All Those Knights & Pages. Volume 1
October 2004 You ask yourself, am I crazy? It's 8:08pm on a Saturday night, and where are you? You are sitting in a Jewel parking lot, on a curb. Completely alone. Your parents think you're at a concert that if you werent such a nice person you'd also be at right now. Your other friends are at your school's homecoming dance and youre waiting till 10:30 for them to get out. Somehow I didnt picture myself here. The last two days have been off. It's October. October second actually. That's why is so damn cold. And you wanna kick yourself for wearing only 2 shirts and a scarf. I'd kill for my sweatshirt right now. okay--my last two days. Yesterday I woke up knowing I was going to have a messed up day. I got to school and almost nothing could really cheer me up except for the fact that I was going to see bob afterwards. I wrote beth a letter in Western Civ and went way out of my way to try and get it to her. On my way towards her locker I saw tom and he gave me a hug, picked me up and half carried me down the hall, and then I ran to class. It's been annoying lately since when I write to beth, she never writes back and I dont think she gives two fucks. After school because im too nice I offered to take the bus alone since matt and brian wanted to go to the skate park. Stop being nice. Beth and I sat in my kitchen just eating random food and talking. In the midst of it all I texted bob once and called twice. The two times I called I got voicemail. I hate voicemail. I hate voicemail. My mom and Pat came home so we left to go on a walk and have cigarettes. We found an alley with grass and old lawnchairs put out for garbage and claimed it our own. I tried calling bob 2 more times but then got a message saying that "This phone is not accepting incoming calls..." riiighhttt...So on to County Fair for taco dip. Picked matt up from work (he quit today actually) then aimlessly walked around more. I got so pissed at myself though, cause of the cigarettes. I remembered how bob hates when I smoke. So I stopped. Then, after my sixth attempt trying to reach my boyfriend, matt called mike. Guess what, him and bob were at Wendy's in orland. He was the one who wanted to do something Friday but now him and mike "ehh, dont want to drive anywhere tonight." and blew us off. fuck that. I grabbed another cigarette instantously then walked home in the now pouring rain. When I got home I wanted to peel off my clothes and melt away in a bath. My green world. but instead I retreated to the computer and open up a package in the mail. My first record. Jets to brazil, tom, crap. I forgot. After school, before taking the bus I saw him again at the white hen. While talking, all I wanted to do was spend more time with him. Why is it that I cant get someone to notice me, but when I can they end up ditching me. I tried talking to beth about it but all she said was "ah, not again." Eyes roll. Disappointed-And you wonder why I dont tell you things. I actually dont want to talk about it too much right now or my head will explode and my brains will freeze to the cement in front of me. So all in all last night sucked. Then the dream- I had a dream that I was in Michigan, at my cottage but outside in the front. They was a bunch of people there that I disliked then Tony. Tony was a hitman and was supposed to kill someone. Then everything got quiet, I moved towards everyone crowding around a body. The looks they gave me assured me that I was about to be very upset. Turns out he hit the wrong
person and tom was laying mangled on the ground. I was freaking out. The horror and sadness felt more real then any other emotion Ive had in real life. It scared me when I woke up how upset I was. When I awoke it was only 7:30ish so I listened to murder by death till 9:30. I started to fall back to sleep then (transform into today) my mom walks into our room and wakes me up with a loud pound on the door. WAM! she smacks me across the face. "your english teacher called-she's worried you might be failing??" "are you kidding" -Im genuinely shocked, trying to stop myself from 'what theee fuuuucckkk- She stomped out screaming down the hallway "No im not kidding, and youre fucking grounded!" Two strikes. She worked me all day with errands and chores. Screaming the entire time. Pat was gone till 3pm for work and she said she needed to "get away from me" so once again, left in my room alone on the floor for extended amounts of time. This is what my life consists of. Since I had told my mom prior about this concert she assumed I already bought tickets. Therefore tonight was my 'last night out' since she said itd be a waste of money. But we hadnt bought the tickets. The plan was to buy them off someone there. I break the silence in my house and call beth to confirm. "I dont know now..if we both go theyre less of a chance of us getting in." "How?" "Well if we only find one ticket I wouldnt go in without you. Therefore we both miss out." "I just wont go then." Stop being nice. "Really? Cause I really want to see them and brians picking up at......" I dont even care. Really I dont. I was on the phone for another 20min and couldnt tell you a thing she said. She knew I couldnt go out after tonight. I still went out, I wasnt going to lose my last night just because of shitty situations. At 6:45 I told my mom I was leaving for the concert. I walked out the door, and thought-shit, I have 4 hours to waste. walked to 102nd, stopped, tried to think of what bus to take, then thought- Whats the best way to kill 4 hours? I took out my ipod, turned myself around, and began walking all the way to Marist. First stopOsco. Coffee, film and a lunchable. Second stopWalgreens to get this notebook and two pencils (which i thought were pens) so... Third stopDominicks, for this pen. I was tired of walking and it was gettin dark so I made camp in the parking lot to wait till 9:30. then go to dunkin donuts and sit there, praying that it is a sit down. it's 10min to 9pm and im so fucking cold. So fuck it. Im walking there in two seconds- all I can say is, I better get a fucking hug from tom tonight if/when I see him. okay--relocating. 8:51pm
