Mar09 issue

€1.00

“That’s cracked it Pete”

Visit our web site at www.thesmuggler.es and join in our new forum, pass comment on the magazine, start a new topic, post a joke, or write a witty story.

I hope you have had the opportunity to listen to our new advert on ‘Bay Radio’. Paul and I were quite pleased with it; we thought it was humorous, witty and real down to earth stuff, in other words a great advert for a great magazine. That is until Paul was accosted on his sales mission to the outer reaches of Javea, by two unruly louts who thought the advert was taking the piss out of the working class. My reaction to this accusation was one of melancholy meanderings followed by an outburst of ‘aye eck by thump it taks awl sorts ta mac up tis paranoiac society we live in’. However Paul has had one of his ooh err fits and is currently claiming sanctuary in Digby’s.

As requested by you the reader we have increased the puzzle pages (46-47) to two this issue and have created a ‘Spot the Car’ competition which we hope you will enjoy entering. (Page 49)

To Advertise in The Smuggler/Listenup Call: Paul (Denia-Javea-Calpe Area)

690 34 51 35

Paul (Costa Blanca South)

664 106 010

Lee (Inland Trading Area)

626 890 266

Jaimie (Altea-Benidorm)

634 068 050

John (Oliva-Gandia-Pego Area)

646 472 039

Office 962855878 Fax 962855878

Email: editor@thesmuggler.es

D.L. V-464-2008 CIF. E98018625

Deadline for adverts for the month of April is 25th March 09 The Smuggler takes no responsibility whatsoever on behalf of advertisers with regard to any claims made by, or information given in, advertisements contained within this publication. Under no circumstances can any part of this publication including text, illustrations, photographs or complete advertisements, be reproduced in any form without the express permission in writing of The Smuggler editor.

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in the toasted-sandwich maker, go out on the piss for five hours, then when Dear Ed, you return home, you possess a comfortably I recently had to spend 3 hours warm kitchen! I really queuing whilst waiting to book- don’t know what I would in for a flight at Alicante airdo without him. port. When I eventually reached the front, the young Alex Marshmallow, Denia. check-in girl told me she would have to charge me extra beDear Editor cause I had a `wait problem´. I pointed out that I had `waited´ I thought your readers as patiently as everyone else. would be interested in After several minutes of heated this extract from a recent debate, I punched her in the UK newspaper. mouth. It was explained to me ‘In a move indicative of a later that my luggage was over widening gap between Scottish the maximum `weight´ limit. and English law, the British GovSilly me! ernment today introduced a law which bans Irn Bru from sale in Alan Catraz, Alicante Peniten- England. Ministers point out that tiary. if Scotland can take unilateral decisions along these lines, then Dear Ed, so can England.

Irn Bru is a soft drink produced in I too had a slight misunderScotland and has been available standing at the check-in desk. for over one hundred years. AlThe girl there also accused me though it is available around the of being over weight. I told her world, it is not yet common outI was, in fact, naturally `bigside Scotland and the ban may boned´, and anyway, my obereduce the chance of it being sity problem had nothing to do accepted elsewhere. After Coca with her. I too proceeded to Cola and Pepsi, Irn Bru is the best punch her in the mouth. It was selling carbonated soft drink in later pointed out to me that the UK, mainly because of its she had been referring to the sales in Scotland. heaviness of my baggage. Oops! The Government has indicated that the reason for the ban is Bill Bunter, also Alicante Peni- partly due to the 0.002% ammotentiary. nium ferric citrate in the drink, but mostly because Scotland was Dear Editor, banning loads of stuff.

"It can only be good for the counMy boyfriend accidentally distry if people stop thinking about covered a new way of warming the economy and start thinking up a cold kitchen. Simply plug about Irn Bru", said one minister,

Letters to the Editor.

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"This ban could improve consumer confidence and reduce 'orange tongue' overnight."‘ Do you think that us ex-pats should endorse this ban, or do they think it would do to much damage to the sales of that well known mixer Vodka.

Brin Ur, Altea.

A crusty old biker, about $40,000 and send

their best enforcer to sort it out.

He finds the deaf mute collector and asks him where the money is, but they can't communicate so the enforcer drags the guy to one of the poor restaurant owners who he knew could use sign language.

Ask him where the money is.

The restaurant owner signs to the man who'd been terrorising the neighbourhood for weeks, where's the money?

The deaf mute replies, I don't know what you're talking about.

The interpreter tells the enforcer this, who immediately pulls out a gun and points in the collector's mouth.

NOW ask him where the money is."

The terrified deaf-mute signs back, the $40,000 is in deposit box 542 A deaf mute man at Paddington Station is working his way up in and the key is in the the Triads and finally gets glove compartment of my car. the job of collecting "protection" money on a The restaurant owner says to the Triad, he says small patch in China Town. After a few weeks he still doesn't know what you're talking though he gets greedy about, doesn't think you and starts to cream off some of the money and have the balls to pull stashes it in a safe place. the trigger, and your mother is a prostitute The Triad bosses who works the docks for however soon realise little or no money. that they are short by on a summer ride in the country, walks into a tavern and sees a sign hanging over the bar, which reads: CHEESEBURGER: €2.50 HAMBURGER: €2.25 CHICKEN SANDWICH: €3.50. HAND JOB: €500.00 Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender serving drinks to a meagre looking group of farmers. 'Yes?' she inquires with a knowing smile, 'can I help you?' 'I was wondering,' whispers the old biker, 'are you the young lady who gives the hand-jobs? ''Yes", she smiles and purrs, "I sure am".

The old biker replies, 'Well wash your hands real good because I want a cheeseburger.'

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5

Cyd the Cynic The Person To Whom This Applies, Knows Who He Is Rules For Seeing My Daughter.

Rule 1. If you pull into my drive and blow your horn, you’d better be delivering something, because you’re sure as hell not picking anything up.

Rule 2. You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, as long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep you’re eyes and hands off of my daughter’s body, I will remove them.

Rule 3. I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips.

Please don’t take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots.

Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your trousers ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your night out with my daughter, I will take my nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

Rule 4. I’m sure you’ve been told that in today’s world, sex without utilising a ‘barrier method’ of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it

comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

Rule 5. It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sport, politics and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this Hold These I Have To Go Back For subject is “early”.

The Wife!

Rule 6. I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opwith my daughter: Places portunities to take out other where there are beds, sofas, or girls. This is fine with me as anything softer than a wooden long as it’s okay with my stool. Places where there are daughter. Otherwise, once no parents, policemen or nuns you have gone out with my within eyesight. Places where little girl, you will continue to see no other but her until she there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding is finished with you. If you hands, or happiness. Places make her cry, I will make you where the ambient temperacry. ture is warm enough to induce Rule 7. As you stand in my my daughter to wear shorts, front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more sleeveless blouses, midriff Tshirts, or anything other than than an hour goes by, do not overalls, a sweater, and a sigh and fidget. If you wanted goose-down parker – zipped to be on time for the cinema, you should not be dating. My up to her throat. Films with a strong romantic or sexual daughter is putting on her theme are to be avoided; films make-up, a process that can which feature chain saws are take longer than painting the Severn Bridge. Instead of just okay. Cricket matches are standing there, why don’t you okay. Old people’s homes are even better. do something useful? Like Rule 9. Do not lie to me. I changing the oil in my car. may appear to be a pot-bellied, Rule 8. The following places are not appropriate for a date balding, middle-aged, dim6

witted old has-been.

But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and almost three acres of land around the house. Do not trifle with me.

Rule 10. Be afraid.

Be very afraid. It takes very little for the voices in my head to start up, and they always tell me to clean my guns. As you pull

into my drive you should exit the car with both hands in plain sight. Announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, and then return to your car – there is no need for you to come inside.

The camouflaged face at the window is mine.

I feel confident that if we can stick to these simple rules, without even the slightest hint of deviation at any time, all three of us can enjoy what is undoubtedly one of the greatest experiences young people can have.

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A couple go for a meal at are wearing off.' a Chinese restaurant and order the 'Chicken Surprise', the waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot.

Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down.

'Good grief, did you see that?' she asks her husband. He hasn't, so she asks him to look in the pot.

He reaches for it and again the lid rises, and he sees two little eyes looking around before it slams down.

Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening, and demands an explanation.

'Please sir,' says the waiter, 'what you order?'

The husband replies, 'Chicken Surprise.'

'Ah! So sorry,' says the waiter, 'I bring you Peeking Duck.

An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is.

'I'm 90 years old,' he says.

'90!' replies the woman. 'Don't you realize you've had it?'

'Oh, sorry,' says the old man.

'How much do I owe you?'

A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural North Cowra . He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence.

As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded, 'I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it.'

The old farmer Peter replied, 'This is my property, and you are not coming A man was just waking up over here.' from anaesthesia after surgery, The indignant lawyer said, 'I am and his wife was sitting by his one of the best side. His eyes fluttered open trial lawyers in and he said, 'You're beautiful.'

Australia and, if Then he fell asleep again. you don't let me His wife had never heard him get that duck, I'll say that before, so she stayed by his side. A few minutes later sue you and take his eyes fluttered open and he everything you own.' said, 'You're cute.' The wife The old farmer was disappointed because instead of 'beautiful,' it was now smiled and said, 'Apparently, you 'cute.' She asked, 'What hapdon't know how pened to beautiful?' we settle The man replied, 'The drugs disputes in 8

North Cowra . We settle small disagreements like this with the 'Three Kick Rule.'

The lawyer asked, 'What is the 'Three Kick Rule'?'

