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COVER We’re off to the Tomatina in Bunol on the 25th of August

this month COMING...? Page 47

this month 4/5 ELCHE BY BIKE... and not giving a Dama... 9 ANDREA...

DA-DA DING, LOOK DA-DING, AROUND MY EYES… DA DING, NOT INTO MY DA DING… EYES… YOU’RE UNDER! We don’t often get complaints at JD Towers, but when we

with a quote from the great orator Jim Royle; ‘my arse!’

do we try to listen to the complaint and deal with it in a

Charlie went on (and on) to say that I was ‘unprofessional’

professional manner. For example, last year, Ash wasn’t

and that 99% of you reading this spend most of your

happy that we started charging for this Mag (yeah…I

time bladdered, ‘because that is all the British do in

know) and we had a series of emails going back and

Spain; get drunk and they don’t need you encouraging

forth. Two differing opinions but we didn’t need to insult

them.’ He’d done a survey amongst his friends the night

private eyes...

anyone while we did disagreed. Unlike a chap I spoke

before apparently – and all of them agreed with him

to on the phone the other day who insulted virtually the

that the use of ‘bladdered’ would drive our readers to

24/5 FIESTA TIME..!

whole expat population and

drink.

the best places to go...

anyone who reads The Sun –

his percentages, I can’t take

no matter where they are.

it too seriously because 99%

28/9 FANTASY FOOTY...

Now, according to him (we’ll

of his group must have been

call him Charlie Chuckle to

bladdered too...?

keep it simple…), by writing

When I defended myself and

articles

magazine I

said that publications such as

life as an expat... . 41 YOUR CAR IN SPAIN... be legal, and safe...

have such an influence over

the tabloid newspapers in the

you the reader that you will

UK use that sort of word often,

do whatever I say – or more

and are clearly

accurately, write. Please tell

publications

44/5 SEASIDE SPECIAL...

me it’s true!

like them or not. He let me

inheritance tax...

12/13 LIVING THE LIFE... life as an expat...

21 THE DETECTIVES...

it’s kicking off...

34/5 LIVING THE LIFE...

in

However

working

& this

on

professional

whether

we

we

know exactly where I, and

part

anyone who has read a tabloid,

series of articles about Santa

stand; quite a long way down

think man, think!

Pola’s importance as a fishing

apparently – and, of course,

port on the Med’ with a light-

below him.

51 FUNNY..

hearted feature on how best

So there you have it….most of

rib ticklers...

to barbecue some tasty local

us here are drunks and Sun

sardines, and how to make a

readers,

55 HOROSCOPES...

refreshing Mojito to go with

saucy stuff...

49 PUZZLES...

star gazing JD style...

62 DIRECTORY...

the business guide...

You

see,

finished

off

last

the

month four

Who the (hic) hell does he

it. If you missed it, retrieve last month’s issue from

(hic) think he’s talking to…

beneath the budgie and have a look. Charlie Chuckle’s

Just in case he is right though, could you all go out and

objection was my use of the word ‘bladdered’ in the title.

credit my bank account, the number is 2090 13

Now I’m all for readers phoning up and complaining if they wish (oh, you do already…) but for Mr Chuckle to say (he did…he really did) that you the reader will go

and muchOUT much THE more NEW CHECK JD WEBSITE out and get drunk after reading that…I must respond ALL THE ARTICLES FORM THE PAST 6 YEARS! Independent Conveyancing

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TYRED OUT IN ELCHE

Exploring a Costa Blanca city by pushbike‌.and how to make hard work of it By Dave Bull Photos Mark Welton

4

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TYRED OUT IN ELCHE

A

Dressed for the part...not really

Key in your code number before you can unhook your bicyle...

Being a silly arse, can have consequences.

Thankfully the kiss of life was not necessary.

Water..water

Friendly staff will help you on your way

Following the well marked cycle paths

s the great bike-maker Sir Walter Raleigh once said, ‘There’s an awful lot of benefits to getting on a push bike and riding around a city…’ having said that, there’s plenty of benefit in staying in and cuddling up on the sofa with your partner in front of a movie, but for the purpose of today’s exercise (geddit?) we’ll be concentrating on mountain bikes rather than mounting…nuff said. You’d have thought, wouldn’t you, that two people who have lived in Spain for a long time would know better than to go out, in the midday sun, wearing black, with no water, and cycle around an inland city –where by definition there is not much of a sea breeze? Not these two wallies…JD editor, Dave Bull and photographer, Mark Welton. No, when whoever it was that created us was handing out the common sense…I was in the wrong queue…still, at least I got a choc-ice at the end of mine. Did you know that you can rent a bicycle in Elche city for next to nothing and take a touristic trip around the city? It’s not bad actually (but go in the evening…) and stopping off at the odd café for something refreshing and a bite to eat means you get to see just what there is to see in Elche – without having to slow down in the car and endure the wrath of an impatient bus/car/lorry driver. The Huerta del Cura for example is one of the finest gardens to be found anywhere in the region and the shade of the overhead palms makes it the perfect spot to sit, relax and call the medics (that was for Mark) or to just chill out and ‘listen’ to the peace and quiet. It is on the route - which is painted green and is out of bounds to motorised vehicles throughout Elche - that will take you from one side of the city to the other. Riding alongside the river for a while we had time to appreciate, not only the historical buildings, but also the huge range of architecture on display. Onwards and forwards and up past the Basilica and into the square for a well-deserved cold drink and a bite to eat before moving on to the museum and the bus station. I could sit and write about all the places we went to on the day or you could leave the other half alone and go and have a look for yourself? It’s well worth it and a great way to see the place – it really is different on a bike, and, believe it or not, you will get around the place quicker than most cars, which, it must be said, keep a good, safe distance from the cycle lanes. To sign up – go along to the Bus Station in Avda Libertad (it is really easy to find) and give them your details (you’ll need a credit card as security). The cost – it’s just 3.54€ for a whole day (although certain ‘simple’ rules apply) and for that you get, a rucksack, a fluorescent armband, a flashing light and of course the use of one of the plentiful supply of bikes dotted around Elche. The idea is that you collect your bike from point A and you must return it to any of the twelve other ‘bike stations’ that are located about town. You have thirty minutes to do that (they are less than five minutes apart so no panic) and then you must wait ten minutes before taking another – time for a refreshment? At a cost of less than a dodgy DVD you can be on yer bike, in an historic city and getting some exercise instead of on the sofa – missing the end of the movie. Next month we’re off to do the same in Alicante, in the evening, with some water…unless you can recommend a good DVD?

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ARE YOU SCARED ABOUT THE INHERITANCE TAX? I have dealt with this topic before. But the repeated concern of clients regarding the inheritance tax and general publications creating even more confusion have led me to take it up once again.

andrea burns

QUALIFIED GESTORA

SPANISH PROBATE/INHERITANCES

Urges to set up a company in Spain as the administrator of your assets in order to save on inheritance tax might be good advice if:

SPANISH WILLS

a) your assets are worth a lot of money, b) your heir is a non-relative c) your heir is fortunate enough to possess assets worth more than four million Euros in the first place.

CONVEYANCING

If all three apply then you would be well advised to find some loopholes. But this is not the average situation of the British home-owner in Spain.

POWER OF ATTORNEY

Fiscal help...

The most important factor here is whether you are resident or nonresident. At the moment, the tax free allowance for non-residents still stands at a mere 16.000,- Euros for a spouse/ adult/child. For residents it was raised to 40.000,Euros not so long ago. The tax office also grant a 95 percent tax deduction on the home to a resident bereaved spouse (or child). But only on the conditions that: • both the deceased and the heir are tax-paying residents • the home to be transmitted must have been their principal residence and they must have lived in it for a minimum of five years • they have been registered as such on the Padrón. And an implication worth considering here is that the heir must undertake not to sell the property for 10 years. If they do, they are subject to that tax. I have mentioned this in a previous article, but it is worth repeating. Although you “jointly” own your property as a couple, you are each the sole owner of 50% of the property (the classic case of a married couple, unless you bought in different proportions and stated as such in the deeds). Upon inheriting your late spouse’s 50% share you will fall into the same tax bracket as adult children, parents, brothers and sisters but you will not be exempt. If you wish to know how much your heirs would effectively have to pay at this time and take action if required, or have your mind rested about that subject, please search out your last Suma bill and call me for an appointment.

NOTARY DEEDS PRIVATE SALES CONTRACTS FISCAL REPRESENTATION CAPITAL GAINS TAX NON-RESIDENTS' INCOME TAX N.I.E. NUMBERS RESIDENCE CERTIFICATES URB. DON PUEBLO II BW 140 GRAN ALACANT 96 669 7824 or 639 608 969 ANDREABURNS@ORANGE.ES ‘SINCE 1991’

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WHY DO WE PUT UP WITH IT?

