Rutabaga September 2010 HIGHLIGHTS
“ALL THE NEWS THAT’S FIT TO SLICE, DICE OR MASH”
Depp As Dr. Houghton? Famous Actor May Portray Famous Explorer
New Guest Columnist Stops Watching FootIs Johnny Depp coming to the ball Long Enough To Keweenaw? According to an Write About Watching anonymous insider source, Football Page 5
We Need Your Funny Stuff Page 2 INSIDE SPORTS Yooper-versity of Michigan Snow Scoop Team Scraping Through Fall Practices PAGE 9
MONEY Hot Stocks of Local Interest: Quincy Mining Company; Bosch Beer; Calumet and Lac LaBelle Railroad PAGE 10
SCIENCE New Study Finds Newspaper Editors Are Somewhat Sadistic PAGE 11
INDEX Front.....................Page 1 Middle..............Pages 2-7 Back.....................Page 8
DA WEDDER SEPTEMBER Yah, you waited too WEATHER long to paint the porch floor again this year, ya big dummy! RAIN, duh! EARLY OCTOBER Strong chance of snow being seen in way too early Christmas store displays. Ugh!
Mr. Depp is in the final stages of negotiations for the leading role in an upcoming motion picture about the life of Dr. Douglass Houghton.
Dr. Douglass Houghton
psyched about the possibility Douglass Houghton is most bringing his unique acting famous for being the person talents to the role of Dr. who invented copper mining Houghton.” See Depp on Page 6
Privatization Continues At Local Schools
New Degrees At Tech
The Board of the Copper Country United District (CCRUD) voted unanimously at its September meeting to privatize the last remaining vestiges of the “public” part of public schools – the children and the people who teach them. “We’ve privatized everything else – the custodians, the cooks, the bus drivers and even the principals – the kids and teachers were the only things left,” said CCRUD Board President Penelope “Penny” Pinscher. Under the new plan, students and teachers will See School on page 6
Cougar Sighted In Houghton Houghton residents should be aware that a cougar has been sighted numerous times recently, according to the Michigan Department of Wildlife (MDOW).
“He’s fascinated by the character and he’s very close to committing,” claimed our source. “Johnny is really
The recent trend of money saving privatization in the local K-12 schools has now been taken to its fullest level.
Volume 1 Number 2
In an effort to attract more students to their school, and to tie into existing student activities, the Board of Control of Michigan Technological University has instituted a number of new majors and programs. Degrees in these programs could be granted as early as Spring 2011 for existing students who have had considerable relevant experience. New Undergraduate Degrees/Programs and Their Acronyms: REO: Recreational Electronics Operation – Xbox, PS and Wii addicts, here you go. Some students may already have accumulated enough playing time to qualify for advanced degrees and even post-doctoral credit. BP: Beer Pongology – For those who are followers of the bouncing ball. SS&M: Snow Sports & Monster – For skiers, snow boarders, and snow shoe-ers who love to gulp energy drinks and go outdoors. WPA: Winter Precipitation Architecture – Find lucrative careers in winter carnivals worldwide. HBO: Hockey and Basketball Observation – for those of you whose main purpose in life is cheering the Huskies at the SDC. If you’re good enough you could turn pro! PB&J: Pep Band and Jeeps – Maybe these two don’t necessarily go together, but, hey, the acronym looked good and Huskies do love both. BK: Broomball Kinesiology – slip and slide your way into a new career.
