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this month 4/5 GREEN AROUND... barbecue time!

9 ANDREA BURNS... capital gains tax

11 LIVING THE LIFE... Expat experiences

DA-DA DING, DA-DING, DA DING, DA DING… …or whatever happened to the ‘Party Seven’?

our house, in other words someone else did all

It’s party season in Spain - or in other words, summer

the cooking, but as the evening had just got into full

– time for us all to enjoy the weather and welcome

swing, so did Sod’s law with all its might, and i

visitors and regulars back to our little patch of Spain.

realised i didn’t have enough booze or chicken wings,

However, be warned as at this time of year the cold

or jelly, just as the shops had shut their doors for the

17 URB LIFE...

drinks flow a lot more freely…while the traffic doesn’t.

night. Then i got the light bulb going off in my head as

And, dear visitor, remember the vest salesman runs

I remembered the 24 hour shop down the road…and

19 PUZZLES...

out of stock quickly, so get in there sharpish.

then on arrival, at its shuttered front door, I realised

Grey matter workout...

It’s the season where a ‘quiet’ drink on the terrace

that this is Spain – and the 24 hour shop shuts at

21 RAQUEL BALLESTER

with friends ends in a full-on session and ‘that’ bottle

eleven…

13 ASK THE LAWYER... property taxes

17 NATURE... the isle of dogs

Urb news and events

is pulled out – the one with

Still…who’d have thought that

the unknown dead insect

after ten years in Spain I’d still

in it that is used as fuel

be distributing mags…? Some,

in most other countries.

(family and close friends

33 ANOTHER DAY IN SPAIN...

By the time you’ve had

mainly) thought that was my

a couple of glasses and

destiny in life – although I

37 LIVING WITH AN IDIOT...

devoured a few cold

think they believed I was more

a dog’s tale

drumsticks - the world

likely to be handing out the Big

41 MOTORING.

becomes a wonderful place

Issue than working on JD…

and everyone, including the

p.s.

host’s dog, is a ‘luvverly’

Does anyone know how to get

person – with a ‘heart

the banjo tune from the film

o’ gold’. But you know

‘Deliverance’ out of my head….

you’ve had a good time the

please…? I can’t help whistling

can’t sell?

24/5 LOCAL MARKETS... where to go & buy life in spain

The right way of doing it...

43 COMPUTERS... Are you lost...?

45

FUN FROM THE CAMPO...

Jokes, jokes and er...jokes

&

night before (particularly

it and people are starting to

49 PUZZLES

if you can’t remember) when you go to do your bit

point at me and laugh …again…parents can be so

brain workout

for the environment at the bottle bank the next

cruel, don’t you think…?

55 HOROSCOPES..

morning and you’re there for fifteen minutes disposing

p.p.s We’ve put our ‘sound of the summer’ on the

of the empties. Somehow though it’s just not the

website, check it out for a great tune remember

same without a Party Seven is it? But another sign

2010 by....unless, of course, you’re not keen on the

of a (successful?) eventful evening the night before

Nolans…? (that’s a joke by the way).

is when you see someone you do recognise doing

Read on and enjoy… Dave

Is it in uranus?

62 BUSINESS DIRECTORY...

All the businesses you’ll need!

and much much more

something you don’t recognise to someone who should know better…We had one and it was a typical bash at

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3


GREEN AROUND the GRILLS How to cook the perfect fish on the barbecue…and how to get bladdered doing it. By Dave Bull

So it’s that time of year when we’re scrambling around making last minute preparations for the beer fuelled, grilled meat decathlon that is also known as a barbecue. And as grilling something, until it is either crunchy or working its way through the grill to end up in the coals, is the ultimate display of all things a man can do…er…best , your grill should be a reflection of yourself – and excessively manly – see pic. That aside we get down to the serious business of cooking the superb fish that we’ve featured in our series of articles covering the Med’s most important fishing port- Santa Pola. Whose fleet, you may have noticed, was not allowed to leave the port for the whole of July…to give the fish a month off to do what they do, I guess. Anyway, when we barbecue fish, there is a general (well-founded in my case) fear that all the fish will end at the bottom of your barbecue as opposed to those well-presented pictures in any recipe book. What you really want to do is to have the whole piece still resembling a fish at the end of the process rather than one that could be road kill – if fish could walk…. So how does one get that delicious barbequed fish, just right? How do you prevent your fish from sticking to the grill and falling apart? Read on fellow barbecuers because below we’ve put together a simple recipe and guide to having a great barbecue this summer. You may also want to look your best at your next barbecue and next month we’ll be running an article on where best to buy that Hawaiian shirt…not So…back to cooking your fish and the problem of releasing the stubborn sea life once you’ve got it on the grill. Apparently according to local fish chef, Jorge Campillo, the main reason why food sticks to the barbecue grill and/or falls apart is that the grill is not hot enough when the food is placed on it. Jorge

4

explained that in order to cook well we need to get the grill hot enough to not only produce the aromatic sizzling sound but also so it will stay hot during the whole cooking process. Secondly, you need to ensure that your grill is clean and not gunked up with last year’s remnants of a pork chop as that will also make the fish stick, and probably kill you… Keeping a clean grill will reduce the chances of your fish sticking…and impress the Mrs Fish normally do not take long to cook and us fellas (believe or not ladies…) tend to overcook it occasionally causing it to dry out and rather than the deliciously juicy flesh we have something akin to a fish scratching. To make sure that you don’t over cook your fish, preferably don’t use frozen fish, and when you come to cook it make sure it is at a cool temperature but not cold. Try not to use frozen fish at all if you can help it as fish loses its subtle texture and taste when frozen.

Fish Tossing… Tossing your fish is like cooking a good piece of steak, you toss it only once. The tendency is not only to toss more than once (we men tend to be tossing too much at times) but trying to lift it up to see whether it is cooked but this can be a recipe for disaster. The best way from avoiding this rather uncontrollable tendency is to use a timer and when it goes off – then start tossing… Fresh sardines from Santa Pola make are delicious barbecued and they can’t be compared to the canned variety. Plus, they do not take long to cook and following the Spanish tradition, there is no need to gut sardines, making this a very easy process. Barbecued sardines go well with white wine…or beer, cider, cocktails or white lightening – depending on your budget.Sardines (amount as needed)

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It’s BARBECUE time! ‘ow to cook ‘em

Sardines (amount as needed) Coarse sea salt Lemon to garnish Shallot and fresh herbs (optional) if making garnish described under "Tips" Salad with spicy dressing for accompaniment White wine for accompaniment 1 - Select small sardines. These tend to be tastier than the larger ones. 2 - Salt the sardines - ensure that each sardine has a generous covering of salt. 3 - Leave sardines under the salt for half an hour. 4 - Transfer sardines to the barbecue. 5 - Barbecue the sardines. Keep a constant eye on them - they must not burn (much?). 6 - Remove the sardines from the barbecue when the silver colour has turned to golden brown (about 2 - 3 minutes). Discard any burned sardinesunless that’s all of them…. 7 - Serve (and eat) immediately. Garnish with slices of lemon or shallots and herbs

Cooking tip.

A good rule of thumb for cooking fish is 10 minutes per inch thickness (should be measured by a woman as us blokes have a tendency to exaggerate…) The other trick is to always place the skin side face down first (if the skin is retained and this is the recommended way of cooking fish in a barbecue as it helps to hold the flesh together). It also adds the crispy texture to the fish. Every barbecue should have Mojitos, like every birthday party must have jelly so below we’ve given you a quick guide to making your very own Mojitos that can be delicious with or without rum in them, (but more effective

with…) these fizzy Cuban cocktails are made with fresh lime juice, club soda, and mint sprigs and there’s nothing better than to cool off with this fresh mint-flavoured speechimpeder.

MOJITOS

Makes 4 cups; 6 to 8 servings Ingredients 2 cups light rum 1 cup mint syrup 1 cup lime juice Ice cubes Fresh mint leaves, rinsed Preparation You need to be moving your hips around like a Cuban dancer while you do this, so as you sway like Shakira grab a jug (at least 2 litre) and combine rum, the mint syrup, and lime juice- adding about 2 cups of ice cubes - and pour into ice-filled glasses and garnish with mint leaves – then sit back, relax and enjoy….cos you won’t remember later. And how about some truly fresh veg? Why not add the perfect accompaniment to your barbecue with fresh local veg too. Our inland readers will know just how fresh that is but also our markets have a plentiful supply of good quality (and fresh) veg that isn’t wrapped in plastic. For fresh fruits and vegetables, the best places to shop are the markets (see this month’s feature on markets in

our region), produce stores, and the locally-grown produce available direct from farms. Not only does it tend to be fresher, it is also retains more nutrients. For example, spinach losses half of its nutrient content eight days after being harvested…just think what Popeye could have done if he didn’t get it from a can…?

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CAPITAL GAINS TAX If you are in the process of selling your house at the moment, this article will provide some useful information for you. The capital gains are taxed at 19% for nonresidents and residents alike. Before you grap your heart, be glad you did not sell a couple of years ago, because it was at 35% for nonresidents before! The only difference between residents and nonresidents here is the time frame in which this payment has to be made. Residents declare the said tax in their annual income tax declaration, in the year following the sale, whereas non-residents have a deadline of 4 months from the date of sale. It has to be understood that you will be taxed on the net profit made on the property. Expenses that will be taken into consideration are those directly related to the house but not the household and only official invoices will be accepted.

andrea burns

QUALIFIED GESTORA

SPANISH PROBATE/INHERITANCES SPANISH WILLS CONVEYANCING POWER OF ATTORNEY

Fiscal help...

The most important expenses will be those that you had at the time of purchasing and selling. At the time of purchasing you will have paid VAT, notary and land registry fees and the professional that undertook the conveyancing will have provided you with the invoices, most likely along with your copy of the deed. You will also have expenses at the time of selling, i.e. plusvalía (ground rates) and agent’s fees. Those will also be taken into consideration. If you had inherited the property, or your late partner’s share, the expenses related to the inheritance will also be deducted from the profit made.

Please bear in mind that along with the capital gains tax declaration the tax office requires proof of your wealth and income tax payments made as a non-resident. And finally, if you are entitled to a refund (from the taxes retained if you are a non-resident) please do not cancel your Spanish bank account. Refunds will be made only to a Spanish account held by the tax-payer. This is meant as a helpful guideline only. You will need to engage a professional for the CGT declaration and agents usually do not provide this service. For further help you’ll find my contact details next to this article.

NOTARY DEEDS PRIVATE SALES CONTRACTS FISCAL REPRESENTATION CAPITAL GAINS TAX NON-RESIDENTS' INCOME TAX N.I.E. NUMBERS RESIDENCE CERTIFICATES URB. DON PUEBLO II BW 140 GRAN ALACANT 96 669 7824 or 639 608 969 ANDREABURNS@ORANGE.ES ‘SINCE 1991’

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STAY HEALTHY – DON’T DUCK OUT

A recent survey informs us that many of the foreigners (especially the Brits) have taken to exercising, specifically walking, since they have made the move to Spain. You only have to look around the Urb’s and you’ll see them waddling around like pink Ducks with

CLOSE ENCOUNTERS OF ANY OLD KIND It’s all the fault of Jason, from Cannock. A ‘Drums’ reader who has a place in Gran Alacant, and had apparently read some of the rubbish I write, I caught him being chatted up by my wife in a moderately ‘fawlty’ hotel (they served us totally inedible battered swordfish) near Doncaster. It got me thinking about happenstance, and the ‘it’s a small world’ sort of meetings I’ve had in the eighteen years I’ve lived on the Costa Blanca. I’ve met, for instance, three people who went to my school, a guy who went birding with my Dad, and how about this for a coincidence? Some folk I got to know through a mutual interest in birds came to our house. Mel looked at our range of family photos, and said, ‘I know her.’ ‘But that’s my daughter,’ said I. It turned out he had worked with her ex-husband for some twenty years! Another birding friend turns out to be the son of someone I once went birding with, a million years ago – and I had never met the guy until he came to live in Oliva. I suppose it’s not that amazing that you meet people who share your interest and with whom you share aquaintances, especially in a tight-knit world such as birding, after all. But then, what aare the odds against someone you once played table-tennis against in the league, donkeys’ years ago, coming up to you and saying, ‘Don’t I know you?’ That has happened to me not once, but twice. (And I don’t think I’m a very distinctive-looking bloke!) You also meet moderately – or even very – famous people, who have settled here. I once met my schoolboy hero, Doncaster Rovers footballer Alick Jeffrey, who had, previously unbeknown to me, a pub in Benidorm. He’s now, sadly, no longer with us. I wrote insurance policies for a famous footballer, a famous soap opera star – so famous, in fact, that I’d never heard of him, and still don’t have a clue what programme he stars in! I also gave attention to guy who had the worst job in cricket – that of understudy to ever-present Yorkshire wicketkeeper Jimmy Binks.

