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My first and only child. When I first felt you kick, I was proud of the woman I became and in the state that I was in to have you. I was scared due to my heart problems that I couldn't conceive you or even have you. But God brought you to me, a healthy 7lbs 2oz baby boy. My life was complete as soon as I saw that one eye open when they laid you on my chest. I saw myself in your eyes, my life flashed before me and I was complete.

Your Father and I conceived you on my 21st birthday. It was a night of pure bliss and who would of thought something so special and beautiful would come of it? I vow to never have you want for anything. Teach you what my Mother never taught me. Never neglect you and place you second to no man. Always have your back through whatever. Spoil you with knowledge and remind you to keep God first. Make sure you get a good education and help if you need it. If there is anything you would ever need and I got it, It's yours. If there's something you want, I'll get it. When you get older and those grades are good, you will be rewarded. I want you to know even though Daddy hasn't been at his best with you while your young, I pray he changes to be more in your life. I want you to know that even though me and daddy isn't together despite the circumstances, I want you to know, I love you so much. We love you so much despite this decision that has been made while your only eight months. I tried so hard to make it work and raise you under the same roof with both of us being the faces you saw when you woke up. I tried so hard not to be the statistic. Just know I didn't want to drop you off to your Father for a couple days and he share moments with you without me present. Just know I didn't want

your Father to drop you off to my place when he was done spending time with you, I wanted us to be a Family. I wanted us to share those special moments of your life growing up together. Not in separate households. But this is the way it ended and how it's going to be & I'll always remember the day you were born and we were happy together and happy to have you in our life when you finally arrived.

I love you Jaidon Donte Small. With all my heart. When I look into those pretty brown eyes that's undeniably shaped like your Father's, I see love. I see the Greatest Creation I ever made. Besides my graphic design career, my talented vocals, my self written 400+ poetry collection, you are the best thing to happen to me. Your my little Prince. I'm a Mother now, everything else is second to you. I'm giving you my best, my all without any regrets. My needs and wants will come second to yours as they have been. I love you Pooda Butt. Mommy loves you so much. ***

I want to thank my Uncle George for being there when no one else was there. He gets up every morning to take me to work and is there to pick me up. I promise I'm getting my License soon, Lol. My Aunt Rita, Thank you so much for all that you do. My Big Brother Andre, Thank you for being the best big brother a girl could possibly have, I love you!

Jessica, your friendship and bluntness mean so much to me. I love you forever Gumdrop :) No but seriously, when everyone else failed with their Loyalty, yours remained concrete and 100. Love you cousin/sister.

Sean and 'Chellie: You guys have been Jonathan and I best friends since forever. We have shared secrets and held confessions under the Coffee Tables [insider] and at one of our Favorite Restaurants. But our special moments haven't been always surrounded by Liquor. We have went to Halloween Horror Nights two years in a row. You guys introduced me to a lot and opened my eyes that we can have interracial friendship without feeling some odd type of way. I can go to you two about anything. I always run to Sean with my problems but 'Chellie, you have always gave me advice as well during this hard time in this break up. wouldn't trade our friendship for nothing in the world. You two have been by my side, whether it was for Jaidon or my bond, you guys offered your help. I'm forever grateful and truly blessed you have people I can call my friends. I love you two!

Yuri: Our friendship has been strong since forever. You have meant so much to me since we first met and still do. I care about you a lot, always have and will. Thank you for being someone I can talk to, vent to about my darkest times without being Judged. I have so much love for you and I know the feeling is mutual, well in your words, “Ditto”. Your responses haven‘t always been the most soothing because sometimes the Truth can cut like a knife but I appreciate you keeping it nothing less than real and not sugar coating anything with me, speaking of Sugar tho..[insider]. Xoxo.

Brittany, thank you for doing my hair when I need it! Naw but thank you for being someone I can run to about anything. Love you girl.

Karega, You have been there whenever I need to vent through text or by phone. At times I wished it was more than just a silly crush, but You have been nothing less than a friend in which I’m forever grateful of the friendship we do have and couldn't ask for anything more. Thank you for being there when I needed it most.

Special Thanks to:: Xtacy Santana, Brian "Mapp", Angie, Chyna, RichBoyGFX "Teach", Jerrica, Janay, Pearl, Chastity, Reisha, Mia, Lainy, QB, DJ Joe Crunk, DJ HeadBussa, Ball [My best friend, aka known as being the man tatted on my wrist], If I left anyone out, I'm sorry. Blame my head, not my heart, But you know I love you and thank you all and enjoy the read!

Loyalty x Ambition, JB!

Once upon a time, there lived.. Na Let me stop. This isn’t some Fairytale I would want you guys to believe I lived. While I was with John it was some of the best moments of my life. We worked the same shifts, come home showered, cooked and ate dinner together then close our eyes together and wake up and do it all over again. It took a toll on him being around me each and everyday and even though I didn’t need my space, he did. He made sure he played basketball after every work shift and spend countless hours shouting in front of that PS3 losing and sometimes winning to the game of NBA Live. Not a day went by where we got mad at each other and then made up to some of the raunchiest sex ever known and then laugh when it’s all said and done. It was hard at first when people tooted their nose up at our relationship, people slandered my

name, his name. During those periods of time I don’t know what went through his mind, but I knew something advised me to turn around but I let my heart overrule my thoughts. I was too attached to turn back now. Everyone was trying to convince me that this was the right choice. He’s a good guy, he will absolutely have your best interest at heart. While on the other hand, there were people trying to persuade me to get out while it was still early, but I was falling and there was nothing and no one to catch me, but John did. He held out his arms to welcome me into his life. I’ve blogged about our relationship’s ups and downs, drama, infidelity & most memorable moments. Welcome to his world while I was in it.


Avatar Mode On These Bitches. I never proclaimed to be what everyone else want's me to be. I've always been that crazy ass chick through out high school. But would beat a bitch ass if necessary. Lately I've been distant from alotta muthafuckas. You bitches is hypocrites and far from loyal. I've been many things in these almost 21 years in Aug. life of mine but one thing I haven't been is, disloyal. I've been crossed by bitches with no harm to any of them but now I only trust one bitch on one hand and one finger.

I'm distant with you bitches for a reason. Yeah I'm friendly because not all females grimy, not all females intentions is to talk bad behind your back and gossip every day. But all girls like to gossip, some say they don't when they do. I'd like to talk about females and their loyalty & unnecessary shit that's been going on for some time now. I've been humorous all my life and I’m a stay that way til’ I get gray. I do NOT, I repeat DO NOT give a flying fuck what you BITCHES may label or think of me. You bitches, niggas too, Read my books and command me for actually putting my life story and my previous promiscuous lifestyle out their for people to read. I don't give a fuck if you understand my story, feel sympathetic or feel sorry. I release my emotions into paper and pen. I know the consequences for my actions before I act. See you suppose to actually think before you act & I think I'm one of the few that actually uses my brain. Now with you bitches actually using my story against me is unnecessary. How you gone idolize me and commend me for my story but slander away thinking my past going to hurt my present relationship and shit? You broads holla’ you real but you bitches characters bruh‘. & Let's not forget you niggas. You muthafuckas didn't even think about J.B until I was snatched up but It's always

like that. You niggas don't have any KIND ; TYPE of respect but so do you bitches. Running around here thinking I owe you/yall some type of explanation for anything I do. Bitches got it clearly mistaken. Laugh & Smile in my face like nothing is wrong like you just didn't slander my name to J.S and pour your heart out like his ears is your diary. The ones that holla they the most REAL be the FLAWEST. Point blank period. The ring didn't make you bitches mad enough? The tattoo didn't make you bitches skin crawl enough? Wait til' you see what's up his sleeve next. We the only one that matters. Accept that shit. If its FUCK US then the feeling is MUTUAL. We don't give a fuck about you humans. Lol. We in str8 AVATAR MODE. Dear Earth You Should See OUR View.

