77 NEW PRODUCTS?
that's crazy talk!*
Oh, hello. Have we met? Name’s Mr. Manager, but my friends call me Tim. Charmed, I’m sure. So, a little bit about me: after a number of record-breaking years in the tuna biz, I was ready to pounce on a new opportunity. And when the kind folks at Whiskey River Soap Co. dropped me a line, I just knew it would be a purr-fect fit. Do I love being manager? I love string, I love alley rumbles, I love catnip, I love my job, I love laser pointers. And I love these seventy-seven new products. I’ve had my paws all over them.
Cover model Aisling gets her big break in this issue, after years of working small gigs in local periodicals. 2
*How dare you question my math skills? There’s really 77 new products, I know how to use a calculator. Jeez.
My name’s Tom, and I’m the real manager. Did you actually believe we had a cat in charge all this time? (Wait, don’t answer that.) I am totally psyched to be here, and I’m already working to refine our production operations so we can get more great stuff out to you, and do it faster. Let’s make 2022 an awesome year.
Aisling was thinking about her dinner in this pic.
Vintage film scans from Tom’s 1984 Ohio to Florida bicycle trek. Anyone else feeling Ted Lasso vibes?
COLLECTIONS CONCRETE CANDLES
MADE IN CHINA. CAUTION: Keep out of reach of children and pets. Hang freely to avoid staining of any surrounding area. Do not allow contact to upholstery, plastic, painted or varnished surfaces. Do not hang as to obstruct driver’s view.
© WHISKEY RIVER SOAP CO. • www.whiskeyriversoap.com
✓ Dog people suck ✓ Lint rollers in the car an air freshener for cat people
✓ My cat has an Instagram
warm milk scent
cat people ca n dl e
vintage paint can Candles
personal space rulers
how to order Contact your local sales rep, or if you don’t know who the heck that is, give us a shout or send an email to firstname.lastname@example.org and we’ll help you get connected. 4
68 W. Main St.
TEL: (740) 973-9817
Newark, OH 43055
Open 9 AM - 5 PM, M-F
Pages 58-73 S O A P
N OV E M B E R 21 - D E C E M B E R 21
Smells like a disappearing act WANDERING WHITE TEA N E T W T. 6 O Z / 17 0 G
pencils Pages 26-33
DISPLAYS & info
Concrete Candles If you know anything about us, you know we keep it real; none of that fancy-schmancy stuff here, folks. That’s why we made sure to spice up these beautiful handmade concrete vessels with a heavy helping of our trademark snarky sense of humor. Concrete Candles: Hand-poured candles in a handmade concrete vessel. Made with 100% soy wax and custom fragrance blends. 14 styles, sold in 3-packs. Dimensions: xx" D xx" H. Burn time: 40 hours.
DIRTY MARGARITA CC- B A L
SMOKED ROSEMARY BOURBON SOUR CC- B E S
FRENCH RIVERA COCKTAIL CC- C A L
WEED-INFUSED IPA CC- CO U
BLUEBERRY WISTERIA WHISKEY SOUR CC- FA M
CINNABOMB COCKTAIL CC- FO R
LAVENDER MARTINI CC- H O P
APPLE BRANDY HOT TODDY CC- M I N
FRENCH MARTINI CC- M O D
FRENCH CONNECTION COCKTAIL CC- N E V
EARL GREY TEA COCKTAIL CC- P OS
DEATH IN THE AFTERNOON COCKTAIL CC-STI
BLACK ROSE COCKTAIL CC-TR S
CAFÉ AU LAIT CC-TR T
If there’s one thing we love here at Whiskey River Soap, it’s dropping F-bombs like they’re going out of style. (They aren’t, by the way.) But we recognize that some folks out there like to keep it a little more, shall we say, PG-13. These candles are for them. And for everyone, dang it!
Anti-Cursing Paint Can Candles: 12-ounce soy wax candles hand-poured into paint cans designed with vintage-style labels. Candle can size: 3 ¼″ D × 3 ⅞″ H. Burn time: 40 hours. 4 different paint can candle styles sold in 3-packs. 9
COUNTRY FRESH SCENT (BUTTER AND MARGARINE)
OFF-BRAND BOXED WINE (WHITE PEACH, ORANGE ZEST, & APPLE)
WHAT THE HECK
SILENT SPRING (FRESHLY CUT GRASS)
MYSTERY FLAVOR (TROPICAL)
Air Fresheners Know what stinks? Not you! Now that you have your very own candle air freshener to haul around with you, people will quit pinching their noses and running for the hills. Hopefully. You still have to occasionally bathe, you know. Air Fresheners: 20 different candle air fresheners with unique scents. Air freshener size: 3 1/2″ W × 3″ H; package size: 5 1/2″ W × 6 1/2″ H. Double-sided, full-color. Sold in packs of 4. 11
New! air fresheners
CAFFEINE ADDICTS COFFEE SHOP SCENT
THE COOL AUNT JUICY GOSSIP SCENT
DAD JOKES BANANA SCENT
It’S ONLY FRICKIN’ TUESDAY MINT SCENT
MILITARY WIVEs CHAOTIC KUMQUAT SCENT
OUTDOOR PEOPLE SUMMER CAMP SCENT
✓ Dog people suck ✓ Lint rollers in the car an air freshener for cat people
✓ My cat has an Instagram
warm milk scent
cat people ca n dl e
calm the f down RAIN STICK SCENT
cat people WARM MILK SCENT
teachers POISONED APPLE SCENT
trophy husband TRICKED-OUT PORSCHE SCENT
zero fucks CREAMSICLE SCENT
classy af DRY SHAMPOO SCENT
dog people GRASSY DOG PARK SCENT
it's fine PLAIN TAP WATER SCENT
middle child CRAZY GRAPE SCENT
namaste CALMING LAVENDER SCENT
okay moms SIPPY CUP WINE SCENT
redheads SPICY CIDER SCENT
shit shows FIREBALL SHOTS SCENT
social anxiety VODKA VITAMIN WATER SCENT
WTF Air Fresheners SO
MADE IN CHINA © 2021 WHISKEY RIVER SOAP COMPANY
P COM PA
SURFACES. DO NOT HANG AS TO OBSTRUCT DRIVER’S VIEW. HANG FREELY TO AVOID STAINING OF ANY SURROUNDING
CAUTION: KEEP OUT OF REACH OF CHILDREN AND PETS.
C ROW D E D E L E VATO RS • M I D D L E S C H O O L • BA RGA I N SUS H I
also perfect for
I really do. It’s just that… you kinda reek. But don’t worry, I got this air freshener you can wear as a necklace. Problem solved!
I FU C K I N G LOVE YO U Pomegranate Champagne
WTF CANDLE AIR FRESHENER Whiskey River Soap Company
What the actual fuck is that smell? Who gives a shit. Just cover it up with one of our new air fresheners, complete with your favorite four-letter word. WTF Air Fresheners: 5 different curse word candle air fresheners with unique scents. Air freshener size: 2 ¾″ W × 4″ H; package size: 10 cm W × 15 cm H. Double-sided, full-color. Sold in packs of 4.
FUCK THIS AMARETTO SOUR SCENT WT1-F 7
I FUCKING LOVE YOU POMEGRANTE CHAMPAGNE SCENT WT2-F 7
FUCK YEAH BLUEBERRY BOURBON FIZZ SCENT WT5-F 7
SALTY BITCHES SALTY DOG COCKTAIL SCENT WT6-F 7
WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK? CUCUMBER-ALOE DAIQUIRI SCENT WT4-F 7
Subtext New! Greeting Cards We all love greeting cards right? And eating straight from the garbage, Costanza-style? No, just me? Alright, whatever. Loser. At least I don’t meet guys in the woods behind the old folk’s home. Yet. Subtext Greeting Cards: 12 different greeting cards with pretty pictures and unexpected subtextual meaning. Card size (folded): 4 ¼″ W × 5 ½″ H. Blank inside. Includes envelope and poly bag sleeve. Sold in packs of 6.
