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Chapter 1. DRAMA. "Oh Jesus!", I thought to myself when my Uncle came into my bedroom saying, Quinn acting up, he done did some ‘ish and done hit ‘Lil Redd, Drew the nickname for my ‘Lil Cousin Jessica. See Quinn is my Auntie Boyfriend or whatever, and well, she is currently still married to my Uncle. Her & Quinn been going through some drama lately, this would be my second time over there in one night. I Grabbed my METRO & slipped on my flip flops and hurried out the door. I quickly yelled at my Uncle, whom is so slow at getting dressed, "Do you want me to call DRE?", he said yes, of course. DRE is my Big Brother, Tall and Chocolate with Dimples that would make Ya’ heart melt, & Broads are crazy about him. But he gotta Bad Bitch at home & whom is the mother of his kids, DANA. She a Gorgeous Redbone, Long hair & She Keep her shit tight. Her Dress Code is impeccable, She Resembles Aaliyah or Mya depends on her hair styles sometimes. My Brother out done himself this time. I called his phone and her phone maybe 10 times each. Yelling into the phone "DRE PICK UP THE DAMN PHONE", panting heavily because my nosy ass wanted to go over to see what the hell is happening with Quinn & My Aunt. Dana finally picked up when I hit her up on the chirp. She had that sleepy voice that automatically registered in my mind she and Dre’ were asleep, awaiting sunlight to start their jobs. I asked her many times "Where is Dre". She replied annoyingly, "He waking up, hold on". About a minute later while my Uncle was started up the Dodge Ram, and that’s when she Beeped back. "Dre putting on a shirt & stuff, What’s Rita number, all the numbers I got is Disconnected?, she asked me. I gave her my Aunt math & that let me know she was about to call her & see What’s up. Already on Highway 27, passing Lake Harris. Dana beeped back. Saying Rita said it was alright if Dre didn't come & she knew we was already on the way. That was the end of that Conversation. Im trying to gather in my head how the scenario went that made Quinn click. The previous visit Me & Uncle made, Quinn had took her truck without her knowing. With knowledge we all knew Quinn didn't have License & was Driving Under Influence. I shook my head. I disliked him but came to get over it because


He didn't mean me any harm. We arrived and Lil Redd was heated. This my ‘Lil Cuz and being with her since, Forever. I know all her mood faces like the back of my hand. She was slightly cursing, not even giving a fuck that her Dad was a Deacon. In the inside I laughed. She was telling my Uncle how Quinn kept running up on her and Mom, My aunt. I’m thinking I gotta go up there. Lil Redd climbed into the truck. She wanted My Uncle to Locate the police right away because Quinn was in the apartment. See My Lil Cousin was a Beautiful Redbone. Her need for expensive shit was beyond extravagant. She was highly intelligent for her age. I learned from her. She taught me so many things over the years spent living with her. We had some Rough times & of course the Good times. She was a Tall not too Short, stallion built Young Lady. Brilliant Smile & I adored her Sarcastic quotes & her ability to shut you down in any argument. Shawty was a trip, but i Still admire her. I’m running up the stairs, anticipating that my Aunt had her debit card so I can Get quickly online and buy my Missing Father's address. That nigga’ need to file for SSC so I can get backpay. I was seriously in need of Cash. I was greeted by Murphy. A Short kinda’ Chubby Brown skinned dude. Gold’s line up and down his mouth. I looked at him hard for a minute when I recognized him. He was kind of cute. He had beer on his breath, Completely turn off. He explained to me what happen a little bit. He kept tryna feel on me, saying he saw my Website with "My" pictures on there. I became disgusted and excused myself and entered the Apartment, in search of my Auntie. No arguing going on so I made myself comfortable in Jesse’s Computer chair and began to explore my Myspace mail & UrbanChat messages. "Give me my shit back", I heard Quinn say. "No, You gave them to me as a gift", my Aunt replied. Police came and Told Quinn he can't remain on the premises until Morning I guess. Him & my Aunt began to Argue right there in front of Troll. Quinn said "You Fucking Whore" as he exited the apartment, and all hell broke lose. Lil Redd began to curse and defend her Mother by any means necessary. He was out like that and Everyone began to simmer down a little. I immediately remembered I gotta get my Dad's Address, & asked My Aunt where her debit card was. Not wasting anytime I hurried to her Blazer with her car keys. I done searched for a bout 5 minutes and couldn't find the damn thing. "UGH!", I screamed. I was irritated as hell. Something in my mind told me Quinn or Murphy or whoever was in this Truck with him on his Escapades, someone got it. I shook my head. Idiots can't use it without the Pin Number. Fifteen dollars was on the damn thing anyhow. Finally it was down to go home. My Uncle


Sugar had went up and his Toes began to Itch. I had to drive the route home. I climbed back into my bed and finished the book "Get Money Chicks", by Anna J.

Chapter 2. JAIDAH

B.

I’m Jaidah B, a nickname I gave myself back in '02. I rarely tell people what the “B“ stands for, but here goes. I used to be incredibly in love with Jody Breeze. My favorite underground rapper of all time, so taking his “Breeze“ kind of grew on me, but I shortened to sound more appropriate. I just turned 18, on August 21st. Finally!, but still not employed but was still getting broke off from time to time from various niggas. I’ma Redbone. About 5 ft 8 or 9. Weighing around a hundred and fifty six pounds . Long Black hair that comes down my back. No curves, I work with what I got though whether I got a body like Buffie. I’m alluring. I wouldn’t say cute, ‘cuz that shit is for puppies. I pull with what I got. I’m open but yet still Mysterious. Strong but still Vulnerable. Intelligent but willing to learn. Beautiful but not all that pretentious. My mother told me my Real Dad is a West Indian. So when you see my room, that explains the 5ft by 3ft flag-towel hanging up on my wall. Or the numerous reggae bands and necklaces I own. I’m very poetic, written a total of 248 poems since my Grandmother died in 2002. I was 12 then. She was my inspiration to write and put any kind of struggle I was in to just put it on paper. I’ma crazy broad, ask my peoples. I love making anyone Laugh. But I’m Gangsta though, Aint too much afraid of shit. Been through too much to be scared of petty shit. I can sing too, I gotta Single out right now. Shit is Fiyah!!! It explains a Girl hardtiming with her Dude that hustles & how she is and gonna’ continue to claim by his side. My Family attaching to it, Which makes my Heart smile. People tell me i should pursue a career in it, but nah. I can sing not Sang, & that’s a big ass difference. I excel in Web Designing. I Got my own Website. I write songs and hopefully one day, I can record some of them. I’ma goof troop that I take proudly. I’ma highly witty person. If you ask about me the first thing they say besides "She from Yalaha" is "She Crazy". They say some people couldn't even be remembered by the things they did on this earth & I can say I will. The things I might have did in the past and will do possibly in the future will be remembered. Sometimes I feel like an outcast. My love life isn't that great. My home stability is ok. I’m different. Everyone say their different but I am. I knew that growing up alone. My brother wasn’t my age


to play with except my best friend Mia. I never work in groups in school. I felt like Work could be accomplished faster by myself & It has. I just picked up $200 from Western Union. A dude I just met name Tony wired it to my from Ft. Myers. What I had to do for it? Nothing Boss. He just a real Nigga like that, & even suggested me to keep the Money & never to talk to him again. I Laughed because I Couldn't do anyone like that, Even though I have in the past. Shit, if he giving like that, He a keeper. He a cool ass dude. Beautiful Intelligence, which I’m heavily attracted to. I Continue to talk to him, because he got a good heart & might not know when I may need him again. I Live in this Country ass town called Yalaha. Nothing But Chickens & Peacocks roam & Few crack heads. I’m right down from my Mother's crib. I don’t stay with her because, She a drug addict. That’s my Ma'dukes. I don’t care what she do, I still love her. I confide in her with anything I got to do or done did. Everyday that I wake up, & clean up the house & freshen up. I walk to her house, having her a cup of ice, 'cause she loves ice. Then we get to talk about this and that, just a Mother-Daughter Talk.

Chapter 3. TRAVIS. "Fuck you Travis, what the hell you want!?", I yelled in to my phone at Travis. Travis is an attractive Big Time hustler. Short and Big Like. My latest infatuation were Big Dudes. Their style was Sexy. A Big Dude with his Dress Code fly, with no hint of sloppiness. "Why you yelling at me like Book?!", he replied calmly in the phone. "I got better shit to do then hear any bullshit you got to say Travis, so I’ma ask again, What the hell you want?, I said irritably decreasing hostility in my voice, so he can tell me what the hell he want so I can easily get the fuck off the phone. "I’m bout to come out there, Can I see you?", he asked like he was whispering. "Whatever Travis, Do you", I answered him & hung up with no hesitation. See He was cool at first, shot me Game I easily peeped. He told me shit like "I Like you A lot", "I want to make you mine", "I can see us being together". Shit like that irks my nerve. Just say you want the Pussy so I can be on my Merrily lil' way, ya dig?. Beating around bush ass niggas annoy me, But when niggas come out blunt and be like "I just want to fuck", I become easily hurt, For some reason I do not know. I fucked Travis in his Pontiac GT, by my own Will. Shit, I was curious. With no draws on, Shit I was itching to see how his pipe game was. I was attracted to his Attire &


Street Intellect. After he strapped up I thought to myself that this Nigga had to be on some Pill or something, 'cause the whole time he was on top of me, he kept looking around like Troll was Lurking or something. I tighten my Pussy Muscles on his Dick as he Gyrated his fat ass thighs on top of me, He moaned. It was his Long Stroking me that made me Grab the head rest. For a Short Chubby Nigga, his dick was Long and Not too Thick. I admit it was Good. Not the best I've had, But I was more happier when he hopped out the GT butt-booty ass naked and walked to the Driver side to climb back in. I Didn't even break a damn sweat. Dope Boys keep their AC blasting, I was shivering and grinding at the same time. I regain my composure, putting back on my boxers and Crossed my legs. He put his clothes back on & twisted the key in the ignition and looked over at me and Smile. "Wow", I thought in the back of mind & thought "Which homeboy gonna know about this". We drove out of Zellwood, Only to be flagged down by a Cookie Buyer. I flipped through his CD collection and found four T.I P vs. T.I. CD's. I thought what the hell a Dude need with 4 bootlegs of the same Album. I Shrugged. I turned up "Da’ Dope Man", I began listening to T.I lyrics, I was feeling this. I looked out the window to see what the hell was taking Travis so long to get back to the car. I was kinda scared being at a Trap House, that I wasn’t Familiar with. Not too soon after "Da’ Dope Man", went off, Travis Entered the Driver Seat. He cut the Car Inside Lights on and Smiled at me. "Did you look through my phone while I was gone?" he asked me. With My eyes looking straight on the road as he drove off from the Trap, I replied with "A Main never wonder's about her Competition". I thought to myself You can have an Ol' Lady as a hustler, but that Main has to respect that the Hoes are for everybody. Knowing All Dope Boy's aren’t faithful half the damn time, he remained silent. He asked me Was I hungry before turning on my Road, I Said No. When it was time to drop me off, he hugged me long. I Squeezed his ass to Let him know I wasn’t done with him just yet. He had jus got lucky and got a sample. His laugh was interrupted by a phone call. Some Chick, Obviously an Anonymous Caller, was saying she know him. I Laughed at the Dumb broad. When he asked her how he Looked & she describe him as a totally different person. We said our "Goodbye‘s", & that was it. I Hopped in the house, and quickly showered & Dialed up my Sissy! To tell her the Juicy Details of what just took place.


