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Knife Fight at the Malt Shop # Table of Contents Vanitas .................................................................................................. Marlon Brando .................................................................................... Health Code Violation ....................................................................... Early Pornos ........................................................................................ Motown Hit Songs ............................................................................. FindLove.com Advertisement .......................................................... Dumbarton Oaks ............................................................................... Wilt Chamberlain ............................................................................... Rat Pack ............................................................................................... Boone Meyer ....................................................................................... Yogi Berra ............................................................................................ Walt Disney ......................................................................................... The Most Dangerous Prom ............................................................. The Lynyrd Skynyrd Debates .......................................................... My Boyfriend’s Back .......................................................................... Why Cars Were Built So Huge in the 1950s .................................. Our Christmas Miracle ...................................................................... Dear Mrs. York’s Class ...................................................................... Danny Zucko and the T-Birds ......................................................... New Jacket .......................................................................................... Too Cool Club ................................................................................... President Zombie .............................................................................. Apathetic Jim ...................................................................................... Woodstock ........................................................................................... Bureaucrats .......................................................................................... Gangs ................................................................................................... Fame in the 1950s ............................................................................. Modern Education ............................................................................ Television for Old People ................................................................ Madison Avenue ................................................................................ Piano Epic ........................................................................................... Design and Technology .................................................................... Adverstising Pitch .............................................................................. Beatles Album Covers ....................................................................... The Good Old Days ......................................................................... Old People .......................................................................................... Way Back When ................................................................................ Curbside, 1955 ................................................................................... James Bond, Author ......................................................................... Ibis Inklings ....................................................................................... Credits ................................................................................................

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Vanitas The year is 1951-1967. The world looks a lot like it did in Back to the Future and the parts of Back to the Future II that took place in 1955. The sun was more yellow, the air was easier to see through, and all gas station attendants had to wear uniforms that made them look a little bit like indentured servants. It was a simpler time, as the field of mathematics was still largely a mystery and Dan Brown had not yet written that book that proved Jesus never existed. And it was also a more innocent time. Remember, this was before Watergate, the terrible heat wave that happened the day after the Challenger exploded, the Great Depression of the late 1980s, and that time when OJ Simpson set a new rushing record of 2000 yards and then decapitated a person and a waiter. This was a time when segregation meant separating people of different colors, instead of the term used to describe how that one part of the earth just broke off and floated away after Y2K. This was a time when our grandparents were rocking around the clock, their future dementia foreshadowed by a single corrupted brain cell. But today, everything is all “computer online” this and “cyber computer” that. Cell phones are slowly making all men impotent, while e-Men – male sex-robots designed by women, for women – are set to climb the bestseller lists when they are released next October. Instead, let’s ignore the upcoming China Apocolypse and reflect on a time when people thought the apocolypse was going to happen “tomorrow” for twenty years in a row. The title is “Knife Fight at the Malt Shop #” because a) knife fights remind me of the time I got stabbed in a 1950s-style diner and b) I don’t know what a ‘malt’ is and I thought this title would inspire me to check the Internet and find out.

kmm

This issue of The National Lampoon’s Van Wilder 3: Harvard Lampoon, May 2010 is dedicated to the golden oldies, Rock n’ Roll, American milkshake culture, and Roger McTravis - who won the 1996 Presidential election but whose parents were killed by a time traveller in 1952 and now we can’t remember him.

Knife Fight at the Malt Shop #

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May 2010

board of editors

Vol. CXCIX, No. 4

Courtney G. Bowman ’11, President Benjamin U. Steiner ’10-’11, Ibis William C. Schaub ’11, Narthex S. H. Lemberg ’10 N. H. Stein ’10 L. M. Fang ’10 R. R. Rojer ’09-’10 C. F. Frazier ’11 D. N. Ashwood ’10 K. R. Yee ’10 J. B. Owen ’10 I. M. T. Bethel ’11 A. S. Goldfeder ’10 K. A. Escobedo ’12 N. C. Jacoby ’10 M. P. Eskenazi ’06-’11 K. Sweeney ’10 S. A. Levin-Gesundheit ’11 K. P. Bartley ‘10-’11 O. T. L. Bates ’13 A. M. Geary ’10 D. K. Sonoiki ’13 Lillian Yu ’11, Nave Jessica L. Fleischer ’10, Sackbut Caitlin A. Meares ’10, Sackbut B. C. Ercal ‘10 Zachariah P. Hughes ’12, Hautbois Kathryn C. Ryan ’13, Hautbois Allison L. Averill ’12, Sanctum Charles A. Sull ’12, Sanctum Kyle M. Mack ’10, Librarian Jonathan P. Finn-Gamino ’12, Blot Matthew K. Grzecki ’10, Vanitas

business board

Yi Cai ’11, Treasurer Pedro M. de A. V. F. de Moura ’09-’11, Business Manager Tony W. Wang ’11, Advertising Manager Daniel L. Liss ’11, Circulation Manager A. M. Rohr ’11 A. H. Podolsky ’10 L. B. Hawkins ’11 S. E. Wick ’10 E. M. Sobel ’12 Elmer W. Green, 1897-1977, Grand Curator ISSUE EDITOR Kyle M. Mack ‘10 ART EDITOR Jonathan P. Finn-Gamino ’12 The Harvard Lampoon is published five times during the academic year by The Harvard Lampoon, Inc. Principal office 44 Bow Street, Cambridge, MA 02138. Third-class postage paid at Cambridge, MA. U.S. subscription: $20 for five issues, $35 for ten, $50 for fifteen. Overseas subscriptions: call for rates. Postmaster: send address changes to Harvard Lampoon, 44 Bow Street, Cambridge, MA 02138. © 2009 Harvard Lampoon, Inc. All rights reserved. Reproduction in any form without written permission is prohibited. Phone: (617) 495-7801. Fax: (617) 495-1668. URL: http://www.harvardlampoon. com. The Harvard Lampoon does not print unsolicited manuscripts, unless you are Woody Allen. The Lampoon is a registered trademark of The Harvard Lampoon, Inc.