If you’re reading this and thinking about making the move to Spain you really need to read this to be aware of exactly what is in store for you if you do… Ok, so where do I start on preparing you for what might be a revelation or even a spanner in the works for your plans on cutting the apron strings and leaving the motherland. For a start, I must tell you about the Coffee. El café is one of the most important things involved in daily life – comes a close second behind breathing here – and something you’ll need to adapt to if you are to survive the first few months. You see, you will need to get at least 6 or 7 cups down you a day and you’ll need to spend at least an hour over each one – while conversing with another of a like mind and be in no rush to leave should something else have been pre-arranged such as a wedding. Along with building up a strong resistance to Coffee you will also need a bit (and I mean a bit) of stamina to spend the day on the beach or around the pool. It gets so hot here that at times we even have to find some shade or dip into the sparklingly blue (and clean) Mediterranean to cool off if we intend to try and endure the whole day laying down. The consumption of liquids is again necessary too – but we do not have the coffee at this stage of the day – we have to pour copious amounts of cold beers or cheap (and superb) local wines. Then there is the Fiestas – don’t start me on them. Too late. There is not a month goes by that there isn’t something somewhere that the Spanish find to celebrate; there’s even one to commemorate the birth of the Donkey on which Mary bounced into the stable on…. and us ex-pats feel obliged to attend these late night parties if only to placate our native hosts who will insist on pouring more yet liquids (and enough food for a teenage Panda) down your throat until the Sun begins to rise and it’s time to get ready for work. What do the locals go and do then? They only go and remember your name the next time you are around and will insist on you joining them for more food and/ or drink (no matter what the time of day or night), whether you have the time or not…nightmare! Oh, and finally, unlike those amongst you who are here for only a few days or a couple of weeks until you return home – we have to do this nearly every day and for most of the year we get up in the morning and there it is again. Sunshine. Glaring and encouraging us to finish work early of throw a sickie and spend the rest of the day basking in it. You lot back in the land of Gordon don’t appreciate the sacrifices we make daily to live here…but if you still think you’re up to it – come on over….the water’s lovely…and the beer, and the wine, and the Tapas, and the people, and….

12

Bikini Bash is Back It’s back! Bigger, better and bolder than before, the Bikini Bash 2010 is once again going to rock the Costa Blanca as we attempt to break the Guinness World Record for having the most photographed women in bikinis in one place. Sol Productions held the first Bikini Bash on September 20th 2009 to celebrate their 5th anniversary and to try and break the World Record, attempted by Russia who gathered together 1923 women in bikinis. In August 2009 an attempt was made back in the UK in Southend but just 43 women turned up. The Costa Blanca beat that and whilst support was great on the day with over 2000 people enjoying the events on Campoamor beach, weather was not on our side and the record was not broken, so this year, it’s all systems go to ensure the record is bought to the Costas where it belongs! The sun is sure to shine at this year’s event on Saturday 28th August at Chiringuitos Del Sol on Campoamor beach, Orihuela Costa and we’re going all out to beat that record so ladies we need you and your bikinis! Sponsored by Europa Network and in association with Orihuela Costa Town Hall, as well as the all important official count and photo shoot, a full schedule of music and entertainment has been lined up from 4pm til 9pm, TKO FM are also broadcasting so it is going to be fun for all the family, guaranteed! It’s going to be the beach party of the year so don’t miss it!

Male Models Required! Whilst the sight of hundreds of bikini-clad ladies will delight the male population, this year we’ve also got a special treat in store for the ladies who dare to bare as we host a male model catwalk show. So men, we also need you! If you’ve ever fancied showing off that toned torso or strutting your stuff on the catwalk, then now’s your chance! We have an open casting day for all men interested in taking part in the show on the day of the Bikini Bash on Saturday 14th August from 6-8pm at Campoamor Beach. Judging the talent will be Mr Universe and Mr World so guys you need to pull out all the stops to impress! Come early to register

Giving back to the Community Thanks to the support of Europa Network and the Orihuela Costa Town Hall, the event will once again be able to give back to the community and monies raised from the day will be divided between a number of local charities, making it all the more reason to come along and give your support. So girls and guys, put a date in your diary for Saturday 28th August and be part of a record breaking attempt. Bikinis crossed! For more information call 966 761 050 or 691 477 771 (Spanish and Dutch) Businesses wanting to show their support and be part of a sponsorship package can call or email office@solproductions.tv Stay tuned to www.solproductions.tv or find us on Facebook to get the latest updated information.

your local mag’ online and FREE!! - www.thejungledrums.com


Dave Bull Getty the Turd THIRD

There was a ship’s master…but he wasn’t called ‘Bates’ so let’s not go down that route…we were on the Ordisi, a 35 metre mega-yacht based in Santa Pola port. We’d been invited on board for a look around and then full steam ahead for the high seas (ok…Tabarca Island) to see how she performed following a 6 million euro refit. You don’t have to be rich to have one of these mind you, you need to be mega rich because for every hour under power at sea the Ordisi gulps down around 1,000€ worth of diesel, conveniently, the fuel tank on this thing holds 25,000€ so you can imagine the amount of free glasses we got with that lot. Built by local yacht builders Astondoa (model 115-10) the 25 ton Ordisi will cruise at 30 knots which is rapid for a this type of yacht. The power comes from three 16 cylinder, 2000 horse power turbo diesel engines which, if you’re interested come in at around 600,000€…each. Inside it was as luxurious as you would expect with everything finished in the finest detail by the many local craftsmen that have spent the past few months working on it. Domingo himself is a local lad done good. A former professional diver, he has spent the last eight years skippering some of the finest yachts around for some of the richest people around. He told me that one owner’s daughter instructed him from her place on the sunbed up front (ok... ‘Bow’) that she wished to go to Monte Carlo (they had been heading for the Canaries) so he turned the wheel and off they went. The owner wasn’t happy with the marble used on the recent refit…so he ordered that it be replaced – it wasn’t white enough – at a cost of a mere 12,000€ euros each time. Inside the luxury is everywhere. Press a button in bed and the 54 inch plasma screen rises from its hiding place – or how about the one in the Lounge area; a large (original) painting swivels 180 degrees to reveal another massive screen. The bedrooms, of which I counted ten - including staff quarters, are all colour coded – green for right (ok, starboard) and red for the other one… On the bridge Domingo has the very latest technology to help him, including radar, sonar, lunar (just checking to see if you’re paying attention) plus a radio that will connect him to any ship anywhere in the world. Traditional charts are still used though and a map table, which is lit from underneath takes up a fair bit of room – as do the two massive leather chairs, one of which Domingo will use most of the time at sea. Parking this beast is easy…it has bow-thrusters which allow Domingo to literally bring it in sideways if necessary, and by remote control while

standing on the port if he really wants to show off. It’s a different world at sea, especially on a yacht like this one and they do speak a different language at sea don’t they? I mean when asked the best way to get a job and a luxury yacht, someone shouted down ‘Roger the cabin boy!’ I wasn’t sure if it was a call for some help up top… or an instruction…

ASTONDOA

Astondoa began building yachts in 1916 when founder, Jesus Astondoa Martinez set up shop in the town. In those days the yachts were made of wood and a bit smaller – today’s yachts are constructed of steel and aluminium and can be as big as the 138 foot Samurai One which is moored at the end of the port in Santa Pola. More on Astondoa, and their history coming soon…if they let me back again – it wasn’t my fault the empanada exploded over the lounge carpet…

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WRONG WAY ROUND THE PLUGHOLE by Malcolm Palmer

I only went to check it out – leastways, that’s what I told my wife. South of the equator, the water runs the opposite way around the plughole as it drains away – you could have fooled me, I couldn’t tell you which way it goes here, anyway. Well, so there I was, on a flight organised (wrong word!) by Iberogrot, which, no more than eight hours late, deposited me in the steamy heat of Natal. For those of you who don’t have an atlas, it’s on the jutty-out bit of Brazil, just 4º south of the equator. I really went, of course, to add a few birds to my miserable life-list, and because I’m rather fond of Latin America. The vegetation of a huge lump of the vast country of Brazil is called ‘caatinga’ – and consists of tall scrub, containing many succulents (like cactus), growing on poor, sandy soil. It is extremely dense and thorny, and you need to find a vantage point, and watch from outside! I stayed at a little ‘pousada’ – guest house – outside the idyllic, if chaotic, resort of Pipa, and there was enough around there to keep a naturalist busy for a lot longer than my short week. I soon developed a trick, planting a long, bare branch at telescope range from my balcony, so that birds came to perch on it – and did they ever? One morning, no less than 29 birds of fourteen species used my home-made perch. From my balcony, I fell in love with a Great Antshrike – surely one of the most impressive birds I have ever seen, with an eye so red you would swear you were looking in the mirror after a ‘bender.’ A pair of Longbilled Wrens sang magnificently, and a Squirrel Cuckoo foraged practically in touching range. I watched a pair of busy Bananaquits building their nest, in the process destroying a lampshade made by the hotelier. Down at breakfast, Capuchin monkeys scurried all over the place, and vigilance was necessary if you wanted no help in eating breakfast. In the company to two young Spanish couples, I went on a boat-trip, in the ramshackle ‘Maria Maria,’ anchoring in a

cove to swim with playful dolphins, then spotting a huge, ungainly Manatee, or Sea-cow, wallowing in surf. In a lagoon, Ringed Kingfishers and Snowy Egrets abounding, we anchored again, and skipper José and his sidekick prepared a feast fit for kings. I doubt I ate less than twenty delicious oysters, and mussels, skewered camerones, tropical salad, far too much beer and a special liqueur of maracujá completed a memorable day – and I even saw some birds! The rest of the week passed in similar fashion, lazy balcony-birding, long treks in hot temperatures, and lots and lots of birds. Go there – it’s cheap and safe, and great fun, but if, like me, you see a Gray-eyed Greenlet, you’ll be very lucky! And I’ll not recommend the travel company I went with, but if you can find the Pousada Spa da Alma, you won’t regret it.

