CONCEIVED LJILJANA MARINKOVI]
SCHOOL NAPISALA JASMINKA PETROVI] ILLUSTRATED DOBROSAV BOB @IVKOVI]
SCHOOL CONCEIVED BY LJILJANA MARINKOVI]
by JASMINKA PETROVI] ILLUSTRATED BY DOBROSAV @IVKOVI]
From the cradle to the grave, school is our best time in life. The time spent in school is certainly the most car e-free and happiest period of our lives. Faithful friends, dedicated teachers, caring principals, the sound of the school bell, the boisterous cacophony spreading out of the school yard - these are memories to be cherished for ever . But was ever ything really that way?
SCHOOL IS MADE UP OF 8 CLASSROOMS 8 desks 9 chairs 9 the blackboard 9 the orderly 10 STUDENTS 10 student types classified by conduct 15 student types classified by study 18 student types classified by school-bags 21 other types of students
23 THE TEACHERS ROOM 23 the Form Register 24 TEACHERS 25 teacher types classified by manner of entering the classroom
28 teacher types classified by manner of testing knowledge
31 teacher types classified by behaviour
RIDDLE: What's a school full of pupils yet not a door in sight?
54 LABS 56 the "if" teaching aids 57 school implements 57 essential school gear 57 textbooks
ANSWER: A nightmare!
41 CLASSES 41 lateness 44 the duration of classes 45 sleeping 46 oral exams 49 homework 51 truancy 52 literature 53 historical morsels
58 OTHER 58 the Class Teacher 59 excuses 60 working Saturdays 60 supplementary and remedial classes 61 recreation, field trips 62 medical checks 63 side effects 64 professional staff 67 other rooms 70 the school yard 72 PTA meetings 73 parents 75 from school to home 76 birthdays and parties 77 the Graduation Ball
CLASSROOMS The rooms in which schoolchildren spend the best days of their childhoods. Seldom whitewashed and never aired out. Every classroom has:
Purpose: writing formulas before exams and messages to other kids, attaching wads of chewing gum, inscribing own names and nicknames and the names of loved ones.
CUR IO ENO USLY the te UGH, ac
he faces the ot r's desk her w ay!
N: TIO A V ER in OBS working ms
Kids * classroo ved ve impro ally achie u s. s t u resul better
SITE DESIGNATED FOR MESSAGES OF A PERSONAL NATURE
SITE FOR CHEWING GUM
SITE FOR CONCEALING FORMULAS
SITE FOR CHEWING GUM
THE SHORTER LEG
THE LONGER LEG * creepers in glass jars……, shoots never replanted, dried-out African violets on window-sills, empty flower pots…
E: NOT y seldom
l asing ally Incre for actu d use ning on lea
A: CORRECT AND ABSOLUTELY UNITERESTING USE OF A CHAIR
Purpose: ruining spines, rocking backand forth, falling over, ripping socks and lifting up on the desks after classes.
B: NOT QUITE CORRECT BUT CONSIDERABLY MORE AMUSING USE OF A CHAIR
THE BLACKBOARD /one/
C: THE USUAL CONSEQUENCE OF THE USE OF A CHAIR AS LISTED UNDER "B"
Large black of green surface with numerous pits and dents. PURPOSE: guessing the actual meaning of what is written on it*, cringing when it's scratched, jettisoning the (laboriously hung) map, humiliation before the entire class.
*When it's wet, hard to read off because it's wet, and when it's dry, hard to read off because it's dry.
THE ORDERLY /two/
Purpose: losing the sponge, forgetting to bring chalk, losing the key to the classroom, grassing other pupils, forgetting to water the withering flowers. In the lower grades, being orderly is a great privilege, in the upper ones, a major pain.
Kids who spend half their childhood in school and the other half doing homework. Students can be classified into several categories; by their conduct, study, STUDENT TYP ES school-bags, CLASSIFIED B other. Y CO
, TEACHER S PET THE ANTICHRIST A SMALL TOKEN OF ATTENTION FOR THE TEACHERâ€Ś
Always has neatly cut and combed hair, clean ears, tidy nails, shoes brightly shined, homework done in full, and always, but always, a pencil at hand to pass to the teacher. To be found in the first r ow, at the desk adjoining teacher's, even during breaks. Class President for life.
