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NERVOUS..? …WELL IT WAS A bit PARKY…

The TV cameras of Benidorm’s TVCostas came down to Santa Pola last month to record an interview with Dave Bull about his new book It Just Is… Grilled (sort of) by Sales and Marketing director of MASA international, Paul Payne, Dave explained his reasons for writing the book and why expats or anyone interested in Spain will find it a must read. TVCostas, based in Benidorm but covering the whole of the Costa Blanca and beyond are the premier British TV company in Benidorm and can often be seen filming on the streets of the popular resort. Since starting the company in 2010, Paul Blake, Lynn Grigg along with recent team member - sound engineer and editor, Bradley Cullen – have built up a huge video library of life in Spain (especially this region) which captures perfectly the wonderful and sometimes strange country we live in. See Dave Bull’s interview on our website or go to: http://vimeopro. com/tvcostas/videos#/ video/33771646

IT´S ABOUT TIME HE GOT IT OUT..... Dave Bull’s first book about life made simple (not) as an expat in Spain! It just Is… We’ve all said it about what goes on in Spain, either within the expat community itself or maybe the Spanish behaving in a way that perhaps were unaccustomed to, but I’ve heard it numerous times, and I’m sure you have to, ‘Someone should write a book about this!’ so I have… There’s so much interesting stuff (and the odd disaster) that goes on in Spain and we never get to hear about most of it, either because it’s only witnessed by a small number or the press just can’t dedicate the space to it. For a long time now I’ve been wanting to record some of those precious, and memorable (not always for the right reasons…), moments and tell the story of life as an expat in Spain…my story. You see, things seem to hap

neighbours, friends or even your-

Blanca penning his experiences and

selves..?!

observations on living life as an expat

The book is a humorous look at how

in Spain.

we expats deal with life in Spain, and

Always from his own ‘different’ per-

indeed what the Spanish make of us!

spective, he publishes one of the most

Is Just Is… by Dave Bull is available

successful magazines on the Costa

Amazon in paperback and Kindle ver-

Blanca and has been the Editor of two

sion

regional expat newspapers.

Is Just Is… Also available in paper-

He’s clearly not professionally trained

back in numerous expat shops along

as a writer, but if you really have noth-

the Costa Blanca (please check our

ing better to do, have a read, (and a

website www.allabroad.es for a full list

laugh) about Dave’s experiences at the

of outlets or call 606 540 408)

hands of the Spanish - where he reveals, as ever, in his own unique style

‘If you’re thinking of buying a

just what some of us expats get up to

place abroad you must read It Just

in Spain which in Dave’s case included

Is… full of helpful advice and info’,

getting arrested, getting dumped

as well as a darn good laugh!’

(often) and having a blind date…with

Steve Hall. Founder.

an aunt…

thisispain.info

Having had his own radio shows and now touring

‘I can honestly say despite be-

with his ‘One Man Show’

ing a bookworm from a young

he is well known on the

age it’s been a while since

Costa Blanca and

a book held my interest,

fast becoming

couldn’t wait for a spare

a recognised

five minutes to read a bit more…’ Ginette Stride,

name throughout the expat

Amazon buyer.

community in Spain and

‘No mention of the 2008

beyond.

romance with a certain lady with a child maybe in the next book! Good read! Fantastic, we both loved it!’ Anthony Pitt, former Gran Alacant resident.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

pen to me. Sometimes good, sometimes great, often not, but always

Dave Bull has been

interesting. Whether it’s my great

living and working

Dane puppy legging it around the walls

in Spain since 2000.

of the lounge like a biker in a wall

Now a full-time

of death, or the Guardia turning up

writer he lives with

(twice) to arrest me or even the trail

his son, Mitch and

of disappointed women I’ve ;left in my

two dogs on

wake – that’s ‘disappointed’ because I

the Costa

turned up… For readers who have any connection to Spain at all you will be able to recognise some of the characters featured in It Just Is… and possibly your

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From Calais take the A16 and then the

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wards Arras-Est. After approx. 150km

your journey – and much further to travel

P&O Ferries have routes to Calais,

take the A3 for approx. 15km to the Bou-

in Spain beyond Barcelona then you can

and then a drive through France - or

levard Peripherique After 100km take the

easily be looking at an overall journey

you may decide to travel with Brit-

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The Journey time should take you 12

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The Cheapest Route: For those on a budget...

The actual Travelling time should be 23

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route that avoids all motorway tolls and

the fuel costs will be approx. 140 Euros

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the route seems very direct, however the

# Naturally your accommodation costs on

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top of your additional charges in traveling

even the most scenic route in mind – for

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those who are in no particular rush and

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QUALIFIED GESTORA

Est. 1991

News regarding the Wealth Tax

Fiscal help... Spanish probate / Inheritances

Y

ou might have heard the

And here a few

news regarding the wealth

more notes that,

tax that affects non residents’

by my experience,

Conveyancing

and residents’ tax declarations.

are important to

Notarial deeds

The Spanish Government has re-

point out:

introduced the wealth tax which

Fiscal representation

was abolished not so long ago.

1. Please note that you will not

It takes effect from the tax year

receive any notification or re-

Property taxes

2011 that is payable in 2012.

quest from the tax office. The

Power of attorney

(Non-residents between 1st Janu-

tax forms shall be presented

ary and 31st December 2012 and

within

Private sales contracts

residents in May/June 2012)

above.

Change-over of utility bills

Not surprisingly the tax office is

2. These taxes are not to be

looking for more income. Howev-

confused with the Suma pay-

er, most will probably not pay any-

ment which is the rates pay-

thing because the first 700.000,-

ment. Your fiscal representa-

Euros are exempt from this tax.

tive will request a copy of that

The Autonomous Community of

payment simply for the base of

Valencia has the right to establish

calculation.

Spanish Wills

Planning permissions

the

deadlines

given

a different tax exempt amount to the one given by the Government.

