I took a break this week end. I cut myself from the school. I needed to relax, breathe, have some time on my own. First, this is already something which has changed, I listen more to myself, to my needs. I want to leave, I leave. It makes me release some pressure to go away. During this week end I realized how blurry my mind was, I lost the track of myself once again. I was thinking too much, taking things too seriously and therefore entering or playing a character which was a part of me and still is, but which can absolutely not define my identity. I believe that I can explain this by the fact that I am very receptive to the teaching here, what I learn is not reaching a superficial layer but something much deeper within me. It connects and relates to my thoughts, my motion and emotion, the way I am and the way I should be. I saw something strong coming, a big change, a new and very important step in my growth. And this scared me, I was feeling fear. fear of discovering something new and being lost, fear of losing control. So, it is why I locked myself up into something I already overcomed last trimester, I went back to an attitude I accepted but that I donâ€™t want to show anymore. I was cold and stuck, narrow and stubborn. Ton made me realize this by rough and raw words, but I believe you knew it was the only way to go through the shell. Egocentric especially made me very angry, it is precisely what I want to avoid, to be only turned towards myself. But yes, Ton and Chnatal are right, I am or I was, I didnâ€™t learn that much or very difficultly in the state of mind I was stuck with. I wanted to achieve perfection, or aiming at it, aiming at a perfect combination of craft, taste and meaning.
I wanted to achieve perfection, or aiming at it, aiming at a perfect combination of craft, taste and meaning. I made those axes, one of the most personal project I ever made, a lot of thoughts, a lot of time. It became something very precious, and even though it was made to reveal and connect with people, the contact with Man was completely missing. It was there, fixed, you couldnâ€™t say anything about it. In a way, it was absolute and powerful, but I am not here, in this school to make something like that, or not yet. I understand now that real creativity can also be extremely intuitive and spontaneous, and I believe this gives much more soul and life to what you create. I can connect this with what I experienced during the meditations, the strongest moment for me was the singing class, when we were all eyes closed and connecting and interacting through our voices. I completely let go of myself with this assignment, I was vibrating, from my inside to the very limits of my skin, I was so much interacting that my body vaporised itself through the whole space, I had no boundaries anymore, I was here, now, everywhere and nowhere, I was within everyone, spread in the atmosphere. This sensation was so powerful that at the end my whole body shrinked, I think because I re-took conscious about my physical state. But this experience made me realize what I am looking for, and who I am. I am an observer, I step aside the group to understand and comprehend the people, their characters, their movements, how they are. But, I need love, I need to share and interact to be or to reach my basic goodness. I want to contemplate but not alone, I want to contemplate together. And this is my final step, sharing, simply and with humility.
Struggle. Ego. Perception. Meaning. Concept. Creativity. How to overcome myself was an important matter within this lesson. I think and rationalize a lot, I need to make things in order to express a story, I focus on the content. I tried to stick or developp this for the analysis, but the result was very fixed. Stuck, just there, nothing else to say. Well, it was strong and powerful and it was already enough I thought, what a mistake ! No, the real interest of those lessons is to go beyond, donâ€™t get trapped by your-own-self. Hard process...
First Analysis, ‘‘Oxydized’’
Second Analysis, ‘‘Primitiv’’
‘‘PRIMITIV’’ is a statement on the contrast between the will people have to reconnect with their primitiv needs, and the emotionless shapes that contemporary design is providing. I made nine axes, and worked the head and the stick separately. From the very primitiv to the very industrial for the heads and the opposite way for the sticks. I used stone, metal and wood, everytime worked in a different way in order to obtain several shapes, textures, weights, and roughness contributing to the expression of the primitiv aspect or its total absence.
After ‘‘Oxydized’’, I was afraid that I may have a lack of content in my projects, I was really scared. This is why I developped ‘‘Primitiv’’. I wanted to create something with values and meanin, something powerful, impressive even. In a way I succeed I think, but I created nine axes entirely disconnected from the Human, you don’t want to use them, they are not made to be used. It is a pure statement, a piece of art, meant to look at, but not to interact. I have to say that during the making part I was really unsure, each ax was a real trouble for me, it was the first time I really used stone and metal and each one of them looked very ugly for me. At every moment I wanted to stop it and throw them away. But, after 25 hours of work, when I had the whole collection beneath my eyes, I was proud. proud to have made something which communicates, which is strong, and represents what I believe in.
So yes, now I understand, when I do something like this, what is left to say ? I wanted to understand Chantal and create the absolute analysis, create something which doesn’t stand for something else, a real product, with meaning, with materials, shaped, ordered, a family, everything she asked for. I made it, but I shouldn’t have. I should have take it simple, just experienced some materials, make try outs, and see after. I didn’t work like this, Not my way. But the assignement was very free, so I thought I could do what I wanted.. Anyway, with some time and inner reflections I did realize that I had to try something else, something new. I was locking myself up into pureness and perfection. There is no progress in that. I don’t learn anything and the worst is that I don’t discover at all ! Therefore, the last performance was the opportunity to get off of my mind, to overcome myself. To go beyond my stubborness and the funny way is that, in order to do that, i had to go back. Go back to the simplicity, to a kind of primary expression, with poor materials, with no strength at all and made them grow and live. This is what creativity is, the most pure and basic one.
