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Final Draft 8 Demo SCRIPT TITLE

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Final Draft 8 Demo

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INT. LARRY’S KITCHEN - DAY Larry is on the phone with MARTY FUNKHOUSER and he is pacing around the island. LARRY Hey Marty, what’s going on? Larry goes into his pantry, looks inside, but then closes the door disappointedly. MARTY (O.S.) NAN and I have decided to have a dinner-get together Thursday, and we want you to come.

Final Draft 8 Demo LARRY A Dinner party this Sunday? Yeah, I can do that. Larry nods his head. LARRY (CONT’D) Marty, you got my word. Larry hangs up the phone.

Final Draft 8 Demo

INT. GROCERY STORE - NIGHT

Larry is pushing his cart down the isle in one direction while Jeff and Susie are pushing a cart towards him. They become within feet and nearly hit head on. LARRY Ohh, hey sorry. SUSIE Driving like an asshole, Larry. LARRY Take it easy, you know these things can get momentum.

Final Draft 8 Demo JEFF You stocking up on that fiber cereal?

LARRY Among other things. Are you guys going to the Funkhouser’s on Sunday for dinner?


2.

Yep.

JEFF

SUSIE What’s your kindness of choice? LARRY My kindness of choice? Larry looks to Jeff confused. SUSIE They didn’t call you back?

Final Draft 8 Demo LARRY No? What the hell is going on? JEFF They wanted to spice the dinner up a little bit, so they called back and made it a theme party. LARRY Are you kidding? What’s the theme? SUSIE We’re all making little slide shows on how to make the world a better place this year. An official New year’s resolution party.

Final Draft 8 Demo LARRY I don’t believe this. They rope you in with dinner and tack on the theme after you commit? SUSIE Stop acting like contributing to the world is a bad thing, Larry. JEFF We’re adopting a child. But the fun way, we’re not just giving money, he’s going to have christmas every month.

Final Draft 8 Demo SUSIE She. She’s gonna have christmas. LARRY Alright, well now that I have homework to do, I had better get going. Plus I gotta get this damn cart back up to speed.


3. Larry redirects his cart and scurries away. INT. FUNKHOUSER’S LIVING ROOM - SUNDAY NIGHT The Funkhousers, Greens, DANSONS, and Larry are in the living room. There is a projector hooked up and a semi-circle of seating around it with the couples sitting down. The Funkhousers are standing in the front. NAN Thank you all so much for coming to what will hopefully be an annual event.

Final Draft 8 Demo Susie and Mrs. Danson applaud quickly and quietly while smiling. MARTY Nan and I will start off. Marty looks to the screen and presses a button on the computer. The first slide reads MISSION TRIP: CHILAPA Veracruz, MEXICO MARTY (CONT’D) We have decided to go on a mission trip to Mexico with a group of other couples from around the world.

Final Draft 8 Demo NAN In Mid April, we are going to the rainforest of Veracruz to roof houses and cement floors. JEFF Look out for the runs! LARRY You got that right.

Final Draft 8 Demo

INT. FUNKHOUSER’S LIVING ROOM

The couple’s are returning to the living room with dessert plates in hand. The Greenes remain standing while the others take their seats, Larry is in the bathroom. SUSIE Jeff and I have decided to adopt a young girl from Africa.


4.

Boy.

JEFF

SUSIE What? shut your mouth Jeff, we talked about this. We agreed on the girl. JEFF But I already went out and bought a basketball and sneakers.

Final Draft 8 Demo

Larry Enters the living room noticeably late and takes a seat. Jeff pulls out a box of Air Jordans. A moment after, A new slide appears with a young girl who is clearly blind, sitting on the ground. Larry is stuffing his mouth with pie. LARRY You’ve enrolled Helen Keller in a pickup game of basketball? SUSIE No one’s playing basketball. You’re worthless Larry, I can’t wait till you get up here and present. As I was saying, we’re adopting a blind girl from Africa. Our first gift will be an ipod so she can listen to music, followed by many more gifts.

Final Draft 8 Demo JEFF And if any of the men want to help me adopt a boy, I’m in for that too. LARRY Get that kid in the NBA, we’re talking long term investments here. Exactly!

JEFF

Final Draft 8 Demo SUSIE No absolutely not. You two obviously haven’t learned anything from this party. Shame on you.

CUT TO:


5.

Larry is standing in front of the couple’s and clicks the first slide. It’s a picture of a hobo. LARRY Lady’s and gentleman, I have found the solution to Panhandlers. The couple’s have a puzzled look on their faces. LARRY (CONT’D) I plan to super glue half dollars to the sidewalk, throughout the city. Every Bum in the city will be trying to pull these off the ground instead of begging for them from us.

Final Draft 8 Demo Bingo.

