This is the weekly enema it comes out twice a month
And by reading this far, you are just that much better than everyone else
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The Weekly Enema www.weeklyenema.com
Thursday, October 30, 2008
Volume 2, Issue 3
Why Do We Look Like a Real Paper All of a Sudden? By Jackson Hager Yes, dear reader, change is scary. But we live in a time of change. Just imagine, right now the candidate from one massive, entrenched political party has a different skin color than the candidate from the other massive, entrenched political party! Well, in the spirit of change sweeping the nation, we too have decided it’s time for our paper to have a face lift, a tummy tuck, a quadruple bypass, and – yes – an enema. You will notice that what you hold in your hands today feels slightly larger than the paper you may have held in those same hands two weeks ago. DO NOT PANIC. You have not contracted some malignant hand-shrinking disease from a dangerous minority and/or foreigner. Or, if you have, it has little impact on the larger size of this issue of The Weekly Enema other than making it seem EVEN LARGER.
Time was, we were referred to as “an 11x17 piece of paper folded in half.” Well, thanks to a large amount of gumption, spunk, and other suggestive terms for temerity, we are now the size of an 11x17 piece of paper NOT folded in half. Oh yes, our critics are shaking in their shoes, boots and/or slippers. If you want someone to blame for this massive expansion, point your collective finger squarely at our newly-minted team of interns, writers, artists, and journalism school drop-outs. Thanks to them and their nasty habit of writing funny shit, we have plenty of content to act as packing peanuts around our most fragile and valuable content: Ads. Yes, it’s true. Printing takes money. Since we were cruelly ripped from the teat of free printing, we now have to run a few ads to get this rag from our brains to your
hands. Besides, as the Oregon Commentator will note, newsprint makes very good toilet paper, firestarters, and birdcage-liner, so at least we’ll be good for something. As students of communication will know, the newspaper is dying. It is a fact that no new newspapers have been successfully created since the Charleston Erotic Bugle in 1904. So they told us it was impossible, told us it couldn’t be done, told us that maybe we should try to pass our classes this term instead of dicking around with an upstart comedy paper. Well we showed them. We showed them how to fail with style. We showed them how to print longer, harder and with more girth than anyone before us! We showed them: The Weekly Enema! <Rhetorical flourished provided by Barack Obama’s speech writers.>
Unlike freedom, this paper is free
In This Issue: Love! Idiots! Science! Canada! Doom! Dopplegängers! Booze! Classes! Cars! Los Angeles! Fights! The Future! Hockey! Music! Questions?
p. 4 p. 4 p. 5 p. 6 p. 1 p. 6 p. 7 p. 8 p. 1 p. 2 p. 2 p. 5 p. 4 p. 8 p. 8
Impending Doom! Brought to You Courtesy of Sarah Palin’s Breasts.
How the Kiefer Kia Princess Will End the War on Terror By Jake Sauvageau WASHINGTON, DC – In an unprecedented move in the War on Terror, the Department of Defense has employed a new secret weapon: A princess. But not just any princess, says the White House. According to President Bush’s press secretary, one of the final moves made by the current administration will be to utilize the talents of a spokesperson from Eugene, Oregon, known as the “Keifer Kia Princess.” Bush’s press secretary had this to say about the situation: “During the President’s daily intelligence briefing, which includes heavy doses of YouTube and satellite television, he came upon what appeared to be a crazy woman in a cheap wedding dress. However, she was selling little Korean cars.” According to the press secretary, an intern who happened to be a graduate from the University of Oregon mentioned that this particular princess had the ability to turn viewers away without fail in mere moments.
After running through some government test groups at Guantanamo Bay, it was confirmed that no one could stand to look at or hear the Princess for more than 1.2 seconds. Reading from a self-prepared statement, the President added, “With the utilification of such a strongly weapon, we too can make Iraq not bad anymore or let terrorists terrorize with terrorful…terrors which would make good here…in the US of not-Canada.” It is unknown what, if anything, he meant. Plans are being made to bring the Keifer Kia Princess to Monterrey, CA, where she will take crash courses in Arabic and Farsi. Afterwards, she will travel to New York, where numerous commercials will be made for Iraqi television. “It is undecided what products she will be selling,” the press secretary noted, “But some likely items will be fuses for explosives, turban relaxer, and camel lube.” See PRINCESS, page 5
By Thomas Kramer Forget Islamic extremism, nuclear proliferation, and Hannah Montana-brand Flan. Ladies and Gentleman, Sarah Palin’s tits are the greatest threat to the American democracy since Adolf “Sunshine on My Shoulders” Hitler. Preserved by the icy winds of the Alaskan winter, these bouncing beauties are perked in defiance of God, an unnatural abomination that has amassed enough power to seduce the conservative base and simultaneously nurse approximately half a dozen children. One can’t help but be reminded of the Kix slogan of old: Kid tested, mother approved. With last week’s revelation that her milk bags are shackled in a brazier worth more than my parent’s house (courtesy of John Q Taxpayer), it is estimated their erotic prowess is rivaled only by Hugh Hefner’s smoking jacket, or perhaps bacon-laced marijuana. See DOOM, page 5
Edugraphic: Panhandlers vs. Environmental Activists Panhandler
Annoying Wants your money Might be insane Rants illogically Won’t stop Poorly Dressed Has a clipboard Yeah, the picture is cropped, so let your imagination run wild.
