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HOLIDAY 2005 NEWSLETTER

Tis

the season to

swirl& twirl with

Kat

Civil rights pioneer Rosa Parks, 92, dies early 50 years ago, Rosa Parks made a simple decision that sparked a revolution. When a white man demanded she give up her seat on a Montgomery, Ala., bus, the then 42-year-old seamstress said no. At the time, she couldn’t have known it would secure her a revered place in American history. But her one small act of defiance galvanized a generation of activists, includRosa ing a young Rev. Parks Martin Luther King Jr., and earned her the title “mother of the civil rights movement.” Mrs. Parks died in late October at her home of natural causes, with close friends by her side. She was 92. Monique Reynolds, 37, a native of Montgomery, Ala., called Mrs. Parks an inspiration who had lived to see the changes brought about by the civil rights movement. “Martin Luther King never saw this, Malcolm X never saw this,” said Reynolds. “She was able to see this and enjoy it.” In 1955, Jim Crow laws in place since the post-Civil War

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Reconstruction required separation of the races in buses, restaurants and public accommodations throughout the South, while legally sanctioned racial discrimination kept blacks out of many jobs and neighborhoods in the North. Mrs. Parks, an active member of the local chapter of the National Association for the Advancement of Colored People, was riding on a city bus Dec. 1, 1955, when a white man demanded her seat. She refused, despite rules requiring blacks to yield their seats to whites. Two black Montgomery women had been arrested earlier that year on the same charge, but Mrs. Parks was jailed and fined $14. U.S. Rep John Conyers, in whose office Mrs. Parks worked for more than 20 years, remembered the civil rights leader as someone whose impact on the world was immeasurable, but who never sought the limelight. “Everybody wanted to explain Rosa Parks and wanted to teach Rosa Parks, but Rosa Parks wasn’t very

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With thanks and great respect, we honor Rosa Parks and all that she inspired. interested in that,” he said. “She wanted them to understand the government and to understand their rights and the Constitution that people are still trying to perfect today.” Detroit Mayor Kwame Kilpatrick said he felt a personal tie to the civil rights icon: “She stood up by sitting down. I’m only standing here because of her.” Speaking in 1992, Mrs. Parks said history too often maintains “that my feet were hurting and I didn’t know why I refused to stand up when they told me. But . . . I felt that I had a right to be treated as any other passenger. We had endured that

kind of treatment for too long.” Her arrest triggered a 381day boycott of the bus system organized by a then littleknown Baptist minister, the Rev. King, who later earned the Nobel Peace Prize. The Montgomery bus boycott, which came one year after the Supreme Court’s declaration that separate schools for blacks and whites were “inherently unequal,” marked the start of the modern civil rights movement. The movement culminated in the 1964 federal Civil Rights Act, which banned racial discrimination in public accommodations. — Associated Press

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Getting on with it . . . Editor’s Note: Part I of this article appeared in the printed version of the Halloween newsletter. If you did not receive this or the response by Kane, please email me and I will make sure you get a hard copy.

Not long after the spring morning of Dark Star, I sat in a further depressed state with Haley who was attempting to challenge my thought process and help me cope with that morning’s events. Her first question was, “When a problem arises, do you communicate with the person involved or delete them from your life discussing the problem to exhausting detail with everyone else?” She then began a series of questions that I have referenced more times than “Steel Magnolias.” Take a minute and think about how you would answer these. “Do you know how to empathize? Do you know what that means?” “Are you currently employed at a position that

MO’S COLUMN offers health benefits?” “Do you remember having a job? And do you have the desire to get another one?” “Currently, where are the friends you made 5 years ago?” “Do you hug less than you used to?” “How many smiles do you see around you? How many of your closest friends have drifted away to an acquaintance or awkward avoidance stage?” She offered a baby step for me to practice: “Start your sentences with ‘I can’, ‘I have’ or ‘I will’. Enjoy and appreciate what you have and do not dwell on what you want. Release the material attachment to what you do not own. Thank those who are still in your life. Attempt regular get togethers without having to spend money and arrive with no advance expectations

of generosity.” As the years pass, and Haley overcomes her own personal traumas regarding her choice in men that still require raising, while raising her own beautiful children, she has never given up on me. She may hibernate for short spells to keep herself on a responsible path, but her commitment, her love and her over-analytical obsessiveness to why people react the way they do, is demonstrated in the way she protects. And, like Claudia, Haley “mothers” those she cares the most for. Haley, I am blessed to have a friend like you who cares enough to try to keep Jeffrey and I on the path of communication and happiness. I wish you the best during your divorce and, with all my heart, I thank you. I love you. And please never give up. I wish you all good health, achievable goals and a return to the happiness we cherished in the summer of 2001.

