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February 22, 2013 12 Adar 5773

HAPPY PURIM! Purim Spoof: None of the “news stories” on these pages are true, and all of the material is meant to be taken in the spirit of happiness and humor


Special section begins on page 48


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HAPPY PURIM! The holiday of Purim, which is celebrated on the 14th of the Hebrew month of Adar (this year, Sunday, Feb. 24), is one of the most joyous holidays on the Jewish calendar. It was instituted, according to Megillat Esther, by Mordechai to celebrate the deliverance of the Jews from Haman’s plot to kill them. The tradition of Purim fun — many synagogues will put on shpiels, plays that re-enact the Purim story, and poke fun at the villain Haman and at life in general — is almost as old as the holiday itself. In modern times, many Jewish newspapers have joined the fun, providing “special” satirical and amusing Purim content. These next few pages are our attempt. Of course, none o f t he “news sto ries” on these pages are true, and all the material is meant to be taken in the spirit of fun in which it is written. Happy Purim! — Maayan Jaffe

Baltimore Jewish Times February 22, 2013

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Your Say …

| News Briefs

Not Entitled To Differing Opinions Apparently the JT is unaware that for centuries Jews have eaten their toast with the butter side down (“Sunny Side Up,” Your Say …, Jan. 4). The fact that the JT would allow a reader to write about eating his bread butter side up, an opinion that is in contrast to my own, makes me re-think my subscription. For Heaven’s sake, the JT is the voice of the Baltimore Jewish community, not those within it who wish to destroy the way it’s always been done. Setin Myways Baltimore

We Are Really The Best

Chai Heels Owings Mills

STAR-K PUBLISHES KASHRUS GUIDE The Va’ad HaKashrus of Baltimore has published a new guide to keeping kosher in the city. The 1,400-page, 23-volume work entitled, “The Easy Reference Guide to Understanding Kashrus in Baltimore,” is available for $613 at Shabsi’s Judaica Center and Pern’s Hebrew Book & Gift Shop; Shabsi’s is also carrying the 40-page addendum of Talmudic sources, footnotes and lawsuits. However, neither store will carry the Baltimore Jewish Times. A Market Pantry version is available for half price at the Pikesville Target. Representatives from Star-K said despite this new comprehensive piece, they will continue to regularly update the 7-Eleven slurpee list on their website and at area convenience stores. — Maayan Jaffe

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Shoe lifts have a bad reputation, ridiculed by the masses, as if wanting to look taller or simply make the most of your appearance was frowned upon. I don’t use shoe lifts myself, but I have always discovered it extremely hypocritical that an imageenhancement method ought to be frowned upon by so many people. I assume that the individuals that mock wearers of shoe lifts have combed their hair or shined their shoes and maybe even ironed their clothes at least once in their lives. I might be wrong, but I seriously doubt it. Combing hair, shining shoes and ironing clothes are all tasks performed to increase a person’s physical attraction; certainly being taller can also be an appealing quality that some may wish to attain. No, this does not have anything to do with anything you wrote about or anything going on in the world, but I want people to buy shoe lifts from me, and I don’t want to pay for an ad.

5:07 PM

I Want To Sell My Product

The local chapter of Women in Red and Gold has announced its intention to build more Jewish homes in areas outside of Pikesville, Park Heights, Owings Mills, Reisterstown and Mt. Washington. Apartments will be rented and homes bought along the I-83 corridor, in downtown and in Guilford and Roland Park. “Not living in all areas of Baltimore is effectively denying the Jewish people’s claim to our homeland. In looking at maps of ancient Jewish Baltimore,” said one representative of the group, “it appears Jews used to live outside of Pikesville. We call on all Jews to return to safeguard state and public lands for the Jewish people.” The spokeswoman said there is no reason for Jews to restrict themselves to living within five contiguous ZIP codes. She called on all Jews to take part in a mass rally and march from the Lloyd Street Synagogue to Fells Point, which will take place the Sunday after Purim. A keynote address will be delivered by Rabbi Jessy Gross. The “roaming rabbi” has not determined the exact location for the talk — bar, coffee shop or city park. — Maayan Jaffe


I.B. Sel-Fish Pikesville

Under The City Line


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Your recent article on That Synagogue (“Cool Clergy,” Jan. 11) completely ignored Our Synagogue. Located right in Pikesville, Our Synagogue is Baltimore’s premier place of worship. We have members, too. There was no reason to overlook Our Synagogue in favor of That Synagogue. Our Synagogue had more than 30 percent of its members attend Rosh Hashanah services, and the prayers took place right in the sanctuary. I think it is time for all the JT employees to daven for overlooking Baltimore’s best house of prayer!

