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EDITOR’S LETTER DEAR ABBY
TIPS AND ADVICE
GETTING STARTED - FINDING YOUR WAY TO ONLINE DATING A SUCCESSFUL FIRST DATE HOW TO WRITE A PROFILE THAT’LL JAM YOU MAIL BOX
HOW TO FIND A GREAT GUY OR GIRL ONLINE 21 BODY LANGUAGE - HOW TO SHOW HIM 23 YOU’RE INTERESTED
THE DIET FOR DATERS
- are they destined for the ‘meet market‘?
HOROSCOPE COMPATIBLITY - ARIES
FEEL GOOD FOOD FOOD & DIET FEED A BROKEN HEART WITH THE RIGHT FOODS
TIPS & ADVICE
IS IT DIFFICULT TO MEET SOMEONE?
Dear DATE Readers T
his is the first issue of a new e-magazine full of wise advice and sparkling tips that will increase your chances of success in the turbulent waters of Online Dating. Do you wonder why it is that some people have hundreds of emails clogging up their mailbox each week, while others hardly receive a single message at all? Yes, a lot has to do with the person’s photo, and yes, some of us are more attractive than others. Surely, though, there are people out there who look for something more than just the outer packaging? Of course there are, but how do you get to show them that there’s more to you than just the celluloid? By saying something about yourself that will catch the attention of whoever’s reading your profile. I’ve read dating profiles so unoriginal that I cringed for the women who wrote them – “What you see is what you get!” and “I love my cat!” and “I love walks along the beach and candlelit dinners!” I took a peep to see if we men can do better and – would you believe it? – we were even worse. We appear to be seriously linguistically challenged – most of us can’t string 100 words together to describe who we are and what kind of woman we’re looking to meet. And our spelling – ouch! But help is at hand. This issue brings together some experts
who will help you write a profile that will knock the socks off your prospective date and ensure you get an eager response. And in each monthly issue our experts will deal with topics ranging from ‘how soon to meet her’ to ‘the perfect letter for ditching your mistake without causing him/her pain’. Beside this there’ll be our Dear Abby column to solve your relationship problems, the Forum where you can express your opinions on any topic, true life dating stories of success and failure – and lots more. Looking forward to ‘meeting’ you. Until the nest issue. The Editor
PO BOX 21644 KLOOF STREET, CAPE TOWN, 8008, SOUTH AFRICA TEL: 27-21-762 3309 FAX: 27-21-797 3853 firstname.lastname@example.org
MARION MORTON DESIGNED BY
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JASON KUTTEL CELL: 27-81-343 4683
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The answer to your
relationship problems Write to us
Dear Abby I have been seeing this great guy for 8 months and he’s still reluctant to say we are exclusive or that we’re boyfriend and girlfriend. He says we’re dating, but does not want to rush things. I’m getting frustrated as if I’m just filling in until something better comes along. What should I do? Phyllis. Dear Phyllis First of all we need to find out what it is that makes you feel you’re ‘filling in until something better comes along’? Does he only call you at the last minute when he has no better option instead of calling a few days before? Does he date other women? Has he had a bad experience in the past – getting over a heartache? Are there cultural differences that might cause him to hesitate? If you suspect he dates other women then there are a few options open to you. The first is not to make yourself available to him whenever he wants to see you – even if it means spending the evening alone at home. Make it clear that if he wants to take you out, he should give you reasonable notice – at least a couple of days. Another option is to start accepting dates from other men. If he doesn’t consider you and him to be ‘an item’, or in a relationship, then why
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should he object? If he does then you need to find out why – a perfect excuse for you to formalise things. If you’re absolutely certain that he’s biding his time until his Ms Perfect comes by then I suspect it’s time for you to move along. If there are cultural differences this is not so easy to overcome. He may be under a lot of pressure from his family to find a match within his community. But if he’s reluctant to commit because of a bad experience, you’ll need to reassure him and give him time. Once he sees you’re for real, he’ll eventually come around. Dear Abby I’ve just started seeing my exboyfriend again and I’m worried he’s going to treat me badly as he did when we were previously together. We’ve seen each other as friends since breaking up and getting back together again, and the whole time he’s told me he still likes me. However, I don’t know whether he’s being genuine or not as nearly every time I ask him to go out he’s busy doing something else. Also, he’s never the one to arrange things – it’s always me. What do I do to get him to do the right thing? And do you think he is telling the truth when he says he still likes me? Ruth.
Dear Ruth You haven’t said how long you’d been going out with your ex, how long you’d been apart, the way in which he treated you badly, or who decided to rekindle the relationship. If the way he treated you badly is physical or mental abuse it might be a good idea to call it quits and don’t look back. Men who abuse their women in this way generally do not reform. In fact they are more likely to become more abusive over time. If there’s no abuse then my advice however is for you to back off. Don’t put him under any pressure by asking him to take you out. You might want to see him seven days a week whereas due to his work, or whatever he does, he may only be able to see you on weekends. If you want him to find his way back to you, you’ll have to let it happen naturally – without you influencing his decision in any way. Dear Abby I have a ‘friend’ who isn’t looking for a relationship but still wants to see me. I guess you could call it a ‘friends with benefits’ type thing. I want to have a relationship with him, but he says he isn’t ready. I can wait but I don’t know for how long. Also, he’s seeing someone else and he thinks I don’t know about it. I don’t know how to confront him and it really bothers me because I feel like I’m being used. Kevin.