Our Mission The Weekly Enema is published by a couple guys and their friends. We don’t get any money, respect or furtive sexual encounters in the supply closet for doing this, so we are understandably bitter. The Weekly Enema contains only satire and parody, so if you even think about exhibiting moral outrage or taking legal action, then your parents probably didn’t love you enough. Just to be totally clear, we do not assert that anything in this rag comes anywhere close to the truth, facts, medical advice or even good writing. Before you hate, just remember that a whole mess of white dudes died and/or wrote boring documents so we could have the right to make cruel fun of you and your stupid face.
Staff Editor-in-Chief Jackson Hager Publisher Kai Davis Design Jackson Hager Web Master Kai Davis Managing Editor Bruce Jeffryes Contributors Biggs Pender Emanon Veen Sunflower Goldschmidt Doctor Richard Liebgott Hannah Belair Chris Banta Jake 0 Jacob Hutchins Colin Gerber Thomas Kramer
Syndicated Writers Dave’s Secretary at Work Merlin Mann Christian Lander Comic Artists Ryan North Randall Munroe Jesse Reklaw Justin & Drew Winston Rowntree Kate Beaton David Malki ! Wes & Troy
Senior Twitter Correspondent
One More Thing to Hate By Jake Sauvageau
10 Reasons Why LA Sucks Once you figure out how to make bored people with computers feel angry, jealous, AND horny, you’re one domain name away from retirement. Still processing that I watched almost 5 min of a PowerPoint about “why LOLCats are funny” before leaving to drink. Regardless of how Crunch-tastic his breakfast food may be, an aging seaman with eyebrows on his hat is not a man I’d trust to watch my kids. Blog Pro Tip: Write headlines that make it fast and easy for commenters to misunderstand what you didn’t say in the post they didn’t read. Even if I had the energy and desire to cheat on my wife, I suspect the Star Wars shirt I’ve worn for the last week might be the cockblocker. If you only ever say things everybody agrees with, you’re probably a butler. Or should be.
Letter from the Editor Ok, so I understand we’re The Weekly Enema and everything, and journalistically we set a bar too low for a midget to limbo under, but I think even we have earned the right to criticize the latest pile of crap to come out of the UO, Emerald Magazine. Emerald Magazine is the kind of thing I can imagine people writing angry letters about. Angry letters containing things like “I am ashamed I went to a school that would print this.” So just what is wrong with Emerald Magazine? Well, since you obviously cherish and respect my opinion, I’ll spill the beans. The shitty, shitty, shit beans... in shit sauce. Just to note one thing right off the bat, the cover of EM has nothing to do with any of the content (it is a shot of the Autzen student section in full swing, though nothing about football is to be found inside). Sure, it’s a magazine for students, but Gourmet magazine doesn’t put photos of fat housewives on the cover. As far as I know, it’s kinda a rule in the magazine world that a cover has something to do with what’s inside. What I found beyond the cover wasn’t much better. In 32 pages of magazine, they managed to fit just one
feature piece and four smaller pieces. At least skimping on content left room for almost a dozen full-page ads. And four games of sudoku. And three crosswords. Think I’m kidding? I wish I was. Pick up an issue. In fact, pick up all the issues you can, do something obscenely biological to them, and hand them to your enemies. For their premiere issue, I must admit that the Emerald Magazine staff pulled out all the stops. Food reviews, music reviews, more food reviews, two full pages of games, and a “news” story that happened months ago. Oh, and next issue we get to hear about their Grammy picks. You know, real hard-hitting stuff. I’d just like to note for clarity’s sake that I am not saying we at The Weekly Enema are any better. In fact, if we tried to do real journalism, I’m sure Walter Cronkite would have an aneursysm, come back as a zombie, and feed us our own sauteéd genitals. But if greasy guys siting on Laz-eboys at home can judge NFL players, then by God, we should be able to make fun of whoever we damn well please.
1. Compton. 2. The Clippers. 3. Randy Newman. Anytime he pens a song about anything, it immediately becomes uncool. 4. Hollywood. Because for every Dark Knight there are at least ten Norbits. 5. The Lakers. Man, you guys are a bunch of douches. 6. No football team? Even Charlotte, NC has a football team. 7. You guys claim to be all ecofriendly, but your governor drives a Hummer. Assholes. 8. The sitcom Joey. ‘Nuff said. 9. Fires, fires, and more fires. 10. You steal water and electricity from surrounding states.
by Bruce Jeffryes
Lesson 5: How to Avoid a Fight Option 1: Vomit.Vomit everywhere. Just stick your finger down your throat and puke all over yourself. Nobody wants to fight a guy covered in puke. Option 2: Beat yourself up! They will be so confused and uneasy that they will have lost the will to do it themselves. Trust me, you just saved yourself from a much worse ass-kicking. Option 3: Present yourself. Just bend over, drop your pants and whisper, “Come here big boy.” Most guys will be too insecure about their masculinity to fight you after that. If not…you could be in trouble.
