OUR LAST ISSUE EVER!!!
Post-Apocalyptic Primping - The Mammal Advantage - Details: The Space Rock -
65 Million Years Ago Issue 100/100
Waves up to ten metres high hit the coast of Africa yesterday, flooding the lowlands and devastating habitat. These waves were caused by yesterday’s asteroid impact and were visible at coastlines all over the globe. In North America, the waves that moved inland were as tall as 100 metres. The lowlands and swampy areas are ideal dinosaur breeding and nesting grounds. Parents and young alike were devastated by the natural disaster. “I lost my entire litter!” explained one weepy Fulcarius. “My mate is gone,” sighed a Rugops. These tsunamis are only the latest in the series of devastating events caused by the asteroid impact.
In Central America, dinosaurs are left to wander after the forest that is their home was flattened in the 1000 km/h winds emanating from the asteroid impact site. The entire forest was flattened and dinosaurs were sent flying when the wind suddenly came at them. Eyewitnesses say that the wind was scorching hot and strong enough to knock even the hardiest Argentinosaurus off its feet. Many flying dinosaurs complained of gale-force winds that knocked them off their course. Other dinos are concerned about the loss of food that was once provided by the forests. The winds continue to batter the area at lower speeds.
“The ocean floor rose and fell in swells up to ten feet tall,” reported a Platecarpus who witnessed yesterday’s seismic activity. These are the biggest swells ever reported and they were caused by the asteroid impact. Some dinosaur experts believe that the asteroid blow helped restart those pesky volcanoes known as the Deccan Traps. Others are skeptical. “According to family legend, those Traps have been dormant for a few million years,” reported a savvy Wuerhosaurus. Let’s just hope that the seismic problems caused by the impact don’t get any worse than the swells.
Hey, this is Maury the Meteorological Mussaurus with this millennium’s forecast. I don’t Be on your toes, dinos! You don’t know about you, but I am getting pretty bored with know whether fireballs will be raining down from above or the balmy 20 degree weather. It’s high time that we whether the ground might scorch switched it up. Good thing that this asteroid came you. along or I would have been seriously bored with my career forever. Ha! But seriously, there are going to be some major changes around here from now on. I’ve put it all in a handy dandy chart below for your viewing pleasure. Tomorrow
Wildfires Heat Blasts Raining Fireballs
A Forty Degree Drop Snow and Ice
Five Years From Now Acid Rain Things are Warming Up
Next Century It’s Getting Hot In Here
So, as you can see, tomorrow will be a continuation of today’s scorching temperatures. Forest fires are continuing to consume our plant and animal friends. The heat wave caused by the asteroid impact is still making its way around the globe. The hot winds are warming things up. Also, raining molten debris may be heating the ground in your area up to 400 degrees. Be on your toes, dinos! You don’t know whether fireballs will be raining down from above or whether the ground might scorch you. The clouds of ash, gas, and debris are going to be obscuring the sun pretty soon. This is unlucky for you plant readers! No sunlight is going to be getting through to help you photosynthesize any time soon. This overcast weather may well cause a forty degree
temperature drop. No more balmy climate for us! Snow and ice are on the way. Now is the time to stock up on your parkas! We’re all going to need one when it’s minus twenty! That darn asteroid is causing loads of issues around here. It made the sulfur evaporate out of the ocean to make those giant clouds that are going to be helping us chill out (get it?). That sulfur is going to mix with more nasty stuff, then rain down on you all. Oceans, lakes, and rivers will be polluted, as well as our aquatic friends. Finally, when those clouds are all rained out, the gas in the atmosphere is going to cause something called a greenhouse gas effect. That means that the sun shining on our lovely planet will be intensified and things around here will get tropical again. This heating period should last a few thousand years. I’ll be back with more weather after that all goes by. Wishing you and your family a happy extinction, Mary the Meteorological Mussaurus
We all know mammals. They’re those pathetic little creatures that scurry underfoot when you’re trying to get around. They are small, insignificant, and weak. Yet, they are thriving while we dinosaurs are having a rough time of it. What gives? By talking to my pals down at the Mammal Relations Office, I figured out what’s going on. Simply put, we dinos are just too awesome. We’re big, we hang around in the day like normal organisms, we’re sanitary when we eat, and we don’t live in dirty burrows. Simply put, we dinosaurs are just However, these disgusting habits give too awesome. mammals and advantage in crises. Sadly, it seems like anyone who is going to survive this whole mass extinction will have to weigh less than 25 kilograms. Since most dinosaurs tip the scales at a whole lot more than that, we don’t use food or energy very effectively. To boot, there are more members of each mammal species than there are of each dinosaur species. Since they are smaller, they get their strength from numbers. This makes it easier for them to find a mate even if a large number of them are dying off. Now let’s talk about those filthy underground bunkers. Apparently, those vile things shield the mammals from the forest fires, fireballs and acid rain that are putting us all in danger. Since we live out in the open, we have nowhere to hide. Also, mammals have this nifty thing called warm blood. It helps them stay warm during the cold periods and cool when it’s sweltering. Reptiles have no such mechanism so we’re defenseless. As you all probably know, it’s horrible to be stumbling around in this perpetual darkness while looking for food. Since most mammals already operate at night, this doesn’t trouble them. They have better vision to cope with the dark. Finally, the mammals’ most revolting habit is really helping them to stay alive. They’re omnivores. They eat plants, insects, other animals, and (eww) carrion. Since the plants and animals are dying out, there’s an abundance of carrion for the mammals to feed on. So, we can all tell that mammals have characteristics that help them out when they’re trying to survive. But since we’re above eating carrion, we dinosaurs know that it’s better to be part of a dying species that to be a filthy mammal.
