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VO LUME 77 • EDITION 8 | Monday , Ap r il 1, 2013

Lakeside School’s 100% student written, edited, and reviewed newspaper | Seattle, WA

est. 1934

Chris Hein Admits He Lost Blueprints for New Gymnasium ISAAC KLEISLE-MURPHY Just days after the demolition of the historic Ackerley Athletics Center, Assistant Athletic Director Chris Hein admitted Tuesday that he had misplaced the blueprints for Lakeside’s 22 million dollar athletic facility renovation. “I could have sworn I threw them in my desk drawer before I headed home,” said a distraught Mr. Hein. “I’ve double and triple checked, but they’re not there.” The blueprints, which contain the layout and specifications for the new building, are considered to be vital to the current construction. “The problem is that without the plans, our workers won’t know what to do,” said a spokesperson for Lease Crutcher Lewis, the company contracted to do the remodeling. “We won’t know which bricks go where, how many rooms to build, or even how high the hoops should be. It could make the process a real nightmare.” If the blueprints cannot be found in the next couple of days, it is likely that architects will have

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to design the building all over again. Redesigning would delay the new facility’s opening a minimum of six months, forcing Lakeside basketball’s marquee match-ups, including Prep, Rainier Beach, and O’Dea, to be played with Nerf hoops inside the classroom portables on the quad. But Mr. Hein does believe there is hope for an effective and immediate solution. “If they can’t be found, maybe the workers can just sort of build it as they go,” Mr. Hein suggested. “Just stack the bricks on top of each other and see how it turns out.” Athletics Department Head Abe Wehmiller was less optimistic when we interviewed him. "Mr. Hein couldn't find a cow on a dairy farm if he tried," he grumbled as he played with a scale Lego model of the Athletics Center (Retail Price: $22.00) "especially with those ridiculous sunglasses." At press time, it was reported that Mr. Hein was going to check his car, just to make sure he didn’t “throw them in the back seat or anything like that.”

If they can’t be found, maybe the workers can just sort of build it as they go. Just stack the bricks on top of each other and see how it turns out. - Chris Hein

Tatler Editors Under Fire for Hazing NINA SELIPSKY After the release of each issue of the Tatler this year, you’ve probably been thinking, “Wow! Tatler must be such a warm, inclusive environment! I wish I could be part of a community like that.” Well, I’m sorry to be the one to shatter your journalistic fantasies, but I have a duty to report that the senior members of the Tatler staff have spent the year hazing new freshman members. This childish type of initiation was thought to be nonexistent at Lakeside, but it appears that some still seem to get joy out of this disgusting display of superiority. Editors-in-Chief Alec Glassford ‘13 and Francis Wilson ‘13 spearheaded the hazing, but all members of

the editorial staff have participated, and the victims are finally speaking out. “Alec and Francis showed up at my house one time at 2 a.m. and said I had twenty minutes to write and turn in an article!” said first year writer Isaac Kleisle-Murphy '16. “I was expecting to have to prove myself at some point, but blasting dubstep in my ears while forcing me to write is getting a bit extreme.” “I had a great outfit planned for my first day of high school, but Opinions Editor Paulina Glass ’14 said I had to come dressed all in newspapers or not bother showing up,” said a distressed Walker Caplan ’16. “I know we’re supposed to get comfortable with being uncomfortable, but something has to

be crossing the line.” “Sports Editor Mary Kuper ’14 turned my locker into a Tatler archive, and said I couldn’t have the combination back until I wrote an article for the sports section,” said Nick Rubin ’16. “And I’m a photographer!” It goes without saying that initiation into the paper has been taken too far. Faculty advisor Margaret Hardy was shocked and disappointed upon hearing the news, and announced that no new issues of the Tatler will be released until May. Apparently, the editorial staff will be participating in a private SAC retreat focused on getting along with peers and exercising leadership in a positive way.

The truth comes out—Tatler’s new members are subjected to rather appalling forms of hazing, to ensure that only the strongest remain. Nick Rubin




Administrators Acting Out

FRANCIS WILSON and ISAAC KLEISLE-MURPHY Recent events have led Lakesiders to question whether their administrators are fully there, as in the past few days, some of Lakeside’s leaders have acted in completely unusual and surprising ways. Put Some Ice on That Bern(ie): In an unexpected yet captivating turn of events, Lakeside Head of School Bernie Noe spent 40 minutes of last Wednesday’s assembly discussing the USHRA Monster Jam event that took place at the Tacoma Dome this past weekend. After a quick Stud of the Week announcement from Jack Makin ’14 and yet another SAC retreat application deadline reminder, Mr. Noe took to the stage wearing a deathmetal rock themed bow-tie to share his touching experiences from the past week. “Watching Maximum Destruction rev its engine and take that leap of faith over stacks of cars,” began Mr. Noe, “was an inspirational sight. Our students must learn to make leaps of faith like that in today’s ever-changing global marketplace.” After discussing how the tightly knit and diverse community of drivers and pit crew members propelled each team to greatness, the lecture shifted to the unconventional maneuvers executed by Grave Digger. “Here in the Lakeside community,” said Mr. Noe, “we strive to develop creative minds and ethical spirits. To find success in this world, all of you will have to think outside of the box. You will have to rethink wheelies, donuts, and jumps. You might have to do them backwards at high speeds. That sort of creativity is necessary to contribute as a global citizen.” At the end of the speech, the student body broke into a roaring ovation. It has been reported that local NASCAR product Kasey Kahne will spend next week’s assembly debating Mr. Noe on the pros and cons of the new NASCAR sixth generation car. Article 2: Will The Real Brian Smith Please Stand Up? At 7 a.m. on March 18, what began as a normal day took a horrifying twist when students and teachers all over campus received an email from Assistant Upper School Director Brian Smith. They opened it with that familiar sense of anticipation and trepidation, expecting yet another mostly incomprehensible yet mildly amusing tribute to long obsolete pop culture trends and slang terms. Instead, they discovered that something was horribly off. The email was completely standard and professional, and made perfect sense. This completely abnormal email is shown below. From: To: Faculty US; Students US Hello Students and Faculty, Knowledge Bowl will be holding a fundraiser from Wednesday to Friday in the Refectory. Have a nice day. Sincerely, Assistant Upper School Director Brian Smith This “normal” email is so out of the ordinary that Lakeside announced an investigation yesterday to see if the Mr. Smith who sent this email is instead a lifeless android planted by a rival school, or a changeling left by fairies who have kidnapped him. As this investigation proceeds, the question remains, where is the real Brian Smith?


Tatler Staff 2012–2013 Editors-in-Chief Alec Glassford Francis Wilson Design Chief Emily Ruppel

Editorial Staff Features/ Copy Editor News Opinions Life & Culture Sports

Max Chen Jani Adcock Paulina Glass Shelly Bensal Mary Kuper

Arts Polls Editor Photo Editor Web Editor Publisher Web Master

Tho Tran Julia Laurence Gilda Rastegar Gautam Hathi Peter Ballmer Fletcher Woodruff

Advisor Margaret Hardy

Designers and Photographers Ross Bretherton, Lucy Johnson, Gavin Blake, Miles Blessing, Ishani Ummat, Nick Rubin

Writers Kate Kim, Pierre Suignard, Chris Gellein, Jennie Glerum, Andreas Molbak, Madee Ehrenberg, Josh FujitaYuhas, Clare Larson, Rana Bansal, Juliana DeVaan, Nicolo Gelb, Kailee Madden, Sofia Martins, Elda Mengisto, CJ Paige, Grace Pollard, Kevin Yang, Walker Caplan, Isaac Kleisle-Murphy, Marla Odell, Nina Selipsky, Amy Wang, Eleanor Runde Tatler is a student-run publication and therefore is not reviewed by the school administration prior to distribution. As student journalists, we recognize and hope to fulfill our responsibility to follow journalistic standards. The opinions in Tatler do not necessarily reflect those of all students and faculty of Lakeside Upper School. We encourage readers to submit their opinions by means of a letter to the editors. We will not print any anonymous letters, and we will withhold names only upon request. Submit or letters to the boxes of the editors or email us: or alec.

If You Cheat, You Will Be Caught: Judicial Committee Chair Guilty of Plagiarism

WALKER CAPLAN To the students of Lakeside, Gautam Hathi ’13 may seem like the pinnacle of integrity. As the Judicial Committee chair he’s been praised for his eloquence on moral issues; the speech on the perils of academic dishonesty he gave at an October assembly sparked a school-wide discussion. Therefore it came as a blow to the entire Lakeside community when yesterday, in a shocking twist, Gautam’s assembly speech was revealed to be plagiarized. Assistant Upper School Director and Judicial Committee overseer Rachel Maiorano found the plagiarized texts a week ago while leafing through Mr. Hathi’s resources folder and noticed similarities. When confronted about his transgression, Gautam admitted that he had lifted paragraphs, ideas, and images from well-known publications such as The Huffington Post, The New York Times, and Los Angeles Magazine, but he claimed he didn’t know how to paraphrase and didn’t understand that using the work of another without citing his source was plagiarism. Unfortunately in the absence of its chair, the Judicial Committee refused to administer punishment. In place of the committee, Assistant Upper School Director Bryan Smith announced that “using the intellectual property of another


without giving credit to the source constitutes plagiarism.” Gautam will receive three days of suspension, be removed from his post as Judicial Committee chair, and receive ongoing education on plagiarism and self-deception. The statement Gautam gave to the Tatler cannot be pub-

lished in this issue; it’s currently being reviewed by a team of writers to make sure the content is wholly original. The administration is conducting a thorough investigation not only of Gautam’s schoolwork and other Judicial Committee statements, but also of his comrades’ work. Other Judicial Committee members deny prior knowledge of Gautam’s misdeed. Anna Hoge ’14 stated, “This is a shock to all of us on the

Judicial Committee. We’re disappointed in Gautam and we wish him the best in his plagiarism education course.” “[Gautam] said he didn’t understand plagiarism and we have to take him at his word. To be fair, that whole paraphrasing thing is a little unclear,” said Olivia Martins ‘16. Latin teacher Logan Searl and History teacher Jim Gaul, both voting members of the committee, declined to comment. This tragedy has rocked Lakeside to its core. “This is really upsetting to everyone,” said Katie Bernardez ‘16. “When I looked at Gautam Hathi before, I saw a devilishly handsome senior with a strong sense of ethics. Now I just see a failure.” Chinmay Nirkhe ’13 also feels let down by Mr. Hathi. “Frankly, I’m upset. The legitimacy and accountability of the disciplinary process really aren’t being highlighted right now.” In the wake of this shocking news, the administration encourages the Lakeside community to reflect on the reasons for this incident. Did Gautam’s need to plagiarize stem from the desire to remain the voice of justice? Was it a late-night compromise? Whatever his motivation, there is one lesson we can derive from this sad episode: If you cheat, you will be caught.