Marlon Brando

by WCS

I met Brando in his suite at the Beverly Hills Hotel, where he has lived since his house was damaged in a widely discussed fire. “I was making popcorn but then I fell asleep,” explains Brando. Like much about the reclusive star, the popcorn fire is shrouded in mystery. All Brando will say is that he doesn’t make popcorn at night anymore. That job falls to one of the twenty plus members of his entourage, one of whom is named James. His on-set demands have attained Hollywood infamy; he only responds to his character’s name, or, if being addressed by a social inferior, sir; his assistant gets her own golf-cart, and it must always be referred to as “the scooter.” Brando’s co-stars say that, with the exception of this one thing having to do with pudding, his quirks are outweighed by his talent. Indeed, Brando is an artist like no other, raging against the conventional limits acting like a beautifully drunken Prometheus. Yet Brando says he doesn’t even consider himself to be an actor. “I am a person,” he says. “If I don’t breathe then I will die.”

out menus. He is the most respected man in cinema and claims he cannot remember the last time he drank water. His vulnerability comes to the surface when he shows me his beloved stick collection. “I like the sharp ones the best,” he confesses. “But also the really big ones.”

begins to talk about his family history in his trademark mumble. He says that he thinks his mother is dead and that his father, his mumble especially unintelligible here, invented the ballpoint pen.

I ask Brando if I’ve heard him correctly. He says he doesn’t know. I ask when he was born. He doesn’t On screen, Brando is pure ener- remember. I ask if he can rememgy, except for the part of him that’s ber anything about his childhood. This philosopher-genius has a pure sex. But in private, Brando- He goes silent. After several minreading list as broad as his acting the-beast is surprisingly docile, utes, it becomes clear that Marlon range. On Brando’s nightstand I twice pausing our interview to Brando has defecated on the hotel glimpse Nietzsche, Hemingway, nap on the floor. When he awakes, room floor. The world is his stage. and a prodigious number of take- Brando asks who I am, and then Knife Fight at the Malt Shop #

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May 16, 1953 Harrison’s Soda Fountain

Health Code Violation Repor t

Inspection of the premises and its malt shakers revealed Level 4 dandruff contamination, far surpassing the legal limit of no dandruff. Further investigation uncovered a pinky in a root beer float that Mr. Harrison served to the championship little league team. All present suspect that the source of the dandruff is Mr. Harrison himself, who has never had more or less than ten fingers. “I was sure I saw flakes fall into my milkshake, but it was vanilla,” recounts one inspector, who believes that “some of the dandruff is arm dandruff.” We made Mr. Harrison swallow a radioactive pill. Ten days later traces of uranium were discovered in the digestive tracts of several Harrison’s customers aged 7-12. A few days after that, traces of a woman’s fingers were discovered in the digestive tracts of several Harrison’s customers aged 13 and up. The soda fountain is Mr. Harrison’s livelihood. He has no wife or children, no bed but the mattress behind his counter, no clothes but the piles of dirty laundry in the corners. The board of inspectors recommends immediate closure of the premises.

ala

Early Pornos - A utilities repairman gets a call to a house, and a sexy housewife opens the door. After a few months of dating they get married and tape their wedding night! - A nerdy high schooler goes over to his best friend’s house, who has a sexy older sister. On his way over there he sees a couple having sex! - Two drunk coeds have a night of clumsy passion, conceiving a daughter who grows up to be an extremely naughty thirty-fouryear-old lawyer! - The boys of Montaigne High School have taken a vow of chastity, but Sally Wonder has other plans for them. (Not a porno)

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The Harvard Lampoon


Motown Hit Songs Was Motown pop music a force for social change, or a feel-good excuse to maintain the racial status quo? Look at these hit song titles and decide for yourself. Just Happy to Be Singin’- Teddy Elgin and the Shakers Meet Me at Our Water Fountain – Brenda and the Lolettes Kissin’ In the Back of the Bus – The Divines Take it to the Streets! (I Feel Like Dancin’) – The Charlenes That Sounds Complicated – Smokey Morris and the Downtown Four I Met My Girl at a Segregated School – Quincy T. and the Cousins Separate but Groovin’ – Darnelle Hayes We’re Not the Same – “Delta” Reggie Brown, ft. Frankie Valli States’ Rights (Sha-na-na-na) – Candy Rodgers and the Marvelles

wcs

FindLove.com Advertisement

-She’s made me a better person. -And he’s made me a better kisser. [both laugh] -I love her sense of humor, her patience, and her kindness. She allows me to be me. -The past 8 months with him have been the time of my life. -And through her, and the anonymity of FindLove.com, I’ve come to terms with my Human Papillomavirus, a sexually transmitted virus that leads to cervical cancer. -Honey? -I carry types 16, 35, 39, and 73, all of which are designated as carcinogenically high-risk. -Rick, what are you talking about? -To this day, I still don’t understand what made me, a guy, fear cervical cancer for so long. -But what about m--I mean look, here, look at this penis. Does this look like an empty hole for the cancer to go in? I don’t think so. I feel so free now. -Rick! -And why should I feel guilty when it’s not visible? -Oh my god. Thanks a lot, you piece of shit. -No, thank you FindLove.com.

amg Knife Fight at the Malt Shop #

Closed captioning for the Knife Fight at the Malt Shop # provided by...

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tin le ul B ni m lu A ol ho Sc y or at m or ef R s ak O Dumbarton Headmaster In the Spotlight: Er nest Skillings, Former

in sports, and their tents and were playing them to ed add s ent stud rd, dfo Me to up The Bulletin drove n them take the kid out and e them better with wood they I’ve see mad with in ck che to etts e we made hus Massac made a flag. give him back becaus n eve boy e On nd. fou lSkil est for mer headmaster Ern them do a lot of pushups. I’ve Res Oak n arto mb Du ings, one of seen them go to prison and then ved for matory School’s most belo when you visit them they suddenly t. firs its of one educators—and reverse the bars and you’re the one of ng ndi fou the lls reca still Ernest inside.” the school. “It was created by the Department of the Interior to imThe feeling of being “on the us. told prison Indians for life,” he inside” is one that Skillings is cergete tim our of “We spent most tainly familiar with—in 1983, he ting them to cut their braids off, was picked to be headmaster of to ms roo ir and then searching the Dumbarton Oaks, a position he the g pin kee en’t wer y make sure the held until 1999. Under Skillings’ ch.” braids in a ceremonial pou guidance, Dumbarton became the first school in the nation to implebeBut after Native Americans ment a program of horse-assisted ited Un into came fully integrated therapy. States society, the school was faced with a problem: “We still had a “The idea was for them to kill e mad ly cial spe gs group of buildin the horse, get their evil out that lled to hold in bad people,” reca way,” Skillings says. “But then we ges sug his Skillings. And so, at saw how much how much happiept acc to an beg ool tion, the sch ness caring for the horses brought you n, troubled youths. “Back the them, so we switched things to ng goi ’re you got into trouble, around. What we didn’t know was the Boy’s Pound. Well, as it hap that they were developing their nd pou a ed pened, my brother own horse skills so they could rise up at.’” e ‘hav and he said against us.” And so, with the introduction of a new student body, a new chapter opened in the history of Dumbarton Oaks on September 2, 1963. The campus was burned down almost instantly. Thus began the storied “tent phase,” which Skillings describes as “a lot of sad kids living in tents, angry.” It took a while for the new campus to be built, but some of the 18