CHAPTER two “by my side”

I could feel myself get sicker and sicker by the minute. Every time I turned around my fevers are at an all-time high. There were days were they were 102.6 and 104.1. I went in and out of the Emergency Room every other week and they just sent me home on the strength of antibiotics and instructions to drink Gatorade. I couldn't drink anything, let alone keep anything down. I just felt so weak, my body ached every single day. I went to work to try and make some money but kept getting sent home due to my weakened body strength by the time the clock struck 7:00pm, and I just had clocked in at 4:00pm! I finally took the time to build up enough strength to call out from work and actually demand answers from the Emergency Room. They took my vitals and temperature was 104.1. They took my information like normal, such as Medical information. The hospital was cold, and slow as usual. It took every breath in my body to not go off and have them speedy up this process and fetch me a room. They placed me in a room by myself. I was the only patient in this big ass room with a nice sized Flat Screen Television propped in the corner of it, showing what it looked like to be CNN. The phlebotomist rode her cart full of tubes in my room. She was nice but seemed very Jittery, she smelled of Cigarettes. I can tell by the expression on her face that she wasn't happy about her "Smoke Break" being interrupted by drawing blood, but she kept her fake happy expression and drawled a total of eight tubes of blood. She took four from my right arm, she bandaged it. She took four from the top of my left hand. Bandages and IV were now covering my "Getta" tattoo. I had a total of two IV's. One in my Right Arm and one on my Left Hand. Something told me something wasn't right. I hated to give blood as much as I hated to be wheeled in the X-Ray room to take a look inside of my chest. My chest had been rattling, wheezing like crazy. They put me on some breathing machine for about Ten Minutes. I powered my

phone on and saw I had missed calls from John. That put a smile on my face. He texted me to see if I was alright, I sent him a picture message of the IV in my arm and he replied with a sad face. He actually kept checking on my every hour on the hour. Our little text conversation came to an abrupt end when the Doctor came in with my test results. Doctor Lykes came into my room, he had a foreign look to him and when he spoke his accent confirmed my thoughts. He has a German accent that was very heavy although it seemed as though it clashed with his English. He put his hands together and stated, "Here's what you have." You have been diagnosed with Mononucleosis. My eyes grew wide because I study my STD's and Diseases faithfully, and that was something I never read about. He informed me that Mononucleosis is a viral infection causing fever, sore throat, and swollen lymph glands, especially in the neck. He said it is often spread by saliva and close contact. It is known as "the kissing disease," and occurs most often in those age 15 to 17. However, the infection may develop at any age. I broke into tears, he smiled and told me everything is alright and that it can go away soon. Even after hearing that I still was disappointed in myself. Here I am, almost nine months out of my Promiscuous Lifestyle and I find out something like this? Just when I slowed down, got my life in order, an occupation and everything, here I'm hit with this. Well, that explained what has me so weak and the high random fevers. They discharged me with what to take for my fever to go away and what to look for in the future. I understood it could easily go away but I was still hurt. I informed John of what happened, I explained the symptoms and cause and he told me everything would be Okay and that no matter what happens he wasn't going anywhere. I asked him, what if you are infected? He took a minute but looked me in my eyes and said, I’d still be here. This reminded me of when I thought I had a STD and when I went to the Doctor and they told me I was clean, clear and free of ANYTHING, I was extremely overwhelmed. Here I am going through two of the biggest roughest times of my entire life that I caused and he continued to stay by my side, with words of

assurance that he is here to stay and whatever I needed, I can find it in him.

CHAPTER THREE “BACK AND FORTH” John and I were inseparable. We started to flirt at work. Kiss in between me stocking my front counter. Everyday I was anxious to get to work just to flirt with him and laugh at his Jokes. He would wink at me every time I walk pass the grill and send me little cute text messages that would make my day.

That came on the days his other “Boo Thang” wasn't scheduled to work. I really didn't know her like that, just knew that we shared the same last name. We never spoke to each other, just worked our shifts and that was that. I just knew one day, I tried to flirt with him in the grill he brushed me off. I found it funny but didn't think nothing of it. On my scheduled break, I text him and asked him what was the problem. He then informed me that the girl working front counter with me was someone he has been talking to and didn't want her to think nothing of it.

I shrugged my shoulders because at the time John and I weren't that serious, just flirting here and there for me to give a damn that he brushed me off like that. So I charged it to the game and worked my schedule like nothing was wrong, because it wasn't. I wasn't phased but I knew for a fact that I wasn't about to play second to no one.

(John wrote this in ketchup and sent it as a picture message)

I sensed some tension with the both of them and that’s where I saw John stepped up to me. Impressing me and talking on the phone and texting me more, let alone sexing me more. I remember that closing night. Sean was closing and John and I

were his closers. We were a closing manager’s favorite. I closed Front Counter and Lobby & He’d close Grill like a Champion. We locked the store up and my Uncle George was there to pick me up. We were just flirting a couple hours before saying how we both grew up and how we were extremely phenomenal in bed and that neither one of us could handle each other. I yelled my number across the parking lot and just like that within a blink of an eye he text me saying, "What’s Up?", with a text signature that read, “Show me my opponent”. Ever since then we got to know each other. I asked him why he wasn't with the woman I've known him to be with for like the last three years and he said she broke up with him. He told me that she started to tell him, he wasn't spending time with her anymore, all he do is work. He wanted me to understand that he had to work more to finance their new baby and her needs. He told me he worked hard just to see his son and her have nice things, like a man suppose too. I asked him what went wrong, he told me he just got tired of the nagging. I told him he should make it work being that's the mother of his firstborn and all. He said there were no turning back. I could tell the situation made him choke up, so I changed the subject. We talked about everything that night and just like that we fell asleep.

CHAPTER FOUR “red roses” I remember it like yesterday. John and I were so smitten with each it til' it made everyone around us sick. We had to stay on the phone with each other for hours and hours. We had to text each other every minute. We had his and her Verizon DROID phones that we ran hot like crazy. That new stage where you get to know a person and always thinking of that person.

I remember getting ready for work one day. Instead of letting my phone charge, here I am talking to John before our closing shift together. He tells me he just left his Dad shop & he's on his way home to take a shower and get ready for work as well. Were talking about our usual McDonalds Drama, and of course how much we like each other. All of a sudden he tells me to come outside, I asks nervously what was he up to. He insisted on me stepping outside. I stepped outside and saw a beautiful bouquet of roses and a card addressed, "My Everything". Tears swelled my eyes and I couldn't do nothing but smile. My heart smiled. I showed off my roses and card to Jessica while running to get my camera and take pictures of my gifts. I called him back and told him how much he made happy to be his girl and that no one has ever did this for me, ever. I felt really special that day. He kept telling me how much I deserve it and how much it was an honor to do that, all the while he is driving on the way home to shower for work. That one of the many moments I'll never forget that he done for me. He really made me feel like I was the only girl in the world. He opened my eyes to something different. I didn't think surprises like that could happen to a girl like me. My mind was racing and my heart was fluttered. As I sat there crying Tears of Joy, rereading his card over and over again. I felt so special to have a guy like John in my

life. I tweeted, posted My Space posts, everything you can think of. That afternoon changed my life. I really adored him.

CHAPTER FIVE “CATER 2 U” We've been staying together for quite some time now. He needs his space and I'm not quite sure how to handle that. This is my first real relationship since I’ve been done with my Promiscuity and I want to be around him every chance available. I know that we work together but that doesn't stop me for missing him all the time. It's like I need to be around him all the time.

Sean just let me go early because of labor, so I decided to do something special for him. I always surprise him with gifts just to show my token of appreciation, but this would be different. I thought I'd surprise him with Roses but in a romantic kind of way before he arrives home. I went to Wal-Mart straight after work. I brought to bouquet’s of roses, a heartfelt card and some Red Strawberry scented candles. His favorite color as well as his favorite fruit. I had to go all out. I had to make sure I took his favorites into consideration into my surprise.

I tore the Rose Buds of the bouquet apart to make rose petals. I scattered them from the front door in a trail that led up to our One bedroom in our Apartment that we shared. I designed the rose petals into an "I <3 U" saying across the bed neatly. I then led the petals into the bathroom where I ranned a hot bubble bath for him,. I widely spaced them into the water where I had candles lit, not to mention the 5 candles I had aligned on our Cherry Oak Dresser to signal our 5th month anniversary. Everything was perfect. I heard the key enter and flick the lock, and there he was. Shocked, blushing and smiling from ear to ear. He was cautious not to step on any of the petals but I told him, "This is for you babe, don't worry". John kissed me while holding me, telling me how thankful he is to have a girl like me that would do something like that for him. He went into the room excitedly, commenting on everything he saw laid out in front of him. He then walked into the bathroom where he undressed and slid into the bath.

I sat there and watched him bathe, at least try to because his Tall Figure was extremely too long to fit in it. So we sat there and talked about how I planned it and how his day went after I left early.

