U P L ATE 2022
*Whiskey River candles aren’t edible. Dummy.
NEW LOO K , SA M E G R E AT TA STE *
Retro Stripe Candles Pages 6-7
INTRO (FULL SPREAD)
Take a look at candle, Michael. We fuckin’ love candles (and soap). And we know you do too. That’s why we’ve made a huge investment in automating our most time-consuming operations so we can ship your orders more quickly than ever. New machines that melt wax faster, label candles at high speed, and slice up soap with the touch of a button will allow us to deliver more consistent results, more consistently. All without forgetting how we started, and who we started with: all our candles and soaps are still made by real people right here in Newark, Ohio, USA. We think this might just be our best release yet, and we couldn’t be more excited for what’s in store this year. Also, who the F is Michael?
Product Collections Retro Stripe Candles Sticker Sets
Subtext Greeting Cards
Fuck, Marry, Kill Candle Set
Emergency Ambiance Candles
Vintage Paint Can Candles
New Bar Soap and Duo Candles
Best-Selling Bar Soap and Duo Candles
Classic Bar Soap and Duo Candles
Displays and Pre-Packs
Stick It! Prank Stickers Pages 8-11
Retro Stripe Candles Three words: Retro. Stripe. Candles. Need I say more? Didn’t think so. Put down your scrapbook, pick up the phone, and call Whiskey River Soap, ’cuz these beauties are gonna go fast. Retro Stripe Candles: Soy wax candle in a half-pint paint can with retro label. Burn time: 40 hours. Size: 2 ¾″ D × 3″ H. Net weight: 8 ounces. Sold in 4-packs.
“I ain’t never seen a candle like this since 1977 or maybe ’78!” -Missy T. from Missourah
THE FUCK DOWN, OKAY?
I LOVE CANDLES
R S -T R S
AND TEQUILA DON’T MIX
THE BAR’S STILL OPEN
Stick It! Prank Stickers
Hey, check it out! This new iPhone contains “real raisins”! Yeah, we know these stickers are silly. But so are we! And so are the crazy marketing claims that scream at us from every direction, every single day of our lives. Believe me, your Great Aunt Phyllis is going to love finding out that her tapioca pudding cups were manufactured by leprechauns. Stick It! Prank Sticker Pack A: Two 30-sticker sheets with header card, size: 5″ × 9 ½″. Full-color. Sold in 8-packs. PS-A
Stick It! Prank Stickers
We love stickers. Stickers make us happy. They’ll make you happy too, if you let ’em. Stick It! Prank Sticker Pack Set B: Two 30-sticker sheets with header card. Size: 5″ × 9 ½″. Full-color. Sold in 8-packs. PS-B 7
Fuck It! Candle Upgrade Stickers
Ever feel like that new candle you bought’s missing something? Or maybe your birthday card for Aunt Clem is lacking a little flavor? Upgrade that shit with our new Fuck It! sticker pack. Available wherever zero fucks are given. Fuck It! Sticker Pack Two sticker sheets with header card. Size: 5″ × 9 ½″. Full-color. Sold in 8-packs. FS-A 7
Subtext Greeting Cards We all love greeting cards right? And eating straight out of the trash can, George Costanza-style? No, just me? Alright, whatever. Loser. At least I don’t meet guys in the woods behind the old folk’s home. Yet. Thinking of you! Subtext Greeting Cards: 12 different greeting cards with pretty pictures and unexpected subtextual comments. Card size (folded): 4 ¼″ W × 5 ½″ H. Blank inside. Includes envelope and poly bag sleeve. Sold in packs of 6.
NEVER HAD ANY DREAMS
AMPUTATED FOOT ST-FOOT
DASH OF ROUNDUP ST-ROUNDUP
TOOTHBRUSH SURPRISE ST-TOOTHBRUSH
IMAGINARY FRIEND ST-FRIEND
CARDS ARE A SCAM ST-SCAM
TRASH CAN FOOD ST-TRASH
FEDERAL PRISON ST-PRISON
SHIT-FACED EVERY DAY ST-SHITFACED
GUYS IN THE WOODS ST-WOODS
Fantasy Destination Puzzles Wanna get your puzzle on? We’ve been hooked on these time-wasters for months now. And when winter hits? You can burn them for warmth. Jigsaw Puzzles: 1,000+ piece puzzles bagged and packed in sturdy, colorful boxes. Box size: 8″ × 10″. Puzzle size: 19 ½″ × 26 ⅞″. 3 different puzzle styles sold in 2-packs. 16
no fucks falls N O F -Z
shit show valley S H I -Z
THE ISLE OF SELF PITY S E L-Z
Shit Show Colored Pencils Who doesn’t love colored pencils? Turn that grey world Technicolor with our Shit Show Colored Pencil Set. Colored Pencils: 8 brightly colored pre-sharpened pencils packed in a sturdy slide-out box; 7 ⅝″ H × 2 ⅝″ W × 1″ L. Sold in 4-packs. SHI-P
Anti-Hero Pencil Sets Some say that the pencil was inspired by the humble writing twigs used in ancient Mesopotamia, while some insist the first pencils originated high in the mountains of Tibet; others still postulate that the pencil always existed, it simply needed to be discovered. Here at Whiskey River Soap, we don’t really concern ourselves with all that history mumbo-jumbo, we’re too busy thinking up comedic quips for our made in USA pencil sets. Pencil Sets: 8-pack of standard No. 2 pencils made in the USA. Box size: 7 ½″ H × 2 ½″ W × ⅜″ L. Sold in 4-packs.
“Pencil clog toilet real good!” - C. Cronk
POUR ME ANOTHER, PLEASE.
WOW, WHAT A CONCEPT.
Where in the heck are you and the other dads getting these so-called “jokes” from anyway, Corny Dads Quarterly? I mean, come on now… Does every conversation need a fart reference? Are you all a hive mind? I’m kidding, Dad. I totally respect the dad comedy. You’ve always said that money doesn’t grow on trees, but maybe dad jokes do!
No longer do you have an excuse not to use a fresh pencil each and every day! Plus, we’ve even included (at no extra cost) a handy Blursday pencil for those days when you can’t be bothered to figure out what day it actually is. And honestly, if you’re buying these pencils, that’s probably gonna be pretty often.
Ahhh, it’s finally that magical time of the day again: when you can put all your office woes aside and c rack open a cold one. Or twelve. Here’s to another chance to find the answers to life’s questions at the bottom of a bottle. So what if it’s only 10 AM, who says happy hour has to start at five, anyway? Just don’t tell Brent from HR, okay?
No, but seriously. Can you just suck it up and start using your right hand like everyone else in the developed world? You’re making us look bad with all your creativity and success. It’s like you’re part of a secret club we can never join. And frankly, the rest of us have the right to feel left out. See what I did there? That’s the best thing a right-hander can come up with. We need you weirdos.
DA D - P
COOL DADS SO FUNNY, I FORGOT TO LAUGH
DAYS OF THE WEEK
“My other pencil is just some deli ham rolled up.” - Becca L.
FIRST WORLD PROBLEMS
CHEER UP, SILLY PENCIL.
WHO SAYS EXISTENTIAL DREAD CAN’T BE FUN?
Congratulations, you’ve made it to middle age! All those years of being “financially responsible” means you can finally buy a motorcycle and the bitchin’ leather jacket to match. Or maybe a year-long silent meditation retreat is more your speed. Either way, you’ve earned it, after all. At least that’s what you’re going to tell yourself on the way to surf camp.
Ahahaha. It’s so easy to get under your skin. Just wanted to shoot a quick message to let you know how impressed we all are that you finally figured out the difference between your and you’re. Welcome to the grammar club, smarty pants. But as a club member, you now have to quit whining about other people’s grammatical errors. Trust me on this point, you’re still making some.
I hear you’re having a bad day. First of all, your wifi sucks, so Shameless is totally lagging. Plus, it’s 95 outside but you’re shivering under a blanket because the AC is SO freezing, and now your gluten-free muffin was the BEST gluten-free muffin you’ve ever had until you realized they gave you the one with almonds. And we both know you said NO NUTS.
Life’s not so bad. There are still plenty of us out there who like you: elementary school kids, golfers, artists, and uhhh… did I say schoolchildren already? But hey, things could be worse. I mean, who wants to be a crayon, right? So hold your head high, humble pencil. You’ll always have a place in our hearts and at our desks… at least until we toss you out.
LO W - P
“Whiskey River Pencils are better than bankruptcy!” - Tim G.
TRUTH I’M A FAKE VEGAN.
IT’S A SNOW DAY SOMEWHERE...
WHO ARE YOU AGAIN?