Flag construction is just one of the many things Skillings remembers, however. “You see it all at Dumbarton, the good and bad, the tragedy and triumph,” he says. “I’ve seen them get enraged and violent because of some small thing but then later act relatively nor mal. I’ve seen them kidnap kids from other schools when they The Harvard Lampoon

That revolt may have displaced him, but even at 94 and with the injuries he sustained, Ernest Skillings manages to stay active: two to three times a week, he reports, “a man holds me up in a pool while I move my arms around.”

jbo


Wilt Chamberlain Wilt Chamberlain claimed to have slept with over 20,000 women. He first made this claim after his famous 100 point game on March 2nd, 1962. -Wow! Wilt, what a great game! 100 points? -I was just really feeling it and have had sex with 20,000 women. -No one has ever scored 100 points in a game before. -Yes, but that is far fewer than the number of women I have slept with. -How did you score all those points out there? That defense is no joke. -You’d literally have to start having sex now, and then have sex with a different girl every hour for the next 834 days to have sex with 20,000 women, something that I have done. -You all have the Celtics tomorrow. How do you feel about that? -834 days straight. -How do you feel about the season Bill Russell is having?

dks

R a n k i n g t h e R a t Pa c k When Mayor Henderson asked me who my favorite member of the Rat Pack was, I really couldn’t say. I loved all those guys equally. They were each so great, and never were they better than when they were together. Then he asked me who my least favorite member of the Rat Pack was and I was like Peter Lawford, no hesitation.

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Boone Meyer -Ken, what would you tell our viewers at home about Chicago Bears quarterback, Boone Meyer? -Well, he’s finishing what is likely his last season as quarterback of the Bears. He leads the league in interceptions with…no, this can’t be right...50 interceptions? -50 indeed, Ken. A new record. But with his natural ability, I don’t think he’ll have much trouble finding a new team. -He’s played so poorly that several teams have begun calling errors ‘Boones’. Including the Bears. -That’s unmerited, if you ask me. Just look at Boone’s hands. They’re gigantic. He is known across the league for his gigantic hands. -I can’t say I know what you’re talking about. What I do know is that Boone is not just embarrassing himself out there, but the entire city of Chicago as well. Following one terrible game last season, Boone’s high school unretired his number. -Ken, look out onto that field. Even Boone’s own teammates appear to be in awe of their quarterback. He’s the complete package. And it’s all built around those hands. -Are you listening to yourself right now? Boone is easily the league’s worst player. His big hands have nothing to do with his play. -They’re not just big, Ken. They’re thick, and sturdy too. Anybody can have big hands. -It’s time for a commercial. -This team doesn’t deserve Boone. He looks like he should be hauling timber. My God, look at those hands. -Boone’s just thrown his sixth interception of the day.

jda

Yogi Berra Throughout his career, Hall of Famer Yogi Berra coined a number of famous sayings. Here are some of his least famous: “They don’t call it baseball because it’s easy. They call it baseball because you play it with a ball and you can’t use your feet.” “It’s like déjà vu all over the place.” “For every pitcher with a mean slider or a vicious curve, there are three others who have never played baseball before.” “Nobody goes there anymore. The new owners are Korean.” “If you come to a fork in the road, kill yourself.”

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The Harvard Lampoon


Walt Disney When most people think of cartoons, they think of Walt Disney. What they don’t realize is that Walt Disney was not a cartoon, but simply a man who drew himself some friends. “My drawings are my companions,” Disney once said, “but that doesn’t mean the relationship can’t become something more.” Disney was famously arrested for groping a legal pad.

lowing with a series of shorts about alter ego, one he often used for “Mortimer the Mouse,” a trickster the purposes of tax evasion. who relied on his wits to get out of trouble, usually by hiding behind a After proving in Snow White plant. Many criticized Disney for be- that he could draw a human, Disney took the next logical step: designing a theme park in his image. He drew the designs himself, though most were thrown away when it became evident he had no knowledge of architecture or gravity. Disney’s favorite design, the Moustache-Coaster, Though overshadowed by was considered by engineers to constant controversy, Disney be borderline retarded. was first and foremost an artist. As a child, he would lock himself Disney soon returned to his in his room for weeks at a time, animation roots, desperate to only to emerge with a calcium prove that all animals speak Engdeficiency and a flipbook of a lish. In 1967, he produced The mouse tea party. In college, DisJungle Book, which, despite its ney began to broaden his style by title, was not a book at all, but drawing ducks and dogs, often rather a pamphlet on welfare reas guests at a mouse kegger. His form. Fearful that he was ahead first major breakthrough came in of his time, Disney opted to 1928, when he discovered that undergo cryogenic suspension, any character could be made leaving behind his wife, his two female by putting a bow on its ing out of touch, citing the fact that daughters, and explicit instruchead. nobody had the name Mortimer any- tions to wake him if we ever elect more. “Mickey Mouse,” as the char- a mouse president. Disney eventually gained a fol- acter was now called, became Disney’s

