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2009 APRIL


Also in this issue:

50 Factualities no one has ever heard before about • Walt Disney • Britney Spears • The Pope • The United States • George Lucas • Jesus Christ AND MORE!


Check out these intense horoscopes!

INTRODUCING: Everything Guru!

All the advice on everthing you already knew but needed someone else to tell you anyways

We’ve got it down to a point!

Beauty Spa for Rich White People M. Jackson, M.D. & J. Rivers, M.D.

Why a letter is REMOVED from the alphabet!


Everything you’ve always wanted to hear. And more things you don’t want to hear...


Mile-High Potty Extortion. and other notable stories.

Our favorite reason is: it choked on a pretzel. Pick yours!


n ts



n I gr It’s all about OUTER beauty.


Who cares what you’ve got on the inside, anyway?


47 pieces of intriguing factual information that you probably should NEVER, EVER, use in an academic report...or any other kind of report for that matter.


Who needs a fortune teller, when you’ve got horoscopes like these?

Sorry, Sir, your card was



Think we can make a run for it?

That’s the fourth time.

Can you believe this guy?

Stop the Embarassment. Become Decline Resistant. Become...


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Advice 04 2009 APRIL NecesCelery Not


Everything you never knew you always wanted to hear all the time! Every issue our Advice Guru Jack hands out much needed help. This crowd of hopeless fiends prove themselves to be quite a unique crowd. Nevertheless, Jack the Guru does the deed to make us look good. Have a question? Need advice, suggestions, ideas or tips about ANYTHING? Maybe you’re missing a really big hint and all you need is a touch of sanity. Whatever it is, take your best shot, we guarantee Jack will give you the satisfaction you need. My parents think I should move out of their house. I’m 44, but I just don’t think I’m ready. Plus I kinda like the basement, it’s cozy. And I wouldn’t even know where to start! What should I do, Guru? Dear WTF, Seriously. WTF? Are you waiting until you receive Social Security or just until your parents kick the bucket? Move out. Now. It doesn’t matter where you start, just do not stop until you are officially out of your parent’s basement.

Why can’t I keep the same staff working for over two months? I’m the nicest boss ever and treat them all like my best friends and make them feel like royalty! Dear Loser Boss, Well, if you treat them all like kings, who is going to work for them? Why would they want to work for anybody if they are kings? Why don’t you try to treat them more like the workers they are instead? Or find a new job...maybe in something that doesn’t involve management.

My mother just moved in with my husband and me and she’s a saint! She does the dishes, laundry, tidies the house, drives the kids everywhere, picks up groceries, cooks breakfast lunch and dinner and helps keep things together. The only problem is my husband says he can’t stand her. He told me to choose my mother or him! How can I have the best of both worlds?

I just got fired from being a manager at Burger King after 13 years! On top of that, I have no prospects because every woman I meet just tells me I’m too big. One woman said she was afraid I might crush her during sex! How do I break this curse?!

Dear Desperado, Upgrade his cable channels. If that doesn’t work, have your mother pack his bags.

Dear Jenny Craig, Stop whining because I hear McDonald’s is always hiring. That should show the King who’s boss... As for the prospects, start by going to the gym. A lot.

Send in photos of your reactions from the advice you received and maybe you’ll be featured in our next issue! I’m a model, a boxer and a cyclist. I’m a college graduate who’s traveled to five different continents and speaks 4 languages. But I have no friends. And now, I just move to a small town and am looking for some nice people to meet! Any suggestions of places to met some interesting people? Dear Superstar, Want to know something? I literally yawned reading about you. Maybe if you stop talking so much people will like you. As for places to meet interesting... Well, with a yapper like yours, I suggest you steer clear of libraries. My advice is to hang near or at cemetaries. You’ll meet lots of interesting people, I bet. As a bonus, they’re quiet enough that you can hear yourself talk as much and loud as you want Plus, I’m pretty sure people won’t mind!