I mean, if you want, I can write an essay detailing the extent to which I’m fine. I’ll even laminate the cover if you need me to do that, too. I don’t mind at all. If that’s what you need to prove that I’m fine, I’ll do it. Heck, I might even make it a book, find a publisher and go on Ellen to promote the release, proving how fine I am. I mean if that’s what you need. I’ll do it.
But not for you! You have another full day of dealing with other people’s children AND their classroom shenanigans. And it’s not that you don’t love teaching. It’s more that nobody truly appreciates all the garbage you go through just to do your job. Isn’t it time people started thanking YOU for YOUR service?
The only thing worse than being unnoticed is being unnoticed when your hair i s neon purple and you dress like you’re from the Matrix. Um, hello? Being the first child ain’t all that. The only people who think so are: #1. My older sibling and #2. My dumb parents. And I haven’t even gotten to the part about the (cry)baby of the family. Oy.
Hey, wouldn’t it be nice if people just told the truth every once in a while? I mean, nobody wants to hear that Susan thinks your baby is weird looking, but does she have to go on and on about how ADORABLE he is, only to snicker with the entire Human Resources department behind your back? Susan, Susan, Susan. Just wait ’til you have a baby.
PA S - P
TRU - P
“I like my pencils how I like my eggs: runny.” - Mick Nork
THE OFFICE OH COOL.
TIRED OF FEELING LIKE A BONE-DRY HACK?
NO FUCKS. We hear you. You’re so over it you can’t even. This newlyconcocted bad attitude is just what the doctor ordered! Plus, none of us really liked it when you were just a simple, caring, average Joe. So kudos to you! Even though you couldn’t give a F. We know. Fresh out..
That’s why you prefer to stay inside with your stuffed animal collection. But sometimes it’s a little hard to admit that in public. So we’ve carefully crafted a few extremely plausible excuses to get you out of all those pesky social obligations. Like happy hour. Your niece’s school play. Office parties. Your wedding.
I N T- P
It’s Monday again. Feels like I just clocked out. Know what I love about Mondays? Nothing. In fifteen minutes, I’ll be sleeping with my eyes open for an hour-long meeting about employee morale followed by a “surprise” birthday cake and card everyone half-heartedly signs while doing a slow eye-roll. Which is the same eye-roll I’ll be making when I read it, ’cuz it’s my birthday and even that won’t fix a Monday.
So the wordsmith’s well has run dry? Try this pack of Writer’s Block pencils. If these pencils don’t help you churn out regurgitated ideas and probably a vampire, I’ll eat my hat. It’s a fedora, by the way. Cool vampires wear fedoras now. Put that in your crack pipe and smoke it. Or in your book. Either way, you’re gonna need these pencils ASAP. Even crap won’t write itself.
“Without pencils, I wouldn’t be in prison…” - Fern Moorehead
BOOMERS VS MILLENNIALS
PASS THE POPCORN.
Go ahead, ask me anything. Invariably, the answer will be “two weeks.” Wondering when I’ll get my grades up? Two weeks. Get my grades up and start working out? Two weeks. Get my grades up, start working out, call my dad, visit my Nana in Florida, get married, buy a house, file for divorce, start my own business and run for office? Two weeks, pal. Two. Weeks.
With the two largest generations in history at each other’s virtual throats on social media, this is the most epic battle since white or wheat. Who’s more entitled? Who’s more maligned? And does it even matter? HEY. Of course it does. Ask any one of them. But really. Pass the popcorn. This is some serious entertainment.
MAY I TAKE YOUR ORDER?
You must be completely delusional if you think I’m a waiter, pal. In fact, I could argue that your very existence is at the mercy of my skilled, capable hands right now. So too bad if you don’t like the green Jello. Shut your trap and maybe I’ll come back to check on you. Key word: maybe.
You’re the world’s okayest mom! Please don’t take offense! Face it, perfect moms are the absolute worst, what with their spotless car seats, healthy and organic snacks packed neatly in recyclable containers, and quick-draw first aid kits. Okay moms are where it’s at. Okay moms are where you want to live: sippy cup wine, the five-second rule, and naps that overlap into second naps.
“I don’t exist. But pencils might. NASA is still workin’ on it.” - Phoenix McGillicutty
HERE, KITTY KITTY...
IT WAS THE DOG, I SWEAR!
I have a surprise for youuuu… Darn it, where are you? Remember that time you told me you wished you could be a little policeman? I’m sure you said that. And I’ve got JUST the costume for that! Come on, kitty, kitty. My Instagram followers are waiting.
Look, I don’t know if you know this about my dog, but he’s verrry gassy. So if you get a whiff of anything remotely off, it was the dog, ok? He’s also responsible for the missing cheesecake in the fridge. I don’t know how he does it! The scoundrel.
C AT- P
LITTLE WHITE LIES
I TOLD YOU I WAS SICK.
OMG, CROSSFIT? YES.
Absolute genius last words to carve onto your gravestone. Why bother with father, mother, son, daughter? Beloved pet, bah! Boooring. Really, the only proper way to go out is to get the very last word. That, or leave them wondering for all eternity. Who dis?
I looooove working out. If I could, I would do it 24/7. It’s just that I have all these obligations and such since I took that sabbatical from work. Oh, yeah, technically they called it “fired” but I was going to take a creative break anyway. And I LOVE my free time! I mean, I don’t really have any, of course, and that’s why I’m not hitting the gym at the moment…
G R V- P
L I T- P
Duo Candle Air Fresheners
✓ Dog people suck ✓ Lint rollers in the car an air freshener for cat people
✓ My cat has an Instagram
warm milk scent
cat people ca n dl e
calm the f down RAIN STICK SCENT
cat people WARM MILK SCENT
Know what stinks? Not you! Now that you have your very own candle air freshener to haul around with you, people will quit pinching their noses and running for the hills. Hopefully. You still have to occasionally bathe, you know. Air Fresheners: 20 different candle air fresheners with unique scents. Air freshener size: 3 1/2″ W × 3″ H; package size: 5 1/2″ W × 6 1/2″ H. Double-sided, full-color. Sold in packs of 4.
teachers POISONED APPLE SCENT
trophy husband TRICKED-OUT PORSCHE SCENT
zero fucks CREAMSICLE SCENT
CAFFEINE ADDICTS COFFEE SHOP SCENT
THE COOL AUNT JUICY GOSSIP SCENT
DAD JOKES BANANA SCENT
It’S ONLY FRICKIN’ TUESDAY MINT SCENT
MILITARY WIVEs CHAOTIC KUMQUAT SCENT
OUTDOOR PEOPLE SUMMER CAMP SCENT
classy af DRY SHAMPOO SCENT
dog people GRASSY DOG PARK SCENT
it's fine PLAIN TAP WATER SCENT
middle child CRAZY GRAPE SCENT
namaste CALMING LAVENDER SCENT
okay moms SIPPY CUP WINE SCENT
redheads SPICY CIDER SCENT
shit shows FIREBALL SHOTS SCENT
social anxiety VODKA VITAMIN WATER SCENT
WTF Candle Air Fresheners What the actual fuck is that smell? Who gives a shit. Just cover it up with one of our new air fresheners, complete with your favorite four-letter word. (Except for the one that isn’t.)
WTF Air Fresheners: 5 different curse word candle air fresheners with unique scents. Air freshener size: 2 ¾″ W × 4″ H; package size: 4″ W × 6″ H. Double-sided, full-color. Sold in packs of 4. 30
I really do. It’s just that… you kinda reek. But don’t worry, I got this air
The vibe in here absolutely stinks to high heaven. A little bit
I FU C K I N G LOVE YO U
FUCK THIS. Amaretto Sour
WTF CANDLE AIR FRESHENER
Whiskey River Soap Company
Whiskey River Soap Company
CANDLE AIR FRESHENER
I FUCKING LOVE YOU
PAMARETTO SOUR SCENT
POMEGRANTE CHAMPAGNE SCENT
WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK?
SALTY DOG COCKTAIL SCENT
CUCUMBER-ALOE DAIQUIRI SCENT
BLUEBERRY BOURBON FIZZ SCENT
Astrology Line We consider ourselves the world’s foremost authority on all things astrology. Seriously, we do. And we’d like to hear anyone make a case that our Astrology Line products don’t describe each sign to a T. You just consider yourself lucky we decided to make these suckers. You’re welcome.
Astrology Birthday Cards: 12 different astrology sign themed birthday cards with tear-off affirmations. Card size (folded): 5″ W × 7″ H. Blank inside. Includes envelope and poly bag sleeve. Sold in packs of 6.
Astrology Candles: Our 100% soy wax candles. Each lid has a brightly-colored sticker that matches our Astrology Soap and Pencil Sets. Burn time: 40 hours. Size: 2 ¾″ D × 3 ½″ H. Sold in 4-packs.
