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Fifth Estate Your tri-yearly dose of pomposity pricking, political parodying and pointless puns Issue 1 Winter/Spring ‘Exclusive’ Interview with David Cameron

Cameron & Clegg to rival P Diddy The real reason the Government with the ECHR An AV campaigner’s insight


Letter from the Editor Hello, and welcome to the first edition of Fifth Estate. Firstly, congratulations! By opening this magazine, you have already demonstrated great initiative in rising above a sea polluted by the politically apathetic, in order to indulge in the most effective and efficient method of political participation. At a time of declining trust in politicians, pauses, backtracks, lies and broken promises, it’s time we did what we Brits do best, and find the funny side. Fifth Estate is here to kind of inform you of the most prominent activity of Government over the last four months, but we hope to leave you with the satisfied glow of having laughed at things beyond your control. Political satire is our future. As we succumb to power lying with elitist millionaires churned out from Eton, we are starting to see the point in not only holding the Government to account, but indulging in shallow jokes at the expense of politicians. In this issue, amongst many other things, we will look at the lost battle of the Alternative Vote, the NHS Reform Bill and the struggles of poor Nick Clegg. Enjoy!


January

1

David Cameron Gives Exclusive Interview on the Famous Rat of Ten Downing Street Amid rumours of a fame hungry rat stalking the corridors, we were invited into 10 Downing Street for an exclusive on the rat problems So David, we’ve been told that people are starting to smell a rat, is this correct? Yes, unfortunately so. There’s been footage of the rat scurrying past Number 10 on two separate television news bulletins. Unfortunately, one of the times was whilst a reporter was talking about my good friend Andy Coulson and his resignation, which was purely a coincidence.

Of course. Can you tell us what the next step of action will be?

gotten inside, we’ve laid down state of the art rat traps.

Yes, we’ve had discussions with Battersea Dogs and Cats Home in order to hopefully keep the problem at bay from now on.

Have you had any luck choosing the right cat from the Dogs and Cats home?

What about the rats that are running around at the moment? Well, obviously, we can’t do anything about the ones outside the walls of Downing Street, but in case they’ve

Chancellor of the Wrong Trousers

Run PMC After the success of their first and only project together, building a desk, best buddies Nick Clegg and David Cameron have decided to move onto the next step of their friendship and pursue a rap career together. The down-with-the-kids duo have decided that, due to their seemingly increased popularity with youngsters, especially students, there’s no better time than the present to release their debut single ‘Cutz’. The rap song includes lyrics such as ‘we’ll cut your pension, we’ll cut your pay, but we’re spittin’ in the mic so it’s all okay’. The pair

At this point we unfortunately had to cut the interview short, as David was rushed to hospital with a rat trap caught stuck to his foot. This also, was purely a coincidence.

also have managed to persuade Anne Widdecombe to dance on the music video. Nick Clegg has admitted that he has let Cameron write all the lyrics: “I had some great ideas for lyrics before I merged my creative talents with Dave’s, but now I prefer his ideas,” he said. The dynamic duo have already decided where all the proceeds for the single will go. “We want the profits to go to someone who really needs it,” Clegg said. All proceeds will go to Gordon Brown.

In the House of Commons, during Prime Ministers’ Stand up Comedy Time, David Cameron referred to Ed Miliband and Alan Johnson respectively as ‘Wallace and Gromit’. Not only did this subsequently lead to Mr Johnson’s dramatic resignation as Shadow Chancellor, but also influenced a series of satirical sketches in The Times newspaper. The sketches involved the merging of Ed and Wallace’s faces to create a…surprisingly still recognisable Ed. The sketches portrayed Wallace and Gromit in what they have called a ‘very degrading light’, and they have decided to take action against the newspaper. Wallace told the press: “We don’t want people to associate us with the Labour party, and we don’t see this is a very complimentary comparison. We’ve worked very hard throughout our careers to publicly remain politically impartial.” Ed Milliband’s cabinet have denied that they see the resemblance, including Wendolene. Sorry, Harriet Harman.


2

One Campaigner’s Battle The majority of jobs put you in contact with the general public at some point, it’s inevitable. One very direct exposure to the wonderful British population is campaigning. The great thing about campaigns is that they’re usually political in some way, and it’s common knowledge that mixing the general public and politics is as clever an idea as putting Katie Price on a Question Time Panel. Britons hold the potential to be thoroughly fascinating. ‘People Watching’ is slowly becoming an international sport, and the reason for the success of many coffee shops, I would imagine. However, add politics to the mix and this turns into a beautiful spectrum of anger, apathy, and confusion. Not to mention, utter psychos.