See Degrees on page 3
“Yes, it is true,” said MDOW spokesperson Steve Ermine. “We are officially acknowledging that, yes, cougars exist in Michigan and, yes, there have been authenticated sightings in the City of Houghton.” Despite many claims over the years, cougars have not officially recognized as being in Michigan by MDOW until just recently. Ermine also went on to explain that Michigan Technological Students should be especially alert because the cougar has been known to prowl near the MTU campus and in nearby areas where students have been known to congregate. “I don’t want to cause a panic, but the cougar has been observed stalking Michigan Tech students,” said Ermine. “She, the cougar is a female, seems to especially prefer young males between the ages of 18 to about 25 years of age. With Tech having a very high ratio of males to females, the campus and surrounding locales are a prime hunting ground for this predator.” See Cougar on page 3
Welcome To da Rutabaga! Great Journalism At Why Da Rutabaga? Irish writer George Bernard Shaw is quoted as saying: “You see things; and you say ‘Why?’ But I dream things that never were and I say, ‘Why not?’”. Yes, why not? Why not have a publication in the Keweenaw that tries to tickle your funny bone? These days, we residents of the Keweenaw need something to bring a smile to our faces, eh? With fun things happening like a war in Afghanistan, hard economic times, a humongous glob of crude oil in the Gulf of Mexico, and the same ‘ol same ‘ol loads of horse hockey in Washington and Lansing, - we Copper Country folks need a chuckle or two.
Da Rutabaga welcomes submissions from writers; photographers, cartoonists, etc. Its Greatest, Sort Of We need jokes, funny stories (true and otherwise), odd headlines as well read as some of us, you can from other publications, excerpts go to theonion.com and take a peek. from your humorous publications, We hope to simulate some of the cartoons, photographs, etc., etc. general ideas of irreverent satire that While we will consider general The Onion is known for – but without subject material, we really like the F-bombs and sometimes very material that has something to do adult level subject matter they are also with the Keweenaw or at least the known for. U.P. And last, but way not least, Da Rutabaga is a tribute to the legacy that has been bestowed upon us by such icons of American culture as Mad Magazine (and its wannabe little brother, Cracked); Saturday Night Live; The Capitol Steps; Monty Python; Dr. Demento; and his illustrious protégé (ta dah!) – Weird Al Yankovic. And so on and so forth.
If you don’t have any idea who or what any of these names are, you so far have truly lived a sheltered and deprived life (and maybe you won’t think any of the stuff in this rag is funny). However, there is still hope for you. Google the above mentioned names, hopefully get at least one chuckle out of one of them, and then read on here in Da Rutabaga. If you still don’t get at least one little grin from it, well – at least you didn’t pay And, those of you who are (ahem) too much for it, eh? well read (major wink), will recognize that the name Da Rutabaga is a nod If you do like it, as the great poet/ to the now nationally esteemed philosopher Axl Rose sang: newspaper and web site called The “Welcome to the jungle…” (Quotes Onion (which was started by those from George Bernard Shaw and Axl cow-tippers from Madison, Rose in the same article – now that’s Wisconsin dere, eh?). If you are not fine journalism!) Why call it Da Rutabaga? Well, for starters, in a place with a kooky name like “Keweenaw”, we need a name for our publication that is equally silly looking. So, why not name our little creation after a root vegetable that is little known to some, but consumed by many of us pasty eaters – the lowly rutabaga. Just say it out loud to yourself – “root-ah-bay-ga”. Sounds goofy, don’t it? Nuff said.
HELP WANTED: Writers; Photographers; Cartoonists; Etc. By sending us your material you are giving us permission to use your material in our publications in any format without compensation as we see fit (including editing). All materials submitted should be your original work or be properly attributed to its original source.
Send Us Your Funny Stuff! firstname.lastname@example.org
WE CANNOT PAY YOU FOR YOUR WORK! However, we will credit your work with your name, publicize your other work, and list any web address or other contact information you wish. And, you can write in your resume that you are a published author in the Da Rutabaga. Woohoo! Da Rutabaga staff alone will decide what material will be published or not, based on what we think is funny and/or appropriate for publication in our esteemed newspaper. All submissions should be in electronic form (MS Word doc files preferred for text, jpg’s for images) and submitted to us at email@example.com. While we will allow you to use pen names in print, we must have your real name and full contact information with your material or your submission will be not be used.