Chapter 4. SUNSHINE. I pressed the No. 3 key on my keypad that Directly called Sunshine. I called her my Sissy, because Lately, We've been getting close like Sisters. She lazily answered, "What Sissy?". I just spilled out what happened. I stopped time to time to get her reaction. I tell her almost everything. She a bowlegged, Brown-Skinned Girl with a Inherited Derriere. She my ace-boon coon. My Number one Road Dawg. I confide her in almost everything. We Like a Tag Team. If I talk to a Dude, then immediately I'll ask him do he got a homie for my Girl, and with her She does the same, tryna hook me up. We ain’t locked down so what the hell. You can never have too many friends. Ya feel me?. She been tryna get me to ask Travis for a homeboy, but I kept tryna tell her He bout bullshit. I called his phone on three-way, tryna get into some shit. Knowing he got an i205 boost phone, I just figured the last digits of his Number would be the pass code for his VOICEMAIL. Exactly on the damn dot. There it was. I put in 3-0-1-6 when that operator said "Please enter your pass code". Then it said "You have 15 messages". Damn. It was that easy I thought. Me & Sissy listened to each message, even one message about 4 times, tryna get the callback number. 'Cause one girl was talking mad shit to Travis on his VOICEMAIL. Me & Sissy just laughed at how his phone was old & wasn’t up-todate on supplying us with the Callback Number. After several attempts, it finally said it was an "Outside Caller". The broad blocked her number, Me & Sissy knew instantly. That’s one of the most times me and my Sissy have fun together. Whether its Walking up and down the road laughing at our Enemies tryna lose weight or Tag Teaming niggas on a daily basis. She got the cutest Son named Devonne. That was my boo, my TANK TANK!!!, I call him that after I heard his Grandpa called him that one day. I already graduated from HS, & It’s my Sissy turn to walk the Stage. Sadness filled my body when in a week, school would be starting & I would be Missing my Sissy. We talked on the phone until morning time. About dumb shit & some Exclusive shit before yawning. Knowing both our asses need to be in bed.


Chapter 5. MY GIRLS.

I woke up to Michelle banging on my damn door. This hoe know a bitch didn't wake up until after 12. Dragging myself to the door. I opened the door angrily & asked sleepily, "What the hell you want?". She laughed and said she needed to use my damn brush. I gave it to her without hesitation. Slammed my door and crawled back into bed. These hoes always borrowing from somebody. Her sister is my Gutta’ B.F.F. We've been best friends since we was eating dirt. We done did some shit to make you 65 and look back and laugh til' ya dentures popped out. Mia is my Ride or Die. Growing up as Childhood friends, I called her my own personal Mia X, but as time passed by I renamed her Lady X. She can freestyle & dance for a big girl. Mia was Dark-skinned, Big but got her shit together. A Cute Girl with the right Touch-ups. Everybody thought instantly that she was Gay, because of the Tomboyish shit she would rock. She digs Men mostly though, but recently fell in love with a girl name Charity. I thought she might up bumped her head, 'cause just a year ago she didn’t know how to react when I told her I was interested in Girls. My interest in Women became in Middle School. The way a Female is blessed with Curves & Beautiful Assets were intriguing to me. I made my Sexual preference known in High School. My first Girlfriend was Christina Seldana. A Cute ass Rican. No body though, but she was still a Sexy Little Thang. As a freshman, we were just Writing Notes. I guess I wasn’t into the public attention with a Girl at the time because I was a lil' scared at first to admit I had a "Girlfriend", she broke up with me. She said it was because she needed my affection. Hell, I was a rookie at the time, I was at lost for what to do with a girl. If I knew what I knew now I would of made her my Bitch. I would of had her so sprung, I would of made her buy my lunch, even tho' I got free lunch. Christina was nothing but a week fling. She was nothing like my She Secret. Laughs Out Loud.


Chapter 6. SHE,

SECRET.

She was a Dime in my eyes. She became my Baby. My First Try with Girl on Girl action. I cant reveal her name So that’s why I call her my She, Secret. See She, Secret were just as horny & curious just like me. I wanted her more than anything, & still do til' this day. It began one Sunday evening when she called my phone saying she got a Secret. Being a nosy broad like myself I welcomed her Secret. She told me she wanted to Try some shit, & I was the Number one Candidate. I was happier than ever. Our first try was at her house. She was taking lose her hair, & I wanted her, but was too scared. Remember I’ma Rookie at this Eating out Shit or Doing whatever with a Female. We went straight to her bedroom. Sliding off her panties, I’m staring at her Pussy, with a confused look on my face. I was lost at to know what to do. She was obviously soaking them boxers 'cause I saw it dripping down to her ass. I began to lick & suck. I thought I was doing something right, 'cause her body was jerking just a little. She got up & told me "This is how you do it". I layed on my back & took off my boxers Slow. She began to go in, but quickly backed down. She said I was too hairy. We Laughed together. From that day on. I shave every week. She made me realize a Bush is not appealing. She layed her pussy on top of my face, tryna ride it. I devoured her Pussy into my mouth. Not even 30 seconds later I told her she was Suffocating me. We Laughed again. I through up her shirt, not even surprised she wasn’t wearing a bra, I sucked on her titties. She said to me "Lets see how you kiss". We kissed for a little minute. Delayed by a knock at the door, I had to be outta there. We had times were we Got together. But backed down from each other, 'cause each one of us knew we were feeling shit that we couldn’t feel for one another. I want her to be by my side, but I knew deep down She wouldn’t let that go down, but I still like her though. I try to not think about her or what we did, but every time I lay eyes upon her I just instantly brush my wants to the side because I couldn’t have her the way I wanted.

Chapter 7. YAMANI. "Baby Guess what?", Yamani asked me while we were on the phone. Yamani Rashad Ball was an Excellent Basketball Player. I knew him since we had conversation online back in 2001. I gamed him on


false information & fake pictures & acted like they were me. As the years grew by, I found myself maturing about the situation and came out and confessed. He accepted it but I can tell her lost some trust in me. From that day forward I vowed to never lie. "I love you too", I replied to him. We burst out laughing because every time I tell him or he tells me "Guess What", he'll always say "I Love you", and have me like "Ugh" because I would fall for it half the time thinking he'd have something Juicy to tell me. When you coming up here?" he asked me in a seriously tone while I was still laughing. Straightening myself I replied, "Whenever you pay for the plane ticket". "Aright, I’ma look up the Plane Ticket prices in a minute", he said to me. I began to feel butterflies for some odd reason. Something told me he wasn’t playing about flying me to Chicago. For 6 years and counting, Yamani & I haven’t seen each other in reality. I just saw him in Pictures when I Google his name. "When would you be ready to come up here?" he asked me. Lost in my own thoughts I just blurted out, “Whenever Bae”. See me and Yamani aren’t together. We just Love the hell out of each other. But as seeing him increasingly approaching Stardom and Entering the Draft, he promised we would have a future together. I got happy and Sad at the same damn time. My thoughts drifted back when I asked him when was the last time he had sex on a Sunday Night. He took a minute to answer and Lately replied with Friday just passed. I burst into tears, dropping the phone. I felt betrayed for some reason. But after hearing him say innumerable apologies like “Baby I’m sorry”. I came back myself and realized we weren’t together & both were free to do as we please. I was in Florida and he was in Chicago. “I want to get you out her in October” he said to me. “Great, My birth certificate would arrive in a month so I can apply for ID” I replied. I was a 18 year old with no id. No Driver License. Basically I was Non-Existent in the State of Florida currently. I said to myself that would give me time to gather money and luggage & all that. I was happier than ever that I was finally meeting Yamani after 6 years. I Love this man that more than life itself. I would do almost anything for him. He was everything I ever wanted. But I feared that would change being in reality with him later this year. We only known each other on the phone. I haven’t even smelt him, touch him, felt his embrace. So actually being with him is totally different after 6 years phoning each other. I was curious to make love to him. I can picture his Tall Brown sugar


coated ass figure on top of me. My Caramel Thighs wrapped around his body. It made my body shiver from time to time just thinking about it. His big soup-cooler full lips drowning my lips. Gosh, I Couldn’t Wait. In the middle of the conversation I had a Beep. “KAERON” flashed across the screen. I Told ‘Mani I’ll call him right back in 5 minutes, then I clicked over.

Chapter 8. SPECIAL KAE. “Hello” I answered. “The fuck you doing”, he asked me. “Nothing, bored & you?” I replied back to him. “The fuck you ain’t call me back?” he asked. “I was just about to” I replied blatantly. “Why you gotta lie dawg?”. “Kae’ please, damn next goddamn subject”. I was so annoyed every time he call’s me with that bullshit. We so inseparable but yet couldn’t stand each other. It was the day after I spent the night with him. Last night was unbelievable, touring to his city on i-75 while he got Gucci Mane blasting my damn ear drums. We ended up at Pee Wee house. His room was fully laced with a TV this time. That big ass King Size bed, a bathroom & a cold ass small fan that blew hard like a mini AC. I swallowed down my Watermelon Smirnoff he brought me. Having a Dude that’s 21 and over pays off sometime. Taking my Jeans off and leaving on nothing but my Wife Beater & boxers. I just had got out the shower when he scooped me up. I Layed in his bed. He Layed beside me. We talked & Talked. Kissed & practically hunched like 3rd graders. I Felt Like I could spend the rest of my life with Special Kae. That shit blew outta my dome when I thought it couldn’t last ‘cause we both have our temper tantrums frequently with one another. I met Special Kae last Year in 2006. He got my DC number off my Myspace where I supplied it Freely in the bio Section for anyone who had Chirp to Hit me Up. He acknowledged that he wanted to get to know me. I looked him up. He was a 6 foot 4 nigga. Tall Brown skinned. Gold Grilled up, but Finer than a Mutha‘. I was happy that he called me. Throwed off for a minute. I didnt give in at first. He called me from time to time & I just Qued his calls. When I got bored, I called him. I dugged him ever since then. On November First I asked him was he Single. He told me Yeah. So I initiated we got together. He was Down. The next day On that Friday we had our first date. He drove down from Ocala, we went to Steak & Shake,


where I lost my damn phone & hit up the Theatres to see SAW 3. Not even 5 days later, he got all uptight on the phone when I was tryna ask him some Questions. He called me back later & said I was too far & that he couldn’t do a Relationship at the time. I thought to myself something is up and we were only 34 miles apart. After aggravating to get answers outta him, he finally gave in and told me he was in an off & on relationship & that he loved the girl where he was at. I felt like I was heartbroken. He was so sweet. It only been 7 months before that when I last had a boyfriend. So what he did to me was drastic. I couldn’t keep it off my mind for a month straight. After that I just gathered my life together & moved on. Later that next year in April, we found each other again. They broke up. I finally thought to myself I can finally get him. He gave me his Number unexpectedly. We talked and became Inseparable ever since then. After kissing & hassling him to get it in. He came inside of me. Special Kae was Tall. Had big Feet, so of course he had a Big Dick. Shit was huge. As he layed on top of me, I tried to Tighten my Pussy muscles. “Stop man, that shit hurt” I laughed. “Suck that shit up Nigga, How am I hurting you?” I asked him still laughing. “I just came in you” he told me. I was in Shock. It was a few days before I reached 18. “I just know you didnt do that Kae!” I yelled at him, tryna get him off me. “I just..yeah..in..you” he said to me laughing. I quickly got up after letting it marinate for about 5 minutes and ranned to the bathroom in the dark. I felt it gushing out of me while I sat wiping myself repeatedly. “EWWWWWW!!” I screamed. “What’s wrong?” Special Kae asked laughing. “Shut the hell up, this shit ain’t funny. I don’t want kids KAERON!” still screaming at him. After plenty of times wiping myself I climbed back into bed & we talked about having a family & what our future kids would look like. After that long talk, I realized I never expressed myself to him about how I did him wrong for sleeping with his Homie Tha Thugg, so I thought I’d address it now. I knew I was wronger than two damn left feet for doing that shit to him. I've been bashing broads that do that to they old man and look at me? I did the shit. Tha Thugg was tempting & that what made me lose sight of Kae in an instant. After pouring my heart out & said I regretted it, I Told him I Loved him, & he Told me he Loved me too. I Layed myself on my stomach because that’s how I fall asleep, he put his arm around my waist, Said our Goodnights & Kissed. We both fell asleep.


