Amateur Transplants: In Theatre It’s quite possible you’ve made a terrible mistake by coming here.
Dr Adam Kay & Dr Suman Biswas – email@example.com
Adam Kay Adam is the more sexually aggressive half of Amateur Transplants.The eldest child of fuckloads, he was brought up and educated in London. His parents hoped he would become a captain of industry – he has instead essentially become the sailor from the Village People. Adam plays several musical instruments, has a photographic memory and an obsessional attention to detail. One can safely assume he has been immunised against measles, mumps and rubella. Currently taking a break from full-time medicine to concentrate on comedy, this has really helped him develop his interests in daytime television and wanking.
In the event of Adam’s death, he would like his ashes to be scattered unexpectedly over Graham Norton. It is written into his will that Suman must not sing at his funeral. One of you will be chosen at random to be his next of kin. Adam lives in London with a series of barelylegal rent boys who seem to be on some sort of rota. His hobbies include tropical holidays, vintage Jaguars and Ponzi schemes. Please note: If Adam buys you a drink, you are giving your implied consent for sexual intercourse – don’t go crying to the police afterwards.
Suman Biswas Suman (“the brown one”) is currently the oldest living member of Amateur Transplants. He was brought up in the jungles of India by a singing bear. He was born in the North of England, the son of his parents who didn’t know any better, and they moved south as soon as possible. Being foreignlooking, he unsurprisingly excelled at school, academically reaching sub-sub-prodigy level in fields as diverse as Maths and Further Maths. Like most seven-year olds, he was forced to learn the recorder. Unlike most seven-year olds, he was also forced to learn the piano, clarinet, guitar and double bass. For unknown reasons, he had a lonely childhood, with only his deaf brother for company. Music and comedy have always been great loves. People laughed whenever he tried to play the piano so writing funny songs seemed to be the natural next step. Thanks to his ambitious parents, Suman was encouraged to pursue a respectable and
rewarding career path. However, being lazy, he followed them into the NHS instead.
legally allowed to stick sharp things into them and render them unconscious.
Suman still works as an Anaesthetist but enjoys performing Amateur Transplants gigs. Both give him many opportunities to travel and meet new and unusual people. The only difference is that when he’s at work, he is
Life is supposed to be easy - almost as if to disprove this, Suman recently got married to a German midwife. They live in London together with their 0/1/2/3/4/5/6/0 children (depending on when you read this).
FAcQs We asked Adam and Suman five questions, and then typed up the answers. How did the two of you meet? We met at university in 1998. Our Medical School was a very bitter place at the time, deeply riven into two factions - Shark Island and Tiger Island. Adam was leader of the Sharks and Suman was leader of the Tigers. The two tribes were sworn rivals and would only meet once a week, at the regular beach party. One such week, we found ourselves together on a stage - and we discovered our common love of the comedy song. Amateur Transplants was born, and Medical School was as one again.
How did the first album come about? ‘Fitness to Practice’ was thrown together as a charity RAG week endeavour - unrehearsed and recorded in a single take (using a keyboard intended for children and a sound desk we had no control over). We had
intended to flog a couple of hundred copies, but the public appetite for swearing seemed to far outweigh this - and it has sold tens of thousands of copies, and spawned a couple of subsequent albums. Somehow.
“We think of a quick nobgag and stretch it out until it’s two minutes long.” How do you write your songs? We do two different types of songs I guess. Firstly, the smart-arse, word-salad, dictionary-corner patter songs. These take fucking days to write, and are a thoroughly miserable experience. The second type are the sweary songs. We think of a quick nobgag and stretch it out until it’s two minutes long. We can effectively write those ones in real-time.
Any memorable complaints? Virtually no complaints as it happens, with one exception. We sing ourselves hoarse for ten years about the diseased and deceased and no-one bats an eyelid. One song about Northern girls being ugly and easy, and suddenly our inboxes are stuffed full of emails from angry (presumably also ugly and easy) Northern girls.
Has your music influenced your medical careers at all? Not quite sure how to answer that. We try to keep our two separate careers quite, well, separate. Like Clark Kent, or Peter Parker. Or Harold Shipman.