Enjoys talking others into doing what they'd neverb think of doing. Gets into trouble easily and pulls everyone down with him (even Teacher's Pet).
Often also a Loner. Communication withthis type requires the use of the Mimist's Diary *. Recommended for pantomime and formal occasions.
*THE MIMIST'S DIARY: Nodding - I will. Shaking the head - I won't. Red cheeks - Thank you. Uh-uh - Of course!! Mmmh - You're right. I think so, too! Hm! - You're talking complete nonsense! Ha! - That is funny! Ha! Ha! - This is soooooo funny!
ALSO KNOWN AS THE BABBLER AND HE MAGPIE. SCOFFS AT SAYINGS LIKE SILENCE IS GOLDEN AND LOOK BEFORE YOU LEAP.
Also known as the Babbler and the Magpie. Scoffs at sayings like Silence is golden and Look before you leap. RECOMMENDED FOR: hour-long phone conversations, pettifogging, gossip and meddling.
Can't wait to begin whining, moaning, sniveling and whimpering. Easy to recognise by a swollen nose, puffed eyes and constant use of hankies. Cries mainly because: acid rain destroys forests, the Beatles broke up, the biology teacher is retiring, the teacher's son's pet hamster has died, an unexpected B, and because nobody loves him.
Not a particularly handsome or smart but a very muscular pupil who cruises the school yard and maltreats everyone who is younger and/or weaker. Keen to deprive others of their lunches, trainers or pocket-money. Good for avoiding.
sh femal tion e TE: NO illustra s for th Our bully. A r them! male , bully fo ones
THE ZOMBIE e-mail address. (RETURN IF FOUND).
THE CLASS W IT
Sits in the last row and frequently relates short and sharp statements which crack up the class. There's a superior and inferior subtype: the former tells fresh and funny jokes, the latter old and bad ones. The former is used for infatuation, the latter for eschewal.
POCKET VIDEO GAMES (FIRST AID).
The Class Wit is the target of the Teacher's anathema: He who laughs last, laughs longest!
A student who spends nights sitting before a computer or TV screen or with buddies. Hates mornings, PT and the Chatterbox. Moves and speaks sluggishly. Sleeps in class.
Most widespread type of student. Exists in numerous subtypes: the Informer, the Snitch, the Rat, the Stool Pigeon, the Squealerâ€Ś the Grass informs horizontally (on students to other students), and vertically (on students to teachers), and diagonally (on teachers to the principal). Distinguishing signs: big ears and excellent sense of smell. Sensitivity of hearing extends up to 70 yards. Some examples have developed lip-reading abilities.
THE TOADY or a BOOTLICKER
A student who habitually squirms, writhes, slobbers, creeps and crawls before the teacher. Never forgets the teacher's birthday. Only student to associate with the teacher's own kids during field trips. By the manner of study, classed as a Crammer. Holds a ready supply of compliments for persons from whom he expects favours. Detested by classmates.
STUDENT TYPES UDY: CLASSIFIED BY ST
/also: I KNOW !
THE W ISE GUY Seldom seen in schools. Brain between six and seven times heavier than those of other children, up to ten times bigger than the teacher's and 17 times that of the Nerd. Main characteristic: I KNOW IT!! knows EVERYTHING. Favourite I KNOW IT!! book; the Encyclopaedia Britannica. Has a hard time at proms, parties and other public events. Wears glasses and CONFUSED a shirt buttoned to the throat. Favourite retort: "You don't know that?!
ASK ME ASK ME!/ I KNOW IT?! I KNOW IT!!
ANO THE ORI NG BOO K
Students who raise their hands even before teachers finish their questions. Appear happy and enthusiastic; in contrast, kids who don't know the answer look confused and scared.
ER: our EMB ou raise y ", the M E R cher! or e y
*especially 11th volume
k ea The m nd cr y "T acher to as a e t d han ely is the k less li . you SCHOOL
Uses very little of his brainpower for studying (or none at all). Learns very slowly, forgets lightning-fast. By his characteristics, closer to Teacher's Pet than to the Wise Guy. Used for storing irrelevant information: annual sugar-beet harvests, upper atmospheric weather reports, the telephone numbers of all local butchers, etc.