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The Most Dangerous Prom in the History of Oakwood High School At the start of Oakwood High’s prom, the principal made an announcement. “Now, I don’t want anyone spiking the punch,” he joked. It was a funny joke because Oakwood High School exists in an alternate reality where alcohol is extinct. Unfortunately, what no one knew was that the punch had already been accidentally laced with a chemical that kills people’s brains. It all started when Matt Gilmore - an all-round good guy - had been put in charge of making the punch. “I can’t make the punch green!” Matt had told his friends earlier in the day. Everyone knew that a green punch would really get the kids pumped up. “Instead, the punch is yellow. On account of the apple juice.” Apple juice, and juice in general, was very popular with the students, so up until this point the punch was on track to be one of the best punches in Oakwood High School history. Luckily – or so he thought – Matt had come up with a solution. “I realized that I had to mix in some blue things with the yellow AJ.” Matt grinned as he explained the

solution to the prom committee; his buds were hanging on his every word. “I mostly used the juice from melted blue popsicles.” But it wasn’t mostly the juice from melted blue popsicles. Instead, Matt had accidentally confused a bowl of gamma-Butyrolactone for a bowl full of melted blue popsicles. He then added some sodium hydroxide. The resulting chemical reaction had produced a white paste on the sides of the bowl that Matt had harvested – thinking it was a pure form of blueness – and mixed in with the apple juice. The white paste was actually pure GHB, a powerful neurotoxin. When Matt brought in the green punch, the kids, as expected, went absolutely nuts. Not only was green their favorite color, but the punch tasted just like apple juice. One of the most dangerous things about GHB is that it has no taste, making it a popular choice for date-rapists. In the end, a lot of people got holes in their brains and the after party at Lance’s beach house had to be postponed until the first week of summer.

kmm

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The Harvard Lampoon


The Lynyrd Skynrd Debates Lynyrd Skynrd wrote the song Sweet Home Alabama in response to Neil Young’s song Alabama, which attacks the state for its infamous civil rights record. But that’s not the only debate Lynyrd Skynrd got involved in.

Alabama Neil Young: Alabama is still haunted by its racist past. Lynyrd Skynrd: Alabama has blue skies and it is my sweet home.

Loitering Policeman: Loitering may be a petty crime, but it should still be enforced because old people are easily frightened. Lynyrd Skynrd: When I was young I once loitered outside of a convenience store, and now I will tell you about that.

Childhood Obesity David Mellows, former Surgeon General: Education should be our main weapon in the war against poor nutrition, as it can save lives at a relatively low cost. Lynyrd Skynyrd: My baby’s so sweet she could be made of sugar!

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MyBoyfriend’sBack In The Angels hit single “My Boyfriend’s Back,” Barbara sings about her menacing beau coming back to defend her reputation. Here’s where I imagine said intimidating boyfriend is returning from: -Mowing lawns for extra cash to buy chains -Putting blades on his Corvette wheels that jut out and slash tires when drag racing -A secret meeting of the Black Panther Party for Self Defense -A short tour in Indochina where he sustained injuries to his neurological pain receptors -Smashing beer bottles against the side of the high school -Tying a scarf belonging to a buxom coed around his motorcycle mirror -Hitting a juke box so hard that it plays a record for free -Winning a hand jive contest by dancing sexily with a vaguely Spanish looking girl -Sharpening his butterfly knife on a barbershop pole -Stalking around make-out point and killing hook-handed serial killers -Crashing into a couple on their way to prom and then just walking away

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Why Cars Were Built So Huge in the 1950s - Hey, wanna move to the backseat? - I don’t think there’s enough room. - We’ll make room. - I get fat when I lie down. - You’re a beautiful girl just the way you are— - When I lie down on my back I get really, really fat. otlb

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The Harvard Lampoon


OurChristmasMiracle Shopping for Grandma was always difficult. We had waited until the last minute to get her a gift, and we couldn’t find anything. Just then, however, we had a little Christmas miracle. Grandma was found dead on the morning of Christmas Eve, saving us at least dozens of dollars, and the humiliation of watching her struggle to open (she was very weak and old) a poorly thought out gift. The paramedics said she’d probably been dead for at least a week.

dks

Dear Mrs. York’s Class... I am sorry about the things I said in my notebook. It was wrong what I wrote. It is not true that Sienna’s braid is messy. It is not true that I saw at the pool that Chris had webbed feet and I thought they looked ugly. It is not true that Lizzy’s parents are divorced. It is not true what I said in my notebook about how I am a spy, because I don’t work for anyone. My parents don’t allow me to sneak inside houses or look into windows. I want to say to Sandra that if a notebook says private maybe you shouldn’t open it and read it out loud. What if you start to read it and it says something about you, like that you are more in the boy group than the girl group, and once you read it now the whole class knows, and you are embarrassed. The moms thought the worst part of my notebook was the dream I wrote about where Dave and I kissed and there was a string of spit hanging between our mouths. All the girls in the class said that was really gross. I am sorry to everyone about the gross dream. But I am just wondering, do you think it’s gross Dave? If Dave is absent today someone please ask him. Thank you to Mrs. York for reading this letter to the class. I hope I am still your favorite of the students who aren’t in the Gifted and Talented section. I’ll see you guys when I’m back from suspension.

cff Will the Batman ever escape from the gigantic hourglass he has been trapped in by a bad guy named Dr. Hourglass? Find out after the break!

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Danny Zucko and The T-Birds written by WCS The T-Birds had gathered at the coolest booth in the Frosty Palace for an emergency meeting. “Kenickie, you listening?” Danny Zucko asked his right hand man. Kenickie looked up from his fries. “Sorry Danny,” he said, signaling for one of the girls to get him some ketchup. “I’m feeling all bent outta shape since Rizzo went and got herself pregnant again.” “Yo Kenicke, our car’s all wrecked,” he reminded his friend. “Ain’t gonna be no backseat to get

girls pregnant unless we find a way to fix it.” “Sorry to interrupt,” said Danny’s girlfriend Sandy. “But do any of you boys want something to drink?” Sandy was the prettiest girl at the school. “I’ll pay,” she added. Sandy had never gotten pregnant before. “Hey Sandy, lay off won’t you?” Danny said. Sandy was pretty smart for a girl, and could see it was time for her to go buy some cigarettes.

“What were those Scorpions doing on our turf anyway?” asked Sonny La Tierri. Sonny had once eaten an entire jar of pickles on a dare, and though he still brought it up sometimes, none of the other T-Birds remembered anyone daring Sonny to eat anything. “Are we gonna have to rumble?” he asked. The other T-Birds said nothing. Sonny knew damn well there wasn’t gonna be any rumble. Danny began to talk and the others could swear he wasn’t even


moving his lips. “We was dragracing in the faculty parking lot, when Principle McGee comes screaming for us to stop.” “That hag won’t let us do nothing,” Sonny interrupted. “She got hit real good,” continued Danny. “Wrecked the fender on Greased Lightning.” Kenicke moved to spit, but changed his mind and reached for a fry instead. “Now the old bird’s in the hospital, relaxing like fat city,” said Danny. “Meanwhile, we’re stuck here with no cash to fix the ride.” “It’s like Commie Russia?” said Sonny. He had this way of saying everything as if it were a question. T-Birds always stick together, but sometimes it was almost too much for the gang to stand. “They’re saying that if McGee kicks the bucket, we can say sayonara to the dance contest,” said Kenicke. “What about the end-of-year carnival?” asked Sonny. “I bet those suits are gonna take that from us too.” Danny tried to regain his train of thought. “These adults think they can treat us like dirt just because,” he said, trying not to notice how Sonny was doing that nodding thing again. “Well it just ain’t fair, and it ain’t cool,” said Danny. “Is Principle McGee gonna be alright?” asked Sandy. She had returned from the cigarette machines. “Can it Sandy,” snapped Danny.

