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THE COMEBACK KID

JOHN MULANEY FT. GT WALSHEIM PRO


We’ve all gone

TOO BIG too fast...


...and run out of roo


WE’VE ALL MADE A


HAPPY H D T A R Y I B SIGN


YOU GET THAT POSTER BOARD UP, AND YOU’RE LIKE:

I don’t need

to trace it.

uld be.

ig letters sho

I know how b

...TO BEGIN WITH:


A BIG ASS


..FOLLOWED BY:

A BIG ASS


AND...


OH, NO.


OH GOD.

Okay, alright.


P

‘ ’

Real skinny

with a high hump...

SORT OF LIKE A MOTORCAR

P

SIDECAR SITUATION

and then we’ll put the second ‘p’

below the hump of that first ‘p.’


...and now I have NO ROOM for the ‘y.’ ...so I’ll do a curled up noodle ‘y.’

Cursive

BLOCK LETTERS and

look good together...

...right?


BEING MARRIED IS SO NICE. I never knew relationships were supposed to make you feel better about yourself.

That’s not really a joke, that’s just a little sweet thing I like to say.


‘Cause I’d been in relationships where I got

D E T A CHE ON like, long ones.


‘And, when, uh, I was a kid, I would watch America’s Most Wanted.

AND I WOULD ALWAYS THINK TO MYSELF,


How could another person

KILL SOMEONE? How could a human being... ...KILL another human being?


BUT THEN I GOT CHEATED ON,


D AN

IKE, AS L IW

OH, OKAY.


I’M NOT GONNA DO IT...


BUT I TOTALLY GET IT...


...anybody who’s seen

and met

my dick my parents...


NEEDS TO DIE.

I CAN’T HAVE THEM ROAMING AROUND.


I talked to a lot of people... before I got engaged, you know. and I heard this expression... about, like...

whether or not...


...you should

get married...

This is an OLD expression, people say this: they say...


Why buy the cow...


...when you can get

the milk for free?


It-it’s a

BANANAS INSULTING

expression...

...to an ENTIRE gender ...but also, it makes no sense.


You’re not allowed to milk a cow that you don’t own...

That’s not even a situation


Was that a problem at one point? Like, in the dairy community? Was that happening 100 years ago? In some village?


Some DUTCH PRICK was sneaking in at night like:

“AH-HA-HA, I take your milk!” and THE FARMER was like:

“Then this is your cow now!” and then HE was like:

“NO, no proof of purchase!”

Y-You know what that-you know what that saying means, right? It means...


Why would you marry...


...a woman if she’s already

having sex with you?

Which has nothing to do with what relationships are even like anymore.


Now, it’s like,

Why buy the cow?


uh well

like maybe because, EVERY DAY, the cow asks you when you’re gonna buy it.... And…you live in a really small apartment with the cow, so like, you can’t avoid that question at all.


And also, the cow is way better at arguing than you are.


And the cow grew up in a family that knows how to argue.


uh maybe because, EVERY TIME, another cow gets bought, you have to go to...


THE SALE

and you have to sit next to your cow at the sale...


and your cow looks over at you the entire time like‌


MOOOO


BUT, FOR REAL...


YOU GUYS.


Why buy the cow?


Because you love her. You really do.

The Comeback Kid  

A book using John Mulaney's standup The Comeback Kid.

The Comeback Kid  

A book using John Mulaney's standup The Comeback Kid.

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