NEVER HAD ANY DREAMS
AMPUTATED FOOT ST-FOOT
DASH OF ROUNDUP ST-ROUNDUP
TOOTHBRUSH SURPRISE ST-TOOTHBRUSH
IMAGINARY FRIEND ST-FRIEND
CARDS ARE A SCAM ST-SCAM
TRASH CAN FOOD ST-TRASH
FEDERAL PRISON ST-PRISON
SHIT-FACED EVERY DAY ST-SHITFACED
GUYS IN THE WOODS ST-WOODS
Astrology Birthday Cards We consider ourselves the world’s foremost authority on all things astrology. Seriously, we do. And we’d like to see anyone make a case that these tear ’n’ share birthday cards don’t describe each sign to a T. You just consider yourself lucky we decided to make these suckers. You’re welcome.
Astrology Birthday Week Cards: 12 different astrology sign themed birthday cards with tear-off affirmations. Card size (folded): 5″ W × 7″ H. Blank inside. Includes envelope and poly bag sleeve. Sold in packs of 6. 18
New! who would you rather? Fuck, Marry, Kill, as described by Wikipedia (sorry, teachers), is a popular social forced-choice question and answer game that has existed for decades. In the game, one person poses three names, typically either names of people in their personal lives, or names of celebrities. The other person then has to decide which of the three they would have sexual intercourse with, which one they would marry, and which one they would kill. The game has variously been described as “tasteless” and “juvenile”, which is obviously why we chose to create this awesome candle set. Fuck, Marry, Kill Candles: Soy wax candle. Burn time: 40 hours. Jar size: 2 ¾″ D × 3 ½″ H. Box size: xx Set of all 3 candles in 4-packs.
fuck, MARRY, KILL FMK-SET
Fragrance notes of sandalwood, opium, and amber
Fragrance notes of resin, orange blossom, and rose
Fragrance notes of grapefruit, kumquat, and tropical flowers
Rules say you have to choose.
Hey look, a box! 23
Ever wish you could simply light a magic candle and make all your dreams come true? Well, you still can’t. Sorry, kid. (Bet you still believe in the Tooth Fairy, too.) But hey, it never hurts to try, does it? Trust me, I’ve been burning the Success candle for a week now. Idk, I’m feeling kinda lucky!
happiness CAUTIOUSLY CONTENT MC-HAP
sex appeal SUDDENLY SEXY MC-SEX
karma NEARLY NIRVANIC MC-KAR
Notes of basil, lime, and grapefruit
Notes of oak, rose, and leather
Notes of jasmine, cinnamon, and pink peppercorn
Magic Half-Pints: Soy wax candle. Burn time: 40 hours. Half-pint can size: 2 ¾″ D × 3″ H. Net weight: 8 ounces. Sold in 4-packs.
success TOTALLY THRIVING MC-SUC
stardom FINALLY FAMOUS MC-STA
zen SERIOUSLY SERENE MC-ZEN
Notes of lime, sage, and peppermint
Notes of lavender, ocean breeze, and vanilla
Notes of patchouli, warm wood, and orange
Ambiance Hey, know what this situation is severely lacking? That’s right. AMBIANCE. And boy have we got the perfect travel candle tins to give any emergency a little more aura! Emergency Ambiance Travel Tins: 100% soy wax scented with fragrance oils. Burn time: 4 one-hour emergency burns. Comes with “Emergency Ambiance” pack of matches under lid. Stainless steel tin size: 3 ⅛″ D × 1 ⅛″ H. 20 different 3-ounce candle styles sold in 4-packs.
Handy Travel Tins!
forgot to pay the electric
out of vodka
bring your own ambiance.
EDIBLES KICKED IN
EVIL PRESENCE DETECTED
FUCK ALL Y'ALL
FUCK THIS MEETING
I MISS MY DOG
MERCURY IN RETROGRADE
NOT ENOUGH CATS
PARTY FOR ONE
PLEASE STOP TALKING
THIS PLAYLIST SUCKS
Wanna get your puzzle on? We’ve been hooked on these timewasters for months now. And when winter hits? You can burn them for warmth. Puzzles: 1,000+ piece puzzles bagged and packed in sturdy, colorful boxes. Box size: 8″ × 10″. Puzzle size: 19 ½″ × 26 ⅞″. 6 different puzzle styles sold in 2-packs.
no fucks falls
shit show valley
BAD DECISION BLUFFS BAD-Z
FOMO MOUNTAIN FOM-Z
HOT MESS DESERT HOT-Z
THE ISLE OF SELF PITY SEL-Z
Vintage-Style Notes of blackberry, amber, and sweet tobacco flying fuck MIDNIGHT MAYDAY PAI-5
paint can candles Introducing the candles you didn’t know you needed... until right this second! Our new soy candles in vibrant vintage-style cans are tinted to look like you’ve just opened a fresh can of paint. Paint Can Candles: 12-ounce soy wax candles hand-poured into paint cans designed with vintage-style labels. Candle can size: 3 ¼″ D × 3 ⅞″ H. Burn time: 40 hours. 9 different paint can candle styles sold in 3-packs. 33
let that shit go SWEET RELEASE PAI-6
unfuck yourself MORNING DO-OVER PAI-7
Notes of cucumber, mint, and vanilla
Notes of coffee and sweet pastries
whoop ass SUCKER PUNCH PAI-8
f bombs BOMB POP PAI-9
Notes of lemon and coconut
Notes of cherry and lime
AW HELL NO
FIG, LEATHER, & TOBACCO FRAGRANCE
TRUFFLE BUTTER FRAGRANCE
OH FOR FUCK'S SAKE
BERGAMOT, TOBACCO, & YUZU FRAGRANCE
SMOKED VANILLA & TEAKWOOD FRAGRANCE
Who doesn’t love colored pencils? Turn that gray world Technicolor with our new Shit Show Colored Pencil Set. Colored Pencils: 8 brightly colored pre-sharpened pencils packed into a sturdy slide-out box. Box size: 7 ⅝″ H × 2 ⅝″ W × 1″ L. Sold in 4-packs.
SHIT SHOW PENCILS SHI-P
Some say that the pencil was inspired by the humble writing twigs used in ancient Mesopotamia, while some insist the first pencils originated high in the mountains of Tibet; others still postulate that the pencil always existed, it simply needed to be discovered. Here at Whiskey River Soap, we don’t really concern ourselves with all that history mumbo-jumbo, we’re too busy thinking up comedic quips for our made in USA pencil sets. Pencil Sets: 8-pack of standard No. 2 pencils made in the USA. Box size: 7 ½″ H × 2 ½″ W × ⅜″ L. Sold in 4-packs.
Pencils for cool dads
Pencils for the days of the week
Pencils for happy hour
Pencils for lefties
SO FUNNY, I FORGOT TO LAUGH Where in the heck are you and the other dads getting these so-called “jokes” from anyway, Corny Dads Quarterly? I mean, come on now… Does every conversation need a fart reference? Are you all a hive mind? I’m kidding, Dad. I totally respect the dad comedy. You’ve always said that money doesn’t grow on trees, but maybe dad jokes do!