“Mixing the general public and politics is as clever an idea as putting Katie Price on the panel of Question Time.” As a student, I have quite a bit of time on my hands, in-between naps, avoiding my landlord and ringing student finance. I took it upon myself to be the lead of the national campaign ‘Yes to Fairer Votes’, on a local level in my University city. Talking to locals when dressed in purple, clutching a matching pile of leaflets and balloons makes me a great target for those fed up with the Government (everyone, apparently). The campaign aimed to raise awareness of the Alternative Vote referendum. However, as soon as the words ‘fair’ or ‘democracy’ came out of my fake smile, most people ran away before I had the chance to wave a balloon in their face. If only there was a way to get through to people without having to talk to them. My favourite thing about the campaign is its optimism. ‘Say Yes’ is the campaign’s catch line, so why is it when I shout this out on the streets, all I get is droll replies of ‘no!’. Do people not listen? One tactic I adopted involves the slight exploitation of children. If I was a middle age man with any hint of a beard I’d probably be sent to jail for it. I enticed children walking past with the

promise of a free balloon so parents had no choice but to come over and talk to me. And then the rest of the day, this poor child, unbeknown to them, became a great advertisement , as the balloons had the campaign’s website written on it. However, this plan didn’t really work out as I’d hoped. It mostly led to crying children walking past with a face full of lost hope, being dragged along by busy parents who have yet to see that their child’s face looks like they’ve just seen Spongebob Square Pants get murdered by Santa Claus. Another favourite moment so far was an argument with a very angry man. “I’m very against this vote,” he spat in my face, “I don’t want BNP voters’ second vote to count”. This was his only argument, and I regret to tell you that I argued back. As he stubbornly repeated his offensive views, he casually dropped into conversation “I used to be MP here, you know”. You know that feeling of the stomach dropping? Well I’m still yet to recover it. He ended the argument with “well good luck anyway”... why say something you quite clearly don’t mean? It’s a wonder why he’s not MP anymore. One great testament to the general public was when a fellow journalism student decided to film me one week as part of a project. Under the direction ‘pretend you’re not being filmed and just act normal’, I tried my hardest to block the camera from my peripheral vision and talk to a woman who walked past. After a few seconds of conversation, she turned her head in disgust and asked if she was being filmed. She proceeded to run towards the poor guy behind the camera and ask for his details and for him to delete the footage on the spot. One argument of the campaign is that the Alternative Vote, if implemented earlier, would have lessened the extent of the expenses scandal. Someone with an admirable sense of humour decided to send campaigners objects with a slight link to the scandal to campaign with. So, one weekend, there stood on the corner of the street in a Northern city, with a rubber duck, bottle of Mr Muscle and a toilet seat. Not many people made the link. A joke that needs explanation is never a funny joke. I wasn’t far away from wearing the toilet seat on my head. Talking to the public about the

campaign demonstrated that the general consensus was a lack of understanding coupled with a lack of caring.

“One tactic I have adopted involves the slight exploitation of children.” What baffled me the most is that peoples’ main reaction was to laugh. Was this nervous laughter? A scornful laugh at the hope of improvement? One woman said to me that she was against the vote as she wants to see Nick Clegg humiliated. I tried to respond but she walked off saying “well I’m having dinner with Ed Miliband in a few weeks so we’ll discuss it then”. Phone canvassing turned out to be a great campaign-related activity. I’d ring people up and asking them to vote yes. On my first try, I sat down with a nice long list of names and numbers and the very first house I rang replied to my ‘Hi I’m campaigning for…’ speech with “this isn’t a good time, we’ve just had a family grievance”, which, in all honesty, wasn’t the very best possible start. Campaigning is not only valuable to the cause, it’s valuable to the campaigner. It gives a great idea of the public consensus and where people stand on a matter. Watching people walking in the distance, then running past me with a genuine look of fear in their face as they see someone with a leaflet really demonstrates the level of disengagement. we have. Either that, or maybe I really just don’t suit purple.


