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100 POEMS IN A DAY 2012 BY JAMIE DOUGHTY

Copyright © 2012 Jamie Doughty All rights reserved.


#1 Impersonation of a Troll I am a troll I live in a bowl I have just one goal I’m eating a roll I sleep with a vole Harvesting souls Riding a foal Yes yes yawl


#2 Overdone Pizza Watching something important Things happened today The oven continues Bread and cheese and tomato Pepperoni and olives Burnt to a cinder The best episode of the news I have ever seen


#3 Neanderthal Umpire It’s in his DNA His cheeky little face Put him in his place He got it so so wrong Don’t worry though He can’t be bothered Over there chatting In the doorway of Spar Standing in dog poo


#4 You can’t see Them Because They are Immersed in That Sofa Twenty quids worth of coffee and cakes Messing around on the touchscreens How ya diddling? Diddling nice You is diddling me That wasn’t my original intention Shall we just get on with everything I think that is the best idea you have ever had


#5 Receptacle of Glass Jars What is in there? What is in there? Some Jars Some Jars When are you coming home? When are you coming home? Later Later


#6 Break Off a Piece of That for us Break off a piece of that for us I’m fed up of waiting for this bus Going to make such a big fuss When it turns up eventually Break off a piece of that for us Where is the bloody bus Eh? Eh? Eh? Eh? Eh? Eh? Eh? Honestly this will be the fuss of all fuss I think it’s broken down


#7 New Jiffy Bag Papery and sandy brown Padded A5 sized bag Logo printed on the back Sticky bit to seal it up When I’ve shoved this thing in it Someone bought it off me I made a bit of a loss At least that’s it out of the house


#8 Game, Set and Matching Socks and Shoes Really really really really clever Chasing a toy on a string Don’t forget to go to the toilet After you’ve flicked through that catalogue You say you don’t want to go I can see it in your eyes porky pies The place is in a mess On a cold and frosty morning


#9 Realm of the Yoghurt Tops Realm of the Yoghurt Tops Street full of pound shops All playing COD BLOPS Key all the cops The fun never ever stops A good collection of props All paying for COD BLOPS In the Realm of the Yoghurt Tops


#10 Ming’s Mindless Musings There is something down there Next to that bench I need some pork scratchings To go with this pint of cider He’s got a couple of quid on If he scores first he’ll be quids in I’m not a gambling man But he won’t get the drinks in

Title suggested by Dan Packe


#11 4am Nightmare In a boat somewhere in Cardiff Looking at the new releases Then onto an off license An old mate is getting married I think I went along to congratulate them It all went wrong when I tried To congratulate them I started shouting It was a 4am nightmare All enquiries this way please


#12 Successful applicant Did the covering letter Did the form Did the equal opportunities thing Did the CV Did the someone put a good word in Did the interview Did the 2nd interview Did the job Did the leaving do Did the dole queue


#13 OMG you are so zany OMG you are so zany I can’t believe you said that I thought you were brainy I can’t believe you are wearing that tie It looks so wacky I think I might cry OMG you are so zany I can’t believe you did that When outside it’s rainy You ate the only umbrella in the house Then lay down and went to sleep


#14 Don’t Fall Out Over It Shiny shiny floor Who did it? I don’t know You must do I must not You must do I must not You must do I must not We need more milk Actually run out


#15 Pant Aroma Crispy noodles Flowerpot men licking batteries Wooly leathery Biscuity mohair Washing basket #16 Inaudible Banter Oh I hate that word so much I know what you mean I’m so easily offended Yeah tell me about it I’m like so thick skinned Really? Put the heating on It’s the only way today


#17 Exotic location at the bottom of the stairs Bin liners and bobble hats Will not be required ever again Got my yellow and blue bermudas on Two quid flip flops Fat Willy’s vest top I’m raving up the A roads Got full house on my bingo card Playing the keytar Check out my moves


#18 Awake and Enlightened Like a beat of a bass drum Four to the floor Like the heat of laptop Keeping your cat warm Like the meat in the pie That wasn’t so fresh Yet awake and enlightened after a good sesh


#19 I was on this Yacht Can you hear that goose making all that noise You thought that goose was long gone didn’t you That goose will always be around until the other week Looking like a goose wandering down the alleyway Checking up on a goose winding up a broken watch Standing on the corner with a goose on a lead Opening the door and finding a goose on a tray On every front page is a goose chasing robots


#20 The Volume of the Melody was Offensive Always complaining and never complimenting Tap on the door but nothing happens In fact it was more of that one chord Maybe two my memory isn’t what it used to be So there was rhythm and a tune to go with it There was a beat and there were definitely lyrics Free CD on the front of a magazine is where it came from Did it stay with you forever in the charity shop?


