Page 1

                                                         

EMPLOYMENT.


From The  Edinburgh  Rascal  -­  Issue  11  -­  March  2013 “HIGHER  EDUCATION  FOR  DUMMIES” Over-­Qualified  University  Graduates  Forced  To  UNDER  QUALIFY  To  Get  Jobs by  Kieran  Curran The  so-­called  over-­qualified  mass  of  the  British  public  -­  Architects  with 2:2s,  Divinity  Scholars  with  2:1s,  bespectacled  girls  with  Master's  degrees  in Cultural  Theory  -­  are  daily  subject  to  the  mind  numbing  grind  of  job  hunting, a  pursuit  particularly  ridiculous  given  the  scant  career  opportunities  in  the land  of  the  triple  dip  recession.  Graduates  applying  for  posts  which  don't require  any  professional  training  are  frequently  disappointed,  as  they  are passed  over  for  vacancies  for  posts  like  "aromatherapy  feng  shui  assistant"  in John  Lewis"  and  "flavoured  syrup  sorter/spoon  cleaning  apprentice"  at  Costa Coffee. The  prediliction  of  middle  managers  to  ignore  the  applications  from  graduates has,  in  the  past,  been  attributed  to  simple  snobbery.  However,  recent  studies from  the  Arbroath  Institute  Of  Advanced  Studies  have  shown  that  the  more  you learn,  the  thicker  -­  in  practical  terms  -­  you  actually  become.  Masters  degree graduates  are  thought  to  be  12%  more  socially  inept  than  undergraduates, whilst  -­  in  a  more  extreme  state  of  affairs  -­  the  Poststructuralist  Historian Professor  Egon  Sheila  has  (since  publishing  his  9th  book,  entitled  'Crisis  of Neo-­Kantian  Poetics  in  Gramsci's  Prison  Notebooks')  been  unable  to  use  the toilet  unattended.  He  has  also  taken  to  grunting  akin  to  a  gibbon  in  lieu  of conversing  with  his  secretary,  ordering  coffees  in  fluent  Klingon  and  putting his  pants  on  over  his  trousers. Graduates  are  attempting  to  learn  to  act  dumb  when  composing  CVs  to  subvert this,  creating  fictional  job  histories  including  such  illustrious  posts  as Chief  Toilet  Cleaner  at  the  Meadowbank  KFC.  Some  have  taken  extreme  measures to  negate  the  effects  of  their  past  intellectual  exploits.  "I  drank  a  whole glass  of  meths  before  a  job  interview  at  the  Loch  Ness  3D  Experience  in  the summer  of  2011",  young  professional  Tom  Martin-­Peacock  told  us  last  week  from the  comfort  of  his  Hounslow  mansion.  "The  room  started  spinning,  and  I  felt that  my  body  and  soul  were  melting  as  one,  into  an  inarticulate  existential gloop.  I  recall  moaning  like  a  wounded  stag  quite  a  bit.  Not  only  did  I  get the  job,  they  immediately  made  me  manager  of  the  whole  place." By  virtue  of  the  process  of  learning  to  act  dumb,  however,  desperate  former students  are  giving  themselves  away/making  themselves  more  inept,  ensuring that  they  are  doomed  to  fail  in  their  noble  quest  for  bottom  of  the  barrel employment.


INFINITE UNIVERSE - FINITE NUMBER OF JOBS


Timothea Armour Kieran Curran Andrew Gannon Dennis Reinmüller Sian Robinson-Davies John Winslow

         

EMPLOYMENT  

Be a better self. Be an employed self.