Karma takes a vacation and rewards pathetic human being

Please send your holiday wishes to: Mark Abernathy Bright Star Entertainment (312) 494-2625 Tom Furth, listed in the Book of Dark Star as CW1, a government cooperating witness (which means narc), has just signed a deal to write an autobiographical book. Additionally, Bright Star Entertainment (how do you like that one?) announced that Furth and his sons have signed with a prominent film producer to develop a movie about their lives. Bright Star’s press release describes Furth’s story of “redemption, success, adherence to principles” and trumpets his alleged “loyalty to character, integrity and the truth” despite his disbarrment.

HOLIDAY 2005 NEWSLETTER


Really deep shit Right and Wrong There’s nothing “wrong” with anything. “Wrong” is a relative term, indicating the opposite of that which you call “right.” Yet, what is “right”? Can you be truly objective in these matters? Or are “right” and “wrong” simply descriptions overlaid on events and circumstances by you, out of your decision about them? And what, pray tell, forms the basis of your decision? Your own experience? No. In most cases, you’ve chosen to accept someone else’s decision. Someone who came before you and, presumably, knows better. Very few of your daily decisions about what is “right” and “wrong” are being made by you, based on your understanding. This is especially true on important matters. In fact, the more important the matter, the less you are likely to listen to your own experience, and the more ready you seem to be to make someone else’s ideas your own. This explains why you’ve given up virtually total control over certain areas of your life, and certain questions that arise within the human experience. These areas and questions very often include the subjects most vital for your soul: the nature of God; the nature of true morality; the question of ultimate reality; the issues of life and death surrounding war, medicine, abortion euthanasia, the whole sum and substance of personal values, structures, judgments. These most of you have abrogated, assigned to others. You don’t want to make your own decisions about them. “Someone else decide! I’ll go along, I’ll go along!” you shout. “Someone else just tell me what’s right and wrong!” This is why, by the way, human religions are so popular. It almost doesn’t matter what the belief system is, as long as it’s firm, consistent, clear in its expectation of the follower and rigid. Given those characteristics, you can find people who will believe in almost anything. The strangest behavior and belief can be — has been — attributed to God. It’s

“Without differences there could be no choice. Without choice there is no freewill. Without freewill, freedom cannot exist.” — Miss Cha-Cha God’s way, they say. God’s word. And there are those who will accept that. Gladly. Because, you see, it eliminates the need to think.

Urinal Confessions Sum Yung Guy: The first time I ever ejaculated from masturbation was at a counter in a Chinese takeaway. It was a high counter and the food wasn’t ready yet. The woman serving sat down and I was left standing there. Being the randy teenager I was, I started feeling myself, safe in the knowledge that she wouldn’t see me. The next thing I knew, this uncontrollable feeling was overwhelming me! I just remember the sheer look of horror on my face and the woman looking up when the semen splattered on the stone floor. Luckily I didn’t get caught and I have not looked back since! But it was cleaner than the toilet: I pooped in the sink. I had to mash it down with a fork.

During Hurricane Wilma We are now residing in the back annex of the house with our gasoline generator running outside. We have a small window AC, a refrigerator, lamps, a laptop to watch DVDs and phone chargers. Lori had pernicious flatulence due to overeating of fruit salad with mango juice and we almost died of methane induced asphyxia. HOLIDAY 2005 NEWSLETTER

