Issuu on Google+

Bestiariam Munustolidus


Bestiariam Munustolidus


Kathryn Cobble


Bestiariam Munustolidus


introduction to the introduction

Myth and Legend, Lore and Tale What we know of the mind is that it is a busy thing. We have made it so. Synapses orchestrate the whims of what would seem to be a single thought or a simple act, yet in reality hundreds and thousands of actions are at play each with the next and all with the goal of f ulfilling that want or desire. If you interrupt the chain, chaos ensues.

A story is hardly different. Letters, sentences, paragraphs and pages, all ready to play their part within the mind. Alas, without context, without order, letters and pages incomprehensible they remain. So we order things to understand them, or better, to make sense of them. If we truly can “make� sense of things. It would be better to realize how it is we sense and the reasons we proclaim for doing so. But without an ordered mind ready to understand the order of things, perhaps making sense is quite quo.


As far back into our collective histories

into the hands of hopeful caretakers who

as we can reach, we find that minds have

often desire our tale more than we

always been busy and that they have

ourselves once had. To our tale is added

always found ways to order the chaos that

the weight of their telling. A new tint. A

surrounds them. From the ancient Sume-

new color. A new place. A new breath. By

rians and their pantheon of deities to the

transcending time and space we climb to

eastern Taoists, from the aboriginal north

greater heights and sink to lower depths.

island burial mounds to the quaking mo-

We become the myth.

ments of colonial settlers, legend and lore

We become the legend.

have followed them all. And it is good to say “followed,� knowing that man and

A hairsbreadth of distance separates a

his kind may not have been first to any

myth and a history. It often depends

one of these small points in space and

entirely upon the person selling the

time. It could be that they were the only

wares. What is myth to one mind may

creatures so preoccupied with self that

be lifeblood to another. And may it be

they alone cared to leave a record. Lore is

known that, aside from the minds we

the collection things known as passed in

embody, it is only us who can account for

story. Stories are things told. Things told

us. After our bodies fade, who will live to

are meant to be heard. We record what

confirm the reality of life once so vibrantly

we wish others to know when our faulty

fluttering on this, our temporal plane?

selves will cease. We preserve our place,

Who is left to take and care for our

however fleetingly in the element of time

stories as we would have wished, if we

by traveling with it, no longer bound by

had wished at all?

the frailty of a mortal frame. So, then, we become the story, the tale;

Who indeed. As we pass, so shall they.

passing a mere sketch of our existence

Legends grow. Truth remains.


introduction

Many years ago I set forth upon a journey to discover what I, with growing realization, considered a marvel of the world. A subject written upon countless times but without a proper sum to sate my curiosity. No text to date nor translation of ancient hymn had brought to light what I knew to be the truth concerning this most important of matters. My mind wracked and reeling from tempestuous nights and feverish days set me on the edge of many a cliff. I would not let my temple rot. The mystery would not best what countless moments of solitude in meditation had wrought within me. A new creature I had become. How the earth shook beneath my gaze! Humility left me as an autumn leaf leaves its brethren, without thought or care on the winds of an unsettled breeze. I set my affairs in order. I packed for long travels over vast continents both in and out of the mind. I steeled body and soul, leaving no weakness, no pain. Having donned my cloak, staff in hand, I stepped out onto my front porch where I saw the rain dripping lightly from the heavens. I paused at the beauty and wonder of the moment. Then I stepped back inside, closed the door and laid


on the sofa for a nap. It was breezy too. Rain

Fall not prey, lest you be trapped as they are

and wind, who wants to step out into that?

trapped and become as they have become.

Thus, I awoke from my slumber and, having

*Depending upon the season, said creature

only a few moments left before needing to

may or may not have leg hair, or legs.

settle in to a full night's rest (naps will do that

Where does he get off having flowers? I'm

to you every time) I decided to pen some

the pretty one and... oh look at those lovely

thoughts about creatures I have met.

cheese samples.� You see, while most crea-

The creatures presented herein are not

tures survive on a diet of important things like

listed in any particular order. No hierarchies or

food and drink and air, these creatures survive

ghastly oneupsmanshippery. No fits of

on the acrid stench that is manifest only in an

narcolepsy induced by the monotonous drone

environment of total self unawareness. Their

of purposefully useless lip flapping. Yes. Pur-

minds (if applicable) are much like tupper-

posefully.

ware; not the good stuff though, the stuff

Oh, not that they wouldn't like that, sitting a

where the lid almost fits and there's a weird

big room in big chairs thinking big things. Yet,

shaped bubble on the bottom because it was

the room is a small broom closet, the chairs

micro waved for too long or it sat too close to

are imaginary and the thoughts are things

a burner while you were packing your lunch

like, “If I was a raincloud, I wouldn't rain on

and forgot that you'd just made tea on that

Billy's flowers because he looked at me funny

burner and now the smell is filling the kitchen

the other day. Carry these words with you,

and you wish you hadn't eaten so much for

dear reader, for though they seem mysterious

breakfast because it's really starting to get at

and fanciful, they are with great reality living

you. Inside the mind(s) exists only what can be

and thriving. These torrid creatures may even

described as what happens when a bit of egg

tempt you with their doe-eyed gazes and their

salad is left in the back seat of an old car on a

carefully manicured leg hair*. Take heed!

hot summer day.