3

Feburary

To ‘av it or not to ‘av it Nick Clegg and David Cameron were recently involved in their first public dispute since the formation of the Coalition. Clegg and Cameron held opposing views on the Alternative Vote Referendum. Cameron began his involvement in the campaign a few days later than Clegg: ‘I just needed time to comprehend the fact that Clegg came into this coalition wanting electoral reform, and he’s still in support of it. What an influential man and politician.’ Cameron is fiercely against the prospect of a new voting system. He said: “AV will be a disaster if voted through. I’m not against it because I want Conservatives to stay in Government,

nor because I disagree with increased accountability. I am against AV because I know, as a man who cares deeply about every member of society, that AV is too complicated. The Conservatives care about everyone, and for Labour supporters especially, who will be the worst off if AV comes into practice” Nick Clegg, however, has different ideas on AV. “It’s about time we had a political system that the public have faith in. It’s about time that politicians kept to their word. It’s time to live in a proper democracy where our House of Commons represents society’s views. If I’m in Government, I want it to be because the majority put me there.” Clegg later retracted his last statement due to legal reasons.

The great big society As David Cameron encourages us to volunteer, and get involved in our own communities – one man takes his initiative to a higher level. Instead of hosting a street party, setting up a school or helping to save his local library, Mr D. I. Why had other ideas. Mr Why strolled into Downing Street, easily getting through security by dangling something shiny and informing the guards ‘not to worry’ as ‘we’re all in this together’. He then sat himself down at Cameron’s desk, who had gone out to get a Starbucks’ card and Latin Dictionary due to fears he wasn’t pretentious enough.

D set to, as he put it, ‘doing some f*cking work’, and started his day by taking Andy Coulson off speed dial. Cameron described his ‘Big Society’ idea as “devolving power to the lowest level and giving people the opportunity to take part in the lives in their communities. The Big Society is about changing the way our country is run.” Well, it seems that his latter statement has come back to hit Cameron in his shiny, pompous face, as when he returned to Number Ten, the budget deficit had halved, Mr Why had miraculously found a way to not make poor people even poorer, and Clegg had learnt how to say the words ‘No, David.’

A fool-proof plan The Cabinet has shown its displeasure towards the ruling of the European Court of Human Rights (ECHR) over the Government. The ECHR want to lift the ban on prisoners not being allowed to vote. However, MPs backed a motion to oppose this by a 234-22 majority. Andy Coulson, recent Communications Rat to the Government, however, has bitterly leaked to the press that this was merely a calculated move to lower crime levels. When working closely with David Cameron, Coulson has admitted that Cameron told him that many crimes were committed in a bid to avoid the pressure and guilt of not voting. Also, that prison was often a nice place to escape any future televised leadership debates, and campaigning PPCs. Cameron disclosed to Coulson that by publicly saying that the Cabinet didn’t want to lift this ban, he believed crime would fall due to the removal of incentive to go to prison. Coulson said on the matter “the thought of this makes me almost physically sick. I’m glad I resigned from my job before this scam. Clegg even said to Cameron in a voicemail yesterday that he thought they’d gotten away with it, and that crime had fallen because people believed prison would no longer be an escape from politics. Absolutely disgusting.”


4

The importance of laughing at politicians In America, one of the most influential men is satirist Jon Stewart, and by making fun of politicians, he has proven to sway the political views of many Americans. His show is watched by a larger audience than any news program in the US, where political parody is ripe, and apparent in most people’s living rooms. Subsequently, I wouldn’t be surprised if Americans lived longer than Brits (if it wasn’t for the obesity thing). But over the pond - are we taking a similar liking to the art of laughing at politics?


5

The media and the general public alike have recently shown outrage for the alleged misuse of super-injunctions. This demonstrates that we have a real underlying passion for our democracy and all of the cogs that make it turn, freedom of speech being one of them. But the art of turning a critical eye towards those that influence our everyday lives through policies and governance have the British public embraced this yet? Evidence to the contrary can be summed up in three words: 10 O’clock Live. This show seemed to do a worse job of wetting our appetite than green ketchup. However, it’s not all such dire straits for satire in the UK. Steve Bell, one of the most prominent political cartoonists in the UK, is this month celebrating 30 years in the trade with an exhibition in London. One dilemma we often face in challenging situations is whether to laugh or cry. Political satire answers this question for you; the former, in terms of politics, will get you further. But how possible is it to see the funny side of such a fundamentally serious institution? Do we, as a nation, even really know what satire is? 6/10 students across the North of England do not know what political satire is, according to a survey by Fifth Estate. The art of mocking and ridiculing those in power has been around for centuries. However, as political climates, consumer tastes and political perceptions and discourse alter and evolve, do we always have a fertile ground for satire? Satirical show 10 O’clock Live did not do as well as Channel 4 hoped. Was this due to out attitudes towards satire, or was it just a truly dire program? The Guardian put its failure down to it being a live show, clashing with Question Time, and having too much ‘bitesize’ content. Despite audiences not being too keen on the ‘satirical’ show, it’s important that we