If anyone actually reads this, we will send you a shiny penny. And for reading this sentence, we’ll take our penny back and give you a swift kick in the face.
Page 2, Bitches
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I Want You
To Write for the Weekly Enema Are you looking for a rewarding job with daily challenges, brilliant coworkers and monetary compensation? Well, the Emerald is always hiring...
Hey Kids! Lil’ Squirty Says:
But if you’d rather spend your time working thanklessly for a no-account upstart humor paper, then we humbly suggest this one. The Weekly Enema is now accepting anyone for the following positions:
Never trust a stripper!
You’ll be part of a fast-paced whirlwind of sex, reporting, and drugs best left to Hunter S. Thompson. Just Kidding! You’ll get us coffee, fold our papers, and dress up in a cow suit. It looks good on a resume, we promise. Plus we’ll let you change your title to whatever you want.
Are you proficient with InDesign and Photoshop? Do you rage when you see Comic Sans? Do words like ‘kerning’ and ‘point size’ leave you sexually fulfilled? Join The Weekly Enema design team and make a difference!
Email: Editor@WeeklyEnema.com • 541-728-0929
Stuff White People Like by Christian Lander stuffwhitepeoplelike.com
This week: Frisbee Sports
fired up about a Football game, but alright to get fired up about a Football match. The second sport (term used loosely) in this category is called Ultimate Frisbee or simply Ultimate. It is important to know that when you hear a white person saying: “We should do some ultimate this weekend,” or “I’m so pumped for ultimate,” they are talking about a sport and not an “ultimate solution”-type race war. Though a quick look at a field full of Ultimate Frisbee players might lead one to surmise that an ethnic cleansing had taken place. When you first see the sport being played, you will be struck at how amazingly boring it is. Imagine a field of white people running around Is it pretty much like this? Yeah, it pretty much is. Though many white people consider competitive sports to be too aggressive and macho for their tastes, there are a few exceptions. The most notable is Soccer, since for some reason it is wrong to get
throwing a frisbee and trying to catch it in an “endzone.” Sometimes one person ‘guards’ another (pictured) and that’s the whole game. There is nothing more to explain. If you look a little closer, you will see some surprising things. First, you will never see hippies get more upset than on an Ultimate Frisbee field. It can be jarring to see people who look like they should be playing acoustic guitars yelling at each other about whether or not Blake stepped out of bounds. Secondly, you will notice that Ultimate Frisbee matches are the best place to meet white guys who wear headbands. Fortunately, ultimate frisbee offers a lot of opportunities for personal, professional and financial gain. Since the sport has yet to be integrated, you could command a high fee in terms of money or favors if you agree to join one of the many
white leagues in your area. To a white person, having a diverse Ultimate team is almost as good as winning the championship. Almost. In addition, white people have also created a sport called Frisbee Golf. In this game, you see how many throws it takes to get a disc into a receptacle. There is no other pertinent information about this sport, and it’s only real value is as a cheap date for white people who like to be outside. In any case, if a white person talks to you a sport that you’ve never heard of, do not be afraid to ask some questions. This is because, on average, white people invent a new sport every six weeks. Hacky Sack, Sky Surfing, and group juggling are just a few of the games invented to help white people maximize their time at parks and beaches.
This is no joke:
Page 3: Menswear
Love Doctor Rick Breakin the Ice Love Doctor Rick knows that Cool Cats and Groovy Gals like to get it on every once and again. With Love Doctor Rick’s Love Column, you’ll know that when you flip that groovy switch to on, it’ll be on. Love Doctor Rick is certified Sexism free because you know what else was an ‘ism’? Nazism. And that ain’t cool. The Week’s Topic: Stop Hanging Out and Start Dating!
The Love Doctor doesn’t know why this has started happening, but he knows it needs to stop. Too many cool cats seem to think that ‘hanging out’ is somehow the same thing as dating. Unfortunately it isn’t, and the good doctor has to wonder why there has been such a decrease in dating in favor of ‘hanging out as synonym for penetration’. Don’t get the Love Doctor wrong, there isn’t anything wrong with a casual relationship, but the concept of dating has a place in our culture because it teaches young men and women a lot about themselves. This Love Doctor thinks that there are three important factors at play. 1. Young adults don’t like to commit. This generation is too busy ‘finding’ themselves, working, or partying to actually think about spending time with
someone in anything close to the long term. 2. The Internet has retarded this generation’s social skills. While the Internet has made connecting with people easier, it has also made us lazier at establishing meaningful relationships. If you’re over 18 and you’re still using Facebook applications to let someone know you’re interested in them, well, that brings me to my next point. 3. Men are wusses. Seriously guys, grow a pair. Guys today don’t know how to handle rejection. It’s easier to never take anything seriously—and never have to live through failure or rejection—than man up and make a commitment. Why should guys today date? Dating prepares people for marriage. I’m not advocating that every guy run off and get hitched at a tender, young age, but dating puts people in the mind for marriage. Marriage evokes a family. A family is a responsibility. Responsibility breeds character. Character makes men. If you’re 23, single, and still feel like an adolescent, it’s probably because you still are. So, you’re ready to start dating and stop hanging out. It really is not that hard to get a date. • Asking is easy, it’s just a few simple words. • Not every woman you ask out is going to say yes. Prepare for it, but it isn’t a big deal if she says no. Think about it, you are no worse off for having asked than having not asked. You didn’t have a date then, you don’t have a date now. Nothing has changed. • Just do it, damn it. What are you waiting for?