10

vests. Cheeks puffed out and a sweatband on their wrist they don’t often get much further than the first bar they come across and it is there they can ‘get out of this heat’ and rest up for a while….with a beer. The same happens on the return journey when possibly two more pints are sunk before Daffy waddles back down the hill and looks forward the cool air-conned house that was left on earlier in preparation for his return. And the fridge. For in the

fridge lie more beers, and possibly that half a cow that Daffy couldn’t quite find space for last night. It looks good – all these people getting out in the fresh air, leaving their old life back in the UK and thinking, for once about their health….or it could it be that most of them have lost their licence to drink-driving since their arrival…..or am I just being a git…?

The incredibly popular expat forums in Spain are a source or valuable info, advice and of course, gossip. JD editor Dave Bull spoke to Hans Hamers who setup one of the most popular forums on the Costa Blanca – The Gran Alacant Plaza used to work with the big mainframes of industrial businesses. Since end nineties I'm working for a local government in Holland as a system administrator and IT manager (technical). In 2015 the Dutch municipality will become the main portals for all federal government transactions. Except this time consuming job my interests are personal computing, listening to music, photography and all kind of spiritual matters, which I'm involved in since the early eighties. Of course my family is also very important. We have a daughter of 16 and two elder children with together four grandchildren. In the near future my wife and I will spend some more time in Gran Alacant. For us it is a perfect place to escape from the cold winters in Holland. The location, near the sea, Santa Pola, Alicante and Elche, is one of the reasons we choose Gran Alacant as a second home place. What’s the biggest problem with running a forum? So Hans, how did you come up with the idea for the forum, which as we know, is extremely popular in GA? It all started in 2002. My wife and I are living in Holland and we had bought a nice apartment in the Novamar urbanization. We used the website of TM, the construction company, to follow the building process, but we were curious about the developing of the whole Gran Alacant area. One day I was playing with some bulletin board software for a new webserver. In the end of the eighties I used to own one of the biggest Chat Bulletin Board Systems in Holland with 17 physical telephone lines (Pompeii BBS). So I thought, why not set up a forum website for new buyers in Gran Alacant? Was it difficult to set up? Not at all, but it took a few weeks before the first visitor arrived. I became very excited when two or three visitors came online simultaneously. What surprised me is that, after some time, the forum became more and more an English matter. I had never expected that, because the TM urbanizations are a mix of Spanish and European people, what made Gran Alacant special attractive to us. In February 2004 I changed the forum to a portal version which I had to replace in May 2006. The server with the old software was not capable anymore to handle the amount of visitors. Since then I'm using the professional vBulletin Software for the forum. Within a few weeks a major upgrade will take place again. Gran Alacant Plaza will be extended with articles again and blogs of users. I'm glad Jungle Drums is prepared to deliver news items for the new site. Together we can make a difference! Tell us a bit about yourself – Other jobs, interests? Why GA? I have been in the IT business all my working life. I

ask@thejungledrums.com

Well, after a hard day’s work I don't always find the time to interfere with the forum matters. Top priority is to manage it technically, but sometimes I'm having difficulties to follow all the discussions on the board and answer all the mail within a reasonable time. Time is the biggest problem in my life I suppose... There are other forums around I see but you seem to stay out in front – why is that? Freedom of speech is very important to me. When Gran Alacant began to grow, the Plaza started to be a channel between the residents. Quarrels between real people became public. I had to ban some users and the dream world of the Plaza disappeared. Nowadays Gran Alacant Plaza is a real community channel for the people in Spain and England and discussions are not narrowed to the buses time table in GA but are also about Brown and Cameron. I'm following the needs of the users. A fight now and then is part of daily business, but I don't want to act as a police officer. Call it a Dutch approach, but I'm convinced in virtual world you cannot stop people in the real world. They will find other ways, forums (Torrevieja, Chicken Wings) and opportunities to express their opinion. And that is very valuable. I don't like hidden agendas and I like to hear what people are thinking. On the Plaza you can ignore a user you don't like. The Jungle Drums would like to thank Hans for his time – and for paying for the coffees! But also thank him for giving us, the residents of GA, a really useful source of info and advice with the forum. Hans Hamers and JD editor Dave Bull are proud to announce that they will be working closely in the future to bring the very best info, news, advice and fun to the good folks of GA! Watch these spaces!


To let or not to let ?

in a mess

A JD reader’s experience is a warning to others

and had been for some 3 years was in the front garden and was in tatters. There

had

not

been a mark on

Firstly, let’s get this straight, when I mention ‘mess’

Home owner in Spain? Yes. Economic downturn? Yes.

it when we left it.

it doesn’t mean I’m not going to go on about the

Can’t afford to come to Spain as often? Yes. Makes

The fans in the

Spanish legal system (which is in a mess) or the

sense to let the property out????NO NO NO NO.

lounge

Spanish bureaucracy (which is also a mess), or local

Why?????????

filthy,

politics (which is in the shit) but will I want to say

The story begins. Some seven or eight years ago we

dirt as were the voils

is what a bloody mess the place is. Litter, rubbish,

went on an Atlas inspection trip with our cousin. Many

and the windows. We couldn’t find our

dead cow you name it, it’s there somewhere on the

people dream of having a home abroad and we felt

toaster, iron, kettle, dishes and other ornaments and

side of a road near you... If you live in luxury, over-

that we may be able to actually live the dream. We

pots. We complained to the letting agent and she

looking the surf and the serfs, then you can stop

worked really hard to pay for it doing without holidays

came round with the itinerary and said she didn’t

reading now as this will not apply to you. If you own

and treats and saving every penny besides what we

know where they were but she’d remembered

the mountain you live on, you too can put this book

had already saved. We eventually managed to buy

that there was no toaster when she went through

down now and go and whip a slave or something. If

a house without getting a mortgage. We bought

the itinerary with the tenant when they first moved

you’re rich and lonely and possibly not long for this

off plan and waited for fifteen long months until

in. The next day we went out and bought an iron.

planet…call me, I’ll be your friend.

we finally got the keys to our beautiful property in

That night we went into the basement to bring up

Spain. It was a dream come true for us. The furniture

some of the things we had stored in the basement

The place is filthy, which is in direct contrast to the

packages offered by Atlas were very nice but lots of

and underneath our boxes were two other boxes

Spanish - who are fastidious about keeping a clean

people were going to have the same so we opted

that we’d not noticed that were not the same as our

house and still wash down the doorstep and pave-

to buy good quality furniture that was special to us

boxes. The tenants had boxed some of our things

ments outside of their town houses. But get them

and reflected our taste and personalities. We came

up so that they could use their own. This was fine

out of the front door and conveniently, for them, the

over five or six times a year, showed it off to our

but I was surprised that although the letting agent

whole world becomes their bin. Try driving behind

family and friends, in short we were so very proud of

had denied there was a toaster, the first thing we

one of them on a scooter and you’ll get a better

our achievement and fell in love with our house as

saw when we opened the first box was….yes you

idea of what I mean. I’ve had a whole (full) ashtray

it became our home. We used to feel really excited

guessed it A TOASTER. The next thing we noticed was

emptied out the window of a car in front of me and

at the prospect of coming ‘home’ every couple of

a burn mark in the sofa. When we challenged the

numerous Big bloody Mac boxes have clattered me

months. We loved our home and the area in which

letting agent about this she said that he tenants had

and the bike. Watch them with a packet of chewing

it was situated.

mentioned that to her the day after they moved in. If

gum, or a new pack of cigarettes; the wrapper goes

The credit crunch hit and our business at home was

this was the case I wonder why we weren’t informed.

on the floor the moment they leave the shop – and

not doing so well so we needed to invest more time

Nobody has ever smoked in our house. Towards the

that’s just the police. Seriously, they are as bad as

and effort into it. This meant that the house in Spain

end of the week we noticed that the remote for

anyone. The good thing is they will get people who

was left empty for long periods.

the air conditioning unit in the spare bedroom was

have been a bit naughty, and have been sentenced

We had a chance discussion with an acquaintance

missing as was the key for the security gates onto the

to do community service, to clear it up. The bad

who told us that she was a letting agent and could

balcony. We had to pay for the replacement remote

thing is that within twenty four hours the litter will

rent out our house on either short or long term lease.

and a new lock because the letting company had

start to build up again.

We were given lots of reassurance that she had done

given the tenants the whole bond back.

this many times and that she was quite successful.

The tenants had also put some kind of shelf up in

We decided to go with a 6 month lease to start

the kitchen drilling holes into the wall tiles. They had

with. This was arranged between her and a Spanish

removed the shelf and we were left with four large

couple who were lovely. We were sad at the fact

holes with bright red rawl plugs.

that we couldn’t go to the house for a while but felt

from the basement were in the spare bedroom and

lucky pie

were caked

in

LA M ARI

NA

Our bunk beds

as it had not been used for a while it was practical

the double bed from the spare room was in the

You may have seen it if you've dipped your fingers

to rent out.

basement. The expensive bedding on the double

in recently, and if not...well, here it is...Jungle

There were conditions in the contract that stated

bed had been washed with coloured washing and

Drums photographer Mark Welton had one of his

no changes were to be made in the house without

was grey and most of the bedding for the bunk beds

excellent photos chosen to go on the once lottery

expressed permission and that any breakages or

was missing, including the quilts.

damage other than wear and tear would be paid for

We needed all of the problems sorting and as we

out of the 500 euro bond. The only change we were

knew the letting agents husband was the local

consulted about and agreed to was for the tenants

handy man we asked him to sort them, thinking that

to put up a child safety gate.

the letting agent would pay to have the jobs done,

When the couple who were in the army were both

particularly as she had not done her job properly

posted to Germany we were given one months

in the first place. She should not have given back

notice to quit which was a lot less than we had

the bond especially since she reports that she went

agreed.

through the itinerary with the tenants as they left.

The letting agent gave them the 500 euro bond

Unfortunately she didn’t pay. The last few times we

back. Soon after the property was let again to an

have been to our house we have spent our time

English family who stayed for only one month. They

cleaning and rearranging furniture and trying to

said that the house was too small so we were very

make it feel like home again. It has cost us dearly, not

understanding and allowed once again for them to

only financially but emotionally too.

stay for a short time. When they left the letting agent

The only thing the letting agent did for her 50 euros a

asked would we like her to arrange for a cleaning

month was to let us down

firm to go in and clean the house throughout. She

Our words of warning are to be very careful if you are

pointed out that this would include windows, voils

letting your property and make sure that if you do

and fans. We agreed a 50 euro quote and the work

you hold onto the bond yourself until you are satisfied

went ahead.

that the tenants have looked after your property as

When we went back to the house for the first time our

you would yourself.

hearts sunk. The first thing that struck us was the table

Yours sadly

ticket on the 3rd ofJuly - which is sold nationwide. Good eh? Amazing what you can achieve with such a terrible accent

Coupon shot shows mid channel battle for first place.