don’t let it put us off satire for good. Fifth Estate surveyed teenagers and young adults across the UK to find out what you think about political satire, and more importantly, what you find funny about politicians: “Sometimes the best way to bring a monster down is to laugh at them” “Political satire massively influences our society because less and less people understand politics through poor education” “Political satire is a form of writing which uses humour and the irony of situation in order to stop people bursting into tears at the sheer helplessness of the countries bleak political situation” What do we find funny about politicians? “Nick Clegg. He looks like a tired, beaten dog” “David Cameron’s attempts at looking common” “Gordon Brown trying to smile” “Donald Trump’s hair. Surely its a wig!” “Alastair Campbell in general” “Sarkozy’s nose “ “David Cameron thinking his sense of humour is entertaining. Where in fact the majority laugh at him, not with him.” “That some of them get elected in the first place. John Redwood’s manically startled expression. Just weird.” “The way the Miliband brothers look high all the time”

Political Editor of The Cumberland News and Star, Julian Whittle, says that ‘the British do satire well. We despise pomposity and satire is a very effective way of countering it”. Whittle says it is “vitally important that we laugh at politicians, and that they laugh at themselves.” He says that it is a danger when they don’t: “politicians who take themselves too seriously veer towards megalomania. I can’t imagine Hitler or Stalin having a great line in self deprecation.” Whittle says: “Politcial satirists are important because they use humour to get their audience thinking about issues that might not otherwise be on their radar. It makes politics more accessible. When politicians foul up, I find it cringeworthy rather than funny - William Hague’s baseball cap, Gordon Brown’s forced smile, that kind of thing. I do appreciate wit but it is in short supply among politicians. Norman St John Stevas, a Tory MP in the 1980s, could be very funny. I remember him on Question Time with Barbara Castle, the former Labour minister. She had paid some gushing tribute, clearly insincere. He replied: “Thank you Barbara, I only wish I could say the same about you”.”


6

March

William Hague fans do not fear William Hague, Foreign Sexretary, has been under fire recently. And not so much by the press, but from his own red hot sex drive. As pressure mounted on him to perform as the situation in Libya worsened, the media and fellow politicians accused him of having lost his mojo. Hague retaliated by telling every journalist he could to make it known that his mojo was, and always will be, very much intact. With his seductively feminine hands,

deep voice and a lovely rounded head, Hague has always been the main reason for the female segment of the audience of Prime Minister’s Question Time, as they tune in in their tens to hope to catch a glimpse of the beef cake. “I still have 30 unpaid interns, what does that tell you? They can’t like photocopying that much”, said Hague.

GROOV Y BABY !

People say the funniest things… A recent Guardian article ‘Unpeople? We used to call them working class’, managed to cause a stir with readers... The article looked at an old mining village, Ashington, that has apparently been ignored, leaving no job prospects there for anyone, as the ‘political elite don’t care’ about their community. Journalist Owen Jones wrote about how the village was once the world’s biggest mining village, but once it was closed down, unemployment as been high and no Government has been willing to help. The article may have been a snore, but it’s readers were delightfully charismatic…Here are some of the authentically marvellous

comments from some of them: Byrdfelt- “Interesting from an Oxbridge graduate, parliamentary researcher, bringing out a book.…” Owen Jones- “Well, actually Byrdfelt makes a fair point here - which is why my article points out the shameful lack of working-class people in the media. But that doesn’t mean that I should join in the media silence about what’s happened to places like Ashington.” Anonymous- “He ‘actually ‘ did make a fair point, didn’t he? Who’d have

thought it?” Billysbar- “Unpeople? We used to call them working-class. How about - Unseated? We used to call them LibDems” Anonymous: “Young people and teenagers at the time, when Tony Blair got in, they were dancing and cheering in the street – and that broke my heart. Because they were so disillusioned! … No, no. He didn’t do nothing for nobody.” Perhaps if the working class spoke English properly someone would listen to them.

Everyone to stop smoking! Health secretary Andrew Lansley has confirmed he is going ahead with Labour’s ban on shops displaying tobacco, and shops will implement plain unbranded packs in order to completely put people off smoking. Mr Black Lungs stuff, a shopkeeper, said: “I’ve smoked 40 cigarettes a day for 50 years, but who wants to smoke from a boring, plain packet? Not me, I’ll be stopping the day they’re on shelves. It’s

like a saviour from above!’ Andrew Lansley says “Unlike Labour, who just introduced a smoking ban, we’ve really hit the nail on the head with how to stop people from smoking.” An NHS Spokesperson says they are ‘relieved at the initiative of Government’.