3. Proof of payment of these

I have checked this out with the

taxes will be requested by the

authorities and, although the final

tax office when you sell your

decision will not be taken until the

property. Non-payment within

end of the year, the existing draft

the deadline will result in inter-

is to adhere to the same amount.

est on arrears, if payment is demanded by the tax office there

The non-residents’ obligation to

will also be a fine to pay.

appoint a fiscal representative with relation to their tax obligations in Spain was also reaffirmed

I wish you all a very happy 2012.

by article 6 of the same law. Andrea Burns

Avenida América, 32, GRAN ALACANT 96 669 7824 OFFICE@ANDREABURNS.ES

Our own contributors - experienced for expat info

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Email: ask@allabroad.es Twitter: @allabroadmag Web: www.allabroad.es Or call us on: 606 540 408 Failing that: send a pigeon

A PLUS FOR YOU!

MEN ARE LIKE…

Hi Thank you All Abroad for not going down the route of doom and gloom like many publications (especially one that you used to be connected with) and concentrating on the positive side of the good life we have here. Whenever we have visitors over from the UK we hear stories of how eating out in the UK “is so cheap now compared to Spain”. And when I was last in the UK I had to agree that it was. However, on reflection I would much rather have a 3 Course Home-Cooked Menu del Dia (Including Wine, Bread, Alioli and Coffee) for 8 Euros than I would have to suffer the indignity of a “2 Meals for a Fiver” In Wetherspoons, where I would be surprised if any component of the meal did not see a microwave oven. Coffee - It seems to be the exception rather than the rule to find a half decent coffee house – and even then it is quite expensive. I called into a Patisserie with a friend for a Coffee and a Cake and could hear the Kettle boiling and the jar of Instant Coffee being rattled behind the kitchen divide. Needless to say the very sound almost set my teeth on edge – it is easy to get used to drinking a good standard of coffee and taking it for granted that it will be available in even the grottiest of Bars over here. Of course there’s loads of stuff that I love about being in the UK and It’s easy to complain about things – I just wondered if anyone else missed things about Spain when they were in the UK ? Georgie, Rojales.

I saw this and thought of All Abroad – I can’t think why? Men Are Like... ... Mascara. They usually run at the first sign of emotion. ... Parking Spots. The good ones are already taken and the ones that are left are either handicapped or extremely small. ... Popcorn. They satisfy you, but only for a little while. ... Weather. Nothing can be done to change either one of them. Mrs B. Lovenew

Hi Georgie, Thanks for that and a great question – so come on readers let us know what you miss about Spain when you go back to your home country – or vice-versa? Email us at: ask@ allabroad.es Dave

THAT’S NOT RIGHT! Hello All Abroad, Firstly I would like to say that so far I am enjoying your magazine, I hope you continue the good work. The funniest thing I found in the December issue wasn’t the joke page but in your letters page, the article about the Union Jack which was very interesting and I can understand that the writer may be upset about seeing the flag flown upside down but he/she did exactly the same thing with the little quiz at the end! I think you will find that the answer to the quiz is C not B. Regards, Bill (Abanilla) Thanks for pointing that out Bill, yup I have to hold my hands up to that one too (see below) – I’ve had my mind on other things… (See front cover). If we got it right all the time (read, ever) well it just wouldn’t be us would it now…? Dave

Avda Escandinavia 72, Gran Alacant Bookings: 689 077 602

Haha, Thanks for that, I take it your hubby fits into all these too…? And can i just say that if there’s one thing I know about women it’s...nope, sorry gone again...DAVE

A BIRD IN THE HAND… Jan, Sue, and Mary haven’t seen each other since leaving School. They rediscover each other via Friends Reunited, and arrange to meet for lunch. Jan arrives first, wearing a beige Versace dress. She orders a bottle of Pinot Grigio. Sue arrives shortly afterward, wearing a grey Chanel number. After the initial hugs and kisses she joins Jan in a glass of wine. Then Mary walks in, wearing a faded old tee-shirt, blue jeans and boots. She too shares the wine. Jan explains that after leaving school and attending Oxford University, she met and married Timothy, with whom she has a beautiful daughter. Timothy is a partner in one of London’s leading law firms. They live in a 4000 sq ft apartment on Park Lane, where Susanna, the daughter, attends drama school. They have a second home in Portugal. Sue relates that she graduated from Cambridge University, studied to become a doctor and became a surgeon. Her husband, Clive, is a leading financial investment banker in the City. They live in the Surrey stockbroker belt and have a second home in Italy. Mary explains that she after she left school at 17, she ran off with her boyfriend, Mark. They run a tropical bird park in Essex and grow their own vegetables. Mark can stand five parrots, side by side, on his erect penis. Halfway down the third bottle of wine and several hours later, Jan blurts out that her husband is really a cashier at Tesco’s. They live in a small apartment in Bromley and have a caravan parked on the front drive. Sue, chastened and encouraged by her old friend’s honesty, explains that she and Clive are both nursing care assistants in an old people’s home. They live in Peckham and take camping holidays in Kent. Mary admits that the fifth parrot has to stand on one leg.

DESTINATION BAR & GRILL

Yes! Win TWO flights with Ryanair and All Abroad Magazine. All you need to do to enter is send us an email at: ask@allabrooad.es telling us why you think expats (or anyone else for that matter) should be reading the Costa’s favourite magazine (that’s us by the way…). The tricky bit is that we want you to keep your entry to 15 words maximum and it must contain the name of course and encourage people to read it. So get your thinking caps on and remember that us lot here at the magazine are always partial to a bit of humour! Emails to ask@allabroad.es by 23rd January. Remember please. One entry per household Winner decided by All Abroad Magazine on 24th of January and name printed in the February issue. Tickets valid for 12 weeks from delivery.

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Why learn Spanish anyway...

