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Poems for Sylvia

Love, death and dying

Poems for Sylvia: Love, death and dying. About breaking down, breaking up and breaking apart: This zine is a compilation of poetry by Kate Aschoff. Kate is a young person born and raised in PĹ?neke, Wellington. They spent a year studying Sociology and Theatre at Victoria University of Wellington but for 2018 they have stepped back from their studies to focus on their community work, mental health, art and professional development. They are an activist; artist and you can learn more about their work at or on Instagram @aschoffkate

10th May 7.01am I keep thinking about the sky When it's pink in the evening The lashings of white cloud and light beaming through Can you see it? I decided that if I was stripped of my skin And maybe bones too That's what I'd look like under all this I can see soft pink mirages running up my arms Through my fingers and toes In my veins You'd find my crispy burnt heart in the middle Like a marshmallow that's been cooked slightly too long Something soft and sweet becoming hard and heated My lungs are backwards They always struggle to breathe just right Forgetting to follow in with out or out with in It's not their fault they're so confused I'm not the one who turned them around A pot of gold in my belly I'm not sure how it got there but it's heavy and makes me feel full, sometimes just a bit too full You could go looking for the mind, but I'll tell you already that it isn't there A head fill only with exhaust Different shaped puzzles and pieces that somehow fit together Make up a whole or most of one anyway Not sure what kind of picture it all creates Or if there really is any at all But if there were I'd be interested in taking a look Maybe I'd learn a thing or two about this mess of a body This hollow mind This place I wish I could call home

7th May 8.38pm Eat At My soul Until You are Full. I Will not Stop you As I Am not Hungry for this Life Anymore.

5th May 11:39pm This thing in my chest Hungry / Aching / Beating, maybe Urging for the devil to pull it from my body Wanting it to be crushed and burnt Hidden from all but mostly myself Away from danger If I destroy it before anyone else tries to steal it again I'll be the winner then They can't take my sin And I'll have nothing to take comfort in But nothing to lose There will be more room for my lungs to breathe More logic for my mind to follow No more ache No more pain weeping beneath my breasts Just waiting to be kissed alive Earning for a warm touch Willing to kill the body Loose the mind For that touch of love No more / No more my dear This heart has given its love Given its all It cannot take another break What that would do to this soul This energy and aura Not even prayer could bring me back from that This bleeding rock of coal Gushing out words of bargaining Of hope Angry lust Spitting acid on past lovers It must be stopped Must be removed from the body I cannot have it be taken again I will take my own dagger into my breast / Control is mine I’d rather break my own heart a thousand times than let you touch it again Hands that were far too cold to ever handle my warmth And now no one will get to feel it That's what happens when you play with fire Everyone loses

4th May 10.13pm (Weird to feel so calm about death) I'm sorry Two words Or three if you break it down I am sorry Sometimes that's all the pen writes All the note says The only words that can be managed You might be sorry But I'm not If I left tonight I'd not be sorry I'd write It was about time The world should be apologising to me and not the other way around Girls who break hearts don't get to be forgiven, don't deserve my sorrow Systems that fail again and again get no remorse from me People who spit angry, careless words, offer no help, or care or love Why would I be sorry I'm not the one at fault I'm the one winning the game Checking out before it gets any worse I'm not responsible for people's pain if they didn't first choose to be responsible for mine I gave all my love All I had I've got nothing to be sorry for But maybe you could read me an apology at my funeral? Someone at least owes me that, right?

15th of February 4.06pm How do you believe in love, when the world is selling it to you, but your bank account is empty? How do you believe in love when you know you need it like air, but the tank is always empty? How do you believe in love when it can hurt you like that? What if love doesn't win? What is love is the looser? The lesser. The defeated. I would buy myself flowers, but they'd just die I would buy myself chocolate, but it won't make things better I sell my love like a beggar on the streets, giving it to anyone who will listen, who is willing to see me as I am If love is all there is, all you need, how do you find it? I am not without love, but I worry about those who are. How do you keep a heart beating without love? How do you learn to hold your own hand in the streets? How do you give love, when no one is giving you any?