Dear Kevin Relationships in the gay community are no different to those amongst straights. In other words, you have
to make a decision about taking your dating life into your own hands. If you believe he only calls you as a ‘rebound’ or as a midnight call, and he’s in fact using you, then you have to cut ties and move on – unless you’re happy with this set of circumstances and to remain a buddy with benefits. If you’re looking for an exclusive relationship, then you have to go out and meet new people with the intention of finding what you’re looking for. In other words, it’s not a question of them wanting you but more of you finding a match that’s good for you. Too many of us get carried away by someone paying attention to us. We become intoxicated with the idea that someone finds us attractive and desirable, overlooking whether or not the person is in fact a good match and what we are truly looking for. Perhaps you should start out by making a list of all your good qualities and why another man would find you attractive – this is a great confidence building exercise. At the same time you should make a list of the qualities you hope to find in a partner. Perhaps your dream man and the one you find in reality may not necessarily match up, but take your time and explore all possibilities. It may also be an idea to be a little old-fashioned and become friends first. Send your letter asking for relationship advice to Dear Abby, PO Box 21644, Kloof Street, Cape Town, 8008, South Africa, or email to email@example.com. Magazine reserves the right to edit any letter and remove any content deemed inappropriate prior to publishing it. The Dear Abby column cannot reply personally to requests for advice.
Feed a broken heart with the right foods Parting company with a loved one
always leaves behind an enormous void. The things you used to share and do together now happen for you alone. Just the feeling of having someone around while one of you is reading and the other watching sport or a show on television is companionship and makes you feel contented. After a break-up there’s a feeling of being alone. Your home feels empty – even desolate. You eat alone and sleep alone. And until someone new enters your life you’re going to experience the agony of abandonment. The consolation is that you’re not really alone in this experience – this is happening every second of the day to millions of people worldwide. But this knowledge isn’t going to help perk up your mood. You need something else and here are a few ideas. Eating the right foods and not the wrong ones might help perk you up a little. Dark chocolate in small quantities helps improve your mood due to substances called flavonoids. Besides its ability to lower blood
pressure and protect the body against heart disease, chocolate mimics pleasurable feelings that the body gets when dopamine is released in the brain. This is thanks to the phenylethylamine contained in it. Tryptophan, an essential amino acid that helps build feel-good neurotransmitters like serotonin, is contained in turkey, chicken, peanuts, soya products, eggs and milk. Foods high in vitamin B such as green leafy vegetables, bananas, cereals, milk, chicken and orange juice are also beneficial. And so are walnuts and rooibos tea. Things to avoid include alcohol, nicotine and sugar as all of them break down vitamin B. So, even though eating the right foods might not remove all the pain of the break up, it will help to improve your mood and keep you in good shape to re-enter the dating world. Sooner or later the hurt will heal and you’ll be on the lookout for someone new.
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TIPS & ADVICE
GETTING STARTED - find your way into internet dating
Choosing a Dating Site Finding a suitable dating site is not quite as simple as typing the word ‘dating’ into a search engine. Up will pop links to online dating sites around the world with most based in the UK or US. These sites have large memberships in most countries, but few can boast many South African subscribers. There are exceptions, however, and one of the more popular of them is Match.com. The US site Match.com, prominently featured on MSN’s home page, is one of the trailblazers in internet dating and has substantial support from South Africans in search of happiness. In a recent article in a British tabloid, it was touted as being the largest online dating service, claiming more than twenty-five million members across the world. One of the few advantages of this site is that once you’ve prepared a profile listing your preferences, it does the matching for you by sending you regular emails with links to dozens of profiles that suit your requirements. Often, however, it unhelpfully connects you with people in cities other than
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your own, and sometimes even foreign countries. One of the disadvantages of many sites is that until you subscribe they only allow limited access to other members’ profiles and are in too much of a hurry to point you to their subscriptions page. I quickly disengage from this type of site as they prevent you from researching a selection of suitable matches, which are both ‘active’ and situated in your locality – before you have to shell out your hard-earned bucks. Providing a facility to browse profiles in your home city is a feature that sets a site apart from the rest. Many sites inconveniently sort profiles by province, state or country rather than by city and I can’t imagine why anyone would want a prospective date who wasn’t distance suited. Some sites do not refine your ability to surf the city where you live and call up profiles for the entire state or country. This is of little help. One of the more successful (and affordable) South African sites is Dating Buzz (aka Thunderbolt City). The cost of a threemonth subscription is only a few hundred rand and there is no charge to post a profile. One of
the positive things about this site is that it alerts you to the exact date the profile owner last logged in. Most sites don’t do this as they like to pretend that all of their members are active – which is not the case at all. Clearly, it’s time wasted sending an approach email to a person who left the site weeks or even months ago. Sites that fail to alert you to an inactive profile are doing you a disservice. Being a tad Economical with the Truth. A question many daters ask themselves when creating their profiles is whether to lie about their ages? Does it really matter if you’re fifty-nine or sixty? Isn’t age just a number and it’s all about how you are and your view on life that’s important? If you’re wearing well and you’re certain you can get away with it, you might be a tad economical with the truth. Most people are. Following research into internet dating I found that many
TIPS & ADVICE
women confessed to having shaved at least five or six years off their ages in order to make themselves more ‘marketable’. The reason given was that if a woman of 40 wanted to meet a man of say, 45, she would do better to pitch herself at 35-38 as most men are looking for women as much as ten years younger than themselves. A dear friend of mine, an attractive widow, is a case in point. She’d just turned seventy but looked at least a dozen years younger and was dating a man ten years her junior, without having confessed her true age. She was about to go on a ‘dirty weekend’, as she put it, and was on tenterhooks he’d stumble across one of her personal documents or driver’s licence – and then ‘the cat would be out the bag’. I was having coffee with her one morning when she told me of her dilemma. ‘Isn’t there some way I can alter my birth certificate to reflect the age I want?’ she asked me. Some weeks later I ran into her again. ‘How did the trip go?’ I asked. ‘Oh, I dumped him,’ she replied. ‘Can you believe it, he asks me away for the weekend, and books separate rooms!’ The risk is that if you do exaggerate your youthfulness, at some stage you’re going to have to come clean. The question which will always remain as a lingering doubt in your date’s mind – who might by then have become the love of your life – is
what else you lied about? Writers and Poets So what should you write in your profile that’ll guarantee you success? Most men find it hard to sum themselves up in a few paragraphs and many launch into lengthy descriptions of a fairy-tale perfect match they’d like. Others set out their vital statistics as if they were being measured for a suit. Funny the way people describe themselves. If a man is fat, he’s fat, though of course some embroider the truth. But a woman is always ‘cuddly’, or ‘curvaceous’, or has a ‘few extra pounds’ – even if she’s built like a truck! Women often say that a man’s looks don’t matter, and it’s what’s inside that count. Do we believe them? Probably it’s safer to see this for the white lie it usually is. Women can be kind, and you may find your prospective date is prepared to overlook your defects, but I believe that packaging helps. Ask someone in the advertising business.