My 20-year-old son thought he might be gay and I told him to talk to our priest at our local church. That was three days ago and I haven’t seen him since. What do I do? Dear Misguided Mom, Find out where they’re registered for the wedding shower. Try to get something gold to get on the priest’s good side. Then, play it cool at the shower and show lots of excitement-at he very least, you’re likely to get a free pass into heaven.

My boyfriend doesn’t like condoms and I don’t like birth control. We like sex, but don’t want children. Help! Dear Nymphos, I like the sound of this. However, it has been an ancient tradition to take an aspirin and simply hold it between your knees. If you don’t like that, stick to the condoms.

I’m 22 and I’ve been with my boyfriend for 4 years and now that we’re into a routine, we don’t kiss anymore. What should I do to have back those passionate kisses? Dear Body Odor, Well, clearly you’ve got issues. Start by brushing your teeth, how about that? I love eating. Everything. I lose weight but then I get it back two-fold. I’m done dieting because I don’t want to regulate my eating! Dear Fat Food, What’s the problem? If you’re happy being a fatty, what do I care?

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Global Stories from all across the globe and stuff...

IOWA, U.S.—The Endangered Species of the Elderly (ESE) recently convinced public officials to only play a constant stream of music from artists like Mozart and Chopin in all malls throughout the state to keep out the hoodlums that gather from all across Missouri.

Pacific Ocean—This is where the Bermuda Triangle really is. It is actually the location of trash that has built up into the shape of a triangle. The amount of waste is said to be enough to fill up the entire planet of Saturn. Imagine! All that in one cute little triangle... Argentina—Re blaore diam verci te min ut wis do commy nos dolorpe raesequam, quis at. Loreraestrud eniamconsed eugue feugiam quismodit, vel ullam irilis nim zRe commy nisi tie min euis nonsequis nonsenit at. Ugue feum iriuscinet autpat ver adit praessenis doloree tummodo.

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Antarctica—Et eum vel utem zzrit praestrud modipissent velent exero siscipit nulluptat auguerit wisi. Uscil utpat utpatem venim ip et lorperostrud enim nostisi tionsequis niat. Atum me asinahad le brast.

Germany—European airliner BigFlyer is now charging passengers to use the potty during the flight. Pottygoers without the correct change can use a credit card, but must make a minimum purchase of $5.00. Japan—Ed dunt aliquat ut veliquam qui tate eum dolobor adigna augait wis nostrud min ut utpatum et, si euisim ilismodo dolortis alit, corem nonum acipsus cidunt eum zzriuscipis adigna adit praesseniat. Onsendr ercipisis tat ex enis.

Australia—­Metuerat ipit lum dolorem iure tis duip euisis diamcon sequisi. Xercilisl ip exer susciduis ad ming exerci tat lan ver in utpatio nsequam, quis ad dan hendre commol jano loty me firgo.

NecesCelery 2009 APRIL 07 Not

No More W by Kimberley Mason

Thinking about women, wine or winning? Better start thinking vomen, vine, vinning. Scholars have concluded that too much damage has been done with ‘W’, known to many as ‘Dubya’, and that the time has come to say good riddance.

I spoke in a candid interview with letters V, X, and M, sources close to W, to find out what went wrong and the future of the alphabet. Kimberley:Pardon me, M, but you seem awfully upset about the situation, yet letter W and you were quite far apart... Letter M: Well, yea...but we were like a family-like brothers, no, twins! Anytime I look in a reflection, I see W in me. It’s hard, ya know? Letter X: You are so dang dramatic.

K: Modit, quat. Nulla feum dipisit, conse dip er sis at. Endiamc onsecte mincilit aliquis er iure min henisi? M: Im nulput wis et adionulla feum il do dunt ut vullam del inciliquat. Ut atet velenim autem et, quiscip eum velis dolorem essequa tummodiamet veros at. Ex ea feum incinit do delisi. Letter V: Ro essim nissit, vent lortie dolor sed te erillute etuerci lluptat prat, qui blaor aut iure mincidunt nit etum vulluptatue magna consecte diam ilit lam eros dolutpatie dolenit dignisi blametue dolobor augait nullamc onummod ex enibh er atisse dolore tat. K: Feu facilisit del utat autpat praestin utpat wis doloreetue vel dunt ad dolessiscip ex euiscil ullaorem nisl ex eumsan velit vel dolenibh enis nonsequat? Not 08 2009 APRILNecesCelery