Confused about what just hit? Here are all the particulars of the recent asteroid strike in full scientific detail. Size: The asteroid is ten kilometers in diameter, larger than Mount Everest. Mass: It weighs in at approximately one billion tons. Speed: The asteroid hit the earth at a speed of twenty kilometers per second. The asteroid displaced air and debris into the atmosphere at an equal speed. Crater: The crater created by the impact is 180 kilometers wide and a kilometer deep. Impact: The impact of the asteroid sent a plume of molten debris across the earth, as well as starting large tidal waves, hurricane force winds, and seismic activity. These effects are wreaking havoc upon the biosphere. Where is the asteroid now?: The asteroid was vaporized as it was consumed by its own impact.
Post-Apocalyptic Pretty By Barbara Brachytrachelopan
adies, just because we are in a crisis doesn’t mean that we can neglect appearances. In fact, when looking for a white dino knight to save you, a little extra effort to look nice can go a long way. Rain, sun, cold, wind – these elements are wreaking havoc on our hair, talons, and skin. Dry skin caused by heat is such a pain. That’s why I advise carrying moisturiser with you at all times. When you’re on the run, stopping to itch can be fatal. Why, I had a friend who was mowed down by a tidal wave while she was stopping to exfoliate. It’s essential to moisturize every morning and evening, no matter how panicked. Hair is an entirely different matter. These fluctuating temperatures can cause a variety of problems, from split ends to frizz. A good shower regimen, a strong leave-in conditioner, and a good comb should help your hair stay in good shape. Meanwhile, a French braid or a bun can easily tame the loose ends. It’s such a shame that the asteroid came in the middle of the fashion houses rolling out their fall/winter collections. All you poor dinos have no clue which talon polishes to bring on the road to safety. Never fear, Auntie Babs is here. I would advise bringing a summery pale pink, a classic red and one fun colour to cheer you up. Don’t forget the manicure set! I trust that all you ladies will be able to make it through looking your best. You never know whether a handsome palaeontologist might stumble across you someday.
Take my example – perfect grooming in stressful times. Isn’t the eye makeup just darling?
Horoscopes By Patchouli Polancanthus
Aquarius January 21 to February 19 You are in grave danger. Forces from the heavens will come to have a great impact on your life. Keep your family and friends close at hand but flee the strong pull of home. You will be safer elsewhere.
Leo July 24 to August 23 Now is the time for you to take charge of the situation. Don’t be afraid to step up to the plate and to make decisions for the group. They’ll appreciate your guidance in the long run.
Pisces February 20 to March 20 You thrive in the water, but the ocean may be coming for your life now. Beware the seashore and the marshes and head for high land, no matter what you instincts may say. Be sure to recruit the help of friends along the way.
Virgo August 24 to September 23 Don’t let this difficult turn of events get you down. If you persevere and look on the bright side of life, things will get better. Appreciate small gifts or favours bestowed on you, especially those that look unassuming.
Aries March 21 to April 20 Through you are strong and stubborn, it is unwise to use that stubbornness to help save others in this difficult time. Remember to be your own first priority and try to ask for help when you need it, though this may go against the grain for you.
Libra September 24 to October 23 You must act! Move away from the area which you currently inhabit with those you care about. Don’t spend too much time pondering the implications or complications. Now is the time for decisive action and you must lead the charge.
Taurus April 21 to May 21 I see a journey in your future. Whether it be a spiritual journey through the loss of a loved one, a physical journey towards a better life, or a subconscious journey through your own mortality, accept this burden and learn what you can from the experience.
Scorpio October 24 to November 22 Your safety depends upon your patience while dealing with others in the days to come. The only way to connect with others is by not ostracizing them with your anxiety. Try to be open-minded and cheerful. Maybe you’ll find love with a Gemini to help you with this transformation.
Gemini May 22 to June 21 Gemini, though times are tough, never hesitate to seek people out and to make new acquaintances. You will need all the help you can get in the days to come, especially from those who you wouldn’t normally get to know. Perhaps forging a romantic attachment would keep your mind off the hard situation at hand.
Sagittarius November 23 to December 22 In the days to come, it is key to remember to leave your reckless nature behind. Don’t take any risks, no matter how small they may seem. Check with your friends before taking action and remember that common sense is your best friend. However, recklessness to save a dear companion may be just what’s needed.
Cancer June 22 to July 23 Be careful in the days ahead. I see danger coming from every side and betrayal from someone you trust. Be careful not to get too close to anyone emotionally and be cautious when taking leaps of faith. This may save you in the long run.
Capricorn December 23 to January 20 Don’t get too bogged down with pain or regret. Survival is you only goal. Concentrate on the present and on your reality. Regrets and doubts will just get in the way of your safety and happiness at the wrong moment.
A weekly magazine from the time of the dinosaurs.