Astrology Pencils: 8 custom pencils made specifically for each sign. Each set features a “selfie pencil” with backwards writing to fulfill all your selfie needs… we see you, Leo. Box size: 8 ¼″ H × 3 ⅜″ W × ½″ L. Sold in 4-packs.
Astrology Soap: Each 3 ½″ × 2 ¾″ × 1″ soap has a custom color-scheme and scent that matches its corresponding Astrology Candle. Shrink-wrapped with a clear label. Sold in 4-packs.
Smells like the boss of everyone
Smells like a real do-gooder
Smells like some serious delusions
AGGRESSIVE AGAVE LIME
Smells like you only ride shotgun
Smells like a gold-plated sundae
Smells like a split personality
Smells like buried emotions
Smells like it’s all about you
Smells like making a list to make a list
FRENCH LAVENDER FLIRT
WANDERING WHITE TEA
Smells like a peacekeeper
Smells like a supervillain
Smells like a disappearing act
BERGAMOT BOSS FRAGRANCE
PROGRESSIVE PAPAYA FRAGRANCE
DRIFTWOOD DREAMER FRAGRANCE
D Head in the clouds
D Bossy AF
D Woke AF
D Full-on workaholic
D Fluent in sarcasm
D Social butterfly
D Consummate napper
“Capricorns are the most intelligent sign.”
“Aquarians have the most friends.”
“Pisceans are the unicorns of the zodiac.”
– a Capricorn
– an Aquarius
– a Pisces
AGGRESSIVE AGAVE LIME FRAGRANCE
CHAMPAGNE CHIC FRAGRANCE
WHIMSICAL WATERMELON FRAGRANCE
D Excels at “me time”
D Good at behaving badly
D Frequent ER patient
D Personal space invader
D Fickle flirt
D Born winner
D Absolute ruler
D Devious mind
“An Aries never comes in second. Ever.”
“Taureans are the classiest of all the signs.” – a Taurus
“Geminis have the best sense of humor.”
– an Aries
– a Gemini
MOODY MOJITOS FRAGRANCE
VANILLA VANITY FRAGRANCE
OVERTHINKING ORANGES FRAGRANCE
D Professional introvert
D Always right
D Trivia champ
D Secretly clingy
D Charming AF
D Spreadsheet master
D Grudge collector
D Easily flattered
D Impromptu party planner
“Cancers are the most creative sign.”
“Leos are the best looking sign.”
“Virgos have it all figured out.”
– a Cancer
– a Leo
– a Virgo
FRENCH LAVENDER FLIRT FRAGRANCE
VINDICTIVE VIOLETS FRAGRANCE
WANDERING WHITE TEA FRAGRANCE
D People pleaser
D Basic sadist
D Class clown
D Devours the weak
D Late fee collector
D Power glare champ
D Escape artist
“Libras make the best friends with benefits.”
“Everyone wants to be a Scorpio.”
“Sagittarians have the nicest bodies.”
– a Libra
– a Scorpio
– a Sagittarius
D E C E M B E R 22-J AN UA RY 19
J A NUA RY 20 - F EBRUARY 18
EVERY SILVER LINING HAS A CLOUD
YOU HAD ME AT REVOLUTION UP FOR LITERALLY ANYTHING
MY WAY OR THE HIGHWAY
EVERY DAY I’M HUSTLIN’
POTENTIAL LIFE COACH
BLESS YOUR LITTLE HEART
AQUARIANS ARE SECRETLY SMARTER
BOSSY AF BECAUSE I READ THE MANUAL
MY PAY STUBS ARE LIT
ENIGMATIC BUT ALSO DRUNK
Selfie Pencil (Backwards):
Selfie Pencil (Backwards):
You are in avid pursuit of wealth and power, but are more grounded than a world traveler on a no-fly list. People like you because you’re filthy rich. And even though your source of income might be considered “iffy,” there’s nothing sexier than a bit of danger and a wad of cash.
You have a deep understanding of human nature and would excel at writing straight-to-DVD chick flicks. Your desire to save the whole planet keeps you mindful of d oing real work for the people. That said, you’re mostly valued for your non-stop partying and unstoppable quest to obtain the latest everything.
FE B RUARY 19 - M A RC H 2 0
M A RC H 21 - APRIL 19
TIME FOR MY SECOND NAP
I COULD’VE EASILY GONE PRO
STRAY ANIMAL COLLECTOR
I ALWAYS KNOW WHAT I’M DOING
DRINKS LIKE A FISH AMAZEBALLS IDEAS PENCIL MY ALONE TIME IS FOR YOUR SAFETY WILL ACCEPT FLATTERY Selfie Pencil (Backwards): TOTAL DREAMER
FOR MY NEXT TRICK... NEAR PERFECTION UNFINISHED PROJECTS PENCIL WROTE THE 1ST RULE OF FIGHT CLUB Selfie Pencil (Backwards): 100%
You have a large capacity for helping those in distress. You are sympathetic to the world’s unfortunate, including every stray animal and helpless soul you meet. People like you because o f your unbridled optimism. Might want to keep that in check, though. Collecting parking tickets shouldn’t fondly be referred to as a “hobby.”
You are a natural competitor with very little patience for whiners. You’re a doer, not a dreamer and are not given to long, drawn-out emotional moments. People like you because you look hot in shorts. This is the year to take your shower singing act on the road.
APR I L 20 - M AY 2 0
M AY 21 - JU NE 20
INFLEXIBLE BECAUSE I’M RIGHT
VODKA IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
WHO WERE YOU JUST TEXTING?
I MADE MEMES BEFORE IT WAS COOL
I NEED MORE MIDDLE FINGERS I HEARD THERE WOULD BE CAKE JUST CALL ME DICTATOR FOR SHORT TREAT YO’SELF IS ON MY FAMILY CREST CHAMPAGNE GOES WITH EVERYTHING Selfie Pencil (Backwards): CLASSY AF Back: You are extremely reliable and protective of loved ones. Both loyal and committed, you have a stick-to-itive-ness that others admire and you ensure there’s never a single drop left in the bottle of Dom Perignon. People like you because you appreciate the finer things in life and can party hard without a single hair out of place.
I DON’T WANT TO GOSSIP, BUT... WAIT TIL YOU MEET MY OTHER PERSONALITY I DON’T CARE WHAT I SAID 10 MINS AGO GEMINIS ARE LIKE A BOX OF CHOCOLATES I’M NOT SUPERFICIAL, JUST REALLY INTO LOOKS Selfie Pencil (Backwards): WORLD CLASS FLIRT Back: You are a natural flirt and tend to seek out mentors in the form of wise-ish (and sexy) bartenders. In terms of introvert and extrovert, you tend to swing both ways, depending on the day… or cocktail. And even though you’ve been called “out there” on more than one occasion, people like you because you’re t he good kind of crazy.
JUN E 21 - JULY 2 2
J U LY 2 3 - AU G U S T 22
CANCERS HAVE ALL THE FEELS
LOOK WHAT I CAN DO!
BUT LET’S GET BACK TO ME
DID SOMEONE SAY JELLO SHOTS?
NO OFFENSE, I JUST DON’T LIKE PEOPLE
LEOS HAVE THE MOST STALKERS
I’M STABBING YOU IN MY MIND
EVEN YOUR MOM LOVES ME
BECAUSE I ONLY NEED ONE FRIEND
SPOON-FEED ME COMPLIMENTS
I’M JUST GONNA STAY HOME TONIGHT Selfie Pencil (Backwards): GHOSTING MASTER Back: You’re no stranger to thumbsucking, but you’re not a total pushover, either. It’s just that you have all those FEELINGS and it sometimes makes you need hugs more than most. People like you as much for your creativity as they do for your desire to day drink under an afghan and watch Snapped marathons with your bestie.
MY AURA SHOOTS RAINBOWS & GLITTER Selfie Pencil (Backwards): HELLO GORGEOUS Back: You are extremely charismatic and irresistible to most everyone you meet. You are generally the only person in the room who counts—and you know it. It’s not your fault you were born for such greatness. People like you almost as much as you like you.
AUGUS T 23 - SE PTE M B E R 2 2
S E P T E M B E R 23 - O CT O BER 22
I COUGHED NOW I’M DEAD
THANKS FOR NOTHING
I’M SORRY I SAY SORRY ALL THE TIME
LET ME OVERTHINK THAT THAT TOTALLY REMINDS ME OF ME
I’M DATING SOMEONE BUT WE CAN TEXT
I EXCEL IN RANDOM WORST-CASE SCENARIOS
IT’S NO PROBLEM!!!!