WOW, WHAT A CONCEPT. No longer do you have an excuse not to use a fresh pencil each and every day! Plus, we’ve even included (at no extra cost) a handy Blursday pencil for those days when you can’t be bothered to figure out what day it actually is. And honestly, if you’re buying these pencils, that’s probably gonna be pretty often.
POUR ME ANOTHER, PLEASE. Ahhh, it’s finally that magical time of the day again: when you can put all your office woes aside and c rack open a cold one. Or twelve. Here’s to another chance to find the answers to life’s questions at the bottom of a bottle. So what if it’s only 10 AM, who says happy hour has to start at five, anyway? Just don’t tell Brent from HR, okay?
YOU’RE WEIRD... No, but seriously. Can you just suck it up and start using your right hand like everyone else in the developed world? You’re making us look bad with all your creativity and success. It’s like you’re part of a secret club we can never join. And frankly, the rest of us have the right to feel left out. See what I did there? That’s the best thing a right-hander can come up with. We need you weirdos.
Pencils with low self-esteem
Pencils for a midlife crisis
Pencils for GRAMMAR POLICE
Pencils for first world problems
CHEER UP, SILLY PENCIL! Life’s not so bad. There are still plenty of us out there who like you: elementary school kids, golfers, artists, and uhhh… did I say schoolchildren already? But hey, things could be worse. I mean, who wants to be a crayon, right? So hold your head high, humble pencil. You’ll always have a place in our hearts and at our desks… at least until we toss you out.
WHO SAYS EXISTENTIAL DREAD CAN’T BE FUN? Congratulations, you’ve made it to middle age! All those years of being “financially responsible” means you can finally buy a motorcycle and the bitchin’ leather jacket to match. Or maybe a year-long silent meditation retreat is more your speed. Either way, you’ve earned it, after all. At least that’s what you’re going to tell yourself on the way to surf camp.
YOUR ANNOYING. Ahahaha. It’s so easy to get under your skin. Just wanted to shoot a quick message to let you know how impressed we all are that you finally figured out the difference between your and you’re. Welcome to the grammar club, smarty pants. But as a club member, you now have to quit whining about other people’s grammatical errors. Trust me on this point, you’re still making some.
AWWWWW... I hear you’re having a bad day. First of all, your wifi sucks, so Shameless is totally lagging. Plus, it’s 95 outside but you’re shivering under a blanket because the AC is SO freezing, and now your gluten-free muffin was the BEST glutenfree muffin you’ve ever had until you realized they gave you the one with almonds. And we both know you said NO NUTS.
Pencils for the passive aggressive I’M FINE. I mean, if you want, I can write an essay detailing the extent to which I’m fine. I’ll even laminate the cover if you need me to do that, too. I don’t mind at all. If that’s what you need to prove that I’m fine, I’ll do it. Heck, I might even make it a book, find a publisher and go on Ellen to promote the release, proving how fine I am. I mean if that’s what you need. I’ll do it. PAS-P
Pencils for teachers
Pencils for the middle child
Pencils for truth
IT’S A SNOW DAY SOMEWHERE.... But not for you! You have another full day of dealing with other people’s children AND their classroom shenanigans. And it’s not that you don’t love teaching. It’s more that nobody truly appreciates all the garbage you go through just to do your job. Isn’t it time people started thanking YOU for YOUR service?
WHO ARE YOU AGAIN? The only thing worse than being unnoticed is being unnoticed when your hair i s neon purple and you dress like you’re from the Matrix. Um, hello? Being the first child ain’t all that. The only people who think so are: #1. My older sibling and #2. My dumb parents. All I haven’t even gotten to the part about the (cry)baby of the family. Oy.
I’M A FAKE VEGAN. Hey, wouldn’t it be nice if people just told the truth every once in a while? I mean, nobody wants to hear that Susan thinks your baby is weird looking, but does she have to go on and on about how ADORABLE he is, only to snicker with the entire Human Resources department behind your back? Susan, Susan, Susan. Just wait til you have a baby.
Pencils for the office
Pencils for writer's block
Pencils for zero fucks
Pencils for introverts
OH COOL. It’s Monday again. Feels like I just clocked out. Know what I love about Mondays? Nothing. In fifteen minutes, I’ll be sleeping with my eyes open for an hour-long meeting about employee morale followed by a “surprise” birthday cake and card everyone half-heartedly signs while doing a slow eye-roll. Which is the same eye-roll I’ll be making when I read it, ’cuz it’s my birthday and even that won’t fix a Monday.
TIRED OF FEELING LIKE A BONE-DRY HACK? So the wordsmith’s well has run dry? Try this pack of Writer’s Block pencils. If these pencils don’t help you churn out regurgitated ideas and probably a vampire, I’ll eat my hat. It’s a fedora, by the way. Cool vampires wear fedoras now. Put that in your crack pipe and smoke it. Or in your book. Either way, you’re gonna need these pencils ASAP. Even crap won’t write itself.
NO FUCKS. We hear you. You’re so over it you can’t even. This newlyconcocted bad attitude is just what the doctor ordered! Plus, none of us really liked it when you were just a simple, caring, average Joe. So kudos to you! Even though you couldn’t give a F. We know. Fresh out.
PEOPLE SUCK. That’s why you prefer to stay inside with your stuffed animal collection. But sometimes it’s a little hard to admit that in public. So we’ve carefully crafted a few extremely plausible excuses to get you out of all those pesky social obligations. Like happy hour. Your niece’s school play. Office parties. Your wedding.
Pencils for procrastinators TWO WEEKS. Go ahead, ask me anything. Invariably, the answer will be “two weeks.” Wondering when I’ll get my grades up? Two weeks. Get my grades up and start working out? Two weeks. Get my grades up, start working out, call my dad, visit my Nana in Florida, get married, buy a house, file for divorce, start my own business and run for office? Two weeks, pal. Two. Weeks.
Pencils for Boomers vs. Millennials PASS THE POPCORN. With the two largest generations in history at each other’s virtual throats on social media, this is the most epic battle since white or wheat. Who’s more entitled? Who’s more maligned? And does it even matter? HEY. Of course it does. Ask any one of them. But really. Pass the popcorn. This is some serious entertainment.
Pencils for Nurses
Pencils for okay moms
MAY I TAKE YOUR ORDER? You must be completely delusional if you think I’m a waiter, pal. In fact, I could argue that your very existence is at the mercy of my skilled, capable hands right now. So too bad if you don’t like the green Jello. Shut your trap and maybe I’ll come back to check on you. Key word: maybe.
CONGRATULATIONS. You’re the world’s okayest mom! Please don’t take offense! Face it, perfect moms are the absolute worst, what with their spotless car seats, healthy and organic snacks packed neatly in recyclable containers, and quick-draw first aid kits. Okay moms are where it’s at. Okay moms are where you want to live: sippy cup wine, the five-second rule, and naps that overlap into second naps.
Pencils for Cat People
Pencils for Dog People
HERE, KITTY KITTY... I have a surprise for youuuu… Darn it, where are you? Remember that time you told me you wished you could be a little policeman? I’m sure you said that. And I’ve got JUST the costume for that! Come on, kitty, kitty. My Instagram followers are waiting.
IT WAS THE DOG, I SWEAR! Look, I don’t know if you know this about my dog, but he’s verrry gassy. So if you get a whiff of anything remotely off, it was the dog, ok? He’s also responsible for the missing cheesecake in the fridge. I don’t know how he does it! The scoundrel.