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22

your local mag’ online and FREE!! - www.thejungledrums.com


August 12th & 13th

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MAD DOGS AND fi·es·ta SPANISH FOLK OUT IN THE AUGUST SUN Well, there you have it, my online dictionary’s description of the Spanish fiesta

life. Closer to home, in June Alicante

Aspe. Every other even numbered

spends over a week hosting events

year, a solemn procession wends it

dedicated to San Juan, which, is just

way the nine kilometres between the

an excuse for a load of arsonists to

towns accompanied by the Virgen

strut their stuff. Wherever they take

de las Nieves. Amidst scenes like

place and for however long, I reckon

an overhead shot of the London

Okay, I made up the last bit because

these local fiestas could just as well

marathon, distraught Hondon villagers

the worldwide interweb didn’t go into

be a giant homage to San Miguel,

bid farewell to their icon, and, just

anywhere near enough detail and I

certainly plenty of the stuff is necked!!

like mourners at an Iranian funeral,

.

think it should have done, and now,

start to flagellate themselves whilst

I’ll to attempt to put even more meat

LA RECONQUISTA

on the bones. Despite being hotter

Next, a very brief history lesson dating

girl only visits Aspe on holiday for a

than a McDonalds Apple Pie, August in

back to the time when Spain was

couple of weeks, imagine the mayhem

these parts is also the month where

conquered by a bunch of hooligans

if she stayed all year. Thankfully for

Spain, a nation seemingly stuck in

who snuck over the water from

the near suicidal Hondonites, I think

a swinging sixties style time warp,

North Africa and made themselves

that’s what they’re called, Aspe town

begins in earnest to properly define

at home here. For eight centuries.

hall has thoughtfully laid on a mini

the word ‘party’. Imagine an Olympic

Eventually, enough was quite enough

tapas festival to help take their minds

Games opening ceremony, any one of

and the vanquished locals rose up,

off things. For two days on August

them will do, and then put it on the

sending the wispy bearded squatters

the 12th and 13th the main drag into

streets of a small town. That’s fiesta

back from whence they came. La

town, Avenida de la Constitucion, will

week!

Reconquista or re-conquest is now

be closed to traffic as anyone who is

celebrated the length and breadth

anyone in Aspe sets up shop to knock

of Spain and is better known as the

out tapas and cañas at a euro a pop.

SAN MIGUEL

weeping uncontrollably. The old

Quite often the organisers will con

Moors and Christians fiestas. Most

you into believing there is a religious

towns and villages combine both and

NIT DE L’ALBA

significance to all the mayhem, so

the resultant week normally descends

Heading back towards the coast,

called Fiestas Patronales, where the

into an orgy of music, fancy dress and

ELCHE gives it big licks during it’s

life and times of a Saint or Virgin,

debauchery. By now you’ve probably

fiestas from the 7th to the 15th with

the patron of the town or village,

sussed where I’m going with this,

two highlights sticking out like a dogs

are commemorated. For example

so here is The Jungle Drums rough

willy. On the night of August the 13th,

San Fermin in the northern city of

guide to some of what’s on, and

the residents of the city, and by proxy

Pamplona, where, first thing in the

whereabouts, in August.

much of the surrounding countryside,

morning twelve pretty cheesed off

enjoy The Nit de L’Alba, the most

the edge of town through cobbled

AN IRANIAN FUNERAL

streets to the Plaza de Toros, about

ASPE is ever so slightly unusual in

Spectacular really is understating

a kilometre away, accompanied by

that the patron is shared with the

things a tad, for a full forty minutes

loads of unfit and drunk people, some

neighbouring village of Hondon de

Elche resembles a war zone, in 2009

of whom will finish up maimed for

las Nieves, until 1839 a hamlet of

some old folk in Benidorm thought

bulls are herded from their pen on

24

spectacular firework show you’ll ever see in honour of the city’s patroness.

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1. Any festival or festive celebration. 2. (In Spain and Latin America) a festive celebration of a religious holiday. 3.The opportunity for a small Spanish town or village to go mental for a week or so, usually accompanied by lots of alcohol, odd costumes and ridiculous quantities of fireworks.

the Costa Blanca was being invaded.

jackpot, it’s a racing certainty you can

operating a three man round the clock

Then, as if by magic, on the stroke

put on the kind of opening ceremony

shift pattern, dining is only ever al-

of midnight the city falls silent and

to make even Beijing look a bit dull by

fresco with beer taps and banqueting

plunges into an eerie darkness as the

comparison. Step forward then SANTA

tables scattered everywhere. Passable

Virgen de la Asunción, illuminated

POLA whose fiesta’s just sneak into

midnight impressions of the Pamplona

by a pyrotechnic halo, rises from the

August because they start on the 31

dome of the Basilica Santa Maria. This

run for nine days, and, tick all the

following morning hung over revellers

breathtaking event is unmissable.

right boxes. For a couple of hours of

are awoken by the sound of cannon

one morning the towns Levante beach

fire at seven am or quite often even

is transformed into a kind of medieval

earlier which is usually the signal to

In amongst all the traditional carnage,

D-Day but with a few less Yanks. The

do it all again.

Elche’s fiestas really are built around

idea is some of those naughty North

the moving and deeply religious

Africans, complete with sharp knives

PILLOCKS AND PIRATES

Misteri d’Elx play. Performed in two

stuck in their belts, try and sneak

Elsewhere in Jungle Drums land, the

parts on consecutive days, the 14

EL MISTERI

st

bull run too are commonplace, and the

ashore only to be fended off by the

24 hour party people of Pinoso and

and 15th, act one, La Vesprà plots

local Home Guard who open fire in

La Romana patiently await their turns

Mary passing away surrounded

noisy and smoky style with trabucos,

to spend at least a week without

by the apostles. La Festa follows

a kind of long barrelled replica rifle, a

sleep and see their beautiful and

during which the burial, assumption

bit like a blunderbuss. Huge fun but be

picturesque towns absolutely trashed

and coronation of the virgin are

sure to cover your ears. Round two of

in the name of celebration. The UK

depicted. These two days are the

the skirmishing inevitably takes place

has nothing quite like the Spanish

most important in the entire year

in and around the castle, where, this

fiestas, sure, way back in 1977 there

and enjoy greater prominence in

time Dads Army aren’t quite as lucky.

were a few street parties for Queenie’s

th

the city calendar than even Holy

Silver Jubilee and before that VE Day,

Week, Semana Santa. In recognition

ALFRESCO DINING

of the stature of the event, The

It matters not where you live, during

excited about is there? You can bet

United Nations Educational,

fiesta season the Spanish take very,

your bottom dollar that within days

Scientific and Cultural Organisation,

very seriously their annual opportunity

of a fiesta, any fiesta, ending, the

(UNESCO), declared the Misteri one

to err, well, behave not very seriously

YouTube servers will be groaning

of the Masterpieces of the Oral and

at all. Men, woman and children,

under the weight of a mountain of

Intangible Heritage of Humanity. Sure,

young or old everyone dresses up to

new footage of pomp, pageant, pirates

quite a gobful but no higher accolade

take part with smiles on their faces

and quite a few pillocks. As you enjoy

is bestowed for cultural expression.

and do so with enormous pride. Town

a kind of week long combination

centre streets are closed to traffic as

of a typical British New Years Eve,

DAD’S ARMY

but there really isn’t a fat lot to get

lavish processions, with row upon

(without all the arrests) and Bonfire

If you’re lucky enough to live by the

row of mighty impressive costumes

Night, spare a thought for the poor

coast, that’s when the Moors and

stroll by with hard looking men and,

sod whose job it is to empty the bottle

Christians festivities start to get even

if you’re lucky, some scantily clad

bank.

more fun. And, if your pretty little

ladies well to the fore. Temporary

seaside town also has a castle, then

discos blast out music, with the DJ’s

KEVIN RENDALL

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CALLE DE LA ALMENARA 22


For more information and a quote call MARIA CAIRNS on 678 570 632 or email: maria@elperpetuo-socorro.com

27


RALLYING AROUND THE STARS

A letter of complaint to Richard Branson... Part one.

