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Blood on my Hands, Georgia on My Mind

The Weenis Principal

The Ugly Girls have Spoken, Now Let’s Hear What The Pretty Girls have to Say

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The Unbearable Dineness Of Eating

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Middle Tooth (Eating Tooth)

The Patriarchy of Peepers

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Homegrown Cologne

If You Bring me a Dozen, I’ll Ring up My Cousin

The Illegal Chapsman: Rough Chaps for All Seasons

Copyright Š 2011 by Jeff Pastorek Book of the of one hundred series Published by Flopmoore Books

A Member of the Flatterhouse Publishing Group

Edition of 100, number


conceived created

All rights reserved. Unreproduceable. Flopmoore one.

Quick! Pretend Like You’re Reading!

Table of Contents Ch. 1 - Don’t Look Up from the Book! Tools to keep your eyes intensely focused on the pages of the book like you’re really interested! Ch. 2 - Slowly Move Your Eyes Across the Page: Your eyes are lazers that push dust from the left to the center and, on the next page, from the center to the right, row by row. Ch. 3 - Don’t Turn the Pages too Fast, Be Believable! It’s not a race, relax your body like you’re watching TV! Ch. 4 - Convincing Diversions: Try smiling to yourself or maybe ask what a word means. Ch. 5 - Marking Your Place: Don’t forget to start in the same place that you left off. Always starting from the beginning of the book is a dead giveaway! Ch. 6 - For a Limited Time Only: No one genuinely likes to read, after a half hour turn on the TV; otherwise everyone will assume that you are not really reading.

dedication page

Don’t Look Up from the Book!

Chapter 1


Don’t Look Up from the Book!


Quick! Pretend Like You’re Reading!

It seems like you see books just about everywhere these days.

Don’t Look Up from the Book!

And everyone is always so eager to share their personal library.



Quick! Pretend Like You’re Reading!

But, reading books isn’t for everyone.

Don’t Look Up from the Book!


In fact, most very young people choose not to read much at all.


Quick! Pretend Like You’re Reading!

Here’s a list of some reasons that I don’t like to read books:

1. boring;

2. need glasses to do it (nerd);

3. paper cuts;

4. heavy;

5. hard to do while listening to music;

6. don’t get what they’re talking about;

7. TV;

8. all of them are about old stuff;

9. some are in other languages;

10. none of them are about me;

11. can’t do it while you are eating;

12. there might be boogers in them;

13. James Joyce (I just don’t get it. Please stop trying to explain it to me).

Don’t Look Up from the Book!


Nonetheless, one cannot deny that many helpful books are available to the inquisitive reader.


Quick! Pretend Like You’re Reading!

Hey, what do you think is the biggest book ever written? No, not St. Peter’s ledger at the Pearly Gates. There aren’t that many names in that book because heaven is exclusive. Plus, that book is magic so it doesn’t even have to be that big. Actually many oversized texts have vied for the title of largest book, including John James Audubon’s Elephant Folio, the Kleneke Atlas, and the Kuthodaw Pagoda, but embracing a single work as the “largest book” makes one question the very definition of what a “book” is. I think the biggest paper you can get is legal size, so I bet they’re all around 8.5 x 14 inches.

Don’t Look Up from the Book!


Anyway, now that you’re holding a book, let’s see what you can do with it. Start by staring at these eyes:

You looked away. Ok, finish reading this sentence. Now look at the eyes again, and don’t look away for 45 minutes. This will help your reading stamina immensely. Ready, go. Ok, if you couldn’t make it the full 45, I understand. Read this sentence, please? Thanks. Now try staring at these skulls. Skulls are really cool, like eyes used to be. Skulls are the windows to the brain and the eyes are in the windows.


Quick! Pretend Like You’re Reading!

. . . And other pages with jokes and drawings . . .

Quick! Pretend Like You're Reading!  

How to teach yourself to make it appear as though you're reading to impress your friends.

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