JEFF

TED Problem solved. Both of their disgruntled wives nudge the men.

Final Draft 8 Demo SUSIE See this is why you can’t invite him to these kinds of things. You’re lack of maturity disgusts me.

LARRY I resent that! This will keep them from bugging us, and give them hope for profit in the future. Plus...if they do manage to peel it off the sidewalk, they’ll be able to say that they’ve earned it. NAN Larry you’re done. As lead council member of this new found group, I say we can’t support this.

Final Draft 8 Demo SUSIE Larry get out of the living room, shut up, and don’t speak unless spoken to.


6. Larry over to the couch and takes a seat. The Dansons stand up and deliver there presentation. CUT TO: MONTAGE: A SERIES OF BACK AND FORTH PICTURES BETWEEN LARRY BECOMING INCREASINGLY FRUSTERATED WITH THE COUCH ARMREST COVERS AND THE DANSONS TALKING ABOUT THEIR NEW YEARS CHARITY. Larry Eventually takes the armrest cover off and sets it on the floor.

Final Draft 8 Demo TED ...And essentially, this main valve will be able to deliver water to over 30 communities in the Andes MountaiMARTY Excuse me Larry what are you doing?

Larry is lifting his hand off the ground, form where he placed the armrest cover. MARTY (CONT’D) That’s not where that belongs.

Final Draft 8 Demo LARRY Everybody out to get me tonight?

SUSIE Maybe if you weren’t out to get the homeless! LARRY Honestly Marty, my elbow can’t get a decent grip on the couch, and quite frankly, I’ve lost all stability over here. NAN Well Larry, we’re asking you to place the arm rest cover back on to keep the integrity of the couch.

Final Draft 8 Demo LARRY Let me ask you this. How dirty do you think people’s elbows are? Because I think there one of the cleanest parts of the wardrobe. They’re certainly not sweating.


7. SUSIE What are you eleven? You’re planning on playing with glue, you can’t sit on a couch for six minutes. Good grief Larry. EXT. STREET - NIGHT Larry gets out of his car with a half dollar in his hand, he looks at a particular side, bends down, and sticks it to the ground. He gets back in his car and drives away.

Final Draft 8 Demo

INT. LARRY’S HOUSE - NIGHT Larry and Leon are in the foyer. Leon is eating some carryout Chinese food as Larry watches. LEON So when you goin’ in for this insertion Larry? LARRY Ya know, I like to think of it more as an operation, rather than an insertion.

Final Draft 8 Demo LEON They gonna use a knife? LARRY I hope not. LEON Any chance of getting out of this? LARRY Why would I want to get out of it? LEON Larry, they about to shove all sorts of foreign shit up your ass and you’re asking why you’d want to get out of it?

Final Draft 8 Demo LARRY This is going to save my life Leon, don’t act like you could go on without me. Leon thinks for a moment.


8. LEON I know, you’re right Larry. Which is exactly why I’m going too. I’m gonna get this shit done myself. Larry looks confused. LEON (CONT’D) Don’t act like you can go on livin without me either LD. Plus I’ve felt a little baked up lately.

Final Draft 8 Demo

EXT. STREET - MORNING

Larry, Susie, and Jeff are walking down the sidewalk on their way to lunch. After a few seconds, Susie notices a hobo trying to pick up a half dollar off the ground. At the same time, Larry nudges Jeff and points to the hobo. SUSIE Larry I’m reconsidering our friendship. LARRY Well there’s not much to reconsider.

Final Draft 8 Demo SUSIE Of all the stupid shit you do, this could be one of the most pathetic. I can’t believe you went through with this. LARRY I think you’re under appreciating my act. Larry looks to Jeff for a sense of reassurance and Jeff puts his hands up in innocence. LARRY (CONT’D) If that coin wasn’t there, he’d be harassing you for that half dollar.

Final Draft 8 Demo Susie glares at Larry. LARRY (CONT’D) You see, we were really just objects in the way of the coins. I’ve now given him direct contact with the change.


9. JEFF No one likes a middle man. Exactly.

LARRY

SUSIE Larry! Give him some change out of your pocket! LARRY That’s preposterous. That would negate all of my hard work this past week.

Final Draft 8 Demo SUSIE Larry Take out some fucking change! I know you have some, I heard it jingling the whole fucking walk here! Larry shakes his head. Susie then takes a few quick steps toward him and goes to reach in his pocket and they struggle for a few moments. LARRY Okay, Okay.

Final Draft 8 Demo

Larry walks over to the hobo and gives him a few quarters from his pocket. EXT. STREET - DAY Larry says good bye to Susie and Jeff as they head for their cars in opposite direction. A block or two down, Larry finally gets to his car and notices a traffic cop by his wind shield. LARRY Hello officer, before you write anything down, I’m leaving.