Pencils for gravestone ideas I TOLD YOU I WAS SICK. Absolute genius last words to carve onto your gravestone. Why bother with father, mother, son, daughter? Beloved pet, bah! Boooring. Really, the only proper way to go out is to get the very last word. That, or leave them wondering for all eternity. Who dis?
Pencils for little white lies OMG, CROSSFIT? YES. I looooove working out. If I could, I would do it 24/7. It’s just that I have all these obligations and such since I took that sabbatical from work. Oh, yeah, technically they called it “fired” but I was going to take a creative break anyway. And I LOVE my free time! I mean, I don’t really have any, of course, and that’s why I’m not hitting the gym at the moment....
More stick it! New!
We love stickers. Stickers make us happy. They’ll make you happy too, if you let ’em. Stick It! Prank Sticker Pack Set B: Two 30-sticker sheets with header card. Size: 5″ × 9 ½″. Full-color. Sold in 8-packs. PS-B 7
Less stick it! New! (BUT STILL NEW)
Hey, check it out! This new iPhone contains “real raisins”! Yeah, we know these stickers are silly. But so are we! And so are the crazy marketing claims that scream at us from every direction, every single day of our lives. Believe me, your Great Aunt Phyllis is going to love finding out that her pudding cups were manufactured by leprechauns. Stick It! Prank Sticker Pack Set A: Two 30-sticker sheets with header card, size: 5″ × 9 ½″. Full-color. Sold in 8-packs. 45
Most New! (AND JUST IN TIME, TOO )
Ever feel like that new candle you bought’s missing something? Or maybe your wedding invitations are lacking a little flavor? Upgrade that shit with our new Fuck It! sticker pack. Available wherever zero fucks are given. Fuck It! Sticker Pack Two sticker sheets with header card. Size: 5″ × 9 ½″. Full-color. Sold in 8-packs. PS-B 7
Yeah, matches are USEFUL. And we know everyone likes lighting shit on fire occasionally… no? Just me and my student loan paperwork? Oh, ok. Anyway, throw some silly matches in with that candle you’re gifting! Leave it as the tip for your server! We know they will be just as surprised as you once they read what businesses are selling nowadays. Yikes! NEW Matchboxes in Counter-top Display: Set C: 48-pack of matchboxes Set F1: 36-pack of matchboxes with swear words Matchbooks in Counter-top Display: Set A: 64-pack of 20-strike matchbooks Set B: 64-pack of 20-strike matchbooks Display box size: 6 ½″ L × 6 ½″ W × 2 ½″ H.
36 MATCHBOxes SET f1 MAT-F1
Set F1 6 colorful matchboxes with colorful language. Set comes with 6 of each style.
Set c Sixteen ridiculously funny matchboxes. Set comes with 3 of each style.
48 MATCHBOxes SET c MAT-C
Set B Sixteen old school matchbooks. Set comes with 4 of each style.
16 VINTAGE-style matchbooks! 64 MATCHBOOKs SET B MAT-B
Set a Sixteen old school matchbooks. Set comes with 4 of each style.
the original matchbooks! 64 MATCHBOOKs SET a MAT-A
Liquid Hand Soap Each 8-ounce amber glass bottle is filled with all natural and organic liquid castile soap and scented with essential oils that we hope will encourage better hygiene in bathrooms everywhere. Well, one can dream. Variety Liquid Soap: Bottle size: 2 ¼″ D × 6 ¼″ H. 17 different 8-ounce styles sold in 4-packs. Filled with organic, all-natural castile soap. Scented with essential oils.
LEMON & FENNEL
WASH YOUR hands WAS-L
lime & peppermint orange & patchouli dad DAD-L
rosemary & mint
pine & lime
peppermint & cedarwood
PRETEND TO BE HAPPY
orange FAKE NEWS FAK-L
lemon SILENTLY JUDGING SIL-L
NURSE RULER NUR-R
OFFICE RULER OFF-R
MANNERS RULER MAN-R
You can hold it right there, pal. I don’t need to smell you to hear what you’re saying. Introducing handy fold-out personal space rulers to help others keep a healthy distance. Respect the personal space! TEACHER RULER TEA-R
Personal Space Rulers: Box size: 25″ L × 1 ½″ W × 1″ H. Ruler size (folded): 12″ L × 1 ½″ W. Twelve different fold-out ruler styles. Printed on wood with gold metal rivet. Sold in 2-packs.
SOCIAL RULER SOC-R
STONER RULER STO-R
INTROVERT RULER INT-R
step away, space invaders.
ROOMMATE RULER ROO-R
SCHOOL RULER SCH-R
FAMILY RULER FAM-R
DAD RULER DAD-R
MOM RULER MOM-R
Our 100% soy wax candles aren’t the most polite on the shelf, but as you know, they won’t stay on the shelf for long! Like it or leave it, profanity is frickin’ hot. So we’re introducing these precious and delicious-smelling pastel candles featuring your grandma’s favorite F word! What the F? Candles : Soy wax candle. Burn time: 40 hours. Jar size: 2 ¾″ D × 3 ½″ H. Sold in 4-packs.
salty bitches SALTY DOG COCKTAIL (GRAPEFRUIT) FRAGRANCE WT6-C
AMARETTO SOUR FRAGRANCE
SLOE GIN FIZZ FRAGRANCE
i fucking love you
what the actual fuck?
POMEGRANATE CHAMPAGNE FRAGRANCE
CUCUMBER ALOE DAIQUIRI FRAGRANCE
oh my fuck
BLUEBERRY BOURBON FIZZ FRAGRANCE
VIRGIN BLUE RASPBERRY JELLO SHOT FRAGRANCE
SMIRNOFF ICE FRAGRANCE
RUBBER DUCKY BUBBLE BATH FRAGRANCE
VODKA DIET SODA FRAGRANCE
NEGLECTED CACTUS FRAGRANCE
WATERMELON SHOTS FRAGRANCE
MARASCHINO CHERRIES & Q-TIPS FRAGRANCE
Ugh, life is like, SO hard. Luckily for you, we’ve created this new set of soy votives to burn away all those pesky first world phobias! First World Phobia Candles: Hand-poured soy votives. Burn time: 20 hours. Box size: 3″ L × 3″ W × 2 ⅞″ H. Sold in 4-packs.
moistophobia MOIST MANGOES FRAGRANCE MOI-V
APPLE JACKS FRAGRANCE
PEACH MARGARITA FRAGRANCE
FRESH GUACAMOLE FRAGRANCE
Mini book of
A hilarious retrospective of some of our favorite candles over the years. A totable paperback perfect to take anywhere to entertain friends and foes alike. A great coffee table or bathroom read, if you're into that kind of thing. Candle Lit. Volume One: 68 unique candles and descriptions; 5 ¾″ × 5 3/4″; velvet softcover, full-color pages. Sold in packs of 3.
candle lit. vol. 1 CB-1
$12.95 ISBN 978-0-578-92024-5
9 780578 920245
ASTROLOGY AST Candles: Our 100% soy wax candles. Each lid has a brightlycolored sticker that matches our AST Journals, Soaps, Matchsticks, and Pencil Sets. Burn time: 40 hours. Jar size: 2 ¾″ D × 3 ½″ H. Sold in 4-packs.
AST Liquid Soap: All-natural and organic castile liquid hand soap scented with organic essential oils. Bottle size: 2 ¼″ D × 6 ¼″ H. 12 different 8-ounce styles sold in 4-packs.