XKCD by Randall Munroe <www.xkcd.com>
The Jeffryes Report with Bruce Jeffryes Idiots: What You Need to Know Right now, somewhere in the world, stupid people are reproducing and it’s got to stop. You know who these people are. They rear-end you at red lights, hunt wolves from helicopters, and order diet Pepsi. They and their offspring are fucking up our country and we need to do something before it’s too late. “But what can I do?” Well kids, the first step in stopping this sweeping pandemic is understanding the root of the problem. Science is useful, but science is destroying society by allowing stupid people to reproduce. It used to be that when someone was born with half of a brain or somehow managed to remove half of their brain, they died within a week. Now ‘science’ has come up with a million ways to keep these tools alive and reproducing. Don’t think I’m attacking smart people here - far from it. Smart people are all that humanity has going for it. Doc-
tors and scientists, if you’re reading this, go home to your beautiful trophy wives and do your marital duty. For America’s sake. The other major cause for America’s back flip into intellectual mediocrity is the idea that if you’re smart, a career needs to come before children. I admire your dedication, but if reproduction is a race, you’re losing. While you’re out working a career, Jill Dumbshit is out working the football team and popping out babies like you’re popping Adderall. There is only one way to fight this thing and that is to have sex. Lots of sex. Smart Women: Make some time in your busy career and do the world a service by servicing the smart guys of the world. Smart Guys: Please stop hooking up with dumb girls. Yes, its easy, but we both know its no more fulfilling than fisting a jar of mayonnaise.
Dave’s Secretary at Work
So this one time I’m out in my neighbor’s driveway with my best friend Kyle and he’s teaching me how to raise a puck. We’re using a real puck and he’s standing about 15 feet down from me. I keep hitting the puck as hard as I can but I can’t raise it. Kyle is just standing there acting all superior and giving me inane advice and passing the puck back to me each time it slides over to him. Anyway I remember I got all frustrated and decided that this would be it - I was going to raise that fucking puck. So I wind back and take maybe the hardest slapshot of my life. The puck raises magically. Up until this very second neither Kyle or I realize that if I ever did get the puck in the air, Kyle would be in some trouble. Time pretty much slowed down for
me. The puck is a good two feet in the air and is making a bee line for Kyle’s dick. I remember seeing Kyle’s eyes open up very wide, and I seem to recall myself shouting out some obvious instructions about how he needs to step aside right now. Kyle isn’t very bright, and is not paying attention to my instructions. I can see the gears turning in his little brain, as he tries to come up with some sort of solution to the imminent danger he is in. “Step aside, Kyle, step aside!!” I am yelling earnestly. Kyle eyes the puck one last time as it flies a billion miles an hour towards his balls, and at the last minute drops to his knees and takes the fucking thing in the forehead. Knocks him right the fuck out.
The Corner Store Chronicles LEFT-HANDED TOONS by Justin & Drew <www.lefthandedtoons.com>
An insider’s view into the front lines of capitalism By Jacob Hutchins I looked up from my register today to see the crazy mustachioed woman lurking about outside. I could tell that she was waiting for all the other customers to leave so she could come in and be crazy with a minimum of interference. Once inside she wandered around for 20 minutes making unintelligible quacking sounds before
settling on some microwavable chicken nuggets. Then she became confused over cigarettes and couldn’t decide between Marlboro Smooth, the Marlboro Smooth that’s on sale, some other brand that was on sale, or a word I’m pretty sure was imaginary. As she was leaving she told me to “make sure and tell the pizza place the results are good”.
Oh Shit, it’s Page 4!
The Weekly Enema
Overheard this Week:
Virus Comix by Winston Rowntree <www.viruscomix.com>
Springfield tweeker (female): “My boyfriend died two months ago and I’ve only had sex twice since then” Toothless friend (female): “Sheeit.Yeah my brother died like two months ago too. I been gettin’ fucked like erryday though.” “Sorry, sir, I don’t have any change” - Guy in bar. “Don’t call me sir! Call me a filthy hobo!” - Filthy hobo. Middle school girl holding a large water bottle on the bus talking to her friend: “I only got this much vodka. Do you think it will be enough to get me drunk?” “Don’t think that just ‘cause we’re hanging out and you bought me a beer, I’m gonna let you stick it in my pooper.” Overheard something? Send it to email@example.com
Heavenly Horoscopes with Sunflower Goldschmidt
Aries (March 21 -April 19) As you’ll find out about an hour into a tequila-fueled drinking contest with your boyfriend’s frat buddies, ghosts will be your smallest worry this holiday. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Today people will be drawn to your uber-sexiness. Hold a party and watch the parade of people less beautiful than you spill through the door and revel in your glory. Gemini (May 21- June 21) Don’t let your ego go to your head this holiday season. You may think you’re hot shit in your skanky costume, but you could end up being the only one not getting laid.