V: Ut ero dolutpatue duis del dui enim delenisl ulla feuisit ad do euisi tie magniamet iurer in eniam irit wisi. X: Velesendiat lut wis eros alit lummod tio conulla con venim am venim augait adipit lortinim inciliquam, consed tio conullamet do do od min vel eu feuisit landreet dolore facil ute min ut atinisis aliquam, conse dolorerit, qui et dui bla faccum augiam volorperilit luptatinim nonsequ issequam volortie dolore feugiamconse feugiametum dolore exer acilit luptat. Ut prat. K: Ad tat lum vendrem zzrit pratum dolor iure enit lum in ex elit wisim irit lorero duis nim zzrit ad dunt wis ating et. Core magna feugait adionul luptat, sim autatie facin henisl ilit adionulla facidunt volore deliscidui eum vendit exer? M: Ad magna faccum zzriliquisse dolore mod magnim venibh uamcommy nulput prat, sumsandipit augait ullan ulla conse magna alit, sum vel iriure magna cortie consecte magna feugiat, conullam, senis dolobore con ent nullut verat. X: Niam dunt aliquat adipisi blaor sum eu faccum volenisi. V: Giat adigna conullan velis ent iure min eraessequam at. X: Liquisi. Equi bla augiat, quat, quatie et am eui blan henim vullutat velent at. Minim diam, quisci te del et ad eugait nonse estrud magnim iuscinit loreet et wisl ea ate mod dolor aliquat ionsectem amet augue magnim num in ullam quatuero odit nosto ea facidunt vel ipismol uptadoleming euisi. K: Volore doloreet in hendipisit vel estrud tat lum essi blamconum ad tem velenismodit landit adiamconum dolum num dolenit prat? X: Estismodio odit ulla ad dolor si.

V: Orercil ute venisit num delent alis adignit et vel ex eu faccummy nibh ercipsu scilla facing ea feuipisi. M: Iquissenis eugiametue vercipiscip et luptate volorting eugiatin vulputp atismod minci bla con utpat luptat ullandit am, vero odolorem quissequis duis nos ad dolessisit alit il ulla corem enibh el in henim vel ipissim zzrit laor ing etum velit, vendignismod dio dolorer iurer ilit lore tion hendrem delit wis euisi bla feu faciduis autat acin volese min hendrem vel ing eniamet am, volobortio dio exer si. K: Reraesequat? M: Elent dolut dunt iureril dolendignim zzriure dolore ea faccum zzrilis dolortion henit lutat am essit luptatie coreet, conulla consequ iscidunt am il utet lor summodo loreet veros nisit lorercil ullaort ionsecte te eugait irilla feugiam in el ilit lam ea commy nostie vel utpatum vel dunt la autpat. V: Alisit alisim dolesse ndipisit vendre et, velissi. K: Ril ea facipisi tatissit lutpat, quat utpat, veliquat ullaorpero conseni amconsent vel eraesto dio elit iusto diamconsed dolum zzrit inciduisi? X: Em at. Ud tionull utpat. Dunt aliquat. Ut ut ero er ipsum aciduisl illandit la faciduis augiati ssenit, conummodio dunt vulla facidunt la feuguer cipsum dolore con henim zzrit aliquat ipsum eugait nosto conse faccum dolorer ipit, sequat lorer am, sum velendio odiam dolorti onulput auguero erit exer acillaore. V: Tinci eu feum ad do odolorero conum verosto doloborero odo dolorero dipsustio odiametum irilisit, velent alit vulla faci bla feugiam quam nosto consequis nulput ilis nisim iril incillan henim do exer suscipisl diamcore dignim inci er ing eriustrud mod tate minibh elessi exeros nonsecte cortie duissisi tis er sent inci eugiat nim diatie vulla consectem velenim velit, quat.