#21 Absurdly Suspicious One litre of mickey taking About all he could take She carried on until Wednesday By then it was too late He had been to the retail park Bought a decent sized shed Put in in his garden Was never seen again


#22 Half-Baked Intentions Great results You better mention that That was OK Stay with us now Is there a point to this? Scientific discovery Contact the badger Look at that chin High rollers Subconscious crisps


#23 End of the call Hanging about with them Holding onto you handlebars Through the cuffs of your sweatshirt Not a colourful item between us She tells him to ring back Fifteen minutes later


#24 Island Content Zooming past at 5.45AM Looked out into the distance Miles of nothing 20 Berkeley Menthol Locked to the railings Made a cock up Smells hideous 6 Day week


#25 They are all a Con How it looks to a gerbil Chewing on another cable If you were not able to make it You should have told us earlier Now we give you a guilt trip Even though theres plenty of us No way things will not go to plan In fact you are surplus to requirements Go on Off you pop


#26 Someone Already Invented That Mate Someone already invented that mate There’s no need for you to bother Someone already invented that mate So can you just stick to what you do best Someone already invented that mate You’ve missed the boat again Someone already invented that mate Stay out of the dragons den


#27 Sulking Gibbons Faffing around on the beach The latest hats the latest ponchos Watching the sunset Ere oi goes down the barbers Does ya get summat tram loines Oi never torks loike that You does oi tells ya Oi does the vees at ya Faffing around on the beach The latest hats the latest ponchos Watching the sunset


#28 Overwhelming Stench of Pork You need one of these You could be a winner What a lovely party Floating around in space Listening to the radio Singing along to jingles Overwhelming stench of pork Overwhelming stench of pork


#29 This Evening Will be Mint Like loads of us all like mashing up the place Larging it to the point of proper large and that Lasers are like everywhere and like it’s so mega Yeah I like said mega I like said mega mega mega Yeah like fireworks hands in the air people People hands in the air and then burgers Might as well all come back to mine like


#30 Wicked cushions As long as you’ve got wicked cushions Somethings got to be right I suppose What can’t you even make your own coffee? Greetings cards Greetings cards Why are you in such a flap again hmm? Dry your hair before you go out remember


#31 Hot Drinks Evolved Navy Blue circle Royal blue circle Within sky blue circle Sky blue hoop Royal blue hoop Sky blue circle Navy blue hoop Royal blue circle Within sky blue circle Royal blue hoop Sky blue hoop Gold plastic top


#32 Utter Sickness Compass The hounds showed him the way to the bungalow The door was locked so he kicked it right in Not a problem because he is properly insured I mean properly Opening the wardrobe was the biggest mistake There were spooks hiding inside it again He had forgotten about last time until now


#33 The Emblem that made no Impact She hopped off the roof and landed silently Tripped him up and gave him what for The po po had been after him for months Now justice can be done finally As the lights flash and sirens blare She disappears into the night They will know she saved the day She did her trademark move Stuck a smiley face sticker to his coat


#34 Piss on my Onesie Really excited I can’t hide it Piss on my onsie Really tried to fight it Piss on my onesie Really made an effort Piss on my onesie Really really badly sadly Piss on my onesie Piss on my onesie


#35 Terrified at 12.10 That went down the wrong way First time that had happened This afternoon looks bleak Cardboard hat Cardboard face Cardboard tash #36 Go and get some out of the drawer She said you need a glass of water You should listen to her ok I’ll go and get you one if you like No I’m not listening to any of it The whole lot of it is rubbish You said it sunshine


#37 Lime Cordial is Not Something I Purchase Often If you are popping down to the shops later Get yourself one thing you wouldn’t usually No need to spend too much though When you return home put it in the cupboard That’s it. Right at the back Try and forget about it now if you can Can you? But can you?