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with Vicki

Y

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What’s the ADVICE NEWS FUN

by Mr Grumpy

BEEF?WOMEN by Mr Grumpy, Tumbit.com

Expecting a Spaniard to be sentimental towards

animals is like expecting a German to have a sense of humour.

(Ok, so I like a good stereotype, and have been taking lessons in advanced prejudice from Sepp Blatter, but bear with me to the bottom of the page if you have the patience...)

dance

with the com-

pany that I am in at the time.

My mother still can’t remember that I haven’t eaten beef for 11 years (can’t even

I don’t eat Beef. The reaction of most (British) people when you say you don’t eat Pig is that it is for religious reasons. And since I don’t look Hindu people never seem to ask me that question. But they still ask ‘Why?’ I could say that I grew up on a Cattle Farm and had to handle cows on a daily basis. Fair reason, I suppose. I could say that I had some far reaching paranoia about the Beef industry following the foot and mouth or BSE scare that seems to do the rounds every year. I could say that when I worked (from home) in the UK, my office was surrounded on three sides by fields. Most mornings a herd of cattle would be staring at me just inches from my window. When I asked the farmer where most of his cattle had gone - when he had plenty more of them just weeks ago, he asked if I was aware that he also owned three butchers shop in the valley.

remember that my Mrs of 15 years is vegetarian sometimes...) and expects me to ‘forget’ that she has given me a minced beef lasagne ‘by mistake’ and will try and back-track, declaring it to be lamb just seconds later. But that is nothing compared to trying to explain the situation to a Spaniard. Tip: Don’t ever waste your time asking what meat is in the Albondigas - just choose something else instead. Another Tip: Putchero? It has EVERY meat in it, whether the waiter knows it, or is prepared to admit it. It is like a graveyard for farm animals. But my fondness for cows also seems to make me unpopular with a small number of the locals around Fiesta time. It nearly turned nasty last year at the Bull-run in the town when I gave an almighty cheer for the Bull

Or, I could say that I just liked cows. As one response to the question sounds wet, one sounds lame, one sounds paranoid and one sounds gay, I have to pick and choose my reasons in accor-

when it had just shoved the larger of its two horns up the arse of some half-drunk teenager who was in the ring taunting the animal in a bid to impress his mates.

Spain

Unfortunate or self-inflicted? - I can’t even be bothered to debate the issue. Funny when all the parents who were berating me for cheering for the bull won’t let their children play in the road in case they get hit by a car. They know the dangers, they know the risks and so they avoid the possibility of something unfortunate happening. How are things different when dealing with a half-ton bull? You don’t want to get gored? - Easy - don’t taunt it and don’t stand in its way and then, when it does gore some half-drunk knob head, don’t blame the bull and call for it to be culled due to it being dangerous. Bullfighting? Different to bull-running altogether insofar as the Bull always dies at the end. Like Gladiators in Roman times, and Boxers today, the winner of a fair fight doesn’t usually end up being killed anyway, but at a Bullfight the Matador always wins.

DID YOU KNOW...? ...that Spain has one of the highest degrees of liberty in the world as part of its LGBT rights? ...that the Constitutional Court of Spain is the highest judicial body with the power to determine the constitutionality of acts and statutes of the Spanish Government? ...that the Guardia de Asalto patrolled the countryside and rural areas of Spain throughout the time of the Second Spanish Republic? ...that that Cuerpo Nacional de Policía uniform was formerly brown, thus leading to their nickname of la madera/los maderos? ...that the Professional Association of Magistrates is one of three professional Spanish associations of judges and magistrates ...that the Spanish Constitution of 1978 documents the culmination of Spain to a transition of democracy? ...that one of the first major Nationalist victories in the Spanish Civil War occurred at the Battle of Badajoz (1936)? ...that that resulting effects of 2007 Iberian Peninsula earthquake were felt in Portugal and Morocco’s coastal cities? ...that Abdera was founded by the Carthaginians but became under Roman control after a period of declination.

Even though he has the assistance of around 8 ‘clowns’ and numerous other assistants on horseback and with lances etc... In case he stubs his toe, he bravely faces the bull alone (not counting his army of assistants) and if the bull rather unsportingly defends himself against the spears and swords, the Matador is cheered as a hero. I have no problem with Spain continuing with their cultural tradition and heritage of bullfighting and bull running as long as they understand that I like others I know, will always cheer for the bull. And if that means a Spaniard, or unsuspecting drunken tourist, getting a horn up his backside then so be it, I have zero sympathy.

now wasn’t that exciting...

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11


He Said To Me!

Mystic Monkey ‘Uuuummmmm...’

He said to me . ... . I don’t know why you wear a bra; you’ve got nothing to put in it. I said to him .... . . You wear pants don’t you?

JANUARY 2012 Robin Hood continues to be your lucky superhero cos costume this month and until the weather gets warm enough for it to be comfortable. The planets are fully aware Robin Hood isn’t strictly a superhero in the Marvel comics sense, just Neptune thinks your Aries legs are hot. Kudos.

He said to me ... . ......... Shall we try swapping positions tonight? I said .. That’s a good idea - you stand by the stove & sink while I sit on the sofa and do nothing but fart

Whistling (with your mouth*) is better starred than humming* this month, especially in public restrooms (urinals in particular), and when painting. [*Seek a suitably qualified Capricorn if you have a whistling or humming sound anywhere else on your body.] Stroke rabbits and gerbils in an east to westerly direction (from the nape of the neck to their mid back - no lower) to receive a secret message from the stars in the form of nibbles or squeaky gesticulations.

Arguments while playing, particularly, the game Monopoly, but also, in certain planetary conjunctions, Ludo and Cludeo, are well starred this month especially if you have just rolled a 6. BRB, LOL, LMAO and one other text abbreviation that we cannot use in a family newspaper, are your preferred sms communication pings this month, especially around brunch on Tuesday.

