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JournaL THE

The Collegiate Journal is produced by students for the Collegiate community.

( V O L. 8 0 n o. 7

The Glory Days

Reunions Give Chance for Classmates to Reconnect and Relive by NATHAN EWING-CRYSTAL

“Seeing old friends,” History teacher Dr. Massimo Maglione replied when asked what his favorite part of the reunions was — followed closely by “seeing old teachers. [Alumni] look upon their teachers more fondly after the grading goes into the mists of time.” Whatever it is that brings graduated Dutchmen back every year — a sense of unity,

“There were about 400 RSVPs to come; we didn’t get quite that many [in person], but we got well over 300 attendees,” Administrative Assistant of Development Rosemary Sitler said. This year’s reunion, while open to every grade, was meant especially for classes five years apart, namely, the classes of 2008, 2003, 1998, and so on, with a special 50 year reunion for the Class of 1963.


Some of the Class of 1963 poses on the steps of the 77th St. Church at their 50th reunion.

the promise of free food, or the chance to complain about the lax dress-code — it worked its magic once again this year: the reunion that took place on Friday, May 3, was a rousing success by any standard.

BEHIND THE RED DOORS Newly elected student body president Luke White ’14 delivers a stunning acceptance speech to the student body. School historian Dr. Massimo Maglione calls it "One of the most inspirational addresses of our time." Dean Rubin, smitten with his newly chromed office, has announced his plans to "aluminate" the entire old building before he and the class of 2013 say their final farewells. Danny Cramer ’13 shows unprecedented devotion to the spirit of senior spring, pulling off one of the most rogue maneuvers in school history: cutting senior cut day.


Alumni Director Jesse Cohen ’82, a Collegiate graduate himself, was in charge of planning the reunion in conjunction with the Development Office. “My role…is to make sure that the reunion is the best it can possibly be – [that involves] a lot of planning, working with class agents … and a lot of other details,” he said in an email interview. This year’s reunion began with a convocation, followed by the 50th reunion class’s meeting the Fourth Grade, “something that the alums really love,” Mr. Cohen said. “They leave the Fourth Grade classrooms just walking on air.” After a luncheon in the alumni gym and a free afternoon, all the attendees convened in the theatre where Phyllis Brugnolotti, the librarian before current librarian Maggie Dixon, was honored and gave a speech. What happened next, however, made this reunion stand out from countless others that Continued on Page 5


Legendary former Collegiate student Dan-el Padilla Peralta ’02 discusses immigration law.

M AY i s s u e

since 1932

MAY 2013 | 1

"I wouldn't make an entirely unattractive cross-dresser." —Matt Shedden



With Prank, Seniors Leave a Last Mark by MICHAEL MORIARTY

“I think it’s been a successful prank,” Dean of Students Michael Rubin said as he sat in his office, surrounded entirely by its tin-foil wrapped walls. “I like it, I think I’m going to keep part of it up.” Every year, the senior class works together to plan all kinds of pranks and antics to conduct throughout Collegiate. Mr. Rubin’s office-makeover, for example, was just a fraction of the mischief the Class of 2013 caused during their senior prank this year. The senior prank has become somewhat of rite of passage at Collegiate over the years, with the annual day of tomfoolery joining the senior fair, senior cut day, and the senior prom as the routine of events each graduating class enjoys as commencement approaches every year. Although there is a ritualistic notion around the senior prank, and students have come to perceive it as a tradition, the annual, class-organized senior pranks actually began just six years ago. We have not our Dutch forefathers to thank for establishing Collegiate’s senior prank, but instead the brave group of innovators that is the Class of 2007 for perpetrating the first class prank that initiated the tradition we now enjoy every year. These trailblazers cleared the way for all future senior pranks when they released an enormous



Top, the mini-golf setup in the courtyard; bottom, Mr. Rubin's redecorated office.

number of rubber bouncy balls to flood down the steps of the old building. The stunt went over very well with both faculty members and students, as the seniors proved that the senior prank can be fun and enjoyable without being disruptive. “That was very cool,” Head Librarian Maggie

Dixon said, “and the little kids adored it!” Although the 2007 senior prank had been the first of the class-organized senior pranks now carried out every year, there had been previous, scattered pranks before it. However, these Continued on Page 4


Michael Rubin

Maggie Dixon

Dean of Students

Head Librarian

Anne Lynagh

Middle School Math

A Long Last Goodbye

The end of the schoolyear means the end of the careers of three Collegiate stalwarts: Ms. Dixon, library mainstay since 1981; Mr. Rubin, who played many roles over thirteen years; and Ms. Lynagh, legend in the middle grades since 1989. Pages 6-7.



Matt Agar-Johnson writes an opinion piece on the environment around LGBT students at Collegiate.

OPINIONS....................................2-3 NEWS..........................................4-7


James Grad recaps and gets reactions to artist Fred Harper's visit to the Middle School.



Austen Rattray recounts author and cartoonist Alison Bechdel's visit to Collegiate.

COMMUNITY................................8-9,14 ARTS.......................................12-13 COLUMNS......................................10-11 SPORTS....................................15-16


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EDITORIAL BOARD, VOL. LXXX Elias Bresnick Editor-in-Chief

We welcome suggestions for Editorials, Community features, including the Separated at Births, Quote of the Issue, and Behind the Red Doors. Please e-mail ideas to the Editor:

Jacob Singer Executive Editor Benedict Croak and Michael Savarese Managing Editors

Check out for extra content and collaborations.

Denis Fedin, Arts Editor Andrew O'Donohue, Content Editor Andrew Chang, News Editor Ben Miller, Community Editor Emory Witt, Sports Editor

If you would like to be the featured club for the next issue or have a message you would like to be printed, please send us an e-mail at

Dr. John Beall, Faculty Advisor Sara Shulman, Faculty Advisor Rosemary Sitler, Faculty Advisor



Opinions expressed in The Collegiate Journal do not necessarily reflect those of Collegiate School, its faculty, staff, or administration. Opinions printed without a byline are those of the editorial board; opinion pieces with a byline represent the views of the writer and not necessarily those of The Collegiate Journal or Collegiate School.

The Collegiate Journal welcomes opinion pieces from members of the Collegiate community. Members of the Collegiate community who wish to submit a letter to the editor or an op-ed must notify the Editor-in-Chief well in advance of the intended publication date. the Editor-in-Chief, in consultation with the Editorial Board, will specify how much space is available upon receipt of this email. Please email with any questions or comments.


Dan-el Padilla Peralta graduated from Collegiate in 2002. An undocumented immigrant from the Dominican Republic, Padilla rose from poverty to become the 2006 Princeton Latin salutatorian.

A little over two years ago, I had the privilege of speaking to the Collegiate community at Winter Convocation about my journey as an undocumented immigrant. In my remarks I tried not to dwell too much on the vicissitudes of my own life; the hope instead was to give a vivid sense of the many petty and notpetty humiliations inflicted on the over eleven million people who live and work in the United States sin papeles. I concluded with the fervently expressed wish that we all (1) try to understand what brings the undocumented here (2) work harder to bring them to the visibility and protections guaranteed by legal status. As I write this, members of the House and Senate are busy devising a legislative framework for comprehensive immigration reform (CIR). Still smarting over their rejection by Latino voters in the fall, (some) Republicans have come to the table at least willing to entertain a CIR package that includes a path to legalization for undocumented immigrants. While the Senate’s version of this path will almost unavoidably differ from that of the House, the House and Senate members most involved in the negotiations continue to express con-

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fidence that an accord will be reached. But storm clouds loom on the horizon. Recent reports suggest that the same combination of cleverly engineered partisan messaging and political timorousness that dealt a fatal blow to gun reform will also spell doom for CIR. Members of the two parties might opt instead for a series of smaller bills focusing only on (less controversial) aspects of immigration reform; the Senate and House might be unable to reconcile the differing proposals; the revised bill that comes out of reconciliation might not survive a House vote. The permutations are dizzying and for the most part inauspicious. So much for wish #2; if you support CIR with a path to legalization, every day brings some reason for optimism and more reason for despair. The let’s-takeour-sweet-time pas de deux between the two political parties on the issue of CIR legislation is alarming enough. Even more upsetting is the lack of anything approaching analytic rigor in the public debates over undocumented immigration. (And forget about sympathy for the plight of those sin papeles and their families; sympathy is in discouragingly short supply.) The tired talking-points are dusted off and pressed into service, especially but not only by the nattering nabobs of Murdoch Media Enterprises. A path to legalization is tantamount to amnesty! (Yes, it’s “amnesty” to force the undocumented to wait over a decade and pay prohibitively expensive fees to normalize status.) Those illegals hurt the economy and never pay taxes! (The latest studies slay this bloated monster of misinformed oversimplification.) Why couldn’t they just wait in line? (The repeated, successful deployment of the “wait in line” metaphor is a brilliant illustration of how pernicious a simple

turn of phrase can be; “the line”—and there is no one line—formed by our chaotic and broken immigration system defies easy comprehension.) And those illegals here better have to wait until the border is secured before any pathway to legalization is granted! (Fences do not alter economic realities. Border flows are dictated by labor demand; when the 2008 recession came around and the US economy contracted, net migration dropped to zero.) Fortunately for those of us who believe in the unassailable merits of the undocumented contribution to American society and the US economy, there are advocates desperately trying to enhance the public visibility of the arguments for the legalization of the undocumented. But these advocates (in my less humble moments I count myself among them) run into an obstacle that in many ways reflects a larger structural deficit in our political discourses: the paradoxicality of the exceptional. DREAM Act advocates in particular have to contend with this issue: how to champion a path of legalization for exceptional undocumented children and young adults without losing sight of the truly big prize—reform that touches and benefits all immigrants, not simply a carefully circumscribed class. Not to compare small things with great, but whether it’s my going on and on about my life at Winter Convocation or Gaby Pacheco fearlessly speaking truth to power in her recent testimony to the Senate Judiciary Committee, she and I are limited by the simple fact of having lived—and being able to vouch only for—the one admittedly unusual life. Faced with the story of how we came out of the margins of undocumentedness into the glaring lights of notoriety, people have the tendency to think and say, “Of course, those kids are exceptional; hook it up for them! But as for the others… ” The allurements of the exceptional narrative can hinder critical thinking about

and sustained interrogation of the institutional (dis)incentives at work in the configuration of the existing immigration complex. Talk about your life, sure, but if you want to introduce a little geopolitical awareness into the debate and draw attention to how US practices—and interventions—have helped sow the seeds for the immigration patterns we see now? Please. I shouldn’t knock the current climate too much. There has been (incremental) progress: meaningful legislative remedies are being proposed at the federal and state levels; first The Associated Press and now The Los Angeles Times are discarding reductive labels such as “illegal immigrant” in their reporting; and pro-immigration activists are becoming more and more prominent, the inspirational and indefatigable Jose Antonio Vargas in primis. And I keep reminding myself that it is hard to imagine the life and circumstances of (say) a migrant farm worker. It is hard to digest statistics, and numbers, and study after study. It is hard to begin understanding geopolitical contexts and processes. In my student days at Collegiate, one of my very best friends chided me for believing in the perfectibility of people. When I wasn’t making life difficult for some of my teachers, I drank deep from the well of their humanism: I persuaded myself that the things I saw wrong in the world beyond West End Avenue were mostly products of ignorance and could be remedied with a little humanistic learning and instruction. I have continued to keep the faith. But for anyone who believes, as I do, that reform of the immigration system is not only a practical necessity but a moral imperative, the past few years have been trying times. Forsan et haec olim meminisse iuvabit.