SCHEDULING AN IMPROMPTU PARTY! VIRGOS FOLD TOWELS PERFECTLY Selfie Pencil (Backwards): NOBODY’S PERFECT (EXCEPT VIRGOS)
EASILY DISTRACTED... WHY CAN’T WE ALL GET ALONG? PRETTY PETTY, BUT STILL PRETTY Selfie Pencil (Backwards): ADORABLE AF
You are cautious and careful when sober, and tend to only let loose during pre-planned events. You have a firm grasp on the number of drinks both you and anyone else has ever had, and prefer to be in charge of the designated driver list. People like you because you look like a sexy professor and always have all the answers.
You’re a lover of art and all things beautiful and intellectual. That’s why you always date hotties with graduate degrees. Not one to enjoy alone time, you are at your best when in a solid relationship, or at least a decent one-night stand. People like you because you tend to agree with everything.
OC T OB E R 23 - N OVE M B E R 21
N O V E M B E R 22 - DECEM BER 21
I EXIST, THEREFORE TACOS
WHO ARE YOU AGAIN?
VOTED MOST LIKELY TO LIVE IN A TENT
REVENGE IS BEST SERVED CONSTANTLY TWIRLING MY INVISIBLE MOUSTACHE EVIL MASTERMIND BEST FRENEMIES FOREVER PROFESSIONAL STALKER
LOL WHY R U SO SERIOUS? I NEED TO BE SOMEWHERE ELSE I DON’T DO FAKE RANDOM THOUGHTS SQUAD Selfie Pencil (Backwards): MENTALLY SINGLE
Selfie Pencil (Backwards): FIERCE AF Back: You are passionate and fierce and do not suffer fools gladly. You have the ambiance and appeal of a leather-clad supervillain and tend to keep your own entourage in tow. People like you because you always have the best ideas for revenge.
Back: You are wild and free and enjoy traveling to the far ends of the earth with your band of merry mischief makers. Not one for long-term goals or commitments, you tend to disappear in the middle of the night for spur-of-the-moment road trips. People like you because you always have the good party favors.
Fuck, Marry, Kill Candle Set In case you’ve been living under a rock your whole life: Fuck, Marry, Kill is a game in which you’re presented with the names of three people, either celebrities or personal acquaintances, and then forced to decide which one of the three you would have sex with, which you would marry, and which one you would kill. This game has been characterized as “tasteless” and “juvenile,” so of course it was high time for us to put our own spin on it. Mark each candle with your choice, or write in a name if you must, but please—don’t pick John Mayer for all three! (Instructions repeated on box) Fuck, Marry, Kill Candles: Hand-poured soy wax candles. Burn time: 40 hours. Jar size: 2 ¾″ D × 3 ½″ H. Box size: 11″ L × 4″ W × 1 ¼″ H. Set of 3 candles with box sold in 4-packs. F M K- S E T
Fragrance notes of sandalwood, opium, and amber
Fragrance notes of resin, orange blossom, and rose
Who would you rather? Fragrance notes of grapefruit, kumquat, and tropical flowers
Hey, know what this situation is severely lacking? That’s right. AMBIANCE. And boy have we got the perfect travel candle tins to give any emergency a little more aura! Emergency Ambiance Travel Tins: 100% soy wax scented with fragrance oils. Burn time: 4 one-hour emergency burns. Comes with “Emergency Ambiance” pack of matches under lid. Stainless steel tin size: 3 ⅛″ D × 1 ⅛″ H. 20 different 3-ounce candle styles sold in 4-packs.
EDIBLES KICKED IN
PARTY FOR ONE
FUCK ALL Y'ALL
FUCK THIS MEETING
I MISS MY DOG
MERCURY IN RETROGRADE
NOT ENOUGH CATS
Bring Your Own Ambiance
PLEASE STOP TALKING
out of vodka
WTF Candles Our 100% soy wax candles aren’t the most polite on the shelf, but as you know, they won’t stay on the shelf for long! Like it or leave it, profanity is frickin’ hot. So we’re introducing these precious and delicious-smelling pastel candles featuring your grandma’s favorite F word! WTF Candles: Soy wax candle. Burn time: 40 hours. Jar size: 2 ¾″ D × 3 ½″ H. Sold in 4-packs.
fuck this. AMARETTO SOUR FRAGRANCE WT1-C
“Fuckin’ A, these candles kicked my ass!” - MeeMaw’s Voice to Text April 14, 2022 12:08am
i fucking love you
oh my fuck
what the actual fuck?
POMEGRANATE CHAMPAGNE FRAGRANCE
VIRGIN BLUE RASPBERRY JELLO SHOT FRAGRANCE
CUCUMBER ALOE DAIQUIRI FRAGRANCE
BLUEBERRY BOURBON FIZZ FRAGRANCE
SALTY DOG COCKTAIL (GRAPEFRUIT) FRAGRANCE
SLOE GIN FIZZ FRAGRANCE
Anti-Cursing Paint Can Candles If there’s one thing we love here at Whiskey River Soap, it’s dropping F-bombs like they’re going out of style. (Which they aren’t, by the way.) But we recognize that some folks out there like to keep it a little more, shall we say, PG-13. These candles are for them. And for everyone, dang it! Anti-Cursing Paint Can Candles: 12-ounce hand-poured soy wax candles in paint cans designed with mid-century style labels. Candle can size: 3 ¼″ D × 3 ⅞″ H. Burn time: 40 hours. 4 different paint can candle styles sold in 3-packs.
COUNTRY FRESH SCENT (BUTTER AND MARGARINE)
OFF-BRAND BOXED WINE (WHITE PEACH, ORANGE ZEST, & APPLE)
WHAT THE HECK
SILENT SPRING (FRESHLY CUT GRASS)
MYSTERY FLAVOR (TROPICAL)
Vintage-Style Paint Can Candles Introducing the candles you didn’t know you needed... until right this second! These soy candles in vibrant vintage-style cans will make you think you just opened a fresh can of paint. Paint Can Candles: 12-ounce soy wax candles hand-poured into paint cans designed with vintage-style labels. Candle can size: 3 ¼″ D × 3 ⅞″ H. Burn time: 40 hours. 9 different paint can candle styles sold in 3-packs.
AW HELL NO
FIG, LEATHER, & TOBACCO FRAGRANCE
TRUFFLE BUTTER FRAGRANCE
OH FOR FUCK'S SAKE
BERGAMOT, TOBACCO, & YUZU FRAGRANCE
SMOKED VANILLA & TEAKWOOD FRAGRANCE
let that shit go SWEET RELEASE PAI-6
unfuck yourself MORNING DO-OVER PAI-7
Notes of cucumber, mint, and vanilla
Notes of coffee and sweet pastries
whoop ass SUCKER PUNCH PAI-8
f bombs BOMB POP PAI-9
Notes of lemon and coconut
Notes of cherry and lime
Liquid Castile Soap Each 8-ounce amber glass bottle is filled with all natural and organic liquid castile soap and scented with essential oils that we hope will encourage better hygiene in bathrooms everywhere. Well, one can dream. Liquid Castile Soap: Bottle size: 2 ¼″ D × 6 ¼″ H. 17 different 8-ounce styles sold in 4-packs. Filled with organic, all-natural castile soap. Scented with essential oils.
orange & patchouli
lime & peppermint
LEMON & FENNEL
WASH YOUR hands
New Bar Soap
Original Soap Handmade vegan soaps designed by our in-house soap artisans with fragrance blends to match each concept. Shrink-wrapped with a kraft brown label. Soap dimensions: 3 ½″ L × 2 ¾″ W × 1″ H. Sold in 4-packs.
New Duo Candles
Duo Candles Always hand-poured and made with our exclusive blend of 100% soy wax and 0% bullshit. Fragrance blends match each concept and corresponding soap. Glass vessel dimensions: 4″ D × 2 ½″ H. Burn time: 60 hours. Sold in 3-packs.