Creature index

Bahrthrĕelde

S'Poophen


Woestix

Pł łop

Constance

Smiter the Proud

Suelfedģe

Gremebahron


Bahrthreelde


If you give a Bahrthrĕelde a task it may or may

to produce a garden spade, chop the fauna’s

not accomplish said task. That's really not what

roots and plant it on the other side of the pas-

matters. What matters is that the Bahrthrĕelde, ture where it soon expires, the Bahrthrĕelde satisfied neither by itself or its surroundings,

begins its retreat to a former abode. The en-

only accomplishes what it truly can; a simple

suing exit dance has been described by social

game of tug o' war with its own inability. The

anthropologists and pharmaceutics sales rep-

danger spreads when the Bahrthrĕelde leaves

resentatives as a nearly perfect hybridization of

the confines of its own dissatisfaction for the

moderately motivated sleep walking and the

supposedly greener pastures of another. Silly

personal response to six hornet stings to the

barbs are lobbed without aim and the result-

armpit. Which armpit, precisely, is a matter of

ing playing field becomes littered with inepti-

continuing debate.

tude, making a mess of what was once, possibly, a decent place to have a quiet lunch.

Said greener pastures of another may be ac-

To spot a Bahrthrĕelde in the wild, simply step

tual greener pastures (that have now become

outside to where any number of objects may

only a slightly lighter shade of tannish-yellow

be. You will most likely find the creature en-

due to said recent arrival) or they may be

gaged in a coy game of wits where (it) pre-

pastures of the mind. Regardless, once the

tends the object of interest is not satisfactorily

Bahrthrĕelde surprises itself with the revelation

existing and proceeds to admonish it for not

that there is no remaining fauna to wilt with re-

being either better or worse than what it is.

marks about its slow rate of growth or how, in

Task or no task, a Bahrthrĕelde pretends be-

spite of its own lack of ability to be fauna it in-

yond reason that it is capable... of something.

tuitively knows that to live on the other side of

What they are most capable of, sadly (or plain-

the pasture would be much better, proceeds

tively if you ask them) is being a Bahrthrĕelde.


Woestix


Thunder rolls across a darkened sky. Sweat

No matter the variety of Woestix (some

pours from a disparaged brow. Hands trem-

smell of cranberry jelly spiced with fear and

or. Skirts ruffle*. All in the wake of the on-

indigestion while others look like

slaught of the dire Woestix. Addressed in an

constipated Meerkats) distress must be

ancient conversational haiku:

hurled. It is a form of currency. Where no duress exists, the Woestix has nothing with

“what is it, Edgar?” “the sun has quit, now we die.” ”it yet shines. Please leave.”

which to pay, and therefore is argumentatively impoverished. Note the striking difference between impoverished and sterile. Attempting to sterilize a Woestix is to take one's sanity in his own hands, place it in a blender and press “puree.” Grumble and rumble as they may, the Woestix thunders and rolls against itself.

To spot a Woestix in the wild, simply imagine a situation that is less than optimal and the Woestix will appear, running in circles with flailing hands raised towards the skies. *A skirt is an article of clothing a bed wears.


płłop


A P ł ł op’s name is as odd to pronounce

re-organizing the list; copying the list in

as the manner in which it lives is to under-

quadraplet; mailing several copies to itself;

stand. Some pronunciations include: pyop,

phoning (or signaling in a hitherto and un-

pee-op, pie-hop, preestop, hwooeeo-

known archaic fashion) several members of

knop, psyflop, red #7, feedlot, and Stewart

its hive to let them know they had made a

III of Tellingham. The most striking charac-

list of very “important” things that needed

teristic of a Pllop is the exaggerated dis-

to be accomplished that day; making toast

proportion between the amount of work it

poorly; retrieving the incorrectly metered

does and the amount that it actually ac-

envelopes from the mailbox; re-mailing

complishes. Strikingly so. In fact the prop-

the lists with correct postage; making new

erly stated ratio is: Large Mountain Range

toast because the old toast got cold; go-

to Miniature Thimble Full of Sadness. This

ing to sleep for the winter.