Chapter 9. TUG

THA THUGG.

After giving my number to Tug on Myspace. He called me a couple of days afterwards. It was Saturday, June. 16th 2006. I was in the hair salon about to get my usual wrap, when i got a text message. It was from a 352-613 Number, displaying a message that read “Hey Jaidah”. I instantly text back “Who is ‘Dis?” “This Tug from Myspace, You left me ya number”. Hot Damn! I though to myself trying not to yell in the Salon. See Tug was a Redd Fine ass Nigga. Probably about 6 foot. Shoulder length dreads & Perfect ass skin. Nigga was Beautiful. We texted for what seemed like hours, before calling one another. “Hello” I answered. “What’s up Miss Jaidah?” he asked me. I was melting in the inside. “I’m good just tryna get my hair done” I told him. “Who you tryna look good for Miss Lady?” he asked. “You, so you can come see me” i giggled. “Oh is that Right, want me to come today?” he asked surprised. “Hell yeah” I laughed. We talked for a long time, before my damn battery died. I was mad as hell. I would of brought my damn charger if my shit was gonna die, but i didnt know tho’. I rushed home, at around 7pm. I though Tug wouldn’t want to come see me ‘cause it was kinda late. I called him back saying how sorry I was & that he could still come. He asked what would he have to take to get down here. I told him I-75. I hopped in the shower & waiting for him to arrive. He rolled up in a 2 door Black Tahoe. I climbed in. He flick the lights on & asked me did i like what I saw. I told him hold up, let me regain my composure before asking. Tug knew he was fine. I guess he just wanted Chicks to keep acknowledging that. We arrive to his home. A big ass house, with a Gate. I joked with him, talking bout he needed to be on MTY Cribs. He was real nice. Telling me to Excuse the trees that were obviously been cut down because trees fall down easily when Hurricane Season comes. We approached his Dog Section in his backyard & he introduced me. I asked him “Could I have a puppy?”, and he told me “Yeah, i’ll give you one”. He quickly went to lock the gate & open up the garage doors. I was appalled. One SUV truck and a Mercedes. Obviously his parents were banking, Remembering that he had the house to himself & that his parents were off to a Business meeting down South. He opened the front door & let me in. Someone had taste & it must of been his mother. He gave me a nice detailed Tour. The house was well furnished. A Big Living room. An office with a Couch & shit. A Cute Little Kitchen. Then he showed me the pool.


It Lit up so beautifully. I remembered Tug asking me Did i Swim. He showed me the bathroom & his brothers Bedroom. I automatically came upon his room. There were Jordan’s lined all up against every wall in his room. He had a DVD and Game collection. Closet laced with Coogi & Evisu. Tug was a Hustler, & starting to have his own Business, Get-YourShine-On Detailing. We popped in the movie Belly. We Took some pictures in his bathroom, I even took a video of him. We laughed because he was acting like he didnt know who house we were in. We finally got to the point were our bodies was calling each other. After taking pictures of me hungrily giving him head, I wouldn’t and felt like I couldn’t stop. Tug’s dick was the first ever dick I tasted & was sweeter than ever. He whispered to me he wanted to fuck me in the boy shorts i had on. He strapped up. His shit felt big & I was hungry for him. I saw that the condom was a Lifestyle and not Magnum. Damn it felt like a Magnum. After fucking for about 30 minutes straight, we were tired. He was still high. He cut off the movie, because the credits had gone off & the Menu began to become annoying replaying itself over & over. I fell asleep under his arm. I awoke to his phone vibrating under my pillow. A Sale I thought. He got up & left. I fell back asleep. Next thing I woke up. He was sound asleep, with his head on his arm. His dreads slightly covering his face. I reached for my Digital Camera to take a picture. I took 2 pictures of him sleeping. I took the Flash off so he couldn’t hear it. After the 2nd picture he tossed his head to the other side. I woke him saying i got you sleeping. He didnt knew I already took pictures. I reviewed the Cam and let him peep. He laughed. I drifted back asleep. I woke up to find my clothes neatly folded at the end of the bed & him walking around the house fully dressed. He said he would be taking me home. I got up and Pee’d. It was Father’s Day Sunday. He dropped me off & hugged me, & told me he’ll call me to tell me he made it home safely. Knowing this was Kaeron’s Homie, & Tug had a history fucking with his Chicks. I felt like I was a hoe. I texted him & asked him, “Do you feel less of me when I gave it up on the first night”, he texted back saying “Not at all Sweetheart. I felt like i was in the good, not knowing the heartache ahead.


Chapter 10. HURTS

SO BAD.

I opened a new Word pad on my Computer and just let my fingers type away a Letter to Tha Thugg... ..With Trina's "Don't Go Ft. Qwote" on repeat.. I keep thinking of you.. should i stop calling you.. stop texting you.. b/c you've already stated no to. I cant stop thinking of you.. I seem so lost.. I cook and don’t eat all... I bathe and hold my head under the shower head and watches down as the water and my tears flow down the drain.. I keep thinking about what i did wrong.. I feel so incomplete.. I mean this isn’t love making me act this way.. I’m acting crazy & deranged over a one night fling.. maybe I’m sprung.. maybe I should of seen this coming.. maybe I was played.. so naive to believe we'd become something.. ha.. I think of you when I’m on the phone with others.. they ain’t you.. and its killing me knowing I cant have you.. why? I SERIOUSLY don’t have any knowledge to as of why.. I’ve been labeled fake and I don’t seem how.. I think of people to call you 2 see where your head at.. I even think of showing up at your door step.. not the girl you thought I was... wow.. where did that come from.. Its been a month and a couple of days since I heard your voice and all of a sudden I’m flaw in your book.. how? with what evidence.. should I let it go.. I’m trying but something telling me don’t.. I’m acting stalker-childish over a nigga...that ain’t even paying any attention to me.. my self-esteem level ain’t low. Its just hard to de-attach from someone I like hard.. how can I let go when you wont talk to me and give me closure? I’m going all out of my element.. character.. self.. way.. to talk to me.. Have you ever had a chick like this.. go hard for a nigga that act like he didn’t want her? are you proud of yourself.. ? this some bullshit.. my mind frame says Jaidah be a big girl.. move on.. but the other side telling me why move on from something she always dreamt of having.. yeah so here I am again searching to find you. The man that gave me the deepest and heart breakable rejection. The man that’s the reason why I act half-heartless to any man now. Coldhearted to some of my family remarks on how I should let you go. I know there’s no ounce in you that would ever take a look at me again, so I begin to.. Add you from other people's pages. Call you restricted (like once a month). Dream of you and even fantasize about you. You even have 2 chapters In my book Im writing. Even a Song. One man made all this effect on me and He doesn't even care. Why I do not know? The only man That I extremely chased to be with and I’m not ashamed to say it either. We was vibe'n real


good. I thought we shared something & after not talking after several months & trying to talk to you, I get rejected by "you wasn’t the type of girl I was looking for?" I don’t know where that came from. But how do I get labeled fake after 2 months of not even conversing with you? Did I say something wrong? Did I do something REALLY bad? Shit just ain’t releasing from my mind. I taught myself to not think of you. To not text you. To not call you. To not aggravate you to answer me why. I’m somewhat not complete, if this makes me sound pathetic then so be it. I don’t even love you and you got me acting like an ass. Outta my element. Not even close to my character or how I was raised. Why wont you talk to me?.... conversed nicely & fucked in the same night.. & now I’m not the girl you thought I was?.. yeah right, I taught myself to never get attached to niggas like you. .and look what I did.. Fell like a nerdy bitch with her shoes untied, even flaunted a fake smile to hide the hurt you caused me.. I wondered for days, question myself for days why you did me dirty.. I guess its a dog eat dog world & I got ate with some onions and potatoes.. I guess you live and you learn.. I ended the letter. I haven’t even spoke to Tha Thugg since Father’s day. Now when 2 months pass & I text him to come see me, he says no. He said I wasn’t the Girl he thought I would be. I felt like shit. I haven’t talked to him in so long so what brought him to this conclusion. I asked my Girl to call him to see what’s up. He let her know I wasn’t what he wanted. I vowed that ill try again on my birthday. Sunshine tried again on my birthday. She said before she can get her sentence out, he replied aggrivatedly that he No longer wanted to part of knowing me or talking to me. He asked her to tell me to stop calling him, texting him. Just stop contacting him all together. I was so hurt so I text him. “How can you be so cruel?, I only ask one thing”. A “Restricted Call” popped up on my Horizontal Caller Id. She addressed herself as Tha Thugg’s Ol Lady. She said She would appreciate if I stopped calling him & so forth. I said Ok, not trying to Escalate shit, & keep my grounds. If he just wanted to fuck & leave he could of been a man and told me. After That I moved on, but not completely moving on. After downloading Ciara’s “And I” instrumental. I wrote a Song, and renamed it So I. A Song expressing how I felt about the Tha Thugg situation.


Chapter 11. PROMISCUOUS AND

LOVE.

Where Do I begin this time? I ask myself. As years and months roll by I feel myself being highly promiscuous. Sleeping with men without having any kind of background information. With them having knowledge that a Wet Pussy and Empty pockets don't match, they were game. I always wore protection, even when I felt uncomfortable with it hurting me. As the years & months rolled by & I got coldhearted by the minute, I was liable to fuck anyone. I've got a couple of skeletons in my closet that I’m not too proud of. Hey alotta people do, so why should I feel like an outcast? I Concreted in my mind that If a man could club all night & spend money on a broad to fuck and never call her again if he may chooses, then why can't a woman do the same? With that in mind, I made it Man-Like to carry myself Lady Like but with a Man's Mentality. Fuck like a man & never call the victim again. Just do what I do. Collect & Be out. I wouldn't say its prostituting, I would say it's man-like. I’m laughing at my own thoughts & perspective in the inside. I put my guards up never to love without purpose. I've liked some real hard but never pressuring the "Love" word. After going through what I have been through, childhood & present. Love is obsolete to me. What is love? I Laugh at that. I’m too young to know what is love. When I’m fucking I vow to never catch feelings. I’m a young woman and love has only led me to my family, half of them I’m still questioning if Love is there. I've cared for previous men long & hard & just use the word "LOVE" in substitute for "I care hard for you".