We dwelled on our relationship and what we have in store for each other. He finished bathing quickly because he had to ride with his Mother to his Grandmother's house in Bushnell. He kissed me on the lips and promised to Thank Me Later. We said our "See you Later's" & "I Love You's" and I started on dinner, awaiting his return to lay it down.

CHAPTER six “finally 21” It's my 21st birthday and I'm so excited to finally be legal, and able to drink. John has brought me a High Definition Webcam and addressed a Heartfelt Birthday card. He wasn't able to go all out but I understood and still was thankful for the gift he was able to give. I called Publix to order my cake and make plans with our best friends, Sean and ‘Chellie. They have been our closest friends since working with Sean at McDonalds. We've had our most intimate moments shared around a table of drinks, our most vulnerable times exposed to their ears & found out something’s about each other during these "Confessionals" as we like to call it. We got dressed to meet up with the Mother of John's first child, MarQuita to drop off Jamir and get started with our day & that was picking up the cake then topping the night off with drinks with our friends at various restaurants. We headed to Gator Dockside first, I ate a little because I knew I would be sick as a dog if I consumed alcohol without putting something on my stomach but our stay there was fast just as their drinks were horrible, so it was off to Chili’s. Chili's drinks are amazing! I had the workers sing "Happy

Birthday (Chili's Edition)" to me. I took drink after drink to the head like a pro without getting sick. I was surrounded by my love and my best friends. We got silly, drunk and talked about everything under the sun that night. Our table was filled with jokes and laughter as the night lingered on.

(My Smile was Flawless because I was so inlove & surrounded by my friends)

John and I said our Goodbyes to our friends as we entered our Apartment. I undressed and took a shower. I barely could stand up but I knew I had to get this Alcohol smell off me. John came into the shower with me but I was already done and he instructed me when I went into the bedroom to do as instructed. I hurriedly dried off and entered the bedroom we shared. There were candles lit on the dresser. Beautiful red candles. There was my Matching Red Panty & Bra set with my black heels laid on the side of them. "He want's me to put this on" I thought. I quickly laced the panties on and fastened the bra, strapped up the heels and laid down and awaited his naked arrival. The shower stopped. I heard him step out and grab his towel. My heart started to pound from the Horniness and the Alcohol made

my head swirl. The door flung open and steam escaped from the bathroom and there he was. When he climb on top of me and went to kissing my inner thighs the sex music that was playing in the background started to fade and all you could hear is my moans and him just licking away. When he finished devouring my pussy, he entered me and I gasp from the rock hardness of his dick. He began to thrust slowly inside of me and told me "I Love You" so sweet it almost brought tears to my eyes, again. It made me remember a night where we were having sex and I cried like a little baby because I was falling deeply in love. He pulled my hair and sucked on my neck and ears and it made me wetter that he kept slipping in and out and we joked about it. He never fastened his pace, he made sure he was hitting every spot, catering to my needs that night, it was truly Birthday Sex. We made love that night, as the candles started to melt and the flames started to disappear. It was a night to remember. It was also the night our son, Jaidon was concieved.

CHAPTER seven â&#x20AC;&#x153;pregnant??â&#x20AC;? John and I just finished a 8-4 work shift together, we planned to watch the film, "Coming to America" when we got home and cook. I cooked Salisbury Steaks, White Rice & Green Beans for our little movie date. It was raining outside and the mood was set right to cuddle. I finished my plate to the T!, which was unusual because I

never really eat everything off my plate. I laid in John's arms and fell asleep and when I woke up I knew something was wrong. I had to pee every other five minutes but John didn't notice but I did. I just knew I couldn't be pregnant, but I had to make it my business to buy a pregnancy test. I brought a pregnancy test the next day from the Dollar Store and it came back Positive. My heart dropped and tears swelled my eyes, but I quickly regain my composure because who can trust Dollar Store Pregnancy tests right? I quickly called Jessica and she took me to Wal-Mart and purchased me a Clear Blue, the expensive one. I peed on it and waited in the Living Room while John sat quietly at the Computer. She opened the door and gave me the results, the test came back Positive, once again. I told John and of course, he wanted to wait until his first born was a little older but it was done now and we had a baby on the way!

We attended our first doctor's appointment and listened to the sounds of his or her heartbeat. I cried like the baby I am and saw the little peanut in there. I saw it's little legs move or whatever it was that moved. John sat there and smiled at the screen. I was so happy.

I was finally going to be a Mother, even though a baby was absolutely not in our future we had to accept it and start planning to expand our living.


I rarely ate anything during this pregnancy and never had Morning Sickness. I just didn't have an appetite to consume anything. When we went to Halloween Horror Nights in Orlando in our Stretched Infiniti limo we were ecstatic. We thought we were the shit, and indeed we were. We arrived to the Hotel, even though our friends could drink & it made me a little sad that I couldn't I still was happy that we could share these moments together. Time flew really fast, here it is May and I'm so huge. I'm feeling heartburn for the very first time and I just cannot wait to meet this little guy. I couldnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t wait to kiss his fingers and look in his eyes. I read to him every other night and bad as it was, crying about every little thing, it was worth it.

It's May 31st, 2011 and it's my last Doctors Appointment. My blood pressure was a little high and my due date was two days ago. They decided to induce me later that day and they informed me to call the Hospital and reserve my room. I was nervous as hell and scared but John and his sister Angela were there right by my side as I entered the hospital and they got my room ready.

The pains were unbearable and I must of downed like a hundred cups of their addictive Ice. The nurse came in and stuck her fingers inside of me to induce me with the help of some Pill. Soon after that, the contractions came. All you heard in that room was my moans and the sound Jaidon's heartbeats that came through the speaker. He was coming, and he was coming fast.

It's approaching 10:00pm and I'm already 7cm. The nurse keep telling me to breath and stop screaming. I ask her did she have kids and she replied with just a dog. So who the hell are you to tell me to stop screaming? She never felt the pain I'm feeling so who is she to tell me to calm down. I was angry and in labor and here she is telling me to stop screaming, I'm scaring the other patients. Well hell, if they think this about to be fun in the sun and a picnic at the park they in the wrong building, let alone wrong floor. I bit my tongue and clutched Jonathan's hands, bit down on pillows, anything I can think of. She gave me medicine that made me drowsy but it didn't ease the pain. The doctor came in and ask me would I like the Epidural and he advised me that I would have to bend over for at least ten minutes. With the contractions coming ever thirteen seconds seem like, I told him "Night Night". Remember I'm drowsy as hell and really can't take responsibility for my hilarious or smart ass comments. He kept warning me if he leaves he's not coming back. But this time I'm approaching 10 cm and I said the hell with it, no Epidural. It was time to push. Jaidon was coming, he was coming too fast to even think. I kept feeling pressure to push but kept being warned to not do so. I couldn't help it, the pain was becoming unbearable and I felt myself get weak. I got immediately scared because of my heart problems. I clenched the rails of the bed and screamed for them to cut me open. She said I'm too far gone. She stuck her hands inside of me and yelled for the nurse to call the doctor. "He's coming!" she said. My mind was spinning while the nurses strapped on in gloves. It was time to push. I only wanted Jonathan and Rita in there, I ranned off anyone else, including Angie and my cousin Jessica by mistake. I pushed for ten seconds and relaxed back on the pillows. I was sweating and in so much pain. Jonathan rubbed me and told me everything is going to be alright, but yet at times I didn't even want him touching me, but he understood my emotions. Doctor Alvarado came in, laced on his gloves and assume his position to deliver. I could feel pressure and they kept telling me to

push. Jonathan was wiping my forehead and telling me "Bae, He has a head full of hair". I smiled and kept pushing. Then with all that pushing I felt something exit me. It felt extremely weird but he was out! He was crying and I started to cry. They laid him on my chest while crying and my first words were, "What are you crying for?". He then opened one eye and looked at me and stopped crying. Then they whisked him on the baby cart to get cleaned up. I was overwhelmed with these different emotions and relief. I was tired and Dr. Alvarado was stitching me up. My guess, is that Jaidon ripped me a little or he had to cut me to get him out. He gasped his first breath at 3:59am, June 1st, 2011. He weighed 7lbs and 2oz. 21 inches long. It was the happiest day of my life. Jonathan was overjoyed as well. It was our first child together. My life was complete.

They kept him in the nursery while I got my sleep and the next couple of days in the hospital was nothing but Pure Bliss. Jonathan would come and take over while I got my rest. I always wanted to hold him but I'm an extreme lover of Sleep, so I took advantage whenever he was around. It was time to be discharged from the hospital and head home. It was a Friday and Jonathan had

to be to work at 12:00pm. So it would be me and Jaidon home alone for today.