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Collegiate Isn't Utopia for Us All by MATTHEW AGAR-JOHNSON

On May 10th, I, along with a handful of Collegiate students, had the privilege of attending the first annual Interschool Gay-Straight Alliance Conference at the Browning school, where LGBT students (I am using LGBT as the catch-all term for nonheternormative gender or sexual identities) and allies met to discuss “What it's like at your school.” I was excited to attend to discuss issues, meet people, and generally find solidarity in the experiences of others. The event was remarkably well-organized and well-attended; voices were heard; experiences were shared. The experiences were overwhelmingly positive — students described the rest of the student body at their schools as open, accepting, and nurturing as they struggled to understand and come to terms with their identity. They described little to no discomfort telling their friends at school about their sexual identity – many of them “came out” as underclassmen. Many students were also present as allies, heterosexual students who came to show support for friends, including a couple of Collegiate students. While the tone of the conference was almost entirely positive, it made one thing very clear: Collegiate is way behind the curve on issues of sexual orientation, even in the Interschool. Hearing the stories of categorical acceptance of sexual identity in other schools served as a reminder of how things were for me and for other LGBT students at Collegiate. There are only a handful of openly gay students at Collegiate, all of us in the senior class as far as I'm aware. After I came out as gay in December of 2012, an underclassman confided in me that he was also gay, and I encouraged him to come out. He said that coming out was impossible — not only did he feel uncomfortable, he didn't feel safe. Having felt the same way myself for five years at the school, I can't say I don't sympathize with

him. His discomfort, and all of our discomfort, however, is a major problem that must not be overlooked. It is reflected in the size of our GSA, historically fewer than five members and attended sporadically compared to the club at, for example, Browning, which has more members despite Browning’s being half the size of Collegiate. The infrastructure for real support exists at Collegiate, yet students do not feel comfortable or safe in taking advantage of it. The fact that we have such limited LGBT representation at our school is symptomatic of a major cultural problem that affects all students at Collegiate, and contributes to the perception among LGBT students that the school is not a safe environment to be out and open. As a place of incredible academic, athletic, and almost any other kind of achievement you can name, Collegiate is naturally a place of some competitiveness, and in many ways, that is one of our great strengths. It also has, however, a darker cousin. There is a strong tendency toward negativity, demeaning, and shaming in the “humor” and interactions among Collegiate boys. From the “Fail Board,” a posterboard in the Student Center where pictures, tests with low grades, and online conversations are posted for the students to ridicule and deride, to the slew of fake Facebook profiles created to post mocking commentary on individual students, the idea of what is “funny” at Collegiate can be tainted with cruelty. Students who have a problem with this humor are labeled whiners, told they are being “too sensitive” or taking things “too seriously” and are silenced. While it may seem harmless, there is a fine line between good-natured fun and bullying. When bullying is so commonly identified as humor, it becomes all the more difficult for a victim to seek out help, at risk of feeling even more alienated from a community that tells you it's your fault if you have a problem with the jokes being told. No one wants to see a situation like this, but pretending that our words and actions are anything but hurtful and damaging makes it possible for us to ignore the fact that this has already happened. One can only imagine, when everything about you becomes ammunition for more humiliation, how difficult it is for students to divulge incredibly personal information like their sexual identity. It is not, however, merely an LGBT issue. Students who are victimized at Collegiate are afraid to be themselves, regardless of who they are. Straight people are

The Collegiate Journal is at its best when it accurately reflects the characters and attitudes of the school’s student body. As the paper’s 80th year draws to a close, looking back I believe we accomplished just that. I owe many thanks to my indefatigable Executive Editor Jacob Singer and his many sleepless nights, to Michael Savarese and Ben Croak for the significant creative help they’ve offered, to Denis Fedin for running the tightest ship in the publication, to our faculty advisors Dr. Beall, Ms. Shulman, and Ms. Sitler for their consistent watchful eyes, and to everyone else that contributed to any edition of the paper over the course of the year. We’re thrilled to pass along the paper to the competent hands of two assiduous journalists, Andrew Chang and Andrew O’Donohue. —Elias Bresnick

not immune. We need to treat everyone better. We need, as a community, to come to the understanding that “boys will be boys” and “words can never hurt me” are unacceptable excuses for the kind of treatment that people receive, because words can hurt, and they do, often more than people who have never experienced them can imagine. Having been called faggot and all the slurs for people like me, told that I would never have any friends, I promise that words can hurt. Words can destroy you because when you hear enough bad things about yourself you start to believe them, and once you believe them you can only see what they want you to see, and no matter how many people fall in love with you, or confide in you, or become your friend, you still see yourself as the person with no friends, a horrible monstrosity that everyone should hate. Your life becomes a struggle to see anything beautiful in yourself, and it is an arduous and difficult struggle. It has taken years of therapy for me to look at a picture of myself or look in a mirror and not have a panic attack, and I certainly didn't have that problem before I arrived at Collegiate. No one should have to live like that, certainly not here. I only now have the ability to stand up for myself because of years of therapy and the fact that I don't have any fear of retribution — I won't have to come back. People with years ahead of them spending every day in extreme proximity with this sort of treatment may not be able to do the same, and every student who suffers in silence for four years suffers a tragedy we cannot afford as a school and as a community. Instead of encouraging silence, we need to encourage co-operation. Each of us needs to have the courage to say “this needs to stop,” when we see people being teased or bullied. We need to do this even at the risk of jeopardizing our own social standing. It isn't going to be easy, but I know that we're capable of it. Collegiate is many great things, and I am proud and always will be proud to say that I went to this school, but we all must be constantly dilligent to make sure that everyone is treated with respect and kindness, and that our community is all that it can be. The effort that it takes to make everyone feel safe and accepted will be well worth it for everyone.


EDITORIAL BOARD, VOL. LXXXI Andrew Chang Editor-in-Chief Andrew O'Donohue Executive Editor John Lu Managing Editor Luke Chang, Arts Editor Luke White, News Editor Austen Rattray, News Editor Jonny Adler, Copy Editor Nathan Ewing-Crystal, Copy Editor William Bakst, Photo Editor


4 | MAY 2013


With Prank, Seniors Leave Final Mark on School From Front Page

were not class-wide events but were instead mostly orchestrated by a few guys on their own, and never developed into an annual tradition like the senior prank has over the last few years. The pre-bouncy-ball-pranks also had a very different nature to them. “Now [the senior pranks] are not prankish,” History teacher Dr. Massimo Maglione said, “not like they were in the past.” Those pranks were more “prank-

weren’t too amused about finding live rodents in their mailboxes, and the seniors landed themselves in a heap of trouble. Although none were faced with severe punishment, “there were many people that were upset,” Mrs. Dixon said, “no one was laughing in the end.” The bouncy ball drop in 2007 set the precedent for all future senior pranks to be fun and entertaining, but not at the expense of others. Nowadays, “nothing

pulled off one for the ages when they turned the courtyard into a bona fide beach club, complete with a volley ball court, minipool, and, of course, lots and lots of sand. The Class of 2010 followed up the legendary beach stunt by going in an more avant-garde direction with their prank. They not only hired a professional mariachi band to loudly and hilariously set the score for the school day, but also set a live turkey

waiian luau. Last year, seniors enjoyed swimming in the pool they installed in the courtyard, along with raging in the library-turnednightclub that featured DJs and strobe lights, but of course, no girls. By all accounts the boys looked passed their club’s minor deficiency, and all things considered set a high bar for this years prank to match. “I thought this year’s prank was as good as any of them,” Mr.

for memorable senior prank. “It has become a part of the celebration of ending your school experience at Collegiate,” Mr. Rubin said of the tradition, “even the little guys now look forward to it.” “The boys are able to share their great sense of humor with the whole school,” said Mrs. Dixon, who certainly did not see the clay surprise the seniors put in the art display cases in the hallway near the old building this


Scenes of havoc from around the school on the night of carrying out the prank, as well as the results. Highlights include Mags history under the shadow of Paul Cream, Mutz's belated appreciation, and Super Smash Bros projected in Room 15.

ish” because they were usually fun and humorous for just a small minority of students, and often came at the expense of others. Among those pranks in the past is the infamous "mouse prank" of 2004, in which a couple of seniors thought it would be hilarious to put a live mouse in every single faculty mailbox, trapping them overnight. Astonishingly, some faculty members

[about senior pranks] is really in poor taste,” Senior Mathew Ullman said, “nothing is malicious, and they are just fun for all.” “I think [the pranks] are much better now,” Dr. Maglione said, “students are not as rebellious as they used to be, they just want to have fun.” Senior classes have definitely had fun with their pranks since the Class of 2007 paved the way for them. In 2009, the senior class

Since 2007, the senior prank has adopted a funnier, lighter tone. free to roam the courtyard and the lobby in what was one of the more creative senior prank days. The following senior class went with a Hawaiian-themed prank by turning the library into the senior center, where they proceeded to host a traditional Ha-

Rubin said, “it was positive all the way through.” The seniors executed a plethora of different pranks this year, including turning the courtyard into a mini-golf course, covering floors of the main hallway with bubble wrap, moving Señora Epstein’s office into one of the elevators, putting senior-designed clay-phalli in the art display cases for the upper school to see, along with many more, all of which made

year, “and to in a way leave a legacy.” “[The senior prank] brings together the whole school,” sophomore Joshua Sopher said, “and everyone from the lowerschoolers up to the seniors themselves enjoy it.” All of these aspects of senior prank are why, despite being around for six years, it has already developed into a tradition and an integral part of the process of leaving Collegiate. ■



The Glory Days From Front Page

and sing, which is very funny,” have preceded it: a presentation Dr. Bresnick said. “Then there by George “Gar” Bason ’72, the are cocktails and finger-foods Head of the Board of Trustees, passed in the alumni gym, and concerning the school’s move. all the classes mingle.” “Among the constituencies At about 9:00 P.M., each inin the school, the alumni are dividual revisiting class ended probably the people who are the the night with its own party. least convinced that [the move] The importance of reunions is a good thing. When they come for alumni is a relatively new back…they want to see the place phenomenon, apparently. they went to school,” English “When I was a student here, teacher Dr. Adam Bresnick said. I don’t think I even knew there One alumnus in particular was a reunion,” Mr. Cohen said. considered the move “the most “It’s something that’s grown in ridiculous idea ever,” English size and significance over the last Department Head Dr. John Beall 15 years or so.” said. “I hope it’s meaningful to “[They were] going back students to see that they’re part to classrooms where they had of a larger community, one that worked as students...School is extends into the past, but also a home for all of you [students] into the future—they may not and for us teachers as well, so the be thinking of it, but today’s changes will be felt,” Language students are tomorrow’s alumni Department Head Sra. Susana and before they know it they’ll be planning their own reunions,” Mr. Cohen said. “My only worry is I won't For teachers, the recognize them if they’ve event is just as meaningful. “It’s always changed, especially if it’s bizarre for me as an been a while.” adult to have a drink with former students, DR. RYLAND CLARKE, to be chatting and on former students holding a glass of returning for reunions wine,” Sra. Epstein said, “but there were lots of hugs, lots of memories.” Epstein said. “It’s great. My only worry is Luckily, “Gar Bason did a I won't recognize them if they've really good job of articulating … changed, especially if it’s been why it was impossible to stay in a while,” History Department this situation, and … why this is Head Dr. Ryland Clarke said. going to be a great thing for the In the end, reunions are educational goals and mission of about Collegiate itself. this school,” Dr. Bresnick said. “People are very thankful “I don’t think that the move to the school, to the teachers will have an effect [on the dy- and mentors at the school,” Dr. namic of future reunions], be- Bresnick said. “People go off to cause I think it’s about people in the best institutional educations the end; the building is second- of tertiary learning, and countary,” Dr. Maglione said. less students come back and say After the presentation, “the that their truly formative experientire reunion sings the farewell ences intellectually were here. song—all the old [alumni] get up It’s really remarkable.” ■