I suggest that you don’t describe yourself as ‘still having your own teeth and hair’. This creates the impression of someone on his last legs – and no woman wants another baby to look after. Skip that and highlight your positive features – like being a regular jogger, a keen chess player, a past member of the PTA (when your daughter was at school), the life and soul of the party, a raconteur of note, and so on. Also, you will attract women if you read and they may even go weak at the knees discovering that you’ve read Jane Austen and can tell Elizabeth from Elinor. This doesn’t mean you should go out and do a cramcourse on classy novels. Women who read have a sensitive nose for phoneys. Even if you crack a bottle of scotch every night, describe yourself as a ‘social drinker’ and skip the George Burns one-liner that it only takes one drink to get you drunk – but you can’t remember whether it’s the thirteenth or the fourteenth! Focus on your character. In my experience women want dependability and humour, sensitivity and humour, honesty
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TIPS & ADVICE
and humour, sincerity and humour, empathy and humour, as well as a host of other attributes that most men don’t possess. Humour is a winning trait that will bring you more success than anything else you may have in your arsenal, with the possible exception of several million rand. Humour is much more likely to capture a woman’s attention than telling her how well-endowed you are. But humour doesn’t mean that you have to be a clown. Clowns belong in a circus, and to have one constantly in tow can often become tedious and embarrassing. However, having a sharp wit or being able to see the funny side of life rather than being too staid will add to your charm. Of course there are exceptions, but on the whole women want you to love children, especially theirs, as well as animals (particularly their cats and dogs). You should also be a good listener as they want to do most of the talking. Women are strongly attracted to success. Whatever your line of business, you’re ambitious and a ‘go-getter’. If you’re a truck driver then describe yourself as a ‘controller in the transport industry’ – after all, as comedian Jackie Mason said, if you don’t control the truck, then who does? Charm is the magic word. If you don’t have any then I suggest you make a serious effort to acquire some. I have a friend, whom I’ll call Charles. He’s not particularly strong in the good-
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looks department, but has charmed the knickers off many an attractive woman. He treats each one he meets – no matter how plain and ordinary she may be – like a princess. Words like ‘beautiful’ and ‘darling’ slip off his tongue like honey. He makes each one feel as if she were the only woman in his world. This is a sure-fire recipe for success. Whatever you decide to include in your profile make sure it’s positive. Focus on strengths and not weaknesses. Women desire men with an aura of security and stability. Phrases like ‘successful
career’, ‘my own business’, and ‘financially sound’ all help to create a positive image. If you’re an outdoor, physically fit type, then describe the things you do, rather than just saying ‘sporty’ or ‘fit’. And if you prefer card and board games, like bridge and chess, say so. In the future issues I’m going to give you tips on how best to portray yourself in your writing (Email Foreplay), in choosing photos (Visual Effects) and the way to ensure you’re well turned out in the bedroom (The Boudoir).
-WARNING FOR WOMEN
Mama’ s Boy:
He nearly brought his mama along on the first date and spent more time taking her calls or sending her text messages than the restaurant took to prepare and serve a seven-course meal. All his clothes were approved by mama and she’s the main topic of his conversation. He calls her first thing in the morning – before he’s been to the bathroom – to find out how she slept, and she calls him throughout the day to find out what he’s doing. Mama’s boys are best left alone – to be with mama.
has more of them buzzing around him than there are flies around an open jar of honey. And he knows just how to treat women – all of them. Even though he takes your breath away, he’s best avoided, or else you could be in for an unhappy ride.
Ever So Slightly Gay: He might be stunningly good looking, but he’s more interested in going shopping with you than hanging out with the boys. And he’s happy to join you at the hairdresser and dispense advice along the way. If there’s a hint of nasal affectation in the way The Womaniser: He’s devastatingly he speaks run a mile – or else an good looking and has a personality evening in the sack will be spent to match. Every woman in the room watching videos. wants to be in his company and he
DO’S AND DON’TS
Is it difficult to meet someone The myth that ‘all the good ones
are taken’ is exactly that – a myth. Another falsehood I frequently hear is that there are no decent ways or places to meet people.