The Farmer replied, 'Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, I get to go first. I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up.'

The lawyer quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.

The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees!

His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth. The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end, sent him face-first

into a fresh cow pad.

Summoning every bit of his will and remaining strength the lawyer very slowly managed to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, 'Okay, you old fart.

Now it's my turn.'

The old farmer smiled and said, 'Nah, I give up.

You can have the duck.'

knows everything.

Here's your vocabulary lesson for today.

Liquidity: When you look at your investments and wet your pants.

HOW TO START EACH DAY WITH A POSITIVE OUTLOOK: 1. Open a new file in FOR SALE BY your computer.

OWNER. 2. Name it "Gordon Complete set of Ency- Brown". clopedia Britannica, 45 3. Send it to the Recyvolumes. Excellent cle Bin. condition. ÂŁ200 or best 4. Empty the Recycle offer. No longer Bin. needed, Got married 5. Your PC will ask last month. Wife

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you: 'Do you really want to get rid of "Gordon Brown?"

6. Firmly Click 'Yes.' 7. Feel better?

GOOD! ----Tomorrow we'll do "Alistair Darling".

Steinberg Royal London Hosp.

sion she answered, 'Why, not for about twenty years - when 4. During a patient's two week my husband was still alive.' follow-up appointment, he told Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanme that he was having trouble son- Maidenhead Royal Kent . with one of his medications.

'Which one ?'. . ... I asked.

6. I was performing rounds at 'The patch; the Nurse the hospital one morning and told me to put while checking up on a man I The Doctor’s Stories on a asked, 'So how was your break1. A man dashes into the A&E new fast this morning?' dept. and yells, 'My wife's going 'It's very good except for the to have her baby in the taxi.'

Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to I grabbed my stuff, rushed get used to the taste,' Bob out to the taxi, lifted the replied. lady's dress and beI then asked to see the gan to take off jelly and Bob proher underduced a foil packet wear. Suddenly labelled 'KY Jelly.' after protests Submitted by from the lady I noDr. Leonard J. ticed that there were Brandon. several taxi's, and I was Bristol in the wrong one.

Infirmary.

Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald, St. Andrews 7. A nurse was on Hosp. Glasgow. duty in the A&E when a young woman with purple 2. At the beginning of my shift, one hair styled into a punk rocker I placed a stethoscope on an every six Mohawk, sporting a variety of elderly and slightly deaf female hours and tattoos, and wearing strange patient's anterior chest wall. now I'm running out clothing, entered.

It was quickly 'Big breaths,' I instructed. of places to put it !' determined that the patient 'Yes, they used to be,'. . . reI had him quickly undress and had acute appendicitis, so she plied the patient. was scheduled for an immediSubmitted by Dr. Richard Bar- discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see. Yes, the man had ate operation. When she was nes, St. Thomas's Bath . over fifty patches on his body! completely disrobed on the Now, the instructions include operating table, the staff no3. One day I had to be the ticed that her pubic hair had bearer of bad news when I told removal of the old patch before applying a new one. been dyed green, and above it a wife that her husband had Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. there was a tattoo that read, died of a massive myocardial Clair, Norfolk General.

'Keep off the grass.' Once the infarct. Not more than five surgery was completed, the minutes later, I heard her on surgeon wrote a short note on her mobile phone reporting to 5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I the patient's dressing, which the rest of the family that he had died of a 'massive internal asked 'How long have you been said bedridden?'

'Sorry, had to mow the lawn.' fart.'

After a look of complete confuSubmitted by Dr. Susan 10

KGH London .Dr. wouldn't submit his name!

Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears.

He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?" She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news.

My husband passed away last night."

The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?"

She says, "That he did, Father."

The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary? " She says, He said, 'Please Mary, put down that gun...'

to get his attention but the drunk continues to sit there.

Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.

The drunk mumbles, "ain't no use you knockin, there's no paper on this side either!"

Last night, my

friends and I went to a Ladies Night Club.

One of the girls wanted to impress the rest of us, so she pulled out a $10 bill.

When the male dancer came over to us, my friend licked A drunk staggers into a the $10 bill and stuck it to his Catholic Church, enters a con- butt cheek! fessional booth, sits down, but Not to be outdone, another says nothing. friend pulls out a $20 bill.

The Priest coughs a few times She called the guy back , licks the $20 bill, and sticks it to his other butt cheek.

In another attempt to impress the rest of us, My third friend pulls out a $50 bill and calls the guy over, and licks the $50 bill.

I'm worried about the way things are going, but fortunately, She just stuck it to one of his butt cheeks again.

My relief was shortlived.

Seeing the way things are going, the guy races over to me.

Now everyone's at11

tention is focused on me, and the guy is egging me on to try to top the $50. My brain was churning as I reached for my wallet.

What could I do?

The woman in me took over!

I got out my ATM card, swiped it down the crack of his butt, grabbed the eighty bucks, and left!!!!

Geordie Does Chilli

for purchase. It wasn't until I was at the opposite end of the I went grocery shopping restore from the toilets that the cently while not being altogether sure that course of ac- pain hit me. Oh, don't look at me like you don't know what tion was a wise one. You see, the previous evening I had pre- I'm talking about. I'm talking pared and consumed a massive about that 'Uh, Oh, gotta go' quantity of my patented 'you're pain that always seems to hit definitely going to Sh!t yourself' chilli.

Tasty stuff, albeit hot to the point of being painful, which comes with a written guarantee from me that if you eat it, the next day both of your arse cheeks WILL fall off.

Here's the thing. I had awakened that morning, and even after two cups of coffee (and all of you know what I mean) nothing happened. No 'Plop & Splash Movement 2'. Despite habanera peppers swimming their way through my intestinal tract, I was unable to create the you at the wrong time. The usual morning symphony thing is, this pain was different. referred to by my wife as The habaneras in the chilli from 'rolling thunder '. the night before were staging a Knowing that a time of reckon- revolt. In a mad rush for freeing HAD to come, yet not sure dom they bullied their way of just when, I bravely set off through the small intestines, for the market, a local forcing their way into the large Mercadona grocery store that I intestines, and before I could often haunt in search of tasty take one step in the direction titbits. Upon entering the store of the toilets which would at first all seemed normal. I bring sweet relief, it happened. selected a cart and began push- The peppers fired a warning ing it about dropping items in 12

shot.

There I stood, alone in the spice and baking aisle, suddenly enveloped in a noxious cloud the likes of which has never before been recorded. I was afraid to move for fear that more of this vile odour might escape me. Slowly, oh so slowly, the pressure seemed to leave the lower part of my body, and I began to move up the aisle and out of it, just as an elderly woman turned into it.

I don't know what made me do it, but I stopped to see what her reaction would be to the malodorous effluvium that refused to dissipate. Have you ever been torn in two different directions emotionally? Here's what I mean, and I'm sure some of you at least will be able to relate. I could've warned that poor woman but didn't. I simply watched as she walked into an invisible, and apparently indestructible, wall of odour so terrible that all she could do before gathering her senses and running, was to stand there blinking, gasping like an out of water goldfish and waving her arms about her head as though trying to ward off angry bees. This, of course, made me feel terrible, but then made me laugh. .......BIG mistake!!!!!

Here's the thing. When you

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laugh, it's hard to keep things 'clamped down', if you know what I mean. With each new guffaw an explosive issue burst forth from my nether region.

Some were so loud and echoing that I was later told a few folks in other aisles had ducked, fearing that someone was robbing the shop and firing off a shotgun. Suddenly things were no longer funny. 'It' was coming, and I raced off through the store towards the toilets, laying down a cloud the whole way, praying that I'd make it before the grand mal assplosion took place.

Luck was on my side. Just in the nick of time I got to the john and began the inevitable 'Oh my God', floating above the toilet seat because my ass is burning SO BAD, purging.

One poor fellow walked in while I was in the middle of what is the true meaning of 'Shock and Awe' . He made a gagging sound, and disgustedly said, 'Dios lo que es una peste!', then quickly left.

Once finished I left the restroom, reacquired my partially filled cart intending to carry on with my shopping when a store employee approached me and said, 'Sir, you might want to step outside for a few minutes.

It appears some prankster set off a stink bomb in the store.

The manager is going to run the vent fans on high for a minute or two which ought to take care of the problem.'

That of course set me off again, causing residual gases to escape me. The employee took one sniff, jumped back pulling his

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shirt up to cover his nose and, pointing at me in an accusing manner shouted, ES USTED! Then ran off returning moments later with the manager. I was unceremoniously escorted from the premises and asked none too kindly not to return.

Home again without having shopped, I realized that there was nothing to eat but leftover chilli, so I consumed two more bowls. The next day I went to shop at Aldi. I can't say anymore about that because we are in court over the whole matter. Bastards claim they're going to have to repaint the store..

Judge Judy to prostitute: 'When did you realize you were raped?'

'When the cheque bounced.'

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An elderly Floridian

The 92-year-old is sitting at the called 911 on her cell phone to kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters. She shakes report that her car has been her head and says, 'I sure hope broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to I never get that forgetful, knock the dispatcher: 'They've stolen on wood.' She then yells, 'I'll the stereo, the steering wheel, come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the the brake pedal and even the door.' accelerator!' she cried. The dispatcher said, 'Stay calm. An Three retirees, each with officer is on the way.'

A few minutes later, the officer a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March day. radios in. 'Disregard,' he says, One remarked to the other, 'she got in the back-seat by 'Windy, isn't it?' mistake.'

'No,' the second man replied, Three sisters, ages 92, 94 'it's Thursday.'