“Ah, brilliant! Making those vodka bottles transparent should slow down sales.”


Sally Bercow: a day in the life of 8 AM: This morning, like most other mornings, I got out of bed, drew back the curtains, draped them around myself and looked onto a cardboard Westminster. It was very erotic. 9 AM Spent an hour or so on Twitter. I find it feeds me better than breakfast. 11 AM: Send John a few saucy texts, and remind him that I used to be a bit of a bed hopper, in a bid to get him to hurry home tonight. 12PM Went for a walk and got hassled by some Alternative Vote campaigners. I reminded them that electoral reform is not sexy. I quickly dissuaded them! I really should have been a politician. 2PM - Got slightly turned on by looking out of the window and catching a

George cuts us a break As the chancellor revealed the budget in the House of Commons, many MPs struggled to stay awake. With an increase in VAT announced, an increase in personal allowance tax and a crackdown on tax avoidance, everything was starting to look hopeless. But then, just as everyone began to lose hope, Osborne, a man-of-thepeople to rival Tony Blair, announced a cut in fuel duty by 1p! Now the British public can rest assured that, as they drive around looking for a job and avoiding shops because of the VAT increase, they will actually be saving money. Cheers George! Unfortunately for Cameron there’ll be no change to the cost of bike maintenance.

A prize spring onion As the long-awaited Spring Liberal Democrat conference began, Nick Clegg offered his party precious words of advice. Clegg realised that, in his constituency of Sheffield Hallam especially, people aren’t best pleased with his decision to go back on his word over tuition fees earlier this year. Or in fact, much else.

7

March

glimpse of Big Ben, it’s a very sexy view. 4PM - Play a quick game of knock down ginger. I’m glad that I can still remain as immature and thoughtless as I’ve always have been. Nothing beats the adrenaline of knocking on a strangers door and running away. However in the past I wouldn’t have ran away… 6PM - Dreamed about being with a taller man, then remembered that John has had a lot more offers since he became Speaker so I should be thankful for what I have. 7PM - On my way back from the corner shop I saw some more smack heads. As I walked past I spat on them, before projectile vomiting. I explained to them though that I don’t judge, as I used to be an alcoholic. He told his party to ‘keep their heads high’ and ‘hold its nerve’ as they prepared to close in on Sheffield- Clegg is ready to face any attack from the enemy. “We’re determined to go to Sheffield and have a jolly old time. The security we have arranged is purely just precautionary, I’m confident that locals will be delighted to see us,” said Clegg. As their unpopularity was further confirmed in a by-election in the Barnsley Central area, ten thousand officers will be on duty to shield Clegg from angry locals. There have been rumours of over £2 million being spent on protection for the Lib Dems on their trip to Sheffield, including a 2.5 metrehigh steel and concrete fence, built to deter up to 10,000 people. “Actually, me and Dave have had a bit of cheeky fun putting together outfits for me, for security reasons of course. We’ve decided that I’ll wear a bullet proof vest and a helmet. Purely precautionary. David says that Northerners can be very unpredictable and this time I have to agree with him. We also tried out gimp masks, and I’m technically still attached to David’s desk right now, actually…” Clegg hopes to be set free in time for the conference.

Ken Clarke on Av Ken Clarke, Secretary of State for Justice, was interviewed on the Alternative Vote. Unfortunately, he talkd out of his arse. “AV will change the nature of our democracy and politics. It brings to an end to the situation where you’ve got the chance to vote for the PM you want“. Somehow the BNP would have a majority Government under AV then, Kenny? “We’ll have some very odd results.”… like a Government?! What about AV eliminating need to vote tactically? “Tactical voting is when people have to make their mind up.“ Unlike regular voting where your mind is made up by fairies. “Nobody gets exactly what they want,” we just vote because it’s good cardio exercise. “You were lucky this time that there were two big parties that wanted to put the national interest first.” I’m sure students and public sector workers count their blessings every day. “People will go into the ballot and will start thinking ‘let’s give them a chance, I’ll put my first choice further down” Of course they will, Ken, and I suppose all rape isn’t rape?


8

April

Face for radio

Face for Radio

As a campaigner for Yes to AV, the alternative vote, I sometimes had to put stupidity over sense. I did this last month as I went on live, BBC local radio to argue with an MP. A student, against a Member of Parliament. You can see where this is going, can’t you? A few days before the dreaded day, I had a phone call from BBC Radio Cumbria, to give me a short briefing. I was told I would get a few seconds to lay out the reasons why people should vote ‘yes’ and then would be given the chance to reply to the MP, John Stevenson’s arguments. I turned up on the morning of the show with my notes, one page of writing, one condensed version in case I wasn’t allowed notes and would need to hide it in my bra, and I was off. I was thrust straight into the radio studio and told that after a short explanation of what AV is from the staff, I would begin.

