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NOVEMBER 12, 2020 | The Jewish Home OCTOBER 29, 2015 | The Jewish Home
with, and be comfortable with, each other’s families. You should each be capable of bringing out the very best in each other. Are there special issues pertaining to second marriages?
Obviously, a divorced person should be sure to understand, and avoid repeating, what went wrong the first time around. Take things very, very slowly, and: Avoid jumping into a second mar-
“Nice” does not a marriage make.
riage out of a sense of desperation or loneliness. Avoid marrying on the rebound, merely in order to spite the first spouse. If there are children involved, make sure there will be a commitment to, acceptance of, and affection toward
the children. Here’s hoping your friend has better success the second time around.
else, that typically does not bode wel l. Perh ap s most important is truly enjoying each other’s company. Feeling like best friends. Feeling like you have a partner in life. Someone who supports you. Someone who sees you; warts and all...and doesn’t love you despite your “flaws,” but thinks your “flaws” are beautiful. To be with someone who accepts you exactly as you are. To be with someone who you can have fun with; share laughter with; who you can have conversations with. To be with someone who you would like to sit and have coffee with (or whatever you enjoy) forever. To be with someone with whom you share similar values and life goals. There are thousands of “nice” people dating right now. “Nice” is how I would describe an interaction at an establishment. The waiter was “nice.” The ambiance was “nice.” The cashier was “nice” to me at checkout. My neighbor is “nice.” “Nice” does not a marriage make. “Nice” is not enough. Many divorced people will tell you that they did not listen to their intuition before they got married. They were perhaps encouraged by well-meaning mentors, parents, friends or rebbeim to get married with the hope that the feelings would grow. Many will tell you that they were not mature enough to marry or did not know themselves or what they wanted for their lives at that point in time. And many will tell you (sometimes truthfully and sometimes not) that they were completely blindsided in some way or another by their for-
mer spouses. And this person did a complete 180. As a general guideline, please trust your intuition. I hope that everyone who is dating has close friends and family whom they can bring their partner around. If you trust your friends and family, please ask for their feedback. If someone you love presents a significant concern, do not “poo poo” it. Second-timers need to date for a long time. (Please consult with your rabbinic authority as to the halachic ramifications of the process I suggest. I cannot and do not speak to that as it is entirely out of the scope of my practice.) Second-timers should ide-ally date for at least a year. See this person in lots of different settings, at a restaurant, with your family and children, with her family and children, with her friends etc. It is also important for your friend and all divorcees to assess what his new partner has learned about herself from her previous marriage. Even if there is appropriate and valid “finger pointing,” has she evolved from that life experience? Look for his/her takeaway. People with zero “takeaway” and complete finger pointing are sometimes (if not very often) absolutely not ready to embark on a new relationship. It is as if they pack up their valise and simply unpack all the same dirty laundry from the first marriage, completely unaware that they are repeating the exact same cycle or something similar in nature. When there are children involved, as is most often the case in Orthodox divorces, it is imperative that the families work together (often with the help of a therapist) to blend properly. If a child senses something off with-
Pulling It All Together The Navidaters Dating and Relationship Coaches and Therapists
T
his is an excellent question that is relevant to so many divorcees, who are also singles. Most of our questions are about firsttime singles and marriages. I’m so glad you wrote in. Thank you! The advice I have to offer will be general and may not pertain to your friend. Every marriage, including those marriages that ended in divorce, is unique. I would encourage your friend and all divorcees to begin therapy, if they haven’t already done so. When a long-term, and even a short-term, marriage ends, there is always so much to process. Some divorced people will begin recovering from abuse or neglect, a spouse’s addiction or a personal one, a death of a relationship, mental illness of one’s own or one’s former spouse. Some spouses are left quite out of the blue, having thought they had a beautiful relationship. Regardless of the circumstances, when two people are married, they form an attachment; creating one life together. Divorce is a death. And while for some it is a welcome one, for most it is a devastating process as wanted or as unwanted as it was. To make matters worse, there is no mourning period that is honored by the community. There is no shul committee rallying around divorced people sending meals or acknowledging the loss in any way. Many well-meaning friends and family do not acknowledge the divorce at all because they simply don’t know what to say. Divorced people are
sometimes not included in their previous married social circles anymore and must go through feelings of loneliness and isolation, all while worrying about their children and how the divorce will impact them. Many are dealing with a new, scary financial reality. And then, at some point, the desire to connect to a new life partner begins to take root. Many divorced people are left wondering the very same thing your friend is. How will I know when she is the right one? There is typically a lot of valid fear surrounding the prospect of dating and marriage, round 2. Having experienced the excruciating pain of divorce, worst of all watching the children suffer, who wouldn’t think twice (and three and four and a hundred times) before walking down the aisle...again? So, secondly, please offer your friend validation, which will likely serve to calm his nerves. People who walk out of divorces pointing the finger and eager to jump into their next relationship present much greater concern in my mind than those with some healthy reservation and concern. What makes a healthy relationship? Having physical attraction, a chemistry, a strong desire to be around this person. Respect. Admiration. Zero instinct or desire to change this other person in any way, shape or form. When people enter a marriage hoping to change someone
