Xander Xyst, Dragon: 1

XANDER XYST, DRAGON: 1 A XXX Experience in 5 Scenes

By Jeremy O. Harris

“I stand at the threshold of cyberspace and wonder, is it possible that I am unwelcome here too. Will I be allowed to construct a virtual reality that empowers me? Can invisible men see their own reflection?”

—Essex Hemphill, 1995.

What an absurd labor we’ve created for ourselves. To exist online. To belong? To exist for a matter of moments on a screen. A screen, not even, a hazy glass. A hand mirror with a bad memory, a forgetful reflecting pool. An untrustworthy reflection holding infinite varieties of you, infinite reflections recalling you, calling you. A momentary infinity. Welcome.

Forgot your username?

Think of the Internet as an entity. Go. Think of it as a space— a place with agency— an environment. Go. An ecosystem, or a new planet— no— a black hole. Go. A dark room.

A masked ball, a forgotten god— a damp cave— a hall of mirrors.

Utopia.

Think of the Internet as a series of tubes, a braid of underwater cables. The Internet spirits across the Atlantic in 40 milliseconds. New World to Old—on a transatlantic voyage, like all the others—eleven sunken cables the width of magic markers traverse the 3,700 miles between New York and London. The cables have names: FA-1, Apollo, AC-1, TAT-14, Hibernia Express.

Sharks bite the cables. The cables are sharkproof. Sharks sense electromagnetic waves.

It’s how they hunt. The Internet coursing underwater: thousands of volts on the sea floor, mistaken for life.

Are you into magical computing? Cosmic surfing, fantasy logic? small talk with robots?

A prayer in hypertext? What if the gods lived

online? What if the Internet was a god? An eternal, uncontainable life-force. Have you been touched? By the spirit of the web?

The digital divine?

The heavens are dense with data.

The Daddy deity, data daddy rules the sky. Poseidon, Hades and Zeus defeat the Titans and divide the world. Poseidon takes the sea, Hades takes the dead, Zeus rules the sky. Text me?

We’re walking through an atmosphere of messages, sitting in a constellation of correspondence. Loose posts carried by waves and wind: texts, emails, tweets, photos. Smoke speaks at the tip of a finger, a palm, a machine, a handheld Hermes. We breathe the Internet. We swim in Internet, wade through it—drown in it. Are you using your smartphone to its fullest potential?

I’m not a robot. Click here.

Reset your password. Your youness is contained in a name. A name you create. It’s yours. Your site, your profile, your brand. A symbol for you: @FatallyUrs22, @realDonaldTrump, @MiracleMichael, @mauta.man, @jeremyoharris.

Delete your account. Reset your account? @XanderXyst: remake yourself—be a god, a star, a body part. You can make money with that thing. Grow a pair, get hard, harder-more and move to the Valley. I have a feeling there’s something great happening. Something golden: water, sun, cold pressed juice. Remake yourself into someone—something—powerful. Subversive, moshing. An ocean. Find your you again.

Click Here to Log Out Are You Sure?

Let the Internet swallow you.

—AMF

Setting: Los Angeles County CA; An USC Dorm Room; A Nebulous Space Time: Tonight.

In the Age of Millennials

Notes on Style: This play was written while listening to Majical Cloudz, Grimes, Death Gripz and Lana Del Rey. The characters, with the exception of Michael, speak with the ugency of Formula 1 drivers: post-Ritalin English.

Scenes should move freely into and out of each other like your Tumblr dashboard or a dream. The music should be sung with earnest abandon.

Thoughts are in quotation marks.

The only moments taht move at what feels like a proto-Internet pace are the ones that take place in the world of www.XanderXystXperience.com. The “nebulous space”. It should feel like you’re in a place of worship, in the presence of the “burning bush”.

When Xander stands “nakedly” in front of someone he is wearing a nude colored speedo.

Dialogue in the play overlaps. A(/) in the text will indicate when the next character should begin to speak.

In every scene of this play we are inhabiting two or more worlds at once. A(//) in the text notates when this happens in a dynamic way.

Sometimes when our attention isn’t on another location within the same scene time

moves, other times it’s as though we just pressed the pause button. Pay attention.

All scenes should end with an epilepsy inducing burst of strobe light then a blackout.

The play is performed without an intermission. It embraces Greek imagery intentionally, perhaps the staging could explore that tradition. It should be an all encompassing experience, an event as expansive and intimate as the Internet.

Character List: Xander Xyst-28.

A god amongst men when Xander Xyst, but a bit broken in his mortal shell.

Matt-19.

Trapped by his fear of the immensity of everything around him, until he sings.

Michael-30s.

A man who is lost in an idea of what he wants.

Lena-19.

A young woman in her truest form: a question with limitless answers.

Internetz-Ageless, ever present but perhaps unseen? Until it/they are?

Hermes, Mercury, The Chorus, the messenger.

ON CASTING Casting directors should make an effort to have as diverse a cast as possible.

Please make an effort to not discriminate based on body types, disability, race, gender expression, etc. This play isn’t about pretty people or able people and definitely not just about white people.

SCENES PROLOGUE: AN INTRODUCTION SCENE 1: MY IMAGINATION IS CRAZY WILD SCENE 2: UR FIRE INSIDE SCENE 3: YOU WANT THIS MONSTER (COCK)?

SCENE 4: I SEE YOU_ BEGGING WITH A KNIFE SCENE 5: MATTHEW MYST AND HIS TRYST WITH LENA LAMENT

“I’m a dragon, you’re a whore...don’t even know what you’re good for.”

—Lana Del Rey

A sudden blow: the great wings beating still Above the staggering girl, her thighs caressed By the dark webs, her nape caught in his bill, He holds her helpless breast upon his breast.

How can those terrified vague fingers push The feathered glory from her loosening thighs?

And how can body, laid in that white rush, But feel the strange heart beating where it lies?

A shudder in the loins engenders there The broken wall, the burning roof and tower And Agamemnon dead.

Being so caught up, So mastered by the brute blood of the air, Did she put on his knowledge with his power Before the indifferent beak could let her drop? —Leda and the Swan William Butler Yeats

“All human beings, like Leda, are caught up moment by moment in the “white rush” of experience.

For Yeats, the only salvation is the shapeliness and stillness of art.”

—Camille Pagila

PROLOGUE From darkness, in a nebulous space, an almost neon sign begins to come to life with stutters and starts.

It reads: http://www.XanderXystXperience.com.

A man with an oiled exposed chest, radiant hair, with arms extended in a “come hither” pose (the Xander Xyst banner pose) slowly smiles as he illuminates like Apollo, or any other sun god that comes to mind.

XANDER (with a laugh) Welcome! To the Xander Xyst Experience.

INTERNETZ (in its most sultry voice) The Xander Xyst Experience...Warning Adult Content.

Xander laughs and with a wink he’s gone, with him his light.

In the darkness

an avalanche of voices begins to brew.

INTERNETZ (in voices different, yet the same) @fatallyUrs22 Can @XanderXyst come to my room right now?

Gahhh Fuck me like Xander Xyst so I know it’s real. @lilDiamondDemon why Tindr when I know Xander Xyst will be on my tumblr dash when I get home?

Dear Xander Xyst: I’m urs.

Xander Xyst is the reason I wake up in the morning.

Xander Xyst is a fucking God! A fucking God.

Literally. God. Fuck me.

I want @XanderXyst to murder my vagina.

Fuck me like Xander Xyst so I know it’s real.

Literally. God. Xander. #TakeMe #MyBodyIsReady BLACKOUT. BLACKOUT.

SCENE 1:MY IMAGINATION IS CRAZY WILD

The real XANDER sits at a table in the back of an empty restaurant. He’s dressed like he just came from the gym.

He sits alone for a while and for a moment we see that stoicisim and boredom are obscuring a type of sadness.

MICHEAL enters. He is wearing a suit, a nice one.

He moves quickly to his chair and takes a sip of the glass of water there. He feels unfettered, as Angelenos tend to.

MICHAEL I’m late.

Sorry.

The 101 was a mess and I had this conference call/ from Hell.

XANDER It’s fine.

MICHAEL You look/ awesome

XANDER I just came from/the— Thanks...

MICHAEL Better than your pics...

XANDER Thanks...

Pause.

XANDER You too.

Better.

As well.

Like, cleaner?

Or something.

It’s nice.

MICHAEL Cleaner? HA! That’s great.

You’re great...

This.

Yeah... (he gestureswith his hands) This is going to be nice.