CHAPTER EIGHT â&#x20AC;&#x153;trouble in paradiseâ&#x20AC;?

Jaidon is getting so big he just turned six months. John and I just shared a two-year anniversary. It feels good to be with someone you love and love you just as much. Through the hard times and bad times we have faced along the way I must say, It's been an amazing journey and I look forward to many more. This season is one of the hardest for John. With Child Support deducting from his check, receiving less hours at work, he barely makes anything to splurge on himself with or his kids, and that's what hurt his pride the most. Not able to buy anything for his two sons. It's approaching Christmas, and I'm always a Scrooge around this time, don't ask why. I just am. I just really don't get into the Christmas spirit, let alone John isn't either because this make his Second year not able to purchase his Oldest son a gift, and his new son. That tears him down inside and no matter what I try to do and say it doesn't make him feel any better about the situation, just to know he has to go through this twice, made me sad for him. But luckily I was able to give to Jamir and Jaidon gifts for Christmas, might not of had a tree with the bright shining lights but I made sure those boys had gifts for this occasion.

I purchased Jamir a Toy Story play tent & a Lightning McQueen Educational Laptop in which he loved. I purchased Jaidon a 3-in-2 Tumble, Craw, Cave type of toy and a Musical Toy that he can practice walking along with. I decided not to spend money on thousands of gifts, just because. I just don't feel the need to go all out, but that's just me. John had previously came in from a Christmas Party one of his coworkers had invited him to, When he came home he showered but I noticed him playing Gospel Music and I could hear him lay down. I was tired and sleepy and wanted to know what was wrong but before I knew it, It was Christmas Morning. I asked him about it and he said he didn't want to talk about it, and I left it alone. We went to John's grandmother house for dinner and he's been acting strange, but I'm thinking its because he can't provide a gift, yet again this year for his children, so I brush it off. I fix my plate and eat alone because his Grandmother is taking a shower and John is conversing with his cousin, Lynn, outside. I'm all good and full and John still is outside, so I decided to play with Jaidon on the couch, I finally put him to sleep and take a nap myself. I woke up letting John know I need to head to Leesburg soon. He replied with “Ok” and was in the house for another couple minutes, and then we said our Goodbyes and headed to Leesburg. I was dropped off at home to watch the last few episodes of one Shotime’s Hit Show's "DEXTER" while he took the boys to visit his Mother. Here it is, the night of our Five year 2007 Class Reunion party that John and Shep Daddy are hosting at Levi's in Downtown Leesburg. He dressed in his usual LA Laker Attire, kissed us Goodbye and I told him to have a good show, because he was performing tonight. I couldn't attend because I had no available babysitter and it was just cold for me, but after a couple of hours, I hear the lock turn in the door and laughing enter our home.

It was John, Robbie & His wife and my dear friend Madison. Apparently John had too much to drink to drive and was being loud, as usual about to wake the baby up. He told me all about his night and I'm sitting here shocked to see his speech slurred and him babble how he gave so many of our class members compliments on how good they looked. I'm glad he had a good time but it was getting late and he needed to get some sleep for work in the morning. I

helped him undress into his boxes and plain T-shirt. He was setting his alarm and I didn't want him to set it the wrong time, so I hopped up to get the phone and set it for him, he was fighting with me for the phone and I knew it had to be a reason. I was setting his alarm for work the next day and I quickly glanced at his SMS Messages and saw there was a count of 207 SMS Messages to an unidentified number which was at the top of the list. I took it upon myself to take a look. I started from the top and immediately fell into tears. He's telling this woman how Him and I are having relationship problems & That they are going to be together soon, so I put two and two together because I'm far from a dumb bitch. John just mentioned how he didn't want to pay bills anymore and go live with his Mother. I see that that shit was lies and how he willing to leave what he has here for someone that just started working at McDonalds. I called up Sean and Jessica and had to inform them of the news. They were shocked as just as I were. I walked back in because I was shivering from the cold, remind you its almost 3:00am. I woke him up to have a talk. John who is Crystal? I don’t know any Crystal... Is Crystal the reason you lied to me about going back home with ya' mama? (fighting back tears) No reply. John? Yeah John you have been cheating on me...? No I haven't, gimme' my phone No John, You have been cheating on me, When were you going to tell me? I haven’t been cheating on you, gimme' my phone Naw.. So I walked out and called her number, she didn't answer. I figured she wasn't sleep because her last text to him was at least 3045minutes ago. No answer. Now I know what your thinking? Why you called her. He wasn’t giving me answers, as always. So I thought I’d call her. I really don’t give a fuck about her or her existence, and still don’t just wanted some answers, in which I got. I gathered my things and Jaidon's and decided to call my Uncle to get me. No man ranned

me out of my home, but I just knew If I stayed, something bad would of happened so I just had to take a Cooling Point.

CHAPTER nine â&#x20AC;&#x153;Wednesdayâ&#x20AC;? It's Wednesday morning. I'm getting notifications that John's Sun Trust Banking and GMAIL passwords have been changed. I'm guess he's up and he read my Goodbye note and now he's changing all his passwords. Figures. I gathered Jaidon's things and prepared for Rita to take us home. My heart was broken, pounding. I was scared but I had rage in my eyes.

A lot of shit came to light and made sense. That explains his actions lately. His awkward distance. His nonchalant attitude towards a lot. Every mile we drove to my our home, felt like bullets to the heart but only added more fuel to the burning fire that he ignited in me. I kept replaying last night over and over in my head to try to make some sense of it but still, nothing.

I turned my key inside the lock, unloaded Jaidon and proceeded to clean my house up. He was upstairs moving around but I didn't give a fuck. It had of been seven minutes before I called upstairs, "Don't you think you owe me an explanation Jonathan". No

answer. "You can at least be a man and talk to me face to face". Still no answer. I raced upstairs and there he was.

The man I've ever known for the last 2 years. The man I came to care for and love his child like my own. The man that father's my first and only child. My heart sunk to look at him but yet disgusted at his presence. I kept asking him questions such as "Why would you do this to me?, What did I do wrong?, Where do we go from here?". There he paced back and forth with no answers to none of my questions. He raced downstairs to grab Jaidon and feed him on the couch. I ranted on, as usual. So you gonna' sit there and act like last night didn't happen? No answer. Who is Crystal Jonathan? No answer. You can have the bitch.. How long this been going on? No answer. You gonna’ sit there and not say a muthafuckin' word? No answer. How about you go stay with that bitch.. I hope she worth it. No answer. How you gonna’ leave me home with a son you barely fucking see and with our 7 month old child to go be with this bitch? Finally, feedback. "I didn't leave ya’ll home by yourselves".

John I saw the fuckin' text messages. You was scheduled 12 to 8 and you left around 2 just to go see this bitch? Spend time with this bitch while I'm home babysitting? On my day off? Like who really does that? You parade around here like you some fuckin' Father of the Year when you really ain't shit. You leave me home with 2 kids while you go cuddle and pillow talk with ya' Snow Bunny. What kinda' man does that? No answer. He got ready for work and that was that. He asked for his phone and I told him hell fucking no. I paid $684.84 for these Sprint phones. I'll be damned if he get it and text her and advise her to ignore me if I call. So after getting no where with Jonathan. There was only one way to go. The fling on the side. She advised me that they had sex more than twice and that he continuingly kept telling her that Him & I are having relationship problems and that he really wannaâ&#x20AC;&#x2122; be with her. I'm putting two and two together now. John has been saying he wants to go home with his Mama to "save" money but now I know that was just a scam to get Freedom to do and cheat as he pleases. I felt sick to my stomach. How many times he came home and kissed me after just being with her? So many questions ran through my head today and so many tears fell that I just said fuck it, no need for tissues. I called out of work that day and mourned our relationship. I couldn't deal with those customers because I would of broke down and cried explaining a bill or going off so I did my best and stayed home and cooled off. I keep thinking this some time of nightmare that I would eventually wake up from. I slept upstairs while he slept downstairs and cried myself to sleep. I wondered where I went wrong to make him do this to me, our family, our relationship. I keep replaying last night's discoveries over and over. How long was he gonna continue lying to me and her without informing me? How long was he gonna play this out and live with his actions day and day out. I drifted to

sleep as the tears drowned my pillows. My cried use to break him, hurt him. I know he hears them. How could he walk around the house and not acknowledge me? How can he watch television with the sounds of me breaking down upstairs? How can he not come hold me and tell me he sorry and that everything is going to be alright. I drifted to sleep without expecting what was about to take place the next day... let alone that night.