The lottery ticket was issued to celebrate the annual Tabarca - Santa Pola swimming race which attracts swimmers from all over the world.....see next months Jungle Drums for coverage of this fantastic event.

Every Thursday & Saturday At Sunset Bar Gran Alacant NIGHTSHIFT ENTERTAINMENT & PARTY

Disappointed

and chair set that we had always had on the balcony

11


La Marina

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Ref:379 99.000€

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La Marina

Elche

Ref:448 145.000€

Elche

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Bed, 1 Bath, Det Villa with Garage, Under build/storage, Cul De Sac Location

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La Marina Albatera

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162.800€

2/3 Beds, 2 Baths, Finca with Summer outdoor Kitchen, Immaculate Cond

Ref:443 72.500€

El Pinet

2 Bed, 1 Bath grnd floor apartment, F. Furn, Ideal Town Location, Torrevieja Town Centre

La Marina Ref:421 79.500€

Ref:455 249.000€

2 Bed, 2 Bath, Villa with separate swiss style chalet, small workshop, own pool

2 Bed, 1 Bath Mid terrace property, Glazed in porch, Comm Pool, New Kitchen

Ref:419 96.500€

2 Bed, 1 Bath Apartment, South Facing, F. Furn, Comm Pool, Close to Beach

Avda. Londres 1-A, Local 8, Urb. La Marina San Fulgencio Office: 96 679 5233 email:info@ipgspain.com Visit our website to view our extensive range of properties:www.ipgspain.com 12

Ref:441

119.500€

3 Bed, 2 Bath (1 en-suite), Julia Quad, Conservatory, Comm Pool, New Kitchen, Furnished

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JLCA & AS Lawyers

ASK THE LAWYER… Top local lawyer Jose Luis answers your legal questions.

José-Luis Campillo & Asociados Abogados - Lawyers www.jlcalawyers.com

INDEPENDENT LAW & TAX ADVICE

TAXES RELATING TO PROPERTY When purchasing a property in Spain, as the well as the actual the price of the property it is important to take into account the taxes applicable on the purchase, which vary depending on whether the purchase is of a new house (new property) or second hand house (resale).

is applied. This is a state levied tax on second and subsequent transfers of a property, which amounts to the rate of 7% of the value declared in Title Deeds, and again must paid within a period of 30 working days. In both cases, new and resale properties, the mortgage for the purchase is then also subject to Stamp Duty Tax (AJD). This amount is represented by 1% of the mortgage liability. In case of a mortgage for the purchase of a new home which provides the primary residence, the rate would be reduced to 0.50% of the mortgage

- General Practice & Litigation - Claims against builders/promoters Advice on Tax Matters

PURCHASE OF A NEW PROPERTY

responsibility. Finally, another tax to take into account, and is directly borne by the property itself, is the Property Tax (IBI).

In the case of purchasing a new home, the buyer must

This is a council tax, levied annually on Real Estate

firstly pay directly to the Promoter-seller the amount of

Property, both rustic and urban, and is calculated by

applicable “Impuesto sobre el Valor Añadido” (IVA). From

applying a tax rate or percentage to the “catastral”

the 1st July 2010 the general rate will be 8% of the price

value of the property (the value of the property / land,

on the Title Deed, obligating the promoter-seller to pay

not the perceived selling value of the property), and the

the said amount the to “Hacienda Pública”. The buyer

minimum for this tax is set at 0.4% for urban property

- Real Estate

must also pay, within the period of 30 working days, the

and at 0.3% for the rustic property.

- N.I.E. Numbers

taxes the legal documents. For the Title Deed of Sale

As always, JLCA & As. Lawyers are happy to provide

itself, the rate applicable is 1% of value declared in the

help and advice regarding all aspects of taxation.

- Accountancy for companies/self employed - English & Spanish Inheritance Advice

Stamp Duty Tax (AJD) to the “Hacienda Pública”, which

- Power of Attorney, Bank Accounts - Resident Permits - Mortgages, Loans - Notary Deed - Registration of the deed at - Land Registry - Trademarks

Title Deeds, except in case of the purchase of a Primary Residence, where the rate applicable would be reduced to 0.10%.

PURCHASE OF A “SECOND HAND PROPERTY” RESALE

- Spanish Wills

When purchasing a Second Hand

- Reposessions

will not be the IVA, but instead

- Traffic Accidents - Changes of Foreign Cars to Spanish Registration

Property (resale), the tax payable the Property Transfer Tax (“Impuesto de Transmisiones Patrimoniales Onerosas” - TPO)

Avda. Escandinavia, 72, C.C. Altomar II, Local 8, Manzana E, 03130 GRAN ALACANT (Santa Pola) Telf: 966 698 796 · Fax: 966 699 570 Espana - Spain · info@jlcalawyers.com ELCHE: Avda. de Alicante, 24 7°03203 - Elche ·Espana - Spain Telf: 966 612 816 · Fax: 965 427 800 infonacional@jlcalawyers.com LONDON: 96-98 Baker Street W1 U6TJ London Tel. 0044(0)20072241095 e-mail. londonoffice@jlcalawyers.com

36

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14

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16


THE ISLES OF DOGS by Malcolm Palmer

No, nothing to do with the muddy shores

Partridges are Barbary ones.

of the Thames, at all. The Canaries

Raptors are few and far-between, but

derive their name from the fact that

Common Buzzard, Kestrel, and Barbary

early visitors found the islands home to

Falcon are to be found, and thre is

a great many dogs – if you know your

always a chance of an Egyptian Vulture.

Latin, canus is the reference. I thought

Plain Swifts make a (slight) change from

I’d devote this month’s nature column to

Common Swifts.

these Atlantic islands, so easily reached

A real prize is one of the two rare

from here, with their balmy, year-round

endemic pigeons, Laurel and Bolle’s

climate, cheap flights and great hotel

Pigeons, and there are Trumpeter Finches

deals.

and Rock Sparrows in some corners of

Some of my favourite destinations,

the island. In summer, one of the several

these, despite the lack of birds. Spend

sea-trips on offer should give you lots

a holiday without budging from Puerto

of big, handsome Cory’s Shearwaters,

de la Cruz, Tenerife, for instance, and

and always chance of something rarer,

you’ll see Spanish Sparrows, (taking the

like the piratical Bulwer’s Petrel. Oh, and

place of House Sparrow) the pestilential

don’t forget to visit the ‘Loroparque’ – I

Collared Dove, Blackbirds, Blackcaps,

hate zoos, but this is something else –

feral Rose-ringed Parakeets, and not

the Penguin house is remarkable, and

a lot else, unless you like domestic

you won’t regret the time spent there.

pigeons. But just travel a little (cheap

Then again you could visit a different

to rent a car there!) and go up into

island. Quiet, tranquil Lanzarote, with

the mountains, where you will find the

a great chance of the retiring Houbara

big, amazing Blue Chaffinch, together

Bustard and great little Cream-coloured

with the endemic Goldcrest, Canarian

Coursers, wild, deserted Fuerteventura

Chiffchaff, and local races of Common

has loads of Ravens, migrant waders,

Chaffinch and Great Spotted Woodpecker.

Ground Squirrels, miles of nothing at

Then, in open country, there will be the

all, and the challenge of finding the rare

nice little Berthelot’s Pipit, chances of

and threatened Fuerteventura Chat. All

the rather ‘northern-looking’ Great Grey

these possibilties and more make the

Shrike, and, lurking in a bush, probably

Canaries an attractive option when you’re

a Spectacled Warbler – year-round

considering your next holiday – and I’m

residents. Of course, Canaries are around

not being paid by their Tourist Board!

the agricultural areas, and the only

Perhaps I should be?

BLUE CHAFFINCH

CREAM COLOURED COURSER

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ALLOZ FLITO

Our Costa Blanca, as we know, is home to lots of immigrants, and you can also meet Brits and all manner of new residents in just about any part of Spain. But, even bigger travellers than the Brits, and arguably the most successful migrants of all, are the Chinese. OK, so there an awful lot of them, but they hole up just about anywhere. Hence, when your boat docks in an Arctic Norwegian port, just about the first thing you see is a Chinese restaurant. I saw one in a tiny village on the farflung Atlantic island of Fuerteventura, and I’ve run across them in countries as far apart as Gambia and Brazil, Turkey and Canada. Chinese restaurants, as with those of other nationalities, are subject to wide variation, from your average ‘Rat and Sick’ joints that serve up fantastically cheap plates of monosodium glutonate, and cobble together a menu for 6 euros, to quite high class restaurants where you can enjoy succulent roast duck and so forth. But the resourceful and incredibly hard-working Chinese are moving very successfully into a lot of other areas – anywhere, in fact, where they can make money with

long hours, family participation, and bit of ingenuity. In parts of Benidorm, it is now quite hard to find a shop that isn’t in Chinese hands, and in suburban San Vicente, where I live, I can think of nine, together with four restaurants – numbers only rivalled by the flourishing ‘Kebap’ joints. (Why ‘kebap’ when in England they write ‘kebab?’) And in Madrid, the Chinese are muscling into the Spanish bar trade, (just as they run chip-shops in Britain) offering beer, wine, and tapas, always at good prices. And, as with the girl who finds the right battery for my watch here, they all speak excellent Spanish, even if they rabbit away to each other in mandarin, confident that we won’t have a clue what they’re saying. Their defect is the confusion of ‘l’ and ‘r’ – extending, is seems, to the written word. I treasure a box my Christmas tree came in, where are emblazoned the words: ‘Albor de navida’ (Arbol de Navidad). But when it comes to integrating, and making a success of immigration, we could do to learn a thing or two from the Chinese.

IT’S BACK – THE BIKINI BASH 2010! Last year SOL Productions, the Costa Blanca’s premier regional TV program for the Ex-Pats celebrated our 5th anniversary with a Guinness World Record attempt. Creating the BIKINI BASH – for the most photographed women in Bikinis in one place! The current record is held by Russia who gathered together 1923 women to take part. In August 2009 an attempt to break that record was also held back in the UK in Southend, but, with just 43 women turning up, we thought we could do better and try and bring the record here to the Costas! Sol Productions held the Bikini Bash on September 20th 2009. We had 143 very brave ladies in bikinis, unfortunately the weather was not on our side, however, support was great, over 2000 turned up on the day to support the event! This year we are going to give it another go! With everyone’s support we are attempting to break the record this, SUNNY! Bikinis Crossed! 28th August! Ladies! IT’S BACK – The Bikini Bash 2010! This time with a Fantastic line up of Entertainment, we

have even got you Mr World and Mr Universe as well as the best singers to salsa dancers, and lots of Fun! Fun! Fun!………. Get ready for the Bikini Bash 2010! The biggest and best party this summer is coming to Campoamor beach, Orihuela Costa! So, Ladies get your bikinis at the ready!………..Gentlemen you are more than welcome to come and support us too!!! Businesses contact us and show your support – your chance to reach a huge audience with a sponsorship of the event. Singer’s get in touch!….. We need you to make the day go with a swing…… We will keep you posted, and give you the up to date information here in the magazine next month. Log on to www.solproductions.tv (Platforms to view the TV systems also available) FACE BOOK : SOL Productions TV Contact us to find out more gina@solproductions.tv Tel: 695 399 841 Tel: 966 761 050

NO SLEEPERS PLEASE… The GA Train got back on track last month and JD were invited along to meet up with the gang who are helping to put the fun back on the streets. Superbly decorated and brand new this Train/Tram/Thingy whatever you want to call it will be circumnavigating the area every day…for ever! Following months of work, and an awful lot of paper shuffling I bet, the Chuffing thing is now moving visitors and residents around GA – and a lot faster than before. Back is our favourite driver – Paco – who’ll you’ll hear (no doubt) before you see him – so come on folks join in the GA fun and hop aboard the best train anywhere along the coast! You’ll be steaming if you don’t…

18


Torry Tigers roared the loudest ! ! Torry Tigers, a local 7 a side football team based on the outskirts of Torrevieja, had an action-packed match on Saturday the 19th of June, against a team that flew over from Ireland to play them. At full-time, it was 6-3 to the Torry Tigers. After the match, everyone, including spectaspecta tors, adjourned to a local bar for a couple of hours having a laugh and a bit of banter, ending up with the team from Ireland wanting to come back again to play the Tigers. The Torry Tigers, who you can see in the photo, have been playing 7 a side football in the Torrevieja area every week for just over 9 years, plus they play against visiting teams from the UK and they also organise social events for the players during the year. If anyone fancies keeping fit and having a game of football on top-quality astro-turf once a week, plus making new mates and you’re aged between 20-40, easy going and reliable, why not join them. It’s all English-speaking and new blokes are always assured of a friendly welcome. For more details, just call Dougie on 628 789 335.