Pause.

XANDER ...

MICHAEL Where the fuck is our waiter?

XANDER I’m not sure.

I think out back?

I’ve been here a while I think he’s given up on me.

MICHAEL It’s a he?

Nah...

He probably just wanted to stop himself from staring.

All the waiters here are fags.

Michael winks at Xander and takes a sip of his water and clears his throat.

Michael winks at Xander and takes a sip of his water and clears his throat.

MICHAEL I’m so sorry This is a dick move but if I don’t piss right now my dick is gonna fall off.

And we don’t want that to happen, do we?

HA! SO I’m gonna go do that.

Then I’m going to find our waiter.

If he comes while I’m gone.

Grab him.

Don’t let him go.

OK?

XANDER Gotcha.

Michael exits.

Xander puts his hands over his face and looks up, through his fingers.

Michael exits.

Xander puts his hands over his face and looks up, through his fingers. “I could go right now.

And this could all be done. Leave a few bucks on the table for tip and then just walk out the door.�

Xander looks behind him.

He sighs. Then he opens the menu.

Time passes.

Xander looks behind him. He sighs. Then he opens the menu.

Time passes.

Michael returns.

Michael returns.

MICHAEL The bathrooms here are so fucking dark.

It’s a joke.

Seriously... (sitting down) What looks good?

Xander considers him for a moment. Looks back at the menu:

Xander considers him for a moment. Looks back at the menu: XANDER Do you like Bruschetta? //

Electronic music is softly playing and MATTHEW is standing by himself in front of a microphone with a voice manipulator hooked to a keyboard.

There are also electronic drum pads there.

Electronic music is softly playing and MATTHEW is standing by himself in front of a microphone with a voice manipulator hooked to a keyboard.

There are also electronic drum pads there.

He is obviously nervous, shaking even.

He is obviously nervous, shaking even.

MATTHEW Hi guys...

My name is Matt.

And um... thank you for coming out to the first ever Marks Hall um... like....

Open Mic, I guess?

Um....

I thought it was important for all of us to kinda engage?

And like do something cool and interesting.

And this isn’t really something

Matthew awkwardly adjusts the mic.

that like, happens often... so....

I asked if we could have our own space.

To just sort of show each other who we really are... or can be.

Matthew awkwardly adjusts the mic.

“You can do this...you can totally do this.”

MATTHEW So yeah.

I’m also looking for like, cool people to join a band.

So if you’re interested Just like, hit me up afterwards or

The lights change and Matt begins to play. And suddenly the awkward, shy boy who was in front of us disappears: “Matthew Myst”, is in his stead.

like, whatever. ... ...

So yeah.

I’m just gonna...

This is a song that’s gonna be on this EP I’m working on.

It’s untitled right now but my name, my “band name” is...

Matthew.

“Matthew Myst”.

The lights change and Matt begins to play. And suddenly the awkward, shy boy who was in front of us disappears: “Matthew Myst”, is in his stead.

MATTHEW (singing) Oh oh

oh Oh oh oh Oh oh oh I wanted it deep I wanted it down Swallow me whole Y’know I’m weak anyhow...

There’s a darkness to his music that bites at the ears, Hades with synths, but it’s entrancing, warm.

We slowly move from Marks Hall to a more nebulous space.

There’s a darkness to his music that bites at the ears, Hades with synths, but it’s entrancing, warm.

We slowly move from Marks Hall to a more nebulous space.

MATTHEW They run down me like spit Flames licking their lips Somewhere deep, in the midst, In search of you.

Let your burning knife Seal up these wounds. (x4) Let that power you hold, Make men kill child Sacrificed growing old, To live for a while...

I know and I don’t I know and I don’t

I know and I don’t. (x3) They run down me like spit.

Flames licking their lips Somewhere deep, in the midst, In search of you.

The lights change back.

We are back in Marks Hall with an awkward college sophomore standing lamely with a pair of drum sticks and a microphone.

Let your burning knife Seal up these wounds. (x4) The lights change back.

We are back in Marks Hall with an awkward college sophomore standing lamely with a pair of drum sticks and a microphone.

MATTHEW (through microphone feedback) Um. Thanks.

Next we have um...

I can’t read this name.

Fuck. // The crunch from a bite to bruschetta painfully cuts through the air.

Xander looks mutely on at Michael as he speaks.

Michael now has a large glass of red wine in front of him.

The crunch from a bite to bruschetta painfully cuts through the air.

Xander looks mutely on at Michael as he speaks.

Michael now has a large glass of red wine in front of him.

MICHAEL This is why Franklin Village is my favorite neighborhood.

Wednesday night, 8 PM and a whole restaurant to ourselves.

Where the fuck else is that possible in LA?

I mean, Where that matters, you know?

I used to live right up the street.

Beachwood.

It was great.

House looked DOWN on the Hollywood sign but it was a fucking bitch getting down the hill in the mornings and it’s so far from everything.

I mean, yes, Hollywood is right there but who the fuck goes to Hollywood anymore?

It takes like forty-five minutes to get to the Soho House and an hour and a half to get to the beach which is where I have

most of my meetings.

I can’t stand that.

So now, I visit.

Because I live in Bel Air. Much nicer.

Closer to the real LA. (he inhales his wine)

He takes a bite of bruschetta.

What about you?

Where do you live?

He takes a bite of bruschetta.

XANDER Um. Like over the hill sort of?

The valley.

North Hollywood.

MICHAEL Why the hell would you live there?

Ha! Just kidding.

I get it. I totally get it.

I mean, in the valley at least you can afford to breath, you know?

You’re young.

Do it now.

I mean, There’s nothing there but the studios but you can breath, or at least afford to.

I was thinking about moving to Calabassas a while back.

Michael takes another bite of bruschetta.

XANDER ...

Michael takes another bite of bruschetta.

MICHAEL (mouth full)

What is it?

XANDER Oh ...

Nothing.

MICHAEL Come on...

I’ve been talking for days.

Michael smiles.

XANDER Nothing, it’s just.

Have you ever... are there ever moments when you can’t speak?

Michael smiles.

MICHAEL Depends...

XANDER Like.

The words don’t come out?

Because ... because you’ve already imagined them all?

And in the moment you’re able to say them they suddenly feel wrong?

MICHAEL No. No. I can’t say I relate to that.

XANDER Well that happens to me.

It happens a lot.

A lot a lot actually.

It’s like...

You’ll be talking and I’ll almost have like a memory?

Of the proper response,

and then there is an opening for me to speak and I try, then the moment passes. .... ...

But. I guess— I don’t know... ...

My imagination is crazy wild, it gets away from me. I can’t keep hold of it.

Michael keeps smiling.

Michael keeps smiling.

Xander reaches for his wallet.

XANDER I should go.

This is...

I should go.

I’m not even... and you’re dressed.

I just left the gym.

Xander reaches for

his wallet.

MICHAEL Wait, wait, hold up.

Everything’s fine.

You’re fine.

I know this is... but just.

It’s cool. (he reaches for Xander’s hand) Everything’s cool.

Xander takes a moment and looks at Michael.

Xander takes a moment and looks at Michael.

Softly, almost inaudibly, music reminiscent of a dream begins to underscore the following in a slow crescendo as the scene concludes.

Softly, almost inaudibly, music reminiscent of a dream begins to underscore the following in a slow crescendo as the scene concludes.

MICHAEL ...

Your “imagination is crazy wild” Right?

XANDER Right.

Yeah.

MICHAEL Keep telling me about that.

Silence.

Michael loudly sips his wine.

XANDER ...

That’s why sort of the reason why, I started doing opiates.

It calmed it all down.

Made it smooth.

Silence.

Michael loudly sips his wine.

MICHAEL Interesting...

XANDER I don’t do them anymore—

Now it’s Xander with the bruschetta. He nods his head and throws a nervous smile.

MICHAEL I know, you told me.

Sober five months.

Now it’s Xander with the bruschetta. He nods his head and throws a nervous smile.

XANDER Yup. ...

I’m sorry.

Fuck.

I’m so awkward.

MICHAEL No...

You’re just...

You’re just a ball of energy.

And when you’re in the presence of energy like yours you know you can’t contain it.

Can barely see it.

You just let it be.

Try not to get in its way. ...

Woody Harrelson said that about an actress we were working with once. ... ...

Any guess who?

Xander laughs, a laugh that’s a bit too loud.

Michael slides closer to Xander.

Xander laughs, a laugh that’s a bit too loud.

Michael slides closer to Xander.