Kim Jong-un to Speak at Lakeside Assembly

A Follow-up Finals Bulletin PAULINA GLASS Due to unexpected server maintenance, the Lakeside administration was unable to deliver the following message over email and has requested it be printed in The Tatler. Dear Upper School Students, As you may know, if you read our last memo, due to the construction of our (AWESOME) new Athletics Center (GO LIONS!), finals will be organized a little bit differently this year. Now, every single class will culminate in some sort of final. Due to the confusion about what these periods would look like for classes not in the core curriculum, we have decided to release the details early. For Physical Education, the final will entail 90 minutes of construction work on the new (FANTASTIC) Athletics Center (GO LIONS!). No, students will not be paid or receive a grade, but they can write a reflection to redeem 1/11th of this time as Lakeside-based service using an extended service form. The idea is that students will spend over 90 minutes reflecting on 90 minutes of service, and receive less than 10 minutes of service towards their graduation requirement. If this doesn't sound fair to you, you are clearly not yet comfortable with being uncomfortable. For visual arts classes, each student will receive a guitar lesson from Jacob Foran, Upper School Ceramics teacher. Then they will write a 12 page thesis-driven essay on the history of clay, to be graded by the History Department. Chorale students will spend the 90 minutes teaching students deemed by the school as “dance-challenged” the snap-step known as the “Byrdwell Shuffle”. This will unite the community in a way that is second only to the unity brought on by the (SUPER SWAGGIN’) Athletics Center construction (GO LIONS!). Drama students will take a three-part final. Drama teacher Alban Dennis will grade students first on their Sun Salutation skills, then on their "dare to suck" mentality, and finally on their ability to see a beach in their mind whilst laying on the chapel floor. Finally, music classes will listen to Joe Lorang '14 "play that fiddle like a baller dribbles." Thank you for your understanding during this (AMAZING) time. Please contact Than Healy, assistant head of school and Upper School director, with any questions!

PETER BALLMER Last Thursday, Assembly Committee member Charlie Devine ‘13 announced that Kim Jong-un, Supreme Leader of North Korea, would be speaking to Lakeside students in April. “Yeah I had to pick someone to come speak, and then I was like ‘Kim Jong-un seems

“ ” I was like ‘Kim Jong-un seems like a total bro,’ so I hit him up and it turned out he had some free time that day.

- Charlie Devine ‘13

like a total bro,’ so I hit him up and it turned out he had some free time that day,” Charlie drawled when asked about his decision to invite the dictator. Summer School Director Chris Hartley said, “Yeah, I can see Kimmy J making for a fun assembly.” It has been ru-

mored that Jong-un plans to discuss the latest antics of his dog Pluto(nium), his intentions to nuke Seoul, and the blueprints of the personal waterpark which he’ll begin constructing in August. Kim Jong-un has spent the past three months on tour, beginning at Pyongyang University of Science and Technology, where he presented an exquisite photo slideshow of his expansive sunglasses collection, before giving the students free commemorative “I Met With the Glorious Leader and All I Got Was This Lousy T-Shirt” apparel. Reports that some starving students were injured in a stampede for the lavish post-speech buffet have not yet been confirmed. Upper School Assistant Director Bryan Smith commented, “I’ve been meaning to order one of those shirts for a while. I really hope he has some left over; everyone at 24 Hour Fitness will be so jealous.” Seemingly the only person at Lakeside who was not absolutely thrilled at the prospect of his excellency taking the stage at St. Nicks was Thomas Thongmee '14, who remarked that Jong-un is a “government hating liberal, who just kind of seems like a jerk.”

Senior Reading Room Becomes Place for Reading

PAULINA GLASS Many seniors were infuriated at the loss of their beloved reading room to the librarians last fall. However, Erik Christensen, English department head and generous soul, recently agreed to remedy the problem. He offered a room in Moore to the seniors to replace the old one, but with one strange caveat; the seniors must actually read while in the room. Two English teachers will constantly staff the reading room. One will act as a bouncer, admitting only students carrying books of high literary quality. The other teacher will facilitate educated discussions, and place a restriction of his or her choice on what a student must do to leave the reading room. Greg Puppione, Eng-


lish teacher, volunteered to serve as the first facilitator. "We really see this as a great way to have an English class experience outside of English class, specially catered to the seniors." When asked what his requirement will be, he stated that, "the seniors will not be able to leave the room until they've written a six page journal entry on a topic of my choosing." Lindsey Aegerter, another English teacher, will request a creative response, while Tom Doelger will require the correct spelling of Ulaanbataar and the dates of Shakespeare's plays, no matter what book a senior chooses. The entire department is very excited about this new requirement. As English teacher Brian Culhane said jubilantly "Now it's like you

have to take five years of English!" Mr. Christensen says that "Since Moore is an English building, every student will be required to partake in English classrelated activities when inside. At the end of the year, to supplement the experience, each student will write an essay analyzing the books they read in the room, for credit. The topic is, of course, open ended." We are pleased to be able to announce the culminating essay topic to the seniors already, so that they can begin work. The topic is: "What themes and quotes make the books you read the books that they are? Please explain using themes and quotes from the books." Happy reading!




New GSL Program to be Implemented

Israel's Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu draws red line for Iran’s development of a nuclear weapon, inspiring Lakeside administration’s campaign against unexcused absences. Photo courtesy of Yahoo.

Administration Draws Red Line ELDA MENGISTO 1,000 unexcused absence mark. Currently, According to a recent Tatler poll, 99.99% the total unexcused absence toll stands at of students have admitted to never sign- 971. ing in. The majority of these students pro“’Just Desserts was not working, as 75% fessed that they forgot in their eagerness of students relapsed after their initial treatto go to class. After years of dealing with ment,” Mr. Smith explained. “The adminthe situation, the Lakeside administration istration decided we should take more exconvened and decided that enough was treme measures. We were watching Prime enough. Minister Netanyahu’s speech for the UN Upper School AsGeneral Assembly, and sistant Director Bryan liked it when he menSmith commented, tioned that red lines According to infor“Students’ failure to prevent war. It was mation smuggled out sign in poses a severe time to take a stand risk to the security of of the administrative to eliminate undocuour school. With 30% mented students.” offices, one of the of students, including Should the 1,000 unfirst acts of retalia100% of seniors missexcused absence mark ing in action on any be crossed, it will be tion would be to susgiven day, our comviewed as an act of pend everybody over munity could disintewar. According to ingrate at any moment.” formation smuggled spring break, stripAccording to Upper out of the administraping privileges such School Math Teacher tive offices, one of the Siva Sankrithi’s calas being able to relax first acts of retaliation culations, the comwould be to suspend or travel outside of munity coefficient has everybody over spring fallen to an alarming break, stripping priviWashington state. dy/dx[7.54sin(x)*m]%. leges such as being Athletic Director Abe able to relax or travel Wehmiller waved this off as the natural outside of Washington state. Another poseffect of seeing the once glorious athletic sible punishment would be to replace free center smashed, flattened, and carted off. periods with forced labor. However, Mr. Smith remained firm in his A Student Government insider leaked conviction that unexcused absences are that the student body is plotting a rebelthe rotting root of the problem, eating at lion. The student attack team, SAT, plans the roots of our once strong community to hack the sign-in machines and take adtree. ministrative staff hostage at Bliss Hall. In order to solve this frightening di- The insider stated, “Just as Netanyahu’s lemma, Mr. Smith decided to take the red line will not halt Iran’s nuclear proapproach of Israeli Prime Minister Benja- gram, the administration’s red line will not min Netanyahu, and draw a red line at the prevent unexcused absences.”

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MARY KUPER Due to the steady rise in applicants for Lakeside’s GSL program, Aster Chin, Associate Director of Global Programs, has recently announced that a new extension of the program will be implemented. “In fact, I suppose it already has,” Ms. Chin said cheerfully when the Tatler investigated the mysterious disappearances of GSL applicants last summer. The school’s new kidnapping-style Language Abduction Peregrination Summer (LAPS) is, as Ms. Chin describes it, “truly the best way for students to receive the most beneficial foreign immersion experience possible.... Students become completely engulfed by the culture with virtually no preparation. It’s incredible.” The first batch of students to take part in the trial of this program had no idea they were the chosen few. Ms. Chin explained that an email was sent to all the Upper School advisors asking who their most deserving advisees were, and then the GSL admissions committee did the rest. “I was just sitting in my Spanish class,” recalled Seyi Adekoya ’14, one of these chosen applicants, “and then I wasn’t.” He remembers the room going dark, someone pushing him into a large burlap sack, and then a series of plane, truck, train, and donkey rides. “I sang about eight hundred Trey Songz songs before I was let out of the sack, so I must have been in there for a while,” commented Seyi. Seyi’s group was “dropped,” so to speak, in an area of Argentina that cannot be disclosed. The group of students stayed there for most of December and part of January, but their sense of time was essentially destroyed. “We were pretty much trapped,” said one student, who prefers to remain anonymous. “Whoever took me warned me to speak only in Spanish or else they would give me Just Desserts when we got back.” This student suddenly broke into tears and whimpers of fear, and was unable to comment any further on the issue. The parent perspective on the program is an interesting one. According to Ms. Chin, Lakeside gains complete custody of a child once he or she signs the Lakeside Handbook. Parents and guardians re-gain custody once the student graduates; thus, the program is open to all students in the Upper School. Parents who object to the program are not allowed to enroll their students in the school at all, and parents who tell their child or children about the program while they are enrolled as students immediately forfeit their parental rights and status, making their children legal property of Lakeside. The cost for the program is included in tuition, and the school mails families the bill if and when their child returns. Ms. Chin decided to allow the Tatler to break the news about the new Language Immersion Program in order to show just how unique it is to Lakeside. “I wanted to spread the good news from the inside, with a source that’s affiliated with the student body....Students will certainly be kept on their toes with this program!” Ms. Chin said. She claims that the trial run to Argentina went splendidly. Ms. Chin added, “People might ask, ‘How is kidnapping okay?’ To those people, I just ask, ‘What are you willing to sacrifice to become a global citizen?” Some students returned from the trip with a new sense of appreciation for their life in the United States. Other students returned from the program unable to speak English, but still in better spirits than most. A handful of students is still unaccounted for, but Campus Security, in partnership with the Argentinian Secret Police, is investigating the issue. Regardless of the MIA count, this abduction program has become so successful that other groups like SAC have considered using kidnapping to bring reluctant nominees on their trips. As SAC leader Anand Rajesh ‘13 said jubilantly, “That’s the last time anyone ‘politely declines’ to go on my retreat!”



Seabiscuits and

Foal Play FRANCIS WILSON The Lakeside community was rocked this week by the discovery of horse flesh in the supposedly “meatless” entrees that we have been consuming every Monday by our very own intrepid reporters. Their suspicions were first aroused when they noticed crates marked “Kentucky Derby Last Place Finishers” and “Taco Bell Beef” being surreptitiously unloaded behind the refectory early Monday morning. Like a modern-day Trojan horse, equine meat has infiltrated itself into our cafeteria under the innocent guise of tofu and grilled cheese. The results of our investigation have answered many questions about the Meatless Monday program. The actual stuffing of the stuffed peppers? The reason that there’s always “horseradish” in the potatoes? Trust us - you don’t want to know the full details. The perpetrators of this crime against our equine friends were none other than the cafeteria staff themselves. As Sayed confessed, “I

got the idea when I heard a freshman with seventh period lunch complain that he ‘was hungry enough to eat a horse.’ A light bulb just went off for me then.” What was just a fleeting idea soon turned the Lakeside cafeteria into a global horse smuggling syndicate, a cartel with connections to pony ranches and gelatin factories all over the world. When asked why he would do such a thing, Cafeteria Head Ben Resnick responded by saying “Do you know how hard it is to make a vegetarian meal that actually tastes like food? We were saddled with debt from losing business to Dick’s and Chipotle. When it comes to vegetarian food and high school students, you can lead the horse to water, but you can’t make him drink.” I agree. The Lakeside community should get off the high horse of vegetarianism if everyone with a gas guzzler races away to get food off campus every Monday. But enough from me. Further debate on this tired old issue would just be beating the dead horse.