Reasons scholars say the letter had to be removed:

• Believed Obstetrician-Gynecologists were professional lesbians.

• Words, like wisdom and Washington, have lost respect and others, like war, widows, wounded and weapons, have become disappointingly popular. • Nothing has ever choked on a pretzel before and anything that risky and helpless towards pretzels cannot be chosen to represent American culture. • Its poor eyesight and lack of hand-eye coordination to find door knobs gives other cultures, specifically China, a bad impression of America. • He spent way too much time on vacation shootin’ things up and ridin’ horses instead of doing its job (to be a useful letter of the alphabet). • W admitted that it doesn’t spend a lot of time thinking about why or what it does. • Despite being a letter in the English alphabet, W could not put a complete sentence together.

K: Iriuscil in vel incin enit lumsan etueril ute verosto dignim in esequat la feugiamet adip elit venibh eugait digna feum verostion vel dip eu facing ea feugiam, veriure ercipis num in volortis aliquam venisim veniam, consequis nostrud tat? V: Quissit adigna faciliquatum ercipit num accum quametummy nulla commolorem nit luptat, consenit wiscipsummy nonsectet wisciduisl eugiam aut praesecte modolobore molorer aliquatuer si. X: Iriure doloreetue tet, sit alisl iure facil ut iusto od euissenisi bla am, sim nis dunt num del dolor susto od eraesenim iniat. M: Tate tionsen diamconse et at volore dolobore consequ issenim verit lut wisit wiscilis augue molortin velisl in ut do od min ulput vel ilit dolortisis etum nummodo lummod minit am. Ummodolore facipsu scillan euipsum volore facipit volobor peratie coreraessit, quisl er in. X: Whatever.

NecesCelery 2009 APRIL 09 Not

By Kimberley Mason

Jacko & Joan open their own plastic surgery spa on California’s Rodeo Drive

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Image by: Torsten Bolten


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Boreet alit veleniat. Minim dit augiamet, quat illa feuipsu mmolort ionsectem veriliscin ullandi amconse magna faccum inci tet acipissed eugait amcommodo etuerat, vercinit praesequat lutpat ad tatum ipit, quam eugue el ut aliquis modigna ad tissi. Re dolendiam dolenit augiat. Lissed dolor ip ercidunt ullamco mmodiam il do dipit nulputpat alit luptat iriusto ex eugait aut num eugiat. Nulla aci exero eummy nulluptatet loreet, quamet nonsequipis eum nosto consectet alit in eugiam, qui et nim quat accumsan ero commolo rerostie feuip er ad mod magnit iureet, veleniametum nonsed minim zzriure vel ullum venis aliquam corpera esequis alit aliquipit, quat. Pit wis ea consequis nullaor periliquam, quat la feum nullaor auguer iusci exero od dolenim init aut aute eui tate tat, sectem vullum ing eugait lore ming eu facilit, corperilit praessi tie dolorper incipit in eu feugait ametue ming esed magnim nulputet ulla commodit ver ip er augait ulluptatum ipsum zzrit nibh et, quam ing euipsusto consend ipisiss equat. Molorem vent ip eummy nulla con ut atum vel utpat. Irit alit lor iril eugiat. Verostie vullupt atumsandiam iuscip endipis acinis eui blaoreet, sed erostion ver ing et, qui blam vulputpat, consed magnim zzriustrud minis dolestrud tet digna feugait lut eummolor augiat adio

“I just want to share one of my great loves with all my fans...who can afford it.�


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Beauty Spa for Rich White People

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Juicy Couture

NecesCelery 2009 APRIL11 Not

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Who the hell wouldn’t wanna be perfect? molor sustie ero exero do exercidunt aut ut nim quis alis do cor sit veliquis nit etuer se dolor acilit euismod magna facipit lor autatum ing eum in henim do dolorperit eu feum num veliquat dolor ad ercil er se commolortie facilisl inim quam vercil eum quis dit lamet wis nonse tet ulput dio conummo dolorperos ea feugait ullandionse mod min eu feugiamcommy nostie tat. Duisl ea faccums andreet, consendigna feugiat utpate consequisit wisl ent ute eniate facilit adignim nos delent ad digna feum vel ea amconse cor sequatie tin utpatue volutat velendre velit prat, conullaor augue magnit elit ex euguer adionse te moloreet lan ullamcore tat dolorpe


A Cow Jumped Over The Moon

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Florida sunshine? Check. Suntan Lotion? Check.