MICHAEL Goddamn it you’re sexy.

So fucking sexy...

XANDER (almost to himself) I imagined every moment of this...

Is this a date?

Should I call it a date?

MICHAEL I hope it’s a date. ...

Will you laugh again?

XANDER Wha— Yeah?

Xander does.

So. Fucking. Sexy.

XANDER It’s just this is the first time I’ve ever... with a guy... you know... went out in public... so it’s a little weird to say like... “yeah! I’m on a date.... with a guy...” ... yeah.

Pause.

Xander takes two more big bites. The music continues on. Picking up tempo now, volume.

Pause.

Xander takes two more big bites. The music continues on. Picking up tempo now, volume.

XANDER (through bread and tomato) But, yeah...

I imagined it all.

What you’d be wearing.

What I’d be wearing.

You were in a red shirt... not a white one, in my mind.

And everything was gayer... a lot gayer... you had one of those... you know... where the ‘s’ sound is like you know super gay?

MICHAEL A sibilant ‘s’?

XANDER Yeah. A sibilant ‘s’.

You had one of those... but I wasn’t scared of it— and when everyone was looking at us... staring...

I was turned on.

I was like rock hard.

I wanted them to see me doing this thing... this gay thing...

Then, these serpents appeared, bowing at my feet, slithering around and whispering, “The dragon our father, fears only himself.

Himself alone.”

Then I woke up.

Pause.

Then another.

Michael throws back the rest of his wine.

Michael throws back the rest of his wine.

XANDER ...

But it was stupid.

I’m sorry.

Did I like, offend you, or?

MICHAEL (laughing) Offend me?

I’m not a lesbian.

No. Not at all. (pause) But. There is no one here.

And I don’t have a sibilant ‘s’.

At least not one that I know of.

And I don’t know how gay I am on a scale of 1 to Nathan Lane, but considering your statement I’m guessing I’m not as gay as you imagined.

And I’m wearing a white shirt.

Not a red one. ...

So are you not turned on?

Are you not still rock hard?

I don’t see any serpents around, so I doubt you’ll be waking up anytime soon.

Michael slowly reaches under the table. The music is everywhere now, overwhelming the space.

Michael slowly reaches under the table. The music is everywhere now, overwhelming the space.

You are so fucking hot...

Michael’s hand moves from Xander’s knee to his thigh until, with the scoot of his chair, his hand is resting on Xander’s crotch.

Michael’s hand moves from Xander’s knee to his thigh until, with the scoot of his chair, his hand is resting on Xander’s crotch.

Xander stares at him.

Xander stares at him.

Michael stares back.

The music continues into:

Michael stares back.

The music continues into: EPILEPSY STROBE BLACKOUT.

EPILEPSY STROBE BLACKOUT.

SCENE 2:UR FIRE INSIDE And with a POP! A figure appears within strobed lights somewhere in that nebulous space and sitting downstage back to us, looking up entranced is MATT. Upstage is LENA, microphone in hand, awash in flickering lights.

And with a POP! A figure appears within strobed lights somewhere in that nebulous space and sitting downstage back to us, looking up entranced is MATT. Upstage is LENA, microphone in hand, awash in flickering lights.

She looks and sounds like a woman beamed in from another galaxy. She performs like Joan Jett would have if aliens had abducted her and made her take acid while showing her Twitter and Sailor Moon. Her clothes all akimbo, her hair in anime knots.

She looks and sounds like a woman beamed in from another galaxy.

She performs like Joan Jett would have if aliens had abducted her and made her take acid while showing her Twitter and Sailor Moon. Her clothes all akimbo, her hair in anime knots.

LENA He said, run run He said, run run And so I stayed And so I stayed [repeat x3] In the belly of the beast, he watches over me.

Behind the locked door is where you’ll find the key.

BB me and u, That’s all I need.

I feel ur fire inside.

It’s where I’m supposed to be Where I’m supposed to be.

He said, run run He said, run run And so I stayed And so I stayed

[repeat x3]

As the song fades suddenly we’re in a dorm room. Lena standing in the room’s center: cell phone in hand, her laptop in a bag swung casually over her shoulder.

Matt stands opposite her, uncomfortable in her presence and immediately aware of how messy his room is.

I feel ur fire inside It’s where I’m supposed to be.

As the song fades suddenly we’re in a dorm room. Lena standing in the room’s center: cell phone in hand, her laptop in a bag swung casually over her shoulder.

Matt stands opposite her, uncomfortable in her presence and immediately aware of how messy his room is.

MATTHEW So...Lena It’s crazy you wanted to do this/now

LENA Your room smells horrible.

MATTHEW I’m sorry.

I can.

(Matt stumbles back and forth) Hold on.

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

Fuck. FUCK.

Matt attempts to clean up his room: quickly throwing things in hampers, etc.

Matt attempts to clean up his room: quickly throwing things in hampers, etc.

LENA Why would I have waited?

MATTHEW What?

LENA You said it was crazy I wanted to do this now.

And I said, Why would I have waited? ...

You want to start a band.

I know you’re not crazy because we have World Lit together on Thursdays.

Your music is good./ And you’re the porn kid.

MATTHEW Thanks. ...

The what kid?!

LENA (deadpan) The porn kid.

MATTHEW How did you know

Lights change.

Matt and Lena freeze or disappear as INTERNETZ is seen or heard.

know— // Lights change.

Matt and Lena freeze or disappear as INTERNETZ is seen or heard.

INTERNETZ (in voices different but the same) Yo there’s that porn nigga stayin’ in Marks Hall. Shit crazy.

PORN KID IS DOING AN OPEN MIC TONIGHT LOLOLOLOLOLOL. I would legit kill myself if I was that porn kid.

What’s his name? W/e I wish my brother would...I would be like...

[NeNe Leakes gif] Just jacked off to that

porn kid’s brother.

Does anyone know where I can find a stream of a vid of that porn kid’s brother?

Yo does anybody even know that porn kid’s name? Tryin’ to find his brother. #fapFapFap [NSFW LINK] // Back in the dorm room.

Back in the dorm room.

LENA That’s what everyone calls you.

Your brother does do porn right?

MATTHEW I mean...

I don’t know.

Lena starts cracking up.

Matt throws his last piece of laundry into his dirty basket before turning around.

Maybe.

Fuck!

I mentioned it to like one/ roommate.

Lena starts cracking up.

LENA That’s fucking hilarious.

Oh my god.

I didn’t think it was true.

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

Matt throws his last piece of laundry into his dirty basket before turning around.

MATTHEW Well it’s only a few— I mean...

He hasn’t been doing it for THAT long...

It’s just that—

Lena takes out her iPhone and sits down on his bed, legs causally spread apart.

Lena takes out her iPhone and sits down on his bed, legs causally spread apart.

LENA What’s his name?

I wanna see if there’s a familial resemblance.

Matt walks over to his “studio” set-up in the corner of his room and opens his laptop.

Lena shows a picture to him on her phone.

MATTHEW Can we talk about music— the band— for a second?

I really don’t/wan— Lena shows a picture to him on her phone.

LENA (laughing) Is this him?

MATTHEW No.

LENA Shit.

Alec tweeted that it was...

MATTHEW People are tweeting/ about this?

LENA So like what kind of porn?

Like porn porn?

MATTHEW Yes. Porn porn.

LENA Softcore, Skinemax porn porn?

Or—

MATTHEW No! Like porn porn!

Like porn that dudes like fucking jack it to all over the world.

He even won some award.

Like, some porn critic award (Pause.)

Your performance tonight, it was it you’re amazing.

I felt like I was in a video game or something.

LENA (not giving up) There are porn critics?

MATTHEW ...

I guess.

LENA What do they even critique? Like, lighting?

The creativity of the camera angles?

The inventiveness of the plotlines?

MATTHEW I don’t know.

(Pause. Weirdly confrontational:) I’m sorry if that was like, awkward, or whatever for you,

but you were really good.

That’s why I was so excited when you said you wanted want— When you said you want to be in my band. ...

You didn’t just like come up here because I’m like the/ “porn kid”, right?

LENA No. I wanna make music.

I’m not a fucking liar/ and—

MATTHEW /I wasn’t saying you’re a liar...

LENA —it doesn’t hurt that you’re not completely tragic looking...

MATTHEW What?

Lena smiles, immediately sweetening the bite.

Lena smiles, immediately sweetening the bite.

LENA I wonder who the Pitchfork of porn criticism is?

Like what does one have to do to get a 10.0 on “Pitchforked”?