HERCULES CLUB de FUTBOL,

who finally won promotion last month, are gearing up for the forthcoming campaign. When I visited the Rico Perez stadium this month, it was a hive of activity, with queues lining up to buy season tickets at the ‘taquillas.’ Although the club is painfully aware of the shortcomings of the stadium, at least it is of a decent size, seating up to 32,000 people, and work is proceeding to improve the car-parking facilities, as well as to upgrade some of the rather tatty facilities. As the Rico Perez is in the hands of the Alicante authorities, long wrangles have taken place, including the one about building a fine new stadium – but the economic crisis has put that one on hold for the time being. The League insists on certain level of facilities being made available, not least with security in mind, when visits from Real Madrid, Barcelona, Valencia, etc., virtually ensure a full house. On the playing side, measures are afoot to strengthen the squad, and the important signing of Olivier Thomert, a tall striker, from French club Le Mans, was the first move in this direction. Season tickets run from a mere 400 euros to a hefty 5,000 for a seat with the toffs, and are on sale at the ground, but don’t delay, as demand is bound to be high. The season promises to be interesting. Of last term’s promoted clubs, two, Xerez and Tenerife, have plummeted straight back into the second division, proving that, as most fans are well aware, there is a huge gap between the top flight and the rest. Even if Real Madrid and Barcelona slip up, Atletico, Sevilla and the like form an ‘elite’ within that top flight – a maximum of six clubs belonging to that chosen few. It is with the rest, the Almerías and Sportings of the lower echelons, that Hercules will have to contest survival – but it will be great to see them tilting at the windmills of the big boys. pic: help from above will be most welcome as it is surely going to be a struggle mixing it with the likes of Messi, Ronaldo, Forlan, Xavi, Iniesta, Villa, Puyol etc, etc,etc, etc Photo: mark welton - www.foto23.info

I love the Virgin brand, I really do which is why I continue to use it despite a series of unfortunate incidents over the last few years. This latest incident takes the biscuit. Ironically, by the end of the flight I would have gladly paid over a thousand rupees for a single biscuit following the culinary journey of hell I was subjected to at thehands of your corporation. Look at this Richard. Just look at it: [see image 1, above]. I imagine the same questions are racing through your brilliant mind as were racing through mine on that fateful day. What is this? Why have I been given it? What have I done to deserve this? And, which one is the starter, which one is the desert? You don’t get to a position like yours Richard with anything less than a generous sprinkling of observational power so I KNOW you will have spotted the tomato next to the two yellow shafts of sponge on the left. Yes, it’s next to the sponge shaft without the green paste. That’s got to be the clue hasn’t it. No sane person would serve a desert with a tomato would they. Well answer me this Richard, what sort of animal would serve a desert with peas in? Part two...next month


K9 Club Animals For Adoption

URGENT APPEAL

This purebred Boxer was seen taking shade from the hot sun under a road bridge. After seeing him there for a few

days a lady fed him and supplied him with water. She telephoned us and although we were full and had no space available we decided to rescue the dog. After numerous phone calls pleading for assistance a lady we know that has her own private dog rescue facility in her finca agreed to

LA M ARIN A ‘Lidl are getting ready nice and early this year with ‘De-Icer’ on sale,

take him in. A thorough examination by our vet revealed that he has Leishmania and Heartworm disease. He is also ultra anaemic due to the millions of fleas that had infested

in July....in

his body. He has had a blood transfusion for this and we hope that he will survive the next course of highly traumatic treatment that he will undergo to eliminate the heartworms. If he survives this he will then receive treatment

apparently,

for the Leishmania. He is just 4 years old, we have named him Del Boy. Can you sponsor Del Boy to help us pay for the expensive treatment he needs; please call us on 611 606 001 or email k9club@lamarina.info These four small dogs look terrified, and they are. They were been thrown into a disused old reservoir in the middle of nowhere, with no means escape, no water and no food, just left to die in this sweltering basin. It was by pure chance that they were seen before it was too late. When we arrived they were so frightened they did their best to avoid rescue by hiding among all the dead brush and debris in the concrete pit. It took our volunteers hours to rescue all four of them. This is the first photo that one of our volunteers took of them shortly after they arrived at the vet clinic, in the pen huddled together for reassurance. The smallest one is a female and the other three are male. Can you help to foster one or two of them or perhaps you would like to become a sponsor to supply urgently needed funds that the K9 Club can use to provide all the treatment necessary to bring them back to good health and then find each one a loving new home? This Airedale Terrier was dumped from a small van in an urbanisation during a rain storm. The white van had written in English on the side ‘Home Nursing’ and also had different coloured logos or images on it. This dog then laid in a field next to spot where he was dumped for three days. Nearby neighbours became concerned about him and fed him until he was willing to be rescued. He is very gentle and his age is 1 year. His name is Boycee. A lady that was putting her waste into a green basura heard a little noise from inside, she removed a plastic bag that was tied and sealed. These two kittens were inside the bag. She took the kittens and called us. They are just 5 weeks old and after a couple of days in the vet clinic they were declared in good health. They are now available for adoption.

For more information please call 611 606 001 Email: k9club@lamarina.info To view more animals for adoption please go to: www.petsinspain.info

Spain... Next month, they have Aliigator Repellant on offer...you never know...

PORK SCRATCHIN’

More like sweating I think…Mark Heyes from Performance and Diesel car mechanics in Guardamar celebrated reaching 50 (somehow) last month with a whole pig on a spit roast at his birthday party. Obviously some friends came along too…and Charlie, Mark’s Potbellied pig, seemed unaware of his well-tanned cousin above – and enjoyed a beer or two...while, like the rest of us, putting up with…sorry, I mean, enjoying Mark’s favourite music.


Between the Town Hall & Country Life Properties on the Catral Road - DOLORES

30

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Estate Agents Victoria, Fiona Edwards and Jos茅 Luis Llanos ( husband and wife), have been established in the fishing village of Santa Pola for almost 30 years. They are able to offer a large range of property on the Costa Blanca and above all a complete after-sales service, as listed below. All their staff have a good knowledge of the English language and also speak German. A free consultation, property valuation and advice is given to all those considering selling their property, also an estimated calculation on what they can expect to receive after paying all costs. You may call us for an appointment at any time , at our offices situated in Gran Alacant.

FEEL AT HOME We also offer professional advice on all the following matters. Taxes for residents and non-residents. Inheritance tax Spanish wills Application of fiscal numbers(N.I.E.) Application of Spanish residency Transfer of documents on Spanish vehicles Translations Help with medical enquiries Transfer of property ownership Advice on buying and selling in Spain Property insurance Health insurance Power of Attorney Advice on mortgages Advice on rentals Money transfers with excellent rates to any part of the word at no cost. Free consultations

www.victoria.es Inmobiliaria Victoria Avda. Escandinavia, 72 C.C. Altomar II L.10 03130 Gran Alacant 路 Santa Pola Tlf. 966697779 路 966698180 Fax 966697378 sp@victoria.es

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Are you the Costa Blanca’s ‘Special One’ ?

Come and join the MASA International & JungleDrums Fantasy Football League! It’s FREE to enter and courtesy of our friends at MASA International, the winner receives a fantastic cash prize of €250! Plus every month the ‘Manager of the Month’ will win a delicious meal for two at the Hotel MASA in Torrevieja. Each month we’ll be rounding up all the league news and printing the Fantasy Football League table so you can see how your team are performing. Don’t forget you can make transfers, change your squad and even the formation throughout the season. No matter who you support, you will soon find yourself cheering on every player who’s in your team.

Entering a team couldn’t be easier

32


Step 1

Get online Go to www.thejungledrums.com/football (you will be re directed to the official Premier League Fantasy Football web page) Click the ‘sign up’ to register.

Step 2

Pick your squad Take your pick of players plying their trade in the Premier League With a budget of £100 million, choose a squad of 15 players made up of: 2 Goalkeepers 5 Defenders 5 Midfielders 3 Forwards No more than 3 players can be selected from a single team.

Step 3

Join ‘The Jungle Drums’ LeagueClick on the ‘League’ link which can be found on the left hand side of the web page. Then click on ‘create/join league’ link. You will see the ‘Join a Private League’. Now simply enter the following code to the box 245256-65890 and hit the ‘Join Private League’ button. That’s it, you’re in! Have fun and we wish you the very best of luck in the MASA International & Jungle Drums Fantasy Football League.

Watch out for the league table in next month’s Jungle Drums!

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The premier group on the Costa Blanca for legally registered businesses. Find out more about our services and guarantees to our customers at:

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



       



     



 

 

36

The premier group on the Costa Blanca for legally registered businesses. Find out more about our services and guarantees to our customers at:

www.tibacb.com

Any legal businesses wishing to join

The International Business Association

E-mail: info@tibacb.com Have confidence in who you call

Tel: 902 906 015


Drums e l g Jun

GOING

BANANAS!

For some great summer fun…what better than sitting on a huge banana…? Steady ladies….

It’s long been said that things are a little

way to relax. We’ve been down and had

water-skiing, wake-boarding, diving,

nuts at JD Towers but this month we’ve

a go (of course) and the Banana Boat’s

snorkelling and crocodile hunting (just

gone bananas – literally!

owner, Marianno has promised give

checking that you’re still with me). But if

You know it’s summer in Spain when

anyone who takes down a copy of his

you are serious about enjoying summer

the roads are packed, the neighbours

advert (below) a great time.

in Spain come on down to Gran Playa

are noisy (er) and the dog doesn’t stop

Along with the big yellow thing,

and have some great fun with Marianno

panting… another sign is the sight of

Marianno also offers all types of

and us if we’re still there, and don’t

the Banana Boat ride on Gran Playa

water-sports (we checked them out

forget to take the advert.

beach Santa Pola and if you haven’t had

thoroughly,) from his gazebo next to the

a go yet – try it, its great fun and a cool

entrance of the Club Nautico, including

Happy bouncing…

GRAN PLAYA - SANTA POLA (On the beach -next to Club Nautico)

HAVE SOME

FUN

THIS SUMMER!

BANANA BOAT RIDES

- only 8€

Relaxing Boat Trips Fishing Excursions Water-Skiing Lessons/Trips DIVING COURSES Trips out Discover Diving Courses to all levels Snorkel Trips (Night & Day)

for more info: call:

634 869 258

mbproduccionesrecreativas@hotmail.com

37


THE GOLD MAN LUMAR JEWELS

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For a personal visit from David, at your convenience, just call to make an appointment or gather a few friends and hold your own jewellery party with the added bonus of 10% commission for you!