AST Journals: Each spiral-bound journal features a cover in a color specific to its astrological sign, and matches the stickers on the Astrology Candles, Soaps, and Pencil Sets. Size: 7″ L × 5 ¼″ W × ½″ H; 100 lined pages. Sold in 4-packs. AST Soap: Each 3 ½″ × 2 ¾″ × 1″ soap has a custom color-scheme and scent that matches its corresponding Astrology Candle. Shrink-wrapped with a clear label. Sold in 4-packs.
AST Safety Matchsticks: Glass bottles containing 50 safety matchsticks with custom color-schemes to match Astrology signs. Bottle size 1 ¾″ D × 4 ½″ H. 12 different bottles sold in 4-packs.
AST Pencils: 8 custom pencils made specifically for each sign. Each set features a “selfie pencil” with backwards writing to fulfill all your selfie needs… we see you, Leo. Box size: 8 ¼″ H × 3 ⅜″ W × ½″ L. Sold in 4-packs.
Each glass bottle has a label on the back with astrology sign traits in matching color scheme.
But still capable of a sick burn.
I’ll make it happen someday...
We hear you, okay?
BRINGIN’ THE HEAT
Essential for going on the war path.
And damn good at it.
Too hot to handle.
Basically the surface of the sun.
HAIR ON FIRE
UP IN SMOKE
Remain calm. I repeat, remain calm.
Who I definitely won’t text later...
Don't make me add your name.
And poof! I'm gone in a flash.
ASTROLOGY LIQUID HAND SOAP
D ECEMBER 22 - J ANUA RY 19
J AN UA RY 2 0 - F E B RUA RY 18
F E B RUA RY 19 - M A RC H 20
MA RCH 21 - APR IL 19
A P R IL 2 0 - M AY 2 0
M AY 21 - J U NE 2 0
AQUARIANs have THE MOST FRIENDS.
JUNE 21 - JU LY 22
J U LY 2 3 - A U G U S T 2 2
A U G U S T 2 3 - S E P T E M BER 22
S EPTEMBER 23 - OCT OB E R 22
O C T O B E R 2 3 - N O V E M B E R 21
N O V E M B E R 2 2 - DE C E M BER 21
Smells like the boss of everyone
Smells like a real do-gooder
Smells like some serious delusions
AGGRESSIVE AGAVE LIME
Smells like you only ride shotgun
Smells like a gold-plated sundae
Smells like a split personality
CAPRICORNS ARE THE MOST INTELLIGENT.
Smells like buried emotions
Smells like it’s all about you
Smells like making a list to make a list
FRENCH LAVENDER FLIRT
WANDERING WHITE TEA
Smells like a peacekeeper
Smells like a supervillain
Smells like a disappearing act
BERGAMOT BOSS FRAGRANCE
PROGRESSIVE PAPAYA FRAGRANCE
DRIFTWOOD DREAMER FRAGRANCE
D Bossy AF
D Woke AF
D Head in the clouds
D Full-on workaholic
D Fluent in sarcasm
D Social butterfly
D Consummate napper
“Capricorns are the most intelligent sign.”
“Aquarians have the most friends.”
“Pisceans are the unicorns of the zodiac.”
– a Capricorn
– an Aquarius
– a Pisces
AGGRESSIVE AGAVE LIME FRAGRANCE
CHAMPAGNE CHIC FRAGRANCE
WHIMSICAL WATERMELON FRAGRANCE
D Good at behaving badly
D Excels at “me time”
D Frequent ER patient
D Personal space invader
D Fickle flirt
D Born winner
D Absolute ruler
D Devious mind
“An Aries never comes in second. Ever.”
“Taureans are the classiest of all the signs.” – a Taurus
“Geminis have the best sense of humor.”
– an Aries
– a Gemini
GEMINIS HAVE THE BEST SENSE OF HUMOR.
MOODY MOJITOS FRAGRANCE
VANILLA VANITY FRAGRANCE
OVERTHINKING ORANGES FRAGRANCE
D Professional introvert
D Always right
D Trivia champ
D Secretly clingy
D Charming AF
D Spreadsheet master
D Grudge collector
D Easily flattered
D Impromptu party planner
“Cancers are the most creative sign.”
“Leos are the best looking sign.”
“Virgos have it all figured out.”
– a Cancer
– a Leo
– a Virgo
FRENCH LAVENDER FLIRT FRAGRANCE
VINDICTIVE VIOLETS FRAGRANCE
WANDERING WHITE TEA FRAGRANCE
D People pleaser
D Basic sadist
D Class clown
D Devours the weak
D Late fee collector
D Power glare champ
D Escape artist
“Libras make the best friends with benefits.”
“Everyone wants to be a Scorpio.”
“Sagittarians have the nicest bodies.”
– a Libra
– a Scorpio
– a Sagittarius
ASTROLOGY PENCILS capricorn
D E C E M B E R 22-J AN UA RY 19
J A NUA RY 20 - F EBRUARY 18
EVERY SILVER LINING HAS A CLOUD
UP FOR LITERALLY ANYTHING
YOU HAD ME AT REVOLUTION
MY WAY OR THE HIGHWAY
EVERY DAY I’M HUSTLIN’
POTENTIAL LIFE COACH
BLESS YOUR LITTLE HEART
AQUARIANS ARE SECRETLY SMARTER
BOSSY AF BECAUSE I READ THE MANUAL
MY PAY STUBS ARE LIT
ENIGMATIC BUT ALSO DRUNK
Selfie Pencil (Backwards):
Selfie Pencil (Backwards):
You are in avid pursuit of wealth and power, but are more grounded than a world traveler on a no-fly list. People like you because you’re filthy rich. And even though your source of income might be considered “iffy,” there’s nothing sexier than a bit of danger and a wad of cash.
You have a deep understanding of human nature and would excel at writing straight-to-DVD chick flicks. Your desire to save the whole planet keeps you mindful of d oing real work for the people. That said, you’re mostly valued for your non-stop partying and unstoppable quest to obtain the latest everything.
FE B RUARY 19 - M A RC H 2 0
M A RC H 21 - APRIL 19
TIME FOR MY SECOND NAP
I COULD’VE EASILY GONE PRO
STRAY ANIMAL COLLECTOR
I ALWAYS KNOW WHAT I’M DOING
DRINKS LIKE A FISH AMAZEBALLS IDEAS PENCIL MY ALONE TIME IS FOR YOUR SAFETY WILL ACCEPT FLATTERY Selfie Pencil (Backwards): TOTAL DREAMER
FOR MY NEXT TRICK... NEAR PERFECTION UNFINISHED PROJECTS PENCIL WROTE THE 1ST RULE OF FIGHT CLUB Selfie Pencil (Backwards): 100%
You have a large capacity for helping those in distress. You are sympathetic to the world’s unfortunate, including every stray animal and helpless soul you meet. People like you because o f your unbridled optimism. Might want to keep that in check, though. Collecting parking tickets shouldn’t fondly be referred to as a “hobby.”
You are a natural competitor with very little patience for whiners. You’re a doer, not a dreamer and are not given to long, drawn-out emotional moments. People like you because you look hot in shorts. This is the year to take your shower singing act on the road.
CANCERS ARE THE MOST CREATIVE SIGN. taurus
APR I L 20 - M AY 2 0
M AY 21 - JU NE 20
INFLEXIBLE BECAUSE I’M RIGHT
VODKA IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
WHO WERE YOU JUST TEXTING?
I MADE MEMES BEFORE IT WAS COOL
I NEED MORE MIDDLE FINGERS I HEARD THERE WOULD BE CAKE JUST CALL ME DICTATOR FOR SHORT TREAT YO’SELF IS ON MY FAMILY CREST CHAMPAGNE GOES WITH EVERYTHING Selfie Pencil (Backwards): CLASSY AF Back: You are extremely reliable and protective of loved ones. Both loyal and committed, you have a stick-to-itive-ness that others admire and you ensure there’s never a single drop left in the bottle of Dom Perignon. People like you because you appreciate the finer things in life and can party hard without a single hair out of place.
