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IMPLANT A COLLECTION OF READABLE PAINTINGS


IMPLANT is a book of written paintings. Here’s how it works. It’s a two part thingy, so don’t think you’re done after the first thingy. Thingy One: Using Vocabularic Implantation Technology, the following paintings are IMPLANTED into your mind as you read them. Thingy Two: As soon as you process the information, your imagination automatically paints what you read onto your brain canvass, thus creating your very own version of each painting IN YOUR MIND. Read them. Imagine them. Fondle them. Enjoy?


UNDER-DRESSED GRANDMOTHERS WRESTLING IN A JELLO FILLED PIG PEN

QUEEN ELIZABETH’S HEAD ON SADDAM HUSSEIN’S BODY IN ELTON JOHN’S CLOTHES


VENUS DE MILO DRY-HUMPING THE STATUE OF DAVID

An early IMPLANTATION prototype, the Arthur B. Footswieller used scientifically modified air to impregnate the human mind with artistic imagery. But after several failed attempts, this woman was burned at the stake for probably being a witch.


A PALE NURSE POURING CURDLED MILK ON FAKE PLASTIC HOUSE PLANTS

SIX GOATS FOUR DONKEYS AND BOB SEGAR’S BEARD ON BAR STOOLS IN PARIS


AN OLD NAKED LADY IN A BASEMENT WITH A FLOWERY LAMP SHADE ON HER HEAD

TOOTHLESS BLONDE REDNECKS RIDING TARGET BRAND POGO STICKS


SEVERAL RED TELEPHONES AND ONE PURPLE TELEPHONE

This piece (originally titled “LLAMAS IN PAJAMAS”) was the first known image to be IMPLANTED into the mind of a somewhat willing test subject. In unrelated news, said subject later went on to be disemboweled by a runaway hedge trimmer.


WHITE PEOPLE WEARING PONCHOS

TWELVE HAIRY CHEERLEADERS EATING PIGS IN A BLANKET


POPE JOHN PAUL DUNKING ON SCOTTIE PIPPEN

A GOITER ON TOP OF A GOITER ON TOP OF A FACE


SIXTEEN SUBURBAN SOCCER MOMS RIDING DONKEYS INTO THE SUNSET

JESUS CHRIST PLAYING SKEEBALL WITH CHAIRMAN MAO


KURT RUSSELL EATING AN EGG SALAD SANDWICH

THREE MEMBERS OF THE BRITISH PARLIAMENT PLOWING IMELDA MARCOS


WILFORD BRIMLEY DOING BONG RIPS WITH MILEY CIRUS Post IMPLANTATION, subjects were 78% more likely to find circular food to be more appealing that squarishly shaped food. Conversely, only 12% of observers found that statistic to be even remotely relevant to whatever it was they were talking about.


MICHELLE PFEIFFER DROPPING A DEUCE ON GERTRUDE STEIN

THE CHEERLEADER PYRAMIDS OF GIZA


THIRD EYE BLIND PLAYING BOCCE BALL WITH THE GIN BLOSSOMS

Harriet Shagbaum, seen here formulating her Triggle Diggle Piggle Hypothesis, found that if exposed to Vocabularic Implantation Technology for more than 57 straight hours, people wouldn’t be very happy about it. Her very hairy knuckles had no apparent effect on her research.


NAPOLEON EATING A NAPOLEON

A SHITLOAD OF REALLY NICE BOOBS


TWO PEAS IN AN ESCAPE POD

BREAD LETTUCE CHEESE MAYO NOLAN RYAN BUTTER BREAD


A YOUNG MOTHER THERESA CHECKMATING SNOOP DOGG’S DOPPELGANGER

MORBIDLY OBESE CHINESE CHILDREN PLAYING AMERICAN MINIATURE GOLF


TONY THE TIGER IN A WOOD CHIPPER

After the endorsement of Astor Hadooganflooger, a Texasborn produce magnate, Vocabularic Implantation Technology was found to be relatively safe for the dull-of-mind or recently deceased. It was unveiled to the public shortly thereafter.


A WILD WHITE STALLION IN A RED SEQUIN DRESS DRIVING A BACKHOE MADE OF MEATLOAF

PARKER POSEY FEEDING SAUERKRAUT TO STONE COLD STEVE AUSTIN


SEVERED HANDS ACROSS AMERICA

After being locked in a basement for what had to seem like forever, volunteers were taunted and beaten with wooden spoons before agreeing to ingest the now infamous “Implant Elixir� (see: Pendleton v. the State of Illinois, c. 1956). Despite the internal hemorrhaging, apparently they saw some pretty neat stuff.


IMPLANT