Chelsie Pickel, September 5th, 2018

September 5th, 2018

by Chelsie Pickel There are 365 days in one year. Every year our birthdays come and go. It is easy to assume we all know our birthday, but every year we pass through the day we will die without any clue when that might be. I had 18 perfectly normal September 5ths before, but that 19th one would change everything. September 5th, 2018 was the worst day of my life. That was the day my sister died. It was a Wednesday like any other. The sun shines bright as it weaves around the curtain to meet my eyes. I tumble out of bed and put on the first pair of pants and tee shirt I drew out of the laundry basket. I skip down the stairs, grab a mountain dew, and walk out the door.

As I’m approaching the Walmart parking lot, I notice there is nowhere to park, like usual. I fit my car in the stall at the very outskirts of the lot and start my trek towards the front door. I get through the doors, and I’m instantly overwhelmed with the sound of squeaky wheels and children crying because they can’t get the toy they want. My walk to the backroom consisted of answering the same questions: Where would I find this? Can you point me in the direction of that? Not even on the clock yet, and my job has begun. Finally, after finishing my half marathon throughout the store I get to the back and punch in. Hours are going by, well, like hours. I was assigned to the self-checkout bullpen on the north side of the store, this was the busier side. Constant movement, “Hello, how are you doing today? Did you accidentally put that one on there twice? I can take those hangers out of the way for you.” I have to single-handedly monitor 20 customers at one time assuring they all get the assistance they need while at the same time making sure everyone is honest. It’s almost time for my last break when I notice my manager walking towards me with a familiar-looking woman. I couldn’t put my finger on it. Was she an angry customer? What did I do this time?

My manager starts by asking me, “Do you know her?” Before she could finish her sentence and before I could even process what the question was the lady interrupts. “I work with your mom; your sister has been in a car accident.” These words are hollow, they hold no meaning, I had no idea what she was saying to me. How did she know my sister, and how did she know she was in a car accident? That doesn't make any sense, I just saw her the other day, no way, this was someone else. She had to have mistaken me for someone else.

“Amanda?” I said after giving her a blank stare not knowing how to respond. “Yes, I already picked up Eli and took him to the hospital to meet your mom, we need to go, it’s not looking good.” My manager told me to go clock out and they would find someone to replace me later. I walk to the back, at least I assume I did, I don’t remember telling my legs to carry me there. But I must’ve because I had my backpack and I was walking out the door with my mom's coworker.

What does a car accident even mean? Maybe she just ran into someone; she was not a very good driver. I mean, how bad could it be? She’ll be fine. I hope my niece wasn’t with her. No, she had to be with her father. Amanda knew better than to do something stupid with her baby in the car. The hospital isn’t very far from my work, so why was this the longest car ride of my life? Look at all of the people just casually driving to work, or going to the grocery store. Can’t they move out of the way? Don’t they get that I’m trying to get to the hospital? Time felt like it was moving in slow motion like I was stuck in some stupid movie. I just wanted to fast forward and get to the end already. She parks right in front of the emergency room doors, and I stumble out of the car. When I walk into the building, everything is calm. Why is it so peaceful in here? This is the emergency room, there is an emergency. My mom's coworker must’ve told them who I was there to see. They opened up the doors and escorted me to a room that had my family in it. I walk into the room and it’s quiet. There is a long table and everyone is sitting there, it looks like we are waiting. I see an empty seat by mom and assume that is for me. I look around the room and I see everyone is here, my brothers, my mom, my sister's dad and his wife, my niece, and this strange lady I’ve never seen before. My niece walks over to me and wants to sit on my lap.

“Did you get a chance to see mommy yet?” She asks me. “Not yet Lex, I just got here, Chippy doesn’t know what’s going on.” My niece is only six at the time, she calls me Chippy because that’s easier than saying my name. She doesn’t understand what is happening, she just knows that her mommy doesn’t feel good, I wished I shared the blissful ignorance of a six-year-old. “I’m thirsty.” She decided to follow up her question with this half statement half demand.

“Ok Lex, I’ll get you a cup of water.” It’s a hospital, they have to have water somewhere. “I can show you where if you’d like?” The strange lady says to me. I forgot about her. We walk out of the room and she shows me to a little water dispenser with those coneshaped paper cups, such an impractical design, cone-shaped cups. I take this opportunity to ask who she was and if she had any sort of information on how my sister was doing. “I am a chaplain for the hospital. Your sister, I believe, was in a car accident, that is all I

know.”