I DON’T WANT TO GOSSIP, BUT... WAIT TIL YOU MEET MY OTHER PERSONALITY I DON’T CARE WHAT I SAID 10 MINS AGO GEMINIS ARE LIKE A BOX OF CHOCOLATES I’M NOT SUPERFICIAL, JUST REALLY INTO LOOKS Selfie Pencil (Backwards): WORLD CLASS FLIRT Back: You are a natural flirt and tend to seek out mentors in the form of wise-ish (and sexy) bartenders. In terms of introvert and extrovert, you tend to swing both ways, depending on the day… or cocktail. And even though you’ve been called “out there” on more than one occasion, people like you because you’re t he good kind of crazy.
JUN E 21 - JULY 2 2
J U LY 2 3 - AU G U S T 22
CANCERS HAVE ALL THE FEELS
LOOK WHAT I CAN DO!
BUT LET’S GET BACK TO ME
DID SOMEONE SAY JELLO SHOTS?
NO OFFENSE, I JUST DON’T LIKE PEOPLE
LEOS HAVE THE MOST STALKERS
I’M STABBING YOU IN MY MIND
EVEN YOUR MOM LOVES ME
BECAUSE I ONLY NEED ONE FRIEND
SPOON-FEED ME COMPLIMENTS
I’M JUST GONNA STAY HOME TONIGHT Selfie Pencil (Backwards): GHOSTING MASTER Back: You’re no stranger to thumbsucking, but you’re not a total pushover, either. It’s just that you have all those FEELINGS and it sometimes makes you need hugs more than most. People like you as much for your creativity as they do for your desire to day drink under an afghan and watch Snapped marathons with your bestie.
MY AURA SHOOTS RAINBOWS & GLITTER Selfie Pencil (Backwards): HELLO GORGEOUS Back: You are extremely charismatic and irresistible to most everyone you meet. You are generally the only person in the room who counts—and you know it. It’s not your fault you were born for such greatness. People like you almost as much as you like you.
ASTROLOGY PENCILS virgo
AUGUS T 23 - SE PTE M B E R 2 2
S E P T E M B E R 23 - O CT O BER 22
I COUGHED NOW I’M DEAD
THANKS FOR NOTHING
I’M SORRY I SAY SORRY ALL THE TIME
LET ME OVERTHINK THAT THAT TOTALLY REMINDS ME OF ME I EXCEL IN RANDOM WORST-CASE SCENARIOS SCHEDULING AN IMPROMPTU PARTY! VIRGOS FOLD TOWELS PERFECTLY Selfie Pencil (Backwards): NOBODY’S PERFECT (EXCEPT VIRGOS)
I’M DATING SOMEONE BUT WE CAN TEXT IT’S NO PROBLEM!!!! EASILY DISTRACTED... WHY CAN’T WE ALL GET ALONG? PRETTY PETTY, BUT STILL PRETTY Selfie Pencil (Backwards): ADORABLE AF
You are cautious and careful when sober, and tend to only let loose during pre-planned events. You have a firm grasp on the number of drinks both you and anyone else has ever had, and prefer to be in charge of the designated driver list. People like you because you look like a sexy professor and always have all the answers.
You’re a lover of art and all things beautiful and intellectual. That’s why you always date hotties with graduate degrees. Not one to enjoy alone time, you are at your best when in a solid relationship, or at least a decent one-night stand. People like you because you tend to agree with everything.
OC T OB E R 23 - N OVE M B E R 21
N O V E M B E R 22 - DECEM BER 21
I EXIST, THEREFORE TACOS
WHO ARE YOU AGAIN?
VOTED MOST LIKELY TO LIVE IN A TENT
REVENGE IS BEST SERVED CONSTANTLY TWIRLING MY INVISIBLE MOUSTACHE EVIL MASTERMIND BEST FRENEMIES FOREVER PROFESSIONAL STALKER
LOL WHY R U SO SERIOUS? I NEED TO BE SOMEWHERE ELSE I DON’T DO FAKE RANDOM THOUGHTS SQUAD Selfie Pencil (Backwards): MENTALLY SINGLE
Selfie Pencil (Backwards): FIERCE AF Back: You are passionate and fierce and do not suffer fools gladly. You have the ambiance and appeal of a leather-clad supervillain and tend to keep your own entourage in tow. People like you because you always have the best ideas for revenge.
Back: You are wild and free and enjoy traveling to the far ends of the earth with your band of merry mischief makers. Not one for long-term goals or commitments, you tend to disappear in the middle of the night for spur-of-the-moment road trips. People like you because you always have the good party favors.
Light your candle
with NEW! whiskey river soap matchBOXes Swamp Thing Matchbox page 37
ASTROLOGY JOURNALS “I’m doing pretty good as far as geniuses go.” – Kanye West, Gemini
The inside cover of each Astrology Journals cover has even more info including traits, description, colors, numbers, love matches, famous birthdays, and quotes.
DECEMBER 22 JANUARY 19
aries MARCH 21 APRIL 19
JANUARY 20 FEBRUARY 18
taurus APRIL 20 MAY 20
FEBRUARY 19 MARCH 20
gemini MAY 21 JUNE 20
CANCER JUNE 21 - JULY 22 CAR-J
“I’m crazy and I don’t pretend to be anything else.” – Rihanna, Pisces
JULY 23 AUGUST 22
AUGUST 23 SEPTEMBER 22
sagittarius libra SEPTEMBER 23 OCTOBER 22
scorpio OCTOBER 23 NOVEMBER 21
NOVEMBER 22 - DECEMBER 21 SCO-J
Original Soap Handmade vegan soaps designed by our in-house soap artisans with fragrance blends to match each concept. Shrink-wrapped with a kraft brown label. Soap dimensions: 3 ½″ L × 2 ¾″ W × 1″ H. Sold in 4-packs. 80
Candles You know how people say that two things “go together like soap and candles,” right? Well they’re talking about our soap and candles. Many say it’s one of the greatest love stories of all time… and it started right here at Whiskey River Soap Co.
Duo Candles Always hand-poured and made with our exclusive blend of 100% soy wax and 0% bullshit. Fragrance blends match each concept and corresponding soap. Glass vessel dimensions: 4″ D × 2 ½″ H. Burn time: 60 hours. Sold in 3-packs. 81
ALONE TIME LEAVE ME ALONE TEA FRAGRANCE back:
D Do not disturb D Don’t even text D Drop by and die
SOAP: ALO-S 7
CANDLE: ALO-C 2
NOW EVEN BETTER
INTROVERTS BLUE RASPBERRY JELL-O FRAGRANCE back:
D Great solo activity D Respects your space D Won’t ask you to an event
I’M TOO SEXY SEXY SYRUP FRAGRANCE back:
D Too sexy for this soap (candle) D Too sexy for this shirt D Too sexy for this syrup
CANDLE: SEX-C 7
SOUL MATES CINNABON FRAGRANCE back:
D It’s just you and me, baby D And maybe a cinnamon roll D I’ll share.
CANDLE: SOU-C 7
MOM BRAIN SOGGY CHEERIOS FRAGRANCE back:
D Pants on backwards D Car keys in fridge D Baby in oven SOAP: MOM-S 7
CANDLE: MOM-C 7
BABY BUMPS PICKLES & ICE CREAM FRAGRANCE back:
D 6 PM: I’m frickin’ starving! D 6:05 PM: I can’t eat. D 1 AM: I’m frickin’ starving!