#38 Some of the Staff are Miserable but Some of Them are Nice Do you feel welcome have you thought about that? Are you here to just get on with it or mess about? There are options in between here and there What on Earth are they because I can’t remember You should have a good look at the manual Make your decision after plenty of thought

#39 Beep on the Nose Scratch that ear Beep that nose Blink that eye Wobble that chin Flick that hair Let’s go


#40 Resembling a Horse Will you stop drinking that wine for a bit That cannot happen today or yesterday Do something about it or whatever it is A plank of wood and some other planks Looking like a race horse again today Tic tac it all the way down the road Went to Dublin but they won’t let you in That’s when it all went wrong isn’t it


#41 Crying Taurine Tears All packed up with nowhere to go Until someone slaps a label on In serious trouble now until then There is no signal at all now Everyone is uncomfortable Everyone is sighing

#42 You are Hired for Sure The wild wild west ping pong table Where it all happens I tell you The wild wild west ping pong table Has been here for centuries The wild wild west ping pong table Yeeeeeeeeee Haaaaaaaaaaah


#43 Underground Dressing Table There are so many jewels in it They are all lined up and tidy The red ones Next to the green ones Next to the blue ones Next to the yellow ones You will never find it Hidden underground With a hairbrush and a can of mousse


#44 Extreme quiet time Going to have a lie down On this rug now I can hear crunching Now it has stopped Have a bit of a doze A bit of a proper doze #45 Impressing No One Compiled by experts and only the very best The absolute most wanted items ever made Loads more different golden stuff is here We ensure everything will be unlocked There are infinite items for you to try So come along now sort it out matey


#46 Would the Owner of the Raleigh Grifter Please Move it Booming over the tannoy like an amplified ox A commanding voice if ever I’ve heard one Almost sounded like they were putting it on Been assured that is certainly not the case This is how things get done around here Get that D lock off and be quick about it #47 Throw the Fight Never had this option before now Suppose it’s one way to earn a living Then again that will be game over No chance of retiring on that amount What’s it going to be then champ? How about no No


#48 Any Three Records for One Pound There must be hundreds here It will take all day to go through them Good thing I have a bit of time on my hands Some might say too much time Well I will have three records for a pound Maybe six as I have two pounds #49 Blue Bump Kick and punch All in the blue bump Tickle and jiggle All in the blue bump Not long now All in the blue bump


#50 Yes I’ll have a starter Yes I’ll have a starter I have made up my mind I will have a pudding too And then I can unwind

#51 We Hope You Are Wearing Gloves Dishwasher dishwasher dishwasher dishwasher We hope you are wearing gloves Dishwasher dishwasher dishwasher dishwasher We hope you are wearing gloves Dishwasher dishwasher dishwasher dishwasher We hope you are wearing gloves Dishwasher dishwasher dishwasher dishwasher We hope you are wearing gloves


#52 A bit overcast isn’t it Could do with a little bit of sunshine According to them it won’t happen Not in the next seven days anyway You say that but the light isn’t on I’m thinking about putting it on now Better had now I’m thinking about it #53 Give You a Bit of Advice Ok I understand That makes perfect sense Doing it now Heard that works Making a note of that Thank you


#54 Come on Team And with that they just got on with it They got the result they needed Went on to become the champions Champions of the world Champions of the galaxy Champions of the universe


#55 What Wages? Friday equals wages That’s what it’s all about If you don’t have no wages You will start to doubt That you can pay you landlord So make sure that you do Get your wages on a Friday Or you’ll be feeling blue #56 Today’s Events They are having a race Eating out of a wooden bowl Wearing a bandana Doing triple jump Outside a block of flats Between the teepees


#57 Leisurely Stroll into the Next Century Jet pack on Giant spiders Litter the streets Plasma gun Everything else Looks the same As it did back then Standing around Having a chat


#58 Spare Ribs and Chips Playing darts badly Around the clock Three four five Hours later It continues Fifteen Sixteen Seventeen Spare Ribs And chips


#59 There Will be a Short Delay Just wait for a bit Then wait a bit longer Then wait for a really long time Then continue to wait some more Until nothing happens Keep waiting It will be worth it #60 Titanically Proportioned Tea Titanically Proportioned Tea Compared to that one over there Miniscule tea bag and spoon Compared to this over here What’s it all about? Who can tell?