The Mane Attraction JOSH FUJITA-JUHAS After a long and hearty reign as Lakeside’s mascot, it is time that the Lion steps down. While long admired for its splendid mane and fierce spirit, this king of the savannah doesn’t hold a candle to the majesty of the most recently proposed mascot: the late beard of Latin teacher Logan Searl. One glance upon this regal face-mane had been known to cause babies to start growing facial hair and lesser beards to shrivel and fall off. Its presence in a room had been known to short out various electronics, especia l ly Smar tboards, thanks to its powerful electromagnet ic field created by constant oscillation of the hair when its owner was speaking. The beard exudes such masculinity that it's even manlier than the "For Men Only" Dr. Pepper 10. However, disaster struck on March 18th when the student body realized that not only had Mr. Searl removed this small, bushy piece of heaven, but that he had left us with a tantalizing reminder of the greatness that once graced his strong jawline: the ‘stache. This beautiful beard doesn’t deserve to be the

new mascot of Lakeside simply based off of its ferocity and power. This beard, dubbed simply “The Mane”, was empowered by the wisdom of the ancients. Greek philosophers and Roman orators had given The Mane the knowledge of ages coupled with a razor (no pun intended) sharp wit. However, the most important quality of a mascot is its ability to inspire and there is nothing The Mane did better. Staring directly at The Mane for too long had been known to spike the viewer’s adrenaline levels and increase testosterone production temporarily (the medical reasons behind this are currently unk nown). If a student was for t u n at e enough to stand within a twenty foot radius of The Mane for longer than 10 minutes, they began to feel whimsical and euphoric. Eventually this transitioned into loud singing, exuberant dancing, and potentially rowdy strength competitions. The power of the beard was too great to hide. In it, there was a mascot we could rely on. Shaven or not, we can count on the Mane. And that is why we should replace the Leonidas the lion statue with a statue of Mr. Searl’s beard.

“ ” Staring directly at The Mane for too long had been known to spike the viewer’s adrenaline levels and increase testosterone production temporarily




life & culture

Portables Now a Staple of Lakeside Culture JOSH FUJITA-YUHAS As construction continues on Lakeside’s new Olympic-size training facility, life at Lakeside continues with the portables. A long established and well-loved system, the portables at Lakeside serve many purposes. The “wet portable” doubles as a swimming pool, hot tub, cold tub, and

sports practices in the spacious, fragrant portables. Estimated maximum capacity for the portable changing room is around 500 students, plus or minus a few hundred. The central location of the portables makes them perfect meeting places. Some people have even taken to eating their lunch in them, in the glorious “food portable”. Photo Courtesy of

The integral nature of the portables stems from their convenience. It is much easier for everyone to change and get ready for sports mini-wave pool. The new changing rooms include state of the art heating and lighting systems, though no technology on this Earth has been able to resolve the ventilation issues. In fact, a debate has been going on about whether or not Lakeside should simply replace the gym with 50 new portables. A student who has opted to remain unknown said, “The portables are better than a new gym. I would much rather walk up and down ramps for 30 minutes than do an actual activity or sport.” In other news, ramp walking has become a sport at Lakeside. The integral nature of the portables stems from their convenience. It is much easier for everyone to change and get ready for

However, the portables haven’t experienced smooth sailing all the way. A small scandal was uncovered when it was found that the electricity required for the portables was produced by a chain gang of Lakeside Crew rowers who were forced to erg 24/7 to generate the power for the faculty offices. However, once the identities of these students were uncovered, their status as crew rowers ensured that nobody batted an eyelid. While these new portables have been a wonderful experience, they are nothing compared to the joy that will come when all Lakeside buildings are converted into portables during the 2013-2014 school year.

Portables: soon to be a permanent fixture on campus. Photo Courtesy of Nick Rubin.



Advanced Culinary Arts:


MADEE EHRENBERG I’m not sure if it’s the proximity of springtime, the release of One Direction’s latest music video, or the appointment of Pope Francis I, but something had me feeling adventurous this month. I felt a strong desire to challenge myself in my food adventures. I spent a great deal of time poring over my collection of cookbooks and tearing apart the best cooking websites the internet has to offer, all in search of a complex, unique, and seasonal dish. After several sleepless nights, I finally chose my new project, and I’m ready to share it with you: This is my comprehensive guide on how to make cereal. T h e first step is gathering equipment. It is important to have all ingredients and t o o l s out before starting this recipe. I started with a striped, BPA-free plastic bowl about five inches in diameter and two and a half inches deep, as well as a slightly curved metal spoon. Next came arguably the second most crucial ingredient, the cereal. After many trials, I discovered that Peanut Butter Puffins work best, but careful usage of Cheerios can turn out fine as well. Finally, the milk: I chose fat free so as not to detract from the flavor of the cereal, but some argue that 2% or whole will actually round out the flavors of the dish. Be careful when combining your ingredients: They tend to pour out very quickly, and a proper cereal to milk ratio is key. It took me several attempts, but I found that the cereal pour is best executed with a swift snap of the wrist, and the milk should be held at 40 degrees from the counter. Good luck with this dish, and don’t be discouraged if your first few attempts do not end successfully.

Peanut Butter Puffins work best, but careful usage of Cheerios can turn out fine as well.


TATLER | Life & Culture

Admissions’ Mission for More Morality AMY WANG In response to the extreme disregard, disrespect, and ignorance of the Community Expectations that has been recently occurring here at Lakeside, the Admissions Office has taken up strict new measures in order to recruit a more moral student population for the years to come. As Booth Kyle, Director of Admissions, explains: “We are determined to make Lakeside the most ethical school in the Pacific Northwest, perhaps even in the world.” And how do we aim to do this? “Mainly through enhanced interview techniques,” says Margaret Hardy ‘02, who is part of the Lakeside Admissions team. “We assess their moral compasses in the prompts we give them in their application essays and in the interview questions we ask.” An exclusive examination of the applications process, recently conducted by the Tatler, has revealed several examples of such prompts, all of which seem to include moral conundrums involving everything from plagia-

rism to Ponzi schemes. Another moral test that potential Lakesiders must all undergo occurs during applicant interviews. The candidates are placed in difficult moral dilemmas (“You are a train driver about to crash into five innocent people. You can turn a lever onto a different track, in which there is only one person…”), and must work together to figure out the most appropriate thing to do. The ones who choose the best answer—or, for clarification to confused students, the “least evil”— are rewarded with marshmallows, which they are told not to eat. Those who keep their word and don’t consume the candy are given more (which they still cannot eat), while the ones who commit the immoral deed are subjected to a five-hour lecture on ethical decision-making and low voltage electric shocks. “We want them [prospective students] to associate bad choices with punishment.” says Ms. Hardy. “It’s a lesson that needs to be reinforced if they truly want to attend Lakeside. Ambiguity just won’t do.”

Though some have expressed doubt at this new method of recruitment, the Admissions Office remains steadfast in their quest for morality. “Your decisions make ours,” has become their slogan. Meanwhile, for those of us already enrolled here, enjoy your moral relativism while it lasts. Rumor has it that ethical thinking will attack the curriculum next. side buildings are converted into portables during the 2013-2014 school year. e-gain custody once the student graduates; thus, the program is open to all students in the Upper School. Parents who object to the program are not allowed to enroll their students in the school at all, and parents who tell their child or children about the program while they are enrolled as students immediately forfeit their parental rights and status, making their children legal property of Lakeside. The cost for the program is included in tuition, and the school mails families the bill if and when their child returns.

Lakeside’s new admissions strategies are expected to increase community awareness by over 9000%. Photos courtesy of Wikimedia.

New Interdisciplinary Course Offerings KEVIN YANG For several years, Lakeside has been emphasizing the connections between seemingly unrelated departments using popular electives such as Chaos Theory and Literature, Quest, Page to Stage, and Big History to provide multidisciplinary courses. Witnessing the successes of these efforts has inspired the administration to add new, even more ambitious courses for the coming year. The first of these will be a union of modern science with modern history in the ABC’s of Atomic Bomb Creation. Students will learn about the history and consequences of the Manhattan Project while acquiring the chemistry

and physics know-how to create their very own homemade atomic bomb, following the same discoveries and processes as did the scientists at Los Alamos. At the end of the year, the completed bomb will be detonated in Stimson, as the effects of such a bomb could not, of course, make the field any less usable than it already is. Everyone in the class will receive the a grade proportional to the force in megatons released during the explosion. Another innovative new course offering is called Intelligent Athletics. In this

combination of math and PE, students will learn to use game theory to optimize their in-game choices—for instance, knowing whether to pass or shoot in basketball or calculating the trajectory of the ball to determine the optimal throw. They will then take their newfound knowledge to t h e

court, calculators in hand, and apply it to a real game. Although they will probably be too preoccupied to run, dribble, pass, defend, shoot, catch, or do anything else related to the game, students’ improved understanding of game mechanics will theoretically make up for any such shortcomings. In time, these techniques will be taught to sports teams as well. The third new class next year is Culinary Arts, an art and history class with a gastronomic flavor to it. In this class, students will learn about the history and development of art materials. They will then experiment with their own new art materials, namely, food, although this will unfortunately render the art extremely perishable. Pigments will be derived from appropriate fruits. The quality of art will be judged by, among other things, taste.

Photo courtesy of Flickr. TATLER



TATLER | Life & Culture

Stressed About RANA BANSAL I eagerly await opening up Outlook and finding an email from the SGLI stress committee. Each time, I glance over gleefully at the (red) capacity bar on the left-hand-side of the screen, lean back in my chair, and smile to myself. What could be more delightful than being told where I need to go chill? The fact that such a general message, directed towards the entire student body, consistently makes my day--that’s just incredible. The relaxation room itself is downright perfect: it comes to life right before the mid-terms and semester-ends; I know at those times I have a lot of room in my schedule to head to this tranquil zone. Unfortunately, I don’t think I’m


stressed out enough to access the place. One probably has to get a key from someone to get in there. Also, I can’t ever seem to find the room. Whenever I check my inbox to look for the details (every day), the notes I have gotten from the counseling office seem to have (magically) vanished. But I always imagine

sitting in the mysterious location, lazing around on comfy cushions, and taking long naps. I know that doing that would be the number one way to prepare for my tests! But wait...with such high demand, how can the stress room even operate? An anonymous Lakesider said, “I don’t know how they do it. It’s just incredible.” Honestly, I find it hard to understand why we have not established a permanent stress room yet. With all the funding the chess team and Science Olympiad are getting, it’s weird that the school isn’t investing in such a vital resource. Maybe the Think Tank could be used as the yoga master’s office. Not really, though. The Think Tank is too valuable for such menial use. Next time you have to write an paper in limited time, remember that there is a easy solution to your problem. Just make sure to call and make an appointment first. Don’t stress; I can’t find the number either!