“The only difficulty you do face is that you might not find Mr or Ms Right the first time round.” Using the internet to find that special person dispels both these myths. Estimates show that there are hundreds of millions of singles worldwide using the internet to find a mate. Whereas you would be lucky to find more than one or two possible matches in a bar or social gathering, with internet dating you can find hundreds or even thousands of possible matches, and all from the safety and convenience of your own home or office, where you can scrutinise as many profiles
and photos as you wish. And surely it’s easier to type an email approach letter than muster the courage to walk across a room and introduce yourself? The only difficulty you do face is that you might not find Mr or Ms Right the first time round, though this is not unheard of. Make Patience and Perseverance your watchwords. Keep at it, and eventually you’ll be rewarded. It’s an investment of time and effort – and it’s well worth it.
“We all deserve a fulfilling and happy relationship with a partner.” Then there’s the perceived stigma that people who go in search of a match are desperate. I prefer to think that they’re eager to form a relationship and would rather be
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proactive about finding a mate than do nothing and hope for the best. We all deserve a fulfilling and happy relationship with a partner, and if it means reaching out to find that special someone, what’s the problem? I’ve just read an article by a socalled dating expert who suggests you should use one of his following techniques to land yourself a catch: Get a dog and go to a dog park. There, the adviser suggests, opportunities will present themselves and the dog will break the ice for you. Really? In my humble opinion, all you’re likely to get is a good walk and perhaps a flea or two. If you don’t like dogs, then take up yoga. Yoga classes will not only give you a good stretch but provide an ‘amazing selection of beautiful people’. He suggests that after a class you could offer to share a slice of cheese cake with someone who’s caught your eye – as a ‘reward for the hard workout you both had’. Is he kidding? His final gem is for you to attend a live music concert. No, not one in Madison Square Garden with tens of thousands of fans, but something more intimate. This he says is ‘fertile ground’ because of the ‘diverse crowd it attracts’ and provides the opportunity to ‘get near whoever catches your eye’. I can just picture how successful you’re going to be trying to be heard above the sound of a rock band at full throttle! Or
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fighting your way through the crowd to get close to a face that’s caught your eye amongst the sea of others. Do me a favour. Surely, meeting someone through the internet makes better sense?
TIPS & ADVICE
eeting a stranger of the opposite sex can be a daunting experience. Palms are sweaty and tongues tied. So, how best to deal with the problem? She’s already seated at a table when you arrive. She offers you her hand and you don’t crush her fingers in a vice or offer her a wet fish. There’s a moment’s awkwardness as you nearly knock over a glass. It soon passes and you launch into animated conversation on topics you’ve already established in your e-mails. A good tip is to check her profile details again before meeting her, so you can impress her with how you’ve taken notice of what music she likes, whether she has a cat or a dog, whether she dislikes tattoos, etc, and in general shows you’re really interested in her. I suggest you limit your first date to no more than thirty minutes no matter what – and this should be pre-arranged. The reason is simple. If it’s a success and you both hit it off, you’ll look forward
to the next meeting. If not, the agony’s over in a half-hour. Once your thirty minutes is up, you get up to go promising to call her – if you mean it of course. Or you can send her a Williams rating – or perhaps, Jack’s ‘chemistry communiqué’ (see article on A Bill of Rights for Daters) and leave. Up to this point you have no idea how well you’ve gone down and whether or not she wants to see any more of you. I suggest you give her some brief immediate feedback along the lines ‘I enjoyed meeting you and hope we can do it again.’ Whatever you do, don’t make the fatal error of playing the typical male game of seeing how long you can leave it as if you’re busy with a dozen other women as well.
When you do call her up, ask whether she’d like to join you for lunch. A date during the day is safer (for her) until she gets to know you better. Be sure to stay away from any topic that has a sexual connotation. It’s a good idea to keep the conversation focussed on her, but don’t interrogate her – it can be tiresome to be bombarded with questions. Talk about things that interest her and what she likes to do, her family background,
career, and so on. She said she’s self employed, for example ask her what she does. Be specific and refer to the interests she listed in her profile. If you know she likes playing board games, then ask about them. If this goes well, the next step is an evening date. Do you do dinner or a movie? My advice is stick to activities where you engage with each other. Dinner dates are an ideal opportunity to find out more about each other, whereas movie dates are much less interactive, though of course it’s always fun to discuss the movie afterwards. In general though, it’s probably better to leave the movie until you’re completely comfortable in each other’s company. A later article will deal with ensuing dates and how not to trip up along the way. Edition 1 - 2011
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the years you’ve tried the Grapefruit Diet, the Hollywood Diet, the food combining diet that advised you not to eat protein with carbohydrates, and countless others – and none of them worked. Why? Because the authors of these diets were only interested in one thing – and that was to take money from desperate people who’d pay anything to shed their unwanted kilos. And what did they achieve for you? Not much except they made you feel as if you were starving to death. So, what about a diet where you can eat as much as you like – and still lose the fat? And what do I know about dieting? Am I qualified in nutrition? No. Do I have a university degree in the
only way to slim not going to build a double-storey mansion with the same materials required for a pole-and-dagga hut. So what’s the secret? What do body-builders know that the authors of diet books don’t know? Answer: They know what to eat and they don’t eat the wrong food. And what is the ‘wrong food’? The wrong food is the stuff that fashions the fat, piles on the pounds, welcomes the weight.