WORLD CUP...Just like the war Ok…so the World cup Planner had what readers thought was a cock up on it (we did get a couple of emails: Michael – did you manage to get everything back in the pram af-

terwards…? ) however, in reality we knew that our

onion well need

munching cousins across the English channel may a hand (geddit?) so we gave them another game to

help them along. But, just like World War II the world cup in South Africa has seen the French surrender at the first sign of trouble, Italy nowhere and the Yanks leaving it till the last moment to get involved – meaning once again, it was England against Germany!

Hello again! Isn’t it nice now the weather seems to finally be improving? But how can we live our lives not being at the effect of the weather? I’m not being glib and suggest we can ignore all changes in our lives as if they were all ‘sunny days’. Last month I mentioned a bit about NLP and how effective it can be in developing the positive aspects of our lives, with relatively straight-forward techniques. So how about developing your skills to use an NLP technique called ‘reframing’? Reframing is changing the meaning of an experience or an event by putting another frame around it. It causes you to see things differently, giving a new interpretation, with the result that you arrive at a different conclusion or feeling. Have you ever changed the frame of a picture or photo and noticed it gives a different effect? It can highlight certain areas of the composition, make it appear brighter, more interesting. Well reframing how you speak about, or respond to a situation can alter the ‘picture’ too.

HEALTH CARE IN SPAIN

Spain has managed to avoid paying an estimated 2 billion € a year for the medical treatment of retired Europeans who live in the country. The Spanish Minister for Health, Trinidad Jiménez, has been successful in beating off a Swedish proposal, supported by the British, which suggested that health care be paid for by the country where the EU person has residence, despite the fact that many Britons had been paying into the budgets of the British Health Service. With so many retired Europeans resident in Spain, it was important for Jiménez to get her way at the meeting in Luxembourg, and establish the principle that each country covers the health costs of its own national or foreign residents. Under this arrangement Spain gets some 300 € for each foreign resident, which amounts to some 460 million € a year.

NIGEL JARDINE

How do you do this in practical terms? Well you can train yourself to explore different ways of thinking about the same set of events/ issues. Is having a cold a disastrous problem for your work schedule, or a chance for a rest, or something entirely different? Very often the words we use to describe the issue or situation can help to reframe. For example rather than something being awful it could be, interesting, instead of pain in the bum, it’s a challenge, something to get your teeth into! This takes practice. To some of you it maybe sounds unrealistic, like a sticking plaster, but if that’s how you think, that’s the result you will get. Stop yourself if you think like that and reframe……. “He could be right, maybe this is a chance

WHY PAY MORE?

to look at things in a new light a small step towards bigger things.” As well as noticing your own ‘frame’ around things, watch and listen to what other people do and say. Are there other ways you could think of the same events? It can have a really freeing effect, helping you to feel more in control of your response to the event or issue and over time you will feel that it doesn’t matter about the weather because you’re the one in control of your response. Now when it rains I think “Thank goodness, those flowers in the corner needed a damned good soak”! If you would like more information about this technique, as I appreciate this is just a snippet of how it works, please contact me nigel@coachonthecouch. co.uk and thanks to those who took the time last month. For those readers based in the UK, watch out for my next 1 day seminar in Birmingham in September – more details next month! Have a great month and enjoy the sunshine, cloud, rain, winds, what ever comes our way …………… Nigel

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Notarial Title Deeds Spanish Wills Power of Attorney Private contracts Conveyancing Land Registry searches Electricity and water contracts Rates contracts Fiscal Representation Tax returns for Residents & Non Residents

WANT TO BUY? CAN’T SELL? Are you an owner of a property and want to change to a new place but can´t until you have sold the old one to pay for it? This is the problem nowadays. Houses are not sold as quickly as before, and banks will not give you a 100% mortgage to allow you to buy the new house. Everyday I receive calls from clients saying that they would like to move to a downstairs apartment, or to a smaller dwelling, or a bigger one … but they cannot do it as they need first to sell the house they own. But now there is a solution - you can sell your house without rushing into it and buy your new home - as if you had sold the old one. All you need to do is apply for a 100% mortgage on the old and the new house which will permit you to buy your new house, and you have 5 years to sell the old house. How much quota will I pay? During the two first years, you will pay a quota equivalent to the quota you should pay if your old house had been sold; and from the third to the fifth year, you will only pay the interest of the outstanding capital. And what happens if I sell? You then may cancel the part of the loan that corresponds to the old property and you will only pay the loan of the new property. If you want more information about this, or any other matter, feel free to contact us, we will be very pleased to assist you.

YOUR HEALTH CARE IN SPAIN Expats in Spain have two different ways of receiving medical care: One option is the Public Health Service, for which you have to have a SIP and know the possible limitations of the service. The other choice is private healthcare and in Alicante province we are fortunate to have one of the best Private Medical Assistance Chains, including hospitals and doctors. Obviously,

there

are

some

clear

advantages for the expat in the Private Health in respect to the Public one. 1. English speaking doctors, family doctors and specialists 2. Immediate attention by the specialists. 3. No waiting lists for operations or diagnosis. To qualify for using the national health service, you will need to be a tax payer or a pensioner but it is much simpler for many to sign up for private medical insurance, which in Spain is much cheaper than in the UK and one of the best choices of medical insurance for its relation services-price is

Fiscal numbers (N.I.E.)

El Perpetuo Socorro With more than 50 years of experience, they are specialists in medical insurances

House & Car Insurance

for the expat in Alicante province and they

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account all the different aspects, not just

are well aware that when you consider insurance it is very important to take into the price: -

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That there are NO limitations on the age to contract the policy.

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That there are not annual limits in the covers.

El Perpetuo Socorro, your Medical Insurance in Alicante.

NOTE: Last month we published by mistake, the wrong telephone number and address. We apologise for any problems you may have had in trying to contact us.

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23


the editor didn’t actually mean those markets.. When I was first asked to cobble together fifteen hundred and odd words about “the market” my immediate reaction was, “yeah no worries, my good mate Andy at the Bull and Dog pub in Aspe used to work in the City of London and what he doesn’t know about the markets isn’t worth knowing”. Then the penny dropped and you might well have heard the clang, the editor didn’t actually mean those markets! Slightly embarrassed but undeterred, it was a wee bit late to feign injury and pull out of the job, I gamely pressed on. What follows is a bit of a journey of discovery for yours truly, a chap who, back in dear old Blighty, used to become a tad frustrated, when, six hours after we first started shopping, the girlfriend goes back to the first store we visited to purchase those crucial shoes. Lads you must know what I’m on about!

(pronounced Thocko, it comes from the Arabic

contents of your open handbag or unguarded

translation for market), was my first experience,

back pocket. These things frequently happen and

five years ago, of the fervour that surrounds the

pickpockets rarely work alone.

outdoor market in Spain, and, to be honest, not a

Diminutive Russian lady Lillian, is a familiar sight

lot has changed in the meantime. The place is still

at Zoco market, tucked away in a corner, where

rammed with Sunday morning visitors, the majority

she has worked for the past six years, her and her

of whom probably come most weeks. No signs

colleagues are doing a roaring trade in breakfast

of a crisis here by the looks as envious local town

burgers, sausages, and, presumably the first beers

centre shopkeepers, who would love this kind of

of the day for patient husbands making good use

footfall, look on in frustration.

of the time while their wives go wild in the aisles.

It’s also the kind of place where, if you don’t arrive

Lillian is just one of numerous fast food outlets

early, you’ll need your passport because the car

scattered around the place, every one of which

park is the size of a small county, and, if you’re not

looked packed full of punters.

on the ball, it’s absolutely miles away. An amble

If you’re after a haircut or a handbag, shoes or

round Zoco won’t disappoint, it’s just like a huge

a shower curtain, carrots or condoms, you could

El Corte Inglés in the car park without the hassle of

do far worse than Zoco, it was clear to me why

messing about reading floor plans and using the

people love it, even the car parking was free, but

escalators. The prices are pretty agreeable too!

just watch your back.

Zoco really is the United Nations of Spanish outdoor

I felt far more threatened by the behaviour of the Spanish pensioners..

retail therapy, held once a week, always on a Sunday, you won’t need a hearing aid to pick out German, Dutch, Russian, Scandinavian and British accents. Amongst the Brits alone I chalked up dialects from Geordie land, Manchester, the West

it’s just like a huge El Corte Inglés in the car park..

Midlands, London, Yorkshire, Liverpool and the West Country.

Heading back up north, and again on a Sunday

Because of its popularity, I would just add that

morning, a week later my next port of a call was

where unsuspecting Brits gather in large numbers,

to a very familiar place, or rather, just outside of it.

so too do the opportunist thieves. In such a throng

Had I not arrived at about mid-day, the outdoor

of people it’s easy to simply accept a strangers

market inaugurated in April this year, could well

Situated on the San Miguel to Ciudad Quesada

apology for bumping into you, and, while you turn

have been said to be in the shadows of the vast

road, the queue of cars as you approach from

right to make eye contact, an unseen accom-

Estadio Martinez Valero, home to Elche football

either direction is a bit of a give away, Zoco,

plice to your left has filled his or her boots with the

club. Instead, under a cloudless blue sky and

24

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relentless heat, I spent the hour and a bit of my visit

back of the head by one of seven or eight giant

tioned and high ceilinged pavilion where all kinds

seeking what little shade was available as the sun,

dried flat fish hanging from the top of one stall

of sights and smells assault the senses. Simultane-

directly overhead, did little to discourage bargain

when they were caught by a stiff gust of breeze,

ously! Spain is famous for a selection of delicious

hunters and the plain curious.

I attempted to snatch a few words with an adja-

sausages that put Walls to shame, but it’s the fish

The evening before my visit, the market ground

cent stall holder. Surly Alicantina Manuela Ortiz

counters where things get right interesting. Count

was choc-a-bloc with blue and white shirted

aged 47, told me she first started on the markets

the rings on slabs of tuna with the girth of small

Real-Sociedad fans from San Sebastián, in town for

as a thirteen year old schoolgirl helping her Dad.

tree trunks, swordfish, various unseeing eyes staring

their team’s final fixture of the Segunda ‘A’ season

With the passing of her father fifteen years ago,

back at me from iced trays, prawns that appear

against Elche. The next morning, and with no sign

she took over his stall selling leather goods and

prehistoric and all manner of bizarre looking things

of visiting football fans, I felt far more threatened

what looked to me like trinkets. Now, it’s her way of

I’ve never seen before that, years ago someone,

by the behaviour of the Spanish pensioners as they

life and four times a week she loads her van at the

somewhere must have thought “mmm bet that

went about the business of intimidating stall hold-

crack of dawn to head off to places as far apart

tastes nice” I swear they could have sold me a

ers with their bartering, (regatear), technique.

as Altea and Torrevieja to scratch a living.

piranha.