Tuition Rates Rise at College of Cardinals KEVIN YANG College has become far too expensive of late, in our state, on the East Coast, and, apparently, in the Holy See as well. Rising costs have forced deep financial hardships upon college attendees across the board, and this past month’s College of Cardinals in the Vatican was no exception. The College of Cardinals, the most selective institution of higher learning in the world, has come upon hard times. After extensive amounts of embezzlement, misuse of money for personal vacations, and costly court settlements for sex-abuse scandals, the Vatican has been hard-pressed to find the resources for this year’s meeting of cardinals. Plane tickets and lodgings, for instance, have taken quite a toll on the Church’s $355


million annual revenue. Even despite all these expenditures, the Church still couldn’t get its act together—shortly after the election of the new Pope Francis, Italian bishops congratulated the wrong cardinal. The new Pope Francis is known for living an austere life in South America, and as a champion of the poor. He has promised to cut Vatican costs by implementing radical changes in the Church in order to help repay student loans taken out by Archbishops to pay for the cost of attending the College of Cardinals. First off, generous merit scholarships will be offered to all clerical applicants to the college, in order to ease the burden of tuition. In addition, to help promote public awareness about the Church in the hope of in-

The new Dean of Students at the College of Cardinals. Photo courtesy of Flickr.

creasing donations, Pope Francis has also announced that the College will “begin an intense program of athletic recruiting.” His Holiness also added “I want the College of Cardinals to be known for something other than just electing the spiritual leader for a billion faithful. Although the average age of our members might be around 80, I want to see us in the Final Four next March, God willing.” Rumors that the Colosseum may be renovated and renamed “Papal Stadium” have not yet


been confirmed. In addition to fundraising efforts, steps are being taken to connect the notoriously aloof College of Cardinals with the average layman. As Cardinal Timothy Dolan, Archbishop of New York said “Most people view us as kind of a party school, but we’re really more of a small liberal arts college. While some colleges may brag about the rowdiness of their Greek life, the austerity of our Roman life is unmatched.”



Lawrence "Showtime" Wilmore, the New Sir Mix-A-Lot (& I Cannot Lie) THO TRAN Seattle has been the birthplace of many a hip hop sensation from Blue Scholars to the nationally renowned Macklemore, and it seems that a new star is on the rise on our very own campus. Lawrence Wilmore ’13, who goes by the stage name Showtime, recounted to me his struggle from humble beginnings as an ordinary high school student to chart-topping, multi-platinum rap megastar, and the first rapper to be honored by the National Art & Literature Conservatorium which has described his lyrics as “powerfully moving, a tribute to Orpheus. … It’s just so good.” “I began with a small snow cone business that I ran during the summer to raise funds for my first album, Weight Lifting Pro Remix, coproduced by [Head Strength and Conditioning Coach] Rick Huegli. I like to describe it as an eclectic musical anthology with tracks from favorite Lakeside P.E. videos such as Ab Ripper X and Rodney Yee’s best meditational pieces remixed to hits from my personal hero, Miley Cyrus. Anyway, I gained a lot of business acumen from the snow cone stint, and pretty soon I was making enough from my investments on the Micro-Econ class projects that I could start my own record label. It’s pretty much been all up since then.” Lawrence cites Sir Mix-A-Lot as his introduction to hip hop at eleven years old when he became enamored with Ross Geller’s (David Schwimmer)

cover of “Baby Got Back” on the sitcom Friends. As luck would have it, Lawrence was able to pursue his fledgling interest in his Lakeside Digital Media class where he was encouraged to “push limits and find a voice through music.” “Lakeside has always been a source of inspiration for me,” says Lawrence. “Every day I come to school, look across Red Square, and think, wow, there’s something here I could write about. It’s honestly what gets me up every morning.” As for his future projects, Lawrence wants to put “Lakeside Digital Media Rap” onto the map with his most recent single, “Mr. President,” a celebration of Student Body President Ben Johnson '13. Lawrence is also collaborating with Macklemore on the much-anticipated album, Rummage Sale, which comes out May 2014. He has chosen to defer from college for a year to continue his music-making in the Digital Media Room, “the only place [he] feel[s] comfortable recording.” Like any other well-adjusted and socially-conscientious celebrity, Lawrence has started his own foundation, “Cursive NOW,” which teaches high school juniors and seniors how to write in cursive for the SAT. To hear the full audio interview with Lawrence and a free demo from his latest album, The Lakeside Refec(-tory) Life, visit http://pogo.lakesideschool. org/tatler.

Mr. Smithers: Philosopher? hilarious, sincere, and of course good looking I was. As Aristotle once said nothing says “Baby, I am FER REAL” like muscle mass, so make sure those bazookas are in plain sight. I got a little change in my pocket going jang-a-lang-a-lang; my pearly whites are ready for some enamel throbbing techno music! Then I woke up… Anyway just because a cat has kittens in the oven, you can't call 'em biscuits. Eat your spinach wise Yoda-like team. Make those bicuspids shine in the black light madness and I had this craz y dream last night. put some pep in your dub-step, It was because freakishly awesome. I humbly accept the challenge. I dreamed of a futuristic world where I That makes as much sense as a trap could door in a canoe. shake and shimmy all night long! But There were butterflies, fireworks, and Whatever. rainbows. Enjoy the sunshine, and hug that Elmo. I was ready to show those Varsity chumps He is adorable. just Yours truly, how Mr. Smithers AMY WANG We’ve all read his emails. We’ve all smiled, laughed, or exchanged bemused looks at phrases like “Operation Pom-Poms” and “cool as Kool Aid," and we’ve all considered the meaning of “Breakin’ II Electric Boogaloo.” It’s undeniable that Bryan Smith, our Upper School Assistant Director, has a talent for strange references, dubious terminology, and overall eccentric writing, but does anyone ever wonder where he gets his crazy ideas? Is he trying to impart upon us the wisdom of a deep, philosophical mind, or is he just a little bit out of it from dealing with one-too-many Just Desserts delinquent? In an attempt to answer this question, the Tatler has composed a poem exclusively of fragments of Mr. Smith’s emails so you can decide for yourselves.

Lawrence/Larry says he goes by the stage name “Showtime” because “it’s always ‘Showtime’ when I’m around.” Photo Courtesy of Katy Cox.

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TATLER | Arts & Entertainment Rachel McAdams (The Notebook, Mean Girls) as FACULTY ADVISER MARGARET HARDY

Mindy Kaling (The Five-Year Engagement, The Mindy Project) as LIFE & CULTURE EDITOR SHELLY BENSAL Aubrey AndersonEmmons (Modern Family) as ARTS & ENTERTAINMENT EDITOR THO TRAN Rashida Jones (I Love You, Man, Parks and Rec) as PHOTOS EDITOR GILDA RASTEGAR

Joseph Gordon-Levitt (The Dark Knight Rises, Looper) as EDITOR-IN-CHIEF ALEC GLASSFORD Ken Watanabe (Letters from Iwo Jima, Inception) as EDITORIN-CHIEF FRANCIS WILSON Zooey Deschanel (500 Days of Summer, New Girl) as DESIGN CHIEF EMILY RUPPEL

Jennifer Lawrence (Silver Linings Playbook, Hunger Games) as POLLS EDITOR JULIA LAURENCE

Ken Jeong (Community, The Hangover) as FEATURES EDITOR MAX CHEN

Ben Kingsley (Schindler's List, Gandhi) as WEB EDITOR GAUTAM HATHI

Saoirse Ronan (Atonement, Hanna) as NEWS EDITOR JANI ADCOCK

Michael Cera (Arrested Development, Juno) as WEBMASTER FLETCHER WOODRUFF

Tina Fey (Date Night, 30 Rock) as OPINIONS EDITOR PAULINA GLASS

Vince Vaughn (Swingers, Jurassic Park) as PUBLISHER PETER BALLMER

Amy Poehler (Blades of Glory, Parks and Recreation) as SPORTS EDITOR MARY KUPER

Tatler Cast Revealed! FRANCIS WILSON Cinema buffs around the world thought that the Disney's acquisition of the rights to the next few movies in the Star Wars franchise would be the biggest film deal of the decade; they were hugely mistaken. Last week, Warner Brothers announced that the company had paid $22 billion to purchase the rights to one of the greatest stories in recent history: the epic saga of The Lakeside Tatler and her indefatigable crew from the years 2012-2013. The contract was signed this March after a close bidding war between film studios worldwide with everyone, from Hollywood to Bollywood, and even an indie studio in the caves of Appalachia, "looking for a piece of the action." Renowned Lakeside Film Studies teacher Brian Culhane explains: "The appeal of [The Lakeside Tatler story] is that it is one of those once-in-a-lifetime moments in history that really capture the human experience to the fullest extent, and will forever change who we are as a society. Neil Armstrong's first steps on the moon, Lincoln's Emancipation


Proclamation, Christopher Columbus's quasi-discovery of the Americas, and that scene where Luke Skywalker realizes that Darth Vader is his father. It has all of the elements to win every major award from here until 2090. Some of us think that it may even go on to become the first documentary to win a Nobel Prize." The fierce competition for the movie rights was unsurprising, as the exploits of this daring band of editors, writers, and their fearless leader Margaret Hardy ’02 have captured the hearts of countless fans local and international. The struggle of the Tatler to uphold truth, justice, and the Lakeside way have turned what was once just a humble school paper into a cultural movement, a revolution to recapture the humanity in journalism. This movie contract is not the only media deal involving these high school heroes; our sources tell us that a graphic novel, a massively multiplayer video game, and a puppet show are all in the works. Today, Warner Bros released the long awaited cast list for the film, which will be in all major theaters


near you next fall under the title Damn Fine Reporting: The Adventures of Ms. Hardy. The film is to be directed by first-time director, Josh Marten '13 whom producers hope will bring in a "fresh lens (literally) to the most talked about story of the year." If for nothing else, go see this movie for the spectacular A-list cast including Vince Vaughn who will be playing Publisher Peter Ballmer. Rumor has it, he and Chevy Chase (Community) both auditioned for the role, going as far as offering monetary bribes to secure the position. Tatler Faculty Advisor, strongest advocate, and greatest muse Margaret Hardy will be played by Rachel McAdams. Some actors who didn't make the cut for the leading roles of the editorial staff will be playing writers, photographers, and designers: Look forward to seeing Johnny Depp, Ryan Gosling, Megan Fox, Beyonce, and Nicolas Cage, among others, in a way you've never seen them before. Find the entire cast list at



Baseball Skyrockets to Top of Lakeside Priority List ELEANOR RUNDE After a mediocre basketball season, Lakeside School has decided to turn around its baseball program in order to gain some respect in the athletic arena. The old gym is being transformed into training facilities for the team, including top-notch meandering-aimlessly-in-the-back-field simulators, state-of-the-art treadmills designed only for swaggering, and an entire room devoted to the spitting of various kinds of sunflower seeds. Since baseball has always been Lakeside's biggest spectator sport, with overflowing stands and huge earnings from every game, the current projection is that the Stimson lot and field will be turned into a baseball diamond. All other parking lots will be converted into batting cages within two years. Only the Visitor's Lot will remain, so students will need to take one-hour shifts in those five parking spaces. Says baseball star Ellis Simani '13, "[These new changes are] only what we deserve. This team is the best Lakeside has ever had. And every good team deserves a gym in its honor."

Photo courtesy of Sean Winters, Flickr.