da Rutabaga Politics: Fiercely Independent; Equal Opportunity Satirists Some wise person once said something like “All life is politics,” or something to that effect. Since da Rutabaga is about life, it is therefore about politics. da Rutabaga is fiercely independent in its politics. We are equal opportunity satirists – everybody is fair game. Plenty of Democrats make donkeys of themselves and plenty of Republicans are white elephants – all with no help from us. Liberal; Conservative; Red; Blue; Green or Pinko Commie – whatever label you paint yourself with (and we have a love/hate relationship with those silly labels) – we do not aim to offend you personally. It’s your politics we laugh at (wink). We are all human. Being human, we are all interesting critters. Sometimes we look a the news and groan. Often we at da Rutabaga look at the news and chuckle - here comes some more interesting stuff to write about. If da Rutabaga is opposed to anything, we are amazed by people who refuse to even consider the remote possibility, no matter how remote, that they may not have all the answers. None of us have all the answers, friends, do we? And, we are also against those clear hard plastic packages that some products are sealed in. You ever try to open one of those without slicing your arm off……?
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Approximately 5,000 copies distributed through advertisers’ sites, tourism information sites, pasty parlors, bait shops, (and, eventually at darutabaga.com. The Keweenaw Press Staff: Julie Curtis Publisher/President/Graphics & Da Boss Lady Jim Curtis Editor/Vice President/Writer & History Geek Jessica Curtis Art Consultant & Creative Teenager Spc. Joshua J. Curtis - U.S. Army Remote Humor Advisor & Favorite Son Keweenaw Press 310 W. Douglass Ave Houghton, MI 49931 906-482-5874 firstname.lastname@example.org www.keweenawpress.com All content copywrited by the Keweenaw Press. Unauthorized use of content will result in the scoundrel being thrown into a snowdrift full of hungry Copper Country snow sharks (and a courtroom full of legal sharks). In other words: “Ask first, eh?”
Volume 1 Number 2
(continued from page 1)
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The wildlife expert said that places where younger males seem to congregate at night – bars and parties at fraternities and private residences – are especially high risk locations for attacks by this particular cougar. “This beast seems to sense that some of these young fellows are, how shall we say it, not very experienced with wild creatures like cougars. She appears to wait in the shadows and move in for the kill when the young men are inebriated and less likely to be able to defend themselves,” said Ermine. There have not been any deaths or severe injuries reported so far. However, young men are cautioned to be on the alert. “Yah, there have been a few close calls, mostly guys getting scratched up pretty bad before they managed to escape,” said Ermine. “That’s as far as we know. We believe that more guys have been roughed up by this cougar but are reluctant to report the incidents – possibly because they are afraid no one will believe them or that they might get laughed at. Believe me, this is no laughing matter.”
RCA: Ramen Culinary Arts – for those of you who live by three words: rip, pour and nuke! FYI: Facebook, YouTube and Instant Messaging – Be a Social NetWorker. BA: Bacon Appreciation Everything and anything considering the Food of the Gods: Bacon. A Minor in Chocolate and/ or a Minor in Cheese are available. WD-41: Wild Driving on U.S. 41 – Don’t ask, don’t tell. Graduate Programs MBA-KS: Mountian Biking Arts-Keweenaw Style - not for the faint of heart but definately for those who believe that twowheeled, non-motorized transportation is Nirvana. Labs at the Adventure Mine and at Copper Harbor are required. MBA: Master of Brew Administration – perquisite: Any undergrad degree at Tech MFA: Master of Four-by-Four Arts – Muddin’ is an art form, eh?
Ermine gave this advice to young male MTU students: “Stay alert and stay together. This cougar is an experienced hunter and knows how to bring down her prey. My best advice is that for every group of young males, a designated cougar lookout or DCL is appointed. The DCL should stay sober and stay on watch so he can protect his group from cougars and other potentially dangerous wildlife.” Anyone sighting this cougar should report her whereabouts to local law enforcement officials or to Ermine at the MDOW at 555-1234.