subject? No. So what qualifies me to wax eloquent about the topic? How about years spent training to be a competitive body-builder, and in recent times as a powerlifter? Okay, I know you don’t want to look like the chunks of muscle that adorn the covers of muscle magazines, but there’s an important question I’d like you to think about. How did these ‘muscle-heads’ get such enormous bodies with so little body fat? Sure, they had to work-out like all hell at the gym. But at the same time they had to consume enormous amounts of food – you’re not going to build bodies like that on two boiled eggs and a cup of coffee for breakfast. The same way you’re
The first three items to cross off your list are the three Ss – sugar, salt and starch. Sugar doesn’t need an explanation and salt does little but increase your capacity to store water (fluid retention) – there’s enough natural salt in most foods so you don’t need to douse your food with the stuff. Then there are the starches – or complex carbohydrates. Now I don’t advocate crossing ALL starches off your menu – only certain ones. You require starch for energy and those you keep are unrefined starches such as potatoes, brown rice, whole wheat, cassava, corn on the cob, oats, etc. The starches you dump are those that have been refined – like white bread, cakes, biscuits, pastries, white pasta, white rice, thickener for gravy and custard, pie-fillings, etc. Next to be avoided are animal fats found in all meat. Here I include ALL sausages and mince meat even if the latter is described as ‘lean mince’. Lean mince just means a little less fat (and junk) in it than
regular mince. Trim ALL fat off any meat BEFORE you cook it, and if you stew or boil meat make sure you cook it at least two or three times. By cooling it sufficiently (in the fridge) after the first time you cook it, the fat collects as a thick crust which can be removed with a spoon before the next or final stewing or boiling. After you’ve removed the fat, the remainder should be fairly lean. Try to avoid red meat wherever possible as it contains fat between the fibres. Aim to include more skinned chicken and fish in your diet – baked, grilled or microwaved. Don’t eat anything fried – even an egg. What do bodybuilders use for protein? Chicken breasts and tuna – and if the tuna’s canned in brine, they rinse out the salt before using it. What else must you get used to in order to succeed? You’re not going to have any more spreads and gravies. Get used to eating bread or toast without butter, margarine or jam on it. Dairy products – such as butter, margarine, cheese, etc – just add inches to your waist. And switch from 2% milk (I assume only infants drink full cream) to skim. If you need your shot of alcohol on a daily basis then whisky is the least fattening. And if you’ve got to have a mixer, make sure it’s soda water. ALL sweet fizzy drinks – even if they claim to be sugar free – are bad for you and will pack on the pounds.
Now let’s take a look at my typical daily diet.
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Breakfast I would start with some fresh fruit – grapefruit, paw paw, melon, an apple or orange, etc. This is followed by a cereal – preferably unsweetened oats, bran, etc. You can slice fruit into the oats and give it a squirt of honey if you’ve got a sweet tooth (most muesli contains too much sugar). This can be followed by an egg or two – preferably boiled or poached – served with a slice of whole-wheat toast (without any spread). Round it off with coffee or tea – I don’t subscribe to the myths about caffeine.
Lunch I generally have a salad with some chicken breast or canned tuna. My salad comprises lettuce, tomatoes, sprouts, carrots, peppers, olives, a hard-boiled egg and avocado. Rounding lunch off with some fruit is a good option.
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Dinner This is my main meal of the day and I usually eat at least a half a skinned chicken (leg and thigh, wing, breast, etc) or two or three chicken breasts (after removing the skin) or a sizable portion (at least 250g) of fish such as Kingklip, Yellow Tail, Cape Salmon, Hake, etc – baked, roast or grilled – but never fried. Served with the protein are 2-3 boiled medium-sized potatoes and three or four servings of lightly boiled vegetables such as broccoli, cauliflower, Brussel sprouts, Swiss chard, pumpkin, butternut, etc.
Next week I’m going to unpack the myths about caffeine and whether that cup of coffee before bed will keep you awake. Or should you switch to decaffeinated?
BRANGELINA are they destined for the ‘meet market‘?
Ever since the blockbuster book “Brad’s drug use that’ll eventually bring the curtain down on the relationship.”
Brangelina: The Untold Story of Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie by author Ian Halperin was released in November 2009 revealing the secrets behind Hollywood’s most watched couple and why they’re destined to split, rumours have been rife.
“...they signed a deal on how to split their $400 million fortune ...”
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Towards the end of January 2010, News of the World reported that the ‘golden pair’ had seen divorce lawyers – even though they’ve never married. Apparently they signed a deal on how to split their $400 million fortune and who will get custody of the six kids – just in case. The couple hadn’t been seen together for a while and Brad was without Angelina at the Hope for Haiti concert in Los Angeles early in 2010. And in February last year, despite the brave front and the lovey-dovey show that Brangelina put on at the Directors Guild of America Awards, along with the beaming thumbs-up Brad gave, not everyone was convinced.