MAY 2013 | 5

Collegiate, Caricatured by JAMES GRAD

cate the touch and spontaneity of ject, and that he emphasizes the “He made an excellent cari- the human hand. These qualities most profound feature. cature of Mr. Cramer, which was are much in evidence in the work Despite this controversy, exceedingly funny,” Harrison He of Fred Harper,” Art teacher Da- students were generally eager to ’16 remarked about artist and vid Jelinek said. have their caricatures drawn. caricaturist Fred Harper’s visit In fact, Mr. Harper’s cari“The first day I think there to Collegiate. catures were the primary reason were about 25 or 30 students in Sponsored by the Schaffzin the Art Department chose to host the Middle School Center, on the program, Mr. Harper spent three him. second day there were about 60, days at Collegiate. Stationed pri“Everybody loves having and on the third day there were marily in the Middle School, he their caricature done, or being nearly 100,” Mr. Jelinek said. drew caricatures of students and able to identify someone else,” “At times there were apteachers, and videos of his draw- Mr. Jelinek explained, who proximately 20 students waiting ings were streamed live to areas helped to organize the visit. to have their caricatures done,” across the school. Mr. Harper “There’s a sense of play and Korologos noted. also taught classes in the Middle humor about caricature, and I The methods by which Mr. School and the 9th Grade. don’t think that that’s in conflict Harper was exposed to students Mr. Harper has worked as with the general purpose of art,” may have boosted Mr. Harper’s a caricaturist and illustrator at he said. popularity. amusement parks Live streams of and has also done his drawings were editorial illustradisplayed in the tions for The New theater and Lower York Times, The School Center, and Wall Street JourMr. Green remarked nal, and The Week, that the experience among other magawas “well publicized zines. He currently by Mr. Jelinek.” works from home. However, Ms. Students and teachCrowley suggested ers alike enjoyed the that Mr. Harper privilege of hosting should have been Mr. Harper. “It was made “equally acreally interesting to cessible to the Lowsee an actual artist Two examples of Harper's caricatures: one of Paige Sweet, and one of himself. er School and Upper rather than just the School.” art pieces themselves,” William However, the potential for a Along with drawing cariCorman ’16 said. caricature to be insulting as a re- catures of students, Mr. Harper As explained by He, Mr. sult of extreme distortion caused shared his expertise by teaching Harper’s caricatures generally controversy. several art classes. resonated with the community. “I didn’t really like mine “He actually went around “He captured something that as much, and I know other kids and offered criticism of the carirevealed the essence of the per- didn’t like theirs because some catures that we tried to draw,” son he was drawing,” Director facial features were really blown added Harrison. of the Fisher-Landau Program up,” Andrew Lewis ’17 said. On a larger scale, several Sarah Crowley said of the cariMr. Green disagreed, saying members of the community notcatures. that the caricatures were “kind ed the practical importance of Mr. Harper’s skill also as- and gentle.” hosting a professional artist. tounded members of the commuMs. Crowley added: “I think “Bringing in professional nity. “I’m always amazed at peo- that anybody who goes to get a artists gives you a new perspecple who can create these types of caricature recognizes that it is tive and new ideas about art, so images. I felt like his caricatures a distortion…. I didn’t feel that you don’t just have one perspecwere really well done,” 7th Grade they were harsh.” tive from a single teacher the Dean Peter Green explained. Explaining his drawing style, whole year. And to have an actu“While caricature can be Mr. Harper wrote in an email that al artist who does art professionachieved through computer pro- he recognizes and focuses on the ally is really a great experience,” grams, technology cannot repli- obvious when looking at his sub- Corman remarked. ■

Asian Cultural Society Looks Back on Year’s Successes by ACS LEADERSHIP

Led by senior heads Isao Anzai, James Pan and Daniel Weng, the Asian Cultural Society (ACS) held its fourth annual conference on May 6th, featuring prominent speakers who discussed their career paths in professions in which Asian Americans are underrepresented. Over eighty students from around the city gathered in the Bronfman Theater to hear worldrenowned pop star Alex York ’03 talk about his rise to fame and success in the Japanese media industry. Mr. York told of his early passion for the Japanese language and culture and how through his later studies at Yale University, he began a career as a pop sen-

sation. Called the Justin Bieber of Japan, Mr. York has made the top ten charts on iTunes and has dominated the number one and two spots on Amazon Japan. After Mr. York’s opening talk, the audience divided into two groups. One went to York’s seminar, while the other attended Alan Chin’s photography presentation. Mr. Chin, who also attended Collegiate, is a two-time Pulitzer Prize nominee who has worked as a photojournalist for The New York Times and Newsweek. He specializes in capturing the powerful imagery of conflict and has been praised for his evocative work during the Tiananmen Square Protests, the Bosnian Civil War, and the Iraq War.

Mr. Chin closed his presentation with shocking images from Hurricane Sandy. These photos hit home for many attendees. The conference ended with an Asian lunch served by Wonton Garden, a restaurant owned by the uncle of former Collegiate student Ken Li ’12. Those attending were able to network with the two speakers and ask any remaining questions.

Giving an Interschool perspective, socialite Sybil Lui (Brearley ’13) noted that “York was particularly absorbing.” The ACS is a non-exclusive club that strives to raise awareness about Asian culture and current events in Asian countries worldwide. This year’s conference is ACS’s largest event and is held every spring. The opportunity to speak to progressive

Alex York (né Ruben ’03). Collegiate grad and J-pop star; Alan Chin, documentary photographer.

young teens from both public and private schools has consistently attracted distinguished speakers. While the annual conference is the highlight of the club’s year, the ACS regularly runs events such as movie nights, showing such films as Ip Man with followup discussions, Korean barbeque night, game nights, and dumpling sales. Unlike Student Government, which prides itself on its highly publicized breakfasts, the ACS holds annual special lunches commemorating Lunar New Year. As the ACS continues to raise Asian awareness, we club heads would like to wish the recently elected club leaders — Ben Zou, Jason Wang, and Kang Lee — the best of luck for next year. ■


6 | MAY 2013


A Farewell to Michael Rubin, Man of Many Titles by ANDREW O'DONOHUE

In just a few days’ time, Dean of Students Michael Rubin will depart from Collegiate with the same class he taught in kindergarten when he arrived thirteen years ago. “Mr. Rubin is just a legend, a living legend,” Spyro Jacobson ’14 said. “I feel that even though he wasn’t a student at Collegiate, he’s been here so long that he really understands the culture of the students and has gotten to know all of us.” “The fact that he’s taught us since Lower School frames him in a different way than teachers we meet in High School,” Andrew Trousdale ’14 added. “There’s a sense of familiarity you have with him that you can only get from knowing someone from six years old up though High School.” For many students who have taken his classes from kindergarten to senior year, Mr. Rubin will

be remembered primarily as a beloved art teacher. “I think his soul here will always be as a really, really great Head of the Art Department,” Will Laird ’13 said. Mr. Rubin has certainly left his mark on the department, creating programs in digital photography and architecture. He turned the photography program from a four-person afterschool class into one of the most popular fine arts electives, and extended photography to the sixth, seventh, and eighth grades. With his training in architecture, Mr. Rubin also pioneered electives in that subject. “As a working artist himself, Mr. Rubin brings to the classroom the perspective of someone who’s actually practicing art,” Laird said. But much of Mr. Rubin’s work also occurs in the two to three independent studies he teaches each semester or even in


Mr. Rubin with the Class of 2013 in their Kindergarten year, his first at Collegiate.

students’ free time. “Mr. Rubin helped me out with a Claymation project I was really interested in, even though it had nothing to do with his Drawing class. I just worked with him outside of class; I didn’t even need to sign up for an Independent,” El Hadj Dieng ’14 recalled. The same passion and artistic perspective characterizes all Mr. Rubin’s work at Collegiate. “Mr. Rubin has brought his artist's eye to his role as Dean of Students. When he looks at a student, he sees and understands something in that student that isn’t always evident to others,” Head of the Upper School Laura Hansen said. As a result, Mr. Rubin is known as a mentor to his advisees and the whole student body. “He genuinely cares about his advisees and makes a point of touching base with every single one of them every single week,” Trousdale said. “And I’m always impressed that when I go into his office he’ll be acting as a surrogate advisor for several other kids outside his advisory.” Mr. Rubin will also be missed for his approachability as Dean. “It breaks my heart to see him go. I’ve been in his office more times than I can even count on hands, toes — body parts period. We’ve gotten a close relationship together, and he’s been a mentor to me,” Jacobson said. “He’s a daily presence, checking in on me when we pass in the halls. But whenever I have a problem, I know I can just barge into his office and say, ‘I’m in trouble. Let’s hash it out quickly before my parents have to find

Mr. Rubin instructs Ross Layton ’12 in an Architecture class.

out.’ Still, he’s always able to make it a positive experience so next time I won’t end up in his office,” Jacobson added. Indeed, another hallmark of Mr. Rubin’s presence as Dean is his humor. “Many of my students I address as ‘delinquents’ or ‘knuckleheads,’” Mr. Rubin said. “It’s part of the ironic humor I’ve used for a long time: obviously, the vast majority of our students don’t fall into either category. In a funny way, it’s meant as a term of affirmation and affection.” A beloved teacher, advisor, dean, and colleague, Mr. Rubin will be sorely missed at Collegiate, but our loss is certainly the art world’s gain. “‘Retirement’ is an odd word: I will be leaving teaching, but I’ll be going back to painting full time,” Mr. Rubin said. “For me, teaching and being an artist have been two parallel, professional lives. For years at Collegiate I would wake at four


o’clock in the morning and paint for two hours before school. But now I’ll be able to devote more time and direct more energy to painting,” he continued. Mr. Rubin will look to pursue his painting and have them accepted into institutions that will care for them. Currently, he has paintings in the care of the Guggenheim, the University of Kentucky, and Washington University. In many ways, Collegiate has been lucky to have Mr. Rubin for so long. “I’ve usually taught for four or five years at one school, then painted full time for a couple of years, then gone back to teaching,” Mr. Rubin said. “I’ve stayed at Collegiate much longer than any other school: instead of four or five years, I’ve stayed thirteen,” he said. “People ask why, and I always say it’s because of the students, because of the emotional reward of working with the students here.” ■

A Farewell to Anne Lynagh, Committed Educator by JONNY ADLER

Did you know that on May 14, 1991, the restaurant chain Taco Tico created the world’s largest burrito to date, which weighed in at an appalling 1,126 pounds? If your answer was no, here’s a piece of advice: spend more time with Ms. Lynagh. Aside from providing young Dutchmen with countless pieces of trivia like the one above, math teacher Anne Lynagh has been an integral part of the Middle and Lower School faculties since she arrived at the school in 1989. She will be retiring at the end of this academic year. Ms. Lynagh’s Collegiate career began somewhat unconventionally because, though she had worked at several teaching jobs before, her first role at the school was as a parent, not as a faculty member. “We were looking for a school for our oldest son...and we loved Collegiate,” said Ms. Lynagh. “When [Ms. Lynagh’s son] was in third grade, one of his teachers wanted parents to come to school to do something, so I

came and I did math games with the kids.” These math games soon were a regular event, and Ms. Lynagh became more and more involved with the school, especially in leading tours of the building. Before long, she was hired full time to work in the Lower School and, several years later, in the Middle School, where she has remained. When asked why she chose

to teach math, Ms. Lynagh responded that, first and foremost, it simply appealed to her. She continued, “It seemed to make sense, and it seemed like there were a lot of ways you could teach it in the early grades that helped young people to understand it before they got into algebra.” Making the transition between divisions as smooth as possible has also been one of Ms.