Sandy put down the three different packs of cigarettes, not sure which one Danny would be in the mood for today. “I just thought maybe-” “What’d I tell you about thinking?” Danny interrupted. He threw a cigarette pack at one of the older looking waitresses. The T-Birds combed their hair and thought.

comb in shame. “Sorry Danny. You know I can’t think so good with chicks around.” Danny nodded. “Beat it Sandy,” he said, gesturing with his comb hand. “Yeah Sandy, take a hike,” added Sonny. Danny threw his comb on the table. “Yo Sonny, watch it. That’s my girl you’re talking to.” Sonny fell silent. He looked to the others for support, but from the way they were combing their hair, he could tell he was on his own. “Danny, I’m just saying, ain’t no broads ever been allowed at a T-Birds meeting.” “You’re just saying, huh?” growled Danny. “How bout you say it to my face?” His voice was barely a whisper. “Say it to my face. Like a man. Behind the wheel.” The room was silent as the jukebox changed songs. “I’m sorry, Danny” said Sonny. “We don’t gotta race this out or nothing.” “No, Sonny. We do gotta race it out. It’s the T-Bird way.” The room grew even more silent, for Zucko spoke the truth. Sandy rushed to her boyfriend’s side. “Please Danny, don’t do it,” she cried. It was Sonny who broke the Danny pushed her away. silence. “I got it,” he said. “Why “Christ, Sandy, who asked you?” don’t we challenge Principle Mc“It’s too dangerous,” she pleadGee to a drag race?” ed. “And your car’s still broken “No dice, Sonny.” said Danny, from when you ran over Principle annoyed in a cool way. “How we McGee.” gonna beat McGee if our maDanny pushed her again. “You chine’s on blocks?” wanna race too?” Sonny looked down at his


Ever since Billy gothisnewbrown leatherjackethis lifehasbeenturned upside down . . .

Teacher: Anyone know the answer? (Billy raises his hand) Teacher: Yes, the brown jacket with its sleeve in the air. Billy: Uh, seventy-six? Teacher: Not bad, kid. Not bad at all. (Classroom murmur) Teacher: Wait, I’m sorry did you say seventy-six? No, that’s wrong. Say, can I try on your jacket? Spike: Hey twerp, you better have finished my homework. Billy: (Puts on his jacket) Spike, I didn’t have time to— Spike: Whoa, I don’t want no trouble mister! (Turns around and runs off) Friend: Man, it’s almost like your jacket scared him away— Billy: Get away from me, nerd. I’m different now. Billy: What are you doing with my jacket in your mouth? Melinda: Oh, I was just, uh, polishing up the zipper. Billy: Gross… Gang Leader: Meet us tonight at the waterfront, and bring the jacket. Billy: Is there a fight? Gang Leader: There might be. But also swimming. Billy: Mom, have you seen my jacket? Mom: Not now, Billy. Your father’s car is missing. Where is your father?

mpe

More Knife Fight in two minutes!

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The Harvard Lampoon


The Too Cool Club

by BWKS

Hey Gang! Here’s the rundown: my house, 7:30pm, the first meeting of the Too Cool Club. My mom will cook up some mozzarella sticks and we can talk all things cool. Sixth grade power! Long live the TOO KOOL KLUB!!!! - Mikey Hey Guys! I’m really sorry but I’m going to be late because I’m in Paris now, just finishing up some business. I should be stateside tonight around 9:30 though and I can make it to Mikey’s house by 10. Again, I’m terribly sorry about all of this. Hope to see you tonight, - Howie I forgot to mention in school that I had an orthodontist appointment this afternoon. Don’t worry, he’s a cool orthodontist—I’ve got pictures of the fish tank in the waiting room to prove it! Also, with the permission of the receptionist, I stole a Time for Kids from the rack for us to check out! Anyways, if Howie can’t make 7:30, should we do 8? TOO QOOL QLUB FOREVER! - Jimmy Hey, I’m really sorry you guys, but as I mentioned in my last email, I won’t be back in the US until 9:30 and the earliest I could get to Mikey’s would be 10. I know this isn’t ideal and I should have said something sooner—I never expected the French to take their initial offer off the table. I feel terrible about making you guys wait. Excer pts from tonight’s classic fea ture film, - Howie President Zombie

.

Well, mom says the latest people can be over is 9:30, so why not everyone come over at 9? Also, I got some nice plastic cups for the food-colored seltzer, so even if we drop them, they won’t break! Woah! - Mikey 9 it is, then. Howie? - Jimmy Sorry! I don’t know how many other ways I can say this, but you guys know I’d be there if I could. It’s just that it’s literally a physical impossibility at this point. I scheduled the negotiations for this weekend because I was already going to be in France for a prior engagement and I wanted to be efficient. If I could do it all over again, I would. A hundred times out of a hundred, I swear. - Howie Jimmy, get over here before the mozzarella sticks get cold! - Mikey