Cancer (June 21- July 22) Still pining after your secret crush who doesn’t seem to know you exist? Steering clear of the candy would be a good start, fatass.
Leo (July 23 - August 22) Your deeply-held morals may cause you to question this time of year as slightly satanic, but it turns out no one wants to listen to you, so just shut up. Virgo (August 23- September 22) Success is written in the stars for you, so it’s probably cool to do a couple shots before your midterm on Friday. After all, you don’t have to be sober when destiny is on your side.
This Week In Science With Prof. Hutch
Lester B. From Newark writes: What is the difference between a covalent and a non-covalent bond?
Sharon F. From Kansas City writes: What’s the name of that thing that hangs down in the back of your throat?
First, an example of what comes up when you google “covalent bond.” Science is alive and well:
Well Sharon, that’s a very good question. Ancient Egyptians believed it was placed there by Taro-tep, the god of screaming. It is known in scientific circles as “the dangler” and serves no known purpose. So you can go ahead and cut it off.
But to get to your question, Lester, a covalent bond is when two non-linear orbiting bodies with opposite ion thingies converge, sometimes with disastrously unstable results. Also known as “Aflek-Lopez Effect” or “Tabloid fever,” this sort of formation can, and usually does, result in misdemeanors and divorce. Side effects include loss of motor function and the insatiable desire to kill all that you see. Contrarily, a non-covalent bond occurs when the orbiting bodies stay together for the kids, but still hate each other and end up on the “B” list doing exercise infomercials.
What, you thought I couldn’t find a picture of a uvula piercing on the Internet?
Libra (September 23- October 22) This week you will feel the burden of rules and regulations, so you’ll be itchin’ to stick it to the man. People may tell you you’re too old to trick-or-treat, but you’re never too old to get drunk, smash pumpkins, break shit and make little kids cry. Scorpio (October 23- November 21) Will you be seeing scary shit this Halloween? YEAH, you will be. It’s the perfect time to kick off mushroom season, after all. Sagittarius (November 22December 21) Ask Cancers for candy.
DOOM, from page 1 Take a journey with me into the year 2009: Palin on the Senate floor, casting her tying vote to enact McCain’s melanomic policies, those malicious mammaries dictating U.S. law penned in blood and reeking of mothballs. Would-be Democratic uber-executives Barack Obama and Joe Biden meanwhile gape hopelessly, unable to even whisper a vote of “present,” hypnotized by the sight of a beauty pageant runner-up spread-eagle on the Senate floor diddling herself with a hockey stick. America, fuck yeah.
Some still miffed from the 2008 nomination process will turn to Hilary, womankind’s personal lord and savior, to sway Congress back to the left. She’ll march up to Palin with a mighty cackle, wearing nothing but her trademark Goodwill earrings in a futile attempt to re-patriotize the hoards of Dems flocking toward Canada’s shining boarders. Alas, CSPAN broadcast in HD, the Republican ace in the hole. Please Oregon, for the love of sweet Jeebas, Google the copper cans of Lady Liberty and B your L in an American flag. Do ANYTHING but elect this woman’s finger an asymmetrical mole away from the button.
Capricorn (December 22- January 19) As your moon reaches it’s zenith, your mischievous spirit will also reach it’s height. If you want to impersonate a cop and try to arrest people, go ahead! Aquarius (January 20-February 18) Family relations may be tense for you right now. Try to resist the urge to ditch your little brother in a bad part of town dressed as a Catholic schoolgirl. Pisces (February 19- March 20) A blood-soaked killing frenzy through the streets of downtown on Halloween? Please, nothing could be more overdone.
PRINCESS from page 1 Shortly following the television ads will be a media blitz in Iraq, including billboards, leaflets, and even music videos, which the Bush administration believes may become the strongest weapon in the US arsenal. Although details of “Operation Enduring Pain” are unknown, a confidential source said that the overall strategy was to cover all valuable US assets with large-screen plasma TV’s playing Arabic versions of Kia ads on loop. The hope is that Iraqis, much like Americans, will be unable to stand the sight of the Princess and therefore unable to aim at targets. Currently, all US armored elements in Iraq are forgoing extra armor upgrades; instead, each vehicle is being outfitted with three large plasma screen televisions. The screens will play non-stop music videos of the Kiefer Kia Princess’ new album, due out next spring. The first single, “You Owe Zero Down,” should be burning Iraqis’ retinas no later than March. When questioned about the durability of the plasma screens, Colonel Lance Gustafson, commanding officer of Upgrade Operations, said, “We are fully aware that the Iraqis will stop at nothing to eliminate these video screens, but we predict they simply won’t be able to look at them long enough to aim.”