The local fifty, sixty and seventy year old shoppers appeared to run rings around their considerably younger stall holding suppliers, who, desperate for sales and much needed hard currency, were quickly beaten down as the resident geriatrics organised next weeks meals. I liked this market a lot, perhaps not the busiest

the kinds of things that would smell vile outside in the hot sun..

The final say goes to pensioner, Maria, 70 and her husband Emilio, 72. When asked why the Mercadillo and not Mercadona, the old man nods in silent agreement as she ventures, “it’s just part of our culture, what we do and how we always used to. Everything’s fresh and you can talk to your friends” Watching her just purchased steaks disappearing

which isn’t necessarily a bad thing, but, for sure,

Unless you want it cooked on the spot, it’s virtually

beneath greaseproof paper at the hands of a deft

one of the most bustling and very, very Span-

impossible to purchase fresh meat or fish in a typi-

butcher, and, I was tempted to add, “yup, and

ish. Tucked away in the bowels of the stadiums

cal open air, street type market; fruit and veg yes.

no sign of an impatient queue and any of those

enormous curva norte is the hot and airless office

But stuff that, if what you’re after was yesterday

aggravating pings from a bar code scanner” her

of the market administrator, Jose Luis. As I sought

running around in a field or swimming away from a

words resonated.

to avoid his pungent tobacco smoke and with

net, then head for a Mercado de Abastos, which,

So simple but so true.

a strong coffee I didn’t really want, Jose Luis

loosely translated means the place of abundance

explained that the official hours of his market are

or supply. Most medium sized towns have one

7am until about 2pm and that almost invariably,

and it’s generally a covered, cooler market inside

a queue of insomniacs has already formed as the

which the stall holders are licenced to flog you all

traders go about the work of setting up their stalls

the kinds of things that would smell vile outside in

from about six in the morning.

the hot sun. Step inside the Plaza de Abastos in

Having failed to avoid being slapped across the

Santa Pola and it’s like entering a vast, air-condi-

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25


CALLE DE LA ALMENARA 22


E.mail: Maria_cairns@hotmail.es

27


businesses built to last The business group with solid foundations

YOUR BUSINESS

The International Business Association -TIBA-

TIBA is a group of likeminded businessmen and women with the aim of promoting the services of its members. The association places emphasis on its membership selection procedure and the legality of its members to trade. Having been in existence for 10 years and adopting the watchwords of "Integrity and Service" they recognise the importance of client relations, marketing and business-to-business networking, in what is an ever-increasing and challenging marketplace. Why should you use a TIBA member? You can be assured that you are dealing with a legally registered business and that a level of service can be guaranteed. In working with any of our professionals you will enjoy peace of mind, customer satisfaction, quality, professionalism and accountability

JUNGLE DRUMS


YOUR BUSINESS businesses built to last which underpins the values of TIBA. Watch out for the TIBA logo on car stickers, web sites and business cards. We have a wide variety of members – ranging from Insurance and Financial Solutions, Hair and Beauty, Nursery Equipment Hire to Computer Repair Engineers and New and Used Furniture. Whatever service you are looking for, we have it covered! That doesn't mean that we believe in standing still – we are continually looking for new members. If you are a legally registered business, why not come along to one of our regular TIBA meetings and find out how

- Supporting local businesses

we work together? We meet every Thursday morning at the Rocajuna Restaurant in Punta Prima and use these meetings to discuss the issues that affect people in business and, of course the business of TIBA itself. To find out more about TIBA or for a full list of members and services, please check out our web site at

www.tibacb.com email info@tibacb.com

Tel.902906015


30

STILL the cheapest advertising around- TEL. 606 540 408


Estate Agents Victoria, Fiona Edwards and Jos茅 Luis Llanos ( husband and wife), have been established in the fishing village of Santa Pola for almost 30 years. They are able to offer a large range of property on the Costa Blanca and above all a complete after-sales service, as listed below. All their staff have a good knowledge of the English language and also speak German. A free consultation, property valuation and advice is given to all those considering selling their property, also an estimated calculation on what they can expect to receive after paying all costs. You may call us for an appointment at any time , at our offices situated in Gran Alacant.

FEEL AT HOME We also offer professional advice on all the following matters. Taxes for residents and non-residents. Inheritance tax Spanish wills Application of fiscal numbers(N.I.E.) Application of Spanish residency Transfer of documents on Spanish vehicles Translations Help with medical enquiries Transfer of property ownership Advice on buying and selling in Spain Property insurance Health insurance Power of Attorney Advice on mortgages Advice on rentals Money transfers with excellent rates to any part of the word at no cost. Free consultations

www.victoria.es Inmobiliaria Victoria Avda. Escandinavia, 72 C.C. Altomar II L.10 03130 Gran Alacant 路 Santa Pola Tlf. 966697779 路 966698180 Fax 966697378 sp@victoria.es

www.victoria.es


32


It’s always a bit unnerving, don’t you think - when

The next thing to happen was I dropped my car keys

you come out of the house and open the gate to

– no there wasn’t a drain – this was a little more awk-

find one stray dog on top of another with its tongue

ward than that because firstly they got stuck on the

pourhanging out of the side of its mouth and sweat pour

bottom of a blind man’s walking stick. I think he may

ing from its forehead. The one below (presumably

have been a little hard of hearing too as he wouldn’t

female) has a look of resigned indifference on her

stop when I asked, or even acknowledge I was there,

face and is checking her nails while Rex gives it all

so a little thought was needed. I got in front of him on

he’s got. This, I’ve found, is just another day in Spain

my knees and with locals looking on in horror I tried

because if you look around you it’s going on every every-

to grab them quickly form the stick as he banged it

where. I don’t mean randy Rex is trying to have his

along the road. That was when they fell…and went

way with everything from a Pekinese to a Brazilian,

between his shuffling feet. Now they bounced from

I mean that everywhere you look there is something

foot to foot as he made his way up the street and un-

‘different’ going on. Although sticking with the ca-

less I was going to take him out like a Prop forward- I

nine world a Yorkshire Terrier moonwalking along the

wasn’t going to get my keys. Luck, for once, was on

pavement was impressive until I realised it was trying

my side, however, as he went into a café and sat

to ‘cover’ it’s number2’s, which were about fifteen

down. Although bending down between his legs

feet away by now.

drew some serious looks…

on a trip to Santa Pola in the car, I’m stuck behind

Still a quiet evening out with a friend shouldn’t throw

a guy pushing a shopping trolley up a hill…with two

up too much excitement should it? I was off for dinner

dogs in it (not Rex, or his partner) and at the top a

in the campo with some friends. The only person go-

approstitute sits in her beach chair wearing a skirt ap

ing that I didn’t know was the German man who was

parently made from one single piece of duct tape

going to give me a lift, he was called Fred. Fred duly

and proves the theory that women are more dexter-

arrived, bang on time as you would expect, in a Su-

ous than us blokes by impressively eating ‘Pippas’,

zuki car that had possibly been previously owned by

chewing gum and smoking all at the same time.

Coco the Clown. The passenger door swung open on

In Santa Pola itself I follow a van that insists on hav-

left-handed bends, meaning I had to grab hold of a

JUST ANOTHER DAY IN SPAIN... Add to the mix the fact that she had a sausage dog called Lancelot...

ing right of way over something coming the wrong

laughing

way up the one way street towards him and

Fred

(who

hadn’t warned

he eventually forces them into a space bebe

me) to stop

tween two parked cars by continually edgedg

myself end-

ing closer and closer. The fact that the other

ing up with

‘vehicle’ was an elderly guy being pushed in a wheelchair by his equally elderly wife - because, as we all know, Spain’s pavements were built for unicycles – seems lost on the van driver who roars past… Choosing a parking space is a little tricky though…if I park in one of the diagonals alongside the road, there’s a (very) good chance I’ll come back to find

By Dave Bull

the colour, and imprint, of someone else’s door on

a

my car. Whereas if I go for the street ‘parallel parkpark

face

ing’ option I could find both my bumpers on the

full of

floor when I return. I once came back to a couple

gravel.

changing their baby’s nappy on the bonnet of my

a

car, theirs was parked next to it… Anyway, I parked in

we

town and left the guy in front enough room to swing

and wait while Fred untangled

an oil tanker without using my car to bounce off,

radio aerial - a piece of wire laying across the top of

hopefully, and headed up the road.

the dashboard - from the steering wheel, which was

‘Tienes tobaco por favor?’ A man appeared next

also, apparently, hilarious.

to me, Spanish and reasonably dressed, and smiling

Still, we got there in one piece (can’t say that for the

politely. We just can’t get used to that can we? (The

car) and were met by our host. A host, it turned out,

Spanish see nothing wrong in scrounging a fag from

who couldn’t stop herself from laughing all the time

a foreigner) and so I smiled back and said that I was

or from dancing to every new song that came on

sorry but I had run out and was on my way to get

the stereo. Add to the mix the fact that she had a

some - to which he kindly offered to accompany me.

sausage dog called Lancelot (who was addicted to

He did, and waited outside until I came out and gave

lemons) and a Parrot that said ‘Puta!’ every time you

him not one, but two (he did ask nicely) cigarettes

walked past it and you have an average night (and

before he disappeared.

day) out in Spain…

And at

junchad

t i o n to

s t o p t h e make-shift

33


34


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35


JUNGLE DRUMS SPOTLIGHT ON Pellicer & Heredia We would like to take this opportunity to introduce Pellicer & Heredia law firm. They specialize in estate planning, real estate transactions, traffic matters, litigation, corporate, international business, finance, taxation, construction claims, debt recovery, starting of new business, tax advisors, and many others such as general gestor services covering driving licences, residency etc so you need not worry about the confusing application forms. Their aim is to provide the best possible advice and service to our clients in an efficient, cost-effective and practical manner, while at the same time preserving the elements of a personalized traditional legal advisor-client relationship. They have offices in Hondon, Petrer, Fortuna and Alicante, conveniently located in the same building as the British Consul in Plaza Calvo Sotelo, near to Cortes Ingles in the centre of Alicante. The partners are fully qualified and benefit from having worked in England. Therefore, not only do they speak excellent English, they also understand the problems that Expats can have trying to deal with Spanish laws and taxation. They have already helped many clients achieve the many benefits of being fiscally resident in Spain. (Are you sure your Spanish tax affairs are in order?) Being qualified barristers they are competent to represent you in the Spanish Courts. Their fees are based on the Spanish Law Society recommended rates. Readers of The Jungle Drums can take advantage of their special offer of a free first consultation on a no obligation basis. Whatever your legal needs are, you can rely on Pellicer and Heredia to put your legal interests as their first priority being a totally independent company. See their advertisement in this magazine for full contact details.

36

Need a tradesman or a service?