* See also CRAMMER senior, page 38
Convinced that life is too short to waste on knowledge. Always late, never does any homework, uses textbooks to make paper aeroplanes. Regularly forgets: his atlas, PT gear, art supplies, and money for the theatre ticket. Every time his parents are summoned by the principal, some calamity befalls them: they break their legs, divorce each other, or even fall into a coma. Disliked by teachers.
THE PRODIGY Winner of numerous awards at school, regional and nationwide competitions. Besides studying, does manage to go out quite often: on walks with her mother, to the neighbour's with her aunt, to Granny's for lunch with her little sisterâ€Ś (the opposite of the Dunce and Good-for-Nothing)
LONGEST WITHOUT A BOYFRIEND Nerdy sweatshirt
S E R IO
HOW MUCH I LOVE MY STREET COMPETITION 1st place
Has a brain the size of a pea (often the size of an airgun pellet). Has the gaze, mental abilities and behaviour of a codfish, leading to the following nicknames: Stupid, Dummy, Fool, Ass, Bonehead, Goose. Able to get a passing grade only when the teacher is unusually well-disposed (wins the pools or moves into a nice new house).
CITY-WIDE MONOPOLY COMPETITION 1st place
WHAT I KNOW ABOUT TRAFFIC REGIONAL COMPETITION 1st place
STUDENT TYPES CLASSIFI ED BY SCHOOL-BAGS:
Always totes a sports bag with all essential supplies: spare tracksuit, football boots, several balls, two racquets, stopwatch, whistle, flippers, weights and oxygen bottle. Car ries books only when there's room for them (never). His Happiest Day of My Life essay deals with a win by his club, all of whose scor es he knows back into the mid-1920s. A permanent fixture at the sporting fields and halls, has no idea how to find the school library.
SIGNED PHOTO OF DAVID BECKHAM
Goes to school with one large and one small beauty case. Contents: hair shampoo, hair dye, blow-dryer, pressed powder and loose powder, lipstick, nail lacquer, lacquer remover, mascara, make up brush, tweezers, mirrors (ordinary and magnifying), spare panty-hose, selected fashion and society glossies (many pictures, few words). Preparations for field trips are considerably more thorough.
Carries a designer school bag. Textbook and exercise book dust-jackets by the same designer (or an even more famous one). When his father comes back from Tokyo, he'll bring him a wrist watch with a built-in TV, micro player and inflatable laptop computer, costing at least $ 30 645,000 dollars…
IR E D R E Q UA D IN G RE DE 1 GRA IR E D R E Q UA D IN G RE DE 2 R GA IR E D R E Q UA D IN G RE DE 3 GRA IR E D R E Q UA D IN G RE DE 4 GRA IR E D R E QEUA D IN G R A D E 4 re…) G R make su to (just
E ITTL E O F LU A L U S E ACT ITTL E O F LU A L U S U S E ACT ACTUAL E IT T L
EXP EXP E N S IV E ENSIV E
FOR CONTACTING PRIVATE TUTOR
Regularly totes everything needed and everything not needed for every class. Besides text and exercise books, this includes: geographical and historical atlases, dictionaries, grammars, the entire required reading, various maths and physics tables, pens and pencils, brushes, rulers, compasses and calipers, as well as inoculation certificates. Suffers from extreme spinal curvature, a problem compensated for every time the teacher says: "Take out your…" Favourite Latin saying: Omnia mea mecum porto (I carry all my belongings with me). SCHOOL
Carries books in a plastic bag because he lost his bag during last year's holidays. When his nose runs, who needs hankies when you've got sleeves? To be avoided during art class, workshops and when he takes off his shoes. HIS PETS
MOTHER'S PHOTO AND ALBUM OF MUM'S SNAPSHOTS
WASHING POWDER (JUST IN CASE)
EMPTY POCKET (JUST IN CASE)
The left-hand-side pocket contains soap and a towel, the rear pocket toilet paper, the front pocket a toothbrush. His exercise books are exhibited in a showcase in the school hall. Charged for life with inscribing citations and diplomas. Detests the Slob.