SOAP: BAB-S 7
CANDLE: BAB-C 9
BIG FAMILIES COOKIES & PLAY-DOH FRAGRANCE back:
D Small families don’t get it D Yes, they’re all my kids D Hey, leave your sister alone!
SOAP: BIG-S 7
CANDLE: BIG-C 6
Shovel provided by newly-famous WRS employee “Back Alley” Becca, who never met a plant she couldn’t save.
GOLD DIGGERS GOLDEN HONEY FRAGRANCE back:
D You know what they say D Don’t hate the player D Hate the game
SOAP: GLD-S 7
CANDLE: GLD-C 0
FEELING GOOD AS HELL CK-1 FRAGRANCE back:
D Find. D Someone. D Who appreciates you.
SOAP: FGH-S 7
CANDLE: FGH-C 3
THAT’S WHAT SHE SAID TWINKIE FRAGRANCE back:
D Grilled foot D Broken plasma TV D Oaky afterbirth SOAP: SHE-S 7
CANDLE: SHE-C 7
IT’S TEN A.M. SOMEWHERE BREAKFAST PALOMA FRAGRANCE back:
D Me? Have a problem? D Well, maybe… D Just pour me another, ok?
SOAP: TEN-S 7
CANDLE: TEN-C 7
Day Drinking MOJITOS FRAGRANCE back:
D Pairs well with daytime TV D Helps pass the time
D Seamless segue into nighttime drinking
Need we say more? Seriously, these soap and candle styles are sure to clean house and then burn it down. (In a good way.)
Social Anxiety VODKA VITAMIN WATER FRAGRANCE back:
D I have Ebola D My hamster ran away D I just found out I’m a hologram
Dog People GRASSY DOG PARK FRAGRANCE back:
D Drawer of embarrassing costumes D Wet chew toys everywhere D Cat people are freaks
Cat People WARM MILK FRAGRANCE back:
D My cat has an Instagram D Lint rollers in the car D Dog people suck
Teachers POISONED APPLE FRAGRANCE back:
D IDK, CAN you go to the bathroom?
BOURBON IN MY COFFEE FRAGRANCE
D Don’t you dare say “Wikipedia” D I just realized I don’t even like kids
D Per. D My. D Last email.
Shit Shows FIREBALL SHOTS FRAGRANCE back:
D I did what? D So THAT’S how I got that bruise D It was fun, though, right?
Stoners CANNABIS FRAGRANCE back:
D Gateway soap D Antagonizes DEA
D Approved for medicinal purposes
ARIZONA SOAP AZS-S
Colorado is the standard UPC CODES FOR OTHER OPTIONS SHOWN BELOW AND AT RIGHT:
SAD BIRTHDAY CAKE FRAGRANCE
ORANGE CREAMSICLE FRAGRANCE
JELLY DOUGHNUT FRAGRANCE
D I never get carded anymore
D And I’m STILL 21. Pinky swear.
D Will you stop counting already?
D Things I’ve just learned since Facebook
It’s Only Frickin’ Tuesday GUM SMACKING CO-WORKER (SPEARMINT) FRAGRANCE back:
D Wake me up on Thursday D I’m already four coffees in D Yawn.
Besties GRAPE HARD SELTZER FRAGRANCE back:
D No one else gets us D Who cares D Support your local girl gang
It’s Fine PLAIN TAP WATER FRAGRANCE back:
D Whatever D I’m not mad D It’s fine
calm the f down RAIN STICK (OCEAN) FRAGRANCE back:
D Live D Laugh D Haha, fuck that
WORKING FROM Home WHISKEY WITH A SPLASH OF COFFEE FRAGRANCE back:
D Pants-free devices
D Panic-based overcompensation D Usually buzzed
The Middle Child PURPLE HAZE (GRAPE) FRAGRANCE back:
D Magnifies misery D Your sister’s wedding was just beautiful D Who are you again?
TOP 10 CANDLES Fucking Meetings WORKING FROM HOME DOG PEOPLE BESTIES
IT’S ONLY FRICKIN’ TUESDAY CAT PEOPLE CALM THE F DOWN
SPIKY HAIR STYLING MOUSSE FRAGRANCE
D Stable genius
D Blacklisted from Trader Joe’s D Facebook fanatic
TOP 10 soaps CANDLE KRN-C
Dog People Cat People BESTIES
Okay Moms SIPPY CUP WINE FRAGRANCE back:
D Pairs well with nap time D Is also tired of perfect moms D Your kids love you anyway
ZERO FUCKS CALM THE F DOWN THE MIDDLE CHILD OKAY MOMS WORKING FROM HOME KARENS BIRTHDAY BLUES
ORIGINAL SOAP & CANDLES
A NEW HOME TRENDY TERRARIUM FRAGRANCE back:
D A fresh start! D A clean slate! D It’ll be a mess in no time
Awkward Moments SKETCHY OINTMENT FRAGRANCE back:
D Fly unzipped D Unwanted eye contact D Wrong person
Beer Whisperers OATMEAL STOUT FRAGRANCE back:
D The proof is in the beer belly D Some of us just want a buzz D Uh-oh: Craft weed is trending
Don’t knock the classics.
Being Awesome ONE SURFING LESSON (OCEAN SCENT) FRAGRANCE back:
D Dude. D Fist bump! D Awesomesauce.
BLURSDAY BURNT TOAST FRAGRANCE back:
D Same shit D Different day D FML
Emergency Ambiance Travel Tins page 17
CAFFEINE ADDICTS COFFEE SHOP FRAGRANCE back:
D Good source of the jitters D Absorbs nighttime rest D Cheaper than coke
THE COOL AUNT
BLACK CURRANT FRAGRANCE
JUICY GOSSIP FRAGRANCE
TOASTED MARSHMALLOW FRAGRANCE
D Champagne in a Solo cup
D Your mom wasn’t always lame
D Heels at the gym
D Here’s 20 bucks
D Pairs well with couch time
D Mani-pedi before sentencing
D Wanna sip?
D Builds unwavering confidence D Bring me another beer
Dad Jokes CORNIEST CORN BREAD FRAGRANCE back:
D Hey Dad, make me a sandwich D Poof! You’re a sandwich D #sloweyerolls
Matchbooks page 38
The First Child
ORANGE KOOL-AID FRAGRANCE
BRAND-NEW EVERYTHING (WINTERGREEN) FRAGRANCE
D Fancy meeting you here
D You’re fake news
D Reduces parental pressure
D Just like yesterday
D No, you are
D Keeps younger siblings out of your stuff
D Takes one to know one, poser news
D Is practically perfect, too
Friday Feels LUNCHTIME COCKTAILS FRAGRANCE back:
D Enhances good vibes D Staves off Mondays D Is it 5 yet?
The FUN UNCLE
BLACK ICE FRAGRANCE
FRESHLY LAUNDERED FLANNEL FRAGRANCE
NEVERENDING SLUSHIE (BLUE RASPBERRY) FRAGRANCE
D Illegal fireworks
D Promotes slacking
D Gaming is life
D Red Bull
D Looks good in a flannel
D This soap is so cringe
D Don’t tell your parents
D Pairs well with Nirvana
D JK, I low-key love soap
UMBRELLA DRINKS (TROPICAL SCENT) FRAGRANCE
BLOODY MARY FRAGRANCE
NUKED S’MORES FRAGRANCE
D Who cares if it’s only Tuesday
D Why do I do this to myself?