And the third man chimed in, and 96, live in a house together. One night the 96-year 'So am I. Let's have a beer .....' old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells to A little old lady was the other sisters, 'Was I getting going up and down the halls in a nursing home. As she in or out of the bath?' walked, she would flip up the The 94-year-old yells back, 'I hem of her night-gown and say don't know. I'll come up and 'Supersex.' see.'

She walked up to an elderly She starts up the stairs and man in a wheelchair. Flipping pauses, 'Was I going up the her gown at him, she said, stairs or down?'

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'Supersex.'

He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, 'I'll take the soup.'

Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades.

Over the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards. One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, 'Now don't get mad at me. I know we've been friends for a long time, but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is'.

Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her.

Finally she said, 'How soon do you need to know?'

As a senior citizen was

driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, ' Ernie, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 77. Please be careful!' 'Heck,' said Ernie, 'It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!'

After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red again.

Again, they went right through.

The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous.

At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - they went on through. both could barely see over the So, she turned to the other woman and said, 'Mildred, did dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an you know that we just ran intersection. The stoplight was through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us red, but they just went on both!' through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to her- Mildred turned to her and said, self, 'I must be losing it. I could 'Oh, crap, am I driving?' have sworn we just went through a red light.'

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Love is grand! Divorce is a hundred grand.

I am in shape.

Round is a shape.

Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.

Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels good.

Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand.

Even if you are on the right track, You'll get run over if you just sit there.

An optimist thinks this is the best possible world.

A pessimist fears this is true.

There will always be death and taxes.

However, death doesn't get worse every year.

In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday.

I am Not over weight.

I am a nutritional overachiever.

I plan on living forever.

So far, So good.

A day without sunshine is like night.

It's frustrating when you know all the answers, But nobody bothers to ask you the questions.

The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.

Brain cells come and brain cells go, But fat cells live forever.

Age doesn't always bring wisdom.

Sometimes it comes alone.

Life not only begins at forty, It also begins to show.

I smile because I am your friend!

I laugh because there is nothing you can do about it.

Susan had just got married, and being a traditional Wigan lass, she was still a virgin.

On her wedding night, she stayed at her mother's house, and was very nervous.

Her mother reassured her: "Don't worry Susan, Graham's a good man. Go upstairs and he'll take care of you. Meanwhile, I'll be making broth."

So, up she went. When she got upstairs, Graham took off his shirt and exposed his hairy chest.

Susan ran downstairs to her mother and says, "Mother, Mother, Graham's got a big hairy chest."

"Don't worry, Susan," says the mother, "All good men have hairy chests. Go back he’ll take good care of you.�

So, up she went again. When she got up in the bedroom, Graham took off his pants exposing his hairy legs.

Again, Susan ran downstairs to her mother, "Mother, Mother, Graham took off his pants and he's got hairy legs!"

"Don't worry! All good men have hairy legs. Graham's a good man. Go upstairs and he'll take good care of you."

So, up she went again. When she got there, Graham took off his socks and on his left foot he was missing three toes.

18

When Susan saw this, she ran downstairs. "Mother, Mother, Graham's got a foot and a half!"

Her Mother said, "Stay here and stir the broth."

Teramitica Zoo had acquired a female of a very rare species of gorilla.

Within a few weeks, the gorilla became very cantankerous and difficult to handle. Upon examination, the Zoo veterinarian determined the problem.

The Gorilla was on heat..

To make matters worse, there were no male gorillas of the species available.

While reflecting on their problem, the Zoo management noticed Jimmy, a big Jock lad & former Glasgow bouncer, responsible for fixing the Zoo's machinery. Jimmy, like most Jocks, seemed to be possessed with ample ability to satisfy a female of any species. So the Zoo administrators thought they might have a solution.

Jimmy was approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to have Sex with the gorilla for â‚Ź500?

Jimmy showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully.

The following day, Jimmy announced that he would accept their offer, but only under three conditions: 'Fust,' he said, 'I don't want to have to kiss er.'

'Secondly, you must never, never tell anyone about this.'

The Zoo administration quickly agreed to these conditions, so they asked what his third condition was.

'Well,' said Jimmy, 'You gotta give me another week to come up with the â‚Ź500.

Mr. Cadbury and Miss Rowntree met on a Double Decker, it was After Eight. She was from Quality Street , he was a Fisherman's Friend.

On the way they stopped at a Yorkie Bar, he had a Rum and Butter, she had a Wine Gum. He asked her name, "Polo, I'm the one with the hole" she said.

"I'm the one with the nuts," he said! Then he touched her Milky Way. They checked in to a hotel, and went straight to the bedroom.

Mr Cadbury turned out the light for a bit of Black Magic. It wasn't long before he slipped his hand into her Snickers and felt her Cream Egg. He fondled her Flap Jacks then he showed her his Curly Wurly and Tic Tacs. Miss Rowntree wasn't keen to have any Jelly Babies, so she let him take a

just been run over by a train.

His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp" What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.. " Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.

"That little jerk, O'Conner," says Sean, "He couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand." " That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it."

"Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself, didn't you have something in your hand?"

That I did," said Paddy. "Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in Into a Belfast pub comes a fight."

Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd trip down Bourneville Boulevard via her Party Ring. He was pleased as he always fancied a bit of Fudge. It was a magic moment as she let out a scream of Turkish Delight.

When he pulled out his fun size Mars Bar, it felt a bit Crunchie.

She wanted more, but he needed Time Out, however, he noticed her Pink Wafers looked very appetizing.. He did a Twirl, had a Picnic in her Sherbet Dip and finished off by giving her a Gob Stopper!

Unfortunately, Mr. Cadbury then had to go home to his wife, Caramel. Sadly 3 days later his Magnum lolly started to drip. It turned out Miss Rowntree had been with Bertie Basset who had Allsorts.

19

Aggravated Auntie Problem Solver To The Ex-Pat Family.

Q: I have recently found out

Auntie says: Well, have you blowing leaves, pine needles

that my best friend tried to sleep with my boyfriend one drunken evening. I haven’t told her I know and was hoping I would be able to forgive her but I can’t. It is eating me up. She has invited me to a party at her house with all her posh friends and colleagues and I just don’t know if I can face her without saying anything. She is usually a good mate.

(Lisa. Gata Residencia)

got life insurance? You could always try faking your own death, say in a pedlo “accident” off the coast of Benidorm. You could then swim away to another life in another country and your wife can claim the insurance. Just make sure you don’t get caught on camera (signing a rental contract with your wife, for example, while you are supposed to be “dead”).

If you DO get caught, you will only be put away for a few Auntie says: What a terrible years and when you get out, you will probably be asked to thing for your friend to do! I be on Big Brother or even precan understand your anger. I think what you need is revenge! sent your own TV show. All your money problems will be Years ago, one of my cousins solved. found out that her best friend had tried it on with her husband. She didn’t let on that she Q. I love my dishwasher as knew but next time her friend much if not more than I love had a party round at her house, my husband. What I like most my cousin brought along a pair about it is that it does its job of skimpy knickers and a jar of without huffing and sighing and marmite. When the party was tutting. When I do have to give in full swing, she sneaked into it any attention, for example, to the bathroom and smeared the rinse its filter or give its pipes marmite in the gusset of the and tubes a good blow through, knickers and left them hanging I don’t have to pretend I am out of the washing basket, com- enjoying it. The problem is, my plete with “skid-marks”, for the husband is getting jealous and I rest of the guests to see. After am worried he will try and split that, she felt much better. us up.

(Rachel, Parcent) Q. Due to the credit crunch my Auntie says: Why not buy wife and I are up to our eyeyour husband a gadget of his balls in debt and I have just own? Men tend to go for exbeen made redundant. I am desperate for a solution. What pensive, impressive-looking but totally ineffective electrical do you suggest? (Phil, Benigadgets like a vacuum for dorm) 20

and dog-shit into the neighbours pool. That should provide hours of entertainment for him thus leaving you and your dishwasher in peace.

Q: Please can you tell me why my life isn’t as interesting as the lives of the characters on say, EastEnders or Coronation Street? For example, I have never been to a wedding where the bride or groom gets brutally murdered; I have never met anyone who has unknowingly fallen in love with their longlost sister/brother. Nor have I ever been in a pub which has exploded or been struck by lightening or burnt to the ground. Neither myself or any of my friends have been stabbed, run over, held hostage, suffered multiple head-wounds but still been up and about on crutches the very next week or been swapped at birth due to an error at the hospital. Is it me, or is my life just much duller than everyone else’s?

(Brian, Pedramala)

Auntie says: You do realize that those aren’t real people don’t you? And that it is all just fiction whereas you live in the real world (when you are not watching those programmes). I think you should get out with real people more and you will realize that most people lead extremely dull and uninteresting lives just like yourself.

21

1.Teaching Maths In 1970.

Your assignment: Underline the number 200.

A logger sells a lorry load of timber for £1000.

His cost of production is 4/5 of 5. Teaching Maths In 2008 the selling price.

A logger cuts What is his profit? down a beautiful 2. Teaching Maths In 1980 forest because he is totally selfish A logger sells a lorry load of and inconsiderate timber for £1000.

His cost of production is 4/5 of and cares nothing for the habitat of the selling price, or £800. animals or the What is his profit? preservation of 3. Teaching Maths In 1990 our woodlands.

He does this so A logger sells a lorry load of he can make a timber for £1000.

His cost of production is £800. profit of £200.

What do you Did he make a profit? think of 4. Teaching Maths In 2000 this way of making a living?

Topic for class participation A logger sells a lorry load of after answering the question: timber for £1000.