The premier group on the Costa Blanca for legally registered businesses. Find out more about our services and guarantees to our customers at:

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Any legal businesses wishing to join

The International Business Association

E-mail: info@tibacb.com Have confidence in who you call

Tel: 902 906 015


Friends, animal lovers, and Americans…lend me your paws would

Anyone looking to adopt an abandoned dog or cat, or would like

you…and a mop. And if anyone has found a green flip-flop (size

more information on temporary fostering one, should visit the web

10) specifically in the Gran Alacant area – its mine. You see Woopy

site: www.petsinspain.info. The K9 Club will pay for everything when

the Labrador has become part of the family and lovely as she

someone fosters an abandoned pet until a permanent home is

is…she’s also a thief. So my first complaint to K9 animal charity,

found for them.

where we got her from, is that this puppy doesn’t do as it’s told… at all. When I say come – she goes, and when I tell her to sit…

Dave Bull says…

well, there’s something lost in translation there I think…but I always

Since I’ve adopted Woopy K9 have been superb with support, ad-

clear up. However, my second moan is that I ordered a complete

vice and an on-going interest in Woopy’s health and happiness. She

dog, and it appears Woopy (that’s her name by the way) isn’t.

remembers them all well and can’t wait to visit the vet these days,

Yes, she’s got all her limbs, eyes, fur and teeth – which is more

and they can’t believe what she is like after such a serious op. she’s

than I can say for my neighbour Pepe, but she only comes with

now vaccinated and got her passport (dual nationality of course,

one kidney. I know everyone will say it’s ok…she only needs one

so, in theory, she can play for either country when she grows up…)

– it doesn’t matter that the other one isn’t there. But it’s a bit like

and it was all done very easily (and cheaply) with the support and

having a remote control with the Channel 5 button missing –

help of the vets and K9 – a big thanks to Mark Lewis for his advice –

you’d never use it but it’s nice to know it’s there…

sometimes at midnight, get some sleep man! Thanks guys, and Woopy says thanks too…in a stick-your-bum-in-the-

This is Woopy’s story…

air-and-wag-your-tail kinda way…

Woopy was found by a German lady and her husband as they

words Dave Bull - photos Mark Welton - Woopy plays herself

were driving along a main road near to Dolores. She was wandering in and out of the traffic and in great danger of being hit by a vehicle. The German lady took her home and then called Mark Lewis of K9 and he went along with two members of their animal rescue crew to collect the puppy and they could see immediately that she had a problem as she was wet all down one side where she had been laying. They then noticed that a liquid was constantly dripping from her vulva. A visit to the vet clinic and subsequent x-ray revealed a problem with one of her kidneys, also, a tube that should have been connected from one of her kidneys to the bladder was actually by-passing the bladder and was connected directly to her urethra. This is why she was constantly leaking urine. Urgent surgery was necessary and the surgeon vet discovered that one of her kidneys was useless; it had a big hole through it. The other kidney was working correctly so after a telephone conversation we agreed to go ahead and remove the bad kidney and redirect the tube from the kidney to the bladder. This a very difficult and serious operation, it took two vets three hours in the operating theatre. If the other kidney had not been in good condition she would have been put to sleep. After a couple of days in the animal hospital to recover from the surgery she was sent to a K9 Club foster home for convalescing. However,

NES DELETED SCEE

Woopy does not know that she has had lifesaving surgery, she is a typical lively Labrador puppy and wants to run around, jump and play with toys like any other puppy! Thankfully check-up visits to the vet show that all is OK. It is expected that Woopy will make a full recovery. Every day the K9 Club is asked to help people that have rescued or seen a wandering abandoned pet.

37


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work before making any commitment as we

edition. World Cup FEVER! More like

are still getting clients who having bought

AGONY! England leaving it to the last

a car, having extreme difficulty or even no

knockings to qualify. At least they had

possibility of registering it in Spain. We

another crack at our favorite opponents,

are more than happy to give advice on

Germany.

this subject, don’t be shy to ask us please before you end up with someone else’s

Lots happening on the motoring scene,with

problems in your lap.

a major revision of offences & fines for those bad motorists among us!!! Some

A little news now of Paco & Jose, although

good points (no pun intended) and bad

I knew they were a little excited their be-

ones, but way too detailed for this little

loved Hercules (Alicante) secured promo-

column.

tion to La Liga, I now have to attend the local hearing centre to cure me of constant

One thing for certain is the harmonization

boom banging from their blinking firework

of European driving licences so that any

display right behind my house!!! They

offences can be recorded, points added/

do send their regards to all their faithfull

deducted in whatever country they are

Jungle Drums fans though!

committed, irrespective of the country of issue of the offenders licence. So beware,

That’s it for this month, till next issue......

some more ammunition for the traffic cops!

Safe motoring.

We would be pleased to answer and advise on any specific queries you may have, so

Until next month, safe motoring, please

give us a call.

contact us on 965 419 769 or e-mail mick@completemotoringsolutions.es

Once again let us remind you that when you are buying another car ,here in Spain or importing from the UK, do your home-

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“BlueMoon Solutions is the computer and IT services company on the Costa Blanca. We aim to provide high quality computer services at realistic prices - we specialise in providing services to small businesses and home users”

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You may, or may not have heard of it, but this month we look at how you can use it, why you would want to use it and what applications you need in order to access or post your tweets. Twitter is an Internet based application that allows people to communicate short messages, it is a two way communication tool but is predominantly used one way – i.e. you use it to communicate your message to those that are interested in hearing what you have to say. Once setup you can invite people to “follow” you on twitter and when you send a message, it’s those “followers” that receive it.

1. For people or organisations to get their message or general useful information out to those that are interested in receiving it (this is one of the ways in which BlueMoon send out useful computer information to our followers). 2. For groups of friends or likeminded individuals to share information.

Anti-Virus & Security No Call Out Fee

3. For famous people to communicate information about themselves.

No Job Too Small

Email or phone us for friendly help and advice office@bluemoonsolutions.es www.bluemoonsolutions.es

Office: 902 906 200

This month we look at Twitter, the communication tool used by many, including the famous to communicate with millions of people.

Twitter is used in predominantly three ways..

Macro Writing

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Welcome to this month’s computer article written by Richard from BlueMoon Solutions

Thereare many famous tweeters, probably the most prevalent is Stephen Fry, the British actor, and his tweets are followed by well over a million people, you can see his posts at http://twitter.com/STEPHENFRY Other famous twitter users include John Cleese http://twitter.com/JohnCleese with over 400,000 followers, Russell Brand http://twitter.com/rustyrockets with over 100,000 followers

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and down with a paltry 80,000 followers we have the Boris Johnson http:// twitter.com/MayorOfLondon You can get your own twitter account by going to www.twitter.com and clicking on the “join today” button, once you have completed your registration there are a number of programs that you can use to send and receive messages, probably the best that I have used is TweetDeck, it’s easy to use and free to download from www.tweetdeck.com BlueMoon uses Twitter to keep our customers up to date with all kinds of information, you can follow us easily by going to our website at www.bluemoonsolutions.es and clicking on the “follow me on twitter” button, you can also see our recent postings together with all of our previous articles. Once you get used to using twitter, you will become more familiar with terms like “hash tags”, trends and retweeting, the first are ways of tagging words within your message for example #BBC or #GranAlacant these tags can then be used to help find information on the Twitter network. Trends are easily available from the twitter website, they are the hot topics of the moment and re-tweeting is a way of sending tweeted information on that you have recieved. And finally, Twitter is mobile, pretty much all of the current mobile phones with Internet access have the ability to send and receive twitter messages.

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A London bond trader parks his brand new Porsche in front of the office to show it off to his colleagues. As he’s getting out of the car, a lorry comes speeding along too close to the kerb and takes off the door before zooming off. More than a little distraught, the banker grabs his mobile and calls the police. Five minutes later, the police arrive. Before the policeman has a chance to ask any questions, the man starts screaming hysterically: ‘My Porsche, my beautiful silver Porsche is ruined. No matter how long it’s at the panel beaters it’ll simply never be the same again!’ After the man finally finishes his rant, the policeman shakes his head in disgust. ‘I can’t believe how materialistic you bloody bankers are,’ he says. ‘You lot are so focused on your possessions that you don’t notice anything else in your life.’ ‘How can you say such a thing at a time like this?’ sobs the Porsche owner. The policeman replies, ‘Didn’t you realise that your right arm was torn off when the truck hit you.’ The banker looks down in horror. ‘BLEEDING HELL!’ he screams........’Where’s my Rolex????....

A SPANISH Teacher was ex-

plaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine. 'House' for instance, is feminine: 'la casa.' 'Pencil,' however, is masculine: 'el lapiz.' A student asked, 'What gender is 'computer'?' Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether computer' should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation. The men's group decided that 'computer' should definitely be of the feminine gender ('la computadora'), because: 1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic; 2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else; 3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and 4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it. (THIS GETS BETTER!) The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine ('elcomputador'), because: 1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on; 2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves; 3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and 4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model. The women won. (again)

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Europe English The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the EU rather than German which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five year phase-in plan that would be known as "Euro-English". In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of the "k". This should klear up konfusion and keyboards kan have 1 less letter. There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like "fotograf" 20% shorter. In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be ekspekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkorage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of the silent "e"s in the language is disgraseful, and they should go away. By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v". During ze fifz year, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters. After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi to understand ech ozer. Ze drem vil finali kum tru! And zen world!

45 37


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Santalucia Seguros Hello everyone, allow me to introduce myself, my name is Jamie and I am based in Gran Alacant. I work for Santalucia Seguros who have been operating for over 87 years and are Spain’s Number One insurer. Since I have been operating here I have had many questions asked about insurance and here I hope to answer a few and also in the process, give you peace of mind. In this article I will also make you aware of what we can cover and what you can save with you insurance premiums. The first question is what is known as the burning question regarding the entitlements to health care for Ex-pats here in Spain. The simple answer is to get insurance which would cover the costs of any medical care you receive but I am going to make you aware of why you should choose this option. Staying healthy, or getting treatment for health problems, is a priority for most of us. But if you do need treatment, what do you do without the good old NHS? Most EU citizens living in Spain are entitled to free state healthcare, though it does depend on your personal circumstances including your residential status and if you’ve ever worked in Spain...... If you work in Spain it’s pretty straightforward. As long as you are registered with social security and contribute to the National Insurance scheme then you can get state-run health care on the same basis as a Spaniard. For example take my Mother in law, she has had a problem with her hip and needed treatment, she had a family assistance policy with Santalucia for many years and when she was told she needed an operation she could either wait for 6-8 months or claim on her policy and have it done in 2-3 weeks all for as little as €21.00* a month, which covers (based on a tailored policy, you can decide which options to have). Basic death guarantees, basic accident warranty, optional hospital allowance, other basic and optional guarantees such as Death Assistance, travel insurance, Children assistance, senior assistance, comprehensive legal protection, medical care, and exceptional funeral expenses. So to take advantage of Santalucia and the policies which YOU are in control of call and make you appointment now. Ask about our special offers! Either email Jamietashton@hotmail.co.uk or call 685161183 * based upon age and having a few of the options included

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CROSSWORD 1

CROSSWORD 2

Alpha-Cross 01 The first letter of each answer is written next to its clue in alphabetical order. One letter has already been entered. Can you find the words then fit them correctly into the grid?

Down

1. Extremely cold (5)

1. Chivalrous (7)

4. Out of fashion (5)

2. Guides (5)

8. Communication channel (7)

3. Distinguish (7)

9. Crowd scene actor (5)

4. Writing implement (6)

10. Part of a church (5)

5. Carapace (5)

11. Unlawful (7)

6. Lured (7) 12. Natural abilities or qualities (6) 7. Intended (5) 14. Conundrum (6) 13. Curt (7) 18. Malleable (7)

15. Ludicrous (7)

20. Irritated (5)

16. Interminable (7)

22. Spear (5)

17. Sheep known for its high

23. Acute (7)

quality fleece (6)

24. Stringed instrument (5)

18. Greek letter (5)

25. Overheads (5)

19. Paragon (5)

7

R. Fret (6) R. Denial (7) R. Raucous (5) S. Remuneration (6) S. Sagacious (7) S. Lacking depth (7) S. Gradient (5) S. Secret agent (3) S. Panache (5) T. A score (6) V. Watercraft (6) W. Pensive (7) Y. Tall story (4)

9 5

3

Wordoku key word: Dangerous

1

Answers page 61

21. Male monarchs (5)

4

1 4 2

0

A. Response (6) A. Helped (8) B. Stringed instrument (5) B. Bangle (8) C. Type of salad (6) E. Level (4) H. Drag (4) I. In poor health (3) J. Field event (7) L. Departed (4) L. Large ship (5) N. Callow (5) N. Part of the nose (7) P. Cure all (7) P. Own (7)

Across

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ens

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Golf is a game that needlessly prolongs the lives of some of our most useless citizens…. Bob Hope

'Holy Trinity'

'Respect'

The Holy Ghost, Jesus and God decide

Paddy and Sean were on the 8th green by the road at Ro-

to have a day off and play golf. Holy

manby golf club when a funeral cortege passed by as they

Ghost steps on the tee with his silver

were about to play. Paddy removed his cap bowed his head

driver, puts his silver ball on a silver tee and creams his drive 300yds. down the middle of the fairway. Jesus then gets on the tee with his golden driver, puts a gold ball on a gold tee and does the

The police

are called to

a house and find a woman holding a golf club and

and stood in reverence as the cortege passed by.

standing over a blugend

Sean remarked to Paddy as the procession passed, I didn’t

male on the floor, the police

know you were that religious Paddy??

ask is that your husband?