Comedy noses, mustaches and eyeglasses, are your preferred disguises this month in both comedy as well as life and death situations, perhaps involving the mafia or at least heavily built ruffians who look like they have been shining diamonds on their faces for the last twenty years. No consumer product will have the desired absorbency for your needs this month, regardless of what the adverts said. Vitamin and herb supplements in blue packets, and breakfast cereal in yellow covers are particularly well starred Sleeping loudly, especially snores, half-growls and semihowls, are set to pepper your slumber hours both in bed and at your desk as Saturn transects. Flip flop slippers are about to become favored over luxuriously fluffy mules from the 17th of the month. Purple shirts are about to become cosmically important. Purple has always been your lucky color even if you never knew it. Just buy anything with that color in somewhere and watch your fortune improve in front of your very eyes.

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He said to me. ... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you? I said to him . ..... Turn sideways and look in the mirror! He said to me. ..... Why don’t women blink during foreplay? I said to him ... . They don’t have time. He said to me. . How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper? I said to him .. .. I don’t know; it has never happened. He said to me. . Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and Good- looking? I said to him . . . They already have boyfriends. He said...What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night? I said. . .. A widow. He said to me.... Why are married women heavier than single women? I said to him .. . .. Single women come home, see what’s in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what’s in bed and go to the fridge.

Sunglasses worn inside will temporarily cease to be pretentious from today for all Capricorns this month, particularly when worn in restaurants when eating and in supermarkets in the fresh fish section. Enjoy. Any attempts to do that fast auction speech pattern they do in cattle markets in some parts of America is well starred this month especially in the 17-250 range and when “hep-a”, “inniya” and “dubbiyya” are mentioned, or alluded to.

Snow is your lucky weather condition, drink, drug and paint color all month. Wrapping a towel around your head like you have just had a shower continues to be your recommended method of indoor hair hiding.

14

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mORE

A Weekend in Santiago de Compostela We have just returned from an enjoyable visit to Santiago de Compostela. I’m afraid we can’t claim to have walked there along one of the Camino routes, but instead we flew from Alicante to Santiago, which got us there in about an hour and a half. Santiago de Compostela is more than 1000km North West of Alicante, in the Galicia region of Spain and is most famous for being the final destination of various pilgrim routes. Apparently, it is the third most visited site for a religious pilgrimage after Jerusalem and Rome. The city is named in honour of Saint James, whose remains were discovered after a hermit saw strange stars over the hillside and reported this to the Bishop of the time. The name translates roughly as ‘Saint James’ (Sant iago) and ’field of stars’ (Campus Stellae and later Compostela). The Cathedral and the Plaza de Obradoiro - The most important attraction for any visitor is the cathedral. The interior is large and incorporates several side chapels and impressive altar pieces. The museum is also worth a visit and gives access to a balcony, where you get good views of the main square. The famous botafumeiro, a huge oil burner which is sometimes swung across the nave, is only used at special services. According to my guide book it began to be used in the 14th century to perfume the air, lessening the odour of sweat from the pilgrims after their long journey! The exterior of the Cathedral is quite spectacular when viewed from the main Plaza de Obradoiro (Stonemason’s Square). The building has many elaborate carvings which provide evidence of the prosperity of the city resulting from the many pilgrims and visitors it has attracted

over the years. The other sides of the square are made up with three more impressive buildings. The Hostal de los Reyes was commissioned by the Catholic Monarchs to provide accommodation and a hospital for pilgrims and the building is now a Parador. The Rajoy Palace was built by a former Archbishop and the ninety metre long front is made up of a large portico of many arches. This building now houses various Government Departments and the City Council offices. The College of San Jerome is a less imposing building than the others, it does, however, feature an ornately carved doorway opening onto the square. It was originally built as a school for poor students and now makes up part of the Santiago University. A walk round the outside of the cathedral takes you to various other squares, including, Plaza de las Platerias, Plaza de la Quintana and Plaza de la Inmaculada where you will also find the Monastery of San Martin Pinario. City streets, shops, bars and restaurants - When you leave the area of the Cathedral there are many small streets to walk around, and the area is largely free of vehicles. The Rua de Franco and the Rua de Vilar are both worth a visit and the latter contains the tourist information office where you can pick up a map from the helpful staff who all speak English. These streets contain small tourist shops selling a variety of souvenirs and guide books. There are also café bars and restaurants, including our personal favourite, Paradiso. We also ate at a café in La Quintana Square where we had a very good menu del dia for just 7 euros. Parks and photo viewpoints - A visit to

La Alameda park is recommended if you need a rest as there are plenty of benches where you can sit in the shade and watch the people go by. A walk around the park will take you to various miradors where you can get great views looking towards the Cathedral and the old city. Another viewpoint looks over the Ferradura Gardens and out into the countryside. Accomodation - We stayed at the small but comfortable Hotel Miradoiro de Belvis where the staff were very helpful, and which is about 10 minutes walk from the Cathedral area and a short 20 euro taxi ride from the airport. Behind our hotel there was a lovely park and we had a nice view of the Convent de Belvis from our room. Overall we had a great time and, in just a few days saw all of the main sites. If we visit Santiago again it would be good to hire a car and explore some of the Galician coast and countryside which certainly looks well worth a visit.