Local News |

CARDIN JOINS FOX NEWS Maryland Democrat to provide liberal voice for conservative network By Ron Snyder

SARAH PALIN IS OUT. Sen. Ben Cardin is in at

Fox News. at’s the word coming out of Rupert Murdoch’s “fair and balanced” network following President Barack Obama’s State of the Union address last week. Following an election night where Fox admits it was caught completely off guard at the pulse of the country, the network decided to mix things up. The network decided not to re-sign Palin, the former Alaska governor and vice presidential candidate, and political analyst Dick Morris, but instead reached out to Cardin, a Maryland Democrat. Cardin accepted the offer to be a regular unpaid contributor to Fox News’ popular programs such

as “The O’Reilly Factor” and “Hannity.” “We really, really thought Mitt Romney was going to win the White House and the GOP would control both houses of Congress after the election,” a Fox News official said on condition of anonymity. “Man, were we wrong. Ben Cardin has never lost an election, and we need a winner on our roster.” For his part, Cardin said he is excited about the opportunity to work with Fox News. e veteran legislator mulled over the opportunity for weeks, but decided to move forward when it was brought to his attention that no one watches MSNBC, the liberal alternative to Fox.

Nobody’s Buddy Former JCC executive director faces painful reality

After reports surfaced of his anemic Facebook account, Louis Sapolsky said he just couldn’t continue on as “Buddy.”

By David Snyder

Just a couple of months ago, the JT told readers

about the impressive career of former JCC Executive Director Louis “Buddy” Sapolsky in a cover story, “Still Everybody’s Buddy.” Well, it turns out that Sapolsky was pretty much nobody’s buddy all along. A recent analysis of Sapolsky’s Facebook page — widely accepted as the true barometer of one’s social stature — revealed that the 68-year-old could claim only nine Facebook friends. Further

to stimulate some kind of activity on my Facebook account, I kindly ask that everyone refers to me as Louis.” To put things in perspective, Facebook has more than 1.06 billion users worldwide, meaning that Sapolsky is friends with just .00000008 percent of the Facebook community. Sapolsky’s astonishing lack of popularity has Facebook brass questioning how someone could use the website for such a long period of time but

Baltimore Jewish Times February 22, 2013

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investigation of his Facebook wall revealed only six posts dating back to the beginning of 2012 (and those were just superficial “happy birthdays”). In an interview with the JT, a somber Sapolsky acknowledged his digital shortcomings and declared that, in light of the findings, he would no longer go by “Buddy.” “After a great deal of soul searching, it has dawned on me that ‘Buddy’ is not an appropriate name for who I am,” Sapolsky said. “Until I am able

“It will be nice to have my message heard for a change,” Cardin said. “Sean Hannity and I don’t agree on much, but we met for a ‘beer summit’ and I discovered he’s not a bad guy. Plus, they gave [former Arkansas Gov.] Mike Huckabee a show. Really? Who’s he? Why can’t that be me when I decide to retire from the Senate?” But sources say the clincher for Cardin was the treatment he received in a hostile interview late last year with CNBC anchor Maria Bartiromo. In a discussion of “fiscal cliff ” negotiations, Bartiromo asked Cardin, “Are you guys incompetent or what?” at’s not the type of treatment Democrats usually expect to receive from the same family of networks that employ Rachel Maddow, Ed Schultz and Chris Matthews. “That’s not supposed to happen to a Democrat on an NBC network,” a Cardin aide said. “We’ll show them who’s incompetent.” JT Ron Snyder is a JT staff reporter —

still yield so few relationships. “I’ve been at this for a while, and I’ve never seen a Facebook account so remarkably barren,” a highranking Facebook representative said. “We at Facebook pride ourselves on sparking relationships

“I’ve been at this a long time, and I’ve never seen a Facebook account so remarkably barren.” — High-ranking Facebook representative on Sapolsky’s lack of Facebook iends

between individuals across the world. e sad case of Mr. Sapolsky has forced us to re-examine our corporate strategies and design new ways for even the most introverted users to flourish.” After stepping down from the JCC in December, Sapolsky said he’s going invest the majority of his free time on enlarging his Facebook footprint. He plans to set aside hours each day to friend thousands of users, whether he knows them or not. “It’s time to break free from the cocoon and spread my wings,” an encouraged Sapolsky said. “And until I do, call me Louis.” JT