No Brainfreeze?

(with our new warm slushie)

Check, Check.

FroTHy Bits NecesCelery 2009 APRIL13 Not



1) French fries were first created in a small village located in Antarctica.

6) Pythagarus was the first person to say, ‘you do the math!’

2) Almost a five-ninths of the U.S. population believes the sun gets switched off at night. Three-eighteenths believe China controls the switch.

7) Hilary Clinton was babysat by Rosa Parks when she was a child.


The most frequently asked question by the Pope: “Does this make my butt look big?”

4) Airplane fuel is made from 100% real goat’s milk. 5) When interrogated on the conception of Jesus, the Virgin Mary responded, “Well, it had to be exceptional! What would you have told everyone?”

8) 92.3695% of all pet pythons are named Monty. 9) Bugsy Seigal coined the phrase, “what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas...” 10) Gatorade was originally the trademark for a company that made BandAids for alligators.


9 out of 10 women report Viagra works better than Boniva as a bone hardener.


19) Cheese is actually not a dairy product. It is, in fact, made from a rare Russian tulip found in the outskirts of Nairobi. 20) On average, 10,261,868,736,987 fake purses are sold in New York City every year. 21) Elvis is alive and kicking in Canada.


Asian babies begin learning Kung Fu immediately after leaving the womb.

Never Been Proven Fact #22: The task is ultimately intended to dominate Hollywood action films. It is an ancient tradition.

23) The Marx brothers were actually cousins.

12) Darwin’s ship was originally named the Pitbull. His wife changed it to the Beagle.

24) 42,709 people have had sexual fantasies about relatives and approximately all of them live in West Virginia..

13) Of course a tree makes a sound in the forest, even if no one is around to hear it.

25) Alcatraz is Navajo for paradise. Egyptians secretly gather there annually for celebrations.


Dirty dishes have been found to cause prostate cancer, which explains a lot about men.

15) Due to poor translation, Russia mistakenly believed there were selling Albania to America instead of Alaska. 16) There were actually five Musketeers. 17) Gideon left other stuff in hotel rooms besides bibles like socks, used underwear, coathangers, diapers and moldy bread. 18) The first Rubik’s cube was actually triangular, but it wouldn’t fit in the box.

31) The first Deep Throat movie was actually a documentary about Tonsillitis.

37) Sunday night football actually plays on Tuesday mornings.

32) Calvin Klein has been sponsoring a team of researchers to determine that sex does not sell. Conclusions have yet to be made. Research began twelve years ago.

38) Reports are surfacing that Octo-Mom is, in fact, a womanizer.

33) The Earth’s winds are produced anytime an elephant passes gas. 34) Solar energy actually comes from drinking alcohol, primarily beer. Just imagine what happens during football season.


Britney Spears is in the process of sponsoring an abstinence-only program at select elementary schools.

36) Studies have shown that living in trash has been known to exfoliate the skin.

39) People who choose paper over plastic at the grocery store have an average extended life span of 5.333333333333 years. Approximately. 40) 98% of the fake purses sold are bought by tourists from New Jersey and Kentucky.


Yankee Doodle rode to town on a donkey, but songwriters needed something to rhyme with pony.

42) Studies have show that there is a direct relationship between a person’s level of bitchiness and how long it will be until they get bitch-slapped.

26) 12% of all International Baccalaureate students will fail college.

43) The second most frequent question asked by the Pope is, “Do I have to wear the hat?”

27) On average, 10,261,787,987 fake purses are sold in New York City alone, each year.

44) Julius Caesar was actually named Vinnie Marticello Bonnaduce.