Lynagh’s biggest priorities. “The first few weeks of school are always sort of curious for everybody,” said Ms. Lynagh. “At the beginning you have to give them so much instruction, but as time goes on they can just pick it up, and they are no longer Lower School boys; they become Middle School boys.” Middle School Head Andrew Holmgren praised Ms. Lynagh

Through the years, Ms. Lynagh has been a constant in the early growth of Collegiate students' math acumen.


for this aspect of her work. “I think the big thing with Ms. Lynagh is that she makes that transition from fourth to fifth grade a lot less scary … because of her nature, because of the kindness that she exudes,” said Mr. Holmgren. “I don’t think there’s anybody who cares more about fifth graders than Ms. Lynagh.” “You know what, she’s a lot of fun,” said history teacher Ray Chambers of Ms. Lynagh. “I will miss her, but I think she’s ready and deserves [her retirement].” As for what is next for her, Ms. Lynagh says she hopes to spend more time enjoying the city and traveling with her family. Her first travel destination: Albania, where her oldest son works for the State Department. When asked what part of her job she enjoyed the most, Ms. Lynagh answered without hesitation: “coming here every day and just being here.” “I love the whole thing,” said Ms. Lynagh. “I’m still thrilled about things that go on here or the funny things that kids do...I just love being here.” ■



MAY 2013 | 7

A Farewell to Maggie Dixon, Legendary Librarian by JOHN LU

After more than three decades of service to our school’s library, Head Librarian Margaret Dixon will officially retire in June. In the years to come, she hopes to devote herself to libraries less fortunate than our school’s, ranging from libraries in the public schools of Lower Manhattan to those in povertystricken Guatemala. Meanwhile, students and faculty alike will remember Ms. Dixon for her love of jokes, her vast knowledge of books, and her selfless devotion to the community. Although any faculty member’s departure would certainly have affected scores of students and teachers, very few are as well-known to the entire community as Ms. Dixon. “She’s been there through many boys’ entire careers at Collegiate,” Ms. Bach noted. “She’s seen boys go up through Collegiate and seen them change and was able to work with them in all capacities.” “She’s always been someone you can go to if you have questions or need help,” Coleman Snyder ’16 attested.

History teacher David Fisher is one of many teachers who has benefited greatly from the help of Ms. Dixon: “She has added immeasurably to the courses that I’ve taught,” Mr. Fisher recount-

computers when, in fact, they’re playing computer games in the library. He added that her comic exchanges with the students were something he would miss without her presence in the library. In effect, she has become a living icon of Collegiate’s values for all three divisions of the school. When he has taught students the word for When teaching in past years, students the French “library” French teacher Daniel Chisholm always asks word for "library," the question Mr. Chisholm only students “Where is Ms. Dixon?” has to ask, "Where because “they’ll know right away that she’s in is Ms. Dixon?" the library.” For Mr. Chisholm, the fact that students “I think she’s a can instantly answer that quesreally good influence tion correctly speaks volumes THE COLLEGIATE ARCHIVES for the younger kids about Ms. Dixon’s role at ColleThen and now: Ms. Dixon has patrolled the grounds of the Library since she arrived in 1981. in Lower School when giate: “She’s a person that’s very they’re starting out read- central to the school: reading; ed. “Whenever I have a research sure that she got it right. She ing because I remember that I books; the library; Ms. Dixon; assignment, for example, she didn’t want you to take too long hated reading, and she helped they all just go together.” brings out rich materials.” change that by reading to us,” “I would say, of all my colto get it.” Moreover, Ms. Dixon would “That’s one of the great Bradley continued. “I have re- leagues, she is certainly on the go out of her way to make the things about Ms. Dixon: she’ll ally fond memories of that.” very short list of most admired Iyer noted that she is equally people,” Mr. Fisher declared. “I research process easier and more help you out and then she’ll also efficient for both students and give you advice on how to find patient with Upper School stu- would nominate her for saintteachers. it yourself later, so you’re not dents who pretend to work on hood, if we had saints here.” ■ “She has this real capacity to nurture people,” History Department Head Dr. Ryland Clarke explained. “If you asked her for something, she would always track it down, and she’d make

coming back repeatedly,” Gokul Iyer ’14 agreed. “I found that very helpful.” Ms. Dixon has also become a role model for students in all three divisions of the school. “She’s the most patient person that I’ve ever met,” Daniel Bradley ’14 said.

Alison Bechdel Talks and Teaches Dr. Jonathan Cohen ’73: by AUSTEN RATTRAY

On April 25, Alison Bechdel, a critically acclaimed graphic memoirist, came to Collegiate to discuss her process of writing and designing her two critically acclaimed memoirs Are You My Mother? and Fun Home. Ms. Bechdel gave students an overview of how she came to develop her idiosyncratic style and went on to explain how she goes about coming up with ideas for her writing. She was the second Adams lecturer of the year. After the formal lecture, Ms. Bechdel met with students in the library for a seminar expanding on the connection between images and text in her works. Ms. Bechdel’s comic Fun Home is one of the books read in Ms. Corbin and Ms. Chandhok’s

Literature and Society course. Students enjoyed Ms. Bechdel’s distinctive approach to writing and appreciated the themes of her work and the subtle development of her relationships within the story. Although there was one student, whose name may or may not be Josh Podolsky, who didn’t quite grasp the essence of her presentation, the rest of the upper school was all ears for the hip author. “I think she expands the idea of literature. A lot of what she talks about are issues that students might be going through,” Scott Lee ’13, a student in Chandhok’s Literature and Society class, said. “Fun Home is a very personal story. I feel like I knew a lot about her already. Meeting with her filled any holes


Ms. Bechdel in the seminar in the computer lab following her talk on April 25th.

I had about the novel.” Eric Sun ’13, another student in Literature and Society, agreed, “It’s very different from most of the [literary genres] we study in high school. Her work has a more personal progression as opposed to a temporal progression.” Ms. Chandhok had a high opinion of the presentation: “She ran a really nice discussion. The boys were ready with a lot of questions. As a teacher of English and writing, it’s really exciting to bring in an artist who explains the process of making art in a really different way.” Ms. Bechdel has met with great literary success. Though she is not considered part of the English canon of writers, the impact of her lecture has influenced students to think beyond the more established authors. “It’s better to have a larger spectrum of literature,” Sun said. “Many of the students get so caught up in one specific type that they don’t try and explore new types. They find other literature inferior, which is detrimental.” “Ms. Bechdel quoted someone that said graphic novelists are mediocre writers and mediocre artists. But she made the distinction that they put the two forms together. People that like to draw and like to write should feel more encouraged that Alison Bechdel has had so much success in her endeavors,” Lee concluded. ■

Morality and the Brain by ISAAC TRONCOSO

For the May 3rd Spring Convocation, Dr. Jonathan D. Cohen ’73, a professor of psychology at Princeton University and the founder of the Princeton Neuroscience Institute, spoke about his research on the inconsistency of human b e h a v i o r. He asserted that instead of the brain consisting of a decisive single mind, it is instead a group of contradictory, arguing elements. Students received the unusual topic well, citing specifically Dr. Cohen’s ability to explain clearly such an intricate field of science. Most felt that Dr. Cohen’s oratorical skill surpassed that of past speakers, making him one of the most popular alumni speakers to come to Collegiate in recent years. “He was quite excellent. He displayed a kind of passion in his work and a deep intelligence which I hadn’t seen in many of the other speakers,” said Alex Rietveld ’15. To illustrate his theory, Dr. Cohen gave an example of a fight between the logical and emotional elements of the brain. The professor described a train speed-

ing along the tracks which would kill five workers. If, however, a member of the audience pulled a switch and turned the tracks, the train would kill only one worker. In this scenario, nearly everyone indicated they would definitely pull the switch. However, the next scenario Dr. Cohen posed was more controversial. Altering the situation, he gave the audience the choice to push one man off a bridge to prevent the deaths of five others. Although the scenario still contrasted the death of one person against the deaths of five people, most students and faculty had difficulty deciding their answer to the second situation. The discrepancies between the logical and emotional parts of the brain became evident as students and faculty could not decide whether or not to actively push the man off the bridge. “I felt very uncomfortable, I was one of the people who said that I wouldn’t be able to push a man off a bridge to save five even though it was the most logical thing to do,” said Spanish teacher Sergio Carranza. Students found the question to be intellectually challenging, and one of the best parts of Dr. Cohen’s speech. Noted Rietveld, “It involved the audience in a deep way where we were now able to relate his speech to our own personal feelings.” ■

8 | MAY 2013



A Day in the Life

Welcome! Elias has no idea this is happening — in fact, he thinks the May DitL is of Adil Khan. But we couldn't pass up a chance to relive a day in the life of our very own Weirdo-in-Chief. Thanks for the great year, Eli. <3 —J&B


Elias Bresnick

Special GOODBYE edition

3:20 AM Dad runs into my room and shakes me awake. Sweating profusely, he exclaims, “Hallo! Elias! I have to show you an absolutely fantastic place where we must eat when we’re in Tokyo this summer. They do this most excellent thing with this kind of aioli — it’s — you have to see it — it’s really just fantastic what they’re able to…” I fall back asleep.

7:30 AM

7:39 AM I check the weather as I prepare to get dressed for school: 61, going up to 70, and sunny. As I begin to clothe myself, I notice that the shirt I wore three days ago hasn’t yet lost its wrinkle — perfect. I slip into my baby blue V-neck sweater, making sure that the right collar (which is unbuttoned, of course) of my shirt is tastefully sticking out from under the sweater, before finally donning my trusty dirt-brown Volcom winter jacket.