His cost of production is £800 How did the birds and squirrels feel as and his profit is £200. the logger cut down their homes?

(There are no wrong answers.

If you are upset about the plight of the animals in question counselling will be available)

year only two banks will be left operational ... the Blood Bank and the Sperm Bank!

A man walks into a bar

and says "Bartender gimme a triple shot of Jack". The bartender pours, and the man downs it, slams the glass on the bar and says "Another".

The bartender pours another.

The man downs it and says "Another".

As the bartender pours the third glass he says, "Mister you drink like you have a problem.

Want to talk about it?"

6. Teaching Maths The man says, "Ten years, ten 2018 years I've been married to my à ÇáãÓÌá ÊÈíÚ Íãæáå wife, and today I go home a ÔÇÍäÉ ãä ÇáÎÔÈ< / little early to surprise her, and I SPAN> ãä ÏæáÇÑ. find my best friend, MY BEST ÕÇÍÈ ÊßáÝÉ ÇáÇäÊÇÌ FRIEND, in bed having sex with ãä> ÇáËãä. ãÇ åæ her." ÇáÑÈÍ áå¿ The bartender says "Geez, If the global crisis what did you say." continues at the present The man says " I told him, BAD rate, by the end of this DOG! BAD DOG!" 22

23

The Ragged Clown/Annual Performance Review.

PRIVATE & CONFIDENTIAL Employee Name: Clown, Ragged. Job Title: Joker (3rd Class).

After a complete and thorough study, the management team of The Smuggler have concluded that despite what you’ve been told, you really don’t make a difference, and are not remotely integral to the company’s success.

In our research, we found that you’ve been encouraged to believe that your hard work and contributions were substantial, and that you are a significant member of the team.

But what we discovered is that in your particular case, there’s just no truth in that.

We interviewed your superiors and colleagues, and uncovered a variety of slogans meant to boost employees’ sense of worth, such as, ‘Our employees are our greatest asset,’ and ‘Our value is in our employees,’ were not relevant to you.

“Now that may seem rather sad,” the editor of The Smuggler was quoted as saying, “but it’s actually rather funny, because his situation is quite obvious to everyone else.” After chuckling for a while, the editor continued, “When he tells his boss he is doing a good job, he

knows he is lying, but when his boss tells him the same thing, he believes it! That’s priceless!” More chuckles followed.

Other comments made by your colleagues included: x “He wants working on! I lent him my car and he wrecked it. When I asked him about he said, ‘Oh, God did it.’” x “He’s a fucking liar! I haven’t spoken to that goon since the tea money went missing.” x A female employee told us, “He’s weird! He’s always staring at me. When I asked him what the hell he was looking at he said, ‘Just admiring the shape of your skull.’ He gives me the creeps!”

“I hadn’t been at The Smuggler that long when I asked him where the stationary was kept.

He told me to stop talking to him or he’d, quote, ‘put the fucking leeches on me’.”

Many other comments, in a similar vein to those above, were asked to be taken into consideration.

Quite apart from what your superiors and colleagues feel about you, our in-depth investigation also revealed that you are ineffective, impractical, pointless, purposeless, idle, futile, unproductive, unsuccessful, impotent, effete, incompetent, hopeless and inept. You also walk funny. We would caution you however, not believe you are simply a meaningless number to the company.

That would be a falsehood, as numbers are actually quite use24

Oneofofyour yourcolleagues, colleagues,who who One askedtotoremain remainanonymous, anonymous, asked hadnothing nothingtotosay sayabout aboutyou you, had , liked having picture butbut liked having his his picture in silhouette. taken intaken silhouette. ful to the company, unlike you.

We concede that this assessment of your lack of worth to the company may be hard to accept - even though your colleagues insist it should come as no surprise – BUT WE FOUND THE EVIDENCE OF YOUR TOTAL LACK OF MERIT TO BE UNDENIABLE.

Future Development: We suggest that in the future you begin substituting the word important for the word meaningless whenever your boss or colleagues speak to you. For example: “Rag, this is a really meaningless assignment and I think you could make some meaningless contributions to it as a meaningless member of the team.” Once you feel comfortable with that, substitute the word ‘shitty’ for meaningless. This should help develop your sense of where you actually stand in the Smuggler team.

We would also encourage you not to believe the company’s claims that The Smuggler is ‘creating the future’, or

‘improving people’s lives.’ This is actually good news for you.

By not making a difference working at a company that does not make a difference either, you are actually doing very little harm.

Also, bear in mind that when the company says ‘Great companies are built by great employees,’ they are not actually talking about you. When the company insists that ‘Each employee makes a special contribution,’ that’s not you either, unless you consider having you head up your arse half the day as being in some way ‘special’.

As a final note, we would like to make you aware of the extremely low employee turnover rate enjoyed by The Smuggler, and add that in your case we would not mind it going up a point, if you catch our empirical drift. Your deep-seated fear of being revealed as a fraud who doesn’t really deserve the job you have is unfounded. Everybody knows.

You know how everything in Texas is bigger than anywhere else?

Well, there was this Texan living in London a while back.

HUGE fellow he was, had to duck under all but the highest of doorways, (often had to go through sideways.) and he was always going on about how much bigger things were back home, used to really bore everyone senseless with his bragging.

Anyway, he had a heart attack and died one day, and wound up the a mortuary where a

friend of mine worked.

Charlie was telling me about the trouble they had, trying to find a coffin big enough to plant him in. They looked everywhere, but there was nothing that even came close, and it would take time to have one specially made.

"So what did you do?" I asked.

"Oh," said Charlie, "it was simple, really............ We gave him an enema and buried him in a shoe box."

Why did the blond lay out on the lawn chair in her bikini at midnight?

She wanted to get a dark tan.

What does a blonde think an innuendo is?

An Italian suppository.

What's the difference between a blonde and a washing machine?

If you throw a load in a washing machine, it doesn't follow you around for 3days.

25

Money makes the Banks so Sound

people are incorrectly receiving enormous amounts of cash, due to incredible clerical errors at the highest level.

One such individual is 24 yearold Lloyd Banks, an out-ofwork actor from Dudley in the West Midlands. His story may ensure, at governmental level at least, that arses will be kicked.

He told us, “I was woken up at an ungodly hour by someone knocking at my door. By the time I’d had a slash and got down the stairs, the person at the door had left, and all that remained on the doorstep was a large battered cardboard box; with my address and the words `Ministry of something-orother´ on it. I couldn’t wait to find out what it contained, so I dragged it into the front room and put the telly on in order to catch the end of the Jeremy Kyle show. I’m not usually up early enough to see it. I then made myself a cup of tea, and watched an informative programme about antiques. After I’d made some lunch, I settled down for an episode of Murder She Wrote, then some Quincy, which led nicely into an American chat show where everybody called each other bitches and whores, and then started to beat the crap out of each other. After a brief nap, I watched some Star Trek type programme, then the main evening news, followed by a couple of episodes of The Simpsons”.

There is growing concern over Britain’s ability to deal with its ever growing financial crisis, and the inevitable impending doom. Regardless of the government throwing ever increasing amounts of taxpayer’s money at crippled industries, jobs are still being cut. Nowhere is this more apparent than in the banking industry, where countless billions are being cast in their direction in a vain effort to create stability and trust in this particular financial sector. However, it has come to light that stringent He continued, “By then, my checks are not being adhered to. curiosity had got the better of It now seems that individual 26

me, so I turned my attention back to my mysterious delivery.

Attached to the box was a letter addressed to me. Though they had mispelt my name, I read it anyway. It said that `this box contains funds to help you through a difficult period´, and could I `at least spend some of it wisely´. I was also informed that I would never have to pay it back; and that there may be more later. When I opened it, it was full of bundles containing £100 notes” He added, “It took me five days to count it all, but by the end, I reckon I had about three billion pounds. It couldn’t have come at a better time. Ever since I’d left school 8 years ago, I’ve failed to find an acting job.

Despite, at the time, sending a letter requesting acting roles to both the BBC and Hollywood, I’ve sat around waiting for a reply, but I’ve never received one. It is now clear that it was worth the wait, and I will be forever grateful to the Labour Party. They´ve offered me hope, and I now feel able to retire… and maybe move away from this shithole”.

When we questioned a leading Government figure about this incident, his reaction came as no surprise.

“Lloyd Banks!!! Who the hell is Lloyd Banks??? Three billion!!! Look, I have to tell you, this is not the first time it’s happened. I think it may have something to do with our lowpaid and untrained, illegal im-

Gordon Banks, and a further billion to a bottle-bank in Gosport. We’ll have to try and get it back somehow. Do me a favour eh? Promise not to tell anyone.”

Retrieving the cash may not be so easy in Lloyds´ case. As of yesterday, he’s already purchased a top-of-the-range migrant clerical staff. Only home cinema system, a new today I’ve found out that two leather sofa… and the Pacific billion has been sent to Jodrell island of Tonga.

Bank Space Observatory; a billion to blind-in-one- eye for- Royturd News Agency; March mer England goalkeeper, 2009.

27

One night in the bar, the owner is lamenting the fact that business is so quiet on Mondays, Tuesdays and Wednesdays. As he moans to some of the regulars a stranger, dressed in a tweed jacket and wearing glasses wanders over and says, "I'm sorry, but I couldn't help overhearing your conversation. I'm a doctor at the lunatic asylum up the road and I'm trying to integrate some of the more sane individuals into the community. Why don't I bring some of my patients along, say next Tuesday? You'll have some customers and my patients will have a night out."