Chapter 12. MEMORIES. Whilst picking out a Purple Beautiful Shirt out of the clothing stop, I stop to think of my Wonderful Grandmother. Dorothy L. Graham. Her favorite color was Purple. She was my backbone. My Heart. My Inspiration. My Mother. My mind drifts back to the times where she would style my hair old fashioned, big old braids & what not. Her beautiful smile, dentures in or out. She was a wise woman. Very knowledgeable. When her death hit me, I started writing poetry. She died when I was 12, peaking the age of 13. Her demise hit me crucially. Having to move in with my Aunt, I felt like my world was crashing in front of me. Crying myself to sleep to many too count nights. Crying while showering & see my tears wash down the drain or soaking into my pillow sheets. I missed & still miss my


Grandmother dearly. laugh & smile were so adorable. The way she would beat me out of my sleep. I Laughed in the inside at catching me when I’m sleep to whoop me. I guess I didn’t clean my room that day. See I’m a neat freak, only at the right times. I like when shit gets extremely messy to clean it up real Exquisite like. My memory serves me well. Ask anyone, they'll tell you I have the best of memory. I’m a visual learning so I never forget a way to get somewhere the 2nd time around, night or day. I’m excellent with remembering numbers & events throughout the years. I’m a golden child I guess as some say, but I’m still shockingly rebellious.

Chapter 13. DROWNED

IN THOUGHTS.

Just coming home from Mia house, watching Big Momma's House 2. I went to my Uncle's bedroom to check & see if he was alright. Just as I thought, he was sound asleep. I fixed myself a big cup of mountain dew with the right amount of Lemon Juice to give it a better taste before heading to my bedroom to play a few games of Spider Solitaire. I had a hair appointment in the morning I thought. I sat at my computer desk rummaging through all the Men that have left me emotionally scarred & the ones that just wouldn’t work out. I think about Tha Thugg very often. I text him Goodnight every night. No matter how many times he tells me not to, I still text. I can be hard headed some times but what the hell, he might come to his senses & come to the conclusion that this girl really cares. I just finished texting Yamani. He has been sick. I never seen him in this manner. I just feel awful. I miss him. I miss his voice. It saddens me that I cant be with him in his time of Sickness. I think of when will Special Kae call me. Then again I really don’t care. We've been through so much that I can honestly careless if he ever call me again. I ignored Travis today when he asked me for his Voicemail pass code. He called me Stupid. I wanted to slap the shit out of his punk ass, but something said not to. That was the 1st sign of Disrespect. Thank God I let him go when I did. He is a lying piece of shit. For a grown ass man, he lies too much. To me Lying is for cowards, or at least I've came to permanently conclude to that. I just wrote QB a letter. He's been locked up over a year. I miss him dearly. He's due to get out of the middle of next year. Best believe i'll be here, waiting. I met QB while in 8th Grade. We shared this relationship that was beautiful & still is til' this day. The age difference was greater then. Now that I’m getting older the difference has


became a dead issue. I was 14 at the time & he was 24. He was living in South Carolina. We met online. His intellect excited me for a 14 year old. Even though he didn’t know at the time, he found out sooner or later. We had our falling outs. He kept dissolving the fights with "I don’t know why I ask so much of you when your the age you are". "QB" they call him. "QB's Queen" they call me. We talked about kids. It was never at heights of our conversations, but he wanted a little girl with the nameplate "QB's Lil Princess" engraved on a necklace & for me to be the Mother. Thoughts drifted back to my First Love Reginald Davis. A Black Ass nigga, who was cute to me. Other's didn’t find him quite appealing. I threw down for him. Bout him X-box games. Snuck him in and out my windows sometime. We spent the day before Valentine's day "making love". At age 12 he had me mesmerized. For many months I stalked his house phone, wanting & dreaming for him to be ALL mines. Then the day he asked the question. I excused myself from the phone & cried on the floor of my bathroom. It was like a dream come true. Then it all ended when I got in the 9th grade. 6th grade to 8th grade, he was mines. Thoughts of my previous loves enter my mind time after time. The moments I spent which each will linger in my heart forever.

Chapter 14. THE

NYMPHO.

Picture a Short Light Skinned Slightly Built, due to time in prison, Baldheaded Nigga with a mouth full of gold’s. My panties get moist on the sight of this nigga. Cutest Smile & everything. I met him through D Black, my home girl ol' man. The Nympho is his brother. When I first met him, he was rocking a 2 piece dickie suit. He reminded me of the Rapper named Plies. Nigga was fine. I was amazed at how gorgeous he was. We arrived at his house, then the rest was history. D Black & The Nympho took our me and my home girl clothes off on the couch right next to each other!. We looking at each other like damn, we getting ate out right beside each other. Then The Nympho took me to that hot ass room of his. He ate me like I was the last meal on earth. Head game was nicely vicious. I never had a nigga made me cum 2 times in one night!. Me & him could make a cute baby. His dick huge though, Long & Fat. I tried to be a Big Girl & shit, just couldn’t take it. Its something special about him though. I admire him a lot. I admire his freaky side a little too much though. He a sweetheart for real. I hope he stays in my life for awhile. Not because he amazing in the bedroom department, for his conversation too. He a good


person to vibe & chat with.

Chapter 15. MR

RICH.

He arrived in a dark colored Chevy Avalanche. We made sure we both approved of what we saw. Rode to a CD I mixed for him. Lit his black for him & puffed it for a couple of seconds while he drove back to his place on the turnpike. We arrived at his homeboy place, picked up some weed for a minute. Chatted with his homeboy, dude was fine. Long Dreads, Short, Built Body. A smitten image of Lil Wayne. We left there, & arrived at a big ass house. He never told me he has a house, I was surprised. He took me through a tour. Big ass master bedroom & his & her sinks. Nice sized living room. 3 bedroom with a 2 bath. After watching Justin Timberlake's concert went off, We exited the living room & entered his bedroom. We watched a rerun of Lil Kim's Countdown 2 Lockdown. We laid apart from each other. Then he started to massage my feet. He liked my choice of socks. I teased with him & asked him would he like to suck them, he seriously replied with "Yeah, but only with the lights off". He get at the end of my feet & place my right foot in his mouth. I shivered & even you couldn’t see my face in the dark, I had a big ass smile across my face. He put his tongue in each crease of my toes & slid his tongue down my legs & licked & sucked the creases of my thighs & did the other foot & leg & thigh as well. Then he slid my boxers off & panties. Then he headed for my mango. Whoa I thought to myself. I bit down hard in his pillows. Moaned & Groaned his name a couple of times. He licked my ass also. He made me think of The Nympho for a quick second. The Nympho did that shit too. Whew!. Sideways he assumed the 69 position. His dick was big. I couldn’t even deep throat it. I wind in his mouth while he stroked his manhood in & out my mouth. We started at 2 a.m. something with Round 1. We finished. He came & laid myself on my stomach. He caught his breath & began laying on top of me, licking my ears & shoulders. He dicked me down from the back, I couldn’t help myself, so I was running like hell. I tried to take it but my pussy wouldn’t let me. Trying to throw it back & shit. I kept running from him, I’ll admit it too shit. Round 2 ended with him on top of me. Round 3 started when he was eating me from the back. Then I gave him head & asserted my pussy on


him. Tried to ride him, I failed but got back up though. I rode him till' it felt comfortable to wind my ass on him faster & faster. He moaned in my ear "Fuck Me Jai..", his command was like fire to me. I did as followed & rode him faster in all directions. He moaned "This pussy so good", & with a grin on my face, like yeah I did that shit. I finished him off. He came. We laid there for a minute then he put his face between my legs & began to eat. My pussy was already sore just a little. He reassured me with that head game. He made me cum in a matter of seconds. I deep throated his dick while we was in that 69 position. I sucked so hard on his dick & licked on his nuts until I came. I threw him off me, 'cause I cant take being licked on after I cum. We laid in each other's arms. I could barely go to sleep. Nigga was snoring like a muthafuckin caveman. He woke me up like 4 hours later. We didn’t get to sleep until like 4am. Wow. I couldn’t even sit right in his passenger seat. I told him I still felt him inside of me. He started touching on me right on the turnpike. Nigga a freak. He fed me & dropped me off home. I thought to myself he got a good head game & stroke game for a Pharmacist. Nigga living large & Freaky enough for the both of us put together.

Chapter 16. 5

DUDES, 7 NIGHTS.

It all came to me as a joke as I sat down and thought this thing through. I knew a homie of mines was putting together a documentary together about having sex with 7 Girls in 7 Days, back to back. I was contemplating hard, should I or should I not? This is my life I’m jeopardizing. I didn’t think about it throughly, just got to it. With no outlook on what I was doing, I jus followed the nights I planned and some unplanned on out. It started with KP. A ugly ass nigga from Stuckey. Brittany hooked me up with him. He came and got me from Ashley house. The Thug Dyme addition to the Dyme Squad. Rode in the back of this White Boy car I guess. Brittany was the driver. My mind wondered on what was in store. for the night ahead. We arrived at his home. A color I couldnt recognize in the dark Donk sat in the backyard. We said our goodbyes to Brittany & Deon & The White boy. I made myself comfortable in his big ass bed, Covering the whole damn room. We watched a porno. He got in the mood & the rest is history. I didn’t allow him to put his dick in me. End of story. He was gross & just completely just unexplainable. He attempted many times to get his dick sucked, & just like that I declined many times.


I asked myself as I laid in his bed not too far from him, "Why the fuck Im in this situation?". My Bladder felt like it was about to burst, because he said he'd allow me to use his bathroom if I gave him head. So you know I went to sleep having to piss. I woke up and eventually pissed. His car Wasn’t working properly so he had to pay someone to bring me back to Ashley house. The second night was Breezy. A short ass chocolate nigga. Deep waves & just utterly gorgeous in his own way. We fucked on Ashley couch as Jessica lay on the sofa next to us. He was falling asleep and I was horny. I nibbled on his ear. He began to shiver & shit. He whispered "Don’t make me fuck the shit out of you.." I whispered back "Come On..". He found a condom and began to work the hell outta me. See fucking on a love seat is hard work. Knowing Men sweat easily, Oh My God. This nigga basically drowned me in his Sweat. His body jerked angrily letting me know he was Cumming. He whispered in my ear that my pussy was good to him, & that he ain’t want to cum but My Shit was making him. I giggled. He came & We talked. He drifted off to sleep. This nigga snored loudly like a goddamn Bear & shit. I made me a pallet on Ashley's hard ass floor & tried to go to sleep, With Daddy bear above me snoring. A Couple of days past & I was in need of some head. I called up Bishop. This expertise in laying down head. I had 69 with him a while back and Lord knows it was Beautiful. How we performed 69 in the back of his Impala? We managed. I showered & Freshened up, waiting at Ashley house for him to arrive after giving him directions. We found a spot at a close by park. We flicked his tongue ring at me. Letting me know what time it was. I gave him head first while T-pain's "Bartender" blast out his car stereo. My hair was loose, & like always he loves to pull it. We snatched my shorts off & found no panties and began to eat. I grabbed the head rests & let him do his thing. He does this trick with this interesting tongue ring he got. He giggled knowing what he do, to send shivers down my spine. We fucked & that was it. I liked Bishop for a little while, but it never went far. We were just 2 different people. O-C" was on Friday. I was on my way to my brother house. Me & "OC" fucked on a regular. Wasn’t my favorite but I liked him so that made it worth while. I knew he had a chick at home but that didn’t get in the way of me liking him & getting fucked & ate & paid. "O-C" put me in the mind of Nas with a twist of T.I. Red nigga with freckle’s. Gold’s that shine, with this


silly ass stand of his. Whenever we fucked, I felt something but nothing for long & as I grew maturer. It came to my knowledge that it was just Lust. My homie Double R, made it clear to me That when Me & "O-C" finish fucking, he goes home and sleeps under his woman & Im just left with a memory. So blinded thinking "O-C" loves me, I believed Double R, & with that I didn’t give a fuck about dude, but the paper that was issued to my hands from his pockets. My uncle taught me to never be cheap, & with recognizing that. I upped my price. We fucked in the back of his Car like always & that was it. Mon was Saturday night. Nothing Special about him, we just fucked, & with that The 5 dudes in 7 nights was over. I was jus experimenting that Women don’t have to be whores just because she fucked any one she wanted to. Special Kae was before KP, but he wasn’t in my experiment.