10:33 AM After a rousing 20-minute debriefing of the previous night’s Anna Karenina reading in Marriage Plot, dear old father tries to pull a fast one when he asks me to leave class and sit in the car until the parking spot becomes legal. How could he ask me, the Alpha Brez, to carry out such a mindless task when I could be sharing my luminosity with the plebes who populate our class? If he thinks I’m gonna leave Tolstoy behind to do his bidding and go sit in that boiling car … well he'd better think again.

1:02 PM We had a Journal meeting scheduled for 1, but I decided to take on Ullman in chess in the senior center instead. Jake will do all the work anyway. He’s so capable, and motivated, and nimble, and smells good; and I do nothing, and smell bad. Alas, c’est la vie.

Sam wakes me up by tickling the bottoms of my feet with the scruff of his lush neckbeard, as is customary when he’s home from Brown. At least this wake-up one is more pleasant than my father’s earlier mayonnaise discovery. Don’t they know I was up until 2:45 last night putting off my Journal responsibilities while perusing the World Wide Web’s hippest, best-curated site:

8:15 AM

Every morning I must have two very important things in order to start the day right: food and the sensation of touching a human ear. I know the cafeteria is just the place where I can find my sustenance of both kinds. After sliding my plain bagel into the toaster, I turn and see good ol’ Gokul in all his aural glory. I can’t help but glom onto his left ear while I await the toasted return of my breakfast.

10:38 AM It’s really hot in here. Dad refused to let me use the A/C, claiming that it would drain the car battery. I find it truly appaling that he, Collegiate’s most prolific window-opener, would not allow me to roll down the windows in the family station wagon. Not only is dad’s choice of parking spot decidedly illegal, it is also conveniently located directly under the sweltering morning sun. In a strange twist of fate, our reliable grey Volvo has become a prison.

3:33 PM

5:50 PM Dear reader, I have a confession to make: I lost to Ullman in chess today. Shameful, I know. My only option for redemption is to thoroughly humiliate him by placing his head in the iron grip that is my trademark Elias Bresnick Headlock. I get to work immediately, dropping to my bedroom floor and cranking out as many sets of pushups as is humanly possible. In the immortal words of L.T.: Vengeance is mine; I will repay.

Eschewing my track obligations, I head over to the Metropolitan Museum of Art for my twentyninth official visit. I whip out the most prized Bresnick family heirloom: a pocket-sized edition of the Collected Poems of William Wordsworth. I read a few poems to psych myself up, and then walk over to a collection of Thomas Cole paintings to revel in the Romantic glory. I place my nose exactly two inches from the paintings to maximize perceptiveness and truly become one with the painting. At this point, I’ve seen all the exhibits so many times that I need to adapt my artviewing process to keep up with all the information I’ve accrued.

10:45 PM

After bidding my buddies a heartfelt “g2g ttyl,” I turn in early in preparation for the clash of the titans that tomorrow promises to bring. After I turn off The Kooks song I'm blasting, I hear my father giving Dalia a bedtime reading of Montaigne’s “On Physiognomy,” and become overwhelmed with jealousy. My envy unyielding, I take up my special collection of short stories by Edgar Allan Poe and brood as any good aesthete should. I wait for Dad to walk past and notice my literary acumen; instead, he doesn’t even spare a glance in my direction. I dreamt of ravens and Journal deadlines that night. These are dark days, my friends, dark days indeed.



MAY 2013 | 9



3/21 - 4/19 During your first College meeting, Mr. Bhanji will shows you his dreaded graphs. You grin in disbelief, look up to make sure he's not kidding, and drop out of school to become a bean farmer.



4/20 - 5/20 You won't be able to stop muttering, "I am the sexy girl" in the library. Ms. Dixon clearly notices, but doesn't know what to say.

12/22 - 1/19 You and Matt Shedden will be stopped by police while crossing the park at 2 am. When he tells them his name, they nod, turn around, and walk away quietly.

8/23 - 9/22 You'll see Dr. Keller walk in two minutes late to a faculty meeting, and hear Ms. Heard ask him if he has a note.



5/21 - 6/20 On coming back to school next year, you'll be dismayed to find that after a record 150 students try out for track Coach Calano has decided to cancel all other sports teams.


9/23 - 10/22 You’ll be taken aback when Eric Sun interrupts Commencement rehearsal, but things get weirder when Dr. Levison lets out, in an impeccable Sric voice, “Ummm NO!” Eric is stunned into silence.

1/20 - 2/18 Next year's seniors will be disappointed that they don't feel as old or smart as they thought they would by senior year.




10/23 - 11/21 You'll steal George Mellgard's favorite polo shirt from the lost and found. When he confronts you about it, you'll point out he has seven of the same brightly colored shirts. He skulks off in silence.

6/21 - 7/22 Blackbelt Ronald Joseph will challenge you to a sparring duel. Just before bows are exchanged, Brandon will come to defend you. Blackbelts are no match for Blackburns...

S e pa r at e d


11/22 - 12/21 You'll rat on Mutzman for trying to take home one of the trophies left on his desk after the senior prank. As punishment, he is made head coach of the lacrosse team.

7/23 - 8/22 You'll pass out from heat stroke after wearing a sweater to your Maglione final in a misguided attempt to improve your grade.


saving the world with Lavagirl



Noah Agarwal

scouring the world for his Lavagirl


2/19 - 3/20 You'll wake up to find that these last twelve years didn't exist and were merely an afternoon dream, during nap time, on your second day at Kindergarten.


Jim Carrey (Steve Gray) mysterious magician

Fred Harper

curious cartoonist (see Page 5)


10 | MAY 2013


Wuts gucci, lil mamas? Word on the street is that this is the final volume of Keith's Khronicles before all y'all nappy boys gotta watch me crank dat diploma at commencement (and you already KNOW ya boi is gonna be OD swaggy...real talk, im finna be draped in the finest threads this side of Huangstaa's closet). So seeing how this is goodbye and all King Keith's gotta do it big. I've been sprinklin' that monthly sauce on all you yung bloods hoping that y'all will learn from my each of my experiences. I've been servin up that monthly bread and butter in hopes that one day they will call YOU Big Poppa. I've been whippin up that monthly eucharist so that you too can taste divinity. But im gonna switch it up a lil this month, seeing as this is the grand finale and all. King Keith has decided to use his last column to get a few things off his hairless chest before he's outie. Much like George Washington, this is the Nappy Dreadlock’s Farewell Address: 1. First off, who told Microsoft that it was a good idea to make Calibri size 11 the default font for Microsoft Word. Like people just suddenly stopped using Times New Roman for literally EVERYTHING. Actually doe, whose mans? When you catch Ya boi runnin up in ya computer lab tryna whip up a quick doc, I best not be having to switch my font. Aint nobody got time fo' dat. I want the entire technology department on the case to make every computer have default Times New Roman size 12 font, and end the struggle once and for all. No one should have to deal with this ever again. 2. Vine. Let's talk about Vine. I know you youngins are ready to hop on this new tip like the hype beasts you are, but let me make sumthin’ clear first. Vine is not facebook. Vine is not twitter. Vine is not instagram. Which means all you social media spammers dat like to post any and everything that just so happens to occur in your daily lives need to hop off. Now I’m no hater. As many of you know, sha boi himself occasionally drops a lil Vine classic now and then

(see: Mr. Softee), but it frustrates me to no end to filter through my Vine feed and see post after post of “omg r u vining this?” and “omg VIIIIINNEEEE”. No. Stop it, shawty. Vine allows for more creativity and imagination than any other social media outlet. It should not be wasted on showing you’re friends that you ate at pink berry today. Use it for comedy, use it for creativity, use it for RACHETNESS. It is now your duty to keep Vine pure…cuz lord knows Spence can’t… 3. Finally, on the topic of Collegiate’s future move. Ima keep it real, it pains me to think that I’m a member of one of the last classes to graduate from the Collegiate we know and love today. I mean I ain't finna cry right now or nuthin, the Don don't play none of that tear jerkin business. But I dont think I need to stress that is YOUR duty, my beloved readers, to make these final years in this historical building some of the most memorable. Forreal yo, y’all gotta cherish these final moments in what for alot of you is a symbol of your entire childhood. The King will be gone, but I trust that all my goons will keep the collegiate spirit alive and well at the end of this chapter of Collegiate history. And to the rising freshmen, who will be the first senior class in the new building, King Keith blesses each and every one of you on your quest to lead the Collegiate spirit to 61st and Riverside. It is you yung bloods who will anchor the carrying of the torch, and prove that our building has never been what defined us. With that shawties, I bid you all adieu. The Don’s gotta move on to bigger and better things now. But I trust that all of you, my sons, will make Sha Boi here proud. Long.Live.King Keith Long.Live.Collegiate



There’s sometimes that feeling. That feeling when you feel like you’re at the start, at the first floor, at the beginning. It’s a feeling of knowing that this is your base level and you can only go higher from this moment on. It’s a great feeling, really. I mean think about it – you could screw up, but you’ll never sink below this level. The only way you can go deeper than this is if you dig yourself into a hole. And that’s not what it’s about. The other day, I was looking at myself in the mirror. Well, actually, I look at myself in the mirror everyday, soooo... yeah, whatever. Anyways, I was looking at myself and came to a realization. All this time, I have been unsatisfied with my bod, thinking I was weak, fat, and not sexy, but then it occurred to me. Wow, I am one sexy bro. A few things led me to this ultimate conclusion. First, was the realization of the feedback I had received from my massages. I always thought people said stuff just to make me happy and try to get me to like them; but wait, what if these things they had been saying all along were actually true? “You are sooo good at this,” or “Woww, you’re sooo strong,” or “Woww, where did you learn this?” or maybe even “What are you doing this Saturday?” Like jokes, these compliments must all have had some sort of truth behind them. The truth that I was mad sexy. Second, was when I was at home one day. I was bothering my dad and poking him and overall just being super childish. At one point my dad got pissed and was like: “come at me,” and challenged me to wrestling. See, the thing is, all Turkish dads think they’re super good at wrestling, when really they’ve only watched it or done it once or something. I was like: “fine, let’s go.” My dad was cautious, but I was quite aggressive, I got him onto the ground and half-nelson’d him, putting

him in a pin. It took me less than a minute to defeat the “veteran” of the arena. That meant I was sexy too, obviously. Last, was when I was at Steinway with some friends. The lounge was full, but no one was dancing. So I started dancing. Two girls thought I worked there and came up to me (people always think I work at the venues I visit, though, I haven’t an idea why). They asked me: “do you play reggae?” I was like: “Naww, I don’t work here, but I’ll totally request it for you.” I went to DJ Amira and I said: “bro, hit me up with some dancehall.” SeanDaPaul came on. I danced with them, but obviously I didn't do the classic aggressive strategy (which never works by the way, dumbbutts). Instead, I didn’t even attempt to touch them, but rather, danced with them casually, on a friendlier level. Some dude tried the aggressive strategy and was turned down instantly. Lol, classic. After dancing a while and gaining their trust I sat back down. When they were paying their bill, I went up to them and asked for one’s number, and successfully got it. I smiled. Okay, obviously at this point, it’s a given that I’m super sexy. The great thing is, like I said, this is only the beginning. This is my level one. A new chapter in my life is beginning and I’m totally going to improve in every way that I can. Adieu, and like The Home Depot, always keep improving.