D Increases instances of squatting in the woods
D Last night was fun, lol
D Who needs plumbing?
D Let’s do this
D What’s on tap for tonight?
D Bugs are people, too
D It’ll break up the week
Pencils with Low Self-Esteem page 29
Astrology Matches page 60
CHEAP LIP GLOSS FRAGRANCE
BUBBLE BATH BUDS FRAGRANCE
LAUGHING BUDDHA (SANDALWOOD) FRAGRANCE
D Encourages late nights
D Hot showers
D Enhances walks of shame
D Ice cold AC
D Knows the best happy hours
D Netflix & chill
A Man’s Man
PRESCHOOL PASTE JAR (MINT) FRAGRANCE
BLIZZARD CAMPFIRE FRAGRANCE
KUMQUAT TREE FRAGRANCE
D The old gross baseball glove
D Good for bear wrasslin’
D Won’t fade new tattoos
D Backwards coffee mugs
D Doesn’t talk much either
D Mild on recent piercings
D Dinnertime elbow wars
D Will drink you under the hand-hewn table
D Likes 22-year-olds, too
Millennials GREEN NEW DEAL SCENT FRAGRANCE back:
D Pairs well with avocado toast D And student loans D OK boomer.
Morning People SUGAR CEREAL COMA FRAGRANCE back:
D What alarm? D Stop talking so loud D I can cut you
Namaste OM SCENT (LAVENDER & EUCALYPTUS) FRAGRANCE back:
D Gratitude for yoga pants D Downward dog anyplace, anywhere, anytime D Breathe.
Half-Pint of Magic candles page 12
Napping MTN. DEW SUGAR CRASH FRAGRANCE back:
D Midmorning nap D After-lunch nap D After-nap nap
NEAT FREAKS DESIGNER DETERGENT FRAGRANCE back:
D Alphabetized cereal D Color-coded closet D Coaster, please!
OFFICE NAPS COVID CANDY BOWL FRAGRANCE back:
D I just closed my eyes for a sec! D I’m doing “market research” D Yes, with sunglasses on!
Liquid Soap page 41
The Only Child CANDY APPLE OF MY EYE FRAGRANCE back:
D Sharing? Never heard of it D What are “other people”? D My parents are my besties!
Soap for Office Naps page 70
OUTDOOR PEOPLE SUMMER CAMP FRAGRANCE back:
D Enhances sunsets D Improves the taste of granola D Pairs well with bug spray
PERSONAL SPACE REESES CUP FRAGRANCE back:
D Back off D Seriously D Touch my monitor and die
Queens JUST BITE ME (CHERRY CANDY) FRAGRANCE back:
D Talk to the hand. D I’m. Going. Out. And don’t even think of following me. D (Text me later, boo)
Redheads SPICY CIDER FRAGRANCE back:
D Yes, it’s real D I’m wearing red anyway D Can we NOT talk about my hair?
Single Ladies LEMONADE FRAGRANCE
Shit’s Fucked candle page 17
D Do whatever the F you want D No in-laws D Should’ve put a ring on it…
JELLO SHOTS FRAGRANCE
ROOT BEER FLOAT FRAGRANCE
D 20% scary
D OMG, high school sports!
D Booze-soaked appetizers
D Always exciting
D We’re getting a Chipotle???
D Booze-soaked future plans
D 35% scarier after cocktails
D Complain all you want, but you’ll miss it when you leave
D Booze-soaked Uber ride home
DIRTY MARTINI FRAGRANCE
D Gin, not vodka D Vodka, not gin D Eh, just make it double & dirty
tomorrow, okay?* DISTRACTING LAVA LAMP (FRUITY) FRAGRANCE back:
D It’s fine D I do this all the time D I'll get it done, soon-ish!
*Soap styles come in 4 different colors, candle styles come in 3 diffrent colors.
The Trophy Husband TRICKED-OUT PORSCHE FRAGRANCE back:
D Looks good on your arm D Looks good in anything… or nothing D Jealous much?
vegans LAWN TRIMMING SALAD FRAGRANCE back:
D OMG, no CHEESE? D Fake BACON? D Real booze, tho
CHAOTIC KUMQUAT FRAGRANCE
BABY LOTION FRAGRANCE
CUCUMBER WATER FRAGRANCE back:
D Anniversaries alone
D You’ll get your turn
D Canceled vacation plans
D Extended deployment... again
D You’re lucky to have all these hand-medowns
D You’ll always be the baby
DISPLAYS & NOTES ORDER MINIMUMS: First order: $150.00 – any combination of current Whiskey River products. Re-orders: $100.00 – any combination of current Whiskey River products.
pencil display FREE when filled with pencils. Additional fee for extra displays. PD
soap display FREE when filled with soap. Additional fee for extra displays. DB
TERMS: New accounts: Prepaid via check, money order, cash, or credit card.. Established accounts: Net 30. Terms and Conditions of Credit All orders must be paid no later than 30 days from date shipped. A credit limit will be placed on your account. If your account exceeds this limit, pre-payment may be required. Customer shall pay Whiskey River Soap Co. all costs, expenses, legal and collection fees as incurred in enforcing the terms and conditions as allowed by law. PAYMENT: Company check, money order, cash, credit card, PayPal, or ACH bank transfers SHIPPING: Orders shipped via UPS Ground unless otherwise specified. Freight charges will be determined at time of shipping and will be added to each invoice. All domestic freight charges are capped at 15% of the wholesale order total. All shipments will be charged the actual freight cost of the order(s). Rates and service subject to change at any time at the sole discretion of Whiskey River Soap Co.
FREE when filled with pencils. Additional fee for extra displays. APD
RETURNS: Returns are not accepted for any merchandise unless items are damaged or mis-shipped. For damaged or mis-shipped items, a return authorization number is required and must appear on all related correspondence. All returned merchandise must be received within 30 days of receipt of merchandise and be in 100% resalable condition for credit. A 25% restocking fee will be deducted for items received in poor condition and/or received beyond the 30-day return window. Return freight is the responsibility of the customer and must be prepaid by the customer. PRICING: Prices are subject to change without notice. This catalog and corresponding order form’s pricing supersedes all others. Current prices are effective from June 15, 2021. NOTE ABOUT PERISHABLE PRODUCTS: Our products are perishable. Treat them as you would chocolate or a wounded kitten. They must be stored in cool, dry conditions to maintain optimum shelf life. Do not place products in direct sunlight or leave in warm, humid environments like a hot car or a Brazilian discotheque.
FURTHERMORE: All our soaps and candles handmade, so no two look exactly alike. Expect some deviation!
ingredients (which are all printed on the labels) are: Coconut oil, palm oil, safflower oil, glycerine, purified water, sodium hydroxide, sorbitol, sorbitan oleate, soy bean protein, coloring, fragrance. Bath Bombs contain sodium bicarbonate, citric acid (for fizzing), food-grade PEG, alcohol, coloring and fragrance. Some contain small amounts of glitter.
INGREDIENTS: Some of our soaps contain a few extras, like glitter in Queens. The basic
Our candles are 100% soy wax with added color & fragrance. The end.
FYI: Some of our candles have slightly revised copy on the labels because silly lines about “lathering up” don’t make a lick of sense on a candle and we adhere to a stringent 20% rule about making sense.
ASTROLOGY pencil display
CLAIMS: Any claims for damaged or mis-shipped items must be made within 7 days of receipt of merchandise by notifying your sales rep. Claims must be supported with photos of product, tracking number, and outer carton.
www.whiskeyriversoap.com • email@example.com