Anonymous, Untitled

Untitled

by Anonymous The house is empty, the children are gone, the husband is working, the dogs, resting. No noises around me but the air pushing through the vents and the electric fireplace automatically turning on and off. My brain hurts. My mind is blank, as blank as the untouched snow still blanketing the grass in my backyard. All that I see in front of me, are my folders of papers, textbooks, and my laptop. My laptop screen, staring back at me with an empty Word document, its cursor blinking in and out, as it is asking me, “What are you waiting for, why are you not typing yet? Your paper is due on Sunday.” What was I thinking? I am thinking, you are 38, you are too old. You have four kids, you are too busy and bills, they do not pay themselves. You have a full-time job that you cannot stop working! School? School! When do you have time for school? Full-time school, with computer programs, most that you have not used or touched in over twenty years! How will you keep up with technology? You are so behind on technology; you are Facebook old. What is TikTok? I am just figuring out Instagram. There are word documents that you do not even know how to format, and emails on top of your thousands of emails that you cannot keep up with to delete. Then there’s WebEx, what’s WebEx? It is not the same as Microsoft Teams? What is this Telepresence class? I am paying to go to class, to watch an instructor teach me on a screen? I can join class remotely, but what if my house gets too noisy, and my internet connection gets too slow? I can come to campus? What if I am running behind at work because my color took longer than I expected, or my client decided to show up late? What if I cannot get to school on time? How do I sit for hours when I have never known how to be stationary? How will I stay up during class, especially the ones that spark no interest to my brain? Then, there are the never-ending Blackboard Lesson plans, due dates, textbook readings, and two-page essays on anything and nothing comes to mind? What if my schoolwork does not reflect my stylist work, what if it is not perfection? Will I dwell in the misery of failing and fall into an abyss of whatifs? When I do fall, will I be able to pull myself out? Who will supervise my children with their e-learning? Who will take them to their appointments? Will the kids remember to feed the dogs and take them out? And then there is dinner, who will feed my starving family? My mind is running a marathon, at a mile a minute, over the hills and through the valleys. My mind is all over the place. My head is throbbing with a new kind of madness as I am trying so hard to process everything. It is as if you were standing still in the middle of a six-way intersection, just staring as the cars whiz by. The world around you, never skipping a beat and you not being able to follow. I stop, I close my eyes, I inhale, I exhale, I sit down and snap myself back to reality. I tell myself to turn my brain off, just for a minute, stop overthinking, start breathing and push through this next chapter of my life. I remind myself about my two-year plan, and then my five-year plan. This is the way to get through my two to my five. I am reminded that you are never too old for school, there is always someone older. Lots of students have kids, many have little ones, yours are grown. At least yours can fend for themselves and you do not have to worry about childcare. The pantry is stocked with ramen,

bread, and Spaghetti-os, the fridge, stocked with eggs, and Kwik Trip is just down the road. Besides, if they need anything, remind them that there are two parents in this home. Speaking of the husband, he supports you in everything you do, a thousand percent, many are not so lucky.

Most of these students, your peers, work to survive, and they are in school. Some are the same and some doing even more. If they can do it, you can too! Take my schoolwork to work, work fewer hours if I can, come in late, leave early, take a break, and read a book. Keep my camera on during meetings so that I will not have the option to fall asleep or wander. If I cannot make it to class, I can always email my instructors. We are all adults, they will understand. You are always on the go, go, go, so it is ok to be stationary once in a while. If you really need to move, stretch your arms, stand up, walk around. Even though I am behind on technology, so is everyone else, it is constantly evolving, we will be forever constantly learning to catch up. Writing, speaking, and interactions are not my strong suits, but I can learn to be bold and speak up outside my social circle. I have an army of proofreaders behind me and I already know who I am picking for my voiceovers. I am surrounded by a variety of talents that I have at my beck and call. I am doing this for my children. I am doing this for my family. I am doing this for our future. I want to live the dream of all dreams. I want to travel the world with absolutely no worries, and I want to live a life of financial freedom and financial security with nothing holding me back. I am doing this for me. There are many students out there. Traditional, non-traditional, young, and old, and of all sorts and backgrounds. They are struggling as they try to juggle this new world. There are many that are going through the same motions that I am going through. There are many feeling the same thoughts and feeling as I am. There are many perfectionists out there like me who will learn that it is ok to not be perfect, that is how you learn. I am not the only one entering into this world of the unknown. Others before me have survived this, I too will overcome this. The finish line seems like it is impossible to reach, but in all reality, it will be here before we know it. These next two years will fly by so fast. I am not alone in this journey. I can do this, and I will do this.