Patient Zero: “H ey, little monkey .” President Nixon: “I don’t believe in Zombies. I’m goin g for a walk.” John: “We have to do what to the President’s head ?” Grandma: “Lock an d load, buster.” Helpful Ghost of Robert E. Lee: “A nd this time I’m he re to preserve th e Union. Zombie Nixon: “B rains” Zombie Kennedy: “Bleerrgggggg” John: “Decapitat e this!” (throws rock)

kmm

I’m so sorry! - Howie Knife Fight at the Malt Shop #

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Apathetic Jim The classic children’s book Curious George tells the adventures of a monkey who likes to do people stuff. Less well known are the equally comic mishaps of Curious George’s younger brother, Apathetic Jim. Apathetic Jim Visits the Zoo: The Man with the Yellow Hat takes Jim to the Town Zoo. His cousin monkeys all have welts from where the Zookeeper beats them at night. Jim gets a tummy ache from eating too many peanuts. Apathetic Jim Gets a Bike: It’s Jim’s thirteenth birthday and the Man with the Yellow Hat buys him a shiny new bike with a big white basket. “We’re all just molecules,” Jim reflects. Apathetic Jim Makes a Friend: It’s a hot summer day so Jim goes to Sandy Beach. He sees a little boy crying as a trapped turtle slowly dies beneath the noonday sun. Apathetic Jim Visits the Nursing Home: Jim’s class takes a trip to Dewey Leaf Senior Center. Jim is asked to perform four assisted suicides and wins the Big Bingo Tournament. Apathetic Jim Flies a Kite: It’s a beautiful day for kite flying. The Man with the Yellow Hat takes Jim to Happy Park. The kites dance playfully overhead, just like dust in the wind. Apathetic Jim at the Fair: The Man with the Yellow Hat takes Jim to ride the Tilt-a-Whirl. Jim has the time of his life but derives no lasting happiness. As he steps off the ride he trips and falls, but luckily he isn’t hurt.

kmn

Woodstock Everyone thinks of Woodstock as this really great festival that defined a generation, but according to people who actually went it was an average concert that only defined a decade or so.

cas

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The Harvard Lampoon


Bureaucrats The closed door upstairs at 2 Space Center Place in Houston, Texas is marked MISSION CONTROL. In the windowless room beyond, a reverential hush prevails. 2 Space Center is the beating heart of that most American Prometheus, the NASA. Behind mission control’s cream-colored door, which is closed, the NASA is referred to simply as “the Organization,” as in “it’s a good Organization to work for,” or “this Organization is a good place to work.” It is an Organization built upon binaries, from the binary code used to operate its computing machines, to the separate bathroom Texas law requires for the NASA’s sole black employee, systems engineer Henry Dyson. There, undisturbed by white urinators, Mr. Dyson can walk around unclothed, free to admire the private blackness of his flesh. There are no stall doors in Mr. Dyson’s bathroom. It is his own space; quiet, roomy and surprisingly cold, like the heavens above that Mr. Dyson has dedicated himself to conquering with the help of his white colleagues. 2 Space Center is a metaphor, but also a place.

wcs

Gangs Today...

Gangs in the 1950s...

Rob convenience stores

Sing outside convenience stores

Won’t take shit from a cop

Work part-time baptizing teenage runaways at the police station

Go to prison

Become priests

“We ride together, we die together”

“I apologize for the noise”

bus Knife Fight at the Malt Shop # will return after these brief messages...

Knife Fight at the Malt Shop #

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ARGENTINA I.L.E.E. SPANISH SCHOOLS UPSCALE, YET COST-EFFECTIVE PROGRAMMES YEAR-ROUND


Fame in the 1950s In the 50s and 60s, it was really easy to become famous. People were impressed by such simple things! One thing that was huge was sitting in the front of things. Rosa Parks sat in the front of a bus and she became a big star. Once, John F. Kennedy sat in the front of a car and he got so famous at once that it all went to his head and it exploded.

dks

ModernEducation Think of how strange modern schooling must be to older teachers. Alright everyone, time for you to take notes. Everyone put your machine on the table. I’m sure you all expect me to use some kind of power-point presentation, relying on pictures or numbers to make my point. Instead I will illustrate my thoughts using this humble chalkboard. Chalk comes from mines, deep in the ground, where you’ll each be working if you don’t master your lessons. Mines are the basis for the modern economy, mind you. I see that many of you are checking your pocket phones as I speak. Please do not do this, as I fear it fills the room with distracting x-rays and gamma beams. This is fine in a chemistry lab or physics gymnasium. However our focus here is poetry. Lastly, many of you in this classroom are women. While surprised, I am also encouraged. It is brave of each of you to take time away from child rearing to learn, never fearing the precarious state of your children left unattended.

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The Harvard Lampoon


TelevisionforOldPeople Although networks whose viewership skews old are often criticized for being out of touch, old people are actually a valuable demographic to advertisers. Here are some shows currently in development that will target senior citizens. -“Survivor: Senior Edition,” a reality series based on “Survivor” that tests old people’s limits by thrusting them into the wilderness of various countries, where they form alliances and grapple with formidable challenges. One by one, they die of natural causes. -“Death Bed,” a reality series in which fifteen terminally ill seniors make their case for entrance to a hospice that only has room for one of them. The season finale reveals a breathtaking twist: there is no hospice. -“The Price Is Right Redux,” sixty minutes of silent blackness specifically intended as a time for seniors to relive their favorite “Price Is Right” memories. -“Jimmy Has Eight Grandmas,” a groundbreaking documentary about the future of gay adoption. -“Wheel of Fortune,” a game show hosted by Pat Sajak.

nhs

MadisonAvenue

- Jack, with regard to those low numbers, Tom Sheldrake over in research has put together this report that says, and I’m quoting here, says that we’re facing an industry wide downturn. - You know what I say about excuses. - Of course, Jack. But what I’m hearing from research is that everyone in the industry’s hurting. - I say they’re like assholes and that everyone’s got one. - Jack, with regard to those excuses and their similarity to assholes, I gotta admit you’re right on the money, but - But what, Anderson? - But, sir, I have no reason to doubt Tom Sheldrake, researchwise. - Sheldrake’s top notch, when it comes to the numbers. - Tip top, sir. And what Sheldrake’s saying is that people just aren’t possum trappin’ like they used to. - Like hell they aren’t. - Sir, we’ve increased trap strength and sharpness over 45 percent, still sales are down. These are Sheldrake’s numbers, and I’ve never had reason to doubt – - To hell with Sheldrake, I want sharper possum traps. - Yes sir, but it’s Tom and my opinion that- The man’s a drunk. - Well, ok. Yes. On the money, again, sir. But that drunk’s got solid research saying that we’re facing increased competition from foreign-made products. - Jap possum traps? - I’m afraid so.