The Board of Trustees voted unanimously yesterday to allow all baseball players to miss the two weeks of school surrounding Spring Break in order to give them what Upper School Director Than Healy calls "a Spring Training fit for the pros." Teachers have been asked to excuse (and even encourage) all baseball-related absences. The annual baseball tournament in Lake Chelan will now be an all-school event. Attendance is mandatory. Athletic Director Abe Wehmiller

says, "It is a priority that every student get the chance to witness the greatness of this team. I believe that four days of non-stop baseball, inning after captivating inning, is really going to lift everyone's spirits." In response to these changes, some students have asked, "What about academics? Isn't that why we're here?" These students have been expelled without Judicial Committee consultation.

Sonics to Play in New Athletics Center RANA BANSAL No one really cares about the Sonics. I mean, we all eat hamburgers and occasionally shoot a few hoops. Some of us head over to the Tacoma Dome on Saturday nights and enjoy getting pumped up for a few games. But deep down in our hearts, we all know that basketball is a useless sport. When was the last time the school put any money into it, anyway? I can't seem to remember. The Sonics have finally been told by the NBA that due to reduced viewing numbers on ESPN during the month of March ("pure madness"), the association has reluctantly agreed to let the squad move from Sacramento, where they were leading the west-coast division with 10,000 points and zero losses, to Shoreline, which will become the team's new home. With the city's vivid nightlife and commercial businesses developing rapidly, it comes as no surprise that it beat out Seattle, Spokane, and Walla-Walla for the coveted title of "Home to the 'No one Wants You' Team." Sadly, the residents of Shoreline are unhappy with this deal. Many of them

have been spotted wandering through Pike Place Market, holding up signs with messages that the Tatler does not wish to print. The mayor, however, is confident that he will get the team to stay. With Spokane already preparing a bid, he's trying to get the owners of the Pro Club to found a new business group. Yesterday, the Sonics made an announcement stating that Lakeside's Athletics Center would become their new home. With interest in basketball so low on campus, Athletic Director Abe Wehmiller had few words for the Tatler, saying that he hopes "it inspires more people in the community to support our team." He muttered something about Trailblazer fans and then proceeded to check on the progress of the wrecking-balls. I'm not sure how I feel about the Sonics using our Athletics Center. I was really looking forward to using the new classrooms (which replaced that utterly useless squash court), and sitting on bleachers during assembly. Maybe we should have gotten an icehockey team instead.


Above: Courtesy of Lakeside Athletics. Below: Courtesy of Wikipedia. 11


TATLER | Sports

Fieldhouse Frenzy This week the Fieldhouse Frenzy turned to five new faces for input on Lakeside athletics, college, and pro sports alike: girls golf captain and future D3 athlete Libby Ramsey ‘13, Science Olympiad and Knowledge Bowl captain Gautam Hathi ‘13, varsity basketball player Alena Kantor ‘13, star of Lakeside Drama Department’s Anything Goes Julia Schlaepfer ‘13, and Tatler’s very own editor Alec Glassford ‘13. Jennie Glerum: Did you attend the boys basketball state final game? (If so, please elaborate.) LR: Of course! I went to all three games in the dome and the energy was incredible! It was amazing to see how far these boys grew as a team under Tavio. With second place in the state for boys basketball, and first place for boys swimming, this has got to be one of the best sports seasons Lakeside has ever seen! GH: No, unfortunately I didn’t. It turns out that there was a Knowledge Bowl tournament on the same day. Basketball is nice, but some things take priority. That’s why Lakeside is currently in the process of building a $22 million Scholastic Clubs Center. AK: Yes I did. It was the best Lakeside sports event I’ve ever been to. JS: Unfortunately I was not able to. But I recorded it, watched it on TV later, and could not have been more proud of the team! I have never been more excited about a basketball game. I was standing on my couch screaming at the TV. You can’t do that during ballet performances. AG: No, but I heard something newsworthy happened. We should probably include something about that in the Tatler. JG: What are your predictions for the Mariners this year? LR: I predict that I won’t be watching many of their games…I know nothing about baseball except that King Felix is apparently good. GH: The Mariners?...Who are they? They play football, right? AK: All I know is that Ichiro left. But he was probably just getting in the way. I predict that they will win the World Series. JS: Ichiro. Safeco Field. Something


to do with smoke… Smoak? I stole all my brothers’ baseball cards in kindergarten so I’d call myself a devoted fan. My favorite part is going to games and dancing around until you get your moment on the big screen. AG: Has anyone else ever wondered why they’re called The Mariners? Like, I get that Seattle is by the water, but it’s a pretty weird name. Anyways, I watched Moneyball last year, and I don’t know if The Mariners use the same strategy that Brad Pitt uses in the movie with all the trading and money and stuff, but they totally should because he seemed to be doing a good job. So yeah, we should do that and then we’ll win. JG: Who are some Lakeside spring-sport athletes we should look out for? LR: Well I first want to rep the girls golf team because we have districts and state in May! Sadie LoGerfo-Olsen ‘15 (who I hear has been playing a bit of lacrosse), Alana Anderson ‘14, and I will be heading to districts in the hopes of going to State as well! Also, I’m expecting a first or second place finish in tennis Metros for Shea Wojciehowski ‘13, and possibly a trip to State? GH: I think that Indi Rinearson ‘14 and Bella Carriker ‘15’s second place finish in the Water Quality event and Max Murin ‘15’s third place finish in the Rocks and Minerals Event put them in a strong position to take home medals at State in two events where Lakeside Science Olympiad hasn’t done too well in the past. I also think that Tatler’s own Francis Wilson ‘13 will provide unparalleled mythology knowledge at the Knowledge Bowl and NAQT State tournaments. Max Chen ‘13 will also be able to cover the obscure (i.e. Beethoven, Mozart) music questions. AK: Dan Verzuh on the discus, the entire boys lacrosse team, and the filthy chess team. JS: Keep an eye out for Molly “Leguooooo” Guo ‘14. She’s a monster on the tennis courts. Also Claire Revere ‘13 is going to the Olympics for approximately 5 different sports so I guess that’s cool. I’d also like to give a nice big shout out to Wallis Lapsley ‘15. He should be lookin’ good out there on the soccer field this year! AG: In general, I’d look out for any seniors. I mean, they’re probably better because they’ve been playing for longer, right? But more specifically, keep your eye out for rising varsity actors Logan Taylor ‘15 and Nate Rudder ‘15 in The Diviners. Also look forward to great things from the state-bound Sci-

Be prepared to face the new Fieldhouse Frenzy crew for the month of April: Libby Ramsey '13, Gautam Hathi '13, Alena Kantor '13, Julia Schlaepfer '13, and Alec Glassford '13. Gilda Rastegar ’13..

ence Olympiad team which is coming off of a first place finish at the regional competition. It’s truly amazing to see the likes of Max “Rocks and Minerals” Murin ‘15 and Sam “Remote Sensing” Klebanoff ‘13 do their thing. JG: Will you be participating in March Madness (filling out a mens’ college basketball bracket) this year? Who is your pick to win it all? LR: Absolutely! March Madness is awesome because all I have to do is look at some statistics from throughout the season, and I have as good a chance as any to make a quality bracket. My pick to win it all is Louisville because they blew out Syracuse in the Big East championship, even though they only shot 25% in the first half. And yes, you can all laugh at me when you read this and they are already out. GH: Certainly. I’ll just copy someone else’s directly without quotation or citation. I’ll let you know my pick to win when I’ve finished copying theirs. AK: Yes I did! I may not be as good as Julia Schlaepfer, but we’ll see. I have Indiana winning it all. Because I randomly pointed to a number 1 seed. JS: I thought about it…But then I remembered last year when I filled out a bracket based entirely on the prettiness of the teams’ costumes. I completely dominated over all the basketball lovers in my grade so I thought I’d give them a shot at the big leagues this year. AG: I don’t know what this is. Is “March Madness” anything like “Senior Spring”? Because I don’t know what that is either. I really do appreciate the alliteration though. JG: The Seahawks finished a stellar season with rookie quarterback Russ Wilson at the helm, and just added star Percy Harvin. What do you think will be some of the


Hawks’ strengths and weaknesses for the 2014 season? LR: As long as we keep feeding Marshawn Lynch Skittles, we should be good to go for another fantastic season! I was so excited by how far into the playoffs we made it this year, and with a young team, I expect even better things in the 2013-14 season. It was quite exciting to see that, once we opened the playbook for Wilson, our scoring averages started skyrocketing! Obviously everyone hopes that we make it to the Super Bowl, but this year I actually think we will have a shot. Coming from a pessimistic person… that is saying a lot. If Percy Harvin puts all his effort into every game, our offense will be incredible. Might I add that I can’t wait to see what Richard Sherman will bring to the coming season, and Russell Wilson…what a cutie! GH: I actually think that a major socioeconomic collapse will occur in the 2013-14 time frame and bring down the entire American consumerist system, including the NFL. Whether or not a good quarterback and a new star player will help the Seahawks get through that, I really don’t know. AK: Clearly the strengths will come from our solid defense and offense. Russ Wilson will also bring up the overall attractiveness of the team, which is why they will win the Super Bowl. JS: They seem to be making some nice baskets out on the field. AG: What is a sea hawk anyways? I’m pretty sure it’s not a real species of bird, because I’m pretty into birds. And is Russ Wilson related to Owen Wilson? I LOVE him in The Darjeeling Limited. I also saw Bottle Rocket recently, which features both Owen and Luke Wilson. It’s a super funny movie. Wes Anderson is a god.


TATLER | Sports

Get Comfortable With Being Uncomfortable: Strip Chess Goes Varsity WALKER CAPLAN Readers of the Tatler may remember that a plea from “Fans of Ben Drachman ['13]” to bring back strip chess was printed on the back page of our February issue. Though it was meant as a lighthearted joke at the time, today those letter-writers are getting what they asked for: Strip chess, originally an informal game played by the class of 2013, is to become a varsity sport as of September. The team will be coached in chess by math teacher Siva Sankrithi, who announced yesterday that he will not be serving as normal chess coach in the 2013-14 year in order to focus on “helping the strip chess team reach the highest level possible." Along with Mr. Sankrithi, an out-of-school coach will be hired to teach students proper clothes-removing technique. Facilities for strip chess are included in the blueprints for the new Athletics Center. These consist of two rooms filled with chessboards and tables, buckets of varied styles of clothing with which to practice, and modesty goggles. There’s been skepticism among the students about the strip chess room’s location in place of the old squash courts; when pressed, Assistant Athletics Director Chris Hein voiced an apology to squash enthusiasts but said, “[Strip chess] is sure to be a much more popular sport." In fact, strip chess has caused an influx of school spirit inside the Lakeside community. Athletic Director Abe Wehmiller expresses excitement for the coming year, saying, “It’s an outpouring of spirit like I’ve never seen before. Kids are practicing in the library, in empty classrooms— everywhere! Students walk up to me and ask if the strip chess team is really going to be issued chessboard-patterned undergarments or if they can sit in on practices for learning purposes. I have a feeling the tailgate in September is going

Get comfortable with being uncomfortable as Strip Chess makes its debut. Below: Courtesy of Martin Lopatka.


to be the greatest one yet.” The impending graduation of Ben Drachman '13, the figurehead of strip chess (and a member of the Sankrithi advisory), has sparked nostalgia among the faculty. Librarian Heather Hersey reminisces, “I remember when [strip chess] was created on a whim by the senior class in our very own library. The noise was getting too loud by the chessboard, so I walked by and there was Ben Drachman with his shirt off. I didn’t know it at the time, but I witnessed the beginning of an era.” Says Library Department Head Sue Belcher, “I can’t believe we almost squelched [Drachman’s] creativity—and for what? Noise level? Students’ innocence? Public decency? Thank goodness he wasn’t swayed.” Ben Drachman himself is overwhelmed by the attention. In regard to his integral role in the creation of strip chess, he says, “I couldn’t have done it alone. There were many other people who encouraged me to take my shirt off that fateful day in the library. I’m not even the most gifted in the senior class at playing chess or whipping off my clothing: Michael Omori [’13] wins in both of those categories. But I just had a vision, and I am blessed that it became a reality.” Yet the majority of strip chess players are members of the class of 2013 and are leaving come June. Who are their successors? Mr. Sankrithi says, “Though it’s inauspicious to start off the season with the loss of such strong seniors, we’ve got a few great underclassmen. Quentin Chi ’16 is one to watch: he’s got a mean Elephant Gambit coupled with a killer over-thehead shirt twirl. And you never know, next year there could be some new students who have an affinity for the game.” Booth Kyle, director of admissions and financial aid, has said that rumors of athletic recruiting for strip chess will not be addressed at this time.