“... sex was soon replaced by bickering and Brad and Angelina were soon fighting over politics.” Halperin, who followed the couple for five years, reveals that it was incredible sex that brought the couple together. But how long can two people spend most of each day making love before it wears off? And if there’s not much else to replace it, what then? According to Halperin’s ‘very reliable sources’, sex was soon replaced by bickering and Brad and Angelina were soon fighting over politics, what clothing their kids wore and…Brad’s penchant for pot and booze. Their limo driver fears more for Brad’s safety than Angelina’s as from the fights he’s witnessed on the back seat, Angelina can be as dangerous as a cobra out of its basket. But Halperin predicts that it’s Brad’s drug use that’ll eventually
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bring the curtain down on the relationship. And then who will Brad turn to? Or will it be back to the dating scene? One thing’s for sure, don’t hold your breath for a profile on a dating site that reads something along the lines of: Just out of a six-year relationship that wasn’t marriage – but married once before – well-established mature man (47) with successful career in the entertainment industry looking to find sexy young (under 35) starlet. Must be partial to a beanie, mustache and beard.
“... not too many marriages see out the distance in Hollywood.” Although many tabloid stories would have us believe that everything still smells of roses, the couple has experienced problems. However, Halperin got it wrong when he predicted it was all going to be pear-shaped by last Christmas. What interests me is that when it eventually does – not too many marriages see out the distance in Hollywood – who’ll be filling the Jolie shoes? And what about Angelina? Who will she set her sights on once she’s back in the ‘meet market’? She’s had a history of swiping other women’s men – Brad Pitt was married to Jennifer Aniston when Jolie co-starred with him in Mr & Mrs Smith. Before Brad Pitt, Angelina made a move on actor Billy Bob Thornton, who was at the time engaged to Laura Dern. Thornton and Jolie’s three-year marriage ended in 2002, even though Angelina had Billy Bob’s name tattooed on her privates.
The latest report is that all seems to be roses as the other day the family – Brangelina and six kids – were photographed all smiles as they went out shopping in New Orleans. This is their current home while Brad’s busy with his latest film, Cogan’s Trade.
TIPS & ADVICE
Write a Profile That’ll Have Them Queuing at Your Mailbox
he single most effective way to T ensure success in Online Dating is to write a profile that captures the attention of those who read it – a profile that not only presents you in the best possible light, but also gives those reading it a glimpse into the sort of person you are and the way to win your heart.
Most online daters have very little idea of how to go about this, and many just copy the sort of stuff others have put in their profiles – meaning at best that their profiles are mere clones of someone else’s. All this serves to do is hasten the departure of everyone visiting their pages. Alternatively, they write the first thing that enters their heads without considering the effect their words will have on the reader. Of course there is no single formula for writing profiles that will apply to everyone – each individual needs to express him/herself in their own unique way, but in general the principles are the same. Try to use specifics and be sincere and honest. Show your personality by writing the same way as you speak. Showing a sense of humour is always a good idea but do so with caution – recounting an amusing
incident should be done tastefully. Look for things that make you different from others. Avoid using meaningless clichés, for instance that you enjoy walks on the beach, candlelit dinners, and sipping wine in cosy surroundings. These say nothing at all about you and apply to nearly everyone out there. Try to say something interesting by recounting an amusing incident in your life that may even have been embarrassing for you – it shows that you’re real. Demonstrate that you’re positive and confident without appearing annoying and arrogant. Avoid harping on about any baggage you may still carry and don’t list money or looks as a prerequisite. When you’ve completed your profile check the spelling and make sure there are no grammatical errors. If you don’t find what you’ve written amusing and fun to read, chances are others won’t either. The following is an example of a profile I came across which, had I been in the ‘meet market’, I might have responded to immediately. Username: 1inA Billion Headline: A Wild Ride Female, 35, Cape Town.
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About me: Strange things happen to me but nothing that should cause you to be afraid. But realise that should we get together, you’re in for a wild ride. I’ve skied dowtn a twomile slope and the last half-mile on only one ski. My Porsche is in fact a VW and has broken down in front of a dozen honking customers in the drive-thru line at KFC (I’ve since upgraded to a Maserati – or is it in fact a Mazda?). I work in public restrooms – I mean public relations – getting press coverage for people in the television industry. The truth is I’d rather be making my own headlines and my ultimate goal is to move to Los Angeles to produce feature films. It won’t be easy to leave my family behind because they are my anchor and the paradigm of everything I aspire to be. I’m fortunate to have them in my life, not to mention a legion of close friends from high school and university. I’m pragmatic but spontaneous. Nurturing but competitive. Peaceful but energetic. I love staying up late – either to party, have sex or just read a good book. But I almost always sleep in on weekends – in my birthday suit. I definitely have an adventurous streak – whether it’s trying out an exotic recipe in the kitchen, running with my dog or travelling the world. The dream trip I’d like to take one day is to ride the Orient Express from Paris to Venice to Budapest – and then spend a week relaxing on a Greek island with nothing but sunscreen and a book by Tom Wolfe. Are you in? About the One I’m Looking for: I’d rather be with someone with big dreams and no money than with no dreams and big money. I must admit, I like a bit of a bad boy – not an awful, I’m-going-to-treat-youlike-crap kind of guy, but someone who’s going to push me to my limits and then pull back with a warm hug
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at the last minute. Truth is, I’m just a nice girl (most of the time) who’s looking for some fun and companionship. I love guys who can hold me spellbound with a story or make me laugh until I cry. I also love creativity and passion. Maybe it’s your love of ‘80s movies, your stamp collection or the fact that you travelled the world with only a duffel bag – it doesn’t matter. The right man not only fascinates me but also brings out the best in me. We push each other to be the greatest people we can be. We bolster each other’s egos and we leave short, thoughtful love messages for each other when we’re away on business trips. If you’re comfortable in your own skin, have a strong sense of self and aren’t afraid to expose your flaws, I’m sure we’ll get along just fine. But I will say that if you’ve got blue eyes, are a Stormers rugby fan or a part-time singer/guitarist, I’m already melting. 1inABillion’s amusing anecdotes immediately capture the reader’s attention and establishes that this is a woman who knows how to laugh at herself. Such funny stories are also a logical lead-in to her career goal of being a Hollywood writer. Her high aspirations, however, are tempered by her down-to-earth nature and her attachment to her family. Great use of specifics in the last line of her “About Me” essay, which describes an adventuresome person looking for someone to share the ride. What comes across clearly is that she’s looking for more of an equal than an opposite. Just as she describes herself as creative, a dreamer and an adventurer, she suggests that her ideal man should be like-minded. Little touches round out her second essay – love messages on business trips, part-time guitarist. The use of the word ‘melting’ shows a hint
of vulnerability and that she has a flair for the romantic as well. While she pushes the sexual envelope she also expresses a deep wisdom and maturity about what it takes to sustain a long-term relationship. All in all, 1inABillion would appear to be a woman who has experienced a lot in life and is open to all forms of excitement and happiness. The answer is to create a profile that tells the person reading it all about you. It must be unique – as you are – and is not a clone of someone else. So, before rushing ahead and copying what others have written about themselves, give it some thought and make a list of all the ways in which you perceive yourself to differ from others. There are things that bring a tear to your eye or put a smile on your face. Mention them. It all helps to tell who you are.