Cultural Conundrums At Cole The walk to school can be a long one. I have lost count of the number of times I’ve accompanied my son with my fingers crossed that we’ve got it right. At five years old, he can help me understand what is expected when it comes to the fiestas and special days but he’s not quite old enough for me to be confident that the ‘disfraz’ he’s wearing will be the same as everyone elses. The letter informing us that something extraordinary is to take place usually arrives one or two days before the event. It requests that we dress him up as a clown/ pirate/sevillano and that he comes to school wearing a red nose/

eye patch/ black and white outfit. The letter usually causes havoc in our household as we: a.) try to translate it b.) try to work out what it means This is where you realise that it’s not only language that’s the barrier but culture too. Although there have been slight improvements in our ability to conform, for years these activities and celebrations have made little to no sense for us. Why on earth would you bring your items of ‘fancy dress’ separately on different days throughout the week? And what is a sevillano anyway? We invariably end up rushing around the Chinese shops and fancy dress aisles of Juguetelandia trying to piece together a costume that matches our interpretation. The end result is usually a clearly English rendition of a Spanish tradition. The fact that we never seem to get it right combined with our intense desire to help our son integrate can lead to very stressful times. So, the next stage is that very long walk to school. In reality, it’s only five minutes but wearing some bizarre combination of clothing or carrying a bin liner full of blown up balloons it takes on the never ending feel of a death row walk. I’m desperate to encounter another adult with the same cargo and mentally cross check every word of the letter I’d translated. It’s at these times that I do catch myself thinking just a little wistfully of the predictable and understandable events we would be preparing and dressing him for at an English primary school. Nothing bizarre or difficult for extranjeros to interpret there after all. Just the Easter bonnet parade, red nose day and Children in Need, book character dressing up day, hallowe’en and perhaps a few nativity outfits to supply. On second thoughts, perhaps the disfrazar for a few local fiestas isn’t that bad after all. By Suzanne O’connell

... and those that copy...TEL. 606 540 408

19


THINGS YOU

10

sort full of Brits,

on over and take

Stress

at this magnificen

When you come to live in

try through your o

Spain you can really relax.

experience the trad

I’m not just talking about

kindness, the famil

chilling out on a beach,

the climate (have I

around a pool or even by diving into

the wines…?).

a pint! No, what I mean is the pace of

Now with some of the best

life here is different, and famously so.

in Europe (and definitely th

You may have heard people say, ‘it’s

beaches) you can explore a

all manana over there’ and it is. And

ence Spain form your base

the best thing about that is that as

that may be, and see the re

soon as you accept things are down

(your Spain) for yourself.

in a more relaxed manner here you’ll

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find yourself wondering why you ever

The instant coffee

got stressed before.

Once you have tasted the s

Winding down after a sunny day,

range of coffees available in

listening to the cicadas hugging trees

(drinking coffee in Spain is

and emitting their trill evening mes-

sion to be savoured and sp

sage along with a fine bottle (or two)

on) you won’t be wanting t

of local wine is not a scenario expats

that comes in a jar claiming

ever tire of.

‘real taste’ and offering you hand-shake. With a

Your suit

of brandy along-

Whether, like me, you drag one out

side you’ll witness

for weddings and funerals or have

many a local en-

had to wear one for work purposes,

joying his break-

when you arrive in Spain you won’t

fast coffee seated at a

be needing that anymore, trust me.

bar and shouting (over a

Smart casual is about as dressed up

TV) to someone a few feet

as people ever expect, or even want

away.

in Spain. Daytimes (and for about

It may take ten minutes for

330 days each year) the dress code is

your coffee to arrive, but d

‘keep it simple’ - shorts, sandals and

fret –enjoy it – your coffee

T-shirt are the norm, whether for an

rive, and what’s the

evening out or a day on the beach.

rush? Served with a

Leave the trouser press and the tie-

smile and possibly

rack in the UK…unless of course you

a ‘Tapa’ to tide over

like your trunks with a crease…?

those hunger pangs for a while…and not a

Your preconceptions about Spain

funny hand-shake in

Forget what you see on documen-

sight.

taries and other TV shows about Spain and come and see for yourself

The plan B

because far from being ‘Blackpool

I remember organis-

by the sea’ Spain is a huge, diverse

ing barbecues, parties

country. Rich in history (and wines…)

for my son (or for

it has often had a reputation as a re-

us parents) when I

ALL ABROAD! - all our own ideas.

TEL. 606 540 408


U CAN LEAVE AT HOME... ...WHEN MOVING TO SPAIN lived in the UK and we always had to

as far as being new to these shores is

get back in the UK is now pretty much

e a look

but come

have a plan B. why? The wonderfully

concerned and who are always willing

available in Spain…except perhaps for

nt coun-

unpredictable British weather is the

to help out, and make you welcome.

the winter flu…

own eyes,

reason as I’m sure you know already.

It’s daunting enough arriving and

The blinkers

dition, the

How many times have you been to a

trying to set up home especially in a

If you’re only experience of ‘Johnny

ly life and

barbecue in someone’s garden only

new country, but amongst the expats

Foreigner’ is on holiday or in your

for the heavens to open and everyone

you’ll find help, guidance and some

local newsagent then get ready for

ends up in the kitchen!

very good company with which to

some eye-opening experiences.

mentioned

In Spain that just doesn’t happen.

make the move so much more enjoy-

Spain is now multi-cultural and living

he best

roads

Now I’m not saying that it never rains

able. Expats are a breed that look out

amongst other northern Europeans as

and experi-

in Spain (especially on the plains…?)

for each other and help out (if needed

well as South Americans, Africans and

wherever

but 99 times out of a hundred, when

of wanted) and they’re always a

the odd Aussie (they get everywhere

you plan something like a party or

cheerful bunch…well wouldn’t you be

don’t they?) means that new cultures

barbecue in Spain – it happens, be-

living here…?

are often brought to the public’s

eal Spain

cause, more often than not the good

attention through shows and exhibi-

ol’ sun is shining, again. So come on

The lawn mower

tions. The Africans with their wares

superb

over, make some plans and forget

Spain doesn’t do grass very well

on sale at beachfronts –displayed on

n Spain

about a ‘what if’ and just think of

so trade in your lawn-mower for a

a blanket – are a marvel to witness

when.

far more handier gadget in Spain,

as they go about their work creating

say a drinks cooler or an all-singing

amazing pieces of art from leather,

an occa-

pent time

that stuff

Everyone else

barbecue for the patio. You see unless

wood or the occasional cola can.

