SAL THE SNOWMAN and the Sword that Saved Xmas
SAL the SNOWMAN and the
SWORD that Drunken Penguine Books a KWTF/JDAR company production 221B W. Main St. RVA Text copywrong 21 Dec. 2012 Illy copywhatthehell: it’s my birthday All rights reservéd! Library of Congress said it didn’t want this book.
SAVED CHRISTMAS first edition.
SAL the SNOWMAN Summary: The fuzz got drunk one night and wrote this. It took Jimbo a long ass time to do the drawin’. BLAH BLAH BLAH, LOOK, HE’S BITCHING AGAIN ISBN: GTFO-1939-9399-0
SWORD that Reading Level: 1st grade. No wait, Kindergarten.
So one time, the Fuzz got our FCC license revoked after he accidently left the mic on in the studio while boning an intern. I’m still bitter about it. Remember kids, turn off the mic when you’re givin’ a lady the business.
Pictures by Jimbo, words by the Fuzz
For Mary Oâ€™Brien, the only reason Jimbo and I are penis cousins.
â€˜Twas the night before Christmas when Sal the Snowman first felt the magic. The hard packed snow of his body creaked and cracked. His coal eyes opened and he found himself in a desolate wasteland. Sure, snow was falling, but it was NUCLEAR SNOW. Around him lay the bodies of his creators, little Johnny and Sue, victims of radiation poisoning. The world was under a cloud of soot and ash from the nuclear war which had occured earlier that year. A nuclear winter had descended upon the holiday season. Sal stretched his snow legs and began to look around. There wasnâ€™t much to see. Just dead people.
Then, out of Deus ex machina, a thunderous roar echoed through the sky -- and what should appear? A sleigh and eight tiny reindeer! “Ho! Ho! Ho!” came the cry, as Santa landed by Sal. “Sal the Snowman! How are you doing this fine eve?” “Not too great, Pére Nöel, all of my friends left me alone on Christmas!” said Sal with a tear. “Yes, I can see that,” Santa said kicking aside a corpse. “Well, don’t you fear Sal, we’ll make everything right as rain.” “Where are we going, Santa?” Sal asked. “Outer space! Ho! Ho! Ho!” Santa replied. 3
Then Santa flew out beyond the mesosphere into outer space. Down below, the charred earth looked kind of like an avante-garde Christmas ornament.
Santaâ€™s sleigh picked up speed and orbited around the earth backwards a bunch of times, like in Superman II. And then everything was Back to Normal.
Oh yeah. Then Santa gave Sal a sword, which wasn’t a whole lot of help, ‘cause Sal melted that spring.
MERRY XMAS AND NEW YEARS
A loveable snowman averts the tragic fate looming before the holiday we all love best.