What The Fucking Fuck PRICKLY PEAR FRAGRANCE D What the D Fucking D Fuck SOAP WTF-S (SEE PAGE 110)
Bad Attitudes CYNICAL CITRUS FRAGRANCE D Oh, you don’t like F bombs? D Too fucking bad D Bye, Felicia SOAP ATT-S
Crazy Bitches SALTY MELONS FRAGRANCE D Admit it D Shit is boring without us D Facts. SOAP BIT-S
Fucking Zen COOL CUCUMBER FRAGRANCE D Mindful shit D Some fucking meditation D Probably a nap SOAP ZEN-S
Insomnia MIDNIGHT CEREAL FRAGRANCE D Murder podcasts D Endless scrolling D Cold Kung Pao SOAP INS-S
Poor Choices LITTLE DEBBIES FRAGRANCE D Saying YOLO D Raw oysters D Hooking up with your ex SOAP POO-S
Dirty Thirties DIRTY MARGARITA FRAGRANCE D It’s all over now D The beginning of the end D Goes by faster than you think SOAP D30-S
’s Hey, where s? the hooker
Cat Videos MARSHMALLOW FLUFF FRAGRANCE D Booze? D Pills? D Nope, CATS. SOAP VID-S
Cool Dads CUSTOM OIL BLEND FRAGRANCE D Mountain bike D Designer hoodies D Probably hot SOAP COO-S
Favorite Child BETTER CLOTHES FRAGRANCE D No. D I definitely didn’t buy myself this. D You’re just jealous! SOAP FAC-S
Classic Bar Soap & Duo Candles Best Selling Soap DOG PEOPLE CAT PEOPLE BESTIES SOCIAL ANXIETY THE MIDDLE CHILD ZERO FUCKS CALM THE F DOWN THE COOL AUNT THE FIRST CHILD THE FUN UNCLE
Best Selling Duos FUCKING MEETINGS DOG PEOPLE CAT PEOPLE BESTIES CALM THE F DOWN DAY DRINKING ZERO FUCKS FRICKIN’ TUESDAY THE COOL AUNT SOCIAL ANXIETY
A NEW HOME
TRENDY TERRARIUM FRAGRANCE
LEAVE ME ALONE TEA FRAGRANCE
PICKLES & ICE CREAM FRAGRANCE
D A fresh start! D A clean slate! D It’ll be a mess in no time
D Do not disturb D Don’t even text D Drop by and die
D 6 PM: I’m frickin’ starving! D 6:05 PM: I can’t eat. D 1 AM: I’m frickin’ starving!
Mmmmmm... Smell that? Yeah, nothing except maybe clean paint and a hint of chocolate chip cookie air freshener. No cat pee, spoiled milk, or the unmistakable stench of sadness. So huff on that baggage-free lifestyle for as long as you can because you’ll be back to wallowing in your own filth soon. New homes are only new for so long.
Why are you so thick? Boy, are you terrible at taking hints. When I started responding to all your inane questions with random non-sequiturs, you didn’t flinch. When I quit looking you in the eye, nada. And when I screamed “leave me the F alone!” at the top of my lungs, you fled the room but went on a texting spree. And that’s why I hopped on a bus to Alaska. Bye!
Oh this? No, this is just a lil’ beer belly that will end up wrecking my body and taking over my life for the next 18 years, not to mention all the incontinence and insatiable desire for lukewarm milk. No clue why people are so fond of the little buggers. I guess we’ll just see how I feel when this thing finally decides to pop out and say hello to the world.
CANDLE ALO-C 7
CANDLE BAB-C 7
GRAPE HARD SELTZER FRAGRANCE
COOKIES & PLAY-DOH FRAGRANCE
SAD BIRTHDAY CAKE FRAGRANCE
D No one else gets us D Who cares D Support your local girl gang
D Small families don’t get it D Yes, they’re all my kids D Hey, leave your sister alone!
D I never get carded anymore D And I’m STILL 21. Pinky swear. D Will you stop counting already?
Let’s unpack this. And by that, I mean let’s unpack everything. I have sooooooo many things I need to tell you since I last saw you twelve hours ago. And nobody else understands my bitching the way you do! We’ve got our own girl gang and we don’t need any new members. So drink up, buttercup. ‘Cuz we’re not doing this sober.
Maybe one day. I’d never yelled the word “motherf*ck!” in front of small children until that day I stepped on my first Lego from hell. Sorry, kiddos, but that was simply unavoidable. And that’s the day my baby-sitting career ended. Too bad. I hear the hourly rates are now sky-high. Probably pays more than my new career as a serial philanderer…
Who you calling old? Not me, pal. I’m 21. I’ve been 21 for years and I’m not about to make any abrupt changes now. Hey! Put that fancy calculator away. Don’t you know I still shop at Forever 21? It’s called that for a REASON. Now buy me a shot and shut your trap.
CANDLE BIG-C 7
CANDLE BIR-C 1
CALM THE F DOWN
COFFEE SHOP FRAGRANCE
RAIN STICK FRAGRANCE
WARM MILK FRAGRANCE
D Good source of the jitters D Absorbs nighttime rest D Cheaper than coke
D Live D Laugh D Haha, fuck that
D My cat has an Instagram D Lint rollers in the car D Dog people suck
Don’t talk to me before my coffee. I mean it. I need at least a full pot before I can even talk properly. I don’t know exactly how I got here but I’m definitely digging it. Without sporting vibrating knees and jittery teeth, is it really even me at this point? I wear caffeine like a suit of armor. My own personal suit of piping-hot, nutty-flavored, fullblown anxiety.
Calm down. So what if the world is going to hell in a hand basket? It’s like, yoga time. Meditation hour starts now. So pop in those AirPods, crank up the sounds of the rainforest, and reeelaaaax. The Zoom rager starts in two hours and I expect you kegstand ready!
Hairball much? Your cats are circling the tub, but don’t count on them joining you unless you really are bathing in warm milk. And maybe you are. You cat people are cuh-razy. I should know. I have 14. What? Don’t judge. My house may be full of hairballs and cat toys, but at least they don’t leave the toilet seat up. Most days.
THE COOL AUNT
JUICY GOSSIP FRAGRANCE
TOASTED MARSHMALLOW FRAGRANCE
D Your mom wasn’t always lame D Here’s 20 bucks D Wanna sip?
D Pairs well with couch time D Builds unwavering confidence D Bring me another beer
D Pairs well with daytime TV D Helps pass the time D Seamless segue into nighttime drinking
Honey, hand me that bottle? Your auntie needs another top-off. It’s been a week, I tell ya. Honestly, coming over to see my favorite niece and nephew is giving me life right now. I don’t know why your mom complains so much, you two are absolute angels. You know, she wasn’t always this strict. You should’ve seen her in high school, oh my lord, she used to…
Real men have curves. And now there’s no reason to feel guilty! Thanks to an incredible development in the “hot guy” category, Dad Bods are officially in; and 21-year-olds are officially into you. So toss out that kale salad and grab another box of Birthday Cake Oreos. At least when things seem gender unfair, you’re still coming out on the winning side.
It’s ten a.m. somewhere. Honestly, Saturdays were made for day drinking. And Sundays. And Fridays and Mondays and Thursdays. But don’t feel guilty about it. It’s exactly like going to brunch, except hold the chicken and waffles. You don’t want all that heavy grease and gluten screwing with your buzz anyway.
FEELING GOOD AS HELL
GRASSY DOG PARK FRAGRANCE
DOS MARGARITAS FRAGRANCE
D Drawer of embarrassing costumes D Wet chew toys everywhere D Cat people are freaks
D Fancy meeting you here D Just like yesterday D Barkeep!
Smells like drool. But you’re used to that, right? In fact, if I had to guess I’d say your dog is probably sitting in the tub with you right now. Not that I blame you. My dog Charlie is tucked in bed with me right now. And we’re wearing matching dog bone jammies.
Meet me after work? Haha. Like I have to ask. I’ll see you at 5:01 p.m. on our usual stools at our usual spot with our usual drinks. There’s such comfort in rituals. Speaking of rituals, I’m in the bathroom right now Snapchatting you on my fourth break of the day. Only two more breaks and it’s five! Cya soon!
That’s right. I do my hair toss, check my nails, baby how you feelin’? Yeah, that song had a moment. But you know what? I’m still feeling good as hell! Might be the booze talking (it is), but I think this year is gonna be my best ever.
D Find. D Who appreciates you.
CANDLE FGH-C 7
THE FIRST CHILD
BRAND-NEW EVERYTHING FRAGRANCE
GUM-SMACKING CO-WORKER FRAGRANCE
BOURBON IN MY COFFEE FRAGRANCE
D Reduces parental pressure D Keeps younger siblings out of your stuff D Is practically perfect, too
D Wake me up on Thursday D I’m already four coffees in D Yawn.
D Per. D My. D Last email.
Of course you get your own soap. And it’s only natural that you should get a candle, too. You were first, right? The eldest. The most important. But you’re also the family guinea pig, the one who is always the most responsible, and the one who must succeed at all costs. No pressure there, right?
Ugggggggh. It’s been a full year since Monday. I swear I can feel each individual cell in my body slowly dying to the beat of that annoying wall clock. And if Glen in the next cubicle doesn’t stop loudly smacking his gum I’m going to write a scathing note about gum chewing and post it on the bulletin board with all my other scathing notes.
