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Litterlouts Labelled “Mean and Selfish” by Small Child ANTONIA Jenkinson, who is only eight years old, verbally attacked suspected youths who smashed bottles and left litter on her school field. Antonia, who attends Court de Wyck Primary School, discovered empty cans, plastic and smashed glass bottles when she went to ride her new bike on the school field at the weekend, when it is open to the community. The outraged Year 3 pupil said “I felt very angry and upset. It isn't fair that people leave their litter all over the field.” “There was also smashed glass all over the playground. The people who did that are either just too lazy to put their litter in the bin or are mean and selfish and are spoiling other children's fun.” It took the school's caretaker, Derek Green, more than an hour to clear the rubbish from the field and playground to make it safe for pupils. The hero of the hour said that the “broken glass was the biggest problem. I was able to spot it because I was looking for it, but it could have been nasty if someone had fallen on it.” But it wasn’t just limited to leaving rubbish on the floor. Oh no! Mr Green also revealed that he also “had to clean some of the windows here as pizzas were thrown at them.” The prospective sleuth went further though. Damning clues were left behind, including train tickets, “suggesting that the people who left the litter had travelled on the train and came from outside the area.” Give this man a prize! Headteacher of the school, Nick Riddiough, said he was proud of Antonia. “We are proud of her for taking an interest in her community.” "We put a lot of effort into keeping it clean, tidy and safe and encourage the community to use the fields." Antonia is unfortunately too late to enter the current election (after all, it has already happened), but one would expect to see her name on the ballot paper next time around. Well, she will have to successfully navigate the first few years of secondary school, widely regarded as the testing ground for the equally immature parliament.

EXIT polls that mean nothing; queues at polling stations after they have shut; polling stations that have run out of ballot papers; airwaves being filled with nothing but repetitive ramblings about nothing to do with anything. At the end of the day, it just makes you hate how much better American elections are, with all their razzmatazz. With a hung parliament, we’re being told that it’s an “economic disaster”, “not representational of the populous” as the main three parties squabble and fight for the right to govern the country. All lay claim, whilst all rejecting the others ability. But as the days and weeks unfold, will we see the end of the world or a new dawn? On a clear and brighter note, my local MP, Steve Webb, was re-elected with 25,032 votes, with a majority of 7,116. Despite boundary changes and a 20 year old “good looking” woman running against him, the success is a relief for those in the Thornbury and Yate constituency where he has served admirably. But this relief is contrasted with the disappointment of Dan Norris’ loss in Somerset North East, where his challenger Jacob Rees-Mogg won with an extra 4,914 votes. This can be hard to take for some, but with a turnout of 76% in the area, it’s clear that at least people have got off their feet and voted, with the final vote what the majority wanted. As for the idiots that couldn’t vote as they were too late: you had a whole day! Why leave it so late? Next time, vote first thing before work. Pictured: Steve Webb in one of his Westminster photos. His success was not mirrored by other Liberal Democrats in other areas of the country, causing his party to stall from their post-debate popularity.

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Friday, 7 May, 2010 – Issue 3 Written and Produced by Matt Reed. No Copyright obviously.

DISAPPOINTMENT AFTER NOONE DECLARED WINNER IN “PULSATING” ELECTION


“Fraudsters Golden Age” After Lottery Lets Silver Surfers Online SILVER surfers are online and ready to get defrauded through emails thanks to a £10,000 grant from the National Lottery. The first eight sheltered housing schemes in the Stroud district have had a communal computer and broadband installed, giving elderly residents free access to the internet. It is part of an ambitious project by the United Sheltered Housing Panel (USAP (I don’t understand where they get the A from either)), a tenant group for the Stroud district, to get computers in all 28 council run schemes eventually in a bid prevent social isolation and encourage use of modern technology. Facebook will never be the same again. At a special meeting held last week, the oldest serving member of USAP, Edna Binding, cut the ribbon around the new computer, webcam and printer at Dryleaze Court, in Wotton-under-Edge (thieves take note), which was one of the schemes picked out of the hat to get one of the eight sets of equipment. Edna, 76, a tenant of Cambridge House in Dursley, said: “I think this is an excellent project. I have certainly tried to use the internet although I find it difficult to use. My grandchildren are always telling me to get on the internet and join up to Facebook, but I don’t think I’m quite ready for Facebook – not at my age.” Facebook maintain that it is open to people of all ages, races, colours and creeds, but whether you really want your grandparents or parents as your friends is rather debatable. Pauline Simpson, chairwoman of USAP, said that the main idea behind this scheme was to enable people to the internet “for emails, gaining information, shopping, hobbies, healthcare and Skype to contact relatives around the world.” The Lower Kingshill Management Committee, a committee for the sake of a committee, has started running courses in basic computer skills for residents in the schemes, which have already been taken up by some first-time silver surfers. On the likelihood of the majority of the new users providing bank details to a nice and friendly Nigerian from the Nigerian Lottery Fund, one passerby asked “have they not already?”