A student, against a Member of Parliament. You can see where this is going can’t you? As I sat in the studio in front of a microphone the size of my face, I watched longingly as the radio presenter talked with such ease, fluidity and effortlessness. The political reporter, to the side of me, started off her explanation of AV. However, the pessimist inside me believes that she thought about the worst way possible to eliminate the little focus that I had left in me. As I started going through my argument in my head, I was interrupted by what sounded like a suicidal, drunk bull in a china shop. She had recorded a group of 20 children with musical instruments in order to demonstrate how AV works. Some might say innovative, I say unnecessarily distracting. Before I knew it, it was my time to

shine, and all I could think to do was to bang my fists on the table and whack my pen on the mic. How else do you follow on from 20 kids with percussion? My mind had gone blank. Words came out of my mouth, but nothing that my brain had control over. I couldn’t tell you what I said. Well, I can as it’s on iPlayer, but there’s too many ‘erms’ to fit it on the page. I had been previously given the advice to ‘have three main points.’ So off I babbled incoherently, and then I could’ve eaten my microphone when John replied with ‘Well there are three main arguments against AV.’ Damn it.

How do you follow on from 20 kids with percussion? The presenter demonstrated all that I hate and admire about journalists, which could probably be summed up in three points, you could say. He asked me the most horrible questions you could think of, which I guess is his job. But when you’re a quivering, stuttering radio virgin, he could have been kinder. My highlight came when I tried to make the point that some MPs have 3/10 votes, and that in any other job, you would never be employed if you only impressed 3/10 people. However, instead of saying ‘in any other job’, I said ‘in a real job.’ You can’t make this stuff up. As a (probably a little offended) John continued, I started bouncing in my chair as I had the perfect comeback. He was saying how unpopular AV was and how it’s hardly used anywhere. I was about to shout ‘well your own party uses AV to elect its leaders!’ when the presenter beat me to it and ended the debate. Well, even if I didn’t manage to persuade any listeners to vote ‘yes’ at least I accidentally insulted a politician live on prime time radio. All in a day’s work!


April

Eton Mess: Cameron misses out on chance to be ‘normal’ David Cameron’s opportunity to show he isn’t a stuck-up toff over-spilling with Eaton and Oxbridge privilege backfired today as his all-too-public insult to Oxford University backfired. His slip up came when he said that it was “disgraceful” that there as only one black student studying at Oxford University last year. Cameron, always the opportunist, said that he thought that only one black student studying at Oxford ‘disgraceful’, and that ‘we have got to do better than that’. Oxford has responded to Cameron’s undoubtedly sincere outrage by dismissing his claims as incorrect. Cameron, the silly billy, accidently misinterpreted the figure, which actually referred to UK undergraduates of Black Caribbean origin starting courses in 2009/10. However, there were another 26 students who said they were of black origin, and another 14 of mixed black descent. A spokeswoman from the University said that what Cameron said was highly misleading, and that in that year, 22% of Oxford’s total student population came from ethnic minority backgrounds. Cameron’s right hand man, Clegg, has also come under fire by the media recently by contradicting his moral highground. He spoke out to say that people shouldn’t get internships through family connections, but from their own abilities. However, Clegg failed to remember that his father was responsible for getting him his own first job in a bank. Could there be a miniscule possibility that the dynamic duo are trying to play down their own privileged statuses? A recent BBC documentary ‘Posh and Posher: Why Public School Boys Run Britain’, highlighted the fact that the Cabinet are far from representative, and that three-quarters of the coalition cabinet are millionaires. It also revealed that 66 % of the Cabinet were privately educated, compared to a meager 7% of Britain in general. Also, Oxford, which over the years has supplied us with 26 Prime Ministers, has also supplied us with 100 of our current MPs.

So, in the future, maybe the PM and Deputy PM should leave the morals for someone else…Jim Devine perhaps?