WE PAY THE HIGHEST PRICES FOR GOLD ANYWHERE IN SPAIN! Tel. 630 867 924

Email: dbmarshallsnr@aol.com

No Phone or Broadband? Comenersol

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Wireless Broadband up to 3MB Symetrical (both ways) - 33€ per month incl. IVA Telephone also available. Call us for prices

Comenersol Computer Services CCS • • • • • • • •

Hardware Upgrades and Repairs Software Installed in most languages Virus removal New laptops from 410€ Slimline Towers from 340€ TV’s Monitors and Multimedia Ink Cartridges Aftercare Service kev.p@comenersol.com

38

We come to you

or visit our shop in Novelda

Kev Petchey : 680564967 Office: 965605437

Visit: www.comenersol.com Or: www.connectcomputerservices.com


Visit usat

GUARDAMAR

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with this advert

Open: Mon - Fri 9am - 6.00pm Sat 9am -1pm

39


THERE IS ONLY ONE NAME IN SANTA POLA

Talleres PEREZ JUAN NEW AND SECOND HAND VEHICLES, REPAIRS, SERVICING AND BODY WORK Talleres Perez Juan S.L Ctra Elche 10 - Santa Pola. Telephone 96 541 5921 or 96 541 3746 40

STILL the cheapest advertising around- TEL. 606 540 408


COMPLETE MOTORING SOLUTIONS

EVERYTHING YOU NEED FOR YOUR CAR IN SPAIN

E E

ITV’s

E E

VEHICLE RE-REGISTRATION

E E

CAR SERVICE CENTER

E E

VEHICLE TRANSFERS

E E

SPARES & ACCESSORIES

E E

REPAIRS SHINY LAMPS SL SPECIAL OFFER !

BUY ONE GET ONE FREE ! OIL and FILTER CHANGE 60€ Contact us for details. “

RE-REGISTRATION SPECIALISTS &

TAKING IT EASY... Hi, it’s August and we are having a summer break, so let us re-introduce ourselves, we are Anita, Steve, Emily, Andy and Mick of COMPLETE MOTORING SOLUTIONS, quite a mouthful, but very apt, in that we can

CURRENT TOPICS. Thinking of Re-Registering your Right Hand Drive, UK vehicle? Excellent idea, but be wary, you will have only 60 days, following your first

provide you with solutions to the multitude of

signing of the Padron, at your Town Hall, to

everyday, Spanish, motoring problems.

gain exemption from the First Registration

Our years of Spanish experience, in all

Tax, through the Change of Residence rules,

motoring matters, are available to you via, telephone, fax, e-mail, our website, or why not call and see us in our comfortable office,

with a letter from the British Consulate. However, paying the Tax may well be less costly than gaining the exemption, contact us and we can give you clear guidance as to the

in La Marina village, or at our Workshop

most economic solution.

facility in La Hoya, (opposite the Petronar

Please note that before signing on your local

petrol station), where a warm welcome is assured. Whether you wish to Re-Register your UK

“Padron” you will generally be required to have obtained the Residence Certificate, (Certificado de Registro) available from the National Police (Comisaria).

vehicle, transfer ownership of, or need an

We are having many enquiries from

ITV, for your Spanish vehicle, we are here to

customers, who are thinking of buying a

help by providing an efficient, stress-free and

Right Hand Drive car, that is already in

courteous service. From our fully equipped workshop, we can handle all mechanical work, for any make

Spain, our advice is be very wary, there are many pitfalls that may preclude the vehicles’ Re-Registration in Spain. Please, if you are considering such a move, do contact

of vehicle, Andy; our Auto Electrician is

us for the best advice, before you are fully

always available to track down any electrical

committed to the purchase.

gremlins. Our service extends to full Body Shop facilities, for accident repairs or body and paintwork cosmetics.

Should you have a query, regarding any aspect of motoring in Spain, please feel free to contact us for friendly advice, either by

E-mail us with your mechanical problems and

phone or fax; 965 419 769, or

Steve or Andy will be sure to have solutions

E-mail; mick@completemotoringsolutions.es

for you.

Or view our website; www.

SEE THE LIGHT USE THE HEADLAMP EXCHANGE EXCHANGE FULL WORKSHOP FACILITIES AVDA DE L’ALEGRIA 106 FOR ALL YOUR CAR NEEDS LA MARINA VILLAGE SPARES, OIL FILTERS, 03194 ELCHE BRAKES, TYRES ETC. ALICANTE CALL 96 541 9769 www.COMPLETEMOTORINGSOLUTIONS.ES

completemotoringsolutions.

We can renovate your dull, dirty, yellowed and fadedheadlights back to new.All plastic lights faded by hot sun.Also all LHD headlights available at excellent rates, also lamp rebuilds & conversions for Japanese imports

TRADE ENQUIRIES WELCOME

call 96 541 9769

NEW LOW! LOW! ADVERTISING RATES - TEL. 606 540 408

41


42

your local mag’ online and FREE!! - www.thejungledrums.com


“for all your home and business computer needs”

“BlueMoon Solutions is the computer and IT services company on the Costa Blanca. We aim to provide high quality computer services at realistic prices - we specialise in providing services to small businesses and home users”

Broadband Setup New Computers & Laptops in English Repairs & Upgrades Compatible Ink Cartridges Phone Calls Using Your PC Website Design Competitive Rates

What Is Twitter? PC and Server Health Checks

Microsoft Office Training Server Monitoring Backup Solutions Web and Email Hosting Windows Server Configuration Network & Wireless Setup

You may, or may not have heard of it, but this month we look at how you can use it, why you would want to use it and what applications you need in order to access or post your tweets. Twitter is an Internet based application that allows people to communicate short messages, it is a two way communication tool but is predominantly used one way – i.e. you use it to communicate your message to those that are interested in hearing what you have to say. Once setup you can invite people to “follow” you on twitter and when you send a message, it’s those “followers” that receive it.

1. For people or organisations to get their message or general useful information out to those that are interested in receiving it (this is one of the ways in which BlueMoon send out useful computer information to our followers). 2. For groups of friends or likeminded individuals to share information.

Anti-Virus & Security No Call Out Fee

3. For famous people to communicate information about themselves.

No Job Too Small

Email or phone us for friendly help and advice office@bluemoonsolutions.es www.bluemoonsolutions.es

Office: 902 906 200

This month we look at Twitter, the communication tool used by many, including the famous to communicate with millions of people.

Twitter is used in predominantly three ways..

Macro Writing

mobile: 655 044 970

Welcome to this month’s computer article written by Richard from BlueMoon Solutions

Thereare many famous tweeters, probably the most prevalent is Stephen Fry, the British actor, and his tweets are followed by well over a million people, you can see his posts at http://twitter.com/STEPHENFRY Other famous twitter users include John Cleese http://twitter.com/JohnCleese with over 400,000 followers, Russell Brand http://twitter.com/rustyrockets with over 100,000 followers

WHY PAY MORE?

and down with a paltry 80,000 followers we have the Boris Johnson http:// twitter.com/MayorOfLondon You can get your own twitter account by going to www.twitter.com and clicking on the “join today” button, once you have completed your registration there are a number of programs that you can use to send and receive messages, probably the best that I have used is TweetDeck, it’s easy to use and free to download from www.tweetdeck.com BlueMoon uses Twitter to keep our customers up to date with all kinds of information, you can follow us easily by going to our website at www.bluemoonsolutions.es and clicking on the “follow me on twitter” button, you can also see our recent postings together with all of our previous articles. Once you get used to using twitter, you will become more familiar with terms like “hash tags”, trends and retweeting, the first are ways of tagging words within your message for example #BBC or #GranAlacant these tags can then be used to help find information on the Twitter network. Trends are easily available from the twitter website, they are the hot topics of the moment and re-tweeting is a way of sending tweeted information on that you have recieved. And finally, Twitter is mobile, pretty much all of the current mobile phones with Internet access have the ability to send and receive twitter messages.

the best ad prices- TEL. 606 540 408

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44


STILL the cheapest advertising around- TEL. 606 540 408

45 37


your No.1choice!

Coches Guardamar

We are the Costa Blanca’s leading car specialists

4,690€

20,690€ Kia Sorento 2006, 2,5 Diesel Automatic, 64,000kms, Leather Interior, Fully Equipped, Electric Sunroof. Perfect Condition.

Nissan Micra 2003 72,000kms Like New 5 door, A/C, PAS, Service History

6,999€

Chevrolet Calos 12,000km - 2006 ARRIVING SOON!