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SPIRITUAL NEWS

Vatican tells gays no room at our inns A recently released Vatican document says practicing gays, those with “deeply rooted” homosexual tendencies or those who support gay culture cannot be admitted to the priesthood. Any candidate with “passing” homosexual tendencies that were never acted on must have overcome them for at least three years for them to be ordained, a conservative daily, Il Giornale, reported. It said the eight-page document from the Vatican’s Congregation for Catholic Education would be made public Nov. 29. Il Giornale said it had seen the document and provided full quotes in its report. Previous reports have cited only sources familiar with the document and provided only partial citations from the text. “The church cannot admit to the priesthood those who practice homosexuality, present deeply rooted homosexual

tendencies or who support the so-called “gay culture,” the newspaper said, citing the document. Such men cannot be priests because they live in a situation that represents an “obstacle to a correct relationship with men and women,” the newspaper said. Bishops, spiritual directors of seminaries and superiors of religious orders have the responsibility to discern candidates’”emotional maturity” to determine if they are suitable for the priesthood and should bar them if there is any “serious doubt,” it said. That includes verifying that the candidate practices celibacy and has no “sexual disturbances that are incompatible with the priesthood.” “Those tendencies that might be just an expression of a passing problem, such as from adolescence that hasn’t been acted on, must be clearly overcome at least three years before ordination as a deacon,” the document says, according to Il Giornale. The document stresses that homosexuals should be treated with respect and that all forms of discrimination concerning them should be avoided, the newspaper said. — Associated Press

HOLIDAY REMINDER Don’t forget those you know who were on Santa’s naughty list this year. You can spread holiday cheer with a U.S. Post Office money order! Ted Fleming #54933060, 2240 Hubbard Road NEOCC (Northeast Ohio Correctional Center)

Youngstown, OH 44505 PAGE 4

Christmas Trivia • In America, Santa visits each house to fill stockings with trinkets. In other countries, the gifts are hidden in the children’s shoes. When Mother was in St. Petersburg, Florida, he would often find little gifts in his shoes. Floridiots call them palmetto bugs. We call them roaches. And they can fly faster than Rudolph. • In many cultures, the twelfth month of the year gets its name from the winter solstice, which occurs this year on December 21st, Kane’s birthday. • On each of the eight nights of Hanukkah, the candles are placed in the menorah from right to left (the same way the Hebrew language is written), but they are lit, starting with that night’s candle, from left to right.

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Waco, Texas pastor performing a baptism was electrocuted inside his church recently when he adjusted a microphone while standing in water. Reverend Kyle Lake, 33, was stepping into the baptistery as he reached out for the microphone, which produced an electric shock. Water in a baptistery usually reaches above the waist. Lake was pronounced dead at Hillcrest Baptist Medical Center. The woman being baptized apparently had not stepped into the water and was not seriously injured. Pastors at University Baptist Church routinely use a microphone during baptisms, said Jamie Dudley, business administrator at the church. — Associated Press HOLIDAY 2005 NEWSLETTER


BIRTHDAYS & MORE December 3 Jason “Cookie” Cook December 5 Rick Corder December 10 Joe “Asian Princess” Watson December 14 “Jesus” Josh December 20 Jeffrey Thomas December 21 Eric Drake December 24 Jason Trosper December 29 Tony Seta January 6 Mother & Dysco’s Snow Day 4th Anniversary January 8 Stefan Heston January 13 Dustin “Dysco Deeva” Hartsock January 26 Micheal Higgins Januray 27 Aaron Walters January 31 Christopher “Mo” Ludlow Dante February 3 John Hendricks Ryan Beasley February 12 Tony Vanegas February 18 Marco February 26 Riad Amid February 27 Jody McRanie March 2 Daniel Matheuws March 6 Eric Dunn Brian Nedd March 11 Brent Stevenson March 19 Jimmy Jo Justin Fox

HOLIDAY 2005 NEWSLETTER

Christian dating tips ttention all devout, male followers of the Christian faith! If you are looking for that special someone, you no doubt are looking for a woman who will serve you and who loves the Lord as much as you do. You are looking for a woman who has kept herself pure for her future husband and for the Lord Jesus Christ. You are looking for a woman who knows how to cook and sew, a woman who can keep house. You are looking for a woman who will not squander your income or lean toward gossip. You are looking for a woman who will submit and obey. Here are some tips for a successful woman hunt:

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1. COMB YOUR HAIR Head lice are very common among Christian men, especially Pentecostals. Although it is a normal and natural blessing from God to have head lice, you should certainly wash your hair before your date if only for the reason to avoid the temptation of putting your arm around the young lady while lifting to scratch your head. 2. PRAY Spend the day before your date with at least 6-hours of solitary prayer in a prayer-closet or a confined area. Ask the Lord to guide your words and actions. Ask Jesus to help you control your lust and pray that you will have a nightly emission before the date, thus making it easier for your carnal mind to operate on a level that is strictly spiritual. Do not masturbate in your prayer-closet unless you are thinking about Jesus. 3. PURCHASE A RING Visit a jewelry store and purchase a diamond ring. For the Christian man, every date is a potential mate. If she is the right gal, you will want to pop the question as soon as possible. It is always handy to have the engagement ring available. 4. RECITE VERSES When you are on the date, use awkward moments of silence to quote scripture, or sing a favorite hymn. All women are impressed with such things. If she is not woo’d by this, it is a sign that she might be possessed by a demon. Take her to your church and drop her off by the back gate with a note to the pastor taped to her forehead. Be sure to secure her to a tree or post using chains or rope so that she won’t get away during the night. 5. SPRUCE UP! Wear Christian cologne. The only Christian cologne available is “Betty

A WOMAN’S PRAYER Dear Lord, I pray for wisdom to understand a man and to love and to forgive him. And I pray for patience, dear Lord, because if I pray for strength, I’ll just beat him to death.

Amen! Bowers’ The Essence Of Christian Men.” If you do not have any Christian cologne, rub your face in a Bible until you smell like the pages. 6. TAKE HER TO VISIT GOD The best place for a first date is church. Oh, how impressed your sweetheart will be when she finds out you are taking her to Sunday evening services! Then, a romantic dinner at Denny’s! 7. PRACTICE YOUR LINES Some Christian phrases that will help you “woo” the lesser sex are, “I’m almost as crazy about you as I am about Jesus,” “Your long hair is the glory of your humility (I Corinthians 11: 11-15),” and “God broke the mold when he made your sweet face.” 8. SQUELCH YOUR PASSION If you have not had a nightly emission before your date, make certain that you take extra precaution. Use an ace bandage or knitting yarn to tie your penis back against your stomach or underneath your hiney. If you tuck instead of tie, make sure that the tip of your penis does not curl back far enough to enter the hole in your hiney where you go poopy out of - otherwise you might accidentally sodomize yourself and inadvertently become a homosexual. ••• Follow these dating tips for Christian men and you are sure to find a life partner that is suitable, submissive, and steadfast. PAGE 5


A Holiday Word From Mother Dear Precious Friends of Jesus, Another year has flown by and we are upon the greatest time of the year, Baby Jesus’ Birthday! This is my very favorite season and I have been instructed by The Lord to pass along a few of my favorite Holiday Tips and Salvation Stories. Please, feel free to implement any of these ideas into your own family traditions. When it comes to celebrating our Savior’s birth, you can do worse than a Crockett Christmas, but you can’t do better! The Hanging of the Greens at my home starts the season. On the Monday after Thanksgiving, BIG BOB’S CHRISTIAN TREE FARM usually arrives at 6:00 in the morning with his semi at our manse with the trees for the living room, sun room, family room, kitchen, bedrooms, foyer, and my favorite the flocked pink tree for my prayer room! And after the trees the hundreds of yards of fresh garland is unloaded for mantels, stairways, railings and for all of the exterior windows. Usually by 11:00 all of the greens are unloaded and Mr. Phillipe, the decorator works his magic with millions of lights, fresh fruit, assorted orchids, gardenias and poinsettias. I always put on my Vera Wang Holiday slip dress and pass out hot cider and homemade cinnamon rolls to the busy workers. By six that evening the house is ready for the Crockett Annual open house. For those of you fortunate to attend we will be having 9 Choirs of our own “Angels” singing various Holiday tunes throughout the home and gardens. These are a few suggestions that I always enjoy! Take turns roll playing the birth of Christ using a small child or pet - - then eat unleavened bread with lamb chunks marinated and broiled on toothpicks and oranges. Once the last guest has had their turn giving birth to the Messiah, it is time to provide each of your guests with a gift they will truly enjoy: gift wrapped boxes of gold, frank-