Wait, so I can say whatever I want here?

MAY 2013 | 11

50 Shades of Crames with DANNY CRAMER


Senior Year

I always knew that my friends and classmates were some of the best people I would ever meet in my life. I don't know when it was that I figured out that these were the connections I would most appreciate and value in my life, but I really realized how special my classmates were during my senior year at Collegiate. The college process was a huge learning experience for all of us. There were the nosy, the respectful, and some who were too worried about themselves to care about anyone else. But more than anything I saw how supportive my classmates and friends were. After an acceptance everyone was happy for their peer, and after a deferral or a rejection the entire grade felt it. It made us stronger as a grade. Everyone got closer to one another. Making plans to go to the same school and be the coolest freshmen on campus. If they weren't going to the same school students spoke of visiting one another regularly. After being admitted to the same school, students that weren't the best of friends before became closer. At Collegiate it's never too late to make another best friend. Senior year is also just a much happier time. After the initial stress at the beginning, most of the conversations start with "Do you remember when___________?" or "How sick it would be next year if we ____________?" Senior year is all about remembering old memories and making new ones. Another thing that I can say about how happy I've been during my senior year at Collegiate is that my grade, the Class of 2013, is the funniest group of people I've

ever met, and quite possibly the best class attending Collegiate. Every day I feel like I'm laughing harder than I did the day before. My grade is so well rounded. It's easy to get along with everyone. We all enjoy each other's company. Maybe the company of our peers is more revered this year because in the back our minds we all know we don't have that much time together.

One of the best things I've ever heard about the friendships we build at school was during an episode of Saved By the Bell. Zack Morris says, "I love school. It's just too bad classes get in the way." Although I try my best in my classes and know that I'm at school to learn and grow, a huge part of my day is seeing my friends. When a friend is absent, or I don't see my friends as much as I'd like to during the day I just feel like going to school was unsatisfying. I'm so gracious I was given the opportunity to leave public school in the 7th grade. Had I not left I would probably be working the corner or lying dead in a gutter somewhere. It was one of the biggest life decisions I've made to date to attend Collegiate, and it wasn't long before I realized it was the right one. Thinking about it now I wish I could do it all over again. There are some people I wish I talked to more, some things I wish I did differently. Other than the regrets, although few, I want to do it all over again because I want to spend more time with these guys. I know I'll look back at my time at Collegiate and know that everything panned out the way it was supposed to.

As my time at Collegiate comes to a close, I’ve been doing a lot of reflecting. Though I already wrote a column this year confessing many of my secrets, all that reflecting has led me to believe that I probably ought to finish cleaning out my closet before I peace on out of here. Some of the statements that I am about to make are directed towards people who no longer attend or work at Collegiate – people with whom I have long been out of contact. Therefore I ask you, dear Reader, if you see a name on this list and think to yourself “Hey! Those people are long gone from Collegiate, but I know where they are!” please send a copy of this paper to them so that they can know what’s up. Here goes… Ms. Foley – I’ve always had a huge crush on you, I’m just too scared to say anything when I see you in the halls. (P.S. Please let me graduate.) Ben Robertshaw – When I interviewed you for the Lower School Newsletter and you told me you really only played basketball to stay in shape for baseball season, it kind of broke my heart. It was always pretty chill when you dunked, though. James Grad – I wrote/recorded an album and all the songs are about you. Hit me up at if you want a copy. I really poured my heart into it. Dr. Young –Sorry I cut orchestra like a thousand times. Dr. Feldmann – How are supposed to be best friends if you keep giving me all these Friday studies? Haha. C’mon, dude! Mr. Cushman – It’s both totally absurd and hilariously chill that you let a whole class of 4th graders refer to you as “M.R. Kush” for an entire year. Mr. Rubin – It’s not always easy being your favorite student, but it always makes my day when your name shows up in my Outlook inbox. Elias Bresnick – I actually write all of my columns for The Journal weeks in advance. I hold on to them until the last possible second, though, because stress is good for the soul, and I’m just tryna help you stay spiritually healthy. Mr. Cramer – You’re probably my cousin or something, and that’s really dope because I’ve always wanted a cousin who loves box turtles as much as I do. My cousin Walter is afraid of things with shells. Sam Duffy – I’ll always be your best friend and I won’t let ANYTHING come between us, okay? OKAY?! I mean that, bro. I love you. Really. Class of 2013 – I like you. You’re nice. It was fun going to school with you. I learned a lot of things because I did that. Okay, bye!


12 | MAY 2013


Overwhelmed by Opulence Baz Luhrmann's lavish film fails to capture the depth and brilliance of the classic F. Scott Fitzgerald novel on which it's based. by LUKE CHANG

Boldly and unapologetically innovative, the most recent screen adaption of F. Scott Fitzgerald’s novel attempts to display a tale of excessive wealth and opulence with matching flare and spectacle. The Great Gatsby, directed by Baz Luhrmann, grasps every opportunity to dazzle the audience with coloring of almost unnatural vividness and scenes of parties and Long Island estates that teeter on the brink of the absurd. The bounding energy that laces the clamoring plot is entertaining in itself, and I recognize that some may find the film to be a successful adaption. However, I found that the film does not match the artistry of Fitzgerald’s prose. Though the film may seek to live up to the extremes of Gatsby’s parties and the extravagance of the contemporary culture, this attempt loses the subtle beauty of the novel, the emotional wake left behind by the hilarity that twinkles in the novel and on the screen. Perhaps it is inevitable that adding form to the nebulous myth on which the novel is founded fails to universally satisfy, but the film is so brash and quick with its adaption that it never settles into the lyrical elegy that Fitzgerald penned.

The film begins with Nick Carraway (Tobey Maguire) recounting the origins of his current state of morbidity and alcoholism. His doctor encourages him to write down his memories as a form of rehabilitation. Following this suggestion, Nick begins the flashback that makes up the majority of the plot. Nick, an aspiring bond salesman, rents a house in West Egg alongside the mansion of the mysterious Jay Gatsby (Leonardo DiCaprio). After being invited to a party at the Gatsby mansion, Nick stumbles into a complex web of love and jealousy. Following the plot of the novel closely, the film follows the desperate attempt of Jay Gatsby to regain the love of Daisy (Carey Mulligan) even after she has married Tom Buchanan (Joel Edgerton). Gatsby quickly loses control of the situation in the face of his all-consuming obsession with Daisy, uncovering his true self from the mystery of his wealth. Flowing from lavish parties on Long Island to the bustling streets of New York City, the plot accelerates to its dramatic climax in the inevitable confrontation between characters feverishly driven by power, wealth, and love. The film on the whole is entertaining and energetic, but this energy comes at the expense of the emotional poignancy so latent in the novel. The plot skims rapidly along in an effort to include as much of the action as possible, and perhaps the choice is justified. However, the film includes extraneous moments that could have been replaced by more productive minutes. The fact that Nick becomes the writer of the story in the film not only blatantly clashes with the novel but also is inefficient without much redeeming value. A voiced narration would be more than adequate, even more so at times, rather than have cuts between the narration in the present and the plot in the past to show the progress of Nick’s writing in the film. The film may be attempting to lend greater emphasis to the writing of Fitzgerald by having certain sentences traced on the screen as Nick writes, but this action is more a distraction and a

drawback from the drama of the plot. The parties are extended revelries that lose their life after so many shots of drunken men stumbling about Gatsby’s mansion. This attention to decadence draws away from the more intimate interactions between the characters. The conversations between Gatsby and Daisy are treated as comic relief rather than significantly empty and strained moments. The focus on the more exciting action leads to generally shallow representations of the characters. Gatsby receives the worst part of this inattention. While DiCaprio gives believable form to the controversial figure, the character is never fully developed. His obsession with Daisy is not so much tragic as flawed in the film. While this view may be interpreted from the novel, neither Nick nor any other character fills the emotional void left by this absence. Edgerton performs the role of Tom Buchanan admirably, striding about the scenes in a precarious balance between confidence and a sense of unease. Ultimately, this sense of shortcoming comes more from comparing the film to the novel. This comparison is inevitable, but the film itself is remarkable in its vivid color and pulsing scenes of excessive wealth and pleasure. Even with knowledge of the novel, the film may still be held to be a success by some viewers in its lively adaption. For my part, I found the liveliness of the film detracted from the emotional, tragic core that could have raised the film past simple entertainment to the level of its inspiration as an American classic.


A Tour de Force of Student Talent Spanning across multiple senior projects, Six Degrees of Separation exhibits creative and talented acting, direction, and design. by JOHN BECK

Senior Ben Miller’s senior project, an interpretation of John Guare’s triumphant play, Six Degrees of Separation, was terrific. A testing and provocative play, Six Degrees provides the director with a plethora of colossal challenges to overcome, namely the large cast, intricate set, and constantly changing locations. Miller, however, successfully captivated audiences with his impressive set that included a huge mock Kandinsky canvas that served as the background for the whole play and was designed by Gabe Kleiman ’13 and Carter Lewis ’13 as a joint senior project. Perhaps thrilled by the amazing set behind them, the cast of Six Degrees brought plenty of energy and acting expertise that resulted in a very enjoyable evening. The play follows the narration of Ouisa (Natascha Buschmann, Chapin ’13) and art dealer Flan Kittredge (Jonah Max ’13) as they recount the surprising and unbelievable story of Paul (Keston McMillan ’13), a young, black, con man. Paul, under the guise of being actor Sidney Poitier’s son, convinces rich, white, Upper East Side parents to spend time with him and eventually give him a few dollars in kindness. Paul’s seemingly innocent escapades result in an investigation by the Kittredges that seeks to uncover the truth of the enigma that is Paul. Buschmann, Max and McMillan led the stellar acting in Six Degrees. Buschmann completely embodied the character of Ouisa, to a point where she actually seemed as if she were a Collegiate mother, eager

to share her son’s achievements. Similarly, Max’s performance was spot-on, and gave him a chance to flaunt knowledge of the arts which seemed completely natural for him. Buschmann and Max together perfectly fit the bill for a stereotypical Upper East Side couple, mildly concerned about their children, completely concerned about the names of the schools they attend (two at Harvard, one at Groton). Likewise, McMillan perfectly executed the role of Paul. Keston’s performance was simply fantastic, and exhibited the full spectrum of emotions he is capable of evoking on stage. McMillan became Paul before my very eyes; not only do I no longer trust him, but also I have become wary of his seemingly innocent acts of kindness. A play of this scale cannot be successful without a committed and driven cast, and Ben Miller assembled just that. Danny Cramer, Eric Sun, Quinn Hererra, and Michael Butler — all seniors — all provided enjoyable performances that added depth to the play. Quinn Hererra ’13 had perhaps the most memorable scene, in which

he ran out of the Kittredge’s house with nothing more than his underwear on, prompting several surprised gasps from the many female audience members in attendance. The other parents, played by Isabelle Edmonds (Spence ’13), Aaron Troncoso ’13, and Raphael Wolf ’13 were all wholly convincing, while their discussions amongst their children genuinely seemed like the awkward family discussions we all often have. The children, played by Arianne Shamask (Spence ’16), Reed Simmons ’15, Max Ubiñas ’13, and Haleigh Collins (Spence ’13) all perfectly encompassed bratty young adults, rebellious against every remark from their parents. Adam Hunt ’13 provided a hilarious take on college: his character spent the duration of his time on stage affectionately kissing Collins’ neck and face, providing us with our only glimpse of college life in the play. Abdallah Dudhia-Mahdi ’13 capably played Trent, the young man who, as a result of his desperate love for Paul, shares the identities and lifestyles of the Kittredge’s, among other parents, to Paul. Ben Ubiñas ’16 and Lily Yarborough (Marymount ’13) convincingly provided the only authentic love in the play, as the young couple from Utah. Perhaps the success of the play lay in the actors’ familiarity with their types of characters. As Miller put it, “the concept of portraying wealthy Fifth Avenue parents with kids at Harvard is ironically familiar to many of those involved in the production.” Paul’s powerful exclamation in the beginning of the play (“The imagination is the passport we create to take us into the real world.”) haunts the characters on stage and the audience alike, questioning what in life is genuinely real. Paul’s short, almost mystical, presence in the play leaves both the characters and the audience wanting more answers. Who exactly was Paul? No one, it seems, will ever know.