Find out more about Adam & Suman at www.amateurtransplants.com
Tweets from @amateuradam Give a man a fish and he will be confused and suspicious. Finally I can suck my own penis! (I'm concerned though I may later discover some drawbacks of cutting off my penis.) If you're trying to imagine how my previous, glass-topped, coffee table got broken - you're quite right. Hitler. Hitler. Hitler-hitler. Hitlerhitler-hitler. Hitler-hitler-hitlerhitler-hitler. (I love the Fibonazi sequence) Really excited about looking round some detached houses. I've already got a semi. I always say it's not about length or girth, more about the sheer unswallowable volumes of semen. Oh god - I intended to just do a bit of light fingering, but I've made a terrible fist of it. I have had 29 units of alcohol. 29 in hexadecimal is 1D. If I know this I should be fine to drive.
Will Cheryl Cole keep Ashley's surname, or revert to her maiden name of "The Racist One From Girls Aloud"?
Sometimes the only thing that keeps me going is knowing how miserable Gok Wan must constantly be.
You can make a terrible omelette without breaking eggs.
If someone told me three years ago I'd end up writing over 1500 tweets I'd have said, "What the fuck are tweets?"
Yesterday I broke my brown shoes. I mean this literally. I don't mean "Yesterday I lost my anal footfisting virginity". I know one shouldn't really make clay models of Mohammed, but I'm turning a reasonable prophet. Work out your pornstar name by writing down the name you use when you make pornographic movies. My cat is so smart. He knows when I'm drunk and pours me a glass of water. Fuck - I'm hallucinating. Radio 4: "A tax on Jews reached record levels in 2009". Didn't know there was a... Oh, attacks. I'm bringing sexy back. And I'm combining it with violent, unpredictable and drunk.
The good thing about Hollyoaks is you can miss a few episodes and the next Sorry advert man, I'm not happy time you watch it you're still a cunt. pronouncing Santander as Sonntun-dare.
Remember, Twitter's having a fire drill at 11am tomorrow. Everyone assemble outside Bebo. The reason they keep closing the Circle Line at weekends is they're converting it into a Slow Hadron Collider 40mins in and half way there, the amusement of getting a bicycle rickshaw from Soho to Chiswick has completely disappeared. Do I book Cher for my Christmas party or a Cher tribute act? I'll probably choose both: Cher and Cher-alike. Before Twitter came along I had to spray-paint this shit onto railway bridges. Follow Adam at: www.twitter.com/amateuradam
Tweets from @amateursuman I don’t know what to do during @amateuradam’s solo songs. Usually I draw a cat on my lyric sheet. Today I may tweet.
It’s acceptable to say you’re “carrying a food baby” but not to describe the painful, exhausting process of “curry labour”
Am teaching my cat about Communism. (I assume he wants to learn, he’s always asking about Mao)
Having a relaxing afternoon by the riverside, feeding the pigeons (to the swans)
I’m holding a grizzly cub so apologies for minimal tweeting today; bear with me.
I can see exactly a decade into the future with complete clarity. Damn this 2020 vision.
All that glitters is not gold. (An example of this is glitter)
Last night I dreamt I was eating a huge pillow and when I woke up my marshmallow was no wait that’s not how it goes
#BeyonceRecommendsHorrorDVDs - If you liked “It” then you should put “The Ring” on The best way to become infamous is by starring in an infomercial. I invented a beta-blocker & called it “lolololol” - it’s a catchy name, plus it’s 341 in binary. In an attempt to make it more appealing, Archaeology is being rebranded as “Skullduggery”. Just been to the dental hygienist - I think I’ve figured out the inspiration for “Everybody needs a bosom for a pillow” In the US, Sunday 3.14 is Pi Day (whereas we celebrate it on 22/7)
See a penny, pick it up; all day long you’ll have a dirty penny (& the fear you’ve caught a nasty disease off it) Met someone 3 times my size today. Spent the time acutely aware that, to him, I resemble a giant chocolate bar. The first US woman in space was Sally Ride. This information has completely ruined the song Mustang Sally for me. I’m getting Percy Jackson confused with Harry Potter. Schoolboy error Going for a stroll with an Eightiestheme today. I’ll be walking like an Egyptian, a Dinosaur and This Way. What will happen to the IndigO2 if it’s ever taken over by Orange?