CHAPTER TEN â&#x20AC;&#x153;FOOL FOR LOVEâ&#x20AC;? I woke up for work. My face was puffy because of the crying I was doing the night before. My eyes stung so bad from lack of sleep. I washed my face, brushed my teeth and proceeded to get dressed as if the Enemy isn't sleeping soundly downstairs. I glanced at my "J 24" tattoo. I got it early in our relationship with him getting my initials as well. I lowered my head and broke down again. My right arm was suppose to be a dedication to him. Both of us know how to sing, hence the music notes. I was going to finish the top sleeve off with his name orchestrated into a sheet of music. It was going to be designed as if his name was music. I quickly wiped my eyes and stared myself in our bathroom mirror and asked myself, "Your stronger than this aren't you?". I knew he didn't deserve me but as always out of love, I wanted to make it work. But this isn't the first time something like this has happened.

This is the only extreme one. Early in the relationship we both had each other passwords to any and every account. I deleted his Tagged account because some old neighbor he had fucked was still clinging on to their "once had" relationship. I read the messages back and forth and should of known Jonathan could be dirty in the near future but never gave it any play. She kept mentioning the First Mother of Jonathan's son and him relationship. I read between the lines and could sense they were talking when Jonathan was in his previous relationship because he was speaking of their son together. She kept stating "I thought you were gonna leave her?", with him agreeing and stating they were having relationship problems. He changed his relationship status and that's when she got disrespectful about our relationship, so with that being said, that account had to go.

I had to deal with finding naked pictures of the mother of his first child in his GMAIL account, in which he denied. It was kind of fishy because they were sent to his email and a different email so I kind of believed him. I wanted to be on his side but something told me to act like I believed him. I asked him to call her and see why they were there. He laid on the bed and "acted" as if he was storing a number in his phone in which was Lynn's new number. But who takes forever to store one number? Suspicion Number One...

He called to ask her, no answer. He then showed me a text message that read "I don't know how they got in there, tell her I'm sorry". Now I see the gap in between her incoming text message because it was only one from her, meaning text messages that were previously were there was deleted, like he could of told her to lie for him. But at the time she had a Boost Mobile, and I know text messages come like that but this was awkward. Suspicion Number Two. I didn't know what to believe but kept it moving. I wouldn't call it Jealousy over his previous relationship. But I

didn't put it past him to cheat because if he did, nine times out of ten it would be the last person before me, which would be her. Here he is with me and his son was just born not even seven months ago. So I knew and accepted him still having feelings for her, even though it tore me up inside but I loved him and stuck by his side and dealt with it. I gained trust for him, never really wanted to go with him to pick up their son. Never was tickled into running to his phone whenever she called or text. That wasn't my cup of tea. I had to battle drama back and forth with her because of pictures posting on My Space of me and her child. She thought I wanted to take her place as their son's Mother. But I didn't. I had to fight for respect to insure and get her to see that I was not trying to replace her, I couldn't compare to four years that they had and shared. I didn't want to compete, just wanted to be accepted in Jonathan's life as his new girlfriend but as time progressed, drama came about but in due time we were on a mature level. Not stating that we were friends, but we tolerated each other as Grown Women. We spoke, we joked and we kept it moving.

The next couple of incidents were me logging onto his FaceBook account and as always promoting "Top Flight", or changing his default to one of my designs and here comes this IM from Andre. Some dude they say Gay writing Jonathan. So me being me, I played along and this got interesting....

Whatâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s up nigga? Wassup bruhâ&#x20AC;&#x2122; [me using language, trying to type like John] You need to come buy some clothes off me, you know I sell clothes now. Oh forreal bruh? Iâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;mma check that out Yeah you do that

You still with that one girl? Yeah thatâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s my wife lol what happened to You and Kim? What you mean? You was suppose to have sex with her that one night? [me being curious - I had to think of questions to pick at his mind] What you mean? We was suppose to have sex? Yeah you remember you was suppose to go to her house that one night? Oh forreal? What she say? She said you chickened out, saying you had a girl and didnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t know.. Oh forreal? Lol, what she said then? She told you what you girl wont know, wont hurt her Oh naw bruh.. I love my girl too much I know you do but she was only gonna suck your dick and keep it a secret My heart dropped for a minute.. Jonathan always in some fuck shit. I then ended the conversation and told Andre thanks for telling me & that in fact I was Jonathan's girlfriend acting like Jonathan He responded with: Oh Wow. That was the end of that, I questioned Jonathan about it and his answer, well excuse was, that was never going to happen, I never went and that Taquan is Andre's cousin and it was staged, stating that Andre just try to make straight dudes gay. I shook my head and as always, kept it moving.

It's a sunny day at Southwinds Cove. We all are heading over to the Pool. Jaidon is approaching four months, so we get my nephews, A.J and Drevion ready. Jessica got Jasiah ready so I dressed Jaidon to sit by the Pool and enjoy our family play in the Water. The night air was setting in and I didn't want Jaidon to get sick so me and Jessica trailed back to the house so her and Jasiah can dry off while Jonathan and the boys enjoy the pool a little while longer.

I put the baby down and went upstairs to give Jessica some Towels and a Wash Cloth and there it was. His phone charging on the bed. Now I know what you all are thinking. This woman crazy, she go through everything. Wrong. I never volunteer to go through any of Jonathan's emails account or phone when I please. I had a intuition to go through his phone, which this makes the second time.

The first time I went through his phone, he was asking the Mother of his Child for pictures. She kept saying she doing some run around and will get them to him when she had time. I searched through his gallery that day, no pictures of Jamir. So what the fuck kind of pictures was he asking for? She kept calling him "Boo" in the Text Messages, I didn't get easily angered but I questioned him and he said she never sent the pictures of Jamir, so again I left it alone but this intuition was different.

I powered his phone and checked his text messages. All in the clear for one. The text messages between him and Lainy. Lainy was the "self titled Niece" of Jonathan's that I met when we first went to the studio. November 29th, 2009 actually. The night he asked me to

be his girl. Me & her had on some signature kicks from the "Pastry" line from those Simmon's Sister. She complimented me on mines and introduced herself. I read the text messages from the top and got immediately disturbed and sick to my stomach. There are pictures of her from behind, fully clothed and him complimenting disrespectfully with remarks such as "It looks soft, I miss her" She replying with "She misses you too". I immediately get infuriated. Like seriously, what the fuck is going on. How many times they text like this? and is they having sex behind my back? I read them aloud to Jessica and she got hot as well. Remind you this is my blood cousin, we had some ups and downs but when my so called friends crossed me, she has always been there. She's blunt at times to the point where she hurts my feelings but I don't object because she gives me the truth about any and everything. I asked her to watch Jaidon for a minute and I raced to the Pool to curse Jonathan ass out. I told the boys to run ahead while me and him talk. I questioned him about it and he says that was Antwan "Twan" that was texting acting like him the other night when he was at his Mama House.

Now readers, I'm no fool & by the way Jonathan was replying with those lame ass Trey Songz, Twista quotes I knew it was him and told him just give up. He use to lay me with those same lines and he's tryna convince me that it was Twan? Hard ass Gucci Mane Lovin' Twan? I asked him were they having sex and he said no. I then walked away and awaited my phone to charge so I could question Lainy.

She hit me back and was like, "yes I'm sorry for content in those texts, it will never happen again. I feel so bad and have been feeling bad so I haven't been coming around." Now I see. She really hasn't been coming around. She admitted he performed Oral Sex on

her around the time she recorded her song, in which it was way before I started working at McDonalds in 2009. So that was a clear on that. Lainy never lied to me yet and honestly had no reason to lie. She told me everything I questioned her about, Jonathan on the other hand, kept his composure and insisted it was Twan. When Lainy kept telling me, no it wasn't Twan and Jonathan is lying. I knew he was and told him, it was alright to admit to the truth now. He still kept his story going.

My whole thing is, why have this person around me and my child when ya'll had previously had something? It wasn't her Job to tell me anything, it was his. Now I don't give a damn that it was before me because the past is something canâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t control, but I could of got a heads up before I got close with this person. Let this person stay at my house, etc. Let this person keep my child for two to three days at a time. I had no ill feelings towards Lainy but she did know right from wrong for sending them pictures. Jessica wanted me to shoot her the fade but that wasn't my nature. Jessica told me I was too nice to let a woman send these pictures to her man and get away with it, part of me knew she was right but the other part of me didn't care for some odd reason.