All cars include a new ITV, 1 years warranty & document transfer

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Servicing - Mechanical Repairs - Pre ITV Body Repairs Tyres - Exhausts - Batteries - Air Con Regassing Document/Registration Transfers

A professional service you can trust TO

Opening Times

Mon - Fri: 10.00-5.00pm Sat: 10.00-2.00pm Later by appointment only 46

LA

LA MARINA VILLAGE

M

AR

IN

A

VI

off the N332 - Direction Alicante

LL

AG

E

NEW

ALICANTE LIDL

N332 Mercadona

your local mag’ online and FREE!! - www.thejungledrums.com

GUARDAMAR


GETTING REALLY SAUCY! COME TO THE TOMATINA ...WITH US! For a plum day of puree fun, you just can’t beat throwing tomatoes at your mates although obviously not the tinned ones as that would hurt, and in some cases, be a waste of money. So why not come along on the 25th of august to the infamous ‘Tomatina’ in Buñol, near Valencia – at least after an hour of chucking (and receiving) them you can tell your friends back home that you’re well red… We have a coach (no…not Terry Venables) leaving Gran Alacant at 8am on the 25th to take anyone who is up to it to the festival that is famous all over the world. All you need to do is give us a ring here at the Jungle drums on 606 540 408 or call in to one of our JD partners (see below). The cost is just 25€ to get you there and back, and of course get some splattering done in between. The coach arrives back in GA at around 5pm just in time for a buffet (if required please advise) which will be just 5€ each. Come on folks a JD outing that you’ve got to do once! Look out soon for more JD trips and fun…including the forthcoming JungleBall Run….start your engines please… Have fun, and if you can’t come…I’ll ketchup with you later…

Booking Partners GRAN ALACANT -Quicksave LA MARINA - Cards & more LA ROMANA - Malvina Books DOLORES - Wishing Well Bar

WHAT’S IT ALL ABOUT? It all started on the last Wednesday of August 1945, when the young people of that time were in the village square, where the “Tomatina” is celebrated. As the local authorities and the music band were parading during a festival of “giants and big-headeds”, a group of these young people who wanted to participate in the festival pushed the other young people who were wearing costumes. One of the young people fell on the floor, and when he got up he started to hit everyone there, so everybody started fighting. Nearby there was a vegetable market stall in the street with the boxes of vegetables ready to be sold. The young people started to throw tomatos to each other until the police took control and stopped that “battle” and ordered the responsible party to pay for the damages. The following year, the young people of the village repeated the “battle” but they brought their own tomatos from home. Again this was broken up by the local police. After repeating the same celebration during consecutive years, the festival was non-officially established. These people did not imagine that they had established a tradition that would grow year by year.

only

25€

Rules (please read carefully First ‘bang’ – start chucking Second ‘bang’ stop chucking

Call ‘Tom’ 606 540 408 for more info’

More than 800 customers annually can’t be wrong

Autoairport Auto Airport Parking both Alicante & Murcia airports annual fee 250€ we collect from both airports & store the vehicles until your return & re-deliver on the day of your arrival.

We also provide special discounted rates for short term parking either weekly or monthly. If you are planning a trip to the UK, Ireland or some other exotic location, there’s no more convenient way to begin or end your journey than in your own car! The only problem is safe, secure and affordable parking... Autoairport is the best answer. We offer an airport parking service which covers both local airports. You leave your car at the airport, we pick it up and store it while you are away and then take it to either Alicante or Murcia airport

Tel: 620 438 609 • 96 677 0974 autoairport@gmail.com STILL the cheapest advertising around- TEL. 606 540 408

47


40

WHY PAY MORE?

the best ad prices- TEL. 606 540 408


CROSSWORD 1

CROSSWORD 2

Alpha-Cross 01 The first letter of each answer is written next to its clue in alphabetical order. One letter has already been entered. Can you find the words then fit them correctly into the grid?

Down

1. Chronicle (7)

1. Oasis (5)

5. Proverb (5)

2. More than two or three but

8. Graphic (5)

not many (7)

9. Cautionary advice (7)

3. Of long duration (3)

10. Help grow and develop (7)

4. Gaped (6)

11. Free of impurities (5)

5. Fruit (7)

12. Neckband (6)

6. Stage whisper (5)

14. Systems of principles (6)

7. Machines (7)

17. Hackneyed (5)

12. Piece of furniture (7)

19. Facets (7)

13. Complaint (7)

21. Gullibility (7)

15. Tooth (7)

22. One of the senses (5)

16. Ravine formed by a river (6)

23. Larceny (5)

18. Racket (5)

24. Unprocessed or

20. Hex (5)

manufactured (7)

22. Toddler (3)

5

1

3

Wordoku Letters used- E Z O K R T V I A

4

1 4 2 Answers page 51

9

7

R. Parts of a ladder (5) S. Hallowed (6) S. Time of year (6) S. Creep (5) T. Mock (5) T. Betrayal (7) T. Shudder (6) T. Branch of a river (9) U. Common (5) V. Planet (5) Y. Units of time (5)

0

A. Creatures (7) A. Irritated (7) A. Main artery (5) A. Greed (7) B. Armed robber (6) B. Candid (5) C. Seizure (7) C. Stringed instrument (5) D. Measures of medicine (5) E. Train (7) H. Source of danger (6) I. Envisage (7) O. Acquire (6) O. Taxing (7) P. Monetary (9)

Across

your local mag’ online and FREE!! - www.thejungledrums.com

49


50

WHY PAY MORE?

the best ad prices- TEL. 606 540 408


at a restuarante near you

PUZZitioLnEs S Sol

from page 49

Michelangelo’s David visits the USA

Easy Soduku

Hard Soduku

Customer: Waiter, what's your name? Waiter: George, but everyone calls me pool cue. Customer: Why do they call you that? Waiter: Because I work much better with a tip.

Wordoku

Crossword 1

Waiter: Are you the filleted mackerel, sir? Customer: No, I'm the lonely sole with an empty plaice waiting for someone to fillet.

sponsored by

Angry Customer: You're not fit to serve a pig. Waiter: I'm doing my best sir.

Crossword 2

Two lawyers went into a diner and ordered two drinks. Then they produced sandwiches from their briefcases and started to eat. The waiter became quite concerned and marched over and told them, "You can't eat your own sandwiches in here!" The attorneys looked at each other, shrugged their shoulders and then exchanged sandwiches. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British. On the other hand, the French eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British. The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British. The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British. Conclusion: Eat and drink what you like. It's speaking English that kills you.

A guy goes into a restaurant / lounge wearing a shirt open at the collar and is met by a bouncer who tells him he must wear a necktie to gain admission. So the guy goes out to his car and he looks around for a necktie and discovers that he just doesn't have one. He sees a set of jumper cables in his trunk. In desperation he ties these around his neck, manages to fashion a fairly acceptable looking knot and lets the ends dangle free. He goes back to the restaurant and the bouncer carefully looks him over for a few minutes and then says, "Well, okay, I guess you can come in ... Just don't start anything."

STILL the cheapest advertising around- TEL. 606 540 408

51


renovations

construction

refor nn nova 52

RENOVATIONS PARQUET FLOORING AND SYNTHETIC FLOORING KITCHEN AND BATHROOM EQUIPMENT PAINTING AND DECORATING .. we have.

Everything You Need!

PLUMBING ELECTRICAL WORK HEATING DOORS

AIR CON

WINDOWS

Hot & Cold +

SEALED UNITS

RADIATORS

PLASTERING

Prices!! at Great

IRON WORK AIR CONDITIONING

Avda Escandinavia 72 Altomar, 669 Gran Alacant

96 541 4040 Mobile:

660 417 845

Email: REFORNOVA1@ALOCOM.NET

INSURANCE AGENTS Cars Houses Communities Life

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DISCOUNT For New Clients!

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Specific Products for Foreigners Living In Spain with DISCOUNTS up to 30% on Cars !

the best ad prices- TEL. 606 540 408


The Female Demerit System IT COULD BE WORSE... You tried your best and you failed miserably.

In the world of romance, one single rule applies: Make the woman happy.

The lesson is ‘never try’...Homer (

Do something she likes and you get points. Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted. LEAVING THE OFFICE

Simpson)

EARLY

Three girls in doing the same officeshe with the same female boss. You don’t get all any worked points for something expects. Sorry, that’sthey the way the game is played. Each day, noticed the boss left work early. One day the girls decided that when the boss left, they would leave right behind her. AfHere is ashe guidenever to thecalled point or system: ter all, came back to work, so how would she know they went home A father passing by his son’s bedearly?? room was astonished to see that his SIMPLE DUTIES Themake brunette was thrilled to be home early. She did a little gardening, spent playtime bed was nicely made and everything You the bed (+1) was picked up. Then he saw an with her son, and went to bed early. You make the bed, but forget the decorative pillow (0) Envelope, propped up prominently on Thethrow redhead was elatedover to be able to get in a quick workout at the spa before meeting You the bedspread rumpled sheets (-1) the pillow that was addressed to You go out to buy her what she wants (+5) in the rain (+8) a dinner date. ‘Dad.’ But with Beer (-5) to get home early and surprise her With the worst but premonition he got Thereturn blonde was happy husband, when she You check out a suspicious noise at night (+1) opened the envelope with trembling to her bedroom, she heard a muffled noise from inside. hands and read the letter. You check out a suspicious noise, and it is nothing (0) Slowly and she noise cracked the door (+5) and was mortified to see her husband in You check out quietly, a suspicious and open it is something bedpummel with her lady boss!! Dear Dad: You it with iron rod (+10) Gently, she(-20) closed the door and crept out of her house.It is with great regret and sorrow It’s her pet that I’m writing you. had to elope The next day, at their coffee break, the brunette and redhead planned toI leave early with my new girlfriend because I SOCIAL ENGAGEMENTS again, and they asked the blonde if she was going to go with them. to avoid a scene with Mom You by her the entire party “I (0)almost got caught wanted “Nostay way”, theside blonde exclaimed. yesterday.” and you. You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with an old school friend (-2) I have been finding real passion with Named Tina (-10) Woman: Stacy and she“Doctor, is so nice.I don’t Tina is a dancer (-20) HER BIRTHDAY You take her out to dinner (+2) You take her out to dinner and it’s not a sports bar (+3) Okay, it’s a sports bar (-2) And it’s all-you-can-eat night (-3) It’s a sports bar, it’s all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colours of your favourite team (-10) A NIGHT OUT You take her to a movie (+1) You take her to a movie she likes (+3) You take her to a movie you hate (+6) You take her to a movie you like (-2) It’s called ‘Death Cop’ (-3) You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans (-15) YOUR PHYSIQUE You develop a noticeable potbelly (-15) You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it (+10) You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to baggy jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts (-30) You say, “It doesn’t matter, you have one too.” (-8000)