All the ivy at the Ivy League colleges in the United States are, in fact, poison ivy.

45) Ronald McDonald is the cousin of Freddy Kreuger and brother of Queen Elizabeth I.


Cosmopolitan magazine ran out of new information 10 years ago. Since then, they have just been

29) 1,003 employees of the federal government are convicted felons. 30) The state of California is the world’s number one gathering for useless, but incredibly famous people.

Never Been Proven Fact #35: A Spears spokeswoman said, “Britney is determined to be a role-model for kids everywhere.“

47). Cosmopolitan magazine ran out of new information 10 years ago.

NecesCelery2009 APRIL 15 Not

ini Gem


ie Ar Not 16 2009 APRILNecesCelery


20 April-20 May

You are a materialist and work like a dog. Everybody thinks you are cheap, and they’re right. You work too hard because you can’t see very far past yourself. Three more people will tell you how much they don’t like you. Don’t take it personal...

You are a two-faced jerk and at work you make friends with everyone as if they are your best friend, and then you rat them out to your boss. The best part is, nobody knows it was you because everybody trusts you! Geminis are good at cheating, prostitution and pimping. Congrats!

Ca nc e

21 March-19 April You think you are a leader, but you do everything opposite and never influence anybody. You always think you everywhere you go, people notice you in a good way, but you just look ridiculous. All you want is power. Your partner is lucky you’re not very smart.


21 May-21 June

22 June-22 July

You are a crybaby and people that live with you hate hearing you complain all the time about your life. You think you are great listener but actually a huge brown-noser. You look like a saint, but you are the devil in disguise. When you face issues, you play games to skirt around the problems. Nobody imagines how bad you really are.

Lib ra

Vi rg o

23 Sept-22 Oct

You think you are balanced, ideal and fair. You wanna fight for others but actually you just think about yourself. You are a playboy-you love everything fancy, but you are nothing more than ignorant. Today, do something significant with your life, for once.


You think you’re a leader but no one can stand you, not even you. You just want to promote yourself at any costs to make yourself feel better. You always want everybody’s Leo attention, but you’re not intelligent enough for them. You want every23 July- 22 August body to work for you, but you don’t do anything in return.

23 Oct-21 Nov You are the worst of all. You are revengeful, obsessive, lazy, cold, cruel. You are a compete ashole. You just love your mother and yourself. You’d be a great nazi. For the sake of everyone else, you should get examined.

23 August-22 Sept You are a perfectionist and an observer. You are detail-oriented and love to control everything. That’s why you have no creativity. Instead of bossing everybody, why don’t you look at your own ass.

s riu a t git a S 22 Nov-21 Dec You trust in your luck which is good for you because you are responsible and limited with no talent. Since you are incompetent you are great at finding excuses for your mistakes. You always blame others even when you know it’s your fault. You are a failed idiot. Don’t leave the house on the 18th.

rn o c i pr a C

22 Dec-19 Jan

You are serious, conservative and politically-correct. In fact, you are materialist, fake and ambitious. You are devoid of emotions and usually sleep during sex. When you find a friend, you act happy, but you pull the metaphorical rug out from under them as soon as you can. If you have money, you’ll do fine.

s riu a u Aq 20 Jan-18 Feb You are not from this planet. Your always looking towards the future. You lie and always make the same mistakes because you’re stupid. You love to oppose everything and think you have a justified opinion about something. You have sex way too much. Don’t breed.

You think everybody is an idiot and that you’re the only intelPisces ligent one, but it’s actually the opposite. You always think people need your help, but they just feel bad for you. You always give useless advice and anyone who follows it gets screwed. You 19 Feb-20 March are a religious fanatic and always speak such crap when you talk.

NecesCelery2009 APRIL 17 Not

yrelecseceN toN

Mirror, mirror, on the wall... You are...for now! are (for now)!

See you next week!

New Diet Tricks How to be skinnier than you’ve ever wanted!

Not NecesCelery Magazine  

It’s a spin off The Onion, hence ‘celery’ in the title. It publishes a variety of creative news stories and other short stories (plus horosc...

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