#61 In the Pouch In the pouch there is a baby one A baby gorilla with flippers There is nothing wrong with that It’s the mother’s pouch The mother is a gorilla with flippers I said there is nothing wrong #62 Wonky Teeth We have wonky yellow teeth out here In there they are all straight and white I like my wonky yellow teeth out here I hope they like their straight white ones


#63 Lap of Honour With pint in hand He did a lap of the whole pub Alright mate? How’s things? Chatting to everyone Really nice chap Finishes his drink Then goes home It’s 9.30 AM


#64 Remember That Loophole A row of suitable tins Sitting on the shelf Not seen that before Might get one Promotional offer Seals the deal The tokens expire Months ago


#65 Unable to Attend I was hiding in some long grass These lizards with pointy teeth Had been following me They lurked about for a bit Then they wandered off I’m a bit shook up though So I won’t be out tonight


#66 Amazing Shoes For dancing For jogging For walking For jumping For kicking For stamping For sneaking For running Amazing shoes


#67 Vintage Afternoon It’s the nineteen seventies Everybody is having fun Down at the discotheque Ere give us yer fur coat Oi will go and ang it up You looks a million bucks Let’s ave a boogie now


#68 Get out Quick Nope too late too late You won’t get away now So you might as well sit tight You are in for the long haul Nip out for a cigarette In a few hours Then make your escape Don’t hang about Or you’ll be here all day


#69 Not to my Knowledge Anyway Having a go on a treadmill Looking out the window now Someone dances past With a grin on their face Then another and another Another and another Another and another Another and another


#70 Bland on the Outside Bland on the outside Bland on the inside Bland at the top Bland in the middle Bland at the bottom Bland over here Bland over there No one cares Got a few spares No one cares Magic bland


#71 Everybody Sneaks in Through the Cat Flap It was supposed to be a surprise That was the idea anyway The plan was fundamentally flawed I think you get the idea Next time we will get it right There will be a next time Same time next week then Or the week after that I suppose


#72 Cheap Electrical Appliance Bottom of the range Not recommended Better insure it In case it breaks It will break Nonsense The cheap ones Last just as long Sometimes longer


#73 Do a Puzzle if you get Bored Swivel 360 degrees with wooden utensils A rich and smooth expanded set up This rabbit hutch has a brilliant run Watching it all from my inflatable chair Beige Jodhpurs and a metal detector Are trying their very best every time


#74 Selection of Eyeballs Not much to look at really Can you smell smoke? Waving the flag all day long Them flowers need to go Empty handed for a while Pass us the remote control This is the best monorail I’m pointing at you


#75 That Nosey Character Wandering around Beverley Hills Lots to do and much more to see They live around here do they I never would have thought that I better get on with my shopping Before everything closes today When I was in the queue Guess who was behind me yeah #76 Nine Broken Bleach Bottles Nine Broken Bleach Bottles Standing on a wall Accidentally fall over Did it on purpose actually They said I cried wolf I never


#77 Ducking to Avoid Attention Been here all day Now I just have to clock out Without anyone seeing me Just a little game I play To help the hours pass Last week I got promoted Because I am really productive


#78 Jinxed for Definite Then a monster from outer space Bit him hard on the arse She tried to stop it from happening There was no chance of that It shot up the chimney At the speed of sound Not the most advanced creature I think it won though #79 Unusual Behavior Notified of today’s offers That is something I check Instantly That is not happening Until later now What an odd chap


#80 Anyone here from round the corner? They had just enough points to clinch it That secured all the prizes and the cash Made the decision to gamble the lot Doubled their winnings and got the holiday That’s big money now you know Just forget about all of it straight away #81 Put That In The Diary Will You Satellite dish Windsock Extractor Fan Roller Door If she gets all of those This Christmas It will be a the best ever