May 13th 11.38pm An empty pit of ash and burnt memories fills my gut I am grieving the body that once lay next to me in the dark night She sleeps now A 10-minute drive away But is no longer for me to love I have become too cold for her too touch Even though I love how her warmth melts me I'm hiding in wet, seedless soil I know not what will grow from it My heart cut in half and buried in the sand They say I must regrow the half I lost all by myself That she can't help That it will take time But I worry my body won't remember how to breathe in time And that I'll have no heart to beat my blood An empty stomach and dark clouds in my head It's hard to grow without any seeds It's hard to heal without being whole It's hard to love without getting broken

May 13th 11.46pm Come and sit Listen to me talk about my pain Cry with me as we hold each other Tell me I will be okay Let's be sad, uncomfortable, angry and mad Together I don't want to die a quiet death But that's all this silence will get me He told me talking about it gives it more power over me But I think that talking about it puts the power back in my hands I will own this pain and share it with those who will listen It's not so scary with you here These things are always worse when you're alone Come and give me consistent reminders that there is more love and life and hope to be found even though mine have crumbled Let's make fun of how awful things are Oh, the irony of it all Don't be afraid if I'm crying as I laugh I've remembered the pain for a moment It's okay to laugh at the mess in front of you This lonely, loveless, sad human I am me But I'm also in you And whilst I'm the one needing taking care of You know too well what's happening in this mind Come into my misery with me And we can climb back to something better When we're ready There's no one here to rush this healing Only me and my friend against the world Killing our demons one day at a time

25th of May 7.09am I need another body Not a new one for me but one That can lie alongside my own I miss hands on hips Hands in hair Hands in hands And legs intertwined I want warmth I want the earth to be moving but not be able to feel it because I'm in the safest place in the world The arms of another Who might be my lover Who's body isn't mine But helps hold me up anyway 27th of May 7.56pm I want to be undone with love Made loose with kisses and touch All of me warmed from the souls for my feet to my soul within Deeply aroused with intimacy and sex Overcome not with frivolous lust and desire But a power greater than god Something I've always deserved but never received Something I've given but not had returned Made finally free from my own constraints Healed as I fall apart for something good and not due to the grief of the world - my penance is due

2nd of June 6.58am I can feel a heart beat in my ears but I don't know if it's mine All I want is a silence that will swallow me whole and lull me to sleep We're all a bit awful But trying to do our best My hands and words make things messy When I'm only trying to protect myself from more pain Their chosen ignorance leaks poison into my veins Wherever it comes from, I'm the one who chooses to drink more My own demon hungry for a kill Of my life over theirs It's easier to point one dagger in than five daggers out I only have two hands The beating gets louder in my ears Like a war song my body wants me to follow No one wins in wars And I don't need to bleed more than I am The demon must wait The daggers on hold The forgiveness buried deep The love burnt away And the life on the line

15th of November 2017 We wash over each other’s bodies with bites and kisses and more love then we know how to handle Street light falling on her neck I thought to myself ‘God she is so beautiful and God I am so lucky, and God please don’t ever let this end. I thought this is what God feels like. She is god and I am god and what we are doing is heaven and the only thing worth doing on this earth.’ She is a dark light and I have been engulfed I am loving her as if I have known her for 50 years. I have known her 148 days. 4 months. She sends me her favourite love song at 11pm at night and I listen to it at 6.30am when my fire album goes off. The morning sun breathes into my room, a warm magical warm glow of light I lie on her and feel her chest breathe and heart beat and think ‘I want to stay here forever’ Sitting on her kitchen floor she makes me hummus on toast and a vanilla latte which taste like the best thing I’ve ever eaten After we’d known each other for a month I told her how lucky I was to know her because it felt like our souls matched. Falling in love is such a great danger to my soul. She writes “I want to hold you tight enough only to feel your warmth, not any of the coldness or sadness or confusion of the world.” The doubt creeps in at 3 in the morning and / I cry myself back to sleep with the thought of ever losing her / I am not good at loving moments or memories, / I am only good at loving forever / Forever is a long time, and my love could be crushed in the blink of an eye The possibility of goodbye twists my guts into each other / My heart rate rises and the room starts to move / All the happy moments disappear and I am alone / Without her love This fills me with never ending darkness, the kind where candles will not light and you have the fight the devils alone, losing every time I want to cut my heart out of this rotting body so I will never fall in love ever again I will burn in in a fire and take the ashes to the sea / Where they will float so very far away from me /Only then will I be safe

Poems for Sylvia.  

A collection of poetry & prose about breaking up, breaking down and breaking apart.

Poems for Sylvia.  

A collection of poetry & prose about breaking up, breaking down and breaking apart.