Bogus Experience JCC staffer fakes way onto Maccabi roster By David Snyder Photo by Justin Tsucalas

It’s images like this that propelled Maccabi Anyone who has ever met Paul officials to discover that Lurie knows that the 31-year-old standout player Saul Reisterstown native is completely Curry was actually JCC enthralled with the JCC Maccabi Maccabi Experience Games. Director Paul Lurie. No one ever thought he would take that passion quite this far. The JCC Association of New York City announced this week that the Baltimore delegation will be forced to forfeit several medals after an investigation uncovered that Lurie, Baltimore’s Maccabi experience director for the past nine years, actually played on the teams he was instructed to oversee. “The Maccabi Games have always been an awesome way to connect teens with their Jewish peers in a competitive, yet sociable, environment,” said one Jewish Community Center Association executive on condition of anonymity. “Apparently, some people have trouble letting that experience go.” A former Maccabi player and coach, Lurie laments that he could not find an appropriate way in which to quell his unyielding love for the Games. “For close to a decade I lived vicariously through hundreds of Maccabi athletes,” Lurie said. “It came to the point where even that just wasn’t enough.” Registering under the phony name Saul Curry, Lurie used a thick pair of glasses and a mock set of braces to appear younger during tryouts. He also went weeks without washing his face to give the impression that he was dealing with a mild episode of teenage acne. Still, top Maccabi officials are perplexed as to how a full-grown man standing 6 feet 4 with a daily 5 o’clock shadow was able to fool coaches into thinking he was a teen. They began investigating Lurie after a game in which he tallied 45 rebounds and 27 blocked shots — both all-time Maccabi records. “I admit I thought it was odd when I saw Lurie walking out of Maryland Live Casino,” said Maccabi coach Joe Smurfling. “But he was such a dominant player on the court that I opted not to ask myself the tough questions such as, ‘Didn’t I play against this guy when I was in high school?’” In a news release, the JCC announced that, in spite of his transgressions, Lurie will be suspended — not fired. In order to regain his job, Lurie is required to complete self-identity training with Jewish Community Services. “I want to return and be a part of the Maccabi experience again,” Lurie said. “But unless someone builds a time machine (wink, wink), my playing days are certainly over.” JT

David Snyder is a JT staff reporter —

David Snyder is a JT staff reporter —


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For A Supersize Bagel INGREDIENTS 1,080 lbs. dough 675 lbs. flour 900 gallons water 53 lbs. malt DIRECTIONS

Get a minyan to help you mix dough and knead. Let rise for six hours; punch down, form into bagel shape, and let rise under damp cloth (or Sukkah-size tent cloths) for two more hours. Boil in tank. Lift and drain. Bake at 300 degrees for just over 10 hours. BALTIMORE OFFICIALLY has topped the charts as home to the world’s largest bagel. No, it is not in “The Guinness Book of World Records.” The feat has been authenticated by a more reliable source, “The Gevalt Book of World Records.” Gevalt officials hold fast to the Jewish standard: “opinion above knowledge.” Goldberg’s New York Bagels closed for two weeks. They “kneaded” more than a minyan; a team of 20 mixed 1,000 pounds of dough. Leftover sukkah tarps were used to cover the dough for the second rise. A custommade boiler and oven were installed on the fields at Fort McHenry. A rabbi with Hollywood connections brought his friend, Harrison Ford, to help officiate and supervise the cooking. This riled the Orthodox community, which pointed out that since Ford is only half-Jewish, only half of the bagel would be kosher. Which half? That question kept students from the Talmudical Academy busy for hours. While the bagel baked in the ginormous oven created

by engineering students from Johns Hopkins University and members of Hillel. Talmudical Academy students finally declared that the top half of the bagel was kosher. Danken Gott! When the big bagel arrived at Harborplace, it was greeted by 50,000 hungry Baltimore Jews. For an accurate weight, a truck scale was donated by the Baltimore Ravens. The bagel weighed 870 pounds. The authenticators toasted with kosher Herzog wine and yelled, “Oy Gevalt!” Thus, the bagel officially passed into “The Gevalt Book of World Records.” Oars from the Constellation were used to schmear the schmear. If you want to make your own supersize bagel, see the recipe above. You’re on your own for the construction equipment. JT Ilene Spector is a local freelance writer.