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incense and myrrh! Hostess Tip: Have your help dress up as “wise men” and pass these lovely boxes out to each guest. Hostess Tip: never wrap in silver paper; no one wants to think they are getting a baked potato for Christmas! Candles - - Signify that Christ is “the light of the world” and that you have that special touch when it comes to holiday decoration. Make sure your candles are all from France, as domestic candles burn unevenly and your guests will know the difference. 4 Sundays prior to Christmas, light one candle each Sunday, sing a song of praise and use the last “jah” in “hallelujah” to blow out the candle on the last Sunday! Then you will know it is Christmas! When all is said and done, let us not forget the very best part of the Season: Shopping for Christian Friends. Be be careful that you know where it is you are shopping. Satan has a few Holiday Traditions of his own. I remember last year when I stopped in a new gift shoppe, The Rainbow Magnolia, thinking it was a lovely Christian store just outside of town. Well, I went in and I

saw a sweet little tree all decorated with clear ornaments and in each one was a tiny red ribbon. Certain that these ornaments signified the Blood of Jesus I bought 200 of these to pass out as Secret pal gifts for the Sunday school class. Well, when I was about to pay for these ornaments the sales man said to me, “Mrs. Crockett, Words can not express the gratitude that the Aids Patients at St. Mary’s House , (A Cathylick HomoSexulal orgy group home!) will have knowing that Landover Baptist Church members are now supporting our cause.” YOUR CAUSE!!! I screamed. Why, I thought these were for Jesus not for FILTHY HOmo-SEXUALS!” I demanded my money back and I rebuked that swishy little man for trying to deceive me. “I will not support you! AIDS is Gods Curse to you people!” I took my purse and I swung it around and I destroyed every single one of SATANS Holiday Ornaments hat I could Before Tyrone, my driver came in and pulled me away. “You will pay for this lady!” the little Homo called after me! continued on next page . . .

HOLIDAY 2005 NEWSLETTER


Chuckie does his Christmas shopping at a friend’s house! like they were at a HOMO-SEXUAL Christmas party. We even set up a tree and used the those awful Sodomite ornaments that I had not destroyed to decorate that tree. Those queers put up a real fuss. But we drowned them out with sounds of Hell, and Christian Carols until the nativity was over and then, I walked to the stage and I pulled out my purse sized bull horn and I explained the mysterious set up that was adjacent to the Nativity. “Friends of Jesus, . . . from previous page what we have here is proof that SATAN is out to destroy baby Jesus Well, later that night was the annual First Night of the Live Nativity at the Birthday! We have arranged to this little “drama” to show you what the Church. The manger was to lit and filthy Homo-Sexuals are doing to take the show to start at seven when my the Christ out of Christmas.” And Christian Cell phone rings, “Sister about that time the fire of Hell that Taffy” Judy O’Christian said, “You we had piped in front of the queer best get on down to the Church right Christmas Scene were lit and the away we have a problem!” Well, I Party Scene of the Homo-sexuals was made my last little purchase at engulfed with flame. The crowd Neimans and I had Tyrone run me on cheered and the perverts were trying over to the Church. And do you know their best to get what I saw?. I out of there, but saw about 25 they could not Filthy Homoas they were Sexuals who handcuffed to had handcuffed the gate. And do themselves to you know what the main gate of happened next? the Church I will tell you. right beside Those Homowhere the Live Sexuals repentnativity was to ed right then be set up. Oh, I and there. was furious that Everyone of these minions those perverts of Satan had denounced their done such a “I’mKing Kingof of the “I’m evil lifestyle thing. Security Bi-Polar Express!” Express!” Bi-Polar choice and was already became there and Sister Christians. Judy was in Doesn’t God Work in mysterious tears over the entire matter. “Taffy, ways? What are we to do? The show starts Friends, this year those very men in less than one hour and these are have completed the Betty Bowers’ DEMONS are going to ruin B.A.S.H. program and will be the Christmas for everyone!” Not to be same ones who will now decorate my out done by this display of Sodomites, home for Christmas. They may be I called over security and I asked scarred with the flames of Hell, but them to go into the Church basement they are Saved. and bring up the old Displays from Merry Christmas to all who are the Hell House from the last season. Saved! To those unsaved who And we erected the set right in front Celebrate Christmas, please find of those men. Praise the Lord we still another holiday to ruin! Christmas is had the sign that read “GOD HATES for Christians! Not for YOU! FAGS” and all of the pink twinkling — Mother lights so we decorated them all up