has most likely been expressed as an advanced algebraic equation at some point

To spot a P ł ł op in the wild, look for

in history, though none remain who even

something that needs to be done. Of-

remotely care about it.

ten, (if it is not busy with its lists or winter slumber) the P ł ł op will be standing

Hundreds of years ago, perhaps even

nearby talking about how long it will take

several dozens of years ago, it was a well

to accomplish the thing that needs to be

documented fact that the P ł ł op would

done. Following talking, it will make a list,

spend most of its entire day getting ready

mail the list, signal another P ł ł op and tell

for the day. This generally involved: wak-

them about the list and the thing, make

ing; thinking about “important” things that

toast poorly, and then fall asleep without

needed to be done; making lists about

ever really doing anything.

the aforementioned “important” things;


S’Poophen


Many years ago, when man first discovered

Running around yelling impolite and gram-

the joy of cooking meat over an open flame,

matically shaky words and phrases with the

he discovered the timely consequence of

pretense of intense pain is a distinct marker

hot cinders precipitating the combustion of

of the S’ Poophen. After nearly three

his hair. The meat was well seasoned.

decades and 37 seconds of observation of

Possibly with a bit of course ground black

the S’ Poophen in its native environment

pepper, sea salt and some Greek

resulted in the following conclusion: S’

oregano. Of course, if the meat is poultry,

Poophen are never injured nor are they

a light sprinkling of rosemary topped with

suffering actual pain of any sort that would

butter and tart apples. A side dish is nice as

warrant mistakes in grammar. Further

well. With the red meat, deep greens always

research has concluded that they are

compliment the palette, along with a

semi-delusional, mistaking normal and

moderate amount of starches.

common place situations for those of a most extreme nature. Further further research has

So his hair caught on fire and this made him

concluded that, though the S’ Poophen will

run around yelling lots of things that were

mistake anything for something

probably impolite and grammatically shaky.

warranting poor grammar and crazed

Because the idea of “stop, drop and roll”

runnings from both to and fro causing harm

had not yet been invented, male pattern

to body and place finally resulting in spon-

baldness became a hereditary trait. Splotchy

taneous combustion, they are awfully fun to

baldness, like pop art splatter painting from

watch. Further further further research has

the previous century – the kind that sells

finally concluded that they are, indeed, silly.

for a cool million dollars but was probably somebody’s pet ocelot tipping over cans of

There is no need to travel great distances to

paint in the middle of the night because it

spot a S’ Poophen in the wild. They are an

didn’t get the type of treat it wanted. (Poul-

invasive species now inhabiting most cor-

try flavored instead of red meat flavored)

ners of the world.


Constance


Three hundred years ago the famed spe-

but also that the Matilda creature has not

lunker Archibald Carnassus Le ‘Deut hap-

moved an inch in the past three hundred

pened upon a most startling discovering – a

years. Society has merely build around her.

freshly painted fresco on the wall of his fa-

If asked, a Constance such as fresco Matilda

vorite bistro detailing a long-necked, squat

would quietly state that, “this is how it’s al-

bodied creature sitting at a desk. Or it may

ways been done.” What a grand explanatory

have been a credenza. They are very similar.

response for the longevity and overall survival of such a seemingly useless creature;

Now, more than 300 years later, the descen-

one that moves neither back or forth. No

dent of Le ‘Deut, a Mr. John, Whipperbean

progress made. No ground lost.

has made as nearly as startling discovery regarding the squat bodied creature featured

To spot a Constance in the wild, look for

in the fresco. Chiefly, it looks just like his

things that are ill-shaped and immobile. If

aunt Matilda. Sure the clothing looks differ-

such a thing is found, there is a reasonable

ent, but it could have been the light it was

chance that it is a Constance. To be doubly

painted in. Even the exquisite detail in the

sure, attempt to move the Constance. If it

lack of facial expression. The way the hands

shrieks in terror and slashes the cushions on

look as if they had at one point in time held

your sofa* in retaliation for a possible upset-

a great deal of desire but have remained

ting of its small, small world, you have found

stationary for nigh the creature’s entire life.

a Constance.

Some physicists have expressed a great in-

*Due to an atrophied vascular system

terest in studying both the painting and the

caused by centuries on motionless exis-

aunt Matilda for the purpose of establishing

tence, the sofa would have to be very close

parameters for human time travel. While a

at hand. Otherwise, the Constance will fall

bold venture, the search may be in vain. For,

over sideways and faint from overexertion.

if one looks closely, he would realize that not

This will leave an unsightly mark upon floor-

only are they one and the same,

ing or lawn.