g to be the

Now I’m not saying forget the family

you’re going to pretty much dedicate

Enjoy the cultures that will intersect

u a funny

and disconnect yourself from your

your hours awake every day to tend

with your life in Spain – it’s a whole

friends - who will no doubt be very

to grass that for ten months of the

new world out here!

good friends now that you have a

year is being frazzled then flog the

property in Spain and will soon visit,

mower before you come and worry

The socks

about your new weekly chore – in

Now, I may need to be a little delicate

charge of a leaf blower…far more fun.

here but, if you are a gentleman of

snifter

and soon. But when you come to live in Spain you’ll soon realise that the expat community in Spain is full of people who have ‘been

r

don’t will ar-

there

a certain age and believe that socks All those ‘must have’

should be worn at all times (out of

British essentials.

bed) you will need to refine your

No longer are Brits stuffing their

self-discipline just a tad – to benefit

suitcases with pork pies and in in-

fully from the Spanish climate, and

and

dustrial packs of bacon as was the

to stop your children dying of embar-

done it’

norm a few years ago. Now with

rassment. What am I talking about?

an abundance of British

Well, I’m afraid it’s the old socks and

supermarkets and with the

sandals ‘fashion’ that seems to be

big boys such as Carrefour

unique to northern Europeans – can

and Mercadona have taken

you imagine Julio Iglesias wearing

note that their customer

socks with sandals? No, I didn’t think

base is far more inter-

so and your wife probably thinks

national these days and

he’s a Latin Adonis, so why not make

their stock now reflects

yourself one….and it must start with

that with items such as PG

leaving the socks behind!

Tips and cheddar cheese commonly available in the traditionally Spanishstocked shops. Everything that you can

This article was written by Dave Bull for MASA International who are experts in the sale of property in Spain You can follow the adventures of Dave Bull in Spain by following @DavejBull on Twitter

21


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Dog rescue Registered association no. CV-01-045701-A So we are now starting a New Year, 2012 and all our hopes are focused on the need to take less abandoned dogs which would mean that things were improving for “ mans best friend”. Sadly I think this is a vain hope and we will be needing your support to enable us to continue to rescue abandoned dogs and puppies. We have some wonderful dogs who deserve the chance of a bright new future so if you would like to enrich your life with the love and companionship of a dog then please get in touch. See pictures below. Interested? Then call now 659274573 Thank you. Thanks to all who attended our Christmas party. We raised 300 euros in all. The cake made by Mrs Cook raised 134 euros and was won by Mr. and Mrs. Bailey.

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26

ALL ABROAD! - all our own ideas.

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Riddles - Answers below 1. What is the only word in the English language that ends in mt? 2. What do a racecar and kayak have in common? 3. A man drove from Detroit to Chicago, leaving at 8 in the morning. The next day he leaves Chicago at 8 and drives the same highway back to Detroit. If his speed varies, will there be any spot along the route that he passes at exactly the same time each day?

Across

Down

Across

Down

7. Rolling Stones song giving Chris Farlowe a No. 1 single in 1966 (3,2,4) 8. Controversial 2006 film starring Sacha Baron Cohen in the title role (5) 9. Austrian city that has twice hosted the Winter Olympic Games (9) 10. Venomous African snake (5) 12. Third largest Caribbean country after Cuba and the Dominican Republic (5) 14. Method of transmitting information using dots and dashes (5,4) 16. Hamlet’s love interest in Shakespeare’s play (7) 18. Substance also known as milk sugar (7) 20. Austrian racing driver, world F1 champion in 1975, 1977 and 1984 (4,5) 21. Italian city famous for its cheese and ham (5) 24. Alan ___ former England wicket-keeper in 95 Tests from 1967 to 1981 (5) 25. Annuities voted by Parliament for the support of the royal household (5,4) 27. Dried kernel of a coconut (5) 28. 1971 Number 1 single by Rod Stewart (6,3)

1. Former gold coin worth 21 shillings (6) 2. See 13 () 3. See 23 () 4. 15th letter of the Greek alphabet (7) 5. Canadian province, capital Halifax (4,6) 6. It’s capital is Bridgetown (8) 11. The father of Jacob and Esau in the Old Testament (5) 13. and 2 2006 film based on a 2004 play by Alan Bennett (3,7,4) 15. Phrygian king given the power to turn everything he touched into gold, in Greek mythology (5) 17. Devon resort, part of Torbay since 1968 (8) 19. Supreme commander of a fleet or navy (7) 22. The capital of Oman (6) 23. and 3 Beatles drummer (5) 26. Plant, the national emblem of Wales (4)

7. 2006 Spike Lee film starring Denzel Washington and Clive Owen (6,3) 8. Plant with clusters of white, red or purple flowers (5) 9. Singer whose hits include Cars and We Are Glass (4,5) 10. Snake also called a viper (5) 12. Hot molten rock that solidifies to form igneous rock (5) 14. Substance that supposedly emanates from a medium in a trance (9) 16. Republic of Ireland’s longest river (7) 18. Stiff clerical cap worn in the Roman Catholic church (7) 20. A large thickskinned mammal such as an elephant (9) 21. Terence, actor whose films include Far From the Madding Crowd and Superman II (5) 24. Dance performed to Latin American big band music (5) 25. The plant Mentha spicata which yields an oil used in flavouring (9) 27. Value of the green ball in snooker (5) 28. Eastenders character played by Shane Richie (5,4)

1. Turkish city famed for its long-haired Angora goat (6) 2. See 13 () 3. South Korean city that hosted the 1988 Olympics (5) 4. Former British colony, home of reggae music (7) 5. He became Prime Minister of Israel in 2006 (4,6) 6. English county, home to the Mendips and the Quantocks (8) 11. See 23 (5) 13. and 2 Football team that formerly played at Maine Road (10,4) 15. London cricket ground, headquarters of the MCC (5) 17. Native American chief celebrated in a well-known poem by Longfellow (8) 19. Libyan capital (7) 22. James ___ 5th President of the U.S. (6) 23. and 11 Singers whose hits include Heroes and Ashes to Ashes (5,5) 26. Musical filmed in 1974 with Lucille Ball in the title role (4)