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What’s so GAY about Christmas? W

hen you are sitting around the table, watching your family bicker, it’s hard to believe that Christmas is a very gay time of the year. After all, it is all about giving and receiving and a man coming down your chimney with a bright red sack! Here are five reasons why Christmas is queer. We worship a tree with a fairy on top of it. Those who forgo the fairy usually have a glittery star instead. Fabulous! Santa wouldn’t look out of place down at the Eagle during bear night. He’s big, hairy and likes it when you sit on his knee. You can spend all day watching Judy Garland films on cable. Enough said. Christmas legitimizes the gay national sport of shopping. What’s not to love about the pre-Christmas period of frenzied spending? The full-on horror of the heterosexual nuclear family. It’s hard to escape it, but there’s nothing more likely to turn someone gay than the enforced heterosexuality of a cozy family get-together. — Rainbow Network

HOLIDAY 2005 NEWSLETTER


HOLIDAY CHEER & SHOUT-OUTS s we start another new year, I want to congratulate Aaron Tate and Chris Groves on their new venture, Revolution Creative and to make sure you watch American Idol this season as Roy steals Clay Aiken’s tiara and becomes Columbus’ first winner. I also want to thank Mikey Weeks for a fantastic article in Outlook on Corbit Reynolds and never forgetting those who have passed. And don’t miss “The Wonderful World of Virginia West” at the Lifestyle Communities Pavilion (formerly PromoWest) Sunday, December 11th at 8 p.m. If you log off ManHunt only once this holiday season, “The Wonderful World of West” is a damn fine reason to do it. I wish you all a year full of happy new memories and not quite so many horrible reminders. — Christopher Ludlow

because of work. I do miss the ocean, but not the hurricanes. I hope this note finds all of you doing well and that you are being safe. Have a happy and safe holiday and new year. Love, and God bless all of you. — David “Thoey” Thobaben

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reetings from Tropical Miami! Love to say I miss Columbus, but that would be a big fat lie! I do however miss some of the people in Columbus. I’m just not sure which ones (wink). Hope everyone is well and that the New Year brings some clarity of mind and soul with it. And a special message to Kane: Lolly says “Let them eat cake!” — Lori Angus

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o 2005 has been a very eventful year, not all good, but not all bad. Some of you have witnessed my more memorable, not so pretty moments. All I can say is 2006 is a new year and there will be some changes for the better from me. Let’s hope the rest of you will have a similar plan. I do have an announcement that may shock you as it shocked the hell out of me. My “Going Through It” stage is ending and my “Getting It Done” stage will commence. So good luck to all of you in the year to come and I wish you the best. Merry Christmas and Happy New Year. — Sam Clark

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’m not sure who all I know on the mailing list besides Mr. Corder, Scot Martin and Chuck, but I’m sure I haven’t talked to you in ages. I’m living in L.A. now and things are spectacular. I hope all is well with all of you and please don’t be strangers. — Scott Markham

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his past year has been the biggest test of strength I’ve ever had. It is my hope that all of you have a safe, merry

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was the night before Christmas and all through the house not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse. Mom at the whore house, and Dad smoking grass. I had just settled down for a nice piece of ass. Then out on the lawn there arose such a clatter. I sprang from my piece to see what was the matter. Out on the lawn I saw a big dick. It was then that I knew it must be Saint Nick. He came down the chimney like a bat out of hell. At that very moment, I knew the fucker had fell. He filled our stocking with crystal and fear, plus a huge rubber dong for me, the big queer. He rose up the chimney with a thunderous fart. That son of a bitch blew my chimney apart. He yelled and he cursed as he rode out of sight, “Piss on you all and have a hell of a night!” Merry Christmas to all those around the world — in war, in love and in peace. And Merry Christmas to those that can not be with us due to life’s mishaps and dark stars. May you have the best Martha Party that twenty smokes can buy. Love from the boys. — Jeramy Hamilton & Jeremiah Cox