Meetings. The icing on the arsenic cake that is any weekday morning, afternoon or evening. And speaking of evenings... didja have to schedule the WebEx for 6:15 p.m. on a Friday, Becky? All to tell me you’d put feedback in the Powerpoint? Because you couldn’t put that in a fucking email? Ok, I’ll text you all my feedback on Saturday at dawn.
THE FUN UNCLE
BLACK ICE FRAGRANCE
UMBRELLA DRINKS FRAGRANCE
GOLDEN HONEY FRAGRANCE
D Illegal fireworks D Red Bull D Don’t tell your parents
D Who cares if it’s only Tuesday D It’ll break up the week D Let’s do this
D You know what they say D Don’t hate the player D Hate the game
“Hey, beer me!” Just a little something my uncle would’ve said between shouting obscenities at the refs for “cheating” and the other kids for “being morons” at my Little League games growing up. Sure, he always got ejected in the end, but damn, those were the days…
Wait, what’s today? Oh, hahaha. Like I care. What’re we doing for lunch? Because I just found this adorable little bottle of mezcal under my car seat. That, plus a can of La Croix, and we’re in business! The lunch business, I mean. I do have to get back by 3 for a video conference on “User Engagement Post-Snapchat.” Whatever that means.
Grab your shovel. Hide your husbands (and sons), ladies, there’s a new gold digger in town. And hide your rich girlfriends, fellas, the pool boy is lookin’ pretty good these days. Kidding. Gold digging is one of the more noble professions. So much more respectable than say, embezzling or traumatizing the family dog, wouldn’t you say? Mad respect..
CANDLE GLD-C 7
I’M TOO SEXY
JELLY DOUGHNUT FRAGRANCE
BLOODY MARY FRAGRANCE
SEXY SYRUP FRAGRANCE
D Your/you’re D Their/there/they’re D Things I’ve just learned since Facebook
D Why do I do this to myself? D Last night was fun, lol D What’s on tap for tonight?
D Too sexy for this soap (candle) D Too sexy for this shirt D Too sexy for this syrup
Smells annoying. Wanted to shoot a quick message to let you know how impressed we all are that you finally figured out the difference between your and you’re, thanks to Facebook trolls. Welcome to the club, smarty pants. But as a club member, you now have to quit whining about everyone else’s grammatical errors. Trust me, you’re still making some.
Why do I do this to myself? The pounding headache, the cold sweat, the I’m-totally-gonna-vomon-my-way-to-work feeling… yep, the good ol’ fashioned hangover. I’m never drinking again. Well, except this Friday is happy hour at my fave biker joint, and I got some new leather pants for the occasion. Okay, I’m never drinking again ’til the weekend starts. Maybe.
Too sexy, baby. The truth hurts. At least for this less-sexy-than-me soap. I mean, it’s sexy and all, but not as sexy as moi. In fact, looking around, I’m a little too sexy for my surroundings, and I’m not just saying that because I’m sitting on a scratch-anddent sofa from IKEA and staring at a box of stale Sugar Smacks. But I am watching Scooby Doo so…
CANDLE SEX-C 7
IT’S 10 AM SOMEWHERE
BREAKFAST PALOMA FRAGRANCE
BUBBLE BATH BUDS FRAGRANCE
BLUE RASPBERRY JELL-O FRAGRANCE
D Me? Have a problem? D Well, maybe… D Just pour me another, ok?
D Hot showers D Ice cold AC D Netflix & chill
D Great solo activity D Respects your space D Won’t ask you to an event
Amateur hour. 10 A.M? Hah! I set my alarm every morning for 5:30 to get the party started. The early bird gets the buzz, as they say. I mean, if you think I’m going to tolerate selling shady car warranties over the phone all day, you better believe I won’t be sober. And as everyone knows, you can’t drink all day if you don’t start in the morning.
But it’s raining… Sorry, I don’t do rain. Or snow. Or heat. Unless it’s the absolute most-perfect, bug-free day of they year, I’m staying in. And why not? I’ve got books, heat, AC, food, ice cold drinks, Netflix, social media, hot water, my BED, and my CAT. I’m good to go. I prefer staying in and trash-talking with my rubber duckie, thank you very much.
People suck. That’s why you prefer to stay inside with your vintage stuffed animal collection. But even enjoying your own company requires some ambiance. Ideally from this candle in a non-confrontational ocean blue.
CANDLE TEN-C 7
PLAIN TAP WATER FRAGRANCE
SPIKY HAIR STYLING MOUSSE FRAGRANCE
LAUGHING BUDDHA FRAGRANCE
D Whatever D I’m not mad D It’s fine
D Stable genius D Blacklisted from Trader Joe’s D Facebook fanatic
D Ha. D Ha. D Ha.
No, really. It’s fine. I’m totally not going to write anything for this soap. It’s fine. I’m sure you’re fine with that. Totally fine. I mean, you only offered me a glass of lukewarm tap water when I came to your party. So it’s fine. Not payback or anything. I’m fine.
Who let her in here? Damn, we were all just minding our own business at Trader Joe’s and in stormed THIS walking can of hair spray. She startled me so much I dropped my non-dairy oat beverage! It’s the question that keeps haunting us all. No really, who let her in here?
What goes around... Comes around, we hope. And we’re not just talking about tricky STDs here, although, y’know, you reap what you sow. Hey! We didn’t invent karma. You put that good stuff out into the universe and you’re supposed to get it back, whether through good fortune, or limited-time, minimum-purchaserequired Olive Garden coupons.
SOAP K AR-S
CANDLE K AR-C
A MAN’S MAN
THE MIDDLE CHILD
BLIZZARD CAMPFIRE FRAGRANCE
PURPLE HAZE (GRAPE) FRAGRANCE
CHAOTIC KUMQUAT FRAGRANCE
D Good for bear wrasslin’ D Doesn’t talk much either D Will drink you under the hand-hewn table
D Magnifies misery D Your sister’s wedding was just beautiful D Who are you again?
D Anniversaries alone D Canceled vacation plans D Extended deployment... again
Smells like Alaska. Or what you imagine Alaska smells like while you’re watching reality TV and eating Cheetos on the recliner. We think it probably smells like wet bear fur and salmon, or a toasty campfire in the middle of a blizzard.
Who are you again? The only thing worse than being unnoticed is still being unnoticed when your hair is neon pink and you dress like you’re in the Matrix. Um, hello? Being the first child ain’t all that. The only people who think so are #1. My older sibling and #2. My dumb parents. And I haven’t even gotten to the part about the (cry)baby of the family. Ay caramba.
Where are we again? Pretty sure we were in Seattle yesterday but my phone says I’m now checking the local forecast in Virginia. You know what that means... time to find a new school for the kids! Again. Four cities in six years. And the kids had just figured out where their bedrooms were.
SOGGY CHEERIOS FRAGRANCE
DESIGNER DETERGENT FRAGRANCE
COVID CANDY BOWL FRAGRANCE
D Pants on backwards D Car keys in fridge D Baby in oven
D Alphabetized cereal D Color-coded closet D Coaster, please!
D I just closed my eyes for a sec! D I’m doing “market research” D Yes, with sunglasses on!
Phone in the fridge again. I used to have functioning brain cells, but that no-good husband of mine screwed me over and now I have feral children instead. If I have to hear, “Mom, he’s hitting me” and, “Call 911!” one more time, I swear to the Grey Goose god... Speaking of which, have you seen my double martini? And the baby? Both in the oven.
Everything in its place. Someone famous said that. Benjamin Franklin? Mary Poppins? Biggie? In any case, it’s a solid lifestyle choice, and one Marie Kondo would definitely approve of. Speaking of which, she would definitely approve of you, too, what with your sparkling clean counters and spotless sneakers. Truthfully, we’re all pretty jealous of you.
I wasn’t sleeping. I was thinking really hard. Yes, sometimes my eyes close and my head lolls back when I think really extra-hard. No really, it’s actually a chiropractic-recommended ergonomic posture for aligning the neck muscles to alleviate a myriad of back problems that can arise from desk work such as sciatica and... hey, where are you going?
CANDLE MOM-C 7
THE ONLY CHILD
SIPPY CUP WINE FRAGRANCE
CANDY APPLE OF MY EYE FRAGRANCE
SUMMER CAMP FRAGRANCE
D Pairs well with nap time D Is also tired of perfect moms D Your kids love you anyway
D Sharing? Never heard of it D What are “other people”? D My parents are my besties!
D Enhances sunsets D Improves the taste of granola D Pairs well with bug spray
Congratulations. You’re the world’s okayest mom! I’d get you a mug, but you know I swore off giving gifts years ago after Sue Ellen from high school forgot to publicly wish me a “Happy Birthday” on Facebook and destroyed my love of holidays forever. But let’s face it, perfect moms are the absolute worst. That’s why you’re so great!