Or “Best New Cumshot” on “PitchForked”

MATTHEW Pitchfucked.

LENA Shut up!

Lena immediately begins googling.

Lena is still typing. Matthew heads over to his studio set up and starts opening up projects in LOGIC (a music program).

It exists?

Lena immediately begins googling.

MATTHEW No. “Pitchfucked” would just be a wittier name...

Nevermind.

Lena is still typing. Matthew heads over to his studio set up and starts opening up projects in LOGIC (a music program).

MATTHEW But like, speaking of, if you’re interested I can like play some things I’m working on... ...

It’s really rough/but I think—

LENA I’ve never known anyone who did porn.

Which is crazy because you’d think growing up here I’d have at least one friend who got tits too early or was like molested or something and ended up in the Valley... but no.

And it’s crazy you do because—

MATTHEW Because what?

LENA (laughing) I mean...

I’m not saying “because

Matthew starts unfurling some headphones.

He tries to hand her the earphones. She doesn’t take them, setting down her phone instead.

you’re basic...”

BUT dude you basic.

Matthew starts unfurling some headphones.

MATTHEW (deciding to ignore that) Listen to this.

He tries to hand her the earphones. She doesn’t take them, setting down her phone instead.

LENA Did you ever watch MTV’s Undressed?

MATTHEW (beleaguered) Undressed?

LENA Yes, MTV’s Undressed?

MATTHEW Can’t say that I have, Lena.

LENA Oh my god!

It was everything.

I mean, it’s not THAT crazy that you haven’t seen it.

It was before our time.

Like pre-Teen Wolf, and post-MTV2, but def not proto-MTV...

So I guess that’s like TRL-era MTV? I don’t know, anyway...

It was pretty major.

MATTHEW Cool...

Lena looks at Matt closely.

Matt looks in her eyes

Lena looks at Matt closely.

Matt looks in her eyes for a moment before it becomes uncomfortable for him and he has to look away again.

for a moment before it becomes uncomfortable for him and he has to look away again.

LENA My older brother would watch it when I was little sometimes.

When my parents were asleep, you know?

Or when he was babysitting me.

And that show was is probably one of my earliest memories.

Like I don’t remember plots.

Just like, the impression of them.

But what sorta seeps through is fucking awesome.

Like some things get

confused with my actual memories...

Like there is one about a step brother and a step sister who start hooking up while their parents areaway on vacation.

And like, another about a girl who figures out she likes girls when she sees her roommate naked for the first time?

Matt shifts uncomfortably.

Matt shifts uncomfortably.

LENA But the one I remember the most is about this boy who is like afraid to take showers or something?

Because he doesn’t want everyone to know

he’s like super well endowed? And then he starts dating this girl who is already dating someone else and they all have a threesome in the girls dorm room because Feminism. Slash Fuck it.

Or something like that.

Because...

Oh yeah!

That’s it.

The girl was like a Women’s Studies major I think.

But that part has like nothing to do with the big dick story line but it was a teen soap so— you know?

I don’t know.

Like they didn’t show anything,

Or at least not much, I mean it came on after Daria.

It’s just that, for the longest time That was the closest thing to porn I ever saw.

I mean besides the time I walked in on my mom giving my dad head...

You know.

So it fucked with me.

Like all these kids had these crazy sex lives in high school and college.

And so far the best story I have is that I’m hanging out with a kid, whose brother won some “porn critic’s award”.

No offense.

What the fuckLike what the hell is that? Why did I just...

Matt has been staring back and forth from Lena to his computer uncomfortably throughout. He seems to finally have found what he was looking for.

She looks at him and smiles, effortlessly captivating.

Whatever.

Matt has been staring back and forth from Lena to his computer uncomfortably throughout. He seems to finally have found what he was looking for.

LENA (pulling out her phone) He has to be on tumblr somewhere.

What does he look like?

I’m just one second away from tapping into his fandom.

She looks at him and smiles, effortlessly captivating.

Matt pulls the headphones out of the jack of his

Matt pulls the headphones out of the jack of his computer and turns up his speakers.

More Hades with synths.

computer and turns up his speakers.

More Hades with synths.

MATTHEW (from the stereo, through distortion) There’s a dragon deep inside...

MATTHEW So this is the sort of thing I was/ thinking we

LENA Oh my god that’s so loud!

MATTHEW (turning down the volume a bit) Well obviously I want it to have a bit more of a feminine touch.

You know? Brighten it up a bit?

LENA Feminine? Ugh...

Listen just hold off on that for a second— Has your brother ever told you he makes porn?

MATTHEW No, not exactly.

And, all I meant by feminine/touch

LENA Matt I told you I want to make music but I’m not interested in this darkcore, rapewave shit.

MATTHEW Rapewave?

LENA Whatever.

I can’t concetrate on it right now.

MATTHEW It’s witch-house.

LENA What?

MATTHEW That’s the genre.

LENA (laughing) Whatever dude... (picking her phone back up) Will you just tell me how I can find your brother?

MATTHEW Oh my god.

LENA I promise, you show me your brother and I’m done.

MATTHEW ...

Fuck. ... ok.

But like... ok.

His name is //

Xander and Michael are in the backseat of Michael’s Escalade or G-Wagon. Xander’s pants are around his ankles and Michael is wiping his hands on his jeans, his mouth on his shirt.

Xander and Michael are in the backseat of Michael’s Escalade or G-Wagon. Xander’s pants are around his ankles and Michael is wiping his

hands on his jeans, his mouth on his shirt.

XANDER Xander, by the way.

Xander Xyst.

Michael starts to laugh.

Michael starts to laugh.

MICHAEL Oh yeah... we didn’t do that part did we? (awkwardly tries to shake his hand) I was thinking about calling you “xandcali20” Ha! Um....I’m Michael.

Michael Watts. While we’re being formal.

Nice to meet you.

LENA XYST?

MATTHEW It’s some sort of Roman word, I guess.

LENA Latin.

MATTHEW What?

LENA It’s a Latin word.

There are no such things as “Roman words”.

MATTHEW Whatever.

MICHAEL Is Xyst your real last name?

XANDER Yes.

MICHAEL Brilliant.

What does it mean?

XANDER It’s a long portico used for Greek Athletic events.

MICHAEL That’s funny.

I can tell you’re Greek.

XANDER I’m not.

MICHAEL What do you mean you’re not?

Maybe not fully but you’re definitely Greek.

Look at that thing

between your legs.

If that ain’t... fuck ... what’s the name of the Greek god with a hammer?

XANDER I’m not sure.

MICHAEL He’s got a limp? ... ...

I thought you’d know for sure.

XANDER Why would I know that?

LENA So...I’m guessing since he won an award

and everything...

MATTHEW Yes. He has a big dick.

Hmmmm....

LENA Like how big?

Bigger than yours?

MATTHEW Big.

LENA So bigger than yours?

MATTHEW (suddenly reaching his limit) Why? Silence.

Silence.

Lena looks back at

Lena looks back at her phone and scrolls through her tumblr.

her phone and scrolls through her tumblr.

LENA (under her breath) Because if you did have a big dick you could maybe get laid and chill the fuck out.

Matt looks at her and tries to catch her eyes before reaching over and turning the music back up.

Matt looks at her and tries to catch her eyes before reaching over and turning the music back up.

MATTHEW ...

Only the music for a few moments. Lena walks over to Mat.

Only the music for a few moments. Lena walks over to Mat.

LENA (close) Matt?

I’m joking.

MATTHEW (backing away slightly) You’re gross.

LENA (closer) Says the virgin.

MATTHEW Shut up.

LENA (closest) I mean that’s why you named yourself “Matthew Myst” right?

To feel a bit more like him?

Matthew keeps fiddling with the keys on his laptop.

Matthew keeps fiddling with the keys on his laptop.

MATTHEW ... ... ...

Myst is a computer game I really liked when I was little.

Xander looks around, feeling the leather beneath his fingers: cool, clinging to his skin like a garden snake.

Xander looks around, feeling the leather beneath his fingers: cool, clinging to his skin like a garden snake.

XANDER I like your car.

MICHAEL You do?

XANDER ... ...

MICHAEL Want to drive it?

XANDER Not really.

Michael slides closer to him and puts his hands in Xander’s crotch again.

Michael slides closer to him and puts his hands in Xander’s crotch again.

MICHAEL (flirtatious, this is how he woos) Come on...

You know you want to drive it.

Guess how much it cost. ...

Come on...guess

XANDER I’m not good at guessing games.