wcs Knife Fight at the Malt Shop #

41


Tragic End to P

iano Epic

Conservatory co mmented, “I m ean just to get far, he must have that had miracle feet .” In the end th feet came up on ose e miracle short. st floor staircas functioning pian Po lic e e in sa to y the incident o keys last mon occurred around th, no one could foreseen what ha have the afternoon, “about th 5:00 in ppened yesterda e sa me time severa y afternoon. Spectators gath showed up with l fa milies ered around th yo ung children.” e staircase-pian Thurston R. Get The incident ha o as z, 33, was steppi s led some to qu ng through Moz Piano Concerto estion the stairart’s case-piano’s purpose. “I no. 26, a perfor t was an idea to mance for which one is quite sure sh op pe incentivize rs to take the stai no how he prepared rs instead of th . But tragedy stru said Fred Polk, e escalator,” ck at the beginn a member of th movement, whe ing of the third rectors. “It’ e m al l bo ard of din Getz tumbled s eco-friendly,” he continued, “b from the top of stairs to his de th an th at ut more the it’s family-friend ath. “We could ly.” have helped him everyone figured H un dreds of Scarsd , but it was part of ale Outlet shop the performance one spectator sa pers will re,” member yesterday not just id, “we just stoo for the low pric d there for a fe minutes and then th e be au es, but for ti fu w l, whirling arrang someone went up ements of an un and kind of prod tional genius ded him.” conven, and then the gr im tones as he tu “The tempo re over the low oc mbled ally picks up in taves. Mall offic ials say there ar the third move- plans to take ment,” Professo e no r Hubert Ogleby down the stairc ase. of the Scarsdal e

Scarsdale, NY — When the Scar sdale Outlet M converted the st all eps of their fir

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The Harvard Lampoon


Design and Technology In his nearly thirty years as the school’s design and technology teacher, Mr. Wendell witnessed sixty horrible, machinerelated injuries. “I’ve seen teenagers get scalped like Indians, and teenagers lose fingers like Indians,” Mr. Wendell would say at the start of every semester. That’s when he would hand out the small elastic bands that keep the student’s hair away from the drilling machine: a machine that also eats hair. “Watch out, Susan,” Mr. Wendell would remark. Mr. Wendell had learned that girls named Susan had a tendency to stand too close to the machine with teeth. One time, Mr. Wendell saw a student accidentally cut out his own tongue. The most popular machine in his design and technology classroom was the sander. “Under no circumstances should anyone ever use the sander,” Mr. Wendel would say, even then knowing that the sander would physically deform one of the ninth graders seated before him. Every design and technology classroom has at least one machine that can saw clean through the human ribcage. This is something that the school board demands of all the teachers, even Mr. Wendell: a broken man. Mr. Wendell died last night, a victim of his own madness and the motorcycle crash he caused. This concludes your morning announcements.

kmm

Advertising Pitch (holds up cartoon picture) “Meet Grizz. Grizz is a hip Grizzly Bear who smokes Grizz Cigarrettes exclusively. He dislikes people who don’t have a good time but he would never maul them. But he does growl at them, and he doesn’t stop growling until they pick up a Grizz Cigarrette. Grizz will kill anything that threatens his young including human children. But he will befriend those children if they smoke Grizz Cigarettes” (pauses nervously) “Between you and me, not everything I’ve said about Grizz is actually true. That bear is nowhere near as tame as I have led you to believe…” (regains confidence) “And now, ladies and gentlemen… the future of Grizz Cigarrettes!” (opens cage)

cas

Coming up: a small drop of wine accidentally drops into Danny Partridge’s ten year-old mouth...after the break!

Knife Fight at the Malt Shop #

43


BeatlesAlbumCovers Yesterday and Today Final Album Cover: The lads standing around a large trunk with Paul inside of it. Planned Album Cover: The lads covered in raw meat and decapitated baby dolls. Abbey Road Final Album Cover: The Beatles crossing Abbey Road. Planned Album Cover: John Lennon getting hit by a car and bleeding. Revolver Final Album Cover: A collage of drawings and photographs of the band. Planned Album Cover: A collage of the band shooting nuns with revolvers. The White Album Final Album Cover: A completely white cover with “The Beatles” written on it. Planned Album Cover: A completely white cover with “Fuck!” written on it. Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band Final Album Cover: The Beatles surrounded by an audience of famous people like Marilyn Monroe. Planned Album Cover: The Beatles surrounded by an audience of normal people, some of whom are eating Marilyn Monroe.

Rubber Soul Final Album Cover: A close-up of the band’s faces. Planned Album Cover: A close-up of what the band would look like without faces. Magical Mystery Tour Final Album Cover: A zany shot of the band dressed up as egg-men and walruses. Planned Album Cover: A completely serious shot of the band dressed up as Klansmen.

cas

In the Good Old Days. . .

Nowadays. . .

I had a bunch of close friends I could share anything with.

I only share my secrets with my enemies.

Lucy said she would never leave me. Ever.

I never even see Lucy, because I finally brought her killer to justice and now her spirit is at rest.

Food was grown organically.

Organs are grown as food.

Sports crowds sang along to the national anthem.

They remain silent when the anthem plays, out of respect.

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The Harvard Lampoon


Old People by AMG In the 21st century, kindness to old people is considered normal. In fact, it’s expected. However this was not always the case. In the 1950s, for instance, hatred for old people was both accepted and encouraged. This is literature excerpted from a 1953 American anti-old people propaganda pamphlet. Whose side are you on? We know whose side the old people are on. They’re on the old people’s side. But what about you, soldier? What are you doing walking old Mrs. Featherstone across the road? Just because you look like one of us doesn’t mean you’re with us. But look at the old people and you know whom they’re fighting for. They are fighting for the old people. Defend our borders! Had enough of old people being in the America you love with all your heart? Well how about more old people in America? That’s right, on top of the American old people problem, old people from places outside of the United States are trying to get in! They will do anything to get here! Scientists currently estimate that a wall four feet high will be too high for 80% of old people to climb over.

They can be tamed. But only in old people parks. Although the old people parks house old people, these are nice places. Clean grounds and sparkling facilities are maintained by ground crews and wardens who are trained in old people theory and containment methods. These parks will be safe and a nice place to bring your kids for a nominal fee.