4. When is this sentence true: There are eleven letters in the alphabet. 5. A boy has a peculiar quirk; he repeats everything he hears. However, when his father said dinner was at six, the boy said nothing. Why? 6. This is the only type of cheese that is made backwards. What kind is it? 7. If I tell you “Everything I say to you will be a lie,” is it possible to determine if I am lying or telling the truth? 8. Bill is drinking water. Alan is drinking tea. There are only these two drinks available. When Julie joins them, she wants something to drink too, and sees that there are just two choices. Does Julie drink water or tea? 9. Almost everyone needs it, and yet almost nobody takes it, even when it is available. What is it? 10. A woman was born in 1960. She is alive and well today, but is only 25 years old. How is this possible?

1. Dreamt. 2. They are both spelled the same forward and backward. 3. There has to be. To see it clearly, imagine two men driving the route on the same day, one leaving Detroit at 8 and the other leaving Chicago at 8. They have to pass each other at some point, and they’ll be there at the same time. 4. When “the alphabet” is in quotation marks. (count the letters) 5. Obviously he didn’t hear him. 6. Edam (it spells “made” backwards). 7. Yes, I have to be lying, because if I were not, my statement would be true, meaning it would have to be a lie, thus becoming a paradox. However, I can be lying about some things, and this is one of them. 8. Yes. 9. Advice. 10. She was born in room 1960 25 years ago.

D? all BORED? all BORED? all BORED? all BORED?

Word riddle

RED? all BORED? all BORED? all BORED? all BORED? all

all BORED? all BORED? all BORED? all BO

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BORED? all BOR.ED? all BORED? all BOR Easy...ish

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‘aving a laugh...?!

My prayer for 2012 is for A fat bank account & a thin body. Please don’t mix these up like you did last year.

Penguins Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on the ice in Antarctica - where do they go? Wonder no more ! It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life. The penguin is very committed to its family and will mate for life, as well as maintaining a form of compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life. If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family and social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into and buried. The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing: “Freeze a jolly good fellow” “Freeze a jolly good fellow.”

A man in a London supermarket ... ...tries to buy half a cauliflower. The very young produce assistant tells him that they sell only whole cauliflowers. The man persists and asks to see the manager. The boy says he’ll ask his manager about it. Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager ‘Some prat out there wants to buy half a cauliflower.’ As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, ‘And this gentleman has kindly offered to buy the other half.’ The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way. Later the manager said to the boy, ‘I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?’ ‘ Liverpool , sir,’ the boy replied. ‘Well, why did you leave Liverpool ?’ the manager asked. The boy said, ‘Sir, there’s nothing but whores and footballers up there.’ ‘Really?’ said the manager. ‘My wife is from Liverpool .’ ‘You’re kidding?’ replied the boy. ‘Who did she play for?’ il Mickelson, “You are A gushy reporter told Ph is synonymous with the spectacular, your name know your way around game of golf. You really secret?” the course. What’s your holes are numbered.” he “T , lied Mickelson rep

An Italian MaMa son Mrs. Ravioli comes to visit her er. dinn for y Anthon ate, He lives with a female roomm

Maria. l, his During the course of the mea how ice not but help t ldn’ cou her mot is. ate mm pretty Anthony’s roo , Over the course of the evening , she ract inte two the g chin wat while e mor was e started to wonder if ther ate mm roo his and y between Anthon than met the eye. Reading his mom’s thoughts, what Anthony volunteered, “I know ure ass I but , king thin be you must mroo just are I and ia Mar , you mates.’’ e to About a week later, Maria cam r you e sinc er “Ev ing, say y Anthon n bee I’ve mother came to dinner, bowl. unable to find the silver sugar do it, k too she e pos sup ’t You don you?” her, “Well, I doubt it, but I’ll email e.” sur just to be email: So he sat down and wrote an Dear MaMa, take I’m not saying that you “did” ; I’m se hou the sugar bowl from my it. take ” not “did you not saying that n bee has it that ains rem fact But the e her e wer missing ever since you for dinner. Your Loving Son Anthony Several days later, Anthony rehis ceived a response email from MaMa which read: Dear son, p I’m not saying that you “do” slee that ing say not I’m with Maria, and you “do not” sleep with her. was But the fact remains that if she ld wou she , bed N sleeping in her OW . now by l bow ar sug the have found a MaM ing Lov r You

A hippie gets on a bus... ...and spies a pretty young

nun. He sits down next to her, and asks her: “Can we have sex?” “No,” she replies, “I’m married to God.” She stands up, and gets off at the next stop. The bus driver, who overheard, turns to the hippie and says: “I can tell you how to get to have sex with her !” “Yeah?”, says the hippie. “Yeah!”, say the bus driver. “She goes to the cemetery every Tuesday night at midnight to pray, so all you have to do is dress up in a robe with a hood, put some of that luminous powder stuff in your beard, and pop up in the cemetery claiming to be God.” The hippie decides to give it a try, and arrives in the cemetery dressed as suggested on the next Tuesday night. “I am God,” he declares to the nun, keeping the hood low about his face. “Have sex with me.” The nun agrees without question, but begs him to restrict himself to anal sex, as she is desperate not to lose her virginity. ‘God’ agrees, and promptly has his wicked way with her. As he finishes, he jumps up and throws back his hood with a flourish. “Ha-ha,” he cries. “I’m the hippie!” “Ha-ha,” cries the nun. “I’m the bus driver !”