He slides Michael’s hands out of his crotch.

Lena lets out a breath of excitement.

He slides Michael’s hands out of his crotch.

MICHAEL You’re no fun. ...

A hundred and fifty grand. ... ...

Come on.

Drive.

Take us down the PCH. Let’s go to Malibu.

Lena lets out a breath of excitement.

LENA I FOUND HIM! Let’s watch!

MATTHEW Can we not? Please.

LENA I really wanna watch it.

It’s not like you haven’t already seen it.

Michael is staring at Xander’s crotch.

Xander kickstarts the engine and begins to reach over for the gear shift.

Michael is staring at Xander’s crotch.

Xander kickstarts the engine and begins to reach over for the gear shift.

So fucking hot.

Michael reaches for Xander’s crotch again.

Michael reaches for Xander’s crotch again.

MICHAEL (unzipping Xander’s pants) Let’s get this night started.

The engine revs to life.

The lights go down and all we can see is the glow of Lena’s iPhone on Lena and Matthew’s faces as Xander begins the drive North on the PCH...

END OF SCENE EPILEPSY STROBE TO BLACKOUT

The lights go down and all we can see is the glow of Lena’s iPhone on Lena and Matthew’s faces as Xander begins the drive North on the PCH...

END OF SCENE EPILEPSY STROBE TO BLACKOUT

SCENE3:YOU WANT THIS MONSTER(COCK)?

A nebulous space.

In darkness or perhaps in light we see or hear INTERNETZ.

A nebulous space.

In darkness or perhaps in light we see or hear INTERNETZ. INTERNETZ (in voices different but the same) Do you believe in God(s)?

I do.

I believe in the greek ones tho.

Like Zeus and Aphrodite and Hermia and all the rest.

Hermia? The bitch from midsummer?

I fuck with them.

I really do.

Why? You know why?

They were fucking lascivious. You know?

DUDDDDEEEEE. Fucking bad asses. But messy too. That makes more sense. Yeah totally.

Fuck your omnipresent omniscient vengeful gods of repression.

“Jack off and i’ll smite you” lookin’ ass.

WTF!!!

This some blasphemy right here.

Give me a god that gets his dick wet. You know?

Illumanti shit.

666 4 life.

Zeus fucked bitches as a swan. Zeus invented the side piece.

Leda was the first jump-off!

Jump-offs UNITE! They were like real people.

They came to earth and

not to fuck with us. Just to fuck us.

They came to earth and acted like humans. We weren’t made in their image, we couldn’t be... the gods were too divine to be cloned but after we got their fire we thought like them.

Duddddeeeee.

Shit’s gettin’ deep up in here. #M arianaT rench It’s crazy tho. Because sometimes I think the gods are still here. deep.

U smoking.

Give me some.

Kush Koma.

This motherfucker on that sea foam diet!

APRHODITEEEEE

Cuz like at the end of the “myth” they all just moved to italy and became normal people.

Crazy.

For real ya’ll this some some satanic bullshit.

So what if all the people we admire in the world like Lorde, David Bowie, Beyonce, or even Xander Xyst are like descendants of those gods, u know?

I’m prayin’ for y’all.

That’s why we worship them. Why we can’t stop thinking about them.

That’s how they get their power.

That’s gay.

They’re too divine to be touched, but not to be felt.

TROLLOLOLOLOL.

In a nebulous space, we see Xander standing outside the Escalade or G-Wagon while Michael is sitting in the passenger seat, seatbelt off, frozen and leaning towards Xander’s missing crotch. The dreamlike music begins to fill the stage again.

Xander walks off, grabs a cardboard cut-out of himself and sets it down in the driver’s seat.

Michael begins to move again.

Get outta here with that Satan shit.

Bye Felicia! // In a nebulous space, we see Xander standing outside the Escalade or G-Wagon while Michael is sitting in the passenger seat, seatbelt off, frozen and leaning towards Xander’s missing crotch. The dreamlike music begins to fill the stage again.

Xander walks off, grabs a cardboard cut-out of himself and sets it down in the driver’s seat.

Michael begins to move again.

Xander continues to look while beginning to undress: first the shoes, then the shirt, then the shorts until:

MICHAEL (head moving up and down the Xander cut-out’s crotch) Looks like someone’s excited about the drive to Malibu.

As we hear a car rev up and begin its drive towards the ocean Xander watches Michael fellate this other self .

Xander continues to look while beginning to undress: first the shoes, then the shirt, then the shorts until: // Lena and Matthew appear again, still illuminated by the light of the iPhone but now in some new nebulous space.

Suddenly Xander’s there

Lena and Matthew appear again, still illuminated by the light of the iPhone but now in some new nebulous space.

Suddenly Xander’s there in front of them, divine, posed nakedly in his “Xander Xyst Xperience” banner pose from the Prologue accompanied by a female blow-up doll.

Matthew puts his hands over his face.

in front of them, divine, posed nakedly in his “Xander Xyst Xperience” banner pose from the Prologue accompanied by a female blow-up doll.

XANDER Welcome! To the Xander Xyst Xperience.

INTERNETZ (in its most sultry voice) The Xander Xyst Xperience...Warning Adult Content.

If you’re 18 or over, press Select.

Matthew puts his hands over his face.

LENA (laughing) Select.

(nudging Matthew) Your big brother is hot.

Oh my god. Can we just— breathe....just breathe...

Xander stands there, posturing and posing, with each new “video” that’s toggled he and the blow-up doll enact the corresponding “gif” preview.

Xander stands there, posturing and posing, with each new “video” that’s toggled he and the blow-up doll enact the corresponding “gif” preview.

Their positions and the overall feel of their coitus telegraphs as “kink”.

This should be presented honestly and not “comedic” (it’s sex between a man and a “blow-up doll”, it will be inherently comedic).

Their positions and the overall feel of their coitus telegraphs as “kink”. This should be presented honestly and not “comedic” (it’s sex between a man and a “blow-up doll”, it will be inherently comedic).

INTERNETZ New releases...

XANDER Xander Xyst and his Tryst with Dana Dymond.

LENA Next.

XANDER Xander Xyst and his Tryst with Feather Farmingo.

LENA Next.

MATTHEW (reaching for the phone) Aren’t the previews enough?

You get/it.

LENA (pulling away) Stop! I want to watch.

It’s not like you haven’t already seen it.

Goddamn it. Fuck this.

Fuck her. This is— Fuck this shit.

XANDER Xander Xyst and his Tryst with Alana Arabesque. NOW IN HD! LENA This looks hot.

MATTHEW ...

LENA Select.

INTERNETZ Buffering...

The lights change.

Xander and “Alana” are frozen mid-coitus.

Alana’s arms are pulled back, her back arched, and Xander’s face is in her crotch.

Lena voices “Alana”, this is either pre-recorded or live but should always feel as though it’s coming from the Alana’s agape mouth.

The lights change.

Xander and “Alana” are frozen mid-coitus.

Alana’s arms are pulled back, her back arched, and Xander’s face is in her crotch.

Lena voices “Alana”, this is either pre-recorded or live but should always feel as though it’s coming from the Alana’s agape mouth.

INTERNETZ Ten percent. Thirty-five percent. Fifty percent.

Sixty percent. Sixty percent. Forty-five percent. Fifty percent...

LENA The wifi here sucks.

INTERNETZ Ninety percent. Xander immediately unfreezes.

XANDER (lifting his head from her crotch) You want this cock?

ALANA I want that cock.

XANDER You want this cock?

ALANA Give me that monster cock!

XANDER I’ll give you this monster cock.

He penetrates Alana, flipping her over and bending her back in some anatomically impossible fashion. And goes at her.

ALANA Yes. YES. YES. Matthew, eyes on his brother, puts his hands in his pants. Lena too, is entranced, but her body and eyes seem drawn to the whole...

This is beautiful, in a way, the way they— fuck.fuck.fuck.

Matthew, eyes on his brother, puts his hands in his pants. Lena too, is entranced, but her body and eyes seem drawn to the whole...

This is beautiful, in a way, the way they— fuck.fuck.fuck.

ALANA Your cock feels so good.

His hands continue to subtly move in his pants.

MATTHEW (whispered) You want this monster cock?

His hands continue to subtly move in his pants.

LENA (whispered) It’s so ridiculous right?

ALANA My pussy is on fire... my pussy is engulfed in flames... yet...

Yet...

Yet my pussy, she is purring... purring through the flames... lapping them up, so enraptured is my pussy

Alana is about to “come”.