Smiter the Proud


Ago once lived a sordid breed

recent evidence from some remote Pacific

Tilted nostrils, paid no heed

island in the continental Midwest has shown

Awe and struck inside their minds

that they are very much alive.

With think and thought of self divine

A grand parade they made of time

As the verse is wise to point out, they are

Walking, running in the brine

quick to make a grand parade of self. Such

Of satisfaction in the murk

parades are only made grander by the fact

Of belief in their own work

that the aforementioned blindness and deafness results in quite a menagerie of misdi-

It wasn’t really work at all

rection, bumpings in to and fallings of over.

But gain amidst the torrid fall

They are rarely allowed to carry scissors.

The sum of haught and heedless haste Desolate, the weight of waste.

To spot a Smiter the Proud in the wild look for a traces of potential scattered alongside

A more lovely verse was has rarely been

the edge of a walking path. The nearby

inscribed upon the stoneware pottery of

footprints will become deeper with each

a bygone civilization. This, however, was

new deposit of potential (evidence as as-

inscribed upon a very thin creature’s outer

sumed by some to be the beginnings of a

thigh, presumably by the hands of some

fabled Smiter’s March to Oblivion) culmi-

other creature just as preoccupied with skin

nating in the final eschewing of reason and

and ink as the other. Both were the par-

sound advice heaped up in a pile along with

ticularly fiendish variety of creature known

the Smiter’s poorly tailored clothing and a

as a Smiter. They are nearly blind and are

tiny sign directing somebody else to pick up

completely deaf. Thought extinct by many a

after it, for it has become much too import-

culinary expert,

ant for menial things.


Suelfed 模 e


A Suelfed ģ e is one of the most abominable

Look the Suelfed ģ e directly in the eye*

creatures imaginable. Though able to think

with an expression of utter disappointment.

for themselves at younger ages, they

The gaze will cause the Suelfed ģ e to

willfully attach themselves to any organism

second-guess its purpose, thereby

imaginable via an intricate set of tubes

loosening its tubular grip and allowing for

generated by various parts of their bodies in

escape. A word of extreme caution! If you

an attempt to survive existence without

do not take the opportunity to run from the

exerting any amount of personal effort.

now loosened Suelfed ģ e, it will mistake your disappointment for an advanced

Attempts to communicate with a Suelfed ģ e

training exercise and believe it is doing

without its symbiont are fruitless as they are

exceptionally well. It will then re-attach

inclined to speak through the symbiont or to

permanently to the nearest object with the

not speak at all. Indeed, beyond old

highest internally regulated temperature.

recordings of younger Suelfed ģ e

Experts suggest carrying a small combustion

voices, no recordings exist. Sadly, and due

engine with oneself at all times.

to hormone injection in a Suelfedges dietary staple of braerckenspats, maturity occurs at

*Good luck finding the eye. Many “false”

quite a young age with preliminary tubing

eyes have been found during numerous

forming in the larval stage.

autopsies, but actual eyes or photosensitive receptors have yet to be dis-

Do not attempt to spot a Suelfed ģ e in the

covered. False eyes may resemble various

wild. Do not attempt to make any form of

pieces of manually operated office

contact with a Suelfed ģ e. If, for any reason,

equipment or the drapes you purchased

a Suelfed ģ e attaches one or more of its

last fall. If not the drapes, then the blinds.

tubes to your person, do not pull or attempt

If not the blinds, the flooring.

to run away. Stand perfectly still and make no sounds whatsoever.


Gremebahron

Long ago, witches had cauldrons. Sometimes they were really big (the cauldrons) and the witches would throw in odd assortments of things that fit rather well. Through much story we have come to know of “eye of newt” and “hair of warthog” as ingredients in these strange brews. Rest assured that they are merely fanciful characterizations of the actual ingredients and that they taste much better than what was normally used.


The Gremebahron is a product of one of

Jar 2: “Guide us. Move us. Be our comple-

several failed experimental concoctions that

tion and devotion.”

were stored on a shelf together during an

Jar 9: “And jelly.”

otherwise pleasant afternoon in the month

Jar 2: “You must take us to the highest

of what is commonly called November. And

heights as only you can.”

by combined, do not read that they were

Jar 9: “Where’s the bathroom?”

mixed together. They were put on the shelf

Jar 1: “Gromgromgromgromgromgrom.”

in separate jars for a reason. But because

Jar 2: “And so it shall be! The vote is cast

they were not rendered inert and used as

and our future is bound!”

garden sprinklings and because one contained much too much maple syrup and

That is the record of how Jar 1 became the

because they were thought harmless they

first Gremebahron. The remaining jars were

decided to hold a vote. The vote, as best we

either asleep or had already been spilled

can recount, went something like this:

upon the floor. A Gremebahron, though its principal ingre-

Jar 1: “Phhlllllbbbtttt!”

dients are unknown, consists of amorphously

Jar 2: “I second the motion.”

disproportionate amounts of:

Jar 9: “Commotion? What train am I on?”