I’m not replied Paddy but I lived with her for 36 years so you

yes she says, then they ask

have to show a little respect, dont you.

is he dead? yes she replies, then they ask is that a 5

same as the Holy Ghost. God pulls his

iron you hit him with? yes

worn and battered old wooden driver

she replies, then they ask

from his bag, steps on the tee and puts

how many times did you

a dirty, cut and scored ball on a broken

hit him? she replies maybe

wooden tee. He takes a mighty heave

4,5,6,7,8 times she replies,

at the ball and slices it. Just then, an

oh bugger it put me down

Eagle was flying by and caught the

for a 6 she says

ball in it's beak and carried it towards the green, and dropped it 20 foot from

A man’s alarm goes off at 5.00am He casually whispers into his wife’s ear – “intercourse or golf course?” His wife does not flinch an inch when replying – “don’t forget your sweater.”

the pin, whereupon a Hedgehog then pushed it with it's nose into the hole. Jesus then turned to God and said "Aw c'mon Dad it's only a !&*%^$£ friendly game!!!

One day, a scotsman went playing golf. After standing a while on the green he asked the boy standing Someone died playing golf... Fred got home from his Sunday round of golf later than normal and very tired. "Bad day at the course?" his wife asked. "Everything was going fine," he said. "Then Harry had a heart attack and died on the 10th tee." "Oh, that's awful!"she said, to which Fred replied "You're not kidding. For the whole back nine it was hit the ball, drag Harry, hit the ball, drag Harry." Four men, well along in years, had played golf as a foursome every Sunday morning, until one of them passed away. The other three asked the club pro if he could find them a compatible gentleman to fill out the foursome again. "No problem," answered the pro. "But, you have to understand," one of the guys, named George, explained, "that Moe, who died, was like our eyes. We're all getting some cataracts, and have trouble seeing the ball. Moe's eyesight was perfect, and he was our spotter." The pro promised to see what he could do, and, when the others returned the following Sunday, he introduced them to a truly ancient looking gentleman, named Bert. "How old are you?" George asked. "I'm ninety-four," Bert responded. "Fabulous," said George. "But how's your eyesight?" At this, Bert blew up. "Don't insult my eyes," he yelled. "I may be old, but I've got 20-20 vision. I have eyes like an eagle. Don't insult me!" "Okay, okay," the others said. "Let's play golf." George was first on the tee, and he hit a long, low drive, that faded significantly after about 200 yards. He turned to Bert. "Did you see where it went?" he asked the ancient one. "Did I see where it went? I told you not to insult my eyesight. Of course, I saw where it went. I've got eyes like an eagle!" Bert yelled. "Okay, I'm sorry," said George. "Where did it go?" Bert dropped his head, and muttered, "Sorry,I forgot."

beside him: "You are my caddie for today?" "Yes," answered the boy. "You are good in finding lost balls?" "Oh yes, I find every lost ball!" "Okay, boy, then run and search for one, then we can start!" 1. BACK STRAIGHT, KNEES BENT, FEET SHOULDER WIDTH APART. 2. FORM A LOOSE GRIP. 3. KEEP YOUR HEAD DOWN! . 4. AVOID A QUICK BACK SWING. 5. STAY OUT OF THE WATER. 6. TRY NOT TO HIT ANYONE. 7. IF YOU ARE TAKING TOO LONG, PLEASE LET OTHERS GO AHEAD OF YOU. 8. DON'T STAND DIRECTLY IN FRONT OF OTHERS. 9. QUIET PLEASE...WHILE OTHERS ARE PREPARING TO GO. 10. DON'T TAKE EXTRA STROKES. WELL DONE - NOW FLUSH THE URINAL, GO OUTSIDE, AND TEE OFF.

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You tried your best and you failed miserably.

The lesson is ‘never try’...Homer (

Simpson)

LEAVING THE OFFICE EARLY Three girls all worked in the same office with the same female boss. Each day, they noticed the boss left work early. One day the girls decided that when the boss left, they would leave right behind her. After all, she never called or came back to work, so how would she know they went home early?? The brunette was thrilled to be home early. She did a little gardening, spent playtime with her son, and went to bed early. The redhead was elated to be able to get in a quick workout at the spa before meeting a dinner date. The blonde was happy to get home early and surprise her husband, but when she got to her bedroom, she heard a muffled noise from inside. Slowly and quietly, she cracked open the door and was mortified to see her husband in bed with her lady boss!! Gently, she closed the door and crept out of her house. The next day, at their coffee break, the brunette and redhead planned to leave early again, and they asked the blonde if she was going to go with them. “No way”, the blonde exclaimed. “I almost got caught yesterday.”

Woman: “Doctor, I don’t know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk he beats me to a pulp.”

Doctor: “I have a real good medicine for that. When your husband comes home drunk, just take a glass of sweet tea and start swishing it in your mouth but don’t swallow. Just keep swishing and swishing until he passes out.”

JUST MARRIED

Two weeks later the

The newlyweds are in their honeymoon room

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The bride replies, “I can’t wear your trousers.” He replies, “And don’t forget that! I will always

The bride takes off her knickers and throws them at him with the same request, “Try those

time my husband came home drunk, I swished with sweet tea. I swished and swished, and he didn’t touch me!”

on!” He replies,”I can’t get into your knickers!”

Doctor: “You see how

“And you never bloody will if you don’t change

much keeping your mouth

your attitude.”

shut helps?”

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The

British Dental Practice Dr. Paul Saliba LDS University of London 1981

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JULY 2010 Comedy bunnies / hippopotami / cheetahs and whales are 6.7% better starred than the real thing this month, especially on Tuesday’s and Friday mornings. Approaching from the east is a better strategy for most of the month especially at day break on the 9th in any military maneuver in Iraq or Afghanistan. Favor going up stairs rather than going down them if at all possible for 70% of the time. Wearing sunglasses inside is set to provide a moment of poserintrospection this month, especially if you are also playing a piano or saxophone or guitar at the time. The mixture of your Taurus buff good looks and an ability to play an instrument make you irresistibly attractive to everyone once again this month.

Sunflower, peanut, but not walnut oils are your preferred frying oils this month especially when flipping the contents in the pan is required in any Jamie Oliver inspired cooking performance. Gemini drug dealers should hide their stash particularly securely on the 18th or 28th of the month.

TEL: 96 679 6603 103, Calle Madrid Urb. La Marina

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Bats, birds, bulls, and goats that need milking are all well starred, especially at weekends, as Pluto slowly gesticulates up and down. What you need right now is a period of blind faith and what looks like cherries, as Saturn and Neptune become aligned on your chart that is becoming increasingly difficult to read.

‘Oi, you’, ‘Excuse me, Sir, but are you...?’ and ‘What are you looking at friend?’ are the sort of spontaneous interjections you should expect from people you don’t know this month, in meetings on the street, in car parks, or in darkened alleyways. Your chart is particularly difficult to read this month, but seems to have something to do with some sort of winged Disney character?

Yawns, loud sighs and slurping your tongue with your lips and saying ‘num num’ are all perfectly starred this month. Singing, dancing and walking in the rain continue to be so-soly starred. You will be tempted to go against ages old advice and attempt to teach an old dog a new trick. Saturn will decide if you are successful or not. Greece is the last place on earth you should head towards in July.

Ultimatums, threats with a time limit, or just vanilla spiteful insults, are all well starred this month as Uranus is piqued. An ongoing gang feud, neighbor from hell argument or a contretemps with a shelf stacker in a supermarket, indicates that your need for a period of quiet reflection is needed again once the initial storm has passed. Cushions, a hot drink and a really stupidly loyal pet will probably do the trick unless the pet has been kidnapped again.

                                





Now may be the time to learn how to do one of those backwards summersaults from a standing on your feet to standing on your feet position. Sounds unlike you? That’s because Jupiter has been stopping you even thinking about trying this cool exercise. Until now that is... Double kisses on the cheek greetings like Russians do are very badly starred this month. Use your discretion, and hope Saturn has your back in any subsequent shootouts.

                    



A bird thrown head first at a window by the planet Saturn this month will set in train a miscellany of thoughts surrounding your own mortality which will ultimately lead to the discovery of the joys of poetry of the Dead Poets Society (carpe diem variety) or maybe just a really hairy picture of Robin Williams on Google... Truffles, trifles and trans fatty acids continue to be highly starred, especially in high class dress up to the 9’s parties, luncheons or power suppers.



Every single decision, no matter how seemingly trivial it may appear at the time this month, is potentially of pivotal import later on in the year, in the way small things sometimes make a big difference in a murder mystery television movie, particularly a Columbo. Beware butlers, magicians and anybody who befriends you out of the blue at the end of July just before the unmasking ceremony in the library.

  

 

 



��� 

Jupiter has devious plans to test your faith this month: Members of the scientific community are being encouraged to challenge your faith in the unerring accuracy of horoscopes. Never listen to anyone who claims we don’t know what we are saying, we spend years working out what the planets are talking about before we write these predictions. Ultimately it’s up to you to decide, but if the scientist intent on berating your horoscope faith doesn’t go away, ask about the Big Bang Theory...

Dangers of being afflicted with Foreign Accent Syndrome are set to increase 5% for Pisces in Europe this month: 10% chance of French accent, 6% German, 112% Spanish. Mild to medium slanders of people you barely know will come back to haunt you this month, especially if a friend talks behind your back, or you have a radio mic on. Sucking it up is all you can do, really.

55


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des walk Two blon ilding into a bu ink at ... you’d th them f o e n least o seen e v a h ld wou it.

What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, ‘Doctor, doc-

Phone answering machine message ... ‘If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key.’

tor, I can’t feel my legs!’ The doctor replied, ‘I

I went to the butc the oth er day a her ’s nd I bet him 50 quid th at he couldn ’t reach th off the top she e meat lf. He said , ‘No, th e steak are too s high.’

know you can’t, I’ve cut your arms off.’

Our ice-cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

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end My fri d in a e drown muesli. f o l rant bow g cur n o r t . As n i him pulled

I went to a seafoo d disco last we ek ... an d pulled a musc le.

A guy goes into the doctor’s. ‘Doc, I’ve got a cricket ball stuck up my bottom.’ ‘How’s that?’ ‘Don’t you start!’

So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me, ‘Can you give me a lift?’ I said, ‘Sure, you look great, the world’s your oyster, go for it.’

Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It’s not me so it’s either my Mum or my Dad, my older brother Colin or my younger brother HoCha-Chu. I think it’s Colin.

to the vet. ‘My dog’s cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?’ ‘Well,’ says the vet, ‘let’s have a look at him.’ So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks

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A man takes his Rotweiler

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PUZZitioLnEs S Kids Are Sol Quick from page 57

Easy Soduku

TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find Alicante MARIA: Here it is. TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered Alicante ? CLASS: Maria. TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?

Hard Soduku

TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell ‘crocodile?’ GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L’ TEACHER: No, that’s wrong GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it. TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water? DONALD: H I J K L M N O. TEACHER: What are you talking about? DONALD: Yesterday you said it’s H to O.

Wordoku

TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn’t have ten years ago. WINNIE: Me! TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty? GLEN: Well, I’m a lot closer to the ground than you are.