Xander flips her into another position, more impossible than the last.

by the fire of your monster cock!

Alana is about to “come”.

Xander flips her into another position, more impossible than the last.

ALANA I. I. I. I. I. I know now what kind of monster your moster cock is...

Your monster cock.

He is a monster of old...

He. He. He. He. He. He. He is a dragon...

A big long Chinese dragon....

He burns so good your dragon.

He burnssssssss...

He burns so good.

Lena, too, feels overcome by this all, but

Lena, too, feels overcome by this all, but begins to laugh at it’s ridiculousness just as Matt, sitting beside her, comes.

He stares down at his hand and crotch. Xander stands up, immediately striking his pose.

begins to laugh at it’s ridiculousness just as Matt, sitting beside her, comes.

He stares down at his hand and crotch.

Xander stands up, immediately striking his pose.

XANDER Would you like to toggle autoplay?

Next video: Xander Xyst and his Tryst with Trina Trite.

Next video: Xander Xyst and his Tryst with Trina Trite.

Lena turns off her phone and suddenly we are back in Matt’s dorm room. Matt is bent down and looking over at his studio.

INTERNETZ Next video will play in five, four, three, two... // Lena turns off her phone and suddenly we are

back in Matt’s dorm room. Matt is bent down and looking over at his studio.

LENA Oh. My. God. MATTHEW Can I play you my song now?

LENA That was/amazing.

MATTHEW I would really like to just play my song now.

Lena looks at him and nods.

Matthew hits a few keys on his laptop and a beat begins to play.

Matthew hits a few keys on his laptop and a beat begins to play.

He picks up the drum sticks to his electronic drum pad and adds to the beat.

He picks up the drum sticks to his electronic drum pad and adds to the beat.

MATTHEW It’s still super rough right now.

Throughout the song

Matthew seems to float in between his dorm room and that nebulous space.

The beat is still dark, Hades with synths.

Lena looks on, still energized from the video.

Matthew seems to float in between his dorm room and that nebulous space.

The beat is still dark, Hades with synths.

Lena looks on, still energized from the video.

MATTHEW There’s a dragon deep inside... and your name is writ

on his tongue.

There’s a dragon deep inside... with fire dancing in his lungs.

There’s a dragon deep inside.

Who who who who? Oh...

He he he he’s a dragon.

Who who who who? Oh...

Matthew is getting more emotional now. Perhaps tears, but maybe not. Lena steps closer, the energy of the video waning and this new moment becoming clearer.

He he he he’s a dragon.

Matthew is getting more emotional now. Perhaps tears, but maybe not.

Lena steps closer, the energy of the video

waning and this new moment becoming clearer.

MATTHEW (more emotional) Run virgin run.

Run virigin run Run virgin run run run to the hills.

Run virgin run.

Run virgin run.

Run virgin run run run to the hills.

The beat becomes disjointed and erratic now, Matthew lost in emotion, begins tapping out a drum pattern at an impressive clip. Lena moves closer, almost to him now.

Run virgin run.

He’s a dragon.

Run virgin run to The hills.

The beat becomes disjointed and erratic now, Matthew lost in

emotion, begins tapping out a drum pattern at an impressive clip. Lena moves closer, almost to him now.

MATTHEW Better hide well, Because he he he’s not looking to kill.

Better hide well, Because he he he’s not looking to kill.

Quiet virgin quiet Stay low stay still.

Quiet virgin quiet stay low stay still.

He he he...

He’s a dragon.

Who who who who? Oh.

The beat subsides. Lena is right next to him now.

She reaches out to grab his hand.

Matthew pulls her close and begins kissing her.

Matthew puts one hand on her crotch.

He he he he’s a dragon.

The beat subsides. Lena is right next to him now.

She reaches out to grab his hand.

LENA That was— Are you al— Matthew pulls her close and begins kissing her.

LENA (pulling back) Matt. Stop.

Matthew puts one hand on her crotch.

MATTHEW It’s like an ocean down there.

There’s a palpable sense of fear in the

air but it’s the fear of mutual discovery.

Lena leans forward and kisses him.

Lena leans forward and kisses him.

MATTHEW You taste sweet.

Like honey.

He kisses her as the lights fade on them.

Lights up on Michael and the real Xander in the Escalade or G-Wagon.

Michael’s head is still on Xander’s crotch.

Not moving, but at rest as though giving it

He kisses her as the lights fade on them. // We’re here the sound of the waves crashing on the beach.

Lights up on Michael and the real Xander in the Escalade or G-Wagon. Michael’s head is still on Xander’s crotch.

Not moving, but at rest as though giving it comfort.

XANDER We’re here.

END OF SCENE EPILEPSY STROBE TO BLACKOUT

END OF SCENE EPILEPSY STROBE TO BLACKOUT

SCENE 4:I SEE YOU BEGGING WITH A KNIFE

Darkness.

Darkness.

Suddenly the Interentz interjects.

Suddenly the Interentz interjects.

INTERNETZ The popularity of Xander Xyst is indicative of GEN Y ennui...

Xander Xys exists not in the world of porn but in one of shock and awe.

Ya’ll Xander Xyst is TOO MUCH. Ugh. Nasty.

Saw a guy this morning who looked like Xander Xyst and almost came right there. Xander Xyst is a fucking joke.

He asked, “who taught you how to do that” I said, “Xander taught me...”

I find his work sexist. It’s

Michael and Xander are sitting on a beach the headlights to the G-Wagon or the Escalade still on behind them.

all about him. This man.

This male. Contorting and torturing women who all look the same.

There is nothing unique about this man he’s simply a beast.

Wake up people. Do you even hear what he’s saying in his vids? It’s not funny or clever it’s demonic.

Xander Xyst is out of this world.

Xander Xyst is a mad man.

Xander Xyst fucks women like he hates them. // Michael and Xander are sitting on a beach the headlights to the G-Wagon or the Escalade still on behind them.

Michael is smoking a

Michael is smoking a joint.

Xander is looking out to the ocean.

Michael reaches over, offering the joint to Xander.

Xander looks at him.

Michael takes another quick puff starts to put it out, thinks about it, takes another puff longer this time, then puts it out.

He looks back at Xander.

joint. Xander is looking out to the ocean.

Michael reaches over, offering the joint to Xander. Xander looks at him.

I told you I was sober.

Oh yeah...he’ s—damn.

Michael takes another quick puff starts to put it out, thinks about it, takes another puff longer this time, then puts it out. He looks back at Xander.

MICHAEL What’re you thinking about?

XANDER Everything ...

Nothing.

The waves.

MICHAEL So mysterious.

Hm. ...

You are just like the boys I had crushes on in high school.

Michael leans in close.

Xander regards him for a moment.

Michael leans in close.

Xander regards him for a moment.

XANDER What were they like?

MICHAEL Dirty.

Hidden... (from themselves mainly...)

Explosive and restrained all at once. ...

They were all Cobains.

He lies back. Xander continues regarding him.

He lies back. Xander continues regarding him.

MICHAEL There was this guy.

Banks McGee. Oh god...

I used to.

Fuck.

I would jack off to him like every day.

Spoke in one word sentences.

“Yo.” “Sup.” Standard Cali boy.

But he was on the water polo team and he only really hung out with like, that whole crew.

So junior year I joined the team.

Hoping that somehow

Xander looks at him deeper.

I could get his attention.

Or at least see enough of him that my, like, “imagined” version of him would be clearer.

Xander looks at him deeper.

MICHAEL Anyway, I was fucking terrible, But I have a decent arm so I was put on the varsity squad with Banks.

And they asked him to like “train me”.

So every morning before school I’d meet him at the pool and we would go through the exercises or whatever.

And it was all normal

still speaking in those one word sentences until one day he gave me this look.

And/I

XANDER What kind of look?

MICHAEL Just this look.

And I could tell he knew everything about me.

Even some of the stuff I didn’t want anyone to know yet. ... ...

Anyway, after our first or second warm up he was like: “Hey. Thirsty?”

And I was like

“Yeah...” and he was like “Ok Close your eyes.”

And I did.

The he was like: “Open your mouth.”

And I did.

And I floated there by the edge of the pool eyes closed mouth opened and I heard him get out.

And just when I was about to open my eyes I felt something hot hit my face.

It was in my nose and my mouth before I could do anything.

I moved to protect my face from it and threw myself deep underwater.

When I came up, I opened my eyes and I saw him standing at the edge of the pool dick in hand peeing.