9:20pm Yeah the minute I got up and started walking again, I couldnt keep my balance. I was uncontrollably shaking and forgot my shoes were a size too small. The old blisters opened back up, so they kill and I couldnt walk without stumbling. I think the lady in the blockbuster parking lot thought I was drunk. Worst walk ever to dunkin donuts. I got there and shit, it was only a drive-thru. I couldnt sit inside but still got a medium coffee. The guy working there asked me a couple casual questions, "Youre walking in this weather?" "How long?" "where are you going?" I just told him two blocks since I cant imagine the reaction of- "oh about 4 miles." Then, as he was making my coffee I knew he was going to ask where I was coming from. "Where are you comin from?" damnit. I said a friends. "wheres that?" I quickly thought up keeler street? Why the heck is he asking so many questions. I was flustered and ended up saying something like..I dont really know where I am hah (joking) but he responded with a "wwwhhhhaaaa? you dont know WHERE you are?" "no no no, im not lost or anything. i just dont live around here." So now im in front of Chubby's Redhots about four blocks from Marist. Whatd you do tonight? Well I walked to school, stopping at jewel osco, walgreens, dominicks and a dunkin donuts on the way. I also found various benches and curbs to sit and write at. And looked like a crazy person. I definitely would not have been able to do all this if I didnt have my ipod, this notebook and shoes at easily convert into slip-ons. Whoa that crazy uncontrollable cold fridget shake is coming back. Im writing chicken scratch again. fuck. its only 9:30. theyve got almost an hour left. shit shit shit hold on, relocating again. okay now im on the grass next to the bench hah. I figured Id rather get closer to the ground and away from the wild a little. fuck. I cant even think of anything to write about. Okay. Thats a lie (someones walking by..i dont think they notice me) Yeah so matt (flordia) has been extra odd lately. He says hes seeing and hearing things in his room at night. I offered the suggestion halfheartedly that it might be ghosts. He said nah, he doesnt believe in that enough. Ghosts never choose non-believers. Because if people claim to see ghosts, they must believe in them, hence the theory. People always say that reading and writing passes time better then watching t.v. Bullshit. I dont watch t.v. really but this could have been a season & premiere by now, and id be warm and cozy at home. But for some reason im not too upset with my choice. I wouldve been more upset if I didnt do anything tonight.
Plus its nice to know I have a 70percent chance of seeing him tonight. Just certain peoples scents make you feel good. 9:45 time checkanyways if i could only get that same smell I got the other day- with my head against his shoulder, id be happy. When he slept over at matts (i told beth this before and I still laugh at myself for it) I ran into the basement to grab my bag while everyone waited outside. Next to my bag was his sweater. In one quick motion- I grabbed it, and took in the scent of it then realized how absolutely fucking creepy it was- and threw it back down. Now let me explain that I know thats super weird..but that cologne, or whatever smelled so good. Okay the dance is over at 11, but they let people out at 10:30 right? RIGHT? I really hope so. Reeeeallly hope so. Because at 10:20 im going to hang out inthe parking lot like the flaming loser I am. 10:08pm- time check. Just stared off and listened to music for about 15minutes. Fuck, of course everyones not picking up their phones. I really dont want to sit outside Marist but I gotta start walking soon. 10more minutes. ten goddamn minutes. cmon cmon, Wow. im a wreak I just realized how much I wrote. love it. hate it. gah. Okay I decided to write one more page. this side- then the next and im done. cause theres only one more cursive song left on this list too, so Ill have more of a reason to stand up and change it. AH MY HOODIE WHERE ARE YOU. hanging all nice between my other clothes, warm. I cant feel my toes. sierra. Im ready to settle down now. I could be over sweaty and over heated at a concert right now. I could be in my room reading write now. last page (i hope) for the night. My words dont look like words and are taking up TOO much space, cant stop shaking. chicken scratch usa. SHIT I cant do this anymore. bye 3/4 moon. bye grass and curb next to chubby's. Redhots owner just walked out, is staring at me and walking towards me. leaving now.---10:16pm
Oct 3, 5:26pm I really like that click sound my joints make when I make the motion of "gun pointed to head" PAOW! yeah so, after I left Chubby's, I got to Marist. I saw sophomore(now junior) mike outside the doors. "Hey no concert?" I just said "eh..no tickets." dont feel like writing anymore.