Sharing? Never heard of it. Y’know, I’ll never understand, well, any relationship where I’m not the center of attention. See? Look at my phone. Ten new unread messages from Mom and four from Dad. And we all Skyped like 20 minutes ago. But don’t worry! I’m super adorable and the most important person on earth so you’ll never get sick of me.
Sunsets just get me. If I’m inside, you can bet I’m thinking of being out. I’m just never more comfortable than when I’m knee-deep in swamps, poison ivy, and cicadas. In fact, I once knitted an entire sweater out of coyote fur and campfire smoke. If you don’t believe me, check my Insta pics. I’m the one with the fierce abs, trail mix, and year-round suntan.
SOAP OK A-S
CANDLE OK A-C
SPICY CIDER FRAGRANCE
FIREBALL SHOTS FRAGRANCE
JELL-O SHOTS FRAGRANCE
D Yes, it’s real D I’m wearing red anyway D Can we NOT talk about my hair?
D I did what? D So THAT’S how I got that bruise D It was fun, though, right?
D 20% scary D Always exciting D 35% scarier after cocktails
Back off, pal. Know what I don’t care about? Your redhead fetish. Did it just develop the second you saw me, or were you always this creepy? And to the haters: Get a hobby, losers. You want to start a fight with me? I’m a true hot-headed, no-holds-barred ginger. I will take you down.
Welcome to the Shit Show. It’s poorly-produced, but what would you expect? It only took us six shots of Fireball to get here. Tonight, I mean. The shit show of my life needs no lubricant. All I have to do is roll out of bed, avoid the mirror and slink off to my day job to count the hours until it’s happy hour again. And look, it’s almost noon already! See you at the bar.
Unpredictable, but sexy. You have to admit it. There’s just something sexy about an unpredictable person. Excitement. Adventure. Danger. Yeah, okay. The danger thing is a little unsettling. Especially after they’ve had a few cocktails and fourteen jello shots in under an hour. But what the heck. At least you’ll have some good stories to tell come Monday.
VODKA VITAMIN WATER FRAGRANCE
D I have Ebola D My hamster ran away D I just found out I’m a hologram
D It’s just you and me, baby D And maybe a cinnamon roll D I’ll share.
D Gateway soap D Antagonizes DEA D Approved for medicinal purposes
I’m *cough* super sick. Otherwise, I would TOTALLY go to your [insert any social event here]. You know how much I love mingling. It’s just that I broke my glass eye again and then I set the waterbed on fire. Silly me, I know. We can catch up later this week... in text.
My soul mate? The truth of the matter is, that when I think of potential soul mates, I tend to think in terms of food, cats, booze, naps, Netflix, and knee socks. Oh. And you. Of course, you. I meant to say you first, I promise. As long as you’re not getting in the way of my other soul mates. Then you’re off the list.
It’s 4:20 somewhere... Blaze it! You don’t have to be in Colorado to get stoned; but it kinda helps when you don’t have to buy your grass from the sketchy high school D.A.R.E. officer like the rest of us. Best to keep this candle around for when the boys in blue show up. Its hypnotic shades of green and dank cannabis scent will provide the perfect cover.
THAT’S WHAT SHE SAID
THE TROPHY HUSBAND
POISONED APPLE FRAGRANCE
TRICKED-OUT PORSCHE FRAGRANCE
D IDK, CAN you go to the bathroom? D Don’t you dare say “Wikipedia” D I just realized I don’t even like kids
D Grilled foot D Broken plasma TV D Oaky afterbirth
D Looks good on your arm D Looks good in anything… or nothing D Jealous much?
It’s a snow day somewhere… But not for you! You have another full day of dealing with other people’s children AND their classroom shenanigans. And it’s not that you don’t love teaching. It’s more that nobody truly appreciates all the garbage you go through just to do your job. Isn’t it time people started thanking YOU for YOUR service?
Why is this so hard? That’s what she said! And who is she? The kinda person who has an office and a workspace, that’s who. I mean, what kind of sociopath can create in the same place they conduct business? Hey, I know when I get frustrated, or irritated, or angry—I just smell all my soap and candles. And poof! It goes away, just like that. And that’s what she said.
Sup. See that guy sitting poolside in the middle of a Tuesday afternoon like he doesn’t have a care in the world? Yep, that’s me. Okay, maybe I work two nights a week but I’m telling you, my wife pays all the bills. She’s the breadwinner around here and I’m a-ok with that. You got something to say about it? Too bad. Get back to work, loser.
CANDLE SHE-C 7
CANDLE TRO-C 5
WORKING FROM HOME
WHISKEY WITH A SPLASH OF COFFEE FRAGRANCE
D Pants-free devices
D Tired D Of D It
D Panic-based overcompensation D Usually buzzed
Oh yay… Another zoom meeting in ten minutes. I’m still on the one that started two hours ago and I don’t think it’s ever gonna end. How the heck am I supposed to refill my coffee mug with more whiskey now?
None to give. We hear you. You’re so over it you can’t even. This newly-concocted bad attitude is just what the doctor ordered! Plus, none of us really liked it when you were just a simple, caring, average Joe. So kudos to you! Even though you couldn’t give a F. We know. None to give.
Last Chance These beauites are going back in the Whiskey River Vault come next year. So get ’em while you can. They’ll be gone before you know it. We sure will miss them, though. Maybe they’ll be back again someday.
Magic Candles Magic Half-Pint Candles: Soy wax candle. Burn time: 40 hours. Half-pint can size: 2 ¾″ D × 3″ H. Net weight: 8 ounces. Sold in 4-packs.
INSTANT SEX APPEAL
BASIL, LIME, AND GRAPEFRUIT FRAGRANCE
JASMINE, SPICE, AND PEPPERCORN FRAGRANCE
OAK, ROSE, AND LEATHER FRAGRANCE
LAVENDER, OCEAN BREEZE, AND VANILLA FRAGRANCE
LIME, SAGE, AND PEPPERMINT FRAGRANCE
PATCHOULI, WARM WOOD, AND ORANGE FRAGRANCE
M C - S TA
Emergency Ambiance Candles Emergency Ambiance Travel Tin Candles: 100% soy wax scented with fragrance oils. Burn time: 4 one-hour emergency burns. Comes with “Emergency Ambiance” pack of matches under lid. Stainless steel tin size: 3 ⅛″ D × 1 ⅛″ H. 20 different 3-ounce candle styles sold in 4-packs.
FORGOT TO PAY THE ELECTRIC
EVIL PRESENCE DETECTED
PEPPERMINT PANIC FRAGRANCE
SPICY CHERRY FRAGRANCE
F O R -T
E V I -T
THIS PLAYLIST SUCKS
BURNING SAGE FRAGRANCE
GREEN APPLE FRAGRANCE
FRESH CLEAN HANDS FRAGRANCE
P L A -T
OT H -T
C O U -T
Liquid Castile Soap Variety Liquid Castile Soap and Astrology Liquid Castile Soap (Opposite): All-natural and organic castile liquid hand soap scented with organic essential oils. Bottle size: 2 ¼″ D × 6 ¼″ H. 8-ounce net weight. Sold in 4-packs.
PRETEND TO BE HAPPY
LEMON BASIL SCENT HAP-L
PINE & LIME SCENT SNA-L
PEPPERMINT & CEDARWOOD SCENT WHO-L
TANGERINE LIME SCENT B E T- L
ROSEMARY & MINT SCENT
FA K- L
AQ U - L
TAU - L
LEO - L
LIB - L
SCO - L
S AG - L
Matchbooks in Counter-Top Display: Set A and Set B: 64-pack of 20-strike safety matchbooks promoting imaginary businesses, made in USA. Display box size: 6 ½″ L × 6 ½″ W × 2 ½″ H.
Included but pictured: Skanky Timbo’s Found Meats, Vote Sneaky Carl, Outside the Box Cremation Services, and Garbage Vinyl.
Included but pictured: Budget Escorts, Your Mom Bail Bonds, Puritan’s Choice Moonshine, and The Lazy Susan Cleaning Service
Matchboxes Matchboxes in Counter-Top Display: Set C: 48-pack of matchboxes for imaginary businesses. Set F1: 36-pack of matchboxes with swear words. Display box size: 6 ½″ L × 6 ½″ W × 2 ½″ H.
Fantasy Destination Puzzles Jigsaw Puzzles: 1,000+ piece puzzles bagged and packed in sturdy, colorful boxes. Box size: 8″ × 10″ Puzzle size: 19 ½″ × 26 ⅞″. 3 different puzzle styles sold in 2-packs.