And he looked at me, with this sort of angry pain in his eyes and was like, “I thought you’d like that.”

Xander looks at him.

Michael is smiling.

Xander looks at him.

Michael is smiling.

MICHAEL He was my first boyfriend.

XANDER Huh...

MICHAEL What about you?

What’s your story?

Where are you from?

I see you.

XANDER ...

Well.

What do you wanna/ know?

MICHAEL Like your family.

XANDER Oh well, we, uh we’re from Western Virginia, but it might as well be West Virginia.

It’s just as backwards.

MICHAEL We?

XANDER Well... it was always just me and my brother Matt.

We never really knew our dad, and Mom... she tried, you know?

Michael is back to looking at Xander’s body.

Taking it in.

So fucking hot.

Michael is back to looking at Xander’s body.

Taking it in.

So fucking hot.

XANDER Matt was so fucking smart.

A genius.

He’s a weirdo but like you get him on a computer?

He can do anything.

He used to make all these weird songs and shit.

Because...

Well it was our only way of distracting Mom from her dragon.

MICHAEL What?

XANDER That’s what we called... it was stupid...

I was like really into dragons—like folklore and shit...

King Arthur, Merlin and myths and shit... when I was growing up?

And well when Mom got— When she got lost in the—

... ...

It was a mountain town.

You know?

The jobs dried up.

There wasn’t any escape from just the sheer— and it wasn’t a monkey on her back.

It was more powerful than that.

So I— It was a dragon.

That’s what I had to see it as.

And we were supposed to slay it.

Free her from him.

You know?

It made it safer, for him.

If I explained it that way.

I mean he was so— And I was so much older...

And we tried.

We would hide it, flush it, sell it. Anything to keep her away.

But it never worked.

And he won.

Her dragon overtook her.

Pause.

Ok...so...yeah.

XANDER That’s when I realized that you can’t kill a dragon, not in real life.

You live with him, study how he moves.

Learn how he breathes fire.

Then you’re truly free.

So I left. ... ... ...

I don’t— I haven’t really— So...

But yeah.

That’s my story.

Xander stares out.

Silence.

Michael puts a hand on Xander’s knee.

Xander stares out.

Silence.

Michael puts a hand on Xander’s knee.

MICHAEL Xander, I’m sorry .

That That really sucks.

Silence.

Michael reaches over and starts to kiss Xander, his hand moving from his knee towards his belt. Xander’s eyes remain open and start to fill with disgust .

Silence.

Michael reaches over and starts to kiss Xander, his hand moving from his knee towards his belt.

Xander’s eyes remain open and start to fill with disgust .

He pushes Michael away, who keeps coming back.

i see you...

He pushes Michael away, who keeps coming back.

XANDER Stop.

MICHAEL (going back) You kiss with your eyes open.

XANDER STOP. MICHAEL What?

Xander looks at him for a long moment. Slowly through the following we move from the beach in Malibu to that nebulous space from before.

And Xander starts to take on the qualities of his other self.

Xander looks at him for a long moment. Slowly through the following we move from the beach in Malibu to that nebulous

space from before.

And Xander starts to take on the qualities of his other self.

XANDER Your mouth smells like death. Decay.

I knew this wasn’t— That this isn’t.

You tast like you’ve had your fill.

Michael stays seated, dumbstruck.

MICHAEL What?

XANDER Leave.

Michael stays seated, dumbstruck.

XANDER I said leave.

Your insignificance has been made manifest.

Michael begins to laugh.

Michael begins to laugh.

MICHAEL Wow...

I— ...

Wow. I’ve fucked some weird dudes, like some TRULY fucked bastards but... ...

GOD! My insignificance?

Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha.

You? My insignificance?

You. You are nothing. (laughing) You’re a big dick and a

weird name.

Do you think I don’t know about you?

Xander Xyst.

DUDE! There’s fucking Japanese hentai about you.

You didn’t even have the decency to pretend you have a real name.

You’re a fucking dildo come to life.

A sex toy I got for free.

I feel like I’m in some shitty 80s comedy.

“My date with a porn star” HA! This was a lark.

I came to see if the pics you were sending were real or if I was being catfished.

Me, insignificant?

You just spilled your life story to a complete stranger.

Fuck outta here!

You’re a fucking cancer.

You disgust me.

All you do All you’ve DONE is infect.

I hope you have a good way home because I don’t really give a fuck how big your dick is, it’s not riding with me.

If I get lonely the Treasure Chest is just a few blocks away.

Xander looks at him.

Xander looks at him.

XANDER You’re begging with a knife and you don’t even know it.

... ...

Hephaestus.

That’s the god with the hammer.

Forged in the fires bestowed to him by Apollo, father of Ismene the Serpent.

The first dragon.

The Internetz makes its presence known and joins for this.

MICHAEL (walking towards his car) What the fuck are you tal— I’m leaving.

This is.

You are/the mos— The Internetz makes its presence known and joins for this.

XANDER/INTERNETZ “ MiracleMichael”

“ MiracleMichael”?

5’10, 180 lbs [or whatever the dimensions of the actor are] Fit Into: Jocks, College, Military, and Muscle Vers 4 Vers but like em big.

Very oral.

Looking for dates, relationships, and NSA hookups.

Can host slash travel.

Drug and disease free u b 2.

NO FATS NO FEMS ONLY CAPITAL M-E-N MEN need apply.

Xander starts to laugh. A laugh that’s too loud.

Amplified even.

Xander walks towards Michael. Slowly taking off his clothes throughout the following.

Teasing.

Xander starts to laugh.

A laugh that’s too loud.

Amplified even.

Xander walks towards Michael. Slowly taking off his clothes throughout the following.

Teasing.

Xander and Michael stare at each other.

XANDER/INTERNETZ I am a fucking cancer.

I’m infectious.

That’s why I’m known.

I’m the result of life, fully lived.

I set off a spark in others that consumes them, They live and die by my embers.

That’s why I chose you, To see if I could fill your emptiness with a bit of warmth.

Some fire.

But your insignificance bores me.

Your hollowness is unappealing.

Xander and Michael stare at each other.

Michael takes a step towards him and the world slows down as:

An explosion of light and percussion overwhelms the nebulous space unsettling it as a figure emerges in silhouette flanked by INTERNETZ. The silhouette opens its arms and its suddenly we realize it’s Lena.

XANDER/INTERNETZ Leave.

Or are you still waiting for me to tell you to clse your eyes and say “AHHHHHHH”?

Michael takes a step towards him and the world slows down as: // An explosion of light and percussion overwhelms the nebulous space unsettling it as a figure emerges in silhouette flanked by INTERNETZ. The silhouette opens its arms and its suddenly we realize it’s Lena.

INTERNETZ RUN RUN RUN RUN

She moves erratically as though attempting a dance she’s seen but not mastered.

RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN They repeat this beneath her text.

She moves erratically as though attempting a dance she’s seen but not mastered.

LENA So I stayed.

Past that sudden blow: The white heat the unnameable untameable synapses moving like a rollercoaster from my lungs after that first— Lena takes a HUGE breath.

Lena screams.

INTERNETZ RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN Lena screams.

LENA The unnameable untameable.

Undressed.

Did you ever see undressed?

That one episode with the— There was— It was— I love stories.

I wanted a story I wanted to feel in control Of of those unnameable untameable

Un— I had a dream and I was, For a moment that felt infinite, I was hanging out the window of a high tower arms outstretched like wings.

Then I leapt, feathers tumbling from between my thighs my open mouth as I danced toward the ground.

Lena disappears.

Lena disappears.

END OF SCENE EPILEPSY STROBE TO BLACKOUT END OF SCENE EPILEPSY STROBE TO BLACKOUT

SCENE 5:MATTHEW MYST AND HIS TRYST WITH LENA LAMENT

Matthew stands alone in the nebulous space, he is naked and pained.

The music, reminiscent of a dream, is playing throughout.

Suddenly Xander is there, posing in his Xander Xyst Xperience banner pose.

Matthew stands alone in the nebulous space, he is naked and pained.

The music, reminiscent of a dream, is playing throughout.

Suddenly Xander is there, posing in his Xander Xyst Xperience banner pose.

XANDER Welcome!

INTERNETZ (sultry) The Xander Xyst Xperience...warning adult content.

If you are over 18, press Select.

MATTHEW I want to talk to my brother.

XANDER Welcome!

INTERNETZ The Xander Xyst Xperience...warning adult content/ If you are over—

Xander looks over at Michael from his pose.