(no date) following entryit can all change in a single night. the best possible solution always seem flight. If i could fly, Id get the hell out. If i could disappear, id get the fuck away. But i cant, so ill keep writing my thought. My pen, my hands run away from the words as they come pouring out. With manic disbelief that when the line finally ends, it all goes write back again.
Oct 10, 2004 Today my teacher called me "musical". Flattery isnt a sin, I hope. Because I know Ive been able to sit down and say- "wow, youre a decent person. And I think I like who we've become." then polar opposite times I bash myself silly, claiming the title of stupid, young and worthless.
THESIS STATEMENT REGARDING: We are brought into the world by our parents. We are meant to live meaningful lives and make the most until the day we die. Then end of story. But some people make a difference. They write, they draw, they make something beautiful. They give back to the world or humanity in some way. but for the 6,000trillion others, everything seems a waste. and no matter what you seem to do, nothing sets you aside. Take your entire school, fuck, even your entire neighborhood, and only maybe a lucky 3 will ever make it into some sort of history. Not basketball, sport/town related history. Somedays I get those spurts of energy that make me want to write a book, a song, a poem, a thesis, a paper or anything really. Anything to set me aside a little more then everyone else. Just a little. Not history caliber, just..Example: take the girl sitting next to me in religion class. I want it to be that when put on a scale, I tip it. No, im not fat, ha ha, please people, seriously. I was to feel accomplishment. I was to fill the vast void of being. I want to be useful. I want to do whatever I was born to do. I want to feel whole. I want to, feel.
Oct 15 1st period class. "Im half asleep, half in a frenzy." I finished writing a poem last night for English. Its okay I guess but I missed lunch since I had to type it. Im writing with the same pen. I feel like I ripped it off by falling asleep without using it last night, and that Ive grow used to it over the last couple days. Im grounded again. Four day weekend and i grounded. Kiiinnnda sucks, yeah, it does. I couldnt care less about today since its cold and rainy, but beth matt and ect are going to a movie. Then saturday and sunday is kev's, and im missing it because im grounded? again. I really want to watch Eternal Sunshine tonight. I hear its good. Spanish test, geometry test, homework, spanish test, homework, english, homework, tuesday fitness room. fifteen minutes left in class. I dont want to go to webpage. Wrong. Ah this pen is turning on me. it spills ink out at the end of each line. right and left, to and fro, todays no different. this is wasting away. writing to myself in the middle of class. this is me going blank. This is me wanting to cry but not being able to. this is my 5 hours over slept but still nodding off. my eyes feel so heavy and I keep writing BLAHblabhblahblah. Oct 15th 2004 6th period class. Im so hungry. I owe brian money. I need that book. Gah- I had one of those crazy day dreams last night. Its usually when im brushing my teeth in the bathroom. It always is supposed to end with guy realizing his undying love for the girl. but this one, it was different. it was more like, guy realizes hes a big asshole to me, becomes my friend, then realizes his undying love for me hah. god thats pathetic. When i was younger I used to write in a diary all the time. Everytime I wrote in it, it was never my life. It was what i thought my life should be like. ten years old and imworking on a fiction. I dont think id classify this as a diary. more like, personal notes to myself regarding my life. or my mirror. the words dont change, this is me just channeling my mind. Im becoming a contradiction. Id show a complete stranger this or actually, let me start over. If this was lost and come into somenone I knows hands, I wouldnt care. I would never purposely give someone my feelings, or maybe im just too scare to. I would like to, but cant. So i pretend I dont want to. Im having a bad day, cried last night, am about to know things i dont want to, dads not doing well, moms killing me, everything is falling apart. but i pulled it off without a word. Im forwards towards people but only with things regarding them, not things regarding me. I'll be like, hey do you have a girlfriend the first time I met bob but would never be like, hey whats up, heres my feelings. oh, lunch.
Oct 17 1:14am Sundays are such a drag. Not to mention the tons of blood pouring from me. Mouth is bleeding. Sundays are a drag. Complete. work. clean. chores. nothing. Wait for night. nothing. sleep. I wish i could leave my house tomorrow, gah, tired. bad pen. crazy mom. goodnight Oct 18 5:41pm I feel like ive changed so much, but not really. im still alone. Every friend, family or boyfriend couldnt make a difference. Im still writing to myself and when I dont write its because someone is listening, but only for a brief amount of time. Im writing words that are completely dead. No sound. No life. Its like throwing rocks into a bottomless pit and expecting a sound. Im writing silent words on dead trees-for no one to see yes thats me, me! This is a teenager. This is me. Still that little shy girl with no dad, that big empty house and countless nights alone in my room, spending my time doing god knows what. That is me.
First volume of All Those Knights & Pages.