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Volume 1 Number 2
How To Watch A Football Game By Owen Harrison(ienonen) Here’s a column by a writer who was gracious (foolish?) enough to answer our help wanted ad from the August issue. He said in his email that he had spent some time in the Twin Cities (is there a prison there?) and had seen The Onion there AND that he thought da Rutabaga was a great idea. Well, Owen, (that’s a pen name - remember my prison question?), flattery WILL get you somewhere. Just be careful what you wish for...
If you’re anything like me, you need something to look forward to on a weekly basis. I’m talking about something recreational. Hiking, hunting, fishing, camping, exploring, getting lost: you know, the usual. And while those things really can be quite educational and exhilarating, I tend to gravitate toward more active hobbies. Like watching football games. Nothing can cause quite the change in my waistline as spending a good three hours (minus pre-game) sitting in the chair watching my favorite team. It’s a virtual guarantee that I’ll need a new pair of jeans every Monday morning. My wife must be worried I’ll overdo it because on many occasions she’s come into the living room during a game and said something to the effect of “You really ought to sit down and take a break once in a while…” Which reminds me, I should get a doctor appointment for her; she seems to have developed a twitch in her right eye. It’s probably nothing… Yup, surrounding myself with the best refreshments available and all 16 remote controls for a good ballgame is the best recreation next to, maybe, sleeping. (Sleep is a whole different subject worth considering. I’ll have to devote some real energy to describing that wonderful gift sometime). As far as snacks are concerned, I can eat just
about anything, provided it conforms to two rules: 1) It must have enough preservatives in it to tan approximately 23 deer hides, and 2) It needs to be in flashy packaging that weighs less in ounces than it costs in dollars. Drinks? I’m a fan of Diet Coke, myself- lots of it. I like to have enough caffeine in me so by the end of the fourth quarter I’m biting my fingernails, bouncing my leg, and nervously shaking so much that incomplete passes look like touchdowns (that trick has been particularly useful some seasons). Yet, no matter what you like for refreshment, just remember: The Food & Drug Administration has kindly made sure that all foods have a nutritional sticker affixed to the packaging that describes how many calories and grams of fat you will lose by consuming the product. Very helpful information…. So, this last weekend, I grabbed my cool drink with one hand, my snack with the other, put my feet up in front of me, and watched the kickoff. About midway through the first quarter, though, I realized that shoulder soreness was starting to set in. I knew this because the jerseyclad fan in front of me turned around and said, “Hey buddy, do you mind putting your feet down? The soreness in my shoulders is starting to set in.” I guess I hadn’t appreciated that when you’re actually at the stadium for a game instead of in your own living room, you have to adapt your habits somewhat. I replied, “Sure mister, no problem.” But it didn’t go so well after that because the guy next to him stood up and said something about me insulting his wife and knuckle sandwiches. I couldn’t really hear him over the crowd. Yes, I was there last weekend to see that travesty. Talk about heartbreaking! Seeing the looks on fans’ faces when they realized what was happening was just too much. I
mean, I was actually in tears…..$5.50 is way too much for a glass of beer! Not only that, but my team lost too. That didn’t keep me from doing my share of cheering and screaming though. At one point the fan on my right yelled at me for the umpteenth time about being little quieter, and I turned and said, “Honey, if you’re going to be like that, I’m not going to bring you next time.” She mumbled something about how excited she was to be there anyway so I figured I must have gotten my point across. Even with the $4.00 brats and $6.00 popcorn, one football game and your marriage will never be the same. I’ve been watching my team play for a long time and haven’t missed many games. But I’ve always kept my priorities straight, though. Quite a few years ago my son was due to be born on a fall Sunday. Many of my friends laughed and asked me what I would do if my wife went into labor that afternoon during a game. My reply was always the same: “I’ll just have to tape it.” Turns out my son was born on a Monday, but I always wondered if hospital policy would’ve allowed someone in the delivery room with a camcorder…..