Chapter 17. THE

DREAD.

Met him on Myspace. I spotted him on someone's top. His display picture intrigue me to click it, by the way he was posing in the picture. The length of his dreads & his smile amazed me. Talked on the phone the same day as we met. Soon after that he GPS'd my address & came to see me. Pulled up in a Mercedes, older model. I climbed in. We talked for hours. We singed some of his songs to me & rapped some of to me too. He had great vocals, & me having vocals attracted me to him even more. We share something so beautiful in common. We started kissing. I admit his lips were soft and big. I liked it. I went for his ears & I guess it set him on fire. I could tell by the way he reacted. I can always tell im doing a good job if the opposite gender is moaning and getting breathless, but some people just get extra hot because that’s their HOTSPOT. We began to kiss violently. I mean nastily & greedily. I Loved it. I wanted him inside me more than ever. We Stopped and I giggled because I knew what I was doing. He sucked on my spots getting me moist. Oh Jesus! My insides creamed. He whispered "Baby I Want to Taste You". I Invited him too. He took of my pajama pants & my panties. He devoured me so incredibly. Every time I Think of that night, my thighs quiver. He ate me like No Oral experience I ever had before. He was patient Until I Came. My body jerked in his mouth. I Grinding my thighs around his head. I Was cumin' but didn’t


want to. Ladies have you ever been like that? That feeling that you about to release? I Just want to savor that feeling forever. I didn’t want to cum but It had to come out. I Nutted. That was the best feeling in the whole fucking world. That had to go down in history. This nigga head skills was above average. I place him Number One on them skills. We fucked until I had to pee. Lately I’ve been having to pee during sex. Amusing as it sound it is. We Fucked Until he came. Naked Sweaty bodies. He was dripping on me. We took pictures of that aftermath. We said our Goodbyes & I exited the vehicle & climbed in the shower. I slept Good. I awoke missing him...

Chapter 18. DEMARCUS. I’ve known Demarcus since I was Yay high. In more understanding terms, Since we both were little. I had crushed on him for a little minute. Then we just lost touch, maybe because he moved. He a Light Skinned Cute Nigga with Corn rolls & the most beautiful lest Eyes you would imagine. Hazel Greenish. He says they are Hazel but whatever. They Green when I look at 'em with a hint of hazel around the pupil. I just recently saw him working at McDonalds & was in immediate thought that he's in town or somewhere close where I can make a move. Boy the thought of talking to him & getting to know him better thrilled me. We talked for days. We kissed here and there, & with tongue letting me know I interested him. We engaged for many nights in long conversation after he got off work. Then it was that night where he hinted at me that he wanted to have me as his Girlfriend. Being that I don’t like to beat around the bush, I made him come on out and ask me. He did so whilst laughing. I Thought it was cute and wasn’t sure at the moment & replied with a "Yes" immediately. A day flew by. Knowing I could really hurt this dude I backed out. I text him that I Needed more time. He was understanding & he accepted it. We joked for many days after that, still kissing though. He admitted to me that once he's talking to someone he's on that one particular person until he has what he's been trying to acquire. I began to feel shallow. He lives so close. I need air. I made excuses in my mind that I needed space, I cant talk to anyone that close to me. Since that thought concreted in my mind. I ignored his liking of me. I came


& left with different men, while he watched from a far. I felt so ashamed. He really liked me & I brushed that aside by believing that it wouldn't work because He resides so close to my residence. Naw, in deep thought. I was just attracted to Bad Boys lately, & the Good Niggas wasn't in my lane at the moment. I do think he'll do some woman good, but not me. I have my moods where I do the Good Guy thing, but right now wasen't the time. I'll give him any chance, that’s how special he is to me. I would leave that "Loving Bad Boy's Life" just for him, but not right at this present time & moment. Some say some women just love Bad Guys, That Isn’t always me. I’m not saying I can’t do Good Guys, because I Can & Be appreciative that there are a few of the Good Ones left but I wasen't interested in his kind at the time, forgive me If I sound Extremely Shallow, but hey That’s how I feel at the moment. Cant knock that. But if he was to have met someone while Im fucking off messing around with the Bad Niggas then I'll Charge it to the game and take it as a loss. A Big Ass Loss. We chilled on his day off for a quick twenty to thirty minutes. I can’t really recall the exact times. My cellie rung "The Dope Bwoi" popped up on my screen. I answered it. We was texting how I longed to be around him & he told me he was cleaning. I told him I could careless I just wanted to be around him. He texted me & told me he was on his way. By this time Demarcus had to go home for a minute. Not knowing when he would be back, I freshened up. I hurried myself in the Shower for a quick one. My color that day was Orange. Orange & Black & Little Goldish Screen tee from MaxRAVE, where I used to be employed at. Blue Denim Jeans. Orange & Black Halloween striped socks. Flat ironed my hair for about five minutes. I Loved My Flat Iron, heats up in 30 seconds. Lady X popped up wanting her Nickel bag I Purchased for her while she drove to get a cigar. She rushed out immediately. My Cell rung. "Hello" I answered. "Come On" The Dope Bwoi replied. We both hung up. I Grabbed my Digital Camera, photography was my thang now-a-days, kissed the door. There was Demarcus under the tree. I signaled a Bye-Bye with my hands & climbed in the car. I Felt bad because I Like Demarcus. I honestly do, but I have my reasons for making the type of decisions in my life.


Chapter 19. THE

DOPE BWOI.

"Hey Baby" I said to him, soon as I slid in the passenger seat. "What’s Up" he replied while backing out my drive-way. See The Dope Bwoi was this rapper. I've been searching for him for a minute now. Ever since I recorded my "Loving A Dope Boy" track way back in June or July. I vaguely remember asking about him before I Graduated in May of '07 though. Something about him was appealing when I saw him. My interest in learning about him through his music made me thirst for information about him. I asked my brother about him once or twice, not trying to make my crush about him noticeable. I heard a track my Brother let me hear. It was "Get A Way". It was his track, featuring my Brother. Some how I learned a little of his life. I asked my brother again once or twice after that. I wasn’t trying to get my brother in my personal life, Some things you need to keep to yourself. I wasn’t even trying to get up on my Brother's friends. I've done been with Rah Rah, & maybe another I cant remember. Such a young brain of mines & really cant remember shit. Amazingly Sad. I met The Dope Bwoi officially Sunday night & "Studio" session I Was brought in to, to record a song with a former local rapper. I was there, sitting on the weight bench, when he entered. I lit up inside. I tickled with excitement all over. I practically giggled acknowledging that I Knew who he was. "Oh yeah?" he replied whilst picking something off the floor, I cant remember what it was, but I knew he bent down. "Heeeyyyy?! Aren't you So & So?" I screamed over the beat Dude was playing repeatedly over & over. "Yes" was his comeback. "Do you know who I am?" I asked him. "Yes, Your Jaidah B." I smiled. The smile that gleamed across his face made me shiver in the inside. "Have you heard my song" I replied so happy and shit. "Yes I have" he replied. "But do you know WHO I AM" I stretched. "Yes, Your DRE Lil' Sister". Wow, I thought. He knows me. Normally I don’t really try to get a dudes attention but I wanted his. I asked him for his autograph, he laughed and said "You making me feel famous now." He signed me an autograph. You think I was bullshitting? Naw boss. I was dead ass. Ive been searching for him for the longest & Im suddenly, finally in his presence, not knowing when I'll be around him or


see him again, I had to be on my best behavior. I acquired a headache. I sat on the couch. There he was. Sexy Chocolate figure standing over the counter with Liquor in his hand. He's medium height, but not tall either. Dreads medium length. These unique formation of eyes & Seductive soft-looking lips. I was so attracted. I’m a big fan of eyes too. I was in love. Lust rather. I imagined his lips on mines in an instant. Chocolate body covered over mines. Oh Jesus, the thoughts roamed in my aching dome. I asked him did he see that Hurricanes VS. Noles Game & how devastating that was. He said he ain’t want to talk about it. I Laughed. "Want to Ride to the store, Ill buy you something for your headache?" My insides screamed "YES!", but only a calm "Sure" came pass my dentals. "I ain’t got no DL's, you want to drive?" Till this day he swears He asked me Did I have DL’s, I answered him Yes, but I dont have any & can recalled he asked me that. We drove to the K-Kangaroo gas station. Troll was out Lurking heavily like a Mutha' that night, & on a Sunday at that too. We had this beautiful talk, you know the Getting-To-Know-EachOther talk, covered the basics & We fell interested in each other. We arrived back at the house. He & Dude gave me tips on how should I sing this hook ending & how should I do the ad-libs. I sat on the floor near the Mic while he sat behind the door, a little away from me. We joked on each other's phone. He was slightly tipsy, I can tell. He told me I need to give him my number. I told him to find a picture in my gallery to use as my Caller Photo ID when I called him. He picked an Exclusive. I remembered I had my Digital Cam & We headed to the bathroom to take pictures, nothing sexual of course This is The Dope Bwoi we talking 'bout!. We took a couple of pictures & Began conversing after that. I sat behind the bathroom door, while he sat on the toilet. Seat down folks!. We talked for a good minute. As the minutes passed, I felled heavily interested in him. His attributes intrigued me. His aspirations became clear to me. I drove home that night. We hugged & kissed on that same night, well morning. Like 4 a.m. It was that serious. The rest of the week we spent together. He came and got me & I told him I had a confession. I admitted that I was thinking of him inside of me, preferably like Tommy & Keshia off of Belly. We Fucked the next day. His long & deep stroking was magnificent. I honestly don’t like it deep, maybe that’s why I don’t find an interest in Sex. He kept going deep & I kept running. He turned me over, stroked me slow & then fast. I almost thought he was making love to me. I breathed


helplessly. He began to sweat. I had to catch my breath. I gave him head. I had too. I admit I love pleasing a man, by any means necessary but the extra shit is out of hand. Oral? I can give you. Ménages? Anal? Isn’t my cup of tea. He moaned & that let me know He liked it. We began part two. I admit I’m a hard person to fuck. Shit hurts & Yes I’m a Run. I try to be a big girl but fuck it. He came on me. I "Ughed". That shit is so disgusting. We wiped me up & We chilled & fell asleep. I awoke to his face & breakfast, Later to find out he was taking pictures of how I slept.