Well, the publican isn't sure but the thought of more paying customers on a quiet night appeals, so he agrees. The following Tuesday the guy in the tweed jacket and glasses shows up with about ten lunatics. He says to the publican, "They might try to pay for their drinks in unusual ways, please just accept whatever they give you, put it all on a tab and I'll settle up at closing time."

The barman has a great time selling loads of drinks and encouraging the loonies to eat chips and peanuts. The loonies have a great time, getting drunk and paying for their drinks with empty Coke cans, banana peels, used tea bags and plastic shopping bags.

At closing time the barman adds up the bill and it comes to just over two hundred euros!

The guy with the glasses and the tweed jacket starts to organize the loonies ready to take them back to the asylum.

Finally he comes over and asks for the bill. The publican, feeling that he's charged them rather a lot and feeling he should do his bit to help these poor unfortunate people gives him a discount.

Let's call it â&#x201A;Ź150," he says. The guy in the tweed jacket smiles and says, that's fine.

Have you got change for a bin lid?

Asian Minorities in the UK have complained that there is not enough television shows with minorities in mind, so Crimewatch is being shown 5 times a week now.

Two Asian heroin addicts have injected themselves with curry powder by mistake both are in intensive care. One has a dodgy tikka and the other one is in a korma.

During last night's high winds an African family were killed by a falling tree. A spokesman for the Birmingham Council said "We didn't even know they were living up there."

Several years ago, Andy was sentenced to prison. During his stay, he got along well with the guards and all his fellow inmates. The warden saw that deep down, Andy was a good person and made arrangements for Andy Police in London have to learn a trade while found a bomb outside a mosque. They've told the pub- doing his time. After 3 lic not to panic as they've man- years, Andy was recognized as one of the aged to push it inside. best carpenters in the 28

local area. Often he would be given a weekend pass to do odd jobs for the citizens of the community, and he always reported back to prison before Sunday night was over.

29

The warden was thinking of remodelling his kitchen and in fact had done much of the work himself. But he lacked the skills to build a set of kitchen cupboards and a large counter top which he had promised his wife. So he called Andy into his office and asked him to complete the job for him. But, alas, Andy refused. He told the warden, ''Gosh, I'd really like to help you but counter fitting is what got me into prison in the first place.''

A Young soldier stationed in Afghanistan recently received a "Dear John" Letter from his girlfriend back home. It read as follows: Dear Ricky, I can no longer continue our relationship. The distance between us is just too great. I must admit that I have cheated on you twice since you've been gone, and it's not fair to either of us.

I'm sorry. Please return the picture of me that I sent to you.

Love, Becky The Young soldier, with hurt feelings, asked his fellow soldiers for any snapshots they could spare of their girlfriends, sisters, ex-girlfriends, aunts, cousins etc. In addition to the picture of Becky, Ricky included all the other pictures of the pretty gals he had collected from his buddies.

There were 57 photos in that envelope along with this note: Dear Becky, I'm so sorry, but I

can't quite remember who the fuck you are.

Please take your picture from the pile, and send the rest back to me.

Why did the deaf blonde sit on a newspaper?

So she could lip read.

Why did the blonde call the welfare office?

She wanted to know how to cook food stamps!

What do a blonde and an instant lottery ticket have in common?

All you have to do is scratch the box to win.

They're open to any man between the ages of eighteen and thirty-five.

With all the recent talk of cloning, you'd think it was a new thing.

But in fact, a very wealthy What did the blonde's westerner had himself cloned mother say when she asked if many years ago. she could lick the The boy grew up to have very bowl? foul mouth. The more the son "Just flush it like everybody else swore, the madder the father does." got.

One day, the father got so mad Hear about the blonde he pushed his son off a high explorer? cliff.

She bought a piece of sandpa- The police arrested him for per thinking it was a map of the making an obscene clone fall.

Sahara Desert.

How can you tell if the

UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE (BBC2)

blonde is a nurse?

Jeremy Paxman: She can make a patient without What is another name for disturbing the bed. 'cherrypickers' and 'cheesemongers'?

What does a blonde have Contestant: in common with the United Homosexuals.

States Army?

Jeremy Paxman: 30

No. They're regiments in the British Army who will be very upset with you.

BEG, BORROW OR STEAL (BBC2) Jamie Theakston: Where do you think Cambridge University is?

Contestant: Geography isn't my strong point.

Jamie Theakston: There's a clue in the title.

Contestant: Leicester.

BBC NORFOLK Stewart White: Who had a worldwide hit with What A Wonderful World?

Contestant: I don't know.

Stewart White: I'll give you some clues: what do you call the part between your hand and your elbow?

Contestant: Arm. Stewart White: Correct. And if you're not weak, you're...?

Contestant: Strong.

Stewart White: Correct - and what was Lord Mountbatten's first name?

Contestant: Louis.

Stewart White: Well, there we are then. So who had a worldwide hit with the song What A Wonderful World?

Contestant: Frank Sinatra?

31

LATE SHOW (BBC MIDLANDS) Alex Trelinski: What is the capital of Italy?

Contestant: France.

Trelinski: France is another country. Try again.

Contestant: Oh, um, Benidorm.

Trelinski: Wrong, sorry, let's try another question. In which country is the Parthenon?

Contestant: Sorry, I don't know.

Trelinski: Just guess a country then.

Contestant: Paris.

THE WEAKEST LINK RICHARD AND JUDY Hoskins that is also the name of a famous painting by LeoRichard: (BBC2) Anne Robinson: Oscar Wilde, Adolf Hitler and Jeffrey Archer have all written books about their experiences in what: - Prison, or the Conservative Party?

Contestant: The Conservative Party.

BEACON RADIO (WOLVERHAMPTON) DJ Mark: For 10, what is the nationality of the Pope?

Ruth from Rowley Regis: I think I know that one. Is it Jewish?

Which American actor is married to Nicole Kidman?

Contestant: Forrest Gump.

nardo da Vinci.

Contestant: Who Framed Roger Rabbit?

Richard: On which street did Sherlock Holmes live?

Contestant: Er. . ..

Richard: He makes bread . . .

Contestant: Er . ....

Richard: He makes cakes . . .

Contestant: Kipling Street?

Steve Le Fevre: What was signed, to bring World War I to an end in 1918?

Contestant: Magna Carta?

THE BIGGEST GAME RICHARD AND JUDY IN TOWN (ITV)

JAMES O'BRIEN SHOW (LBC)

James O'Brien: How many kings of England have been called Henry?

Contestant: UNIVERSITY Er, well, I know there was a CHALLENGE LINCS FM PHONE-IN Henry the Eighth ... ER. ER ...

Bamber Gascoyne: Presenter: Three?

What was Gandhi's first name?

Which is the largest SpanishContestant: speaking country in the world? CHRIS SEARLE SHOW Goosey?

Contestant: (BBC RADIO BRISTOL) Barcelona.

Chris Searle: GWR FM (Bristol) Presenter: In which European country is Presenter: I was really after the name of a Mount Etna?

What happened in Dallas on country.

Caller: November 22, 1963?

Contestant: Japan.

Contestant: I'm sorry, I don't know the Chris Searle: I don't know, I wasn't watching names of any countries in I did say which European counit then.

Spain. try, so in case you didn't hear that, I can let you try again.

PHIL WOOD SHOW NATIONAL LOTTERY Caller: (BBC RADIO? (BBC1) Er .....Mexico?

MANCHESTER) Question: Phil: What is the world's largest PAUL WAPPAT (BBC What's 11 squared? continent?

RADIO NEWCASTLE) Contestant: Contestant: Paul Wappat: I don't know.

The Pacific.

How long did the Six-Day War Phil: between Egypt and Israel last?

I'll give you a clue. It's two ones ROCK FM (PRESTON) Contestant (long pause): with a two in the middle.

Presenter: Fourteen days.

Contestant: Name a film starring Bob Is it five?

32

33

You are on the bus

The good news,' Joe says,' is as they're told. that there's rugby in heaven.

They must not teach children when you suddenly realize...

Even better yet, all of our old about England of old.

You need to fart.

The music is really loud, so you friends who died before us are here, too. Better than that, Writers like Shakespeare, Miltime your farts with the beat. we're all young again. ton and Shaw.

After a couple of songs, you Better still, it's always spring The pupils don't learn about start to feel better. time and it never rains or them anymore.

As you are leaving the bus, snows.

And best of all, we can How about Agincourt, Hastpeople are really staring you play rugby all we want, and we ings, Arnhem or Mons? down, and that's when you never get tired, or injured.'

When England lost hosts of her remember:...

'That's fantastic,' says Mike.

'It's very brave sons.

You've been listening to your beyond my wildest dreams! So ipod! what's the bad news?'

We are not Europeans, how 'You're in this afternoons can we be?

One day Mike says, 'Joe, team.'

Europe is miles away over the we both loved rugby all our sea. lives, and we played rugby on ONE FOR GEORGE AND We're the English from EngSaturdays together for so many ALL. land, let's all be proud. years. Please do me one Goodbye to my England, So Stand up and be counted favour, when you get to long my old friend.

Shout it out loud !

Heaven, somehow you must let Your days are numbered, being Let's tell our Government and me know if there's rugby brought to an end.

Brussels too. there.'

To be Scottish, Irish or Welsh We're proud of our heritage Joe looks up at Mike from his that's fine, and the Red, White and Blue. death bed,' Mike, you've been But don't say you're English, Fly the flag of Saint George or my best friend for many years. that's way out of line. the Union Jack.

If it's at all possible, I'll do this Let the world know - WE favour for you.

The French and the Germans WANT OUR ENGLAND Shortly after that, Joe passes may call themselves such.