Lakeside's Treasure Hunters

CJ PAIGE Congratulations to Lakeside’s Orienteering team! Last month in Kansas City, five members of our community, Melissa Newbry '14, Ross Bretherton '14, Tim Randolph '14, David Inglis '13, and Simon Barbe '13, took home the second place trophy on the national inter-scholastic division. Many of these members also ranked in the top ten individually with the others not far behind. Ross Bretherton and David Inglis got 10th and 7th respectively in the boys division and Melissa Newbry got

L i t t Little League is back for the month of April—this time, with our very own Tearon Joseph, Associate Director of Admissions and Financial Aid at Lakeside. Take a gander at his athletic past.

2nd in the girls division. The entire team managed to place one place higher than last year, when Lakeside received third place overall. Perhaps next year the team will take first— but in order to do that, Tim said, “We need more people to join next year because otherwise we are going to peter out once we lose all our juniors and seniors.” Orienteering sounds like an amazing activity with a low time commitment; the only requirement is to show up to some of the meets which occur only once every two weeks on

l e

Saturday. However, the benefits of joining are huge. It is doubtful that in other extracurriculars one can say “I jumped over a guy once” like Tim can. He did this when trying to get to the next checkpoint on the map during a meet. The entire race is like a large scavenger hunt—or, as Tim puts it, "It's kind of like a treasure hunt." The races only take about thirty minutes to an hour to complete, but the courses are 3-6 kilometers, so much of the time is spent navigating and going off the trail. The great advantage Lakeside students

possess in this activity is that members of our community are both athletic and smart, although no previous navigation skills are necessary. The team has a great sense of community, and whether it be on the recreational level or the national level, fun is guaranteed. The Lakeside Orienteering team “has a lot of hardware” says Ross—and who wouldn’t want the chance to be a part of a nationally ranked team? Congratulations once again to Lakeside’s very own treasure hunters!

g L a e e u

TJ: Oh man, I had many. I wanted to run like Michael Johnson, hit like Don Mattingly, and dominate the football field like Randall Cunningham. The world stopped when Chris Evert and Gabriela Sabatini played tennis on TV. I proposed to them many times through the screen.

Juliana DeVaan: What sports did you play as a kid? Tearon Joseph: Where I grew up there weren’t too many sports options. We played handball and basketball in the schoolyard. Every now and then someone would start up a game of two-hand-touch football. We also played football on my block; the parked cars marked the end zones and out of bounds. I grew up at the end of the stick ball era in New York. It was really sad to see it die out. Still, baseball was my sport. I wanted to play centerfield for the Yankees. When I got to high school I branched out and also played football, basketball, and ran track. JD: Were there any particular coaches who inspired you? TJ: Unfortunately, no, which is why I wanted to coach. JD: When you were young, who was your ultimate sports crush?

JD: Have you coached any Lakeside sports? TJ: This is the first time in four years that I haven’t coached baseball. I try to get down to the diamond every now and then to throw batting practice. Lion Baseball is poised to make some noise in the Metro league and beyond. JD: Have the Lakeside students caused you any grief when coaching? TJ: Are you kidding? ALL THE TIME! You know who’s the worst? Kyle Curtis ‘14. Meanest. Kid. Ever. Adam Hinthorne ‘14 is no better. He’ll steal your Powerade and drink it right in front of you. That kid is a menace! JD: What is the best part of coaching your students? TJ: Students are so much more than the grade they get in physics or how often they forget to sign-in in the morning. You see a different side of kids after 3 p.m. The best part? Driving a mini-bus to and from practices and games. Just sit there and listen to the conversations and you’ll quickly remember how awkward, fun, maddening, and special high school team sports and relationships can be.

Mr. Joseph competed in many athletic endeavors as a child. Photo courtesy of Tearon Joseph.





Lion of the Month: Joe Lorang you can do to come up with different types of sounds. I think you can really make the sound really your own and distinct, more so than with other instruments.” Although Joe Lorang has been playing his instrument for over a decade, he was initially not as committed as he is now. “I would say that I didn’t really get super serious about it until middle school,” Joe said. During 5th grade,

Joe will be performing with the National Youth Orchestra as one of six students selected from the Seattle Metropolitan Area. Gilda Rastegar.

SOFIA MARTINS Few of us ever find something that we are truly passionate about. We may go through our entire lives never really discovering that one thing that makes us tic, something for which we live, and can’t live without. Even fewer of us will have the opportunity to turn this interest from a hobby into a career, especially during the high school years, but Joseph Lorang '14 is heading down this very path. He is well on his way to transitioning from student musician to professional violinist. Joe's relationship with music began at the early age of five, but while he may

have begun young, he also explains that he does not come from a musical background. “Neither of my parents are musicians at all, but they wanted me to at least learn something.” Finding the violin was rather serendipitous; his family had originally intended for him to learn how to play the piano, but his story took a turn. “At the place where I was studying I had to take this brief introduction to violin, cello, and piano, and at the end I decided that the violin is what I wanted to play." Joe preferred the violin because of the “whole range of pitch and articulation … all the different things

“ ” There’s certain risks involved with performing in front of people, and I enjoy getting up there and showing my interpretation of the pieces, and conveying how I see the piece of music, conveying its emotions. - Joe Lorang

he joined the Seattle Youth Symphony Orchestra program, entering at its lowest level, the symphonette orchestra. He slowly worked his way up, and by eighth grade, he had made it to its most prestigious ensemble. During this time he also began to participate in competitions like the Seattle Young Artists Music Festival. Joe admits that, though he has had years of experience performing for large audiences at concerts and competitions, he does "get nervous; everybody gets nervous." He explains that "even a few years ago, I was very un-

comfortable performing in front of people. I would get up there and forget things and get very nervous and shaky.” But as with anything, and as Joe knows well, practice makes perfect. “One thing about the particular violin study that I’ve had is that we have a lot of recitals, and I feel like that performance experience has helped me a lot.” The live performances have now become an exciting challenge for Joe. “It’s a very exciting, exhilarating experience. … There’s certain risks involved with performing in front of people, and I enjoy getting up there and showing my interpretation of the pieces, and conveying how I see the piece of music, conveying its emotions.” His enjoyment of live performances has even led him to professional engagements. "For a few years I’ve been playing roughly with the same string quartet on and off. Last year, we did the Seattle Youth Symphony’s Scholarship chamber Ensemble program. … They have this program that pays for coaching and they basically provide opportunities for gigs for kids in the Scholarship Chamber Ensemble program. … [We] sometimes get paid but mostly [it is] helping bring experience for us and recognition for the youth symphony.” This type of experience is invaluable for a young, up-and-coming musician as Joe plans to pursue music as a life-long career. This summer he will have another chance to further his professional goal. Joe Lorang has recently been chosen as one of 120 youths from across the country, and one of six in Washington State, to participate in the first ever National Youth Orchestra. He will participate in a two-week training residency in New York under the tutelage of esteemed musicians from across the U.S., and he will play in an orchestra conducted by Valery Gergiev on an international tour with stops in Washington D.C., Moscow, St. Petersburg, and London, joined by Joshua Bell as a soloist. In the future, we may very well see his name next to the title of featured soloist.

Play Preview: The Diviners KAILEE MADDEN Taking place in rural Indiana, this year’s spring play, The Diviners, directed by new Drama teacher Sheila Daniels, explores the intricate relationships in the small town of Zion. Set during the Great Depression, The Diviners portrays very believable and human characters struggling with their personal problems of fear, faith, and family. Originally performed by the Hanover College Theatre Group in 1980, this play by Jim Leonard,

Jr. revolves around four main characters: a preacher displaced from Kentucky named CC Showers (Logan Taylor '15); a sweet-natured, but mentally challenged, young boy named Buddy (Nate Rudder '15); his motherly sister, Jennie Mae (Dana Marrero '14); and the children's father, Ferris (Ben Johnson '13). Most of the play is told as if the events were a memory, and the play eloquently circles back to the beginning scene as it ends. With an all-star

cast, The Diviners is going to be a performance you will not want to miss, a performance that will move you with its sad tones, a performance that will capture—and keep—your attention with the perfect balance of immediate action and internal conflict. "[The Diviners] is funny in a dark sort of way," Logan said. The play will entertain you throughout its course, but will leave you thinking about its deeper meanings long after the curtains close.


life & culture


Lakeside Assassins

Continued from front page

the game, a quarter to the second to last one standing, and half (that's over $200) to the winner. At the time of writing, after nearly a month of gameplay, 63 people are still in the running.

Making Bonds, Breaking Bonds

One afternoon after soccer practice, Chris Gellein '13 was followed home. When he stepped out of his car, fellow footballer Thayer Fisher '13 shot him with a Nerf gun. It was the first kill of the game. "He lives south, so it's sort of on my way home. It's like 10 minutes out of my way," Thayer said. The rules, which Michael Shum arbitrates, forbid assassination on the Lakeside campus or at any school-related events. Some players have gone to great lengths to find ways around this, and of course, shenanigans have ensued. Jay Neilson's first target was Grace Stonecipher '13. He sat in his car outside her house for an hour, waiting her to get home from crew practice. "So finally at, like, 6:30, she comes home. … I try to open my door, but my door's locked so it makes a noise and she notices. So I, like, look out and she has this big gun, and she tries to shoot me." If a player shoots her assassin, she becomes invulnerable to death for the next 24 hours. But in this particularly case, Grace was not quite quick enough. Jay is convinced that he will be out of the game soon and has no interest in the hefty prize money. But he seems to be having a good time. "I think it's good for the grade, because it's bringing people together," Jay said. "I killed Grace—I don't know her very well, but it gave us something to talk about.