#82 Over There it be Over there it be Oi sees it loike Oi goes over to it Then oi goes back Oi looks at moy watch Oi ave missed um again #83 Neat and organised Stack of Boxes In the first box Is a box In the next box Is a box In the next box Is a box In the next box Is a box


In the next box Is a box In the next box Is a box In the next box Is a phone It rings You answer it Recorded message Tells you to run Do not stop running


#84 All Inclusive Package With Extra Burgers And Rum There is a gap between the bottom of the door and the floor It lets in a bit of a breeze but that’s ok it’s been really warm Apart from that bit of a breeze there is nothing to worry about Can you hear them walking up and down the corridor at night They were shouting the other night as well it woke me up We are having a great time and we are laughing like mad


#85 The Art of Recovering From Broken Concentration On demand woollen toys That’s what it’s about You know the fashion You know what time it is Get them some raffle tickets Fancy dress my friend


#86 Talking About Carbon Talking about carbon Not for very long It was a simple conversation Followed by a song He took off his glasses Then removed his hat Wiped his feet on the mat What the hell was that?


#87 Gravity Defying Buses Are Not That Far Off During a friendly game of cards Marketplaces filled with trinkets They wore every single badge Grand piano is making posters Around by the bins somewhere Such a frosty reception though #88 Fragile but Winning Energise the spine Get up in a minute Wobbling around Oh my goodness Is it broken? Is it broken?


#89 View from somewhere around here Camping in woods with reptiles Lettuce in the bag over there A stuffed donkey looks at water With a really big old rabbit She just put another bet on The tent is just a trophy now


#90 Ever Seen a Dressing Gown Like That One? Ever seen a dressing gown like that one? With spiders down the arm and leaves Stuck on with Pritt Stick A secret pocket for stashing tobacco The lining is all fluffy and orange It was in the sale a few years ago Seventy percent off I seem to remember Might have been seventy five though


#91 Everything Appears to be in Order So there will be no need for any grief Leave that one exactly where it is now No need to touch that button or that one Fly around if you really want to people We can bake some bread later on see Put that in the chest when you finish The wooden chest over in the corner #92 My Lucky Jogging Suit My lucky jogging suit Lucky lucky lucky My lucky jogging suit My lucky jogging suit Lucky lucky lucky My lucky jogging suit


#93 Outside It’s Raining But Inside It’s Wet Last week he learned every trick in the book Yes he wears his hat like that too The tongues on his shoes are like that He has one of them beards like that He learned the tricks in ninety six Before that he was a miserable sod #94 Invisible Taxi Busy tonight? Not really Thought it would be Being payday Too close to Christmas Oh I suppose Had a good night? Yes it was alright


#95 Embassy Mild Cheddar As long as they got fags and food That’s the main thing innit eh? Plenty more where that came from Right I’ve got to get a move on You know what I mean like Otherwise it’ll be next time


#96 Ring Them up I Would Should have heard by now Maybe the forgot Ring them up I would In a bit In a bit In a bit In a bit In a bit In a bit #97 Exactly Whinging Got a cold Got a cough Getting old Touching cloth


#98 Nobody Here at all is There Someone drives down an empty street With the radio on full blast They don’t notice the lack of people Singing at the top of their lungs Nobody here at all is there Until they turn into the next road


#99 Ingredients are Incorrect Cardboard Wonga Super Giraffe Vitamins Serving Suggestion Best before date 750 grams Barcode


#100 Overdone it and Could Have Come a Cropper Overdone it and could have come a cropper Not even sure that this has been done proper Have a look in the freezer Have a look in the fridge Four years interest free credit That’s buggered it all up then


These 100 poems were written in one day by Jamie Doughty on 30/11/12 By the same author Leaving Present What an Absolute Load of not my Cup of Splosh Rats With Wings Have Feelings Too Memory Card For more information visit www.jamiedoughty.com

100 poems in a day 2012 by jamie doughty  
100 poems in a day 2012 by jamie doughty  
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