“Do you know where she is? No one has told me anything.” “Oh, I’m sorry, but she has passed away.” My body goes numb. How can she be dead? That just doesn’t make any sense? I just saw her on Friday. She just got back into town from a road trip down to Texas. I saw her a couple of weeks before that, she would come into Walmart to buy groceries all of the time. My only sister. Is gone?

My mind is somehow simultaneously running a million miles an hour and not running at all, I am going too fast that everything is still. This kind of stuff happens on tv, you hear it on the news, people dying from a car crash, a house fire, they drown at the lake. That stuff is on the tv. That doesn’t happen in real life.

She lets me take a minute out in the hallway while she delivers the water to my niece. I need to breathe. I pinch myself, sounds cliche right? Making sure I’m not dreaming, this doesn’t feel real, it was worth a try. I walk back into the room and she must’ve told them about our conversation because my mom was in tears. She apologizes for not telling me, she had just assumed I knew already. She just kept apologizing. I didn’t know this at the time but my mom blamed herself. She was the first one at the hospital. She gets there as they are trying to resuscitate. Chest compressions, pushing epi, shocking her, repeat. My mom screams, “How long are you going to keep going?” Unfortunately, my mom is a nurse. She knows a little too much about what is happening medically to her daughter. My mom had to make a decision that no mother should ever have to do. She had to tell them to stop. She rushes over to her side and holds her hand as they pronounce the time of death.

I don’t cry. Why am I not crying? Someone I had known for 19 years, has died. She no longer exsists. She is a memory. I am already forgetting what her voice sounded like. I just sit here, holding my mom, I’m letting her cry on my shoulder. A doctor walks in the room and asks if we wanted to go say our goodbyes before they take the body. It felt like such a cold sentence. They are just going to pack her up like a piece of cargo and ship her off somewhere? I try to mentally prepare myself. I have never seen a dead body before, not like this. I’ve seen old people who passed away peacefully in their sleep, resting in a casket. Never had I seen a car crash victim, and never had I been told it was my sister. After we said our goodbyes, we just leave. What else was there to do? All of us were driven there so we had to walk to my mom’s work down the street to grab her car and tell her boss what had happened. As we are walking, I made the conscious decision to walk in between my mom and the road out of fear that she may try to jump. I hold her hand to steady her, giving her gentle reminders when there is a curb coming up. Her mind seemed like it was elsewhere.

While my mom was discussing her bereavement with her boss, I took this opportunity to make a phone call to my dad. My older three siblings had a different father than my other brother and I did. That of course did not stop my dad from being a good stepfather to my older siblings when my parents were married. It certainly did not mean that my father didn’t care for my sister.

“Hello?” my dad said half asleep. I hadn’t realized that it was late. “Hey dad, sorry to wake you.” “That’s ok sweetie, what’s wrong?” He asked, half snoring still. “Amanda was in a car accident.”

“Oh no, is she ok?” He starts to wake up.

“No.” My voice doesn’t break, I sound cold.

Silence. It had never been so loud. I can’t imagine what my father is thinking. Maybe he thinks he is still dreaming. Finally, he thinks of the only thing anyone really can say at a time like this: “I am so sorry, sweetie.” “Yeah. Me too.”

We didn’t talk much after that; I just told him I loved him and I’ll talk to him more tomorrow. My mom is ready to head home, for the first time in my life she is letting me drive home.

We get home and I’m also exhausted. I try to lay down, but my eyes won’t close. I decide to go check on my mom and see how she is doing, I don’t feel comfortable leaving her alone. Somehow, I think she knew because the next minute she comes to my bedroom door. “Please tell me it was a bad dream.” My mom begged, “Tell me I just woke up from the worst dream of my life.” I want nothing more than to be able to say that we had just shared a horrific dream. I wish I could call my sister’s phone and she would be cranky that I woke her up in the middle of the night. I wish I could go on to have a perfectly normal September 6th, like every other year. Unfortunately, the universe is not so kind. You never know what is to come. One day will be your normal, everyday Wednesday. The next will be the worst day of your life.