MAY 2013 | 13

Too Human After All Daft Punk's new album verges on greatness, but never realizes its full potential. The result is a bold commentary on music that frustratingly forgets that it, too, is music. by JACOB SINGER

"In some ways it's like we're running on a highway going the opposite direction to everybody else," Thomas Bangalter, one half of Daft Punk, told The New York Times recently. In talking about the duo he forms with his musical partner and childhood friend, Guy-Manuel de Homem-Christo, Bangalter also described their new album, Random Access Memories: bold and creative, but ultimately self-congratulatory and self-indulgent to a fault. In keeping with Daft Punk's robot-human shtick, the album's title riffs on RAM vs. human memories, but it really tells what the two are trying to do in the album. A full-length version of "Teachers" off their 1997 album Homework, RAM attempts at the same time to pay homage to their predecessors in the electronic music genre and make a commentary on the state of music today. But Bangalter and de Homem-Christo were so caught up in the meta that they forgot one thing: to make the album musical, too. RAM is successful to some extent in conveying their message bemoaning modern music and paying tribute to their forefathers. But it falls short of being profound because it fails to escape the point-making, and the music suffers. This is not to say that the album is insufferable. There are many moments of disco-infused funk where Daft Punk returns to what makes them enjoyable with a little twist added. But too often the twist becomes the center of attention on the tracks. Instead of leaving a message to be deduced from the music, they emphasize their commentary to a point at which

the songs lose entertainment value, and the album — and the message along with it — becomes more frustrating than thought-provoking. RAM gets off to a promising start with "Give Life Back to Music," striking a harmonious balance between the carefree vocoder-ized lyrics and the new guitar- and bass-reliant style the album will strive for. However, the album foreshadows its fall as it continues. "The Game of Love" brakes to an impossibly slow tempo, and its lyrics — seriously, look them up … a taste (this is a 30-second-long stanza): "There is a game of love / There is a game of love / This is a game of love / This is a game of love" — demonstrate the dangers of when carefree becomes banal. "Giorgio by Moroder" shows the album's potential, but also where it falls short. The song meanders through a two-minutelong spoken memoir by disco pioneer Giorgio Moroder before exploding into the funky beats that have made Daft Punk's music so delightful. The album succeeds where it doesn't depart from its roots to make a point. "Instant Crush" is perhaps my favorite track on the album, but that could be because it's essentially an overproduced Strokes song with Julian Casablanca's sublime singing run through a vocoder. The two Pharrell Williams collaborations are the high

point concerning sheer electronic disco-y goodness, and Pharrell's vocals shine. Still, the album manages to fall just short of good because it simply tries too hard. "Within" strips away all production values in pursuing a jazzy sound. "Touch" — yes, the entire eight minute slog — sounds like a bastardized Tony Bennett tribute song. It picks up when the tempo quickens, and I got excited when the strings, piano, and bass come in; however, like the album itself, the song falls victim to its own indulgences. It fully collapses in on itself when the robotbecoming-human narrative becomes so heavy-handed that it’s insufferable. RAM often seems so close to breaking through the clouds of its implications and becoming more than just a social commentary, but never brings together all the components necessary for a great album. There are still many enjoyable parts across the hour-plus of music. Too rarely do those enjoyable parts converge on the same track, and, with a few possible exceptions, no song can conclude unscathed as a start-to-finish experience. The album will grow on you when the initial shock of some moments (like at about the 1:30 mark of my first time through "Giorgio," when I was tapping my fingers and waiting for something — anything — to happen) dulls and the music itself can shine through. It took me several listens to fully appreciate Kendrick Lamar's good kid, m.A.A.d city. But unlike that album, RAM never fully realizes its potential; even three listen-throughs later, I was still left skipping through a majority of the album to listen to my scant favorite bits.


Bringing Life to Misery An engaging Black Box production of The Miser, showcasing underclassmen performances. by ROBERT CRYSTAL

Starring freshman Max Sopher, Molière’s The Miser is a satirical, fast-paced comedy delivered in five acts. Every cast member offers a great balance of comedy, interaction, and misinterpretation regarding love and its complications. Young Sopher stars as the miser Harpagnon, crafting a highly-amusing persona of a seventy yearold man who is only concerned about two things: his money, and finding a young woman whom he may take as his second wife. Extra expenses are not part of the miser’s vocabulary, and Sopher does a wonderful job giving us a perspective concerning the nature of stingy old men with a lot of money to conceal. He also does a great job of making us aware of the miser’s paranoia that his money will surely be stolen by thieves or dogs. As always, John Beck ’14 gives us a wonderful performance as Valere, the miser’s house manager and overseer. Valere constantly regurgitates the miser’s advice and opinions, in the hope of placing himself in his trust. But love is the root of his flattery, as he is in an clandestine relationship with the miser’s daughter. Daniel Bradley ’14 plays the miser’s son, Cleante, who is prepared to ask for the hand of a lady named Mariane, only to find that she is also the object of his father’s affection. The miser reprimands his son constantly for lacking his “economical nature,” and his re-

questing so much money from him, and for lacking filial piety. Josh Podolsky ’13 portrays both the companion and valet of Cleante, and the Police Commissioner, hired when something precious is stolen. Conor Jones ’15 acts in two roles: as a money lender, and also as Count Anselme, a nobleman to whom the miser has already decided to marry his daughter, Elise. As the miser’s cook and coachman, Coleman Snyder ’16 constantly has to deal with the difficulty of being ordered around by Valere. Displaying astounding culinary ambitions, Snyder, as Jacques, is fixated on preparing food, but is unable to come to terms with the fact that the miser does not care about spending any of his money for the wellbeing of his guests. Several guest stars are recruited for the production:

Christina Natos (Spence ’15) plays the miser’s daughter Elise, who is in a secret relationship with John Beck. Alexandra Stovicek (Nightingale ’13) plays Frosine, a matchmaker, whom the miser uses to set himself up with a considerably younger woman, Mariane, played by Emily Orenstein (Brearley ’15), who is already in love with Bradley. Clearly, the romantic relationships are very complex. The production of The Miser took place on a round stage, surrounded by the audience. It featured minimal set pieces, so the focus of the audience remains entirely on the actors. The costumes display a whole range of time periods, stretching from elegant robes to snazzy contemporary blazers. Through a series of twists, turns, orders, and accusations, the numerous characters of the play all eventually confront each other and come to numerous realizations about themselves and each other. A particularly engaging aspect of the play is that the characters are not bound by the conventional barriers of the production in which they act. The Miser is riddled with asides addressed to the audience, and virtually all the characters find a way to speak to or otherwise interact directly with the spectators surrounding them. If you are the type of theater-goer who prefers to simply watch the play without being singled out, the back rows of the audience would perhaps be more comfortable. The play is a wonderful work of comedy, performed by a crew of very talented actors, each with his own stellar performance. The production is very engaging, and the story of a tyrannical miser and his plots to micromanage the lives of his children constitute a wholly enjoyable production.


14 | MAY 2013

Restaurant Review:


Pizza, Pizza, Pizza with RAPHAEL WOLF

We used to have one pizza place. When someone said they were going out to get a slice, it was understood they were going across the street to New Town. Though Europan may have replaced New Town by proximity, it's safe to say that the quality of pizza there simply does not fill the void left by Collegiate's beloved pizzeria, which left us almost exactly two years ago.

But luckily for us, we live in New York. There are at least five pizzerias within five blocks of Collegiate, and I don't think we've given them all a fair chance. So as my final gift to you, my loyal readers, I'll tell you what I think of the pizza around our school. I am rating each pizzeria solely on the quality of its plain cheese slice (which no doubt indicates the quality of everything else). Here they are, from worst to best. *Big Nick's was omitted due to its uncertain future.


Like everything else there, the pizza at Europan is unexceptional. For better or for worse, their slices are remarkably consistent but completely lack character (also like everything else there). If a foreigner were to try Europan's pizza, I wouldn't be proud of it, but at the same time I wouldn't be able to call it bad pizza; it's just not good. Easily the biggest asset of Europan's pizza is its crust. The bread foundation of the pizza is a good thickness and always golden-brown with a perfect crunch. Still, the


2197 Broadway

Pizza by La Grolla $2.75

403 Amsterdam Ave.

Every individual piece of La Grolla's pizza is good. The sauce is seasoned well with thyme and oregano, and it actually tastes like tomatoes. The cheese, though not stringy enough, has a distinct flavor and is the right amount of salty. The 25% whole wheat cornmeal-coated crust is cooked in a very hot oven, so it holds up well and is extremely crunchy (almost more like a cracker than pizza dough). But La Grolla's slice doesn't really taste like pizza. It tastes like cheese on tomato sauce on crunchy bread. Which is what it is. But it doesn't taste like — nor does it give the satisfaction of — a classic New York slice.

Freddie & Pepper's

The pizza at Freddie and Pepper's tastes unexpectedly straightforward and clean (which is not to say healthy or grease-less). It has a good sauce-tocheese ratio. The sauce itself is pretty decent but plain — slightly but not overwhelmingly sweet or herby. The cheese tastes quite good and is salty enough, but needs to be stringier. The crust is crunchy, but like its counterpart at La Grolla, it needs to be more defined and fluffier. The best part of the slice is the end, where the outer crust becomes thicker and fluffier. In all, a slice from Freddie and Pepper's slice is very good, but it could be better.


303 Amsterdam Ave.

T&R Pizza $2.50

411 Amsterdam Ave.

dough is quite bland and sometimes even chalky. The tomato sauce might be the pizza's biggest failure. It lacks seasoning, has an unappealing baby food-like texture, and tastes too much like tomato paste (which is to say, it's too sweet). This may be the reason the sauce-to-cheese ratio is off, in favor of the cheese. The cheese itself is delightfully stringy and chewy, but it is often also bland and in need of salt.