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Let it snow! Let it snow! Let it snow! and fierce holiday season. The times we shared remind me how much we all cared about each other, and it has been that thought, and the occassional communication that have helped me through some trying times this year. I love you guys, and hope that you are all safe and happy through the holidays and days to come. — Stefan Heston i from Orlando! It is Reverend Gay Dave (aka Thoey). I have moved again, but not because of the cold but

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Oh, you’d better not pout, better not cry, Better not bitch and I’ll tell you why. Mardi stuck a needle in his arm. He screams when he’s been sober. He squawks when he’s awake. He’ll whine if you won’t top, And then go muscle pop. Hey! He’ll be here in 10 minutes. He swears he’ll be on time. But he’s glued to online gambling, Where he won’t make a dime. Mardi stuck a needle in his arm. Oh, he had a plastic penis, With urine sparkling clean. He got busted using it And the cops became so mean. Mardi failed the test with his fake schlong. You’d better not deal. You’d better not steal. You’d better not cross, while cruising at the wheel. You’ll sit in jail with others or you’ll die. — Christopher

HOLIDAY 2005 NEWSLETTER


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awesome Madonna song I’m • Gift Idea For My sure most of us know. To my Husband That I Won’t Be shock these twinkies had no Getting: From the Biltmore idea what it was. I was horriEstate website (www.biltmoreestate.com), the Biltmore fied. What kind of world do we live in when gay boys Crystal Star is the ideal gift don’t know Madonna? We all for a Christmas/ Biltmore must take action against freak. “Remember the joys of this!” Right on, sister! the year with our Swarovski • The Pope Is A Hippie: In 2005 crystal ornament. light of the Vatican’s recent Attractively packaged in a official statement on gay royal blue box, the crystal priests, Pope Benedict XVI is star is an attractive gift or a great addition to your ornament collection.” • Confessions Of A Strict Mum: Madonna told Newsweek that she doesn’t let her children watch TV or look at magazines. She says milk and ice cream are also off-limits. “When Daddy gets home, they get chocolate,” Madonna said. “I’m the disciplinarian.” She’s also strict about laundry duties: If Lourdes leaves DJ Mike Cruz dirty clothes on the & Eddie Stone floor, “she wears the same outfit every day most definitely not a hippie. to school until she learns her More like a Republican. But lesson,” says Madonna. he did sound like a hippie • Get Into The Groove: recently when he reflected to Under the headline “Stupid Idiot Vacant Twinks” was this an audience on intelligent design: “In the beginning, letter published in an old XY there was the creative word. Magazine. I found it both In the beginning, the creative amusing and absolutely true. “The other night a travesty of word - this word that created everything and created this unimaginable proportions intelligent project that is the happened. The DJ put on cosmos - is also love.” Puff, “Dress You Up”, a classic and

Christmas gift ideas To come out to your parents othing says “I’m gay . . . now give me my presents” like an adult video called “Merry XXX-Mas”, Carson Kressley’s new children’s book “You’re Different And That’s Super,”, the fierce “Absolutely Fabulous Gay” DVD or the Jonathan Taylor Thomas classic, “I’ll Be Home For Christmas.”

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puff, give, motherf*&ker. • DJ XoPheR Update: Apparently, all that sunshine in Florida has brought out the dominant side in Chris. Everyone down south thinks of him as a “top”. But that’s not all. In addition to “letting Mike Cruz (“Movin’ Up” artist, remixer, DJ) f*&k me, I’ ve now added Eddie Stone (Falcon, Rascal video star) to my ‘famous people who’ve tagged X stable”, Chris writes. Notice how he referred to himself in the third person like a true star. Now you have to be famous to earn a notch on his bedpost. Oh, yeah, Chris also has two new fierce discs available, Hung and Luxurious. Hit one of us up for them. • History That Will Make You Giggle To Yourself: Archaeologists digging at the purported biblical home of Goliath have unearthed a shard of pottery bearing an inscription of the Philistine’s name, a find they claimed lends historical credence to the Bible’s tale of David’s battle with the giant.The shard dates back to around 950 B.C., within 70 years of when biblical chronology asserts David squared off against Goliath. (Associated Press) • And finally, I have now posted quite a few of my Photoshop masterpieces within my gallery at justusboys. com. You’ll need to register to see them larger than thumbnail size.There are some pieces you’ve never seen because we didn’t use them for one reason or another. Check out Jay Ray’s gallery. — Jeffrey Thomas HOLIDAY 2005 NEWSLETTER


FROM LEFT: Adam with a grabby Kat; Zach in the headlights; Brian yields a grin; Adam shines. AT RIGHT: Brett, Aurora and Eric entertain the troops at an afterparty.

