YOU MUST JOKING
the Campo tradition on g in rry ca ’re we es jok w ne old e With the sam with lots of fun... e Jungle Drums... ...all tucked rather neatly inside Th
Come on in...and ’ave a laugh!
you know you’re having a bad day when...
Throughout our marriage, my wife has always stood by my side. She had to. We’ve only got one chair. I was showing my wife this one. I said, ‘Look at this dear.’ I always call her dear. She’s got antlers growing out of the side of her head. I was woken up this morning by a tap on the door. I must remember to get the plumber to take it off. There have been times that I have known disappointment, even despair. The public never realised because I was laughing on the outside while I was crying on the inside. Very dangerous that - you could easily drown.
20 Zens...part one
At the Royal Command Performance 1964, Tommy walks on stage with a heater he says, ‘They told me to go out and warm the crowd up.’
1. Do not walk behind me,
A man walked into a bar. Ouch.........It was an iron bar.
for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk
A woman told her doctor, ‘I’ve got a bad back.’ The doctor said, ‘It’s old age.’ The woman said, ‘I want a second opinion.’ The doctor says, ‘OK. You’re ugly as well.’
beside me for the path is
A man is trying to sell his dog. So he stops another man and says, ‘Wanna buy a dog? He’s very clever look at this.’ He throws a stick into the pond and says, ‘Fetch that, Rover.’ The dog gets up on his hind legs and walks across the water and gets the stick. ‘Thats no good to me mate,’ said the man. ‘He can’t swim.’
2. Sex is like air. It’s not
A man went to the doctor and said, ‘I need help urgently. I keep dreaming that women come into my bedroom and I keep pushing them away.’ The doctor said, ‘What do you want me to do?’And the man said, ‘Cut my arms off.’ A woman phoned her husband and said, ‘The carburettor is full of water.’ ‘Where’s the car?’ the man said. ‘In the river,’ she replied. I’m on a whiskey diet. I’ve lost three days already.
narrow. In fact, just go away and leave me alone. that important unless you aren’t getting any. 3. No one is listening until you fart. 4. Always remember you’re unique. Just like everyone else. 5. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
For the jokers...by the jokers
LAUGH...? LY ... I NEAR other READ an NE! MAGAZI
to. . .
ETISER IKED IS
‘What a great chest you have!’ He tells her, ‘That’s 100 lbs. Of dynamite, Baby.’ He takes off his pants and the blonde says, ‘What massive calves you have!’ The body builder tells her, ‘That’s 100 lbs. Of dynamite, baby.’ He then removes his underwear, and the blonde goes running out of the apartment screaming in fear. The body builder puts his clothes back on and chases after her. He catches up to her and asks why she ran Out of the apartment like that. The blonde replies, : I was afraid to be around all that dynamite after I saw how short the fuse was!
20 Zens...part two 6. If you think nobody cares whether you’re alive or dead, try missing a couple of mortgage payments. 7. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes. 8. If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you. 9. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Te a c h h i m h o w t o f i s h , and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day. 10. If you lend someone £20 and never see that person again, it was probably well worth it.
Five rules for men to follow for a happy life 1. It’s important to have a woman, who helps at home, who cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job. 2. It’s important to have a woman, who can make you laugh. 3. It’s important to have a woman, who you can trust and who doesn’t lie to you. 4. It’s important to have a woman, who is good in bed and who likes to be with you. 5. It’s very, very, very important that these four women do not know each other.
The body builder takes off his shirt and the blonde says,
11. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything. 12. Some days you are the bug; some days you are the windscreen. 13. Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time. 14. Good judgment comes from bad experience ... and most of that comes from bad judgment. 15. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
Bacon Tree Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert after crossing into the United States , wandering aimlessly and starving. They are about to just lie down and wait for death, when all of a sudden Luis says... “Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon, I theenk.”
Grey Matters 1- Find the C below.. OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOCOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO 2- If you already found the C, now find the 6 below. 99999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999 99999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999 99999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999 69999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999 99999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999 99999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999 3 - Now find the N below. It’s a little more difficult. MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMNMM MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM This is NOT a joke. If you were able to pass these 3 tests, your brain is great and you’re far from having a close relationship with Alzheimer.
“Si, Luis, eet sure smells like bacon. “ With renewed hope they struggle up the next sand dune, and there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon. There’s raw bacon, there’s fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon... every imaginable kind of cured pork. “Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved. Ees a bacon tree.” “Luis, maybe ees a meerage? We ees in the desert don’ forget.” “Pepe, since when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell like bacon... ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree.” And with that, Luis staggers towards the tree. He gets to within 5 metres, Pepe crawling close behind, when suddenly a machine gun opens up, and Luis drops like a wet sock. Mortally wounded, he warns Pepe with his dying breath, “Pepe... go back man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree! “ “Luis, Luis mi amigo... what ees it? “ “Pepe.. ees not a bacon tree... Ees... Ees... Ees... Ees... Ees a ham bush...”
20 Zens...part three
Mike and his pregnant wife live on a farm in a rural area in the west of England. No running water, no electricity, etc. One night, Mikes’ wife is begins to deliver the baby. The local doctor is there in attendance. “What d’ya want me to do, Doctor?” “Hold the lantern, Mike. Here it comes!” the doctor delivers the child and holds it up for the proud father to see. “Mike, you’re the proud father of a fine strapping boy.” “Saints be praised, I...” Before Mike can finish the Doctor interrupts, “Wait a minute. Hold the lantern, Mike.” Soon the doctor delivers the next child. “You’ve a full set now, Mike. A beautiful baby daughter.”
20 Zens...part four
“Thanks be to...” Again the Doctor cuts in, “Hold the lantern, Mike, Hold the lantern!” Soon the Doctor delivers a third
16. There are two excellent
child. The doctor
en. Neither one works
“Doctor,” asks Mike, “Do you think it’s the light that’s
theories for arguing with wom-
holds up the baby for Mike’s inspection.
17. Generally speaking, you
aren't learning much when your lips are moving.
18. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
19. We are born naked, wet and hungry, and get slapped on our arse
....... then things just keep getting worse.
20. Never, under any circum-
stances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.