BACK !!!! on. At midnight a couple of So may Norwegians, the nights later, Mike is awakened from a sound Swedes and the Dutch. sleep by a blinding flash of You can say you white light and a voice calling are Russian or out to him, 'Mike--Mike.' maybe a Dane.

Who is it? Asks Mike sitting up But don't say suddenly. 'Who is it?' Mike--it's you're English me, Joe.' You're not Joe. Joe ever again. just died.'

'I'm telling you, it's me, Joe,' insists the voice.' 'Joe! Where are you?'

'In heaven', replies Joe. 'I have some really good news and a little bad news.'

'Tell me the good news first,' says Mike.

At Broadcasting House the word is taboo.

In Brussels it's scrapped, in Parliament too.

Even schools are affected, staff do 34

Early Scottish Torture Techniques, No 17 â&#x20AC;&#x153;Burning The Campbell at Both Endsâ&#x20AC;?

35

The owner of a golf course was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.

He called her into his office and said: "You graduated from the University of Durham, and I need some help. If I were to give you 認20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?"

The secretary thought a moment, and then replied: "Everything but my earrings."

back up the trail," the successful hunter replied.

"You left Henry laying out there, and carried the deer back?" they inquired.

"A tough call," nodded the hunter, "but I figured no one is going to steal Henry!"

The copper pulled

up next to the guy unloading garbage out A group of Aberdonian of his pick-up friends went deer hunting and into the paired off in twos for the day. ditch.

The copper That night one of the hunters returned alone, staggering un- asked: "Why der the weight of an eight-point are you dumping garbuck.

"Where's Henry?" the others bage in the ditch? Don't asked. you see that "Henry had a stroke of some sign right kind. He's a couple of miles 36

over your head?"

"Yep", he replied; "that's why I'm dumping it here . . . it says 'Fine For Dumping Garbage'."

A senior at the LSE was overheard saying . . . "When the end of the world comes, I

hope to be in Bournemouth" When asked why, he replied he'd rather be in Bournemouth because everything happens in Bournemouth 20 years later than in the rest of the civilized world.

The young man from Dublin came running into the store and said to his buddy: "Mick, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the car park!"

Mick replied: "Did you see who it was?"

The young man answered: "I couldn't tell, but I got his registration number."

'You can say what you want about the South, but Iâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;ve never heard of anyone wanting to retire to the North'

A golfer playing in Ireland hooked his drive into the woods. Looking for his ball, he found a little Leprechaun flat on his back, a big bump on his head and the golfer's ball beside him. Horrified, the golfer got his water bottle from the cart and poured it over the little guy, reviving him. "Arrgh! What happened?" the Leprechaun asked. "I'm afraid I hit you with my golf ball," the golfer replied.

"Oh, I see. Well, ye got me fair and square. Ye get three wishes, so whaddya want?" asked the Leprechaun.

"Thank God, you're all right!" the golfer answered in relief. "I don't want anything. I'm just glad you're OK, and I apologise." And with that, the golfer walks off. 'What a nice guy,' the Leprechaun said to himself. 'I

have to do something for him.

I'll give him the three things I would want; a great golf game, all the money he ever needs, and a fantastic sex life.'

A year goes by and the golfer is back. On the same hole, he again hits a bad drive into the woods and the Leprechaun is there waiting for him. "'Twas me that made ye hit the ball here," the little guy said. "I just want to ask ye, how's yer golf game?" "My game is fantastic!" the golfer answered. "I'm an internationally famous golfer now." He added, "By the way, it's good to see you're all right." "Oh, I'm fine now, thank ye. I did that fer yer golf game, you know. And tell me, how's yer money situation?" the little guy asked. "Why, it's just wonderful!" the golfer stated.

37

"When I need cash, I just reach in my pocket and pull out â&#x201A;Ź100 notes I didn't even know were there!" "I did that fer ye also.

And tell me, how's yer sex life?" asked the Leprechaun.

The golfer blushed, turned his head away in embarrassment, and said shyly, "It's OK." "C'mon, c'mon now," urged the Leprechaun, "I'm wanting to know if I did a good job. How many times a week?" Blushing even more, the golfer looked around, then whispered, "Once, sometimes twice a week." "What?" exclaimed the Leprechaun in shock and disbelief. "That's all? Only once or twice a week?"

"Well," replied the golfer, "I believe that's not too bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish."

The mystery of Ireland 's times officers have made this mistake. worst driver

he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven "It is quite embarrassing to see Poles are Ireland 's largest he said, "Lord, take pity on me! that the system has created immigrant population.

If you find me a parking place I Prawo Jazdy as a person with will go to Mass every Sunday Details of how police in Ireland over 50 identities." for the rest of me life and give finally caught up with the coun- The officer added that the up me Irish whiskey." try's most reckless driver have "mistake" needed to be rectiMiraculously, a parking place fied immediately and asked that emerged. appeared. Paddy looked up a memo be circulated throughHe had been wanted from again and said, "Never mind, I out the force. counties Cork to Cavan after found one."

In a bid to avoid similar misracking up scores of speeding takes being made in future tickets and parking fines. relevant guidelines were also Father Murphy walks into However, each time the serial a pub in Donegal, and says to offender was stopped he man- amended. the first man he meets, "Do aged to evade justice by giving And if nothing else is learnt form this driving-related deba- you want to go to heaven?" a different address.

But then his cover was blown. cle, Irish police officers should The man said, "I do, Father."

It was discovered that the man now know at least two words The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall." every member of the Irish po- of Polish.

As for the seemingly elusive Mr Then the priest asked the seclice's rank and file had been looking for - a Mr Prawo Jazdy Prawo Jazdy, he has presumably ond man, "Do you want to go become a cult hero among to heaven?"

- wasn't exactly the sort of "Certainly, Father," was the prized villain whose apprehen- Ireland 's largest immigrant man's reply. sion leads to an officer winning population.

"Then stand over there against an award.

Hung Chow calls into the wall," said the priest.

In fact he wasn't even human. work and says, 'Hey, I no come Then Father Murphy walked up "Prawo Jazdy is actually the work today, I really sick, Got to O' Toole and said, "Do you Polish for driving licence and headache, stomach ache and want to go to heaven?" not the first and surname on O' Toole replied, "No, I don't the licence," read a letter from legs hurt, I no come work.'

The boss says, 'You know Father."

2007 from an officer working something, Hung Chow, I The priest said, "I don't believe within the Garda's traffic divireally need you today. When I this. You mean to tell me that sion. feel like this, I go to my wife when you die you don't want and tell her to give me sex. to go to heaven?"

That makes everything better O 'Toole retorted, "Oh, when I and I go to work. You try die, yes! I thought you were that.' gettin' a group together to go Two hours later Hung Chow right now." calls again. 'I do what you say and I feel great. I be at Paddy was in New work soon ....... You York . He was patiently got nice house. waiting and watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing.

"Having noticed this, I decided to check and see how many

Paddy was driving down The cop stopped the flow of

the street in a sweat because 38

traffic and shouted, "Okay, pe-

destrians." Then he'd allow the traffic to pass. He'd done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk.

After the cop had shouted, "Pedestrians!" for the tenth time, Paddy went over to him and said, "Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?"

Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend, Finney. "Did you see the paper?" asked Gallagher. "They say I died!!"

"Yes, I saw it!" replied Finney.

"Where is it yer callin' from?"

A Boston Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.

He says, "Father, have you been drinking?"

"Just water," says the priest.

The trooper asks, "Then why do I smell wine?"

The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"

Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, "Pour me a stiff one just had another fight with the little woman."

"Oh yeah?" said Charlie, "and how did this one end?"

"When it was over," Mike replied, "she came to me on her 39

hands and knees."

"Really," said Charles, "Now that's a switch! What did she say?"

She said, "Come out from under the bed, you little chicken."

made the landing especially painful. Managing not to yell, Flynn sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding.

He managed to quietly find a Flynn staggered home full box of Band-Aids and began very late after another evening putting a Band-Aid as best he with his drinking buddy, Paddy. could on each place that he He took off his shoes to avoid saw blood. Then Flynn hid the waking his wife, Mary. He tip- now almost empty Band-Aid toed as quietly as he could to- box and shuffled and stumbled ward the stairs leading to their his way to bed. In the morning, Flynn woke up with searing upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he pain in both his head and butt caught himself by grabbing the and with Mary staring at him from across the room. balustrade, his body swung She remarked, "You were around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle drunk again last night weren't in each back pocket broke and you?"

40

Flynn said, "Why you say such a mean thing, Mary?"

"Well," Mary replied, "it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly.....it's all those BandAids stuck on the hall mirror!"

41

Tony's wife thought it was very romantic when he vowed to have a picture of her tattooed on his arm.

'There's just no pleasing some women!' he moaned, after she threw him out of the house.

42

Oh, I Wish I'd Looked After Me Tits

By Pam Ayres Oh, I wish I'd looked after me dear old knockers, Not flashed them to boys behind the school lockers, Or let them get fondled by randy old dockers, Oh, I wish I'd looked after me tits .

'Cos now I'm much older and gravity's winning.

It's Nature's revenge for all that sinning, And those dirty memories are rapidly dimming, Oh, I wish I'd looked after me tits.

'Cos tits can be such troublesome things When they no longer bounce, but dangle and swing.

And although they go well with my Bingo wings, I wish I'd looked after me tits.

When they're both long enough to tie up in a bow, When it's not the sweet chariot that swings low, When they're less of a friend and more of a foe, Then I wish I'd looked after me tits.