Page 5. If you enter the Temple, turn to page 12
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How To with Jake Sauvageau This Week:
How to Assassinate Your Evil Twin There is a special someone in the world for every one of us. I’m not talking about a soulmate. I’m not talking about the special someone who finishes your sentences, lies in bed with you on Sundays doing the crossword and shaves your back. No, I’m speaking literally about your other half, your doppelgänger, your evil twin. If you’re thinking: “How can that be? I’ve never seen this person before!” Then my answer is well of course you haven’t, dummy. Because then you’d be dead. See, it is your evil twin’s mission to destroy you. Upon birth, it is dictated which twin is evil (determined by goatee, more on that later). The evil twin is then moved to a facility in northern Siberia to train his or her entire life so that he or she can find you and exact his or her revenge for being the twin that no one wanted. If you have friends that are twins now, it is because they were originally born as triplets. (Only one baby per group is ever evil, and then they have to do twice the work) That, or one of the twins is secretly the evil one and is just playing the waiting game. By now, I imagine you’re scared, and justifiably so. More deaths happen at the hands of evil twins than the Iraq war, frat house keggers, Disney amusement rides, and Dharma & Greg episode marathons put together. So you should definitely be on your guard. But first, you have to be
able to identify your evil twin so that you can take care of them before they take care of you. I have laid this out in an easy step-by-step process that anyone can follow. 1: Look in the mirror. Do you have a goatee? If the answer is “no,” then you are not an evil twin. If you do, then it is possible you may be the evil twin. But there is an easy test you can conduct to make sure: Simply shave the goatee off. Does it grow back within half an hour? Then yes, you are an evil twin. Please discontinue reading this article right now. And yes, this does apply to females: Female evil twins do have goatees, but because female facial hair is considered “taboo” in this country (I miss Greece), female evil twins have to keep it trimmed at all times. Guys, have you ever been on a date with a girl and she keeps going to the bathroom? That’s an evil twin keeping her chin pubes in check. Does she go with other females? She is simply part of a sleeper cell of evil twins. 2: Once you have identified that you are not the evil twin, you must surround yourself with security. You may have noticed that many movie stars have bodyguards. This is not because they are worried about the paparazzi, but because they are worried about their evil twin. Once your evil twin kills you, they will assume your identity, start making lousy movies, and collecting what should be your paycheck. (I am fairly confident that Ben Affleck’s evil twin got to him right after Good Will Hunting.) And perhaps you may have noticed that many of those bodyguards sport goatees? That is because they too are evil twins. But have no fear: Only your evil twin wants to kill you, but you gotta make a living somehow in between. I mean, hey, revenge is a very expensive endeavor. See TWIN page 7
This Week in Canada
Meltdown, Meet Smackdown: The Mark Carney Chronicles By Kai Davis Mark Carney, Governor of the Bank kets. Thankfully, with Carney at the helm of Canada, coolest banker in Canada, and of the S. S. Canadian Finance, Canadians total pimp daddy says that he won’t toler- can be assured that their play money will ate any financial institutions that he over- continue to confuse bus drivers across sees approaching bankruptcy because of America. (Mustache has been digitally added. bad investments. Sources say that Mark Carney has Carney is so cool that his real, glorious, personally sworn a vow to seek out and bushy mustache is invisible to cameras) destroy all enemies of the Canadian Dollar. “If you cannot make a judgment (on the value of an asset), you should not own the security,” Carney told a Senate committee right before mounting his motorcycle and riding off to battle the sun for ‘looking at [him] funny.’ Following the nearcollapse of the American financial market, a few eyes have turned to Canada worrying how big of an effect the collapse would have in nearby international mar- Mark Carney, AKA The Harshness
Don’t let this be you!
Page 6, not that you asked
The Weekly Enema
TWIN, from page 6 3: Learn some sort of defense art. Perhaps Brazilian Jujitsu or some of that Muy Thai boxing. Because Karate is just a bunch of showy crap. Get some sort of training that will allow you to take your evil twin down quickly and efficiently, at which point you can break a few bones. Or if you’re lazy and would prefer to drink beer instead, just pack some heat. 4: Watch your Facebook and Myspace accounts. In our new world of technology, it is much easier for your evil twin to find you. Did you get a friend request from a handsome individual who looks a lot like you, but with a goatee? I know you’re trying to hit that one million-friend mark, but trust me: Hit “Deny.” Better yet, hit the “Spam” button. Remember, if your evil twin kills you, they get your life. And that includes your 900,748 friends, including the 14 you actually know. 5: Your evil twin can come at any time, but it is a proven fact that they prefer to attack in adverse weather conditions. This is disheartening for us in Oregon, as anytime between September and June is an adverse weather condition. Be ready at all times, and always watch your back. If this is too much stress for you, consider moving to Southern California or the Spainish Main, where there are only about two and a half adverse days a year, and you can easily spend that time with some pretzels and a good Nora Roberts novel. 6: Once your evil twin finally does catch up with you (and believe me, he or she will), your best tactic is a strong offense. Attack quickly, and attack hard. Remember, while your evil twin has been training his or her whole life, dreaming of killing you every night, and now has the element of surprise, you do have those three martial arts classes you took to get your fuchsia belt. Oh, and that gun, if you bought it. Who knows? You might win. Maybe. 7: Once you have bested your evil twin (or made friends with him or her, as the Olsens did) you are free to no longer live in fear. Dispose of the body, or if you really want to freak your friends out, shave off the goatee and make it look like you got in a tragic freak naked Twister accident. Then live your life. If you’re asking “what if I can’t afford bodyguards, fighting lessons, and a gun?” Have no worries. You probably have a shitty life that your evil twin doesn’t want anyway.