Why Cameron is full of sh*t At a the No to AV conference, almost everything David Cameron said was untrue. Firstly, he descried the  Alternative Vote as obscure. So obscure in fact, that it was the very same system that elected him as leader of the Conservative Party. He said AV would lead to candidates winning who ranked third. For the Prime Minister, it’s worrying how little this sentence makes sense. Also, it would make our politics less accountable, apparently. Maybe Cameron can be forgiven for being mistaken here. Under AV, at least third of MPs would need to reach out to an increased number of their electorate. Cameron believes that power should  lie with the people, and AV would take this power away. Under AV, everyone’s vote will count, unlike First Past The Post, wrong again Cameron. One main argument against AV is that it is complicated. For those who can count past one, it is not. And it is patronising for politicians to say otherwise. AV, Cameron said in his speech, would lead to more coalitions. For every majority Government we have had since 1945, it would have also been a majority Government under AV. Australia, who use AV, have just had their first Coalition for a century. And we’ve recently seen how FPTP is not immune to Coalitions. Cameron believes in one person, one vote. How noble. Under AV, people may cast more than one vote if they wish, in preferential order, but only one vote will count. Unlike FPTP, where votes don’t always count. One person, no vote, in many cases. Our Prime Minister said in his speech that the second, third or fourth vote of someone who  supports the Monster

9 Raving Loony Party can have their vote count as much as someone who votes Conservative. Basically, this is our Prime Minister saying those who vote for such parties do not deserve their vote to count equally. Did he not say in his speech that everyone is equal and everyone deserves one vote? (Yes, he did). He said that the biggest danger is that we wake up on May the 6th with AV. Wrong again. The votes were counted on May 6th. So unless you slept in all day, which Cameron might as well have done, you didn’t wake up to a new system on May 6th. Cameron says that AV is wrong because he feels it in his gut. Cleggy, give him some Rennie tablets and then re-evaluate

I’m going to call you David!

Besides the curry incident Cameron Senior’s birth to David was one of his most succesful trips to the loo


10

May

Sorry ladies – Miliband Sorry Ladies – Miliband To to marry! Marry!

Ed Miliband has finally decided to tie the knot with long term girlfriend and mother of his two children. He says that in the past he has been too busy, but now he is leader of the opposition, he has tons of time. In a romantic bid to show the world how much he loves what’s-herface, he decided to marry on 27th of May, just to show the Royal couple what their weeding really could have looked like. Despite what you may think, Ed may be atheist, in his forties and believe that you can have a family outside of marriage, there is no coincidence here. Even though in a past interview he said that his girlfriend was not his wife, adding ‘thank God for that’. But as many people cannot tell with politicians, this was in fact, just a joke. Funny guy. Sources have revealed that brother David Miliband did not be attending the wedding, as he is ‘still upset’. However, due to their recent almost-bonding over a shared liking of the Alternative Vote, Nick Clegg will be attending the wedding. However, despite what newspapers have said, this is not the reason for the steel wall and security guards that will be there on the day. Pub Lissitee, a graduate in Publicity Stunts says that Ed’s decision to get married isn’t suspicious. ‘Of course Labour are going up in opinion polls, they didn’t do so well in recent local elections, and of course they’re already fed up with being in opposition, but really, I’m sure Ed genuinely just has more time on his hands,’ he said. Ken Clarke, Secretary of State for Justice, was asked to comment on the couple’s decision to wed, but fell asleep.

Crashman Creatively dubbed ‘Flashman’ in the House of Commons, David Cameron pledged to tone down his act during Prime Minister’s Questions. However it seems he may have taken it just a notch too far. Recently, Ken Clarke said on Radio 5 that some rapes are not as serious as others, and distinguished between the more serious kind and the less serious. After the mishap, Ed Miliband asked Cameron at PMQ’s if he agreed with Clarke, to which the Prime Minister replied by saying... he hadn’t actually listened to the interview…. Some say there are different types of Prime Ministers, the awake kind and….

Chris Huhne’s estranged wife on how to be a super bitch ex-wife Vicky Pryce, who Chris Huhne left for a former press secretary last year, is writing a book about how the Lib Dem Energy Secretary proceeded to ruin her life and break the law with his bad driving habits. She admits she is not writing the book through bitter motivations, but simply because she wants to warn women in similar situations. In the book, Pryce explains how to be a pushover and succumb to having a career that comes after your husbands, how to drive your man into the arms of a younger woman, and how to secretly give him herpes. Huhne told the Guardian in 2006 in a beautifully ironic statement: “I have always kept my family separate from politics”. It is also alleged that he has been found on tape to have previously advised his estranged wife on how to keep the press at bay. He is caught saying: “if you don’t want anything to get in the paper, don’t talk to a journalist. Just say ’ooh, terribly bad reception’ and just hang up”. Maybe Huhne should write a book next on how to keep the media on your side.