Possible ability

Jar 2: “I second the train!”

Desire to gutteralize long strings of abstract

Jar 2: “I second the train again and I love

phonemes , Imitation desire to listen (from

maple syrup.”

extract), Off-brand cough syrup

Jar 1: “Flaaaargeeessptt!!”

Dye #2 Polyester, 3 bags of spoiled dreams

Jar 2: “Yes!”

The ability to spawn more Gremebahrons.

Jar 9: “I wanted eggs.”

Additional curious descriptions regarding

Jar 1: “Raaaaarggh.”

the construct of the Gremebahron need not

Jar 2: “Yes. Yes! You must lead us. You see

be mentioned. It should be enough to know

the lands beyond!”

that they were things not meant to happen

Jar 9: “And ham.”

but happened anyway. Some of them smell a bit like a newt’s eye.


Glossary of terms


Alphabetize – what you do to make words

creatures that produces live young after a

more orderly

given period of incubation. Also something

Non-alphabetic – what has been done to the

scrambled over heat. Also something boiled

terms in this glossary

until hard, diced, slathered with mayonnaise

Glossary – a list of things you ignore until you

and left on the back seat of an old car on a

can’t find something you’re trying to

hot summer day

remember

Complete – What this glossary is not

Term – a thing you can’t remember that’s

Grammar – The useful putting together of

probably in a glossary somewhere

words and phrases so that they read sensibly.

Myth – Unverifiable accounts of the events

Not that they read themselves. That would

of existence (though not necessarily untrue)

involve some sort of textual anthropomor-

held in strong belief by many or few

phism or machines gaining sentience and

Legend – A narrative of facts or figures

storming our homes. Fight! Be the revolution

passed down through many generations,

against our computer overlords!

often becoming accepted as true

Ability – what some creatures lack in spite of

Lore –The body of knowledge on a given

their declarations to the contrary

subject

Edgar – An ancient Woestix who was

Tale – A story meant to inform, no matter

told to leave

how fanciful

Season – A period of time either literal or

Sate – To satisfy or fill

figurative

Hymn – Poem set to song. There’s probably

Tannish-yellow – Depending upon the visual

a better definition somewhere. Not to be

context, a very unpleasant color

confused with, “him,” whoever he is

Greek – A term descriptive of physical origin,

Woe – A state of being in ill in one’s omen

collegiate pledge group or financial

Sofa – A cushy thing good for naps

insecurity

Hair – striated masses of dead cells upon which we put things like eucalyptus oil and avocado for a “better shine”


German – A term descriptive of attempting

“Scissor,” but that’s a verb. “Jean” is still a

to fix “Greek”

noun, or an adjective describing a type of

Fauna – Plants and things

outerwear. But not underwear. Tsk! We can’t

Ocelot – A wild feline twice the size of an

do that, now can we?

average housecat with neat looking fur and

Vascular – Of or pertaining to the vessels or

rounded ears which would look more

ducts that convey fluids

intimidating if they had pointy ear hair

It – A noun

List – A collection of things often found in

Parade – What used to be held in honor of

row and column form that are only useful if

excellence but is commonly an exaggerated

they can be deciphered and used

gesture placed in the middle of a lovely

(see “Ability”)

holiday. Parades are closely related to

And – The word “and”

“Standing Ovations” in their misapplication

Expression – An outward display of inner

Lawn – Often a carefully manicured

goings on

collection of fauna that nobody is supposed

Le ‘Deut – A silly name

to walk on

Credenza – Something like a desk but with

Comma – Something easily confused

a longer name

with an M Dash

Spawn – See “Egg”

M Dash – Something easily confused

Phoneme – A portion of a morpheme

with a Semicolon

Grom – A phoneme

Semicolon – Something easily confused

Tube – A hollow device through which

with a Comma

things move in either direction

Capitalization – The process of making

Cauldron – A very large or big metal cup

something more important than it

Chant – A gathering of morphemes that

probably should be

are put together in chant form

Proud – A word describing an often

Gaze – What you do when you look at

permanent state of existence eventually

something for an inappropriately

leading to a state of woe

long season. Garden – A place where things grow. Loosened – A de-tightening of something Wild(e) – The end result of something being too loosened



Bestiarium