Welcome to Ethanology! The purpose of this column is to educate the general public about beer, wine, spirits and cocktails as well as promote craft bartending as an industry standard. On that note, let’s drink some booze! Today, we will be talking about Bavarian Hefeweizen. Here in Eugene, you may be familiar with weizens from such breweries as Pramid, Widmer, and Oakshire (formerly known as Willamette). Although these brewieries do technically produce hefewezens, they are quite different from their Bavarian counterparts. Bavarians typically refer to hefeweizen, literally meaning yeast-wheat, as “Weissbier,” which just means white-beer. Weissbier is top-fermented, as is all German beer according to the Reinheitsgebot (purity laws) of 1516. When drafted, German purity laws also required that only water, hops, and barley be used for ingredients. Now the law makes room for yeast and wheat as well. The law originally came into existence as a way of keeping bread affordable by preventing competition between brewers and bakers for wheat and rye. Today, it has helped create some of the most delicious and pure beer available. Weissbiers are not bitter at all com-
pared to other beer. Most Weissbiers top out at around 15-20 on the International Bitterness Unit (IBU) scale while our India Pale Ales can easily reach 40-45. Weissbiers also tend to be very foamy due to their high level of carbonation (up to 7 grams per liter) and the even higher level of protein from the wheat malt. The fermentation of Weissbier creates by-products whose chemical structure lingers as an aroma or even a subtle overtone. The by-product Amyl Acetate tastes like bananas while another phenolic compound created smells and tastes just like cloves. There are many excellent Bavarian Weissbiers available just a short walk away from your house. A few German brews that are easy to find locally include Weltenberger, Paulaner, and my favorite: Franziskaner. Another brewery worth checking out is Weihenstephan (if not for their delicious beer, then at least because they are the oldest brewery in the world: 1040 A.D.). The least expensive way to purchase many of these beers is at Capella (Willamette and 24th) and in the back fridge at Hilyard Street Market (Hilyard and 17th). If you would like to see them at a bar, you are limited to the Bierstein. While you are in there, try some of
the other nine hundred beers they have stocked. The proper way to pour a Weissbier is to carefully pour the beer into a weizen glass (see the picture) at a 45 degree angle until just under the half liter mark. Then set the beer on its side and roll it back and forth to get the remaining yeast off the inside of the bottle. You can even shake it a little at this point before you pour the rest out into the glass. You will notice that the remaining head is a little darker. This is because it is very rich in yeast. If done correctly, the glass will be full with between one and two inches of head at the top. This is called a “master pour.” A couple of things to note is that the outside of the bottle should never come in contact with the weizen glass or the beer as it may be unclean. Also, you will notice that in the United States, it is common for bartenders to put a lemon slice on the glass for garnish but this is actually incorrect as it dissipates the head. Cheers.
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Page 7. Move along, nothing to see here
University to Remove Guesswork, Freedom from Class Registration In an effort to continually provide students with the maximum amount of frustration during class registration, the Office of the Registrar announced the latest innovation in registration for the coming quarter. Barry Shmee, lead registrar for the University of Oregon, explained that from now on, students won’t need to worry about planning their academic schedules. “We’ve got it all mapped out for them!” he said, holding up a copy of Ta-Da Magazine - a publication for and by gay magicians.