While I have not been participating in Assassins, all the participants I have talked to have echoed the idea that Jay presented: The game provides a way for the senior class to connect and have fun together. It can also provide a much needed distraction. "I'm really stressed about college decisions, so this is something fun to kind of put that nervous energy into," Ben Johnson '13 said. Ben takes the game pretty seriously; he was the one who staked out on the roof. The roof belonged to Thayer. "I definitely don't want to go hang with him," Thayer said of Ben, who is a close friend. "At school and places where it's safe, we're still pretty good friends," he added. The dark side of Assassins is its tendency to drive little wedges like this into friendships. Afrah Eltom '13 was assassinated on a lunch outing; Will Hinman '13 was supposedly betrayed to his assassin by a confidante. I heard one story of a player who was lured into getting frozen yogurt by a group plotting his demise; the assassin shot him on the way to the store. They were kind enough to pay for his froyo afterward. But nobody I have talked to seems to take these moments too seriously. People may change their habits: They may stay on campus for lunch, or look out for familiar cars on the way home, or carry Nerf guns in their purses. But for the large part, life goes on. "Originally I thought it was just divisive for the class, in that nobody would hang out with each other anymore," Ben said. "But, like, when it came down to it, … friends are still hanging out together, especially now as they are getting more complacent." And he is one of the more intense players. "Honestly, I forget about it half the time," Isa Gutierrez '13 said."I actually probably go out less because of it, … but I try not to let it affect my social life too


A Matter



Despite all the little stresses and paranoia that Assassins may bring to its participants, as a whole it seems like a positive experience for those involved. The game is an exciting bonding experience, and it is intended to be inclusive, though the $5 buy-in and organization through Facebook (which not everybody has) pose some challenges to that goal. "I love the camaraderie, … that it's bonding kids together," Drama teacher Alban Dennis said. But he also expressed reservations about some aspects of the game, reservations that I have felt as well. As I watch my friends stockpile toy weapons and talk of shooting one another, I cannot help but recognize the disconnect between a game like Assassins and the reality of gun violence, especially with the tragedies at Aurora and Newtown so fresh in our nation's collective memory. We are fortunate that Lakeside is a community where we can play with orange, foam bullets rather than worry about deadly, metal ones. And to what benefit too! The game of Assassins has provided great entertainment and brought a senior class together in its final months at this school. But do these benefits outweigh the fundamental disrespect at the core of the game? That is not a simple question to answer. At the very least, let us make sure not to forget what it really means to point a gun, to kill, or to die. Let us play with a conscience. "Maybe that winner needs to give their money to victims of gun violence," Mr. Dennis suggested. Nothing would be a more elegant testament to the thoughtfulness and compassion of this community.

It's Not Sex-Ed CLARE LARSON It was that time of year when cherry blossoms were starting to bloom and the giggling of awkward sophomores snickering about “sex-ed” could be heard from most community workrooms. As the president of GLOW (Gay, Lesbian, or Whatever) I had become privy to some anonymous opinions on how inclusive this curriculum was towards the school’s LGTB community, so I decided to investigate. Physical Education Department Head Doug Porter was generous with his time, clarifying and discussing the issue with me. “In health ed [classes at Lakeside] we don’t actually talk about sex, we talk about reproduction,” he said in a statement that illuminated a disparity between what many students, such as Lucy Johnson, believe is “sex-ed” and what the school believes is “reproduction.” “The angle on the physicality of reproduction is what we deal with, and so we're not dealing with sexual positions or the acts of sex. We’re not talking about those from the perspective of heterosexual or homosexual." Confusion surrounding labeling the curriculum has led to my discovery of both those who wish for a more explicitly sex-oriented education, and those who simply want to “fill out”

what is taught under the umbrella of reproduction. Some students feel marginalized by the current ways in which reproduction is—and more importantly, isn’t— taught. “It was all heteronormative sex-ed,” Mehak Anwar '12 said, admitting that she did not find the class to be inclusive. Emily Ruppel '14 feels that “reproduction is really important for anyone who wants to have kids." In a time when the battle for same-sex marriage is raging, this is no longer limited to heteronormative couples or even to couples at all. Today the dearth of ways in which the proverbial crane can drop a little bundle of joy off at your house is surprisingly wide. “My goal is really only to make sure people make informed decisions,” Mr. Porter said. But do important decisions regarding reproduction include more than just contraception and malefemale sex? Methods of reproduction that address single women, people with a partner who is unable to produce offspring and non-heteronormative couples are not currently included in the curriculum. “If I dated men, then health class would probably prepare me to make decisions regarding preventing pregnancy, but it wasn’t really

relevant for me,” reported a student who identifies as a lesbian but wishes to remain anonymous. Today, some alternative methods of reproduction include Controlled Ovarian Hyper-stimulation (COH), and embryo adoption. Another alternative form of reproduction is artificial insemination (AI), a method through which a woman can be impregnated through means other than sexual intercourse (Northwest Reproductive). “The only time I cover those in class is if a question is brought up. We don’t go into alternative methods a whole lot unless a question is brought up,” Mr. Porter explained. “A lot of our curriculum is based on students asking questions. We have some things we want to cover, bare bones, and it’s not brought up a lot." Although he admitted that they have not been discussed, Mr. Porter was open and accepting of the idea, candidly agreeing that “we can talk about those.” Curious about how the decisions of what to include and exclude from the curriculum were made, I became aware of the challenge that the Physical Education Department faces. In 12 weeks, they have to cover “health." While Mr. Porter mentioned that he could teach an entire class on nutrition alone, the

time has been limited to three weeks. “We just don’t have time to cover everything that we need to cover,” Mr. Porter said. Mr. Porter agreed that the limitations on class time have affected the time horizon that the school is able to focus on. While child-bearing is important to many Lakesiders in the long term, most high-school students are going to find contraception more relevant in the short-term. When I asked him how he would feel about expanding the curriculum to include information about “non-conventional” forms of reproduction, clarifying that this is different from explicit sexual education and more of an elaboration on the school’s current curriculum choice, Mr. Porter was optimistic about the possibility of such a change. "I would like to think that if a group of people feel that we are not covering what we need to cover, then the process of 'can we do this' [would occur] and the answer is most likely going to be yes," he said. This potential change is something that Mr. Porter “would hope it would become [part of] every class, so this would be just like we talk about birth control or contraception, this would be a portion of a class that we taught as a part of the curriculum.”



TATLER | Opinions

Lakeside Wastes 125 Hours per Year Signing In GAUTAM HATHI This is no joke. It’s well known that the sluggish student sign-in system is a major source of student irritation. However, if you do the math, it also turns out that the current system consumes a fairly large amount of Lakeside’s time for no good reason. Having 500 Lakeside students wait for 5 seconds each day while signing in (which is often how much time it takes) wastes 125 hours over the course of the school year. If you type in your ID number wrong, you wait another 5 seconds, and good luck getting to class on time if the attendance machines aren’t working and you’re reduced to paper and pencil sign ins. We can knock down the Athletics Center, we can remodel Bliss, but so far, we have failed to replace the creaking machines and obsolete servers that waste 125 hours per year. Just to get a sense of how much this time means to Lakeside, you can look at the value of 125 hours of Lakeside tuition. Once again, we do some math (I apologize for the torture). A year at Lakeside costs $27,250. Assuming 180 days per school year and 7 hours per school day, an hour at Lakeside costs $21.63. 125 hours spent signing in comes out to $2703 wasted per year. That kind of money could almost double the clubs budget or buy a couple more of those fancy new 3D printers which are in Allen-Gates. It could also fund 0.01229% of the new Athletics Center. According to Information Services Manager Michael Asbridge, the reason why the system hasn’t been replaced yet is

because it runs custom software that was developed long ago. A replacement would have to be built or bought from scratch. Interestingly, the administration hasn’t felt the need to look into that possibility. “It’s not something that I’ve paid much attention to,” says Upper School Assistant Director Bryan Smith. This issue just hasn’t come up so far. This project seems like something the Computer Science IV class could take a crack at. How much could it cost? $1000? $2000? $2703? It seems like a solution just might be worth it, given that even a few seconds shaved off of sign-in times could save hours over the school year, not to mention the major benefits from annoyance reduction. Of course, it is true that there is not a catastrophe every morning when student line up to sign in. Everyone gets to class on time (usually), and there are rarely major disruptions to the school day. However, every minute of time here at Lakeside is valuable, in ways that a simple tuition breakdown doesn’t capture. Every minute in class has potential, and every minute ads up. The real problem here is that we are wasting this potential for no good reason. According to Mr. Smith, replacing the current attendance machines is, “certainly something we could look into.” That’s good, because currently the system is in a sorry state. In fact, the headline for this article started out as a joke idea for the April Fools issue. Unfortunately, the math isn’t a joke, and neither is the 125 hours we waste every year for no good reason.


Kim Jong-un Takes On Interests Other Than Cake PIERRE SUIGNARD All hopes for a reformed North Korea were shattered when Kim Jong-un, Supreme Leader of North Korea, First Secretary of the Worker’s Party, Chairman of the Central Military Commission, First Chairman of the National Defense Commission of North Korea, and Supreme Commander of the Korean People’s Army decided to test a third nuclear weapon. This latest nuke, with a destructive power of 2-7 kilotons, would be enough to take out a quarter of Mercer Island. If it ever got there. Although North Korea has a working nuclear weapon, it does not yet have the capability of detonating it anywhere in the United States. Japan and South Korea though are at a much greater risk, since they are in range of North Korean missiles which could soon carry nuclear weapons. This nuclear test follows a recent North Korean launch of an orbiting satellite, said to “monitor weather” by the North Korean Central News Agency. All these experiments have not gone unnoticed by the international community. In 2006, the United Nations passed a resolution banning North Korea from conducting nuclear tests. China, North Korea’s most important ally, threatened sanctions after these latest escapades. North Korea also seems to be doing everything it can to attract attention to itself. It has threatened to repeal the 1953 armistice, has conducted naval missile tests near South Korean military bases, and has told citizens of nearby South Korean islands to evacuate or face the full brunt of North Korea’s military might. “I think that Kim Jong-Un is foolish because he’s meddling in affairs that will destroy his country,” Chris Luche ‘14 said. And as North Korea continues seeing how far it can go before retaliation, this seems truer than ever. The international community had once hoped that Kin Jong-Un would rule differently. But since 2012, when he took power, he has been ruling on North Korea just as his father, Kim Jong-Il had done: starving the masses, lying to foreign countries, and progressing backwards technologically. Its starving population is fed largely by foreign entities, and it is in no position to take on any military conflict. The international community can only hope that North Korea regains what little sense it had before this situation, and decides on pursuing less destructive goals. In all reality, where is this industrial apocalyptic wasteland of a country going?





