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the swaying dog issue #1

g. nothin about e n i z a ine is this z

i stole the idea off jerry seinfeld.


he loves it.

. jerry loving it


1. get 2. what

3. you’re 4. fucking given

6. yuss

end ello fri

sue of the first is welcome to s pretty much going to the swaying dog - it’ make all of your dreams come true.

i know, i know, it’s a big promise to make and

fucking difficult to back up. but, you know, now i’ve said it i’m just going to have to run with it . i’ll sweat it out, overdose on optimism and wait -

with bated breath and sweaty paws

until you’ve turned the last leaf of this bad boy.

but if if you like it, good. you deserve cake. you don’t...if the fruits of my labour leave you frothing at the mouth like a naug hty otter herderd

into a cage, then it’s ok. you’re compl etely entitled to your retarded opinio n.


help me!

ok go on. how’d you do it?

what? what is it?

ke oh you’re a I feel li n. mental you ui ng a pe of are. good n ui ng pe A ! and proper. all things


actually that’s pretty awesome. well played.

in the the news media is a selfish beast. for too long we’ve been forced to read about rookie reporters, balding football stars & multi-million dollar whores whoring themselves to other whores, .. allowing these gems to slip under the radar.

man arrested for walking pet owl in daylight -too-t/story-11664957-detail/story. html

five killer whales named as plaintiffs in US lawsuit

6 -us-canada-1692086

australian flashes the queen. rits-outraged-at-Queens-mooning-in-Brisbane

# street art shout out # this issue’s street art shout out goes to lister. i put a lot of thought into it, deliberated over one or ten beers and strolled down many of east london’s streets with a forlorn look on my face. but i’m happy with my decision. this little treat of michael jackson slash warewolf was the nail in the coffin. too soon? nah. just plain dominating? fuck yes son.

an alphabet of reasons why you should buy...

wesome for poker

etter than blueblockers oor lens uts out need for snap-on outd

oubt they’ll be stolen any time soon ffortlessly festive ive times better than a monocle ood for robberies and petty crimes

elps distract from baldness would think you're awesome ust keeps giving issing mingas slightly less repulsive oot in full daylight without fear of retinal identification inimises sun's harsh glare othing says pussy magnet like transition lenses

ity ffers more freedom and flexibil

than regular eyewear

transition lenses

upil protection regardless of location uick fix for sunlight woes

ed eye a thing of the past un = 0; you = 1 ake a nap and no one will notice ndeniably awesome k ulnerable yet suave loo

andering eye capability enhanced

-ray vision an added bonus this up) (i can’t back

ou could make your own holster for them

ily concealed its near the eyes eas

i know you’re jealous.

ined words). top five jords (jo

tranma (tranny granny).

1. 2. 3. 4. 5.

facon (fake bacon)

cankle (when calf meets ankle)

steakon & eggs (steak, bacon & eggs) tank (topless skank)

top five race horse names

1. 2. 3. 4. 5.

hello newman stunt cunning panty raid no speed no feed

tit’n your girdle

top five moustaches.

franz-josef I what else can I say apart from the fact you just gotta respect the fuzz this austro-hungarian walrus rocked.

samuel l. jackson bad mother freddy mercury your man freddy didn’t need a mo - he was already more than a little bit awesome. but he grew one anyway. why? because he could. well played.

dr fu manchu w.h.a.t.a.m.o.

charlie chaplin hitler was a twat and chaplin had the walnuts to tell the americans the craic...while simultaneously donnning a toothbrush the fuhrer could only dream of. wicked.

paul gygi

the challenge

my mate max and i had a challeng e. we smoked a few beers, drank a few ciggies and got our dirty dirty mitts on various maga zines. my job was to find a sentence for a max to base a photograph on, and he had to find me words to include in a paragraph.

game on boss.

dear pete

dear pete, how do I ask my girlfriend her twin sister should join us in bed? - johnny dear pete, leaves my boyfriend ard be s hi in food and takes the it whole ‘saving ke too for later’ jo love seriously. i a pig ’s he t bu him of a man. ? what can i do - sandi

sandi, a your boyfriend’s legend. - pete

johnny, tell her you’ve already slept with her sister so the next logical step would be to have an orgy with her, her sister and her mum. back yourself. - pete

dear pete,

dear pete, i love sleeping with girls but can’t stand their morning after back chat. thoughts? - mike mike, i recommend the trusty tap’n’gap. sleep with her, ask for a beer, drink the beer, and then hot-foot it out of the closest window once she’s asleep. this handy number got me a motherload of STDs but it was totally worth it. - pete

i’m a 29 year old virgin. for the love of fucking god help me. - chad chad, what kind of piss-poor excuse of a name is chad? no wonder you can’t get the pussy. - pete

e? d m e n i f th f ou o y s did nt re ri e p h w ot fo e h t e ac tr lp he

g in ay sw

g do

me dressed as sloth from the goonies.

the swaying dog  

the swaying dog was created to make all of your dreams come true.

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