step-by-step process that anyone can follow. 1: Look in the mirror. Do you have a goatee? If the answer is “no,” then you are not an evil twin. If you do, then it is possible you may be the evil twin. But there is an easy test you can conduct to make sure: Simply shave the goatee off. Does it grow back within half an hour? Then yes, you are an evil twin. Please discontinue reading this article right now. And yes, this does apply to females: Female evil twins do have goatees, but because female facial hair is considered “taboo” in this country, (Ahh, I do miss Greece!) Female evil twins have to keep it trimmed at all times. Guys, have you ever been on a date with a girl and she keeps going to the bathroom? That’s an evil twin keeping her chin pubes in check. Does she go with other females? She is simply a part of a sleeper cell of evil twins. 2. Once you have identified that you are not the evil twin, you must surround yourself with security. You may have noticed that many movie stars have bodyguards. This is not because they are worried about the paparazzi, but because they are worried about their evil twin. Because once your evil twin kills you, they will assume your identity, and begin making lousy movies and collecting what should be your paycheck. (I am fairly confident that Ben Affleck’s evil twin got to him right after Good Will Hunting.) And perhaps you may have noticed that many of those bodyguards sport goatees? That is because they too are evil twins. But have no fear: Only your evil twin wants to kill you, but you gotta make a living somehow in between. I mean, hey, revenge is a very expensive endeavor. 3. Learn some sort of defense art. Perhaps Brazilian Jujitsu or some of that Muy Thai boxing. Because Karate is just a bunch of showy crap. Get some sort of training that will allow you to take your evil twin down quickly and efficiently, at which point you can break a few bones. Or if you’re lazy and would prefer to drink beer instead, just pack some heat. 4. Watch your Facebook and MySpace
accounts. In our new world of technology, it is much easier for your evil twin to find you. Did you get a friend request from a handsome individual who looks a lot like you, but with a goatee? I know you’re trying to hit that one million-friend mark, but trust me: Hit “Deny.” Better yet, hit the “Spam” button. Remember, if your evil twin kills you, they get your life. And that includes your 900,748 friends, including the 14 you actually know. 4. Your evil twin can come at any time, but it is a proven fact that they prefer to attack in adverse weather conditions. This is disheartening for us in Oregon, as anytime between September and June is an adverse weather condition. Be ready at all times, and always watch your back. If this is too much stress for you, consider moving to Southern California or to Spain off of the Mediterranean coast, where there is only about two and half adverse days a year, and you can easily spend that time with some pretzels and a good Nora Roberts novel. 5. Once your evil twin finally does catch up with you (and believe me, he or she will), your best tactic is a strong
offense. Attack quickly, and attack hard. Remember, while your evil twin has been training his or her whole life, dreaming of killing you every night, and now has the element of surprise, you do have those three martial arts classes you took to get your fuchsia belt. Oh, and that gun, if you bought it. So attack, and attack hard. Who knows? You might win. Maybe. 6. Once you have bested your evil twin (or made friends with it, as the Olsens did) you are free to no longer live in fear. Dispose of the body (or if you really want to freak your friends out, shave off the goatee and make it look like you got in a tragic freak naked Twister accident). Then live your life. So what if you’re asking, “What if I can’t afford bodyguards, fighting lessons, and a gun?” Have no worries. You probably have a shitty life that your evil twin doesn’t want anyway.
American Apparel: A Crushing Tsunami of Generic Sameness
When I finally found the door, I was met with the newest indie pop song, playing simultaneously with my iPhone 3G. I was home. More white, stiff, headless people were strolling around and looking at monochromatic unitards. The cashier, whose septum piercing showed how alternative but also cool but also alternative she was, directed me to the store’s most popular item. One glance at the rack of hoodies and I had to change my Facebook status from “likes green living cuz it’s trendy” to “likes buying things.” After considering a black- and-white striped hoodie (to match my Adidas Sambas that I wear despite the fact that I never play soccer), I decided on a purple one (to match my iPhone 3G that was now playing the newer newest indie pop song). As I left the store, I failed to notice that two of the three cones in my retinas had permanently ceased to function.
But it no longer mattered. The students strolling down the street all looked exactly like me —we were a sea of primary colors, a great Play-dohmosaic, a crushing tsunami of generic sameness. If this isn’t heaven, I don’t know what it is. I’ll tell you what it is: a virus, little American Apparel child, a virus.
How To with Jake Sauvageau This Week:
How to Assassinate Your Evil Twin There is a special someone in the world for every one of us. I’m not talking about a soulmate. I’m not talking about the special someone who finishes your sentences, shaves your back, and lies in bed with you on Sundays doing the crosswor. No, I’m speaking literally about your other half, your doppelganger, your evil twin. If you’re thinking: “How can that be? I’ve never seen this person before!” Then my answer is well of course you haven’t, dummy. Because then you’d be dead. See, it is your evil twin’s mission to destroy you. Upon your birth, it is dictated which twin is evil (determined by goatee, more on that later). Shortly after birth, the evil twin is removed to a facility in northern Siberia to train his or her entire life so that he or she can find you and exact his or her revenge for being the twin that no one wanted. If you have friends that are twins now, it is because they were originally born as triplets. (Only one baby per group is ever evil, and then they have to do twice the work) That, or one of the twins is secretly the evil one, and is just playing the waiting game. By now, I imagine you’re scared, and justifiably so. More deaths happen at the hands of evil twins than the Iraq war, frat house keggers, Disney amusement rides, and Dharma & Greg episode marathons put together. So you should definitely be on your guard. But first, you have to be able to identify your evil twin so that you can take care of them before they take care of you. I have laid this out in an easy
I was hanging in the Starbucks on 13th, sipping a gingerbread latte, counting the pieces of flair on my Facebook account and deleting my super lame Myspace page, when I happened to glance across the street. Blocks of primary color floated before my eyes, eventually sorting themselves onto the barren bodies of white, stiff, headless people. The scene was intensely attractive.
I arose from my chair, snapped shut my orange-and-green candy-striped Apple laptop, flipped to the newest in- die pop song on my iPhone 3G, and headed out. This store looked like the coolest thing since carrying long boards around but not actually riding them and I definitely wasn’t going to miss out. Outside the store, I spent several minutes distinguishing the building from its shadow.
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Jake Sauvageau can be reached at Jake@thecomicpress.com. He recently grew a very nice goatee. Oh crap.
Jordan Eddy
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