HOT DOG FROM LAST MONTH'S GAME FLOWERING HAMBURGER
THE GOOD FOR NOTHING
Has no school bag because he has no books: some he's lost, some thrown away, some burnt. Comes to school only r arely, usually to the next but last period. Spends most of his time in the yar d, seldom bothers to climb the tairs to the classr oom. Always carries with him: a penknife, blowpipe, slingshot, cigarettes and two other good-for-nothings. Major expert in bad language and swear-words. Loves quarrels, fistfights and centrefolds.
OTHER STUDENT T YPES:
Quite convinced that he'll look more mature and experienced if he smokes. To that end, he accepts coughing, nausea, headaches, bad breath and stained fingers. Usually found in the lavatory or behind the bushes. Associates with his ilk. SCHOOL
A student two, three or more times broader that the average student. Sweats, belches, sometimes even breaks wind. Nicknames: the Hog, Porky, the Tub, Blimp, Hippoâ€Ś At war with the PT teacher, in love with the school cook.
SPRAVA ZA TO RTURU
SOURCE OF PAIN
SOURCE OF SUFFERING
Has nothing in common with the other kids. Doesn't even look like a kid (from this planet). Speaks, walks and plays differently from other children. In the absence of like-minded kids, mainly spends time alone. Weirdos exist among teachers, too. Detectable at first sight.
S: NOTICE TO READER
dealt Other student types will be with in the next edition! (The author)
, THE TEACHERS ROOM
A place where nothing grows, except teachers and form registers.
THE FORM REGISTER
Hard-bound, mysterious, inaccessible, illegibly written detailed record of the lives and work of all students (individually and in group form).
Brown, Jen n her homew ifer, on 12th Mar ch d ork, chewed idn't do and breath ed heavily. gum in class, laughed Burgess, N ic of the year, holas, seen once at th e other data unknown. start On 4th Feb r sink in the uary 2002, Four-A b roke the art studio a n balloons at the art teach d thr ew water er.
Kept out of sight of the kids*, but shown to parents with great relish (the worse the record, the bigger the gusto).
*Although there are cases when the Antichrist and the Good-for-Nothing manage to get their hands on it. What they do with them we shan't delve on here, lest we upset the consciences of othersâ€Ś
TEACHERS A TEACHER IS DEFINED AS: (pick he correct definition)
TEACHERS CAN BE DIVIDED INTO TWO BASIC GROUPS:
1. A person who sends kids out for newspapers and breakfast during class. 2. A person students look up to.
1. The kindly one 2. The others
3. A person students are scared of. 4. The subject of his pupils' gossip. 5. A person with whom schoolchildren spend the best days of their youth.
1. THE KINDLY TEACHERS Nowadays, happy, smiling and patient teachers can only be found in pr ofessional literature under the title DODO* teachers. Should you by any chance run across the fossilised remains of a DODO teacher, please contact the publisher:
KREATIVNI CENTAR Gradistanska 8 11000 Belgrade, Yugoslavia WE THANK YOU IN ADVANCE.
* An extinct bird which once lived on the island of Mauritius. Its placid nature made it easy prey to both animal and man, who went on to exterminate the entire species.
2. THE OTHERS
Other teachers are relatively deeply-rooted in schools. They can be classified: - according to the manner of entering the classroom - according to the manner of testing their students' knowledge - by their behaviour
IFIED TEACHERS CLASS E ACCORDING TO TH G RIN MANNER OF ENTE THE CLASSROOM
Always enters in a slouching posture and in a bad mood after losing one of the following: a bet, his wallet with his paycheck, all cr edit cards and IDs, a reason to liveâ€Ś But he makes up for all these losses very quickly : pop quizzes, dictations, harsh penalties. If the Loser ever does get anything, it can only be the flu, a beating or the sack.
Throws the Form Register on his desk straight from the door. The terrifying BANG is followed by terrifying questions: "Who hasn't been graded yet?" "Who erased the blackboard?" "Who hasn't done their homework?" "Who's absent" and similar. This type of teacher provokes little sympathy but major fear.