I was falling out of love with John. He wasn't affectionate like he use to be. The sex started to get repetitive and boring. Every since the pregnancy and even before I couldn't Climax and that hurt his pride even more on top of him being broke. I couldn't climax getting fucked from behind, on the side, on the bottom or on top, which is my favorite position. See that was the problem. I needed him just a tad bit harder so he can hit my G spot when I'm on top but if he in fact got harder, he would climax faster. So it was a win or lose situation. So our sex lives revolved around me receiving Oral Sex just to get off and him slow stroking inside of me for him to get off. Now that I look

back at that, that was a big factor in our lives and may have played a part in his infidelity. He couldn't please me the way he wanted to and that damaged him a little inside. But we both didn't have a High Sex drive, neither did I yearn for it everyday. I loved Jonathan. He loved my spontaneous way of giving him oral, in which was a way of showing him don't be down about not pleasing me like you want. I didn't need his sex or oral sex to love him any harder than I already did.


It's Thursday. December, 29, 2011. The New Year is only a couple days and Jonathan still haven't came home yet. Yes my mind trailed to, "He's with her". I couldn't let it get to me but we still had so much to talk about and where our relationship stand.

He came home with Diapers, Wipes and Clothes for Jamir and Jaidon. I know he was happy because being that his money goes to bills, he never has an opportunity to by his sons anything. Because I always have been the provider for both children. I didn't throw it in his face because when he could, he did. It just hurt him a lot to have kids and want to provide for them but instead your Girlfriend has to buy when they go without knowing your the Man, and suppose to be the

one taking care of the household.

He came home and showered. I sat Jaidon down in which he was watching cartoons, Sponge bob his favorite. I raced upstairs to talk to Jonathan. He stated "Things will never be the same". I gave him a lecture, long one at that explaining how we could work through this. Tears were falling down my face and my voice started to choke. Every word that exited my mouth felt like a ton of bricks crushing my heart.

I explained: You just saying that because you donâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t want to work on it being the same. I can learn to trust you over again. We suppose to get married and live our whole lives together. We suppose to grow old. Do you think I want anyone else? No. Yes you cheated, but we can get pass this, I know we can, our love is strong enough to get through anything.

The water from the shower was all you heard, no response escaped from his mouth. I kept on: I take care of your son like my own. I go without so he can have. When he needed new clothes for the winter, who brought them? When he needed shoes, that was my card that swiped for them. We don't get Food stamps, so when he comes over here, who feeds him? I do. Jaidon is seven months, so who buys his diapers since he been born? Technically you only cut his cord and stayed up with him a couple of nights.

Now I know, I might of said some hurtful things but he needed to feel where I'm going with this and before you make a judgment, let me finish my rant. When you need gas, who checks your needle just because? I remind you of needing water for your engine. I design your graphics, Top Flight wouldn't have their image today if it wasn't for me. Who is your biggest fan and biggest critic? It's me because I tell you what you need to hear and gonna hear from the world, so you don't have your hopes high. Who was there when you had feelings for another muthafucka? It was me. I put up with all that drama, all that he say she say bullshit because I love you and you do me like this? You telling me I ain't worth it to work it out with? Do you know how many men wanna wife Jaidah B? Who make more than you, look better than you but I stayed with you? I stay with you because I love you and I don't wanna love anyone else. Can't you see that? Yes. I'm forever grateful what you have done for me and the kids and I still want you to be my graphic designer full time, I'll pay you. That wasn't what I wanted to hear. I told him, let's split up, even though I didn't want too. Maybe he needed some time to get this shit out of his system. So We agreed that he would continuingly paying the Electric and we joked for a little while. I began to fondle his dick. He kept instructing me to stop. I asked him if it's still mines. He said no. I began to look a little shocked, and hurt of course. I asked him whose is it? and he didn't respond. I kept playing with him but his look on his face never changed. His mood was quiet but he didn't seem mad. He told me it wasn't clean yet for touching so I waited. I messed with him again and he then turned his head and I saw red. I asked him was that a Hicky on his neck, he replied with his voice breaking a little bit, "Yes". I immediately punched the shit out of him. This wasnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t the first altercation we had, I remember when we fought in McDonalds one night, my back was tore up because I

landed on the Empty Bun Tray. But we moved past that. I use to pick on him all the time, drop his controllers, etc. I was a bully when we first go together but as I stated, we moved past that.

He staggered back like the world went blank for a minute and asked, "Man why did you hit me for?". I ranned downstairs to Jaidon crying. Snot coming out of his nose, my first thought, how long was he crying for When I was talking to John? I couldn't recall hearing him. But I held him and my anger fueled. How I couldn't touch your neck, kiss, lick your neck but you bravely walk in my house with not one, not two but three hickeys on your neck? So I sat crying Jaidon down and placed a bottle in his mouth and ranned back upstairs and shut the door behind me so Jonathan couldn't escape. I demanded answers and he was gonna give it to me.

He kept trying to get by but I pushed him. I kept saying over and over again, "Why do you have hickeys on your neck?". "Man that's been on there for two days!" he shouted. "So that justify it being on your neck?" "Man let me go!" Wrong Answer.

I kept pushing him and pushing him. I knew he was gonna retaliate, it was just a matter of time. I didn't give a damn. I was hurt

and was ready for whatever was thrown my way. It was the last push and he mushed me back and we started fighting. He held my hair and I punched his face. It's amazing how much strength you have when your mad. I light his ass up with not a care in the world. I clawed at his face and not one single fuck was given that night. I cried tears while hitting him while yelling at him, "Is this what this has came to? We in here fighting like dogs for what? For what huh?" He just looked at me with those eyes and I couldn't help but to even more heartbroken because for an instant. I didn't know the man I came to love. The man I laid down and had my first child with. The man whom I did any and everything for. There was nothing in his eyes. Not sympathy for what he has done. He just let me vent with profanity and blows to his face. I ripped his prized LA Laker's Jacket and all. Somehow we fell on the side of the bed, I couldn't get out of his grip. He use to be a Correctional Officer so he was using defense tactics on me. Somehow he managed to apply pressure on my neck with his foot. I couldn't beathe. I tried every attempt to break from his hold but I couldn't. My air supply was shortening so I had to let go of his shirt with both hands. He quickly jumped up and slammed the door. I panicked because the door locks from the outside. Thank God it wasn't locked, normally he would lock it, if we were playing. I guess he didn't pay it any attention. He raced downstairs and I threw a half empty Air Freshener can at his head, I missed. Just my luck. I followed behind him. He picked up Jaidon and kissed him and said "See you later man, okay? I love you. Daddy loves you". I screamed for him to put him down. He didn't listened. My first reaction was to call 911. So I called 911. I explained to the operator what just took place. I pushed Jonathan one more time before he put Jaidon on the floor and drive away in his car. I was fucking heated. Next thing I know there are cops in my driveway.

There's blood under my fingertips. I called Rita. Jessica and My

Uncle George. I called my best friend Sean. My hair was wild and I didn't have on any pants. I quickly found the nearest sweatpants and placed my hair in a ponytail and geared up for this talk with the Police. I poured myself a big glass of water and dranked it in one gulp. My throat was hurting and I was scared. I was shaking and all I could think about was Jaidon. I had scratches over my arms, my legs and my face but one by one, The police interrogated me, after getting my story they sided with me. They laughed a little and suggested what I did was the right thing to do. They explained if they came home with hickeys they don't expect their wife to shrug her shoulder's and continue to wash dishes. I expect her do to the same thing you done. They asked me relationship questions about how we met and everything. I admitted everything and they was blown away. They say why would a man throw all of this way? I broke into tears because thatâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s the same question Iâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;m trying to get Jonathan to answer. I sighed because all of this could of been prevented. John think's like a woman. I could of understood if he thought with his dick while he cheated but he couldn't, he didn't and he never will. He can't cheat without wanting to pillow talk with a bitch. He got to cuddle and feel guilty for hurting the second party. He can't just fuck, catch his nut and be gone. He got to attach himself emotionally and feel sorry for the person he hurting. He could of ignore the sideline & fuck with her when he wanted like any man with a good woman at home does. I could understand he needed attention, the satisfaction of pleasing a woman with his dick like he couldn't do me but get your feelings involved when it's just suppose to be quick fling was crossing the line. Most men are like, "Hunny I'm just here for a nut because my girl and my kids is enough on my plate right now." He couldn't do that so the lady within himself had to catch Pity for the other woman and feel guilt and attend to her needs, but losing the most important thing besides his kids while doing so, which was me.