When I was young I got whistles and hoots, From the men on the site to the men in the suits, Now me nipples get stuck in the zips on me boots, Oh, I wish I'd looked after me tits.

When I was younger I rode bikes and scooters, Cruising around with my favourite suitors.

Now the wheels get entangled

with my dangling hooters, I wish I'd looked after me tits.

When they follow behind and get trapped in the door, When they're less in the air and more near the floor, When people see less of them rather than more, Oh, I wish I'd looked after me tits.

An American, a British and an Indian went for a hike one day. It was very hot. They were sweating and exhausted.

When they came upon a small lake, they took off all their clothes and jumped into the water, since it was fairly secluded. Feeling refreshed, the trio decided to pick a few berries while enjoying their" freedom."

As they were crossing an open area, a group of ladies from town suddenly appeared. Unable to get to their clothes in time, the American and the British quickly used their hands to cover their privates. But the Indian covered his face while they ran for cover.

After the ladies had left and the men got their clothes back on.

The American and the British asked the Indian why he covered his face rather than his private part.

The Indian replied, " I don't know about you, but in my country, it's the face that people recognize".

Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown of economy, Management has decided to imple-

ment a scheme to put workers of 40 years of age and above on early retirement.

This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early).

Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to management to be eligible for the SHAFT scheme (Special Help After Forced Termination). Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW program (Scheme Covering RetiredEarly Workers). A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as Management deems appropriate.

Persons who have been RAPED might get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependants & Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance).

Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further

by Management.

Persons who are not RAPED and are staying 43

on will receive as much SHIT (Special High Intensity Training) as possible.

Management has always prided itself on the amount of SHIT it gives employees.

Should you feel that you do not receive enough SHIT, please bring to the attention of your Supervisor. They have been trained to give you all the SHIT you can handle.

Enjoy the Holidays!

GLOSSARY OF YORKSHIRE MEDICAL TERMS This guide was devised by Dr Lis Rodgers, GP and Chair of the Professional Executive Committee to assist European Doctors coming to work in the South Yorkshire area.

Doncaster GPs and their staff contributed to the guide which was collated by Ms Angela Horrocks.

All the words and phrases included in this guide are those which have been used by pa-

Local Term

Translated Term

Ay up Badly Balls Barking

Hello Feeling ill Testicles Cough

Barnsley’s at home Belly ache

Menstruating

Belly button Bins Bird Bits Boggles Bollocks Bonking Boobies Boobs Bowel action

doctors who do not speak English as a first language. Whilst these phrases are in common use locally, readers should be aware that some people may find them offensive, however, demand to view the guide has been high, and for this reason, The Smuggler Magazine will be bringing you extracts of this publication over the next few issues.

graves. I said, “Morning,” and he said, “No, having a crap,”

“I’m twelve now mummy. Please can I have some frilly lace panties, some fishnet stockings, and a wonder bra?”

“No Steven, you can’t!”

Have you heard of the new Australian National Anthem? “Fry Me Kangaroo When do you know your Brown, Sport, Fry Me Kangashag is a fat bird? When you’ve roo Brown” got her knickers down to her ankles and her arse is still in Joe Kinear has been voted them. the worst caretaker since Ian Huntley.

I was walking through the cemetery the other day when I Well, Australia wanted saw this bloke by one of the the ashes, didn’t they?

Abdominal pain Umbilicus Glasses Female Genitalia Nasal discharge Testicles Intercourse Breasts Breasts Faeces

tients during consultations and have been included to assist 44

A very tall man his pants, and on his walks into a bar, and leg, he has a tattoo that a lady recognizes him as a basketball player.

They start to talk, and eventually, go back to his place.

They start to kiss, and the man takes off his shirt.

On his arm, he has a tattoo that says REEBOK. 'What's that?' the lady questions.

'Oh, I have this so that when I'm on TV, people will see my tattoo, and Reebok pays me.'

Then the man takes off

says NIKE. 'What's that?' the lady questions again.

'Just like the Reebok tattoo, I get paid when this tattoo is seen on TV. Then the man drops his underwear and on his penis he has a tattoo that says AIDS. You didn't tell me you had AIDS!' the lady screams.

'No, no! Calm down,' the man replies. 'This will say ADIDAS in a minute.

45

Smuggler Puzzle Pages

Solutions Page 61

Giant Sudoku Puzzle Fill each empty cell so that every row, every column and every 5x5 box contains all the letters from A to Y. This will keep you busy.

46

Easy

Hard

26. Pace (4) 27. Nightgown (7) Down 1. Empty (6) 2. Morning (4) 3. Unfasten (7) 4. Valleys (5) 5. A tenth part (5) 6. Removing faults (8) 7. Erodes (5) 11. Agreement (4) 13. Cloudy (8) 14. Sharpen (4) 16. Dividing into two equal parts (7) 17. Silhouette (5) 19. From that place (6) 21. Scrimp (5) 22. Inert elemental gas (5) 24. Ultimate (4) Across 1. Man's felt hat (7) 5. It was (4) 8. Radical (7) 9. Wool fat (7) 10. Spendthrift (7)

12. Loud, rushing noise (6) 15. Encroach (5) 18. Instructed (6) 20. Yorkshire town (7) 23. Rotate (7) 25. Thin coating of meta(7) 47

Two men were

tonight.. Can you believe it? I graduated sitting next to each from St. Mary's in 1964 other at a bar. After a while, one guy looks at my own self!'

About this time, Vicky the other and says, 'I walks into the bar, sits can't help but think, down and orders a from listening to you, beer. that you're from IreBrian, the bartender, land .'

The other guy responds walks over to Vicky, proudly, 'Yes, that I am!' shaking his head and mutters, 'It's going to be The first guy says, 'So am I! And where about a long night tonight.' from Ireland might you Vicky asks, 'Why do you say that, Brian'? be'?

The other guy answers, 'The Murphy twins are 'I'm from Dublin , I am.' pissed again.'

The first guy responds, This blunt-speaking 'So am I!' 'Sure and begorra. And Yorkshire man woke up what street did you live one morning with a sore arse. So off he went to on in Dublin ? the English-speaking The other guy says, 'A lovely little area it was. I Famacia. In he walks, and as bold as brass he lived on McCleary Street in the old central says, “Nah then, have thee any arse cream?” part of town.'

The first guy says, 'Faith The lad behind the counter said, “Si señor, and it's a small world.

Cornetto or Magnum?

So did I! So did I! And to what school would you have been going'?

There are three The other guy answers, women in my life, all of 'Well now, I went to St. them dolls: Mary's, of course.'

My daughter – my baby The first guy gets really doll. excited and says, 'And My lover – my Barbie so did I. Tell me, what doll. year did you graduate'? My wife – My panadol.

The other guy answers, One good thing 'Well, now, let's see. I about this credit crunch graduated in 1964.' and recession: ThouThe first guy exclaims, sands of men are getting 'The Good Lord must to have sex with their be smiling down upon us! I can hardly believe wives again. The poor our good luck at wind- dears can’t afford batteries anymore! ing up in the same bar 48

49

Dear Mrs V. Gyna I, Mr P. Niss, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons: •I do physical labour •I work at great depths •I plunge headlong into everything I do •I do not get weekends or public holidays off •I work in damp conditions •I work in a dark environment, that has poor ventilation •I work in high temperatures •My work exposes me to contagious diseases Yours truly, Mr P. Niss

•You are unable to work double shifts.

•You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed the assigned task.

•And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and leaving the workplace with two suspicious looking bags.

Yours truly, Mrs V. Gyna

Overheard in a bar in

Javea, where a young cocky lad was taking the piss out of an older chap: Older Chap: “Well, you’re so Dear Mr P. Niss young you probably haven’t After assessing your request, even experienced a blow job and considering the points you yet!” have raised, the administration Cocky youngster: “Course I’ve rejects your request on the experienced a blow job!” following grounds: Older Chap: “Oh yeah?! What •You do not work 8 hours did it taste like?” straight •You fall asleep after brief This bloke is getting work periods dressed one morning when his •You do not always follow the wife says to him, “I had a wet orders of the management dream about you last night,” team The bloke is naturally a bit •You do not stay in your desig- chuffed, and with a swagger nated area and are often seen says, “Oh yeah, what hapvisiting other locations pened?”

•You do not take the initiative His wife replied, “You were hit – you need to be pressured by a bus and I pissed myself and stimulated in order to laughing!” start working •You leave the workplace “Just got back from a rather messy at the end of Mumbai Murder Mystery your shift Weekend. Fuck it was •You don’t always observe the So realistic!” necessary safety regulations, such as wearing protective “What’s blue and white with clothing a really tight •You will retire well before ‘Cu*t at one end? you are 65.

A Lidl bag.”

50

51

A bloke walks up to a golf pro and says, “I’m looking for a partner for a round of golf tomorrow. Would you be available?”

After a quick discussion about money, they agree to meet at 9 o’clock the following morning. As they part company the bloke says, “I might be late,” The next morning the bloke turns up on time, and playing right-handed, proceeds to thrash the golf pro. After the game, the bloke says, “Do you want to play again tomorrow?” After another brief discussion about money, they agree to meet. Once again, as they are parting company, the bloke says, “I may be late,”

52

The following morning the bloke meets the golf pro on time, and this time playing lefthanded, thrashes him again.

By now the pro is heartily pissed off, and asks the man, “What’s all this right-handed/ left-handed business? And why do you always say that you might be late?”

The man explains: “When I wake up in the morning, if the wife is on her right side, I play right handed. If she is on her left side, I play left-handed. If she’s on her back, well, I might be late!”