“...be sincere and honest. Show your personality by writing the same way as you speak.”
In this edition we look at Aries and the astrological signs you’d be best suited to for trouble-free love and romance. If you’re born under the sign of Aries you’re likely to be a leader. As you hate being told what to do, you would rather be your own boss than work for somebody else. You crave adventure, are filled with energy and exhibit freedom of expression in whatever you do. You are clear as to what you want out of life and strive to achieve these ends. You work hard, dislike laziness and approach tasks with confidence, sometimes appearing to be overly assertive and self-centred. Your associates may interpret your energy and focus as being insensitive and rude if they struggle to keep up with you. You are impulsive and will often launch into schemes without considering the detail, yet you are able to come to terms with failure. If you are able to exercise patience with others, your role as a natural leader will endear you to family and friends, who will look up to you with admiration.
The chief difficulty you would experience with a partner born under the same sign is that you would be continually competing with each other. It would be a fire meets fire relationship, but with a great deal of sexual energy.
The combination between fire and earth would be rewarding if your intention was to accumulate wealth or material possessions. Taurus’s caution would temper your impulsiveness. The immediate physical attraction between you would work well in the bedroom as the driving passion of Aries couples with the nurturing and loving Taurus.
Fire and air may lead to too much hot air as Gemini loves to talk. However, your energy levels may be pitched too high for Gemini people as they are inclined to be laid back and might not be able to keep up.
Your fire may overheat the water of this sign to form a lot of steam. Cancer may be too emotional for you, requiring you to proceed through life much more slowly and sensitively than you would care to. People born under this sign may be too staid and boring for the energetic Aries.
Another fire meets fire combination which might lead to an explosion. People born under these two signs are brimming with energy and work well together on every level. Of all the combinations, this is likely to be the best match for you both spiritually and sexually.
This is another fire and earth combination but the critical and perfectionist nature of Virgo will be a complete mismatch for you. Avoid this combination.
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The air sign of Libra is opposite to Aries and even though some say that opposites attract, it is only partly true. One of the contrasts is that Libra isn’t as decisive as Aries and likes to examine things carefully before making a decision. In the bedroom, the air of Libra is likely to stoke the fires of Aries.
This fire and water combination is likely to take your breath away. As much as you want to be the leader, Scorpio will try surreptitiously to usurp your position. The danger of this relationship is that there’s likely to be an ongoing struggle of wills between you. Sexually, you are both ruled by the passionate Mars so you are likely to be compatible.
Sagit iarius Aries
This is another fire and fire explosion. It’s a combination that has a very good chance of working as Sagittarius’s spiritual side will complement the ambitious Aries. Sexually, your appetites verge on the extreme and you are wellsuited.
Astrologers believe this is the most unpleasant match in the zodiac. Your ruling planets, Mars and Saturn, are diametrically opposed forces. Stay away.
The ego-centred Aries is not really suited to the humanitarian concern of Aquarius, who is likely to dream of transforming society. However, if you want to develop your spiritual consciousness, Aquarius is the sign to learn from.
There is likely to be a short-lived attraction between these two signs, but the connection is not that strong. This fire and water combination could result in the water putting out the Aries fire completely, so you would do well to consider carefully before starting this relationship.
n the next edition we’ll examine the qualities of those born under the sign of Taurus and where in the Zodiac they would find the best chance of success in love and romance.