Chapter 20. LOVING A DOPE

BWOI.

He picked me up on a late Thursday afternoon.. We watched a movie, Halloween on bootleg. I had to give it to him, It was clearer than crystal. We all cuddled up. He whispered "I dont know why Im Liking you like this" or was it "I dont know why you got me liking you like this" It was one of 'em I can’t recall. He told me to wait for him, "Ill wait for you, Im patient." He smiled & we watched the movie. We locked eyes & kissed here & there. We showered together. I rocked his Trap-or-Die T-shirts. He treated me to breakfast that following morning. He invited me to ride with him. We rode silently but with little conversation & 94.5 booming through the morning air. I sat in the car while he went into this house. I cut off the car, to be smart and save gas. I turned my head & watched two little white kids interact with their Father I assumed playing basketball. My cell vibrated. "Baby" popped up. "Yeah" I answered. "Ill be out there in a minute" he said. "Aight" we both hung up our phones. We had to go pick up his cousin. We picked up his cousin & he dropped me off at the house. I washed the dishes that was there & swept. I am wifey material, sort of like a neat freak IN my own house not anyone else’s, but since he lived there, I cleaned. I put my shirt back on the day before, living savage. He arrived back and headed to clean the garage. "You Need some new clothes dont you?, Want to go re-up?" he asked me. "Yeah" I replied back. We hopped in the car & headed for Yalaha. We ate that night. Eating Subway & Watching The Chronicles of Riddick together. We were home alone, for a long time I admit. It was times he left & caught his licks without saying anything. I imagined the house was my house & If he were mines. He would be gone for long periods of times, leaving me to clean & cook while he ripped and ran the streets. Dont get me wrong, he a clean


freak too. That amazes me. We clicked on the same interests, like taste of movies & everything. He was quite an intellectual for a man of his nature. I guess the quote "Don't Judge a Book by its Cover" fits him well. He knew a lot, not just for his age too. Im attracted to Intelligence, and his Street Knowledge and Little Wisdom had me getting attached faster than ever. Spending like 3 days with him affected me. I was learning him from sunrise to sunset. I admit spending time with him was a breather for me. I haven't had any type of serious type of commitment since Kavin. He wanted me to wait for him. Im patient but impatient. I can wait for him & get to know him more while still talk to whomever I choose. Loving A Dope Boy is hard but some females put up with it. I honestly dont believe in living off drug money though. Shit is a dead end. Some make it out that game & do legal shit, but some other's cant leave that fast life & money alone. I respected his grind. He lacked of affection. That put a toll on me. I’m a giver of affection & he rejects it. Not necessarily rejecting it but not fully responding to it. That's his biggest flaw that I can really count him for. I can work with it though, I can bring it out. Or can I? I vow to never try to change a person, It Just ain’t my style. Some people try to mold their mate into the perfect match possible, but I wouldn’t do that with him, I just wanted to make it a mission to soften him up a little bit.

Chapter 21. MIXED

EMOTIONS.

Listening to break-up songs is my thang. Dont ask, I just do. Im home now. I miss The Dope Bwoi terribly but I’m Good. I can’t get attached to early. Its bad. Im vulnerable to attaching myself early, and when something happens to happen I’m the one getting badly hurt. Im coldhearted though. I’ve always been that way. I always felt like If I cant get my mother's love the way A mother should love their children then why should any men receive mines? Being that my mother was a drug addict. I never experienced those Motherly talks. All I had was my Grandmother & Aunt. I never blame anyone for someone else's mistakes but my mother really took a toll on my Love Life. I was thinking about Reginald the other day & how his family and of course


how he was doing. He's my first love. The first that I brought something for over fifty dollars for. An Xbox game, Wreckless. Then my mind drifted to Yamani. I haven’t been talking to him lately & normally its cool but now it seems as if we comfortable with loving and knowing each other for seven years that we can just take breaks from talking to each other. I might be getting a tattoo of his name uniquely encrypted on the back of my neck. This is my Childhood love since age of 12 even when I was loving Reggie. This tattoo means alot to me. Ive thought about it Long & Hard, and No Im not making a mistake by tatting his name on me. He means a lot to me & wherever our lives takes us, I wont forget him. Special Kae had a new girlfriend by the looks of it on Myspace. She was blowing his comment board up with them Gay Ass Glitter Luvy Duvy Graphics. I wanted commitment from The Dope Bwoi but something told me It wasen't coming from him anytime soon so I picked up the little bit of my heart that was beginning to warm up from being Coldhearted and started to lay low for a while. He was the reason why It was warming up. The reason why I smiled & felt vibrant. I charged it to the game slowly. I came back to life and came to my senses that A Man is only a Man, and he shouldn't have the effect on me to become Vibrant. I should already be. I dont need a Man to make me happy. Although it would be nice to have someone to claim as my other half. I just accepted that he wanted to wait. I guess....

Chapter 22. HIS

SEX IS LIKE.

I arrived at his house around 8:00pm something. After my goons walked my bags in & the other being nosy they exited his house. There I was, in his presence. I missed him so much. I was tired of using Technology to communicate with him, & there The Dope Bwoi stood. Orange & white Ree's. Orange Tall Tee. Evisu Jeans & A Kellog's Jacket. (you know one of those RaceCar jackets that Dope Bwoi's rock when the winter hit?). There he goes with those eyes. So uniquely shape so seductive. Those lips aligned so perfect upon his face. He was on the phone, as usual. I took out my clothes that I was going to put on after I Showered in the bathroom. I took out the rolls of toilet paper and placed them in the bathroom. Im the only female there &


toilet tissue is a must. I tackled him letting him know I missed him. I was looking rough and he made sure he noticed by telling me. He's blunt as hell & I Loved it. He kissed me. I was relieved. Its’ been like 2 or 3 weeks since my last visit. I washed the dishes like he asked. I would almost do anything for him. That’s how special I think highly of him. Just by listening to his music, he deserves it. I isn’t a fool now, I limit my pampering to a nigga, but with him I was slowly losing my element. That ain’t me. He tried me hard that I caught heart for a few minutes. He told me he had to watch his kissing me because I got a saved Video in my phone where A dude is jacking his dick & that he dont know where my mouth been. Thanks to my homie Yungen from Ft. Lauderdale, I forgot to delete it. I knew he was going to go through my phone but I only deleted my inbox & outbox messages. I had nothing to hide because We weren't an item but I dont like to have him doubting that I can't be focused on him while talking to other dudes. Far as Im concern & truth be told he was the only man in my life that I was Fucking & Vibe'n with & trying to pursue. He sat on the arm of couch that I was relaxing on and starting kissing the side of my neck. My body was calling him but I ain't want to lose my composure. My pussy moistened while he trailed my neck and ears with his tongue. "Quit" I said breathlessly. He kept kissing and licking. "Quitttttttt" I whined. He knew what he was doing & I did too. He finally quit, leaving my neck drowning in saliva. He curled on the other part of the couch. "Come here" he stated. I curled up outta my blanket and joined under his arms. I kissed his neck innumerable times while he kissed mines. "It seems like you ready?" he asked me, signaling what time it was. He started by kissing on my neck. I was hungry for him. He was the only dude I was fucking and only one I wanted. His stroke game is flawless, & his gassed ass knew it too. He licked on the spots that made my body shiver. I tongue down his ears & his sucked on his neck making my way down his chest. His stomach was his spot, I remembered. I suck around his stomach & his sides. I maneuvered his ass out his shorts & sucked his dick a little. He laced the condom on & slid in me. I Love how he fucked me. I Just can’t explain why. He gripped and sucked on me. I was in heaven. Fucking him for the second time was a charm. We watched T.V. for the remainder of the night & he fell asleep, like always.

Chapter 23. INEVITABLE.


It’s the day of my Grandmother's birthday. That lovely woman would have been 73 today. November 11th. She been gone since 2002. 5 Years Ago. I miss her so much. I walked up the long road up the hill. I recently recorded Priscilla Renee’s "Cry" on my phone so I was playing that back and forth while carrying the Purple Bear in the other hand. My grandmother loved the color Purple. My mind floating through memories of her. The thought of how her smile was with and without her teeth. The way she used to do my hair. They smell of soul food flowing from the kitchen on Sunday's. I Entered the graveyard. My body just flowed downhill to her spot. The wind blowed. The high-biscuits that was planted ahead of my Grandfather's tombstone was taller & beautiful then ever. There she was, Right next to him. My Grandfather fell at the foot of my Oldest brother Anthony. He died at age 19 of Leukemia. I knelt down and placed the Bear at the head of my Grandmother & choked in tears. I talked to her. I let her know all my problems. My stressful issues. Telling her how much I needed her. Letting her know I just turned eight-teen in August & Graduated in May. She knows all this stuff but I just wanted to talk to her. My mind just flew through so many memories we shared together I almost collapsed on the spot. She was my everything. When she died a piece of me was buried with her. After she died I became Coldhearted & Rebellious. She was my guidance. What do you become and who do you go to for guidance after the only Guidance you ever had was one courageous wise woman? I touched her grave site and I don’t know how many times I told her I missed her and I Loved her but It was alot. I touched my grandfather's spot and told him I miss him too. I mazed myself out a spider's web and touched Anthony's spot and told him I would loved to have met him but I loved him & thanked him for sending me to Florida before he died. I wiped my tears on my Beater and strolled uphill out of the graveyard. I looked back before the bushes put her site out of my view & jogged down the hill. With my long hair blowing in the wind & the sun gleaming in my face & drying the tears that was in the corner of my eyes, I smiled. I felt good. I haven't seen my little niece that my brother had. I have only seen baby pictures of her. I know her name is Chanelle Antionae Graham. Born February, 12th of 1989. I was born 6 months later. Me and my brother searched Myspace for a long time and finally found her. Her


last login was January 24th 2007. We was a step closer. I looked at the two pictures that was displayed on the profile. She had my brother's eyes & shape of face. I immediately set that picture as my desktop background. I can't seem to find her. That was the last profile that had the latest update. I’m thinking about hiring a private investigator, but Im tryna be Lady Sherlock by saving the money & search through White & Yellow pages & some of the teen community sites I had profiles on. The question was in the back of my mind Why did her mom change her last name from Graham to Anderson? Was she trying to erase My brother's relations to her & My family? I was dying to get to the bottom of it. I downloaded Google Earth. I typed in the address that I only spent 2 months after I was born. 228 Liberty Rd. Englewood, NJ. 07631. There it was. Google Earth Zoomed in. Being that it was an upgraded Google Map search, I rotated around the house My mother was living in while pregnant with me. My brother exclaimed that the trees That was on the screen was hedges when he left, Which was 17 years ago. He instructed me to follow down West Palisades Ave. He toured me where he used to hang out at. Then we located the Hospital I was born in. Wow I thought..Thats where I was born at. I was dying to find Chanelle by any means, & strangely Im getting attracted to females again. Im Bisexual but I have my times where Im only attracted to one Gender, & the female population in my phone was Zero.