Q. What does a guy and a car dive? have in common?

A. Because it scares the shit A. They both have the ability to out of the dog misfire.

Q. What do you call a gay diQ. Why do men get their great nosaur? ideas in bed?

A. Mega-saur-ass A. Because their plugged into a genius!

Q. What's the difference between a wife and a girlfriend ?

Q. What did one saggy tit say A. 3 Stone! to the other saggy tit?

A. If we don't get some supQ. Where do you find a one port soon, people will think legged dog? we're nuts!

A. Where you left it.

Q. How can you tell when a women is having a bad day?

Q: Why doesn't a chicken A. She has her tampon behind wear pants? her ear and she cant find her A: Because his pecker is on his cigarette. head!

Q. Why don't blind men sky-

53

Q. What's pink and fluffy A. Pink fluff Q. What's blue and fluffy A. Pink fluff holding it's breath

Sunday school teacher Heaven?" was testing children in a Glasgow Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting to Heaven She asked them, "If I sold my house and my car, had a big jumble sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into Heaven?"

"NO!" the children answered.

"If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the garden, and kept everything tidy, would that get me into heaven?"

Again, the answer was "No!" By now she was starting to smile.

"Well then, if I was kind to animals and gave sweeties to all the children and loved my husband, would that get me into

Again they all answered "No!" She was just bursting with pride for them.

Well she continued, "then how can I get into Heaven?

A six year-old Glasgow boy shouted out, "YUV GOTTAE BE F#CKN' DEAD YA MUPPET

Little Johnny's at it again..... A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, 'Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!'

After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, 'Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?' 'No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!'

Little Johnny

cream with a tissue. 'What's the matter?' asked Little Johnny. 'Giving up?'

The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said, 'Johnny! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?' Little Johnny quickly replied, 'NBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!'

Little Johnny's kindergar-

ten class was on a field trip to watched, fasci- their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a nated, as his bulletin board of the 10 most mother smoothed cold wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture cream on her and asked if it really was the face. 'Why do photo of a wanted person. you do that, 'Yes,' said the policeman. 'The mommy?' he detectives want very badly to asked. 'To capture him.' Little Johnny make myself asked, 'Why didn't you keep beautiful,' said him when you took his pichis mother, who then began ture ?' removing the 54

Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, 'I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent.'

'Thank God,' said an elderly nun at the back. 'I'm so tired of chardonnay.

An older lady was somewhat lonely and decided she needed a pet to keep her company. so, off to the pet shop she went. she searched and searched. None of the pets seemed to catch her interest, except this ugly frog. as she walked by the jar he was in, she looked and he winked at her.

He whispered, I'm so lonely, too. buy me and take me home. you won't ever be sorry.

The old lady figured, what the heck! she hadn't found anything else. So, she bought the frog. she placed him in the car, on the front seat beside her. As she was slowly driving down the road, the frog whispered to her kiss me and you won't be sorry!

So! the old lady figured, what the heck, and kissed the frog.

Immediately the frog turned into an absolutely gorgeous, sexy, young, handsome prince. the prince then returned the old lady's kiss.

Suddenly the old lady felt herself transforming from his kiss.

Now can you guess what the old lady turned into?

Yes your right, she turned into the first Holiday Inn she could find!!

Little girl stuck in fence -tragic story with a happy ending.

Firemen from the Gandia area, all joined in a team effort to rescue a young girl stuck in steel fence. It took several hours to extract her from her predicament.

Fire Chief Hardono said, 'This was a pretty tough rescue, it took us quite a while to come up with a plan to safely extract her from the fence.'

Although the girl's entrapment was never life threatening it did take careful planning and gentle handling to safely remove her.

She was taken to an area hospital where she was examined and released.

Poor thing, this picture just about broke my 55

heart!

I just wanted to reach out and help her myself!

Photo Overleaf………………..

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. 'Careful,' he said, 'CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them!

TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the! Salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!' The wife stared at him. 'What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?' The husband calmly replied, 'I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving.'

From Previous Page.

56

My next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes.

He's a catholic converter.

So I rang up British Telecom, I said "I want to report a nuisance caller", He said "Not you again"

He said "You remind me of a pepper-pot".

I said "I'll take that as a condiment".

Now did you know all male tennis players are witches, for example that Goran, even he's a witch.

And I've got a friend who's fallen in love with two school bags.

He's bisatchel.

So I said to this train driver "I want to go to Paris". He said "Eurostar?"

I said "I've been on telly, but I'm no Tom Cruise".

So I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?"

He said "How flexible are you?"

I said "I can't make Tuesdays".

So I said "Do you want a game of Darts?" He He said "Baa", I said "Moo", he said "OK then" I said "Nearest said "You're closest". to bull starts".

57

Marriage David Bissonette When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.

Sacha Guitry After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together.

Anonymous By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. Socrates Anonymous Women inspire us to great things, and prevent us from achieving them.

electronic banking. It's called marriage."

Dumas The great question... which I James Holt McGavran have not been able to answer.... "I've had bad luck with both my is, "What does a woman want? wives. The first one left me, and the second one didn't."

Sigmund Freud I had some words with my Patrick Murray wife, and she had some paraTwo secrets to keep your margraphs with me. riage brimming Anonymous "Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays."

Sam Kinison "There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than

1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it, 2. Whenever you're right, shut up.

Henny Youngman My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

Rodney Dangerfield A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.

Anonymous A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted"..

Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."

Nash The most effective way to re- Anonymous member your wife's birthday is First Guy (proudly): "My wife's to forget it once... an angel!"

Second Guy: "You're lucky, Anonymous mine's still alive."

You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.

58

59

THE best footballers

Drogba’s tendency to let their feet do their talking. And when you hear fall over, 2007 them speak, you understand why.

“We were driving back “Normally when you swap shirts they are soaked in sweat, from Birmingham when but Beckham’s smelt only of Kieron (Dyer) perfume. Either he protects suddenly himself against BO or he shouted, ‘Stop sweats cologne.” the bus! I’ve Ronaldo, Brazil striker afleft my diater the World Cup quarter-final win over England, mond earring in the dressing 2002 room.’ Can “Becks hasn’t changed since you imagine in I’ve known him. He’s always my playing been a flash Cockney git.” days a player Ryan Giggs, United coltelling Bill league, 2003 “I’m so glad there will now be Shankly, ‘Stop two good-looking guys at Real. the bus, Bill, I’ve left me I’ve felt so lonely in such an earring in the dressing room.” ugly team.”

Roberto Carlos, Brazil and Sir Bobby Robson, Newcastle manager, 2003 Real Madrid defender, “It’s not nice going into the 2003, on news that Beckham was joining the supermarket and the woman at Spanish side the till is thinking, ‘Dodgy “You score goals as a kid. Then keeper.’” you grow up stupid and beDavid James, then playing come a goalkeeper.” erratically in goal for LiverGianluigi Buffon, Juventus and Italy goalkeeper, 2004 pool, 1997 “He’s a smashing professional “I’d been ill and hadn’t trained and a leader. He’s like Bobby Moore in that respect, though for a week. Plus I was out of he wouldn’t have made it into the side for three weeks before that. So I wasn’t sharp. I got Bobby’s drinking school.”

Harry Redknapp, West cramp before half-time as well.

Ham manager, 2000, on But I’m not one to make exPaolo Di Canio cuses.”

“Drogba - the strength of a bull Clinton Morrison, then but the pain threshold of a with Birmingham, on his lamb.” disappointing display at Clive Tyldesley, ITV comCrystal Palace, 2005 mentator, on Didier 60

“There have been a few players described as the new George Best over the years, but this is the first time it’s been a compliment to me.”

George Best talking about Cristiano Ronaldo, 2004 “If brains were chocolate, he wouldn’t have enough to fill a smartie.”

Former Leicester City striker Alan Birchenall, talking about Robbie Savage “(Wayne) Rooney has signed a deal to do five books. That’s an awful lot of crayons.”

Johnnie Walker, Radio 2 DJ, 2002

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Distribution Agents for The Smuggler Ador: Monte Corona Restaurant. Benidorm: Trade Wise. Benissa: Café Pronto (in Iceland). Cabo Roig: Slievenamon Irish Pub. Calpe: New Chester’s Bar; Tasty Pastry; Saffy’s Bar. Denia: Bar Café Olé. Els Poblets: The Orange Grove Restaurant. Jalon: Quick Save; Lemon Tree Bar; Harry Stafford’s Fish & Chips.

Javea: Euro Bazar; Coastal Bar; Bomber’s Pub; Digby’s Bar; Inspirations; James the Barber; Sertel scp; Quo Vadis; Incodnito Fish and Chips; Checker’s Pizza; English Bakers. La Llosa de Camacho: Bar Emilio. La Marina: La Marina Lavanderia. La Xara: Kelly’s of La Xara. Los Altos: Welcome Inn. Los Dolses: Madigan’s Bar; Bar Wicked. Moraira: Hamiltons of London; Mojo’s Bar Bistro; Holly’s Bar & Restaurant. Moraira – Calpe Coast Rd: Tich’s Bar; Cornish Pride; David’s Fish & Chip Shop. Oliva: Quick Save; Magnum’s Bar; Bar Express; La Brasa; Café Ole. Orba: The New Forn Vell. Playa Flamenca: Macey’s Shop; Frying Scotsman. Punta Prima: The Captain’s Table Restaurant. San Luis: Hoggies Bar. Teulada: Base Satellite.

Torrevieja: Express Internet. Villa Martin: Chadwick’s Bar. Contact Paul on 690 345 135 Email: editor@thesmuggler.es

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