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2 It Comes to Us All… A little silver-haired lady calls her neighbour and says, “Please come over here and

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Men who la ck female supervision ...

help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can’t figure out how to get started.” Her neighbour asks, “What is it supposed to be when it’s finished?” The little silver haired lady says, “According to the picture on the box, it’s a rooster.” Her neighbour decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table... He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, “First of all, no matter what we ” m door: “Push. Push. Push. nitytoRoo Mater Ondo,awe’re not going be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster.” He takes her hand and says, “Secondly, I want you to relax. Let’s have a nice cup of tea, and then,” he said with a deep sigh “Let’s put all the Corn Flakes back in the box.” REPLACEMENT WINDOWS Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those expensive, double-pane, energy-efficient kind. Today, I got a call from the contractor who installed them. He complained that the work had been completed a year ago and I still hadn’t paid for them. Hellloooo,............just because I’m blonde doesn’t mean that I am automatically stupid. So, I told him just what his fast-talking sales guy told me last year... that these windows would pay for themselves in a year,,, Helllooooo? It’s been a year, so they’re paid for, I told him.. There was only silence at the other end of the line, So I finally hung up. He never called back. I bet he felt like an idiot.

SINGLE BLACK FEMALE seeks male companionship, ethnicity unimportant. I’m a very good girl who LOVES to play. I love long walks in the woods, riding in your pickup truck, hunting, camping and fishing trips, cozy winter nights lying by the fire. Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your hand. I’ll be at the front door when you get home from work, wearing only what nature gave me.. Call 679 096 309 and ask for Little B, I’ll be waiting..... see bottom of page

A couple was invited to a swanky costume party... The Wife had a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He being a devoted husband protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his good time being spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went. The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, awakened without pain and, as it was still early, decided to go the party. Since her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him. She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice looking woman he could, and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife sidled up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his current partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new babe that had just arrived. She let him go as far as he wished , naturally, since he was her husband. Finally, he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed. So off they went to one of the cars and had a quickie. Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away, went home, put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would offer for his behavior. She was sitting up reading when he came in, and she asked what kind of a time he had. He said: ‘Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you’re not there.’ - ‘Did you dance much ?’ - ‘I’ll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys and we went into the den and played poker all evening. But you’re not going to believe what happened to the guy I loaned my costume to.....!

Sign over a Gynec ologist’s Office: “Dr. Jones, at yo ur cervix.” At an Optometrist’s Office: “If you don’t see what you’re looking for, you’ve come to the right place.”

37


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Dog rescue Registered association no. CV-01-045701-A ÊÊÊÊÊSoÊweÊareÊnowÊstartingÊaÊNewÊYear,Ê2012ÊandÊallÊourÊhopesÊareÊfocusedÊonÊtheÊ needÊtoÊtakeÊlessÊabandonedÊdogsÊwhichÊwouldÊmeanÊthatÊthingsÊwereÊimprovingÊ for “mans best friend”. Sadly I think this is a vain hope and we will be needing yourÊsupportÊtoÊenableÊusÊtoÊcontinueÊtoÊrescueÊabandonedÊdogsÊandÊpuppies.ÊWeÊ haveÊsomeÊwonderfulÊdogsÊwhoÊdeserveÊtheÊchanceÊofÊaÊbrightÊnewÊfutureÊsoÊifÊyouÊ wouldÊlikeÊtoÊenrichÊyourÊlifeÊwithÊtheÊloveÊandÊcompanionshipÊofÊaÊdogÊthenÊpleaseÊ getÊinÊtouch.ÊSeeÊpicturesÊbelow.ÊInterested?ÊThenÊcallÊnowÊ659274573ÊThankÊyou.ÊÊÊÊÊÊ ThanksÊ toÊ allÊ whoÊ attendedÊ ourÊ ChristmasÊ party.Ê WeÊ raisedÊ 300ÊeurosÊ inÊ all.Ê TheÊ cakeÊmadeÊbyÊMrsÊCookÊraisedÊ134ÊeurosÊandÊwasÊwonÊbyÊMr.ÊandÊMrs.ÊBailey.ÊÊÊÊ

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38

www.martinezandballester.com With offices in Gran Alacant & Torrevieja Tlf/Fax 966 698 781 Tlf. 965 710 353 Fax. 965 710 267 email:alacant@martinezandballester.com Mob. 696 289 407


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Get ready for New Year with a clear out & raise some cash with All Abroad Free Ads! also at www.allabroad.es Tel. 676 079996 GENERAL Desktop Computer Log Burner 2 Years Old Used 2.6Ghz Dual Core Processor For 6 Mths All Tubes Cost 2Gb Ram, Dedicated Graphics Card, 21 Tft Monitor. 200€ €1,000.00 Accept €350.00 Tel. 676 079996 O.N.O Tel. 966 18 11 60

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Glass Top Computer Table 40€ Teenager For Sale. Available To A Good Home. Housetrained Tel. 622 870 799 (Sort Of) And Obedient (Sort Of) Stays In Room A Lot & Dyson Hoover Good As New 100€ O.N.O Tel. Grunts On Demand… 649 099 170 4 Newell Posts For Staircase Cost €108 For €20 Tel. 693525799

SPORT

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Sky Boxes From €30.00 Tel. 650 788851

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Scaletrix X 4 Sets From €20.00 Set 12 Wood Carving Chisels €15 Tel. 693525799 Tel. 676 079996 Wanted Mobile Homes Tel. 676 079996 Shower Screens & Bases 1 X 90 Corner Unit + Taps 1 X 80 Corner Unit + Taps 1 X 80 Square Unit + Taps + Small Sink + Taps From €50.00 For More Info Call 650 788851

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Rover 220 Diesel, Right Hand Drive On Spanish Plates, 5Dr,Blue, Electric Windows, Central Locking, Power Steering, Sunroof, Alloy Wheels, Good Tyres,2 Years Itv, Suma Tax Paid, Good Runner, €595.00 Tel: 650 788851 Fortuna

Galloper 2.5Td 8 Seat A/C

39


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