JUST MARRIED

THEThe BIGnewlyweds QUESTION are in their honeymoon room She asks, “Do I look fat?” (-5) (Yes, you lose points no andwhat) the groom decides to let the bride know matter You hesitate in responding (-10) where she stands right from the start of the You reply, “Where?” (-35) Anymarriage. other response (-20)

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He proceeds to take off his trousers and throw COMMUNICATION When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, disthem at her. He says, “Put those on.” playing what looks like a concerned expression (0) You The listen, for replies, over 30 “I minutes bride can’t (+50) wear your trousers.” You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the He TV replies, (+500) “And don’t forget that! I will always She realizes this is because you have fallen asleep wear the pants in the family!” (-4000) The bride takes off her knickers and throws them at him with the same request, “Try those on!” He replies,”I can’t get into your knickers!” “And you never bloody will if you don’t change your attitude.”

know what to do. Every But I knew you would not approve of hertime because of husband all her piercing, tatmy comes toos, home drunkclothes he beats mefact tight motorcycle and the thattoshe is much older than I am. a pulp.” But it’ s not only the passion...Dad she’s pregnant. Doctor: “I have a real good Stacy said that we will be very medicine for that. When happy. She owns a trailer in the woods and your husband comes home has a stack of firewood for the whole of drunk, just take a glass winter. and Wesweet share atea dream of start havingswishmany more ing it in your mouth children. but don’t swallow. Just Stacy hasswishing opened myand eyesswishing to the fact keep that marijuana doesn’t really hurt until he passes out.” anyone. We’ll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people that liveTwo weeks later the nearby for cocaine and ecstasy. woman comes back to the In the meantime we will pray that doctor looking fresh and science will find a cure for AIDS so reborn. Stacy can get better. She deserves it. Don’t worry Dad. I’m 15 and I know “Doctor, that howWoman: to take care of myself.

was a brilliant idea. Every Someday I’m sure that we will be time my husband came back to visit so that you can get to know home drunk, I swished your grandchildren. with sweet tea. I swished Love, Your Son John and swished, and he didn’t PS. Dad, none of the above is true. touch I’m over at Tommy’s house. me!” I Just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than a Report card that’s myhow centre desk Doctor: “You in see drawer. much I love you.keeping your mouth Callshut me when it’s safe to come helps?” home...

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Thoughts, which can only really be described as Kamikaze in nature, are predictably badly starred this month, especially after the 8th. Avoid oriental cuisine 5 days either side of this date, but, if this is unavoidable, try not to sit near an open window. Jupiter’s transgressions on a Neptunian trajectory, suggests avoiding hoppy-type animals, especially ones with pouches to hold their young. Do not return calls from a person called Skippy until late into November. You will aggressively overtake a circus dwarf whilst he is taking his driving test this month. This will anger the dwarf so much that when you inevitably attend one of his performances, around the 16th, he will mercilessly harangue you until you cry. Take two boxes of tissue and a small blanket to avoid the media when you leave the performance.

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                               



This month a tennis match and a bowl of strawberries should not be used as an excuse to put off an important decision. Split up a half finished book of Post-It notes and use them to construct a timeline of your life’s achievements to date. Now that the Summer solstice has passed (on 21st June) you are 50% more likely than usual to invent a new world religion and construct a hypothesis for water purification for the third world. Frankincense and tinned beans in a tomato sauce are two substances which are set to make this month a much more livelier one than of late. Jupiter has cast its proverbial net over the imaginary tropic of Malaysia with the result that any attempts to make your TV remote work without massaging the batteries first is doomed to failure. Someone with your name will be excommunicated in Rome this month. Do not let this put you off going to church on Sunday, although perhaps it is best to take your passport with you.

A not much happening month - spend as much of your time as possible on the beach with a bucket and spade. Mercury’s flagellation of Neptune’s under region presents an interesting life changing possibility on the 8th. Inflatable sex dolls are well starred, in particular sheep or human forms. Resist your initial impulse of propriety only so that it increases the erotica at a later time. A well meaning, but completely inappropriate, Plutonian interference is to blame for a seemingly accidental meeting with a man who had at one point in his life lost everything, but then found it all again in Tibet. Mercilessly pummel this forgetful person for philosophical thoughts for a book that you intend to write in your retirement. WARNING: DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES TELL HIM WHERE YOU LIVE. This month your favoured meditation colour will be orange, and the chant sound will be not dissimilar to ‘Uhhmmmmm - aaaaah!’.

                    



A prehistoric find will adversely impact on your well being this month when it appears that a picture of your dog was carved in a newly discovered Red Indian cave 14,000 years ago (yes it is him, his name is written underneath). Resist the temptation to call the media, they will track you down in due course, use this lead time to find a hiding place. Your favoured proverb this month will be: ‘Many hands make light work’.

The Summer Solstice in the northern Hemisphere has triggered a rare parallel duality which may present itself to you in the form of a neighbour who claims to be able to travel through time. Listen to your neighbour’s meanderings for no more than 7 minutes tops before claiming there is something in the oven you must urgently attend to. Your neighbour will recognize this as the international time traveler’s sign of ‘10-4 over and out’ and will completely understand your speedy exit.





AUG 2010 With Venus in retrograde, take this opportunity to temper your typically arrogant SoB Ariean attitude. In Roman times, Emperors employed minions to walk at their side telling them: “Remember you are mortal.” Employ a server from your local donut shop to provide this service for you this month: pay 2€ above the minimum wage for this part time, evening only, position. Your optimal meditation colour this month is purple with yellow stars, and your chant sound is “ppppptttfffft” (using pursed lips).



On reading the early chapters of the new Harry Potter book out on 21st July you will be shocked to realize how much your life mimics that of the character Dumbledore. Get to page 113 and stop reading for the rest of the month to be on the safe-side. A homosexual will give you a piece of advice that you will later rely on to place a large, successful, bet with a heavily set thug from the docks.

  

 

 

As a verbose Aquarian, you can sometimes come across, accidentally, as a consummately persuasive person. Use this valuable talent for negotiations involving a land deal with simple folk. Itemize all of your expenses this month in a small blue book which you should keep safely and secured from flood and fire, but not pestilence.



 

This month dream premonitions are likely to be more accurate than ever as Mars is ingratiated with Neptune in a moment of cautious nocturnal bondage. Allow these dream messages to determine every single one of your decisions this month. Sometimes dreams can be rationalized literally, other times symbolically. Choose which is which by flipping a coin - Heads is literally, tails symbolically, but only until the 16th.

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The centre opens weekdays from 9am to 6pm (no Siesta) Saturday mornings 9am to 1pm. So for a friendly chat or any advice you may need, please do not hesitate to give us a call on:

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BUSINESS DIRECTORY AIR CONDITIONING DIGINOVA Santa Pola Tel 660 631 380 MAYO Gran Alacant Tel 665 063 228 REFORMNOVA Gran Alacant Tel 670 260 684

ANIMAL RESCUE LEZSONJA’S BOARDING KENNELS Sax, Tel 96 112 0244 ALBERGUE Bacarot Tel 96 596 0224

BARS BUUL & DOG Aspe Tel. 96 549 0406 CAGNEY’S La Marina Tel. 96 679 5486 FLANNAGAN’S Gran Alacant see page 47 SHAMU Gran Alacant see page 36 SUNSET BAR Gran Alacant Tel. 664 277 986

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La Marina Tel. 96 679 0954 LA MARINA ANIMAL WELFARE La Marina Tel 96 679 5593 MALVINA BOOKS La Romana Tel. 96 569 6656

BUILDING / MAINTENANCE ALTOMAR Gran Alacant Tel. 96 669 9353 CLIVE COOMBER Gran Alacant Tel 669 593 212 FIRST CHOICE La Marina Tel. 96 679 6039 MAYO Gran Alacant Tel 665 063 228 REFORMNOVA Gran Alacant Tel: 96 541 4040 TJ CONSTRUCTION All Areas Tel. 630 662 221

BUSINESS ASSOCIATIONS TIBA All Areas Tel. 902 906 015

CAR HIRE XTRA RENT A CAR Santa Pola Tel 607 850 664 HONDON RENT A CAR Hondon Tel 96 610 5205

CARPENTRY MAYO Gran Alacant Tel 665 063 228 DAVALLOO Gran Alacant Tel. 672 795 225 REFORMNOVA Gran Alacant Tel 670 260 684

