From The Edinburgh Rascal - Issue 11 - March 2013 “HIGHER EDUCATION FOR DUMMIES” Over-Qualified University Graduates Forced To UNDER QUALIFY To Get Jobs by Kieran Curran The so-called over-qualified mass of the British public - Architects with 2:2s, Divinity Scholars with 2:1s, bespectacled girls with Master's degrees in Cultural Theory - are daily subject to the mind numbing grind of job hunting, a pursuit particularly ridiculous given the scant career opportunities in the land of the triple dip recession. Graduates applying for posts which don't require any professional training are frequently disappointed, as they are passed over for vacancies for posts like "aromatherapy feng shui assistant" in John Lewis" and "flavoured syrup sorter/spoon cleaning apprentice" at Costa Coffee. The prediliction of middle managers to ignore the applications from graduates has, in the past, been attributed to simple snobbery. However, recent studies from the Arbroath Institute Of Advanced Studies have shown that the more you learn, the thicker - in practical terms - you actually become. Masters degree graduates are thought to be 12% more socially inept than undergraduates, whilst - in a more extreme state of affairs - the Poststructuralist Historian Professor Egon Sheila has (since publishing his 9th book, entitled 'Crisis of Neo-Kantian Poetics in Gramsci's Prison Notebooks') been unable to use the toilet unattended. He has also taken to grunting akin to a gibbon in lieu of conversing with his secretary, ordering coffees in fluent Klingon and putting his pants on over his trousers. Graduates are attempting to learn to act dumb when composing CVs to subvert this, creating fictional job histories including such illustrious posts as Chief Toilet Cleaner at the Meadowbank KFC. Some have taken extreme measures to negate the effects of their past intellectual exploits. "I drank a whole glass of meths before a job interview at the Loch Ness 3D Experience in the summer of 2011", young professional Tom Martin-Peacock told us last week from the comfort of his Hounslow mansion. "The room started spinning, and I felt that my body and soul were melting as one, into an inarticulate existential gloop. I recall moaning like a wounded stag quite a bit. Not only did I get the job, they immediately made me manager of the whole place." By virtue of the process of learning to act dumb, however, desperate former students are giving themselves away/making themselves more inept, ensuring that they are doomed to fail in their noble quest for bottom of the barrel employment.
INFINITE UNIVERSE - FINITE NUMBER OF JOBS
Timothea Armour Kieran Curran Andrew Gannon Dennis Reinmüller Sian Robinson-Davies John Winslow