Knife Fight at the Malt Shop #

47


Way Back When I guess I don’t know when it all changed. There was a time when a man would come home to his beautiful wife and clean-shaven kids, pick up a fresh newspaper, and beat the shit out of his golden retriever. Nowadays, everyone reads the news online and domesticated animals are remembered only as a laughable antiquity. When I was a young man, cars ran on gasoline and they could fit as many as four people. We could travel hundreds of miles in a single day, often to a destination we had picked out beforehand. Back then, we did drugs solely for recreation. I wouldn’t say that things are worse now than they were before, but then again humans used to have jobs. Our employers paid us with paper money, which we then used to buy personal belongings, like food. Food is what we used to eat. Not to sound ungrateful, but I remember the days when houses had doors. When criminal behavior was against the law. When children used to play in the streets and adults were allowed to have children. If I could wish for one thing, it would be to see the sunlight again.

bus

Curbside,1955. - Hey mister that’s my trash. - Oh, don’t mind me. - You’re going through my trash. - I’m sorry, were you going to use it? - It’s trash and I’m throwing it out. - But these bottles can be recycled into new products. - Why? War’s over. - Recycling can reduce energy usage and waste by up to 60%. - Stop calling it that. - What? Recycling? - This is my trash.

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The Harvard Lampoon


JamesBond,Author An excerpt from James Bond’s novel, Danger Me Twice by “Brian Black” Sitting in British Airways First Class, handsomely gulping down dry martinis—one shaken, one stirred, and both ninety-percent gin—I couldn’t help but laugh. My twelfth transatlantic flight in two months. The third with blood gushing out of an infected bullet wound. It all seemed so passé to me—I have killed thousands of people. I dispose of lives the way you dispose of little napkin-coasters on planes such as this one, planes where I have already slain four passengers. Seems like victory doesn’t taste so sweet after all. It tastes like two dry martinis and metal. Next to me lay a beautiful specimen of woman in upright position. She gave me a shotgun smile, not unlike the shotgun I had used to dispatch those four passengers, one of whom was sleeping. That grin, so familiar. Excuse me, have we made love before? “Excuse me, have we met before?” “…Black?” I nodded. “Black. Brian Black.” “Brian Black? That’s strange.”

“Why?” “You’re just the man I wanted to have airplane bathroom sex with.” Intoxicating. I opened up my heart to her after I opened up my penis. “You should know that I’ve hurt many people because of my job in demolition. I’ve destroyed homes, families.” She understood all too well—a rogue spy, she was sent to kill me but then won over by the purely physical act of love. As she started to leave she gave me a wink. Her eye sparkled, the glimmer of a laser bomb activating. I shot her cold, to save the lives of everyone on the plane I hadn’t already killed. All the other passengers were spies too—Second Echelon, I figured. Intriguing. I would have to take away each and every one of their lives. Then my mobile telephone-watch rang. “004—this is G. This is the last straw.” “Can you repeat that, G? The speaker on my radio-chronometer is a little tinny.” That word meant something special between G and me. “Come back, Black. That’s an order.” “I’m afraid I’m a bit indisposed at the moment,” I said slyly as I swerved the plane around the world’s tallest building, the Empire State Building. “Black. Black, answer me.” “Black is not here right now.” It wasn’t my voice. It was dark, Negroid. A voice that was missing an eye and had a cheek scar. It was a voice coming from inside of me. Incognito was here. I was going doppel. “This ends now, Incognito.” The plane barreled toward the sea as I uncapped the cyanide.

otlb

Don’t touch that dial! Stay tuned for the stunning conclusion to the Knife Fight at the Malt Shop #

Knife Fight at the Malt Shop #

49


Ibis

Inklings Gone With The Wind Directors Cut – 40 hours Gone With The Wind 2: I Can Do Bad All By Myself Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants 3: The Fat One Poops in the Pants Chocolat 2: Escape from the Hershey Factory Octopussy – James Bond is given his most dangerous and morally ambiguous mission to date: the strangulation and drowning of at least eight cats. Octopussy Redux – James Bond kills himself.

Kramer vs. Kramer vs. Predator – In a world where hunting is everything, this Seinfeld alum will stop at nothing to save the human race. A bulldozer is knocking down the screens to make way for a Burger King. So I guess what’s playing is the Whopper. Revenge of the Nerds – Hiroshima, Nagasaki, 3-D. The Blind Side. I am at a very modern Drive-In. The first reel of Casablanca and then the fourth reel of The Blind Side. Animal House. Wait, I mean Hotel for Dogs. I’m not sure what it’s called, but it’s incredibly racist and I can’t believe the Wayans brothers are allowed to do this. I’m not sure what it’s called, but it’s about a robot that goes back in time to save a human rebel. Oh yeah, it’s called Bicentennial Man. 52

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Credits Unsigned Art: Cover - ASG Vanitas Woody - KAE Early Pornos - LMF Walt Disney - JPFG Dangerous Prom - IVP Bureaucrats - IVP Madison Avenue - LMF Old People - JPFG Ice Cream Van - ARD

Coming Up Next... The Splatterbrain #

Ibis Inklings by the Lampoon Art Editor - JPFG Issue Editor - KMM Layout - KMM, JPFG JPFG thanks KMM, DNA, KCR, KAE, KRY, IVP, LMF, ASG, SHL, RRR, NCJ, IMTB, JFH, TWW, PVM, SEW, JBO, BUS, WCS, CGB, AHP, AMG, MKF, PAF, and Andrew Klein. KMM thanks JPFG, TWW, ASG, WCS, BUS, [AMG/CAM/SHL/YC/LY/CCdB/AHP], JBO, DNA, KCR, ARD, JSG/RIP, the artists, the writers, the ad people, and especially JFH. WCS thanks KMM and his girlfriend.

Ma Lampy orders a frosty chocolate malt and picks up enough straws for her eight new sweethearts: Patrick Augustus Gordon ’11, Jonathan David Adler ’12, Andrew Ryan Dubbin ’12, Kevin Michael Neylan ’12, Ingrid Verona Pierre ’12, Benjamin Warton Kaan Smith ’12, Jonathan Michael Harel-Cohen ’13, and Lily Adina Sassoon ’13. Knife Fight at the Malt Shop #

53


Mentally deranged outsider?

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Apology and retraction: We would like to sincerely apologize for the incorrect and unfair use of Will Houghteling’s name in our previous Crimson parody issue. His name was used, in jest, to describe entirely fictitious events. We recognize that he has absolutely no connection to the incident or the people mentioned in the article.* *For more information please visit www.harvardlampoon.com/willhoughteling


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The Harvard Lampoon | Knife Fight at the Malt Shop #  

May 2010 Vol. CXCIX, No. 4

The Harvard Lampoon | Knife Fight at the Malt Shop #  

May 2010 Vol. CXCIX, No. 4

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