Chapter 24. MY STRAWBERRY SHORTCAKE. Lately She's been on my mind. We've been knowing each other for quite sometime now. My crush began while I was a freshman & she was a graduating Senior. She was dating my friend Nuk & I just had to let it ride, knowing that my sexual preference was still in the closet. She has shoulder length dreads & has the softest lips Ive ever laid my lips on. She Is the sexiest Redbone stud I’ve ever laid eyes on & Did I mentioned she had the prettiest smile. I completely adored her & her soft ass. Jesus.. Felt like pillows. She was the only female to have me in love with her besides my Ex & First Really Girlfriend Rashada. Rashada was something different. We never saw each other & Met on a Chatline. My Strawberry Shortcake was different. We saw each other almost every other month at the time but always conversed on the phone. She was still stuck on her ex. Who wouldn't be? Of 4 years being together. I didn’t blame her but It was in the back of my mind.


She was the only one I told everything to. She was beginning to grow on me. My aunt began to like her. She dropped me off at the library every other day in the week so I can just see her. It was still things she didn’t know about me. I was still Bisexual but she thought I was Fully Lesbian. I had my times though If I was pursuing a Female then Men was no longer an interest. She was the only one I wanted to have a future with and Leave men behind. We never did anything sexual but kiss & suck on each other. She arrive in Leesburg for Thanksgiving because she was going to school up in Madison,Fl. I was the first person she called when she Touch downed. My aunt granted her permission to chill with me in my house, in my room. She arrived in some gray sweat pants with the matching wife beater. She had Jordan earrings in her ears. Her dreads a little past her shoulders. She had a long nice necklace around her neck with some white Forces. She was flawless to me. She smiled when she saw me. I was looking a hot mess but she gave the impression like I was cool. I was comfortable around her. I was basically more of a goof troop with her then at my usual times. She was quickly introduced to my Aunt & Uncle whilst walking towards my room. I was still at the computer making a graphic for a rapper name Rae Soprano, by the way His Mix tape is dropping! She sat on my bed and continue to smile from ear to ear. She had the most brightest smile for a female. She was just completely sexy. We popped in "Stomp the Yard" and I laid beside her. Her phone ranged off the hook with her innumerable female groupies calling interrupting our TIME. I was beginning to become frustrated but brushed it off. We started kissing & talking just about any & everything. I explained to her about would I get her name Tatted on me, right on my foot. She being the first girl I really love & all. It was time for her to go so we hugged & kissed & that was it. She meant alot to me but I understand when she told me I don’t show it because I barely call her, she knows I love her. The only Female love of my life.. Miss. Danielle S. Harris.

Chapter 25. THE

LONELINESS.

As I converse with Dan on the phone I realized I was lonely. This


hasn’t been the first time realizing it within the same month because prior to this week close friend & rapper "Da Paper Boi" made me realize it also while texting him for advice on a topic I longed answer's for. I wanted my own man to lay next too. It also clicked in my mind that I need to start of my life. I was 18 and un-employed with no DLs & no vehicle. I was tired of imagining my life to live luxuriant & only living extravagant in my dreams. I was fed up. Making A New start on life was set in my New Year's Resolution. It was a fucking Friday night & I didn’t have one damn nigga to sleep overnight with. I wasen't making it an effort either because my period was on. I have plenty of niggas to talk too but not see. Now a days niggas just want to put their dick in something exteriorly attractive and with a pulse. The only dudes that's intelligently attractive and what I was looking for now a days are out of state or far away. Anthony was the newest addition to my life lately & he's such a surprise but he was in Georgia. Joshua was in South Carolina. He was physically disable but that didn’t stop me from getting to know him. He was adorable and his condition didn't bother me a bit. Yamani just started back calling me. We Chatted for a long minute. The usual as always, about what we were naming our kids & where the location of tattoos we were putting each other names on our bodies. I was highly lonely tonight. Listening to break-up songs really didn’t help my mood either, but that’s the kind of music soothes me though. It's like I love being single but hate the lonely side of it. I like being in a relationship too but hated the nagging' that came with it. I wanted committment but who would that special muthafucka be? To make me delete the male count in my phone. Put off my promiscuous state of mind? Yeah, If you don't know then I don't know either.

Chapter 26. MO

CHEDDA.

I met him September 10th of 2006. I was on I-75 heading north to Lake County. I had spent the night at Simmetta's dorm apartment with Ace Boon Coon's Chris & Brittany. I was chatting on AIRG. We were both in the Florida Chat Room. We exchange a friendly chat and then numbers. He was much older but We shared so much in Common. He began learning me. He made me look at guys different. He became an extra brother to me. A Loving mentor. He taught me lessons of love & how to distinguish What’s authentic from fake. He sent me money here and There without


anything in return. He was the father of 2 and a very strong individual. I started knowing him in and out. I loved him around November, after a couple of months of really vibing with each other. He paid expenses for my Atlanta trip that was approaching in December & I was grateful. He spoiled me. He brought me a phone and then the next day it got stolen and he brought another. Basically he was taken care of me and We were in love. He captured my heart by surprise. He was the only dude in my life at the time, And then the rain came. The greediness took over me and I wanted more of his time and pockets. I'll be woman enough to say, He somewhat turned me into a money hungry bitch. Every conversation was "Are you going to give me this for this" & I knew deep down inside It was tearing us apart. I blew him off a couple of times but it just drew me further apart from him. He wasen't giving me anything that I wanted so I felt like he didn't love me. He had got me in this mind frame like never before that I had to have money when Im with ONLY him. We kind of split up a little before my Atlanta trip. By then I had Met Kavin. Super Tall ass Cute nigga. He paid for my hair to get done besides after the Absence of Mo from my life, Kavin was there. He was available for my every issue & problem. He gave me advice and I was beginning to feel for him. Me & Mo wasen't on good terms for a good 4 months, So Kavin received all my time & affection. We were inseparable & he became a household name. He was actually growing on me faster than ever & then he just disappeared outta my life. I was hurt. Devastated to be completely factual. I was left wondering what should I do with my life. Pick up and move on? Or Wait. I had no idea to where he was at or anything. It was four or five months later when we got back in touch with each other. He was locked up come to find out. The love was still there but the vibe wasen't for some reason. I learned a lesson with Kavin, & till' this day I cant put the finger on it, but he opened my eyes to something that I was blind to notice. Mo Chedda came and got me on the day before his birthday. I drove us in his charger to Red Lobster. We fed each other & Laughed and just basically caught up on things. This man is Like a older brother, other half. He has taught me some shit In life to go on that no other man has. His intelligence and wisdom is the reason why I cant and will not let him go. We had sex that night. Passionate, hungry type sex. He knows how to stroke me. Hold me. Kiss me. Taste Me. Basically handle me. He knows


how to squeeze me & in places I Like to be squeezed. His sweat dripping on me. His body melting on top of me. It was beautiful. I couldnt stay with him that night. I just didn't felt like it. I knew it was the night before he turned 30 but just couldn't bare to fall asleep next to him that night. I drove to Wal-Mart. Picked him up a nice card. Hallmark, oh yeah! & some roses. I drove home & we hugged and kissed & he exited my driveway back to the hotel.

Chapter 27. I‘M

SCARED.

I was in this depressed state for like going on 3 weeks. Shielding my hurt by false smiles & laughs. Kept trying to pull off pain I felt by consuming my time with Friends & Family. Me a Rapper + Boss named Da Paper Boi were getting close on business level, being that I was his personal graphic designer & at the same time The only dude In my life I was pouring my heart out too about shit I was dealing with daily. I awoke needing advice and where to go with my love life. The Dope Bwoi wasen't available for shit I had to discuss, so I moved to the next available ear who would listen. I texted him That I had a problem. He replied back with "Jai we in the same boat, I can't help you If I wanted too." With that being read, I felt hopeless for answers I only knew myself can answer. But He helped me a little & I Dont know how.. But I wrote this shortly after... Ive lived my life being shallow to niggas. Am I only attracted to Lame niggas? I have alot on my plate to offer. Im young & got alot to see But im greatly monogamous. Im stubborn & have moodswangs. That’s all apart of my flaws.. Ive put away my reasons to not love.. I try not to blame the next nigga for the last's mistakes but it gets harder and difficult not too after the niggas act & do the same as the last. In that time and over the years.. Ive learned to coldened my heart.. Disconnect my feelings.. Listen to instrumentals & just write.. Sit back and Let someone find me..


Let Love find me, then when It feels like it has, I turn away. I try my best not to befriend vulnerability but it always seem to haunt me down. I have the most supportive friends I can think of & still feel alone. I have the most male friends trying to wife me & still feel lonely. What am I looking for? I fell at heartless steps & pursued a paper chase.. but still feeling incomplete. Ive done let my guard down too many times to count.. Im not afraid to give my all, just that fear of giving my all & being taken for granted is what scares me the most.. & it all concludes down to & I Admit.. Im Lonely & Im Scared.. I Exhaled Deeply. In A Way I dedicate that to Da Paper Boi. He read it after I posted it in a Bulletin on Myspace and only replied with "Wow". I think it was maybe, We were both feeling the same way but just couldn't put it into terms, or maybe he probably didn't feel like he could inspire me to write something so deep on so little advice that he had to give.

Chapter 28. A LESBIAN AKALADE. We had just left the Parliament House that night. Rayne was damn near tipsy and Candy was pissed off, because some Diva (The name I always call Gay Dudes) was fighting another Diva and they knocked her down a couple of steps. She was aight, shit. I told her to brush it off and keep it moving. Candy unlocked her charger doors as we walked toward it. Im slightly tipsy & shit & had my eye on this Fine ass Light-Skinned stud. She brushed up against me in the house & danced on me & shit but she disappeared before I could get a name from her. Im laughing loud, walking in circles. I mean remind that I am tipsy, knowing my young ass is legal but not drinking Legal. Rayne was annoyed as usual. Damn party pooper. We all hopped in the car and in search of the nearest Denny's or something that sold breakfast. Candy a boss bitch. Own house, car & pursuing a college degree in dentistry. She was about 5 foot 7. A Black Redbone. You could of sworn she was mixed with something. Nice set of titties, slim waist & a big ass. Softer than pillows. She was Bisexual like me & I was curious than a bitch to try her.