Crossword 1

TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with ‘ I. ‘ MILLIE: I is... TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, ‘I am.’ MILLIE: All right... ‘I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.’ TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father’s cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn’t punish him? LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand...

Crossword 2

TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating? SIMON: No sir, I don’t have to, my Mom is a good cook. TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on ‘My Dog’ is exactly the same as your brother’s. Did you copy his? CLYDE: No, sir. It’s the same dog. TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested? HAROLD: A teacher

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One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very Sexy nightie. ‘Tie me up,’ she purred, ‘and you can do anything you want.’ So he tied her up and went golfing.

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A Polish immigrant went to the DVLC to apply for a driver’s license. First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test. The optician showed him a card with the letters ‘C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.’ ‘Can you read this?’ the optician asked. ‘Read it?’ the Polish guy replied, ‘I know the guy.’

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61


BUSINESS DIRECTORY AIR CONDITIONING DIGINOVA Santa Pola Tel 660 631 380 MAYO Gran Alacant Tel 665 063 228 REFORMNOVA Gran Alacant Tel 670 260 684

ANIMAL RESCUE LEZSONJA’S BOARDING KENNELS Sax, Tel 96 112 0244 ALBERGUE Bacarot Tel 96 596 0224

BARS BUUL & DOG Aspe Tel. 96 549 0406 CAGNEY’S La Marina Tel. 96 679 5486 FLANNAGAN’S Gran Alacant see page 47 SHAMU Gran Alacant see page 36 SUNSET BAR Gran Alacant Tel. 664 277 986

BOOKS

CARDS & MORE

La Marina Tel. 96 679 0954 LA MARINA ANIMAL WELFARE La Marina Tel 96 679 5593 MALVINA BOOKS La Romana Tel. 96 569 6656

BUILDING / MAINTENANCE ALTOMAR Gran Alacant Tel. 96 669 9353 CLIVE COOMBER Gran Alacant Tel 669 593 212 FIRST CHOICE La Marina Tel. 96 679 6039 MAYO Gran Alacant Tel 665 063 228 REFORMNOVA Gran Alacant Tel: 96 541 4040 TJ CONSTRUCTION All Areas Tel. 630 662 221

BUSINESS ASSOCIATIONS TIBA All Areas Tel. 902 906 015

CAR HIRE XTRA RENT A CAR Santa Pola Tel 607 850 664 HONDON RENT A CAR Hondon Tel 96 610 5205

CARPENTRY MAYO Gran Alacant Tel 665 063 228 DAVALLOO Gran Alacant Tel. 672 795 225 REFORMNOVA Gran Alacant Tel 670 260 684

CAR REPAIRS RENAULT Santa Pola Tel 96 541 3746 PERFORMANCE & DIESEL Guardamar Tel. 96 610 7606 SWAN AUTOS La Marina Tel. 96 692 4501 TYRES DIRECT Guardamar Tel. 96 678 2318

CAR SALES FWR CARS El Altet Tel. 96 568 7976 RENAULT Santa Pola Tel 96 541 3746 CLUB CARS La Marina TEL. 96 618 0006 COCHES GUARDAMAR La Marina Tel. 646 763 645

CAR TRANSFERS

CAR SERVICE CENTRE La Marina Tel. 650 821 082 HEADLAMP EXCHANGE La Marina Tel. 96 610 8938 LEGAL SOLUTIONS La Marina Tel. 96 679 6060 RE-REGISTRATION SPECIALISTS La Marina Tel. 650 821 082

62

COMPUTERS BLUE MOON SOLUTIONS All Areas Tel. 655 044 970 SPANISH INKS All Areas www.spanishink.com GRANNET INTERNET Gran Alacant Tel. 649 530 999

CONVEYANCING ANDREA BURNS Gran Alacant Tel 96 669 7824 JLCA LAWYERS Gran Alacant Tel 96 669 8796

DENTAL BRITISH DENTAL PRACTICE La Marina Tel 96 679 6603 DENTURES DIRECT Gran alacant Tel. 619 185 122

DIVING SANTA POLA DIVE ACADEMY Santa Pola Tel. 96 541 4510

DOCTORS CLINICA GRAN ALACANT Gran Alacant Tel: 96 669 7411 EMERGENCY Tel 608 666 455

DOMESTIC APPLIANCES APPLIANCE FIX Gran Alacant Tel. 96 618 3024 EURONICS Gran Alacant Tel. 96 669 5365 ELECTRICIANS/ELECTRONIC

CCW ELECTRICAL Gran Alacant Tel 617 872 405 DIGINOVA Santa Pola Tel 660 631 380 REFORMNOVA Gran Alacant Tel: 96 541 4040 ENTERTAINMENT

FLAMENCO - LOS LUNARES Gran Alacant Tel 96 669 5399 RIO SAFARI Santa Pola Tel. 96 663 8288

ESTATE AGENTS IPG La Marina Tel. 96 679 5233 MASA INTERNATIONAL Gran Alacant Tel. 629 251 747 TOP ALACANT Gran Alacant Tel. 96 669 7357 VICTORIA Gran Alacant Tel. 96 669 7779

FARMACIAS FISCAL FARMACIA GRAN ALACANT Gran Alacant Tel. 96 669 7471 ANDREA BURNS Gran Alacant Tel 96 669 7824 RAQUEL BALLESTER Gran Alacant Tel. 965 710 353

FURNITURE WWB All Areas Tel. 96 619 6563 SECOND HAND FURNITURE La Marina Tel. 96 644 3370 BARCLAYS NEARLY NEW San Fulgencio Tel. 96 672 5725 NEW 2 YOU All Areas Tel. 96 571 5605

HAIRDRESSING FRANCESC AGULLO Gran Alacant Tel. 96 669 5031

HEALTH & BEAUTY BRITISH DENTAL PRACTICE La Marina Tel 96 679 6603 CLARE GALE All Areas Tel. 96 671 7164 FRANCESC AGULLO Gran Alacant Tel. 96 669 5031 MARINA HAIR & BEAUTY Gran Alacant Tel. 606 600 853

HEARING CENTRAL OPTICA Gran Alacant Tel: 966 698 802

HEATING

DIGINOVA Santa Pola Tel: 660 631 380 REFORMNOVA Gran Alacant Tel 96 541 4040

HOUSEHOLD SERVICES MOZISTOP All Areas Tel. 659 259 319

INSURANCE ALMARCHA INSURANCE La Marina Tel. 96 572 9747 GLOBELINK All Areas Tel. 96 626 5000 PERPETUO SOCORRO La Zenia Tel. 678 570 632 ROWLAND INSURANCE Santa Pola Tel 96 541 3076 SANTA LUCIA Gran Alacant Tel. 685 161 183

KENNELS JEAN & DAVE’S Hondon Tel. 660 969 529 LEZSONJA’S BOARDING KENNELS Sax, Tel 96 618 283

KITCHENS

REMOVALS MISTER VAN All Areas Tel. 697 775 588 TRUCK IT All Areas Tel. 96 644 1779

RESTAURANTS AGRA INDIAN RESTAURANT Guardamar Tel. 96 572 8457 COCOA’S Gran Alacant Tel. 96 669 8509 GRILL FLAVOUR Gran Alacant Tel. 96 669 9099 LOS LUNARES Gran Alacant Tel 96 669 5399 OUR PLAICE FISH & CHIPS La Marina Tel. 96 679 5418 SAFFRON Gran Alcant Tel. 96 669 8098 SUNSET BAR Gran Alacant Tel. 664 277 986 WISHING WELL Dolores Tel. 96 671 1653

SHOES SALVADOR ARTESANAO Elche Tel. 96 667 5441

SIGNS / SIGN WRITING

CARLTON KITCHENS All Areas Tel. 650 587 361

CORTES SIGNS Santa Pola Tel. 686 464 076

JLCA LAWYERS Gran Alacant Tel: 966 698 796

JLCA LAWYERS Gran Alacant Tel: 966 698 796 PELLICER HEREDIA Alicante/Hondon + Tel. 96548 0737

MORTGAGES

MOSQUITO NETS MOZISTOP All Areas Tel. 659 259 319

NATURE

MALCOLM PALMER Santa Pola Tel 96 608 2454

NURSING CARE IN THE COMMUNITY All areas Te. 96 597 5459

OPTICIANS CENTRAL OPTICA Gran Alacant Tel 966 698 802 GRAN PLAYA OPTICA Santa Pola Tel. 96 669 1208 SPECSAVERS Torrevieja Tel. 96 692 7249

OSTEOPATH ROSA MARTINEZ Gran Alacant Tel 616 779 034

PAINTERS / DECORATORS MAYO Gran Alacant Tel 665 063 228 REFORMNOVA Gran Alacant Tel 96 541 4040 CLINICA VETERINARIA Santa Pola Tel 96 669 2328

PETS LEZSONJA’S BOARDING KENNELS Sax Tel 96 618 2838 MOUNTAIN VIEW CAT HOTEL Hondon Tel. 96 667 7273

PHYSIOTHERAPY ROSA MARTINEZ Gran Alacant Tel 616 779 034

PLUMBERS DMF PLUMBING All Areas Tel. 96 679 9740 REFORMNOVA Gran Alacant Tel 96 541 4040

POSTAL EASYPOST All Areas Tel. 96 672 0959

PROPERTY RENTALS GRUPO ALICANTE All Areas Tel. 626 393 214 OPI RENTALS Gran Alacant Tel. 96 669 7438 La Marina Tel. 96 679 5422 INVEST SPAIN Elche Tel. 96 542 9396

SOLICITORS

SUNBLINDS TOLDOS PENALVER Santa Pola Tel. 96 543 2350

SUPERMARKETS AJ’s Hondon Nieves Tel. 96 548 0718 SWIMMING POOL (MAINTAINANCE)

GA POOLS Gran Alacant Tel 628 030 184 IMPERIAL POOLS La Marina Tel. 96 677 3079 PJ’s All Areas Tel 619 501 657 SWIMMING POOL (CONSTRUCTION)

REFORMNOVA Gran Alacant Tel 96 541 4040

TAX ADVICE ANDREA BURNS Gran Alacant Tel 96 669 7824 JLCA LAWYERS Gran Alacant Tel: 966 698 796

TOBACCO ESTANCO 7 Santa Pola Tel. 96 669 4716

TRANSLATORS ANDREA BURNS Gran Alacant Tel 96 669 7824 MITCH BULL Gran Alacant Tel. 638 608 422

TRANSPORT AIRPORT FLYER All Areas Tel. 618 834 774 TAXI Santa Pola Tel 609 959 408

TV DIGINOVA Santa Pola Tel 660 631 380 SIMULSAT Santa Pola Tel. 677 878 210

VETS CLINICA VETERINARIA Santa Pola Tel 96 669 8463

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Wednesday and Saturday

DISCO & kARAOKE

Live music EVERY FRIDAY with various local artists

a l F

SPORTS

FOUR GIANT PLASMA SCREENS ALL MAJOR SPORT EVENTS including The World Cup Final on July 11th

gan’s

Different drinks promotions Complimentary Wi-Fi

it’s ! E R E ll H

The pantry kitchen at Flannagan’s

welcomes you to: our incredible steak nights every Tuesday, starting July the 6th. Sirloin steak served with home made onion rings, grilled vegetables and chips

ONLY 9.95€

Alternatively, Fillet steak with all the same trimmings only 14.95€

Why not try our much talked about

A full three courses, with your choice of a combination of 5 starters, 5 main courses and 5 desserts all for only 12.95€ If that’s too much,

just the Main Course great value at 7.95€

or maybe you’d prefer something special from our A La Carte menu

ALL HOME MADE ON THE PREMISES And, for the early starters, our authentic

Irish breakfasts are served daily.

FLANNAGAN’S IRISH MUSIC MAR - PLAZA MAYOR - GRAN ALACANT

AVAILABLE FOR FUNCTIONS

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jungle drums