I’ve invented a new game, a bit like table-tennis but messier. Who wants to play “Tam-Pong”? Does anyone know the answer to: “How many surgeons does it take to change a lightbulb?” Please don’t keep me in the dark. Hmph! Some tracksuited dickhead just shoulder-barged me then swore his head off at me! (I would’ve answered back but I didn’t have a piano) So NO-ONE else prefers the last 3 days of the working week? WTF? Disappointed with my Norman Wisdom DVD. No pratfalls - just advice on the feudal system & avoiding arrow injuries. Follow Suman at: www.twitter.com/amateursuman
Unfit to Practise – Shooting the cover On a rainy morning in July 2008 Adam and Suman went for a photoshoot at an abandoned hospital in West London due for demolition. They’d bought an upright piano on eBay for £1, and they’d been to B&Q to buy a massive hammer. Photography and cover design by Toby Tinsley. Wheelchairs and zimmer frames: hospital’s own.
How to be a bogus doctor Over these next few pages we will teach you how to set up on your own in private medical practice: how to fob off, rip off and strip off members of the public for your own personal gain. Written with Mike Wozniak.
The consultation room itself should be austere and intimidating. Acquire the biggest oak desk you can find and position it in between you and the patient. Raise your chair so you are perched at least four inches higher than they are. This will reassure them that they are seeing an expert and will make them less likely to ask you searching questions. You could consider shortening one of the legs of their chair by half an inch. This will mean they constantly rock on the spot and are made to feel like a fucking idiot.
The Nurse: Every year, small public schools churn out a legion of girls who are pretty, painfully thick and entirely without useful skills – owing to centuries of selective breeding. As a result they have little chance of working out that your practice is, at best, louche and ad-libbed and, at worst, plainly illegal. The nurse’s outfit can of course be obtained from a sex-shop. If you buy it at the same time as your stirrups you will probably save on postage.
Avoid pictures drawn by children, as this will give you the appearance of a cock. Instead allow yourself one portrait photograph of your attractive and fabricated family. In the corner of the room you will require an examination couch with stirrups. These can be obtained from any sex shop.
Scan Machine As you can see, the Scan Machine essentially comprises a washing machine (cut in half), and two Li-los. Please cut the washing machine in such a way that does not interfere with the spinning mechanism. As you will discover, washing machines are almost impossible to cut in half. Your attempt will look, at best, terrible. We therefore recommend you cover the whole shambles in papier-mâché. This has the added advantage of disguising the join with the Li-los. A tape cassette of men hitting bin lids together should be played during the scan to add realism. You can tell the patient they are having a CT scan or MRI. It doesn’t matter. They don’t know the difference and neither do you.
The Pharmacist: Not really optional. Should a patient present a prescription of yours to Boots you will barely have time to take your cyanide pill before the authorities arrive. The pharmacy should therefore be in-house. Applicants must be able to chop little pieces of chalk into different shapes and paint them different colours. They should also be comfortable with a cash-in-hand noquestions-asked approach to work. We recommend Australians.
Dialysis Machine A Dialysis Machine will be amongst the first things you need to make. Dialysis simply replaces the function of the kidneys, which is to filter the blood. You will learn about the indications later when we discuss ‘Mesangioproliferative Glomerulonephritis’. You will need a needle and a length of plastic tubing, from which to draw off the patient’s blood. In the other arm you should place another needle and tubing to infuse the clean replacement fluid – milk. Milk is the purest liquid known to man. Ensure you infuse 1 litre of milk for every 1.2 litres of blood, as blood is thicker than water but probably slightly thinner than milk. You should warn the patient that their life expectancy on dialysis is very poor.
How to be a bogus doctor Now you’ve made everything you need for your practice, here’s a rundown of the common maladies you’ll need to treat, and how to pretend to treat them convincingly.
A heart attack is basically a stitch and should, therefore, be walked off. Tablets are not usually required. If an individual is known to have heart attacks all the time and without much in the way of provocation then they have ‘Angina’ and should be advised to eat less salt - or more salt, depending on how much salt they eat. ‘Angina’ should not be confused with ‘Mangina’ which is when a male person wedges his external genitalia behind his legs to create the illusion that he is female. ‘Unstable Mangina’ occurs when Usually caused by an attack from an angry a mangina is poorly constructed and the swan although, in children, can be caused by external genitalia are accidentally revealed. falling off a swing or out of a tree. To confirm the arm is broken see if it will bend in a place you would not normally expect. Children will request a plaster cast so that their friends can draw small penises on it. By all means indulge such children if you wish but ensure their parents pay handsomely. Plaster casts should be removed once there is no longer space for new penises.