CAR REPAIRS RENAULT Santa Pola Tel 96 541 3746 PERFORMANCE & DIESEL Guardamar Tel. 96 610 7606 SWAN AUTOS La Marina Tel. 96 692 4501 TYRES DIRECT Guardamar Tel. 96 678 2318

CAR SALES FWR CARS El Altet Tel. 96 568 7976 RENAULT Santa Pola Tel 96 541 3746 CLUB CARS La Marina TEL. 96 618 0006 COCHES GUARDAMAR La Marina Tel. 646 763 645

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CAR SERVICE CENTRE La Marina Tel. 650 821 082 HEADLAMP EXCHANGE La Marina Tel. 96 610 8938 LEGAL SOLUTIONS La Marina Tel. 96 679 6060 RE-REGISTRATION SPECIALISTS La Marina Tel. 650 821 082

62

COMPUTERS BLUE MOON SOLUTIONS All Areas Tel. 655 044 970 SPANISH INKS All Areas www.spanishink.com COMENERSOL Novelda Tel. 96 560 5437

CONVEYANCING ANDREA BURNS Gran Alacant Tel 96 669 7824

DENTAL BRITISH DENTAL PRACTICE La Marina Tel 96 679 6603 DENTURES DIRECT Gran alacant Tel. 619 185 122

DETECTIVES GRUPO 2 Elche

Tel. 96 543 15 54

DIVING SANTA POLA DIVE ACADEMY Santa Pola Tel. 96 541 4510

DOCTORS CLINICA GRAN ALACANT Gran Alacant Tel: 96 669 7411 EMERGENCY Tel 608 666 455

DOMESTIC APPLIANCES APPLIANCE FIX Gran Alacant Tel. 96 618 3024 EURONICS Gran Alacant Tel. 96 669 5365 ELECTRICIANS/ELECTRONIC

CCW ELECTRICAL Gran Alacant Tel 617 872 405 DIGINOVA Santa Pola Tel 660 631 380 REFORMNOVA Gran Alacant Tel: 96 541 4040 ENTERTAINMENT

FLAMENCO - LOS LUNARES Gran Alacant Tel 96 669 5399 RIO SAFARI Santa Pola Tel. 96 663 8288

ESTATE AGENTS IPG La Marina Tel. 96 679 5233 MASA INTERNATIONAL Gran Alacant Tel. 629 251 747 TOP ALACANT Gran Alacant Tel. 96 669 7357 VICTORIA Gran Alacant Tel. 96 669 7779

FARMACIAS FARMACIA GRAN ALACANT Gran Alacant Tel. 96 669 7471

FISCAL ANDREA BURNS Gran Alacant Tel 96 669 7824 RAQUEL BALLESTER Gran Alacant Tel. 965 710 353 WWB All Areas Tel. 96 619 6563

FURNITURE SECOND HAND FURNITURE La Marina Tel. 96 644 3370 BARCLAYS NEARLY NEW San Fulgencio Tel. 96 672 5725 NEW 2 YOU All Areas Tel. 96 571 5605

HAIRDRESSING FRANCESC AGULLO Gran Alacant Tel. 96 669 5031

HEALTH & BEAUTY BRITISH DENTAL PRACTICE La Marina Tel 96 679 6603 FRANCESC AGULLO Gran Alacant Tel. 96 669 5031 MARINA HAIR & BEAUTY Gran Alacant Tel. 606 600 853

HEARING CENTRAL OPTICA Gran Alacant Tel: 966 698 802

HEATING

DIGINOVA Santa Pola Tel: 660 631 380 REFORMNOVA Gran Alacant Tel 96 541 4040

HOUSEHOLD SERVICES MOZISTOP All Areas Tel. 659 259 319

INSURANCE ALMARCHA INSURANCE La Marina Tel. 96 572 9747 GLOBELINK All Areas Tel. 96 626 5000 PERPETUO SOCORRO La Zenia Tel. 678 570 632 ROWLAND INSURANCE Santa Pola Tel 96 541 3076 SANTA LUCIA Gran Alacant Tel. 685 161 183

JEWELLRY THE GOLD MAN All Areas Tel. 630 867 924

KENNELS

JEAN & DAVE’S Hondon Tel. 660 969 529 LEZSONJA’S BOARDING KENNELS Sax, Tel 96 618 283

KITCHENS

CARLTON KITCHENS All Areas Tel. 650 587 361

MOSQUITO NETS MOZISTOP All Areas Tel. 659 259 319

NATURE

MALCOLM PALMER Santa Pola Tel 96 608 2454

NURSING CARE IN THE COMMUNITY All areas Te. 96 597 5459

OPTICIANS CENTRAL OPTICA Gran Alacant Tel 966 698 802 GRAN PLAYA OPTICA Santa Pola Tel. 96 669 1208 SPECSAVERS Torrevieja Tel. 96 692 7249

OSTEOPATH ROSA MARTINEZ Gran Alacant Tel 616 779 034

PAINTERS / DECORATORS MAYO Gran Alacant Tel 665 063 228 REFORMNOVA Gran Alacant Tel 96 541 4040

PETS CLINICA VETERINARIA Santa Pola Tel 96 669 2328 LEZSONJA’S BOARDING KENNELS Sax Tel 96 618 2838 MOUNTAIN VIEW CAT HOTEL Hondon Tel. 96 667 7273

PHYSIOTHERAPY ROSA MARTINEZ Gran Alacant Tel 616 779 034

PLUMBERS DMF PLUMBING All Areas Tel. 96 679 9740 REFORMNOVA Gran Alacant Tel 96 541 4040

POSTAL EASYPOST All Areas Tel. 96 672 0959

PROPERTY RENTALS GRUPO ALICANTE All Areas Tel. 626 393 214 OPI RENTALS Gran Alacant Tel. 96 669 7438 La Marina Tel. 96 679 5422 INVEST SPAIN Elche Tel. 96 542 9396

REMOVALS MISTER VAN All Areas Tel. 697 775 588 TRUCK IT All Areas Tel. 96 644 1779

RESTAURANTS AGRA INDIAN RESTAURANT Guardamar Tel. 96 572 8457 COCOA’S Gran Alacant Tel. 96 669 8509 GRILL FLAVOUR Gran Alacant Tel. 96 669 9099 LOS LUNARES Gran Alacant Tel 96 669 5399 OUR PLAICE FISH & CHIPS La Marina Tel. 96 679 5418 SAFFRON Gran Alcant Tel. 96 669 8098 SUNSET BAR Gran Alacant Tel. 664 277 986 WISHING WELL Dolores Tel. 96 671 1653

SHOES SALVADOR ARTESANAO Elche Tel. 96 667 5441

SIGNS / SIGN WRITING CORTES SIGNS Santa Pola Tel. 686 464 076

SOLICITORS

PELLICER HEREDIA Alicante/Hondon + Tel. 96548 0737

SUNBLINDS TOLDOS PENALVER Santa Pola Tel. 96 543 2350 TOLDOS LA MARINA La Marina Tel. 902 075 454

SUPERMARKETS AJ’s Hondon Nieves Tel. 96 548 0718 SWIMMING POOL (MAINTAINANCE)

GA POOLS Gran Alacant Tel 628 030 184 IMPERIAL POOLS La Marina Tel. 96 677 3079 PJ’s All Areas Tel 619 501 657 SWIMMING POOL (CONSTRUCTION)

REFORMNOVA Gran Alacant Tel 96 541 4040

TAX ADVICE ANDREA BURNS Gran Alacant Tel 96 669 7824

TOBACCO ESTANCO 7 Santa Pola Tel. 96 669 4716

TRANSLATORS ANDREA BURNS Gran Alacant Tel 96 669 7824 MITCH BULL Gran Alacant Tel. 638 608 422

TRANSPORT AIRPORT FLYER All Areas Tel. 618 834 774 TAXI Santa Pola Tel 609 959 408

TV DIGINOVA Santa Pola Tel 660 631 380 SIMULSAT Santa Pola Tel. 677 878 210

VETS CLINICA VETERINARIA Santa Pola Tel 96 669 8463


Tony Hall disco every Friday

Live music WITH GREAT LOCAL BANDS

F

SPORTS

FOUR GIANT PLASMA SCREENS LIVE ENGLISH PREMIERSHIP & SPANISH LA LIGA FOOTBALL

g a an’s n n al it s all HERE! Why not try our much talked about

The pantry kitchen at Flannagan’s

welcomes you to: our incredible steak nights every Tuesday from 7 pm Sirloin steak served with home made onion rings, grilled vegetables and chips

ONLY 9.95€

Alternatively, Fillet steak with all the same trimmings only 14.95€

Sunday lunches?

A full three courses, with your choice of a combination of 5 starters, 5 main courses and 5 desserts all for only 12.95€

Booking highly recommended – call 693 478 429

If that’s too much,

just the Main Course great value at 7.95€

or maybe you’d prefer something special from our A La Carte menu

ALL HOME MADE ON THE PREMISES And, for the early starters, our authentic

Irish breakfasts are served daily.

FLANNAGAN’S IRISH MUSIC MAR - PLAZA MAYOR - GRAN ALACANT

AVAILABLE FOR FUNCTIONS

63


ens

Tel. 630 662 221

or visit our website - www.tjsgeneralbuilders.com


jungle drums august 2010