PERFORMANCE Limits. Ego. Ego. Ego. Sharing. Beyond. Ego, this is what I had to meditate about during Tonâ€™s class. I was receptive to the teaching, but still, I was turning everything to myself. I could share it, but I wasnâ€™t learning from the otherâ€™s experience. The performance and the singing class especially made me realize how connecting and interacting gives much more happiness. I realized what my fear is. I am afraid of being my-true-self. Because people can see, judge, understand, love or hate the real me, and then i would be vulnerable. But I am. Being or pretending to be strong is to be weak. Your strength, or my strength, should come from the other, from loving and sharing. Warmth, compassion and humility, this what I should learn how not to restrain. 13
Object connected to the personal text
Tu oublies tout quoi, t’es pas consultant, t’es rien, le consulting c’est de la merde quoi, la seule chose qui ai de la valeur c’est quand t’es capable de faire un chapitre comme celui-là quoi, ça, ça resteras ça, mais tu mérites que tu vives quoi, tu peut vivre pour écrire ça, ouais , ça, ça mérites que tu vives ça, tu vois là, là, là, t’es pas né pour rien, t’es necessaire quoi, t’es pas surnuméraire ça, là, comme dirait Sartes t’es pas superflus là, là, là, t’as une nécessité quand t’ecris ça, t’as décidé d’être et c’est ça qui faut se dire mec, c’est ça qui faut putain de tenir quoi, là. Lache pas le morceau te fais pas enculer, te fais pas disperser, te fais pas fragmenter, fais pas de concession quoi, y a pas de concession avec la vie quoi, y a pas de concession quoi, tu vis et faut vivre à fond. C’est, c’est, c’est .. y a une necessité d’être quoi, et c’est ça qui faut tenir mec. Putain de merde quoi c’est quand même extraordinaire.
Forget everything, you are not consultant, you’re nothing, consulting is bullshit, the only thing with value is when you are able to make a chapter like this one, this will stay, you diserve to live, you can live to write this, yeah, this, you diserve to live this, you see there, there, there, you’re not born for nothing, you’re necessary, you’re not surnumerary, as would say Sartres, you are a necessity when you write this, you decided to be and this is what you must tell yourself, this is what you have to fucking hold on to. Don’t let go, don’t get fuck, don’t get spread, don’t get fragmented, don’t make any concessions, there are no concession with life, there are no concessions, you live and you must live everything. This, this, this, .. There is a necessity to be, and that’s what you must hold on to man. Fuck it’s extraordinary.
Enery. Tumult. Stress. Crisis. Passion. Anger. Madness. Strength. This performance was a big excess of inner feelings. Screaming, shouting, running, crying. Each aspect of a melodramatic play were present. We had many things to express and to let go. The result is a big chaos. Now, when I look back at it, I realize that we performed an extra version of who we are. We didnâ€™t try to overcome our excesses. This is sometimes necessary to reach the next step. For me it was anyway. With the second performance I want to share happiness, to forget about the strength, the hard message, I just want to make people feel good.
First Performance, ‘‘ENERGY’’
Masks made for the Performance 2
Goodness. Happiness, Sharing. Simplicity and Love, this is what I felt for this performance. No more strong message, no more criticism, just bringing imagination, surprise, and astonishment to people. The simplicity was for me also in the production. I stopped focussing on beautiful materials and finally tried what was expected of me. I used what I found around me, strating with individual try outs, then I developped four masks made with melted plastic bandes. The result surprised me by its raw- and roughness, real creativity.
Second performance, ‘‘Basic Goodness’’
The best mask is your face. Hidding and expressing all the emotions. It is a translation. It is not the truth, it is an interpretation, a barrier, a frontier between inside and outside. At the begining my basic goodness was about contemplating together, it is why each mask creates a different vision, it frames your sight. At the end, I realized that my goodness is actually more about sharing and experiencing. I choose eight masks on the fifteen I made, and each one of them is related to a specific attitude. As if every time I wear a mask, I experience a new way of being. New thoughts, new movements, new behavior. This is what the world actually is, a mixed up of people hidding their richness behind masks/faces. Therefore, this performance is for me a way to express what’s behind everyone’s appearance, and use it to create a new imaginary world. My own basic goodness is the experience of all these ‘‘characters’’, it is a deep understanding of how people are and not a superficial judgement. It is love and sharing, it is simplicity and depth. Humanity and specificity.
What I felt with the experience of the real performance was the interaction and the reaction of the people watching. I tried to incorporate them by giving them masks they could wear. The result was that I was taking too much attention, I was actually using the whole space, developing many specific body languages, which were, I guess, attracting for the eyes. I should learn how to stay in the same place, reduce my will of communicating and expressing to, sometimes, leave space to the other people I am working with.
Published on Sep 13, 2013