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TIPS & ADVICE
H ow To Find a Great
Guy or Girl If you’re looking for a serious
relationship there’s no faster or easier way to meet someone than through online dating. It’s got to beat hanging out in a bar or club hoping someone you’re attracted to will show up. And even if you do spot a likely candidate is the person on their own? And do you have the necessary chutzpah to get off your stool and make an approach? Most don’t, and often let the opportunity pass them by. Surely, weeding out the Wrongs from the Rights from behind the comfort of your own
Online home beats spending countless Saturday nights on dates from hell? But is it really as simple as logging on, signing up and finding your soul mate? Perhaps not. But as an internet dater you’ve got the resources at your fingertips to find someone. Of course you’re going to meet a lot of turkeys – Toms or Hens – so don’t expect immediate success. There are many factors the discerning dater has to consider before setting out – starting
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TIPS & ADVICE
with ‘looks’. I’ve heard a million times the hackneyed statement that looks don’t matter, which is soon followed on with ‘the chemistry isn’t right’. What they really mean is they don’t like what they’re looking at – and if you don’t like what you’re looking at, what hope is there? So let’s get that out the way right from the start. If the face looking back at you doesn’t ring your bell, move on. And don’t forget the chassis. A well-maintained vintage classic might be preferable any day to a later model worn-out jalopy. Now that we’ve taken care of the physical, we can move on to what else is on offer. If you’re a philosophy graduate there’s no point hooking up with an airhead – it’s not going to go anywhere. You’ll get bored in no time, which means you have to seek out someone on the same mental level. Their interests may differ from yours, but the important thing is that they stimulate you intellectually. It means that you have to look beyond immediate physical attraction or surface charm. Ask yourself the question whether or not in a year from now you’ll still be captivated by his life-and-soul-of-theparty personality or will you tire of the wisecracks? Or will her preoccupation with her children and their daily dramas drive you to distraction? Do which it eventually will? Once you’re ready for a
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meeting with the person you’ve been emailing on the dating site, where should this best take place? My advice is to settle for a cup of coffee, and nothing more, just in case there’s a possibility of mistaken identity. Perhaps you were expecting the Camel Man – or Wonder Woman – and the person who showed up was nothing like their photo. All you want is to beat a hasty retreat … I think I hear my boss calling me! This is much more difficult to do if you’re on a dinner date – but if it’s only coffee, you’re free to leave after ten or fifteen minutes. And if you’re a woman meeting a man for the first time, choose a public place – and under no circumstances do you go to his place without meeting him in public beforehand.
“...you’ve already met someone and you’ve been on a date, but ...” Let’s say you’ve already met someone and you’ve been on a date, but it’s a mistake. He or she’s not right for you. How do you let them down easy, especially if they’re keen to continue? This is one of the most difficult things to do without causing hurt and bruising an ego. But you’ve got to do it or else you’re going to end up drifting along with someone you don’t want, and the longer it goes on, the more difficult and hurtful it’ll become when you finally can’t continue.as a friend, and although you admire their qualities, the special magic just isn’t there, and you’re
not prepared to settle for anything less. Sign off by saying that you would like to remain a friend and that you value their friendship, but you’re moving on. Something else that is often overlooked is locality. Right from the start, narrow your field of choice down to people who are within easy reach. Even with the best will in the world you will have difficulty maintaining a long-distance relationship. You want to be able to be spontaneous – meet for dinner or take in a movie without having to plan for days in advance and then spend hours travelling in either direction. Your dating site profile should allow you to filter preferences such as locality, age, religion, ethnicity and habits such as smoking, drinking, drug abuse etc. Finding the perfect match doesn’t happen overnight. In fact it’s difficult. So expect to wade through dozens, or even hundreds, of profiles and go on numerous coffee dates before you hit the jackpot. Perseverance is the watchword. And the good thing is that more and more singles are signing up – swelling the pool of likely candidates and offering you a much greater choice than you’re ever likely to find in your local pub.
TIPS & ADVICE
How to show him you're interested.
Make sure when you’re talking to him that you lean forward and face squarely towards him, and when you’re standing, move as close as possible towards him. Always maintain eye contact. When men and women meet someone of the opposite sex who interests them, they involuntarily raise their eyebrows. It’s a reaction very few are aware of – but it sends the message ‘I find you attractive.’ Linked to this are two other involuntary reactions: the lips part with a smile showing a flash of teeth and the nostrils flare.
question every woman wants Ttheheanswer to is how to show they’re interested without appearing desperate. Through the subtle use of body language you should be able to achieve exactly this. The skilful use of your legs, hands and posture can send him the right signals. It’s important to remember that by appearing distant you give the wrong impression and risk losing him.
Let’s set the scene. You’ve met a man over coffee and he’s in no hurry to leave – and neither are you. In fact you’d be happy to spend the rest of the day in his company. So, how to let him know you’re interested? Keeping your eyes locked on his tells him that he has all of your attention.
Assuming you’re wearing high heels – you didn’t really put on trainers did you? – make sure you’ve positioned yourself so he has a clear view of your legs and feet. Then allow your shoe to slip off your foot and dangle temptingly from your toes. The message you’re sending says you’d like to be in a situation (with him) where you could remove your shoes. In addition by occasionally crossing and uncrossing your legs you’ll communicate your sexual attraction to him. Using the opposite hand, bring your arm across your front and gently massage the side of your neck. This tells him that your neck is a part of you you’d like to have kissed.
A slow swipe with the tip of your tongue between your lips conveys the message that something about him is getting to you. It’s got to be done just right so as not be confused with drooling over a plate of food. Part your lips lightly and allow the tip of your tongue to run gently along the entire length of the inside of your lips. What you should avoid doing is to fold your arms across your chest. This is a very defensive movement and literally tells him that your breasts are out of bounds to him. It’s the exact opposite to leaning towards him with your chest thrust forward and your arms apart. And if you keep gazing about you while he’s leaning forward and talking to you, you may as well be telling him that you’re ready to leave. If you remember to employ these tactics – and the man is aware of them – the next time you’re on a date with someone you’re attracted to, you’ll increase your chances of success considerably. Edition 1 - 2011