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ONE-LINERS SETUP: United through a Facebook meme group, students from elite colleges all over the country recently wrote a parody of the hit musical Hamilton about Jeb Bush’s failed presidential run. PAYOFF: While the collaborators’ parents are still trying to figure out what some of those words mean, they still know to feel some degree of shame. TICKER: The future of America. SETUP: The Center for Work and Service underwent a restructuring over the summer. PAYOFF: The newly-christened Career Education Center features assigned career mentors, a new online platform, and even more offices to cry in. TICKER: The Artist Formerly Known as CWS SETUP: Halloween is over. PAYOFF: So, America, you can take your decorations down now...no? Really? Sticking with those? Fuck. IMAGE: Trump lawn signs TICKER: Throw out your moldy Trumpkins SETUP: Admissions decisions for the class of 2020 were released on March 21st. PAYOFF: The incoming first-year class already has a GroupMe, a student-made roommate questionnaire, and probably lots of Ivy waitlistings. TICKER: Come here; we have ice cream. SETUP: It’s cultural show season. PAYOFF: If you’re upset by the lack of a white cultural show, might we recommend...the Ville? TICKER: Refreshments by Starbucks, show @ The Gap.


Skeldon

S9E1 SPONSOR COMMERCIAL Episode Link New English Course: Critical Text Interpretation (We open on a Founders seminar room. Students chat and rustle through their bags, preparing for class to start. After a few beats, t​he class quiets as the prof begins) Prof: Okay, what did everyone think of the readings? (The class murmurs a bit.) Student 1: There were some really confusing sections. Like, I really didn’t know what to think of them. (Several students nod in agreement) Prof: Okay, let’s dig into some of the more challenging ones. Let’s take a look at page 21. (Students flip to the page) Prof: Can I get a volunteer to read? (STUDENT 2 begins reading) Student 2 (reading): “Sarah: So, what’s up Friday? Smiley face. Matt: Dunno yet. Sarah: When will you know? Matt: idk.” (​NOTE: it’d be maybe super cool if text message graphics could appear below, spelling all this out as it’s read?) (contemplative silence) Student 3: I think Matt actually knows what he’s doing, and he’s just lazy.


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Student 4: He totally does know, he just doesn’t want to see Sarah. Student 5: Maybe he honestly just doesn’t know. I feel like he’s the clueless, go-with-the-flow type. Professor: Okay, let’s take this apart. (The professor stands and starts writing on the board. Some light music fades in as the professor begins writing various phrases from the exchange on the board:”idk,” “Dunno,” “What’s up?” and maybe draws some emojis) VO: This fall, the English Department brings you a class that’s actually applicable to the real world: ENG 169, Critical Text Interpretation. (Students give testimonials; a ticker says “Student Testimonials.” The ticker will also display a name, college, and class year for each student (this is mostly for the benefit of the Olin student gag). Any students can say the following lines; the numbers don’t have to match the numbers in the above scene.) Student 2: I think being able to understand what guys mean when they text has made me a more effective communicator. Student 3: This was the best possible way to fulfill my Language and Literature requirement. The readings were so short! Babson/Olin Guy (Ticker: Adrian Sanchez, Olin 2018: ​(stares) I learned a lot. ​(goes back to avidly taking notes. sketchy silence) Student 4: My final paper on whether Dylan actually wanted Caitlin to come over is the best thing I’ve ever written here. Prof (stares at camera with dead eyes): They canceled my Joyce seminar so I could teach ​this.


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(Prof holds up a reading; the camera zooms in on “Josh: Do u wanna hang out sometime”. Beat.) (Back in the classroom, a student reads a new section of the reading) Student 3: “Rob: Hey u up? Emily: Yeah, why? Rob: idk just thought we should talk.” Professor (agitated and sighing): Does anyone have any solid reads on this? Student 4 (turning to camera and winking, confidently): I do ;)


Skeldon

S9E5 Sponsor Commercial Episode Link Dorm Shopping Network Open on Dorm Shopping Network host in living room/kitchen setting. HOST: Hello! Welcome to the Dorm Shopping Network, where we strive to fulfill all of your holiday shopping needs. Shots of innocent little first-year shivering in summer clothing/warmer region clothing. Host VO: Are you looking for something for that special first-year? Back to host in studio. Host: Well, look no further! Because we have what every first-year needs. Host’s Assistant in skimpy party dress and Santa hat carries out a stuffed animal and scarf. Host: Appeal to your first-year’s need for warmth and affirmation with this scarf/chill-out bear set. Cut to first-year cuddling stuffed animal, wearing scarf. First-year hugs bear and it says “do-less.” First year does overly dramatic thumbs up. Back to Host. Host: How about the globetrotting junior in your life? Shot of Junior frantically trying to pack up room. Back to studio Host: We’ve got something for them! Assistant pops out of storage bin.


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Junior in room happily packs bin, but fills it and then realizes they have nowhere to store it. Host VO: Your friend may not have any college-allotted storage space for when they go abroad, but at least they can stay super organized with this lovely storage bin! Back to Host Host: Finally, do you need a gift for that slacking senior? Over-the-shoulder shot of senior...who seems to be studying. Shot changes to a frontal close-up, where we see she’s actually making pencil walrus tusks. Host VO: We’ve got the perfect solution! Back to Host Host: Introducing, the senior sticker chart! Super cheesy pan, super Home Shopping Network, down the sticker chart: there are rows for Going to a Class, Taking a Shower, Glancing at Your Résumé, Contemplating Life After Wellesley, Writing Name on Paper, Choosing Font Size for Paper, Giving Paper a File Name, Remembering Day of the Week, Eating a Vegetable, Eating a Vegetable that Isn’t Pizza, Calling Your Professor the Right Name, Going to Org Meeting Sober, Changing Underwear. Host VO: Nothing quite says “Women Who Will” like a sticker chart that proves yes, you did! Senior rolls out of bed, looks at chart with sad smattering of stickers, and pulls up beer bottle from under the bed and takes a swig. Back to Host. Host: Well, that’s all the time we have today! We hope we’ve solved your holiday shopping problems. To order any of these fine gifts, call 781-283Host is cut-off by message over fake ear piece.


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Host: Oh, um, sophomores! Yeah. Um, we have something for them as well? I think? Assistant brings out a dining hall cup containing health service condoms and tampons and dining hall silverware. Maybe a health service brochure and some Bates hard candy. Host (forced): Show your sophomore how much you truly care about them! And that you totally remembered to get them something ahead of time. Host pulls DISORIENTED SOPHOMORE into frame from off-camera, hands her the cup, and pats her on the back, pointing her off-camera. She leaves. Host: So, that’s that! Come back next semester when we show you professor gifts that are only a little bit bribey!


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