I got my opportunity later that night. Im an aggressive female. If I want it AT the time I’ma go for it. We ended up going to Denny's. Orlando looks so deserted at night. Fiends walking and sleeping on the sidewalk. It was kind of cold tonight & I felt bad for homeless people. Rayne was on the phone as usual talking to one of her no good men. She was a bad broad too. 5 foot 5. Long black curly honey blond and black hair that came to the midsection of her heavy tatted up back. Coke bottle shape with a nice size ass. "Fuck wrong with you Trae" Rayne screamed in the phone. Candy cut the Bail Money mix tape down. She been bumping it ever since Double R gave it to me to pass out. "Well you dont have to give me shit for her!" "You Ain’t Shit" she screamed at Trae. Trae was her baby daddy of her four year old girl Katrice. Trae was always stepping into Rayne's life in and out. Promising her shit & never keep his word. He was the father of Katrice and wasen't even taking responsibility. I hated that. How you gone lay down and bring a life into this world and not take care of That life. Katrice was so adorable she had her father's eyes and Rayne's long beautiful hair and smile. "Fuck You Bitch" Rayne yelled back into the phone while slamming that bitch closing it. I sighed. "’ house So he can’t give me the money for Katrice's some new clothes." "He always got some fucked up excuse to why he can't give my baby what he promised her, I cant stand him". "Rayne What the fuck I told you bout' fucking with him still, Girl I told you You can live with me long as you pay rent & that’s all" Candy told Rayne. "I know Chile, Girl I know but I ain’t trying to be no desperate ass bitch living with her home girl because she cant get her shit together. I’ma mother & cant put my baby through another move" Rayne said holding back her tears. I looked at Candy and she looked back at me. It was sad but they both going in a circle. He spit that "I’ma do right shit by you" & she believes it. She can't blame no one but herself, but Trae do be wrong though. We arrived at Candy's condo In Winter Garden. Big ass nice ass house. Cream painted walls. Freshly cut grass. & A 2 Car garage. We all hopped out the car. She popped the trunk and I got my duffle bag & Rayne got her's. Soon as we stepped in the house. "What The Fuck Is That smell?" We asked Candy. "Damn Murder ain’t take out the trash before he left to go to Miami" she said. Murder was her boyfriend. They've been seeing each other for a hot ass minute. Murder was the hottest nigga that ranned the streets. He was good in with the Cubans, Italians, You name it. Candy mentioned Miami, probably was


going to do some business there. Murder was 6 ft 3 black pretty ass nigga. The only blackest prettiest nigga Ive ever seen. Long black neat dreads that Candy kept up. Cute ass eyelashes for a nigga & Gorgeous ass smile. He had did 8 years for murder. That’s how he got his nickname. Candy had a keeper. He brought her house & her 2 cars. She could of paid for it herself with her good ass credit for almost approaching 30 but he insisted. He was sweet but also kept it hood at the same time. She was a gutta bitch but wifey material and always kept home straight. That’s why we never heared about Murder sleeping around. Rayne put her phone on the charger and grabbed a blanket at flipped on the 64" inch screen TV. and began to watch T.V. I undressed myself in Candy's guest room. I was in need of a hot shower. I watched myself in the mirror as I screened the decked out room. Full figured King size bed. Beautiful matching Dresser with the window curtains to match. The carpet was well comfortable. The walls favored a soft Cotton Candy pink. Candy burst in and smile at me hiding my private parts with my little hands in so little time. She closed the door. "So you been hiding from me huh?" she asked me. "Candy you are not gay" I told her letting my hands loose walking in the walk-in bathroom she had built in with the Guest Room. She came behind me laughing slapping my ass & snatching my towel. "Candy come on, Geesh Im about to bathe!" I laughed. "You know I’m Curious right?" I nodded. "Well teach me some things, I want to give Murder a surprise birthday 3-sum gift." She began to slide off the Coogi dressed that accented her curves to perfection. Underneath was Vicky Secrets. Red Boy shorts with the matching Bra. Her breasts were sitting precisely when she took off her bra. She wiggled out her Boy shorts and You can see that ass from the front. I was at lost for words when she began to strut towards me. "You can be rough with me Jai" she whispered. "What About Rayne?" I asked her. "We'll make that bitch join later!" We both laughed. I wanted Candy. Ever since I saw her on my space and asked her I needed a New home girl to chill with and she was new to the area and She said she wouldn’t mind making a new found friend too. I gently threw her against to the bathroom wall and slid my tongue down her throat. She cuffed my ass and moaned. I was so hunger for her kiss I almost melted. Candy made my body shiver. She felt it because she was rubbing her arms all over me. I sucked on her neck and directed my tongue down her neck and on her hardened nipples. She whispered my


name a little. I sucked the other breast while playing with the other. I guided back up and motioned her to lay down right on the bathroom floor. She giggled. She was so sexy. I stopped her in her walk. I was on my knees with her ass in my face. I bit it just a little while she was placing her hands through my hair from behind. I sucked up her thighs and sucked on her ass cheeks. Her ass was so juicy and soft I almost cried. I opened her ass with both palms and licked her juices that was dripping slowly down her inner thighs. She was in that first stage of soaking up a bitch face. "Oooh Jai" she whispered my name. "Lay down on ya’ back" I instructed her. She did as told. There that pink moistened pussy was calling my tongue. I opened her legs wide and climbed on top of her. I kissed her, she sucked on my tongue and neck. I was determined to get her off. I slid my tongue down her chest and Baby Phat navel ring. Kissed and sucked on her inner thighs. She winded a little bit letting me know she was ready. I open her pussy and licked up and down and sucked on her clit. I gripped her thighs to keep her from running. I took my time and sucked and licked on that fat tasty ass pussy of hers until she came all over my chin. She jerked for a good 10 seconds and laid down. "Want to join me?" I got up and ranned the shower water. I spit out her cum in the toilet and flushed it. "What my Shit wasen't sweet enough for you to swallow?" She laughed. "You good bitch but I ain’t swallowing that big ass load!" We laughed and climbed in the shower to bath. We washed each other. We finished and I dried off alone. Candy exited my bathroom and lingered in her own. Just as I was lotioning my legs with some of Candy newly purchased Victoria Secret High ass Lotion, & I say high because I don’t see the fucking point as to buy lotion that’s $35.00 Dollars for just a little medium sized bottle. Candy walked in. "Damn bitch you can't knock?" I screamed at her while wasting lotion on her floor. She was half naked. She had a slightly opened robed on. I can tell she ain’t fully wipe herself dry because water was still falling down her cleavage area. "Girl Im horny, Help" She said irritably & obviously halfsatisfied from the head I just gave her. "You got any toys?" I asked her. "Naw hoe I don’t!". "Lets Go Get Rayne Though For real!". I slipped on a T-Shirt & Walked behind Candy. Rayne was helping herself to Candy's pantry. I walked behind her and squeezed her ass and bite her ear. She jerked around. "What The Fuck Jaidah, What Are you doing?" She Laughed. "Ray you know I want you girl, You just too sexy" I teased her back. Candy was lighting candles like clockwork. "Ray come on lets


just have some fun" Candy stated. "Are Ya’ll serious?" She replied. "Hell yeah bitch get with the program" I said while laughing to Rayne. Candy slid off her robe and began to play the Baby Making CD she asked me to burn for her a while back. Silk's "More" blasted loudly out her speakers. The surround sound she had tricked that bitch out sounded amazing. She strutted over to me and kissed me. She let my hair down and We both looked at Rayne. She had a puzzled look on her face. Candy went to undress her. I kissed her gently on her neck while lifting up her hair. "Ooh You bitches need to stop" She whispered. I sucked on her breasts while Candy fingered her pussy. She was wet as hell, The farting sounds was like music to my ear. "Come on" I told them. Candy & Rayne followed. "Rayne lay down" Candy told her. She laid down. Rayne wasen't a rookie at the shit So I know she know how to give head. She fingered me while Candy virginally licked her pussy. She motioned for me to ride her face. With no hesitation I was drowning her. She sucked and moaned while I moaned. She gripped my ass while she sucked on my clit. I was getting even wetter, knowing Im always wet, Don't know the reason but Im always am. I began to wind in her mouth. She fingered me while moaning. Candy must be eating pussy good for her first time. I felt Rayne body jerking. She must be Cumming. She squeezed my thighs while entering my pussy with her tongue. She tongue fucked me while riding her face. Candy crawled around and started to suck on my breasts, It was the most indescribable pleasure I have ever felt. Having Multiple feelings to feed my arousement at the same time sent unbelievable satisfaction through out my body. I continue to ride Ray's face like a Stallion. I was at the peak of climaxing while she sucked my juices like I was the last meal on earth. Rayne liked my scent & also my taste, like she told me once before. She named me Mango Flavored, & ever since then Ive been carrying that title Like I gave it to myself. I taste myself too. My motto is If a female wont taste herself why would she want a man too? I Love my taste. Not your average and Sweet to the core. I used to go to sleep just to scent of my juices, crazy right? Candy laid down and her pussy was in my face her ass slightly above Rayne's hair. I buried my face between her legs. I Sucked hard because of the way Rayne ate me hungrily & sloppily like I saw on Ebony Lesbian Porno made my knees weak and I collapse and regain composure repeatedly made me suck harder because I couldn’t get the moaning out in time so I sucked on Candy. She was grabbing the corners of her Leather


Love Seat letting me know keep sucking the way I was. I was Cumming. Fuck, I Thought. I wished the last 20 seconds of climaxing would last forever. Rayne circled my clit with her tongue ring while simply sucking on it gently as she knew I was climaxing while riding her face outta control. I tried to ignore I was Cumming by lifting up but she pulled me back down sacrificing her breathing to make me cum while holding me down on her face. I came up for breath while eating out Candy. "Ooh God, Im Cumming. . .Im Cumming. . . Ray.. ooh. . my. . god" I was basically screaming. I came all over her face. Rayne licked her lips. She got up and licked up my thighs. My body was still shivering. I started to finger Candy and her body shaked until she came. We all showered later that night and watch more porno's and gave each other head later that night. We all fell asleep in Candy's bed. That bitch was huge for all 3 of us. Candy took me home that morning, fed me and that was it. I spoke to Candy once or twice after the Akalade but lost connection after I knew of Murder coming back from Miami. As For Rayne I just haven’t spoke since that morning after Candy left to the bank and she gave me head and I packed my shit and left her in Candy's bed sucking my juices off her fingers. I Was her breakfast, I thought.

Chapter 29. SLEEPING

WITH YOUR MAN.

What’s Good. Aye Let me tackle a subject right quick like. I’ve been talking to a dude right. We aren't actually talking but we are. It was on the ol'lady/ol'man tip but them titles became a Lighter issue with the music chemistry we both had/have. I mean I’m sleeping over his house, he feeding me, showering together and all ya dig But something paused. I wasn't feeling like getting myself into anything serious with this particular person & being that he had just came outta something, for us the timing wasn't right. So we stopped communicating on that level a little month back. Now I receive a call from one of his brawds asking do we talk. Now its none of HER business what we do because Me & Him Both grown. That’s what’s wrong with Females these days now. Just head str8 forward to the Broad and never stopping yourself and pull they attention to their man and questioning THEIR MAN loyalty. So she questioned me like a lady, never taking her character outta element & I respected it & I never told her what she wanted to hear only what I wanted too. Truthfully me and him are talking & are in an agreement but right now its nothing more and


nothing less that a mutual music relationship, Nothing more. She claimed she Know of pictures of me and him on my page. I cant recall her having a my space & my photo albums are private so I’m guessing someone on my list alarmed her. LMFAO I’m amused. But Now Its 8:09am & A restricted number kept blowing me up, so I answer. "Hello" "Man what’s good I’m sleep WTF is THIS" I blurted into the phone. Sum chick asked me Why was my pictures doing in Bryan phone. Bryan is a Dude I’ve been knowing for like 3 years. We met at the Upcoming Atlanta Convention that I always attend. I Laughed & Was like are you his girlfriend & she said No. So I told her after waking up a bit. "Well then you don’t have a right to questioned why my flicks are in his phone". She was like well he laying next to me, I