ABOVE: Star beams; Chase screams. AT RIGHT: Boys in briefs.

FROM LEFT: Jeremiah, Chuckie, Monique & Chip.

caption caption caption caption

AT LEFT: Danielle proves Mikey is a lesbian during Pride Day 2001.

ABOVE: Jeremy with Kat, who loves sloppy seconds.

ABOVE FROM LEFT: DJ Rob Engel can’t let go of his new mix set; DJ Rick Corder stirs it up.

ABOVE: Janise flutters into Todd’s airspace. AT RIGHT: Ben gets some again at Millennium.

FROM LEFT: “Jesus” Josh perverts while Mother converts; Dearick Lafferman; Missy Marlo. AT RIGHT: Andy, a successful film career behind him, ponders his attraction to Jeffrey. HOLIDAY 2005 NEWSLETTER

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Sugar-plump fairies O according to nce again, we find ourselves bent over for Old Man Winter. This cruel, yet dangerously beautiful season, can warm the cockles of even the bitterest bitch’s heart. The shopping, gifts, snow, ice covered roads with mentally challenged Florida natives behind the wheel, the decorations, Christmas carols, fruitcakes, pies and cookies, white Santa, black Santa, latino Santa, disco Santa, christian Santa and Jewish Santa. O come all ye faithful. She see’s you when you’re sleeping. She knows when you’re awake. She knows when you are bad or good. Better take cover for your own damn sake. WARNING! WARNING! THIS IS NOT A TEST! THE MOTHER TERROR ALERT SYSTEM HAS BEEN ACTIVATED FOR THE DURATION OF THE WINTER! (For your own safety, bring cereal, milk and a recent copy of Martha Stewart Living when you visit Mother. — Jeffrey) The warm weather is gone for those of us still above the Mason-Dixon Line. Get ready for the ever so polite Canadians, be they hookers or not, to share that bone chilling Artic Air they are so fond of with us. To all of you hot boys that need a way to keep your hands warm, here is the best way to keep that

THE GOSPEL

Kane

blood flowing. On December 20th and 21st, respectively, Jeffrey and I will need our plump birthday bottoms spanked quite a number of times. You may need to bring a friend or two as reinforcement. As you misguided Christians drunkenly celebrate with your families the birth of a Jew that our ancestors nailed to a cross rendering him the Lord and Saviour of the Christian faith, grab some lube and get ready to plow into the ADVERTISEMENT

I had a dream Anne Frank meets Mardi Gras Anne muscle pops in the attic with Mardi amid the cobwebs and holes. She chats with Mardi Gras about Nazis and U.S. marshalls. The next day CNN leads with “Anne Frank reaches the summit of Mount Ketamina. ‘All I got was a muscle pop’, she declares.” MGTV airs “Kracked in the Attic.” Today on Martha Stewart, “How to festively disguise yourself with seasonal holiday decorations!” Finally, on Behind The Moo-sic, a tearful, rehabilitated Mardi sobs, “Picture it . . . a dark attic in south Columbus. There I was, my candle burning low. Only one muscle pop left as freedom slowly slips away . . .” virgin anus of 2006. You should be finished giving me my birthday beating just in time for the Rose Bowl. Tis the season to reflect upon the previous 12 months. Take time to appreciate those people who were your friend through the good times and the bad times. Accept responsibility for everything you’ve done in your life, not just the good things. And don’t place the blame on anyone or anything else. So celebrate the holidays, dive in and enjoy the peace, love and understanding of this joyous time of year. Treat yourself and dive onto the long, thick, sweet peppermint shaft of a KANDY KANE.


09 Newsletter - HOLIDAY 2005