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Depp As Dr. Douglass Houghton? Subscribe To (continued from page 1)
here in the Keweenaw while he was Michigan’s first State Gemologist. While he has been portrayed numerous times in print, his true story was revealed in the recent best seller, “Doug Didn’t Die: The Faked Death of Douglass Houghton”. The book, written by local author Jimmer Elzinga and published by da Rutabaga’s parent company, the Keweenaw Press, has caused a storm of controversy and gained the attention of Hollywood. The not yet officially announced movie will be based on “Doug Didn’t Die”.
well known acting skills, he has extensive experience doing historically themed movies. The long list of historical figures that Depp has portrayed includes Captain Jack Sparrow, Sweeney Todd and Willie Wonka,” our source stated. In addition our source added, Depp has a lot of experience working on water related movies, especially his three Pirates of the Caribbean films. Houghton did most of his exploration using water craft on the Great Lakes. In fact, Houghton officially died while fishing in a boat in the Eagle River near the Keweenaw town of the same name.
“Johnny Depp is the leading “Doug Didn’t Die” reveals that contender for the role of Douglass Houghton’s death was faked by Houghton because, in addition to his
School (continued from page 1)
When asked where the children will come from, Mann was less open.
“That’s proprietary information,” said the company representative. “Let’s just say that the students will be very motivated to succeed so that they will not be “reverse relocated”, as we put “We invite everyone to come on down it.” to our UTeech job fair,” said Conrad Mann, a spokesperson for Skoolz ‘R “The pupils will be carefully Us. “And I mean everyone. No more selected,” Ms. Pinscher quickly of that hoity toity stuff about college chimed in. “With this system we have degrees or certification. We believe the opportunity to prioritize what that anyone has something to teach qualities we wish to have in our children so we have an open minded students – academics, sports, music, etc. – and Skoolz ‘R Us will supply philosophy about hiring.” be supplied by Skoolz ‘R Us, a private firm based in Iron Valley, Michigan. Teachers will be hired by the company at an upcoming job fair.
pirates who were after the location of a silver mine located somewhere in the Keweenaw. Houghton had found the mine and was about to reveal its location through his upcoming official report as State Gemologist. His apparent death and loss of his field notes was engineered to allow the pirates to force Dr. Houghton to help them find the silver and then keep it secret.
da Rutabaga Would you like to receive da Rutabaga in the mail? There are two ways to make that happen: Free! - Just write your name and address on a twenty dollar bill and mail it to us.
By Check - Make out a check for twenty dollars to The The Depp/Doug movie has yet to be Keweenaw Press and mail it given an official name, according to to us. Make sure to include our source. the address where you’d like your Rutabaga sent. “They have a short list of possible titles,” the source said. “The list includes ‘Douggie and the Silver Mine’; ‘Douglass Silver Hands’; and ‘Pirates of Lake Superior’.
what we order. We will have the best student body money can buy.” Ms. Pinscher also pointed out that the school district will be able to do all this and save money as well. “We are cutting the budget and saving money,” Pinscher stated proudly. “We have a responsibility to our community we serve to live within our budget. Isn’t that what public schools are all about?” Pinscher then rushed out of the building saying she could not talk longer because she had to go pick up her children from their private school.