They went outside to talk to Jonathan. I placed Jaidon down as

he slept and cleaned up a little and waited until they came back. At that time I could hear my friends outside and the Police advised me their taking pictures of Jonathan's face & that they will be taking the Air Freshener can into evidence. They told me Jaidon will be going with his Father tonight & That I'm going to a cooling point, which is holding. I was confused and hurt. I'm thinking isn't Jonathan coming along as well since he fought back as well? They told me since I threw the can, I had to be the one to go. Before they could read me my rights, I clapped my hands together and faced my patio door with my back in the Officer's face. They told me, "Ms. Cunningham, your being very cooperative, Thank You. But You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say or do can and will be held against you in a court of law. You have the right to speak to an attorney. If you cannot afford an attorney, one will be appointed for you. Do you understand these rights as they have been read to you?". Tears swelled in my eyes and I replied raspy with, "Yes sir". They turned me around. My heart was pounding. I started to wheeze. It was all in slow motion. . . I was walked out my front door into the night air. There was Jonathan to the right of me by the garage being photographed, I'm guessing of the injuries I gave to his fucking face. My Aunt Rita yelled out, "What's this? Why she going to Jail". I broke when I saw my Family there. Sean, â&#x20AC;&#x2DC;Chellie, Rita, Jessica and my Uncle George. Here I am being walked to the back of the Police car and they were right there, supporting me. I yelled at them, fighting back tears, "It's okay, I'll be alright guys. I love you". â&#x20AC;&#x2DC;Chellie signaled to me and blew me a kiss and I smiled. I watched as they followed behind Jonathan and walked in the house. I wondered what kind of conversation would take place. I was driven away to Leesburg Jail where I was photographed and booked on, Aggravated Assault with a Deadly Weapon without Intent to Kill and Domestic Violence. The holding area was cold. I was chained by one ankle and put my arms in my shirt. I didn't have on any Bra and I was freezing.

All you can hear was the Officer's radio going off. Chains clinking and cell doors opening. Time flew by and I still haven't been booked to Tavares yet. But as time went by, we were ready to go. The ride felt like years. My wrists were aching. Once we got there, I was fingerprinted and placed in a Orange Jumpsuit. They gave me a bag and a mattress to carry. They finally directed me to my cell. I was so heartbroken at my actions and stripped of my Freedom and disgusted at myself. I cried my last tears that night. First appearance was in the morning to let me know what was my bond. I called around and Jonathan couldn't accept my calls so I called my Auntie Rita, Jessica and best friend Sean. They advised me they took Jaidon for tonight because Jonathan was being a bitch a kept saying his face hurt. They said his demeanor was as if who was keeping Jaidon when he went to work the next day was the last of his worries, only his face. Sean and â&#x20AC;&#x2DC;Chellie was right by my side offering whatever they had towards my bond. Jessica stating she had a few dollars. But my night and shining armor's were my Uncle George and Older brother Andre. They posted my bond, but being that I had a Domestic Charge, they couldn't release me until 5:00pm. But being my luck, I was on good behavior, I was released thirty minutes early. I powered my phone on. My head was to the sky. I left my tears in that cell and my only focus was Jaidon. My brother welcomed me with open arms & I headed to Jonathan's job to get my house key to pack all his shit up....

(to be continued) Part II - Releasing 11.29.12

CHAPTER TWELVE “DEAR JOHN” Dear Jonathan, Where do I start? It was all good a month ago. How did two people that laughed at each other when the other got mad just up and walk away from each other. Lack of communication. Lack of Affection and Appreciation on both parties was the result of this Fairytale turned upside down. When we first met, not in 8th grade, but again working at McDonalds. We were lusting. We were getting to know each other while fucking each other brains out every other night. You were just something to do in between time of me designing, working and dealing with my Ex.

We were all good and flirty until you informed me of someone else. One of our co-workers you were feeling that you neglected to tell me about. I didn’t’t know of a relationship or whatever you may called it at the time you were involved in, all I knew was you told me you and your baby mama was through. Little did I know that was a lie? When I went through what I went through, You was there, I could

never forget that. I would of gave you my last because you proved your Loyalty when my family couldn't during my time of need. I thought I was paying you back for that. Somehow I felt in your debt. You used all your income tax to impress me not giving the Mother of your Child one red cent, I was disgusted by that because even if she didn't work like you said, she carried your seed for nine months and deserved something. But I didn't let that show. I was just as guilty, filling up those carts with Groceries and household items for our new Apartment.

I accepted your child as my own, even though some women would of done the opposite. My own Mother look at your son as her Grandson, that's just how used to my Family adapted with yours. My own Uncle proposed to lending you the money you needed to go back to the Prison to provide for your family better, but you turned that down. You claim you broke to the world to gain sympathy and that you want a better job to provide for your kids but when Opportunity knocks, you

act as if Jehovah Witness knocking on the door, so you don't answer. I had to deal with drama surrounding our relationship. Just like you had to hear how I was highly promiscuous back in the day. I changed since then, I changed for you. People were in your ear saying how I liked girls, how I was a down grade but you stayed by my side because you knew me and knew I changed. They kept telling me not trust you, it's only a matter of time before you hurt me but I didn't listen. Now it's gossip among people with the "I told her so's". But I loved you. I loved you more than some of my own Family Members. I gave you my last. People see it that I spoiled you but I saw it as appreciating your love for me and that you try to do for me and our family even though it was hard for you. When you lacked in affection, I didn't run to anyone else. I told you what to fix and guess what you did? You improved your affection. Why you couldn't do the same with me so I could improve whatever that had you falling out of love with me? I really don't think you loved me. I say that because you just don't throw away a perfectly good relationship. What we had was not broken. It was repairable. With the right time and effort on both parts. I have Flaws. People see that I was a Good woman that shouldn't have been cheated on, and they are absolutely right. Maybe I was paying attention to Graphics more than I should, but I would never apologize for staying up late night making money so we could have more where you fell short at. I was bossy, indeed too much. I felt as though I made more than you so I was better than you. I felt as though I called the shots on any and everything but at the same time, Nothing I did was deserving the hurt you put me through. Anything that was wrong with me was fixable, so was you.

I look at you getting your girlfriend name tatted on you before Jaidon's name and even though I'm disgusted, I can't even be mad. At least I told you to get your son's footprints before my initials. Because Real Man wouldn't do that. I don't know you anymore so anything you do from now on isn't surprising anymore. It doesn't anger me nor tickle me. You even asked me was Jaidon yours? I was shocked but I knew it was coming just like you was skeptical about your first child. But being that Jaidon is lighter there's a possibility he couldn't be yours? I saved all those text messages for the world to see.

I still haven't placed you on Child Support because me being the selfless person I am, I wouldn't tax you and leave you broke but your being nasty and ignoring the agreement you placed on the table in which you were suppose to pay my Electric bill, faithfully every month. Now you reniggin'? Naw. Either your paying voluntarily or


It's a shame that your making up lies to say I sleep with my "Family" members for money instead of admitting to your Girlfriend that you Fucked Up, your not this good wonderful man from God she think's you are and that one thing led to another and that's how ya’ll relationship came about. You got in too deep with your “fling” and just like a child, you ran away from the hardest thing to face, which was me and how wrong you did a Good Woman. It wasn't nothing I did wrong & yet you proudly tell me I did something wrong. It wasn't the lies about me sleeping with my family members because you know that shit is a sick ass lie. The same person your slandering and ignoring to pay back was the same person that drove fifteen minutes out his way to take you to work when your car was fucking up. Not one of your family members came to the rescue, but I'm not slandering your Family because we still on Good Terms. I have nothing bad to say about any of them. But it was My Uncle that took you to work when you was scared to call anybody else. It was my family members that gave me money to provide Groceries in the house for us and your son when he came over because sometimes we were on our ass eating Ham and Cheese sandwiches because we made to much to have Food stamps. It was my same family

members that lent money here and there for bills when we had our hard times when I was on Maternity Leave that came to our rescue. When you complained about how your Family members never had money for you to borrow but was always at the Sweepstake Casino, mines was there. No I'm not airing out Dirty Laundry, I'm not putting anyone down for what they say they couldn't provide. What I'm saying is when we was without, when you was without, I and my Family was there. I was the woman that picked up your heart when the last left it shattered, so you say. My people was the one that picked us up financially when we was down. So how dare you slander my people? How dare you do me like this? You realize this the second time, second child you won't see grow up in the same household as you? Do you realize we as Mother's have to get up with our sons when they have nightmares, when they need a bottle, when they have to be potty trained, who's there? Do you realize when you drop Jaidon or Jamir off you dropping them off to Mommy and their Boyfriend? Yeah they know who you are but for the Majority of the part, they know Mommy and the Man that's by her side taking care of them. Waking up to them, not who has them for a weekend or two out the month. Playing Basketball with them. Teaching them their 123's and ABC's while you get them when it's convenient for you. Two days out the week when your love life see's you mainly every night. We as Mother's don't need to call you so you "can" check up on a life you help make.