Final Draft 8 Demo METER ATTENDANT I’ve already started filling out the form. LARRY Lets not make any rash decisions here.


10. METER ATTENDANT I’ll give you a minute to get me some change, or I’m gonna have to tow you, city laws. Larry reaches into his pocket and remembers Susie made him give away all his change. LARRY You probably get this a lot, but I just gave my last quarters to a homeless man.

Final Draft 8 Demo METER ATTENTDANT Did he have one of these yellow vests on?

Larry looks over down the sidewalk and sees one of the coins he glued to the ground with a homeless man grabbing at it. CUT TO: EXT. STREET - MOMENTS LATER LARRY runs over to the hobo, pushes him over, and starts desperately prying away at it screaming while the cop signals a backing up tow truck.

Final Draft 8 Demo

INT. DOCTOR’S OFFICE - AFTERNOON Larry walks into the office looking sweaty, tired and angry. He walks up to the sliding window and the secretary, Janice is there. LARRY Hi, Larry David. I’m here for the colonoscopy. JANICE You’re late Mr. David, The Doctor might be on Lunch, wait one moment please.

Final Draft 8 Demo Larry is fed up and the secretary disappears for a few seconds but then comes back with the doctor. Larry is leaning disgruntled on the counter. INT. PATIENT ROOM - MINUTES LATER Larry is laying down on the bed in nothing but a hospital gown.


11. DOCTOR So I show up late once and you feel you’re entitled to be late once? LARRY My car got towed, sorry I'm late. I guess we can call it square though huh? DOCTOR Ehhhh, not really.

Final Draft 8 Demo LARRY What do you mean, not really?

DOCTOR Larry I made you wait for a few minutes naked...you made a big deal out of it, you’re making me look at your Anus minutes before eating my most cherished meal of the day. Larry looks disgusted. LARRY You’re right, we are not even. I know better than to argue with someone before they’re about to drug me and then turn me sideways.

Final Draft 8 Demo INT. PATIENT ROOM - LATER Larry is slowly wakes up and sits up slowly. He wiggles around to get some movement on his butt. He has a funny look on his face. He thinks for a second and then slowly reaches his hand under his butt and slowly pulls his hand back out. He looks at his fingers. He starts breathing frantically. LARRY That can’t be good.

Final Draft 8 Demo

Larry pokes his head out of the room and looks down the hall towards Janice’s desk. LARRY (CONT’D) Excuse me, Janice! JANICE Yes Mr. David?


12. LARRY Can you find the doctor? I have a couple questions for him. JANICE He wanted me to let you know he went to lunch. He didn’t expect you to wake up for another couple minutes. I guess they went light on the drugs, the tend to do that with patients over 60.

Final Draft 8 Demo

Larry puts his hadn on his head. He thinks for a few seconds but then sneaks out of the room and wanders down the hall, in his gown, away from Janice. He opens a few doors and finally opens the lunch room door. INT. LUNCH ROOM - MOMENTS LATER The Doctor is sitting by himself eating a bowl of cereal. He looks over at Larry half naked in the hospital gown and looks surprised. LARRY Sorry to bother you on lunch Doc, but I have an issue. I noticed shortly after I woke up that I have some bleeding down there, I didn’t think it was normal. And I gotta be honest, it’s freaking me out.

Final Draft 8 Demo The doctor loses eye contact with Larry as he continues to eat his cereal. LARRY (CONT’D) Doc help me out here! My ass is bleeLarry looks over at the cereal box and notices he’s eating the high fiber cereal from Jeff’s house.

Final Draft 8 Demo LARRY (CONT’D) Oh, I know what this is. Don’t make me wait here till you’re done.

The doctor nods his head. LARRY (CONT’D) And I know how easy it is to go to bowl #2, so don’t even think about it. Oh, and while you’re sitting there eating, I got beef with one of your patients. (MORE)


13. LARRY (CONT’D) A guy named Frank...He’s filling out crosswords. It bothers me a little nit, but since the crosswords had your name on it, I figured you’d take it a little more personally. The doctor continues to eat. LARRY (CONT’D) You know, with all the waiting we’ve been doing lately, it wouldn’t be a bad thing to confront him about.

Final Draft 8 Demo The P.A. Sounds in the lunch room. P.A. Doctor Andrews to E.R. Doctor Andrews to E.R. Four-one-five. Four...one...five. The Doctor sticks his index finer to signal “one minute” to Larry. He grabs his bowl of cereal off the table, takes another bite, and leaves the room chewing. Larry is shaking with anger. He looks around the lunch room for a moment, and then grabs the remaining cereal box off the lunch table and exits the room.

Final Draft 8 Demo

Cue Music Fade to Black

Final Draft 8 Demo

Curb your enthusiasm spec script Part 2  

PART 2 - colonoscopy and charity party

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