and he ended up with a D- because his head actually caught on fire during the final, will finally get some “butts in the seats,” said Shmee. Here’s how it will work: UO students will receive a schedule in the mail the week before the quarter begins. The office of the Registrar will assign classes according to the following criteria: class availability, the weather, what the registrar had for lunch, and their least favorite color. At the end of five or six years, the student will then gather up all of their classes and see what degree they qualify for. “I think it’s awesome!” said four time freshman Alex Kelsherbean. “I have no idea what I want to study! I’m so excited to see what the UO decides I’m going to be when I grow up!” There has been a positive response from the teacher’s lounge as well. Professor Phil Huward said, “Look, we all know undergrads are just a pool of free data-gatherers. What do they know about their future anyway? As long as they’re looking stuff up for me it’s all good. Daddy’s gotta get published, baby!” Shmee assures us that the new program will pay dividends very quickly. “Under the current system, I work almost fifty hours a week during registration periods patching software and organizing classrooms. With the new program, I shouldn’t have to come in more than three days a week!” It’s a bold move “Students can never get the classes in the halls of academia as well as the they want anyway! Under the new pro- University’s pocketbook. The school gram, the Office of the Registrar will stands to save more than fifty dollars per simply assign classes. This will elimi- quarter by eliminating the license agreenate overloads, wait lists, add codes, the ment with the auto registration software whole shebang! It’s very exciting.” company. President David ‘Log Cabin’ Shmee went on to explain that with Frohnmayer had this to say, “What...? a student body population approach- Well, what do the minorities think about ing 900,000, there is simply not enough it? Can we get another research grant...? room to accommodate personal prefer- Oh, well then, whatever.” ence. Classes popular for their low diffiGood point, Mr. President. Innoculty and slack professors such as “Name vations such as these are common at Spelling 100,” “Touch Your Nose, Touch forwarding-thinking institutions like Your Toes 112,” the University and the entire of Oregon. We Communicacan, no doubt, tions Departlook forward to ment curriculum more changes have a history that promise to of a surplus of squeeze every students. On the last dime from other hand, Dr. the pockets of A z z b r i c k e r ’s UO students “Rocket Surgery while guarantee499,” a class that ing a minimal for the past four amount of intelyears has had lectual return. only one student Freshmen students Jay Berheusen and Alec Halber think freedom of choice is overrated
DINO COMICS by Ryan North <qwantz.com>
What the FAQ? In Which All Your Questions Are Answered What’s with the name? Well, we believe that University Students suffer compacted bowels from an overdose of mainstream news. The only cure is a nice, refreshing, weekly, FDA approved enema of humor. But you guys come out every other week. That isn’t a question. Why do you guys come out every other week if you’re named The Weekly Enema? Well, I could spout some crap about how we’re over worked, underpaid, and college students who are managing this endeavor in addition to other business, side projects, and affairs of enormous girth, but mostly we just hate you. Wait, do you guys think you’re funny or something? The nameplate is ironic and we’re a hipster magazine. Gawd. How do I, an enthusiastic Writer / Artist / Marketer / Ad Manager / Hot Supermodel of any Sex (pick two) apply to work on this fine, bi-weekly periodical? I’m glad you asked! Simply send an email to email@example.com with your listed next of kin and an optional headshot and we’ll get back to you! What do you guys do in your spare time? We’re all college students and recent graduates. We mostly sit around and think of new ways to recycle the same old, boring jokes that everyone and their mom got tired of in 3rd grade. Do you draw all of these comics? I wish! They are all ‘web comics’ or comics that are published for free online. Feel free to go to their sites, send them an email telling them how happy you are that you found them through The Weekly Enema, and buy a shirt. Heck, buy us a shirt too. What made you guys start this paper? We had some time, ink and paper on hand. The rest, as they say, was magic. I laughed! I cried! I want more! What can I do? Check out our website, weeklyenema.com, for semi-often updated news, reviews, and snark straight from the Internet to your brain. I like my updates short and meaningless. Can you help? Sure thing. @weeklyenema on Twitter. So, I’m naked and wish I had some awesome Weekly Enema branded clothing to cover my sexy body with. Can you help? Weekly Enema t-shirts and fanny packs are forthcoming. If you’d like to preorder a t-shirt, send a $10 check to The Weekly Enema / Suite 51433 30 East 33rd / Eugene, Oregon, 97405. If you’d like to preorder a fanny pack, god help us all. Dude, I’m in a band, dude. Can you, like, tell people about our show and stuff? Sure! Send an email to firstname.lastname@example.org and we’ll work something out. Can we hang out? Totally! We hold semi-frequent drinkups at Pegasus Pizza and Max’s. The next one is November 1st, 6pm, at Max’s near campus. If you’re still hungover and wearing your halloween costume, well, we will be too.
Beatin’ Up The Mix
Water Tower String Band The Water Tower String Band, originally from Portland, now calling Eugene home, creates an intoxicating presentation of established bluegrass, old-time and folk tunes with a time-honored, yet modern sound. On their 2008 debut album The Squid and the Fiddle, this experienced foursome covers traditional folk and old-time songs in a way that fans of the genre and non-fans alike can easily listen and enjoy. You may have seen Water Tower playing on campus, on downtown street corners or places like World Café, Sam Bond’s Garage or the Wandering Goat. If so, you’ve seen the chemistry that the multi-instrumental members have in their smooth flowing improvisations and vocal harmo-
nies, not to mention the symbiosis in which the guitar, upright bass, mandolin, banjo and fiddle work together. Don’t be fooled by the band’s tendency (or preference) to play street corners, as they do have an impressive resume, having brought their unique recreations and original songs to Seattle’s Folklife Festival, Portland and Olympia OldTime Gathering, and in February 2009, playing at San Francisco’s Bluegrass and Old-Time Festival. If you get the chance to catch Water Tower, don’t pass up this boot-stompin’ good time. You can buy their album at www.cdbaby.com (out of Portland), and go to their website at www.myspace.com/watertowerstringband.
Page 8. Can it be over so soon?
The Weekly Enema
The third issue of Volume 2 of The Comic Press