The funny thing is.. You want to make it work but being that your naturally SOFT and Too Nice you run away. Your doing all of this to ignore your feelings for me. Your too deep in your new relationship to turn around and do the right thing because you don't wanna hurt someone that thinks the world of you. You lie to everyone to make people believe your "past" is this Dark Road that lead you in the wrong direction when in fact its YOU being the shitty ass Compass. Your the one causing all this chaos but I got to admit just like you had me fooled, you got your new one fool to think your some faithful, charming man that me and the last did so fucking wrong and gave a good man up. Naw Nigga. That ain't the case. You tell her one thing but everyone knows who best for you and was best for you. There's no competition, you know it. You think our relationship too broken to make it work so you getting Tattoos after a couple month's of knowing a person, you act as if you hate me so you don't have to face me or joke with me. You ignore looking me in my eyes to avoid that "Contact". You don't come near me because you my touch would set you on fire. I got to admit, it bothered me at first but I'm a damn Good Woman that changed a lot for you, put you on a pedestal and treated you like a King, and your son? I treated him like the Prince he is. It's sad to know my family grew to love him and adore him besides his Mother's Family & Yours. Now they won't see him as much anymore.

The little boy that after thirty days of meeting him, I went and brought him close to $200 in clothes on the strength of me adoring him and loving him just that fast and I grew attached. He knew me. He grew to love me. It's hurts me to my fucking heart to not see him like I would like too, let alone be the one that watches him grow up. I've been in his life since he was six months. He's approaching his Third Birthday. It's hurts to know I can buy him a Birthday Gift but I won't be the one on Daddy's arm like always. Your decision didn't hurt me, your decision affected everyone around you, you didn't think about anyone else but yourself. You want someone that will agree with everything you say and stroke your ego, but that's being Fake. I told you what you needed to hear. I was your spine when you felt broken, I was your voice when you couldn't speak and now you gave all that up because you didn't know how to handle something you had on the side. Pathetic isn't something I would normally call myself, but looking

back, I'm ashamed at how blind I really was. Your first mistake was LEAVING me. Your second mistake was giving me the chance to realize I could live WITHOUT you. The paternity test the people around you encouraged you to get is on the way and so is support. I will never ask you for a Dime. When I need a break, you ain't there but we both know where you at, what kind of woman would even want to be with a man like that? At least I encouraged you to get your first child every chance I got. But when I stop calling, won't answer your phone calls, it's because whenever I find someone that accepts Jaidon as their own, I won't be a need to call you to lend me a hand on giving me break. There will be someone loving Jaidon as their own, not when they have time. There will be someone placing Jaidon's needs first before my own besides myself. There will be someone that will say, "Jaidon I'll play catch with you everyday when you need me too instead of playing catch with you on the Weekends because that's when your "Daddy" will have time". That's not being mean. That's not keeping you away from your child. That's letting a Man step up to the Plate and Bat when you just wanna play the bench. But once I do that, I’ll be slandered on the social networking sites as a Bad Mother with bitter emotions about Daddy’s new girlfriend, when clearly that ain’t the cake. Keep believing I stepped out the relationship to help make the bed you made more comfy to lay in. Keep believing I cheated to make you feel better about cheating on a Good Woman. Everyone is watching me. Seeing if I'm hurting. Just know I changed a lot for you, so it may be easy for you to move on because you never really care or had feelings. But I can't just pack up and move on like that. I'm not moping around after you, I kept my promise. I haven't shed a tear since Jail. I'm moving on slowly but surely, but being that I'm doing the right thing and moving on in my own pace to find someone that's going to be in Me and Jaidon's lives. It doesn't mean I'm waiting for you to come back. I can careless what you have going on right now. It did at first but I got over it. I'm 22years old. I have a 3 bedroom, 2.1 bath, Handsome Son whom is not wanting for anything and a Successful Career in Designing, in which you loved to brag on. Did you not? I was

someone you was going to Wife. I did my Job. Your next may do her Job but it will never be enough for you. When something is wrong you keep it bottled in and move on to the next thing that has your nose open. Your gonna keep having babies, leaving them when they six and seven months and keep tattooing women on you. LMFAO. and then play victim to when people ask you what happen? Your excuses going to be, "They were crazy, They cheated [when they wasn't]". You have some self esteem issues you need to deal with. You can never admit the truth about what really has happened because you don’t want to be painted as this unfaithful man when in fact, your fingerprints all over the Canvas.

I love you like no other. I’ll always love you. I thought I needed you, but Baby, I’m so much better without you. I’ll miss my Groupie though. The person who I’d go to ask if this design is clean or not, but I’ll have someone soon to assist me with designing. It just kills me to know I have to see your face for the rest of Jaidon’s life. I have to drop him off to the person that has scarred me emotionally when I though that I would be with you forever. But I will not let the next man

pay for your mistakes. He wouldn’t deserve it. You didn’t deserve me because when it was your time to love me and treat me like I need too, you ran away to something that was so easy. I wouldn’t give you or your present the satisfaction of comparing myself, because everyone knows, I gave you Swag. I upgraded your Wardrobe, The same shirt you take her on dates with, is the same shirt my Business Debit swiped for. I upgraded your Digital Image when it came to your music. Not only was I wonderful girlfriend, but I built with you. I was your best friend. We discussed business plans like partners and sometimes we forgot we were lovers, that was our relationship. Just like you took me from Yalaha, I took you from the shadows and gave you a face. You let your present text and talk for you, what happened to having our own minds? You keep letting her disrespect me, & you keep on being nasty. Sooner or later, I’m a scratch what the fuck you itching for. I’m never scared but I’m a Mother first. So you can keep your threats, I won’t break. I’ll continue to kill you with kindness. Jaidon can’t eat with his Mother locked up. While everyone is laughing at you for the decision you made, I pray. I pray that you sleep at night because You and I both know your decision is weighing heavy on your heart. I still love you, always have and always will. I don’t do no chasing, These Jordan’s cost too damn much. I won’t do any begging for you to give me a break with Jaidon, It’s plenty of men that wont hesitate after one phone call. The picture is clear. You standing in my rearview never looked more Beautiful. I see when people change, it doesn’t mean the feelings wasn’t real but it means sometimes when you grow up, you grow apart. But this wasn’t the case. You cheated and making up sad lies to make it seem like you had an excuse to cheat. I’m not mad I was left, nor replaced, but if you call what you have now as my replacement as winning. Something is definitely wrong with the scoreboards. I know the worse part of a break up is that one person always move on before the other and yeah, I’m human. I hurt for a minute or two but I quickly focused on what was better for me in life and what should be a priority which is Jaidon and preparing myself for something better. Finding a boyfriend quickly isn’t at the top of my list. Yeah, it gets

lonely being the only one that has to lock up the house, get up with Jaidon through the night, make sure all the doors and windows locked, but there’s nothing I can’t handle. I wish you two the best, just as I accepted your first child as my own. I wish your present treats mine with the same respect. No love lost. It could have been worse right? I love you Jonathan, not for the man that whisked me away from Yalaha, not for the man that was with me during my ordeal in the Hospital. But for showing me that there is someone better for me in a way that you wasn’t able to give, show or provide. It gets greater later. This is far from over…

Sincerely, “Your Everything” (what you like to call me)

Part II. Releasing 11.29.12 (On What would have been our 3rd year Together)

In A Small World  

Happiest Moments in my life in detail leading up until the saddest moments in my life...

In A Small World  

Happiest Moments in my life in detail leading up until the saddest moments in my life...