Baltimore Jewish Times February 22, 2013

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for the occasion, the famous left-handed deli lox-slicer guy at Edmart spent his time slicing 500 pounds of Nova lox for 180 hours. The cream cheese had to be gathered from every Baltimore deli and supermarket, and local cows had to be enlisted. It was said that Ford put on his famous Indiana Jones hat and went on horseback to check the dairy farms. This could not be confirmed, as no paparazzi were present in the rural areas. Most photographers were readying for the big event, when the bagel would be hoisted by crane onto the top deck of the USS Constellation and floated into the main staging area at Harborplace. I-83 North and I-695 to Reisterstown Road were closed for 24 hours, while the cream cheese was transported on a float accompanied by cheering students from Bais Yaakov School For Girls. (They were not dressed as cheerleaders, merely cheering. And they cheered in unison so as not to transcend the prohibition against kol isha.) They traveled on rollerblades designed



hen they married in 2003, Jeff and Laura Meshugenstein told the Baltimore Jewish Times they had found their soul mates. Ten years later, in a follow-up interview, the Meshugensteins, now in the process of a bitter divorce, are singing a different tune. “Jeff makes my skin crawl,” said Laura Meshugenstein, who plans to change her name back to Kvetchbaum after the divorce is finalized. As she sipped a venti skinny Frappachino at Starbucks at Festival of Woodholme on a recent afternoon, Laura Meshugenstein called her soon-to-be ex “a pathetic loser.” “I can’t stand the sight of him,” she said. Reached yesterday at his workplace, Big Macher Inc., Jeff Meshugenstein, a 43-year-old Pikesville native and Pikesville High School graduate, said his marriage to Laura was the biggest mistake of his life. “My mother warned me that she would give me nothing but tsuris. And every day since our wedding has been a living nightmare,” he said. The couple met in 1992 aboard the JewsCruise, a sunset boat ride at the Inner Harbor arranged by The Amalgamated: Jewish Community Sorority of Yentas. After a great deal of haranguing from her grandparents, Laura Kvetchbaum agreed to try an evening aboard; friends jokingly called the boat the “Shtup Boat.” At 30 and still smarting from being left at the


altar by preschool boyfriend Jeremy Feinspecimen, Kvetchbaum was cautiously optimistic. Jeff Meshugenstein was also aboard the Jews Cruise that night. Although he had arrived with a date, Meshugenstein had grown tired of her early in the evening and discreetly pushed her overboard. After a few drinks, he decided to find a new date for the remainder of the ride. The rest is history — or misery. Laura Meshugenstein said the couple remained married for 10 years because they didn’t want to traumatize their three pet rabbits, Sarah, Leah and

Rebecca. “Now that the last of the rabbits has passed away (see obituaries on page 33) we can go our separate ways.” Divorce proceedings will be handled by Laura Meshugenstein’s attorneys, Matzaberg, Schmutzie and Schlemiel, and Jeff Meshugenstein’s attorneys, Schnorrer, Bulschitzer and Whiner. A May divorce is planned. JT Simone Ellin is JT senior features reporter


Kin Reconnected: All it took was one visit to “The Maury Povich Show” to confirm what we suspected all along. Dr. Art Abramson, you are the father! A DNA test conducted by the team at “Maury” revealed that Abramson, executive director of the Baltimore Jewish Council, indeed fathered Baltimore Jewish Times staff photographer David Stuck. Whether it’s the clever smile, the need for bifocals or the crisply parted hair, both Abramson and Stuck acknowledge there is no denying the resemblance. “It’s so awesome to finally identify my father and see what a great service he has provided and continues to provide for the Baltimore Jewish community,” Stuck said. “We’ve done several photo shoots together, and each time I felt like I was taking pictures of myself. Turns out, I kind of was.”


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PISHER — Sam and Elana (nee Plotzing) PISHER are thrilled to announce the potty training of their 4-year-old daughter, Mayim. Mayim was fully trained on Feb. 18, 2013 while under the care of her bubbie, Fanny Plotzing, who decided “enough was enough.” Now that she is potty trained, Mayim will enroll in the Pacifier-Reduction School of Baltimore.

Out & About

Justin Tsucalas

Potty Training

February 22, 2013 - Purim  

February 22, 2013 - Purim

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