Keweenaw Press 310 W. Douglass Ave. Houghton, MI 49931 (Thanks to Larry from Pennsylvania who reminded us of Click and Clack’s twenty dollar bill joke.) Da Disclaimer da Rutabaga is a humor publication that sometimes (well often, really) tries to poke fun at the all too serious real world with fictitious stories. That means some (a lot, really) of this stuff is made up, fake, contrived, fabricated, and otherwise entirely not true. That’s what we do – make stuff up. Any public figures are fair game. Sorry you guys, you made yourselves targets (easy targets often, thank you) by stepping into the limelight. Any resemblance of any characters/subjects in our stories to real, private individuals is purely coincidental. If you actually are a truly non-public life form and you believe we are writing about you – don’t flatter yourself. We probably ain’t. Also, da Rutabaga is NOT a publication intended for children. While we may sometimes seem childish in our behavior and juvenile in our sense of humor (and often proud of it!), our target audience is not the tots and teen set. If you are a responsible parent, you will already be monitoring what your children read. If you think da Rutabaga is appropriate for the little ones – let ‘em read it. If not, don’t.
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For those rare young people who read disclaimers – please be aware that some Mommies and Daddies may not want you to read Da Rutabaga. Don’t blame us if they get mad at you for reading this drivel. If you are a responsible young person, you will already be monitoring what your parents read - and what they know you are reading. Hide this publication in appropriately secure locations as you deem necessary.
Volume 1 Number 2
Michigan Tech To Change Its Name Michigan Technological University will soon change its name. Beginning in January 2011 the University will be known only as “MTU”. The change came after a study done by the firm, Lowest Common Denominator Marketing, showed that the current name presented a number of image problems for the school. “For one thing, like, that name is just so…so frickin’ long,” moaned Buffy Offwhite, the local representative for LCD Marketing. “I mean, like, the word ‘Michigan’ is long enough by itself. Then you ad ‘Techno…Technolow…Technologimacal’…or whatever, AND ‘University’ and, like, it’s totally waaaay too long of a name. Especially for texting and stuff.” Offwhite’s company was hired by the Michigan Technological University Board of Control to look into possible causes for student enrollment levels that are lagging below Board expectations. LCD Marketing conducted surveys and focus groups with potential students and found that the University’s image was causing a problem. “Like, I get that you guys teach people how to make important stuff like cars and computers and trees and rocks and stuff,” said Offwhite. “But, ya gotta, ya know, mellow out the name or kids are just gonna be, like, totally turned off to your school.” The traditional short versions of the University’s name – “Michigan Tech” and “Tech” were also rejected by LCD. “Way too much, like, they remind people that your school is about math and science and other hard stuff,” observed Offwhite. “Totally NOT a good idea if you want people to even, like, think coming way up here in the sticks to do college.”
Surveys conducted on campus among current students resulted in a number of interesting possibilities for a new name. A few special interest groups cropped up to lobby for their favorite names. A group of science fiction fans pushed for the name “Michigan Trek”, but support waned as fans of Star Wars and Battlestar Galactica split off in a dispute over the “Trek” part of the name.
LCD’s next assignment is to find another mascot name for the MTU. “’Huskies’? Ugh!,” exclaimed Offwhite. “What girl in her right mind wants to be called, like, a dog or a fat person? You have enough trouble getting the ladies up here without pinning a name like that on them!”
A group of computer science majors proposed “WMBGBSYBWFUU” which stands for “We May Be Geeks, But Someday You’ll Be Working For Us University”. The name was rejected for being too long, but also because Offwhite’s attempts at discussing the proposal were fruitless.
“Those guys, like, just sat there at our meetings, staring at me, texting each other and giggling between gulps of Monster,” said Offwhite. “They never actually, like, talked to me. It was kinda creepy.”
Another strong, but very brief, contender was promoted by a group of student skiers, snow shoers, and snowmobilers was “TOWS”, which stands for “The Other White School”. The promoters meant to refer to Michigan Tech as the other school in Michigan (besides Northern Michigan University and Lake Superior State University) that has significant snowfall in the winter. Once the obvious other meaning was pointed out the name was quickly withdrawn. “So, like, we could not think of anything else, so we we’re stuck with ‘MTU’, said Offwhite. “Just ‘MTU’, and the letters not standing for anything. It’s not too sexy, but at least it’s easy to text.”
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