1 in 10 people at some point in their lives will turn bright yellow. This is because of an excess of bile and is known as yellow jaundice. Bile is one of the four humours of the body and is caused by sin.
You will not have forgotten the enormous inconvenience of building your dialysis machine on the previous page. Now is the time to use it.
Headaches Headaches are usually caused by either too much or too little sexual intercourse. The patient is likely to have preformed ideas about which category they fall into. Headaches will resolve following the appropriate lifestyle change. There is one other cause for headaches – A Brain Tumour. This is what the patient will presume they have. You may be able to exploit this anxiety in some by performing a ‘Scan’. Report the scan as normal, and interrogate them with regard to their sex life.
Mesangioproliferative Glomerulonephritis This literally means ‘Massive Kidney Sick’ and thankfully only 2% of people have it in the UK at any one time. Patients present with vomiting and massive kidneys.
Common sins leading to the accumulation of bile include booze gluttony, heroin abuse and intercourse with the indigenous sex industry workers of Thailand. Simply advise your patient to cut down on whichever bile sins you have identified.
Anaemia Kidney Stones One of the functions of the kidney is the manufacture of small stones. These are known as kidney stones. Their usual passage is through the urethra and into the sewerage system, via an Armitage Shanks. They are eventually swept into the tide, and form shingle beaches. This is known as shingles.
Anaemia is when the patient does not have enough blood. The only way to accurately gauge the degree of anaemia is to bleed them dry and measure the extracted volume in a calibrated porcelain bowl. Whilst this method is extremely accurate, for the patient it is catastrophic, and so should never be performed. Instead, calculate the degree of anaemia using guesswork. A blood transfusion is the only cure.
Blood transfusions in the wrong hands – by which we mean your hands – can be fatal. It is essential that the patient receives blood of their own type. To ensure this is the case, use blood obtained from a first-degree relative or spouse.
The patient is bleeding uncontrollably – the first thing to do is panic. Panic like a ginger at a rugby club disco. But panic quickly and get it over with. Time is not on your side.
Some patients will have no appropriate donor. It is therefore key to establish their blood group using this questionnaire (right). Blood can be administered either intravenously or orally. If blood is given orally you should only expect the smallest fraction to be absorbed into the circulation. The remainder will be excreted within tarry, black, foul-smelling stool.
First assess the type of bleeding – does it hail from an artery or a vein? If it is projectile and blood is hitting the ceiling, the bleeding is from an artery. Put a finger in the hole and turn the patient upside down. If it’s more of a smooth, seepy, room-filling-up-like-a bath type phenomenon, the bleeding is venous. Place a leather belt around the patient’s waist and do it up uncomfortably tight. If neither of these measures work, call it quits and leave the country.
Merchandise – amateurshop.co.uk All for sale before/after gigs, or in our online shop. Adam and Suman can sign stuff if you want to affect the eBay resale value.
CDs & DVDs In Theatre – live CD Fitness to Practice – debut studio album Unfit to Practise – second studio album The Black & White Menstrual Show – live DVD All at £10.00 each
T-shirts ‘In Theatre’ Tour T-shirt Small pocket graphic on front & tour details on back
‘Unacceptably Small’ Girls’ T-shirt Black print on white T-shirt
Paracetamoxyfrusebendroneomycin T-shirt Pink print on white T-shirt
Badges A set of two high-quality 25mm pin badges to wear with pride. We’re aware that not all of you are safe with sharp objects, so just be careful eh? £2.50
Two lanyards that say ‘Paracetamoxyfrusebendroneomycin’.
A signed clinical waste bag containing the whole back-catalogue (Unfit to Practise, Fitness to Practice, The Black and White Menstrual Show, In Theatre), lanyard and badges.
They come as a pair, so if you lose one then you’ve got a spare at home. To be honest, it’s probably more of a problem that you’ve also lost your ID card. £5.00
Would make a perfect gift for all the family. Except the very young, obviously. And the old. You’re going to have to use your judgement on this one. £35.00
www.amateurtransplants.com firstname.lastname@example.org twitter: @amateuradam / @amateursuman Programme design by joeloverton.com