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12

March

Ed Miliband to Get Nose Job!

What his nasally nose has us hear:

What he actually said:

The leader of the Shadow Cabinet recently told the Sunday Times magazine “I’m going to carry on speaking the way I do. I won’t do anything that is inauthentic.” Except, get a nose job, that is. The hope is that, after being diagnosed with sleep apnoea – a condition  that causes restless nights and excessive snoring, surgery will cure this. However, close sources have revealed that the operation will also hopefully make him sound like a normal human being. This has shed light on many things Miliband has said to the pubic. In light of his condition, clarity has fallen over what Ed really meant when his nasally voice prevented his message from coming across clearly:

“You can be the son of a Marxist and not necessarily be a Marxist in all your views.”

“I may have been adopted. There is a chance my real dad is not Marxist, but a big fan of cheese and talking dogs.”

“ I am proud to stand with you. There is an alternative. ”

“I can hang from my brother’s arse if that’s any better ”

“Ken Clarke shouldn’t be in his job at the end of the day.” 

“He should finish mid-afternoon like the rest of us”

“Ken Clarke should resign”

“What did he even say again? Something about rape?”

“Labour are tougher on crime than the Tories”

“Polls show Tories are thought to be weak on crime. There’s a part of our manifesto written for itself. Crime tough on.”

The Power Could be in Your Hands

suggestion. Despite rumours it was the iron lady’s source of nails, Margaret Thatcher was the first and only female Prime Minister, and she may well have simply needed a modest place for her lipstick and tampons. Just because David Cameron doesn’t swan into meetings with a bum bag, doesn’t mean that Thatcher could fit all of her essentials into her pockets. So, for the poor disillusioned winner of the bag: do not expect to be taken out by magical rays. As you peer inside for the first time. All you may find when you win the bag is a few sweet wrappers and hair clips. This is not sexist, it’s fact. No woman, not even the PM, could possibly be in the limelight without knowing a mirror is only a few CMs away ,hanging from her shoulder. If only to slyly watch crying children with as she walked past.

Margaret Thatcher’s ‘greatest weapon’ during her time in office, her handbag, is being auctioned for charity. The black Apsrey bag, it is estimated, will be sold for around £100,000. Described as her ‘symbol of authority’, the bag has seen itself in meetings with a previous US president and Soviet leader. The weapon even led to a new phrase around politicians: ‘handbagging’. This bag was seen as her symbol of cabinet solidarity, an icon of female power, and a weapon of authority. However, despite the bag’s return to fame, one small fact has been overlooked. As it makes a reappearance into the public eye and the nation’s hearts, it’s time someone offered the following


13

Nick Clegg’s Plan to Shake up Nhs Bill The NHS Reform Bill, which has faced scrutiny and disagreement, is set get some very influential amendments from Nick Clegg. With NHS staff unhappy with the fundamental reforms of the bill, this is Clegg’s time to show that he is putting politics before his career. The Reform Bill looks at all areas of the NHS. It sets to establish a network of GP commissioning consortia, and end Primary Care Trusts and Strategic Health Authorities, giving local authorities a bigger role in decision making, and cutting down the costs of administration. More than 21 alleged amendments to the Bill by the Lib Dems have been leaked to the press, however Andrew Lansley, the Health Secretary, says that the “principles of the bill are not going to change”. Lansley has been working on the Bill, which has been given a vote of no confidence by NHS staff, for roughly 7 years. Lansley has been defended for his decisions in the reform because he has had a “connection to the NHS his whole life”, according to Total Politics magazine. However, this connection, it turns out, is that his father worked in an NHS pathology lab. At a time of despair, disagreement and apprehension, Nick Clegg’s role as Deputy Prime Minister may finally come into play. In a world of privileged, millionaire Tories, can Clegg use his authority to respect the wishes of those who voted for him? Can he show that he represents a more relatable side to Government? After the tuition fee disaster and failure to deliver on a public scale for the AV Referendum, this is his chance. So, what will the big shake up of the Bill mean for the NHS and its patients? “We must remove from the bill changes to establish Monitor (the NHS regulator) as a competition authority…” Clegg is said to be proposing more changes to the Bill over the next few weeks. Watch this anti-climatic space..

IN THE NEXT ISSUE Nick Clegg

talks about his latest endorsment deal for waterproof mascara.

Chris Huhne: The prison diaries

Miliband Divorce Exclusive

Super-injunction Leak

David Dimbleby reveals why he didn’t want to relocate North (Kerry Katona)


The Fifth Estate