BAD DECISION BLUFFS BAD-Z
FOMO MOUNTAIN FOM-Z
HOT MESS DESERT HOT-Z
Candle Lit. Book Candle Lit. Volume One: 68 unique candles and descriptions; 5 ¾″ × 5 3/4″; velvet softcover, full-color pages. Sold in packs of 3.
A hilarious retrospective of some of our favorite candles over the years. A totable paperback perfect to take anywhere to entertain friends and foes alike. A great coffee table or bathroom read, if you’re into that kind of thing. (Apparently, not that many people are…)
C B -1 $12.95 ISBN 978-0-578-92024-5
9 780578 920245
Holiday Gosh, we sure do love the “Holidays” around here at Whiskey River—even more than knocking off work early to go to “Harbor Freight.” In fact we love the “Holidays” so much so that we’ve created a whole line of “Holiday” products for our favorite “Holiday,” the one in December… that “Holiday”. And no, we didn’t just do it for the money, if that’s what you’re thinking.
Vintage-Style Holiday Paint Can Candles Re-Gifted Christmas Past Vanilla and Amberwood CANDLE HPC-1
Holiday Paint Can Candles: 12-ounce soy wax candles in paint cans with a vintage-style label. Burn time: 50 hours. Can size: 3 ¼″ D × 3 ⅞″ H. Sold in 3-packs.
Merry Fucking Whatever Holiday Tree Cypress and Fir CANDLE HPC-2
Vintage-Style Holiday Half-Pint Paint Can Candles Christmas Shit Holiday Smell Cedar and Apple CANDLE HHP-1
Holiday Half-Pint Paint Can Candles: 8-ounce soy wax candles in paint cans with a vintage-style label. Burn time: 40 hours. Can size: 2 ¾″ D × 3″ H. Sold in 4-packs.
Holiday Hangovers Mulled Wine Merlot, Cinnamon, and Orange CANDLE HHP-2
Holiday Emergency Ambiance Travel Tins: Burn time: 4 one-hour emergency burns. Comes with “Emergency Ambiance” pack of matches under lid. Stainless steel tin size: 3 ⅛″ D × 1 ⅛″ H. Four different 3-ounce candle styles sold in 4-packs.
Crisis Wine Merlot, Cinnamon, and Orange
Hot Toddy Honey, Cinnamon, and Lemon
Home For The Holidays
Xmas Anxiety Peppermint and Vanilla
White Christmas Egg Nog
Holiday Pencil Sets: 8-pack of standard No. 2 pencils made in the USA. Box size: 7 ½″ H × 2 ½″ W. Sold in 4-packs. Holiday Pen Sets: 3-pack of black ink pens. Box size: 6 ¼″ H × 2″ W. Sold in 4-packs.
Naughty or Nice?
HO HO HO
HO! HO! HOE.
THE HOLIDAY FOR THE REST OF US
Will I crash the family Christmas party again and make a scene eating a whole thing of candy beans? Or will this be the year I finally buckle down and give everyone those hand-carved reindeer minatures I’ve been promising for so long? Who says I have to choose, anyway? I’m not taking advice from a damn box.
You know the best thing about the holidays? All the ho-ho-hoeing going on. It’s why they call it the most magical time of the year. And when I saw this pack of pens, I immediately thought of you. Who wouldn’t? When it comes to hoeing, you’re up there with the best of them. That’s why everyone invites you to parties. (Oh, and hey. I wasn’t calling you names or anything. I’m just jolly like that.)
“Many Christmases ago, I went to buy a doll for my son. I reached for the last one they had—but so did another man. As I rained blows upon him, I realized there had to be another way! The doll was destroyed. But out of that, a new holiday was born: ‘A Festivus for the rest of us!’” -Frank Costanza from Seinfeld episode “The Strike”
To Be Honest Holiday Gift Tag Stickers
It’s now easier than ever to give your gifts an extra dose of… honesty. Not a huge fan of the holiday season? Got a beef with your gift’s intended recipient? Did your shopping at 7/11? Say so with TBH gift tag stickers! TBH Holiday Gift Tag Sticker Pack: Two 8-sticker sheets with header card, size: 5″ × 9 ½″. Full-color. Sold in 8-packs. TAG-H
Holiday Uno Candles Who ever said the classics weren’t worth reading? Our singlewick holiday candles have been best-sellers year after year, and that ain’t no fluke. Hand poured by our team of highly festive candlemakers, these beauties are a tried and true holiday winner. Holiday Uno Candles: Soy wax candles with a kraft brown label. Burn time: 40 hours. Jar size: 2 ¾” D × 3 ½” H. Sold in 4-packs.
Ho Ho Hoes
Smells like sleeping through December
Smells like someone’s been up your chimney
Smells a heck of a lot more interesting than nice
Wake me up on New Year’s.
We’re talking about Santa, here. Come ON.
And you can go back to being good next year.
D Helps spread cynicism D For like-minded souls D Pass me the Ambien
D Ho D Ho D Ho
D Somebody has to do it D Holidays are a free pass D It’s go time
Mistletoe & Ambien
Garden Variety Mint
Apple Pie Moonshine
Smells like a re-gift
Smells like the rest of us
Smells like a full bottle of something
Hey! This candle is totally unique and I picked it out of my own gifts just for you.
Happy December 23rd. Thanks for disappointing me all year.
As long as it’s over 100 proof, I’ve got plenty of holiday spirit.
D Could have been worse D It was either this or toe socks D USED toe socks
D Still watches Seinfeld, too D Increases physical strength D Matches the aluminum pole
D Party season! D I’ll play Santa this year D Santa likes Bourbon now
ASTROLOGY pencil display
FREE when filled with pencils. Additional fee for extra displays.
FREE when filled with soap. Additional fee for extra displays.
FREE when filled with pencils. Additional fee for extra displays.
Pre-Packs All Astrology Pre-Packs come with 4 units each of all 12 signs.
Astrology Birthday Cards
What The Fucking Fuck Soap Page 60 110
The Boring Stuff ORDER MINIMUMS: First order: $150.00 minimum, any combination of current Whiskey River products. Re-orders: $100.00 minimum, any combination of current Whiskey River products. PAYMENT TERMS: New accounts: Prepaid via check, money order, cash, or credit card. Established accounts: Net 30. CONDITIONS OF CREDIT: All orders must be paid no later than 30 days from date shipped. A credit limit will be placed on your account. If your account exceeds this limit, pre-payment may be required. Customer shall pay Whiskey River Soap Company all costs, expenses, legal and collection fees as incurred in enforcing the terms and conditions as allowed by law. PAYMENT: Company check, money order, cash, credit card, PayPal, or ACH bank transfers SHIPPING: Orders shipped via UPS Ground unless otherwise specified. Freight charges will be determined at time of shipping and will be added to each invoice. All domestic freight charges are capped at 15% of the wholesale order total. All shipments will be charged the actual freight
cost of the order(s). Rates and service subject to change at any time at the sole discretion of Whiskey River Soap Company. CLAIMS: Any claims for damaged or mis-shipped items must be made within 7 days of receipt of merchandise by notifying your sales rep. Claims must be supported with photos of product, tracking number, and outer carton. RETURNS: Returns are not accepted for any merchandise unless items are damaged or mis-shipped. For damaged or mis-shipped items, a return authorization number is required and must appear on all related correspondence. All returned merchandise must be received within 30 days of receipt of merchandise and be in 100% resalable condition for credit. A 25% restocking fee will be deducted for items received in poor condition and/or received beyond the 30-day return window. Return freight is the responsibility of the customer and must be prepaid by the customer. PRICING: All prices are subject to the real object and may change without notice. This catalog and corresponding order form’s pricing supersedes all others. Current prices are effective from June 15, 2022.
A NOTE ABOUT OUR PRODUCTS: Soap and candles are perishable. Treat them as you would chocolate or a wounded kitten. They must be stored in cool, dry conditions to maintain optimum shelf life. Do not place products in direct sunlight or leave in warm, humid environments like a hot car or a Brazilian discotheque. FYI: Some of our candles have slightly revised copy on the labels because silly lines about “lathering up” don’t make a lick of sense on a candle and we adhere to a stringent 20% rule about making sense. FURTHERMORE: All our soaps and candles are handmade, so no two look exactly alike. Expect some deviation. INGREDIENTS: Some of our soaps contain a few extras, like glitter. The basic ingredients (printed on each label) are: coconut oil, palm oil, safflower oil, glycerine, purified water, sodium hydroxide, sorbitol, sorbitan oleate, soy bean protein, coloring, and fragrance. A FINAL WORD: Thanks for reading this far. Now we’re friends, and you can’t take it back. See you at my next bris. Oy! 111
“I taste like chicken!”
68 West Main Street, Newark, OH 43055 · (740) 973-9817 · whiskeyriversoap.com