Horrifying Details Revealed About Fire That Ravaged Store

Tofu Screw Screws Company

A FOOD manufacturer has been fined a meagre £1,500 after a potentially murderous screw was IN last week’s issue, this intrepid reporter braved the found in a tofu burger. licking lips of a wild fire on Thornbury’s busy High Street Naturemade Limited was prosecuted after a to bring you news as it was happening. After much local resident reported she had found the large investigation, the full story is ready to be told. metal screw when she bit into the burger. The true saviour is the much loved John Investigations led to a food production Riddiford, whose open all hours store is the facility in South Molton, Devon. Officers neighbouring property. investigating the factory found very poor standards Mr Riddiford, of Riddiford’s Grocery Store, was of hygiene and numerous sources of similar packing up his shop last Thursday evening when a contaminants. member of staff noticed smoke coming from property The court picked on the Director of management company Hazelvine Limited’s offices. Naturemade Vicky Barfield. She was ordered to give John, who has been a member of Thornbury’s the judge a kiss on the cheek as well as pay £250 retained fire crew for 19 years, said: “When they said costs and a £15 victim support surcharge. there was a fire outside I was expecting a car or a bin but Sue Green, health, safety and food manager there was smoke pouring out of the first floor window.” at Bath and North East Somerset Council said: So a car on fire is more of a regular occurrence? “Traders and manufacturers have a responsibility to “I got my staff to call the fire brigade and I make sure that any headed down to the station. About halfway there my food they produce is pager went off telling me there was a fire. Once the crew safe for public all arrived at the station we headed back up to the High consumption.” Street.” Pictured: The A spokesman for Avon Fire and Rescue explained offending screw is that “an investigation into the fire found it to be shown here on accidental, with the most likely cause either an electrical holiday in China after fault or overloaded electrical socket.” Yet, it could still be it was released an elaborate plot to hide the truth. Maybe we need without charge eagle eye Derek Green.


Violence in Games Reaches New Heights as Beta Blows Fan Boy’s Brain SINCE September the 22nd, 2009, many Halo fans have been clinging onto their worthless ODST copies for one reason: for the chance to play the Reach Beta. If none of this first paragraph has meant anything to you, you might as well just stop reading this altogether. Not being harsh, but it’s not really worth your time! Back to the original topic, the release of Halo: Reach for multiplayer beta testing has excited some in the online community so much, it’s as if they’ve finally seen a girl’s breast in the flesh. I try to avoid such giddy delight, but on Monday I felt like a teenager having a lap dance. Admittedly the two hour download did grind my gears as it were, but such was the demand, coupled with my painfully slow internet, one can hardly be surprised with such a wait. Whilst I twiddled my thumbs, others raged with the inability to connect to games as the surge on servers grew. Surely teething problems for what could be described as a DLC. So what of the basics? The graphics don’t exactly blow the player away (realistically only a super computer running Crysis will blow someone away), whilst the physics engine improvements barely bring it into line with Half-Life 2. But then this is a Beta, so we can hardly expect a polished game. However, there are many facets that are worth singing about. The weapon sets/perks add a much needed new dimension to the game, with greater variety in player types altering the dynamics of a map from game to game. Moreover, the new Covenant weapons work effectively and entertainingly. Yet not all weapons live up to what you believe, predominantly the Marksman Rifle that only works effectively in Team SWAT matches. But this contrasts with the return of the scoped pistol, also the improved shotgun. So what’s the verdict? It will be a must buy once again, one of the few titles that still captures the original console’s essence. But it won’t entice those that don’t already admire the series. The way that it plays and feels suggests that it will predominantly preach to the quire, rather than convert the heathens. A steady distillation towards perfection seems to be Bungie’s goal, with no doubt further Halo titles coming out in the coming years. How can they ignore a cash cow like the desperate fan boy? Square Enix does it, Nintendo does it, Sony does it, the Conservative party do it (oooo political!).

Some Title For The Pointless Story Goes Here, Whatever it is A COMMUNITY arts project has been singled out as the best in the country after winning a top award for the third time. A groundbreaking art project run by Prema Arts Centre in Uley has just been awarded the Drawing Inspiration Award from the Campaign to Draw. The project, called LifeSIZE: Dawin’s Drawing Room, worked to reach out to children and adults who wouldn’t usually consider themselves artists, but who benefited from the therapeutic or creative aspects of drawing. Artist Imogen Harvey-Lewis, a regular teacher at Prema, ran the project helping home-educated children, patients with depression and mild illnesses and school pupils. “The success of the project was really down to the basics of inclusivity. It was a simple idea, not at all high brow or off-putting like some art can be. It was about pulling in people on the periphery who didn’t think art was for them.” “In this project I would say yes, you can do it, art can be for you.” Imogen spent time with over 700 adults and children creating life size animals which were put on display at Prema Arts Centre. The impact that schemes like these can have on the lives of those that participate can often be substantial, building confidence and friendships as well as showing them that they too have a talent to create. Imogen will be presented with the award and a commemorative certificate designed by illustrator Quentin Blake at the British Museum in London on May 24. The project was one of three selected from more than 1,500 other projects that took place in the UK and other parts of the world. Pictured: Halo: Reach Beta players using their time productively, here trying to give a high five. Fun times!

Free Me News - Issue 3  

The third issue of the Free Me News publication, following on from the first two issues of Free Me News.