Just a few doors up from where La Grolla was lies perhaps the most underrated (if not overlooked) pizza place near Collegiate: T&R Pizza. Forgive me if this pizzeria is already well established in your circle, but I have never seen students talking about or eating the pizza from there. And that's really a shame, because I think it's the best pizzeria in the neighborhood. Quite La Grolla's opposite, the individual components of T&R's pizza are not perfect, but they come together to form an extremely good, always satisfying slice. Due to some combination of their oven not working hot enough and their dough having too much moisture, the bread part of the pizza is usually pretty chewy. I personally like this quality of the pizza, but the chewiness fluctuates daily and sometimes it can be a little too chewy. Additionally, for the same reasons, the bread can sometimes taste doughy. But I always love the thickness and fluffiness of the bread. Perhaps the secret of T&R's success is the harmony between the tomato sauce and the cheese. Though, like Europan's, T&R's tomato sauce

can taste a bit too much like tomato paste, it is more acidic and thus offsets the saltiness of the cheese. Despite a few inconsistencies, the first bite of T&R's cheese slice is undoubtedly more satisfying than any other in the neighborhood.



MAY 2013 | 15

After Disappointing End, Baseball Searches for Answers

the season the at times contentious relationship between the coaches and players impacted the team’s performance. “Getting accustomed to the new coaches took a while, and I’m not even sure we ended the season comfortable

with them,” said sophomore Cole Chang. “But they both won us games and lost us games, so it’s hard to say.” “They pushed us to be our best, but it seemed like in-game we had trouble putting it together,” agreed a Junior. “It's the job of the coaches to make sure the team brings the energy from practice onto the field when it counts.” “We should've been in the top 3 seeds in NYSAIS, and to not even make it is sad,” added Dean Marriott ’14. “I do think the coaches affected that.” Coach Valera explained that the slow development of an understanding between players and coaches may have hindered the team’s potential. “It's important that everyone knows their places and that coaches and students be open to change,” he said. “Players should play and coaches should coach.” The relationship was not always contentious. Assistant Coach Dwight Davidson said that he felt the relationship was

positive overall, and other players backed that sentiment. In any case, no single problem created the shortcomings of the season. As Marriott put it, “This year was our year. Especially with all of the seniors leaving — to not even make it to the playoffs is pathetic and deeply disappointing.” The future success of the team is uncertain. As Marriott pointed out, with the graduation of the five Seniors — all on the varsity squad since their sophomore year — the team loses a significant and productive group. The situation is reminiscent of the turnover after the 2010 season, when the team lost seven major contributors and went from a NYSAIS championship to a 6-8 showing. But with many Juniors and young talent, there is still significant potential. “I think we'll have a good season next year, even though we're losing a lot of talent,” assured McGowan. “The rising seniors and juniors will


have to accept a far greater load this coming year,” concluded Giglio. “To mirror the success of the other athletic programs, the baseball team needs to understand that this sport requires a full-year commitment. “The talent is certainly there, but the players will have to make the decision that the playoffs is where they need to be.” ■


Someone Scratched the #Knickstape

I’m writing this article while watching No Strings Attached, and have eaten half of a delicious bowl of Sarita’s Mac and Cheese. Why, you ask? Because these are a few of my favorite things… But actually. I need these things to keep me from crying. Watching J.R. Smith against the Pacers is like playing peek-a-boo with your mom as

a baby, freaking out when she disappears but then suddenly feeling joyful when she comes back. Except she doesn’t come back. And your little baby brain is exploding with terror because the person you rely on isn’t coming back and you’re sitting there all drooling and exposed to the elements. Of course, let’s not give all the credit to my main man Earl. Tyson Chandler actually looked like a five year old against Roy Hibbert. It’s hilariously ironic that the Knicks signed four big men in the last two offseasons, exactly for situations like this, and not a one could halt the opposing monster in the middle. And of course, Lance Stephenson has singlehandedly put a dent in the happy time known as Senior Spring. But of course, all is not lost. Amazingly, after two full seasons of this Knicks

team, we have yet to see its true potential. Amar’e Stoudemire has yet to stay fully healthy over the past two seasons, and now that we know that the team is Carmelo’s and that Woodson will revolve the offense around him, there won’t be any indecision going forward. Of course, this team isn’t getting younger. There are really only a few more years of contention left, and the Knicks will have to think about rebuilding once more.

After Round 1… Wow. After falling into an 0-2 hole on the road, the Rangers stormed back mightily, going to perform the incredible feat of winning Game 7 on hostile ice (against the rival Caps). Henrik Lunqvist was his usual spectacular self,

keeping the Capitals without a point in Games 6 and 7. After shutting down superstar Alex Ovechkin in the previous series, one would think the Blueshirts would have a much easier time against the Bruins. Alas, it has not been the case. After losing 3-2 in the opener and getting crushed 5-2 in the second game (where the

Rangers failed to convert on a power play in the second period after having several opportunities on the goal), they find themselves once again in an 0-2 hole. Now, looking to become the first team in NHL history to advance to the third round after falling into back-toback 0-2 deficits, the Rangers need to come out in full force. They must really convert on the power plays (as Tortorella made harshly clear) and hope that Lunqvist’s shoulder injury doesn’t hamper him too much in the next few critical games.

Deuces. Thus came the end to MilESPN. To everyone who took the time to look to the back of the Journal to read this article, I just want to say: thank you. I’ve had a great time writing for y’all. Hinson Out.

A sad Miles examines the deteriorating state of New York sports, with both the Knicks and Rangers floundering in the playoffs. Go Yankees, amirite?

15 see page



“This year was our year. Especially with all of the seniors leaving — to not even make it to the playoffs is pathetic and deeply disappointing.” DEAN MARRIOTT ’14, o n b a s e b al l ' s w o e f u l f i n i s h

16 | MAY 2013

Another One Bites the Dust After Disappointing Finish, Following Wrestling's Suit, Lacrosse Team Disbands Due to Insufficient Numbers by SAHEER MATHRANI

“The Lacrosse Team failed this year because people like you didn’t come to tryouts,” Will Bernstein ’14 said. Between Director of Athletics George Calano and the some of the athletes who were on the team, the general consensus was that there was not enough commitment to the team this year. Collegiate Lacrosse is one of the newer athletic programs of the school and has struggled in the past due to poor coaching and lack of participation. “The problem this year was the numbers from the start, the early injuries, the

said. “There were ten people who said they wouldn’t play unless all the other ten people would play, and since one of them said no, it caused a cascade effect and none of them played.” Bernstein, along with many of the other players on the team, was disappointed with the students’ lack of commitment. In prior years, the students blamed the coaches for the poor performance of the team. “Last year our coach was sort of incompetent and only showed up to some of the games, and apparently, this same thing was true for the prior two years,”

Baseball Looks for Answers by JOURNAL STAFF

With a heart-breaking extra-inning defeat at Poly Prep on May 15, the Collegiate baseball team’s season came to a disappointing and abrupt end. The team, which finished with an 8-9 record (8-8 Ivy League), failed to qualify for the NYSAIS playoffs, falling well short of the high expectations set for a group that had lost only two major players to graduation and had

Sean McGowan ’15. “We just didn't get the job done throughout the season.” Unrealized potential was a theme of the season. The experienced squad returned eight major players while losing only two, but was never able to make good on its high prospects. “We proved that winning and losing happens as a team, not as an individual,” senior co-captain Chris Giglio said. “[The season] was filled with lots of great individual performances. When those performances overlapped, we were able to accomplish impressive things like beating Fieldston. But we weren’t able to bring together enough of those performances to win as a team.” Both Coach Valera and many players notCOURTESY OF GRAZ GIGLIO ed that the Fieldston

The Dutchmen celebrated Alex Morse ’14's walk-off double against Riverdale, then debriefed with Coach Valera.

The lacrosse equipment will not be used by any Upper School squad this year.

With almost no success and finally participation to match, the future of the lacrosse team is in jeopardy. lack of skill, and the lack of commitment from the players,” Coach Calano said. In the future, the school is looking to explore the possibility of starting a JV team for underclassmen and allowing Seniors and Juniors to play on a club team not affiliated with the school. The Athletics Department has no desire to cut lacrosse out of the high school and is trying all ways to save the team. This year they hired new coaches who were “pretty good,” in the words of Geb Bushnell ’14, “but, ultimately, the team didn’t have the numbers.” Many believe that general lack of interest, loyalty to other sports, and absence of friends on the team resulted in fewer students enrolling in the program. “People who had committed to the team decided that they wanted to play other sports and our numbers declined rapidly, like a domino effect,” Bernstein


said sophomore Conor Jones ’15. Though the coaches were bad in the past, the coaches the athletic department had hired for the coming year were considered very good by all. Jones believes that these recent acquisitions may bode well for the future: “In a couple of years we will have a very good team because the students will start seeing that the coaches are good and know how to play the game very well,” he stated. “The fitness level and practice attendance has a lot to say about the commitment level of the team,” Coach Calano said. Some of the athletes who saw the team to the end agreed with this statement. Everyone believed that if the students were more engaged, in better shape, more faithful to the coaches, and harder workers, the team would not have failed. The fate of the program lies with the underclassmen who have to have the motivation to continue the sport as a JV team and hopefully a Varsity program somewhere down the road. Although this season marks a low point in lacrosse at Collegiate, future players will try to learn from it and create a successful program. ■

returned five veteran Seniors. The season had its shares of ups and downs, but a 1-4 record in the final five games, capped by the 9-inning loss to Poly, left the team ultimately frustrated and unsatisfied. There was some confusion as the season entered its final week about what was needed to make the playoffs, and the 8-6 Dutchmen thought that at least a play-in game was guaran-teed. But in a season marked by extraordinary league-wide parity, even what the players were told was a sure bet fell through in the end. 1st place Poly Prep dropped two games five days apart to Horace Mann and the sub .500 Trinity, both of whom Col-legiate had beaten earlier in the year. With 4-0 and 5-0 finishes by Dalton and Horace Mann, respectively, the playoff bracket was released without Collegiate on it. Multiple players cited the lack of postseason as the biggest letdown, and Head Coach Yeury Valera noted that perhaps the most decisive loss, a home game against Dalton two days before the Poly tilt, was most disheartening. But the conclusion was merely a final sting in a season that had bigger issues. “It was disappointing to see the season end how it did,” said co-captain Gabe Kleiman ’13. “We had a good amount of talent, but we underperformed,” agreed

win, a 9-inning 3-2 away victory against a team that had beaten the previously-undefeated Poly Prep just a few games earlier, was the high point of the season, representative of what the Dutchmen were capable of. The Fieldston win came a week after Alex Morse ’14 hit a walk-off double to complete a 7th inning comeback against Riverdale. However, the team was unable to carry any momentum into the second half of the season. “I think one problem was that, while we were capable of much more than a .500 finish, there were some things we tried to force and some we thought would come naturally,” said Jacob Singer ’13, who pitched 8 1/3 innings in the Fieldston victory. “There were multiple points where we tried to say to ourselves, ‘hey, this is going to be a turning point’ — but that kind of thing can only happen organically. That mentality can also lead to people thinking that things will just fall into place, and the energy level — an issue we beat into the ground over the course of the season — wasn’t where it should’ve been.” Friction between the players and firstyear coaching staff developed early in practices and was never fully resolved. Adjustments were made on both sides in the middle of the season after a series of talks, but many felt that even at the end of Continued on Page 17

Journal may 2013  
Journal may 2013