He takes a moment and then breaks it.

MATTHEW I WANT TO TALK TO MY BROTHER. Xander looks over at Michael from his pose.

He takes a moment and then breaks it.

XANDER Hey baby bro.

MATTHEW ...

Hey. INTERNETZ The Xander Xyst Xperience...

XANDER I miss you.

MATTHEW I miss you too... ...

I did something bad tonight.

XANDER What did you do?

INTERNETZ Warning...adult content.

MATTHEW I wrote a song about you.

Will you sing it?

XANDER What did you do Matt?

MATTHEW I think there’s something really— you fucked me up.

XANDER What happened?

MATTHEW Sing my song.

XANDER I don’t know the words.

MATTHEW Yes you do.

Sing the song and I’ll tell you.

INTERNETZ If you are over 18, press select.

XANDER Ok. Slowly, finding a rythm in the music. Xander begins to sing. His version is different, unadorned and softer than Matt’s.

Slowly, finding a rythm in the music. Xander begins to sing. His version is different, unadorned and softer than Matt’s.

XANDER There’s a dragon deep inside... and your name is writ on his tongue. there’s a dragon deep inside...

With fire dancing in his lungs.

Matt walks center stage and strikes a pose.

MATTHEW Matthew Myst and his Tryst with Lena Lament.

Select.

XANDER There’s a dragon deep inside: Who who who who? Oh. He he he he’s a dragon.

Who who who Who? Oh. He he he he’s a dragon.

Who who who Who? Oh. He he he... he’s a dragon.

INTERNETZ Buffering...

Lena enters with a blow up doll dressed in Lena’s clothes and throws it at Matt’s feet. Matt picks up the blow-up and freezes mid-kiss.

Lena regards him with a look of disgust.

Lena enters with a blow up doll dressed in Lena’s clothes and throws it at Matt’s feet. Matt picks up the blow-up and freezes mid-kiss.

Lena regards him with a look of disgust.

XANDER Run virgin run!

Run virgin run .

Run virgin run run run to the hills.

Run virgin run!

Run virgin run .

Run virgin run run run to the hills.

Run virgin run he’s a dragon.

Run virgin run to the hills.

INTERNETZ Ten percent. Thirty-five percent. Fifty percent.

Sixty percent.

Ninety percent.

Matt immediately unfreezes and begins making out with the blow-up doll and tearing off her clothes.

Lena looks on, disgusted.

Once disrobed Matt clumsily falls to the ground with the blow-up doll and begins humping her while attempting to put her body in one of the positions he saw in the Xander video.

Matt immediately unfreezes and begins making out with the blow-up doll and tearing off her clothes. Lena looks on, disgusted.

Once disrobed Matt clumsily falls to the ground with the blow-up doll and begins humping her while attempting to put her body in one of the positions he saw in the Xander video.

Matt stop.

Matt keeps fucking and fumbling.

LENA Ow. Fuck.

Matt...

Matt stop.

I don’t— I don’t like this.

Matt keeps fucking and fumbling.

LENA It was funny at first then...

Just.

MATTHEW You want this monster cock?

LENA Oh god.

MATTHEW Yeah. You like this?

LENA Uh uh.

Fuck.

For real.

This is.

MATTHEW Yeah. Take it.

Take this monster cock.

LENA STOP! MATTHEW Isn’t this what you want?

The onstage Lena starts picking up her discarded clothes.

LENA Get off me.

The onstage Lena starts picking up her discarded clothes.

Matthew continues to hump the doll as we suddenly become aware of Michael. Has he been frozen midwalk this whole time? He is moving towards the cardboard cutout of Xander. When Michael reaches the cut-out he begins to destroy it using every part of his being: his hands, his feet, his head, whatever.

LENA Where the fuck is my shirt? ... ... ...

It’s like I wasn’t even there.

Matthew continues to hump the doll as we suddenly become aware of Michael. Has he been frozen midwalk this whole time? He is moving towards the cardboard cutout of Xander. When Michael reaches the cut-out he begins to destroy it using every part of his being: his hands, his feet, his head, whatever.

MATTHEW What?

You were obviously there.

Stop. I was just I I was trying to give it to you how you wanted it.

I can tell u liked it.

It’s in your eyes.

Every time you look at me I see it.

It’s there.

Like a secret you’re trying to whisper.

LENA You’re so fucked.

MATTHEW Where are you going?

LENA Home.

MATTHEW What did I do wrong?

LENA Everything.

Lena begins to exit, singing the next line to herself as she leaves.

MATTHEW You’re a fucking— Singing that song?

You came in here and ...

I— I just wanted to make some music!

Lena begins to exit, singing the next line to herself as she leaves.

XANDER Better hide well, Because he he he’s not looking to kill.

Michael stands amid tiny pieces of Xander

Michael stands amid tiny pieces of Xander and looks from them to the Xander that stands onstage singing.

He begins to walk off stage faintly singing the next line as well.

Xander and Matthew are onstage alone now.

Xander regards Matthew, still humping the doll.

and looks from them to the Xander that stands onstage singing. He begins to walk off stage faintly singing the next line as well.

XANDER Better hide well, Because he he he’s not looking to kill.

Xander and Matthew are onstage alone now.

Xander regards Matthew, still humping the doll.

XANDER Quiet version quiet stay low stay still Quiet version quiet stay low stay still.

He he he he’s a dragon

Who who who who? Oh. He he he he’s a dragon.

Who who who who? Oh. He he he he’s a dragon.

Matthew comes. He slowly humps the blow up doll as he says: Matthew comes. He slowly humps the blow up doll as he says:

MATTHEW I’m a dragon.

I’m a dragon.

I’m a dragon.

XANDER I’m sorry I left.

MATTHEW Did you like my song?

XANDER Matt.

Xander walks over and grabs Matt by his elbow.

He pulls him up to his feet.

MATTHEW Did you like my song?

Xander walks over and grabs Matt by his elbow.

He pulls him up to his feet.

MATTHEW I wrote.

I called.

I— You disappeared.

And it was just me.

Now. Fuck.

I mean?

What the fuck was that.

Why did I think— What’s wrong with me?

XANDER I’m sorry.

... ... ...

MATTHEW Is that it?

Sorry?

XANDER I/want— INTERNETZ Warning adult content...

If you/are over 18 press select.

MATTHEW Shut up!

SHUT THE FUCK UP! How do you make it shut up?

XANDER You can’t.

It’s apartof thearchitecture.

It’s the base boards, the foundation.

Matt it’s not...

Nothing’s wrong with you.

You’re not defective.

You’re just— You’re learning.

And I’m sorry. no fuck that. no MATTHEW Fuck what?

XANDER Fuck being sorry.

It wasn’t.

It’s fuck her.

You know?

All of it.

I mean/she’s the

INTERNETZ OMG Did you hear about @XanderXyst? RT BREAKING NEWS: Porn actor Xander Xyst found on a Malibu Beach.

Is @XanderXyst gonna be alright? #Pray4Xander Can someone explain to me what’s going on with the @XanderXyst hate crime? Why are ppl saying this is a hate crime? #Justice4Xander #Pray4Xander MATTHEW Why are people— Hate crime?

What?

XANDER I did something bad tonight too.

MATTHEW What did you do?

XANDER I fucked up.

MATTHEW How? INTERNETZ Fuck @XanderXyst.

Why is this Xander Xyst thing even a story?

Where’s the real news?

Isn’t there a war going on?

All these people crying over this lame porn star...

GET A LIFE. XANDER XYST IS A GOD. #PRAY4XANDER

FUCK THE HATERS. #JUSTICE4XANDER

XANDER I forgot that this is only my part-time residence.

And that dragons don’t exist.

I’m fucked up too.

MATTHEW Are you alright?

XANDER Probably.

MATTHEW Xander— Fuck...

Why am/I?

XANDER It’s fine.

MATTHEW But it’s not your name...

XANDER I like it.

It suits me better.

MATTHEW Ok. Xander.

I’ll come visit.

XANDER I’d like that.

MATTHEW ... ...

XANDER I like your song.

MATTHEW You do?

XANDER It’s beautiful ...It reminds me of/of that INTERNETZ THE XANDER XYST EXPERIENCE...

Warning Adult Content...

END OF PLAY

END OF PLAY

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Playwriting: Jeremy O. Harris Introduction: Marston-Firmino, Amauta Photography: Matthew Leifheit Farah Al Qasimi Walker Olesen Graphic design: Muxi Gao Yale Cabaret March 2017