Prop 8 & DOMA: What's All The Fuss About? EMILY RUPPEL In his 2010 ruling against Proposition 8, the California voter referendum that revoked the right to marry for thousands of same-sex couples, Judge Walker declared, “Plaintiffs have shown by overwhelming evidence that Proposition 8 violates their due process and equal protection rights.” In layman’s terms, Prop 8 was unconstitutional for two reasons: firstly, because legalizing marriage equality and then banning it several months later was a violation of due process, and secondly, because preventing samesex couples from marrying in California was institutionalized discrimination against lesbian, gay, and bisexual Americans and thus a violation of the Fourteenth Amendment. Today, the Supreme Court’s ruling on Proposition 8 is imminent, and it’s the second part of Judge Walker’s ruling that proves most relevant. Walker’s ruling, though it only applied to California, strongly implied nationwide bans on same-sex marriage to be in violation of the Fourteenth Amendment. When the proponents of Prop 8 appealed Walker’s ruling, the 9th Circuit Court of Appeals chose to ignore the larger question of whether Proposition 8 discriminates against gay, lesbian, and bisexual Americans (answer: yes), and instead focused on the violation of due process that Walker described. Therefore, while the Court of Appeals ruled it unconstitutional,


their ruling did not have greater ramifications for marriage equality nationwide, as it was applicable only to the quite unusual California case, where same-sex Americans had the right to marry for several months (and over 18,000 couples did, in fact, marry during this period) before this right was revoked. The Supreme Court ruling is a tossup, and Justice Anthony Kennedy is likely to cast the deciding vote. However, a majority of Americans now support same-sex marriage, President Obama recently filed a brief casting his support with Prop 8’s challengers, and in November, for the first time in history, popular in four states (including Washington) swung in favor of marriage equality. Many gay rights advocates are cautiously hopeful, and the biggest question is what the results of the ruling – whichever direction Kennedy swings in – will be. Prop 8 will go before the Supreme Court the same week as the Defense of Marriage Act, a relic of the 1990s that prevents the federal government from recognizing same-sex marriages. The Obama administration has refused to defend DOMA, and according to, 69% of legal scholars believe the act to be unconstitutional. Though a surprise ruling is of course possible, DOMA appears to be doomed, and the justices could either take the equal protection angle (arguing that the federal gov-

ernment has no right to discriminate against same-sex couples) or, more likely, the states’ rights angle, arguing that marriage is an issue for state legislatures to handle, and the federal government should recognize unions that states have chosen to recognize. Therefore, it’s Proposition 8 that has the potential for sweeping ramifications nationwide. Though Obama has stated that he personally supports marriage equality, the administration brief on the case did not openly urge the Supreme Court to legalize marriage equality nationwide. It did, however, state the view that Proposition 8 discriminates against gay, lesbian, and bisexual citizens, and is therefore a violation of the Fourteenth Amendment. The reasoning behind this argument, as it’s been made by the prosecution team, is simple. The fact that homosexuality is a genetic and immutable characteristic is extraordinarily well-documented; sources, frankly, are too numerous to list, but they include 1991, 2000, 2001, and 2010 studies on twins; 1993, 1998, 2005, 2010, and 2011 studies on genes which might cause homosexuality; a 1997 study on womb environments, and many others. Walker acknowledged this in his ruling, stating that, “No credible evidence exists a finding that an individual may, through conscious decision, therapeutic intervention, or any other method, change his or her sexual orientation.” Further-

more, Judge Walker concurred with the prosecution’s argument that, as gays and lesbians have been discriminated against historically, any attempt to limit their legal rights should be looked at with suspicion. Homosexuality, along with bisexuality, is an innate characteristic; socalled “reparative therapy” has been found to be both ineffective and extraordinarily damaging to the recipient. Same-sex couples are denied thousands of federal and state rights, and the only explanation is institutionalized discrimination. It is not the place of the government to moralize. The Fourteenth Amendment guarantees equal protection under the law to all citizens. Though the Supreme Court may well rule against Prop 8 on the grounds that it violates due process, such a ruling would be cowardly. Judge Walker’s 138-page 2010 ruling against Proposition 8 outlines many of the reasons why Proposition 8 is unconstitutional, all of which add up to the fact that it’s simple discrimination. This case has the potential to overturn laws against marriage equality nationwide, laws which violate the constitutional rights of hundreds of thousands of citizens. Though partisan politics can and will interfere, it should be a straightforward case: Prop 8, along with laws banning same-sex marriage throughout the United States, is in violation of the Fourteenth Amendment.



news th Monview in Re Looking Forward

with the Student Government President-Elect SHELLY BENSAL we’ll often work on projects, and we may not get conclusive results, or things may not turn out the way we want them to, and so then it’s hard to talk to people about it. I think we should have a “town hall” session once a month, where any student can talk to Student Government representatives, club leaders and maybe administration about suggestions and future ideas. I also think it’d be useful to have a Student Government website which would hold us more accountable.

This month, Tatler sat down with Student Government President-Elect Kathleen Malloch ’14, to talk about her time on Student Government, as well as her future plans.

Why did you originally want to run for Student Government? I think Student Government is a strong place to voice my opinions, and to represent the interests of the students at Lakeside. We’ve talked a lot this year about how Student Government should be about serving our peers. I wanted to help others, and I thought that it would be a really interesting experience talking first-hand with the administration. I also ran because I felt that the current system wasn’t doing enough, and I thought that I could help make a change. How do you think that you only having been on Student Government for one year will make your presidency different? I’m personally really excited about it. I think that being new gives me a new perspective, and a new voice. I think it allows me more freedom, because I can push things a little harder, which will be really useful. But of course, I don’t have all the experience. I’m not particularly concerned about that though, because I’m sure I’ll have a lot of people working to guide me through the process. What are your plans for the coming year? I really want to start off with changing the tone of Student Government by creating more accountability and transparency so that people know what we’re doing. I think part of the problem is,

“ ” We can do our best, but next year it is crucial that we get more students engaged in our work.

How do you think Student Government can be made more effective in the future? I believe that Student Government has greatly improved our efficiency over the course of the year – but clearly there is room for improvement. We act as a liaison, voicing the opinions of the student body to the administration and vice versa, but we don’t have the ultimate decision making power. We can do our best, but next year it is crucial that we get more students engaged in our work. By getting more students involved, I believe that next year we will be able to more effectively and efficiently create real change on campus.


Start of Iditarod Trail Sled Dog Race which covers 1,000 miles in Alaska Boys Varsity Basketball competes in State Championship

Dow Jones Industrial Average all-time high


2-year old cured of HIV/ AIDS


NYC ban on sale of soft drinks over 16 oz. does not take effect due to state judge’s ruling; Mayor’s office will appeal NASA announces findings of Curiosity’s mission: Mars could have supported life


6,000 pigs, dead of disease, discovered floating down Huangpu River, China, a major source of drinking water


Daylight Savings



Argentinian Cardinal Jorge Mario Bergoglio elected as Pope

US Spring Semester Midpoint










VO LU M E 77 • E D I T I O N 8 | M o n d a y, A pr il 1, 2013

Lakeside School’s 100% student written, edited, and reviewed newspaper | Seattle, WA

est. 1934

Extroversion vs. Introversion at Lakeside WALKER CAPLAN Walk into almost any classroom at Lakeside and you’ll hear students excitedly sharing ideas, adding to or rebutting each others’ comments and passionately discussing ideas. This might lead one to believe that Lakeside is a congregation of gregarious extroverts vying with one another to get a word in edgewise. Yet, surprisingly, Head of School Bernie Noe reports that "40% of Lakeside kids consider themselves introverts”. This is significantly higher than the 25% of the U.S. population that identify as introverts. Introversion and extroversion lie at the far ends of a continuum: the distinction between them is inward vs. outward focus. Introverts derive energy from solitary work and reflection while extroverts get their kicks from human interaction and collaborating. Introverts are identified as independent, reflective and analytical while extroverts are more social, confident and natural leaders. Where one falls on the continuum may be hardwired: positron emission tomography (PET) scans reveal greater blood flow and brain activity in introverts’ frontal lobes, the area associated with event recall and problem


solving, than extroverts'. Introverts display a lower tolerance for dopamine, the neurotransmitter associated with rewarding stimuli, which can make them feel anxious and

the continuum prefer one way of 'being' but typically are quite able to do the activities that typically fall into the opposite category," advises Dr. Meredith Bledsoe in

“ ” Do we overvalue extroversion at our school? Courtesy of

The overwhelming majority of 8th- through 12th-graders, when asked by Mr. Noe, felt that Lakeside favors extroverts.

drained. In contrast, brain activity in extroverts is greater in the posterior thalamus and areas involved in interpreting sensory data. Though one’s orientation may be hardwired, "people who fall in the midrange on


ALEC GLASSFORD Imagine returning home after a long day to find a camouflage-clad man on your roof. He has been staked out there for over an hour, waiting for you with a Nerf gun that is modified to shoot over extended distances. You would be completely unaware of his presence, if it weren't for the three women who have tipped you off and are now standing outside your house, armed with their own toy firearms. Before long, orange foam darts are flying through the air. This is Assassins.


Lakeside's Pawprint. And that seems to be exactly what a significant amount of the Lakeside populace is doing: as expressed by Mr. Noe, “A surprising percentage of Lakeside kids are introverts, but they really work at

to be a

The Rise of a Phenomenon

Assassins is a live-action group activity, the rough gameplay of which goes something like this: Each player is randomly and secretly assigned a target. A player must then attempt to "assassinate" his target covertly, and once he has done so, he acquires his target's target. The last player "alive" wins. The game usually takes several days or weeks to play out. Assassination can take many forms; Wikipedia lists splashing with water

being extroverts because they feel like that’s what they’re supposed to be.” The overwhelming majority of 8ththrough 12th-graders, when asked by Mr. Noe, felt that Lakeside favors extroverts. Students reported that they felt a disproportionate percentage of leadership positions went to extroverts - that that 40% of the Lakeside population was being marginalized. To check this, Tatler distributed a personal style quiz* to a number of students in leadership positions to determine if they are in fact the confident natural leaders they’re perceived as. The quiz asked them to rate on a 1-5 scale their agreement to statements such as: I prefer not to show or discuss my work with others until I’ve finished. I tend to think before I speak. People tell me I’m a good listener. I’m not a big risk taker. Interestingly, the averaged scores for all of the leaders was just 3.1 or marginally extroverted. The individual data reveals that there are several (successful!) introverted leaders among us. Additionally, students expressed the belief that extroverts had an advantage in discussion-based classes.

One freshman summed up their concerns: “I think being introverted isn’t necessarily a bad thing at Lakeside, but I do think extroversion is rewarded. In semester comments, teachers point out when you’re an active participator, and encourage you to speak up more when you’re not. There’s a reason behind it, but extroverts still have the advantage when it comes to grades.” Lakeside is working to be more sensitive to students' personal styles. For example, Meredith Bledsoe reported that “rather than giving a grade for class participation…a teacher instead considers a student’s engagement – which might include written work shared among classmates or on the class blog.” Noe states that "everyone needs to push themselves to be extroverted some of the time". He does, however, emphasize that one need not be extroverted to be successful; that talent comes in all shapes and everyone has a contribution to make. * Introvert Quiz developed by Susan Cain, Author of Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can't Stop Talking. Entire quiz can be found on the Tatler website.

Lakeside Assassin

balloons, "poisoning" with Tabasco, and slicing with lightsabers as possible modes. But perhaps the most popular paradigm is assassination by Nerf gun. Last December, for a project in Computer Science IV, Michael Shum '13 developed a website to manage a game of Assassins. The website stores targets and scores in a database. Each player can log on with a code word to see how many players she has killed and who her next target is. When she is defeated, she gives her code word to her assassin.

Michael, a captain of the swim team, intended to use the website for a spirit activity that the whole team could enjoy, but this plan fell through. But then Senior Spring rolled around, and with the encouragement and organization of Alena Kantor '13 and Jay Neilson '13, a phenomenon began. 82 members of the class of 2013 paid $5 apiece to join an immense game of assassins. The money will be split three ways: A quarter of it will go to the person with the most kills at the end of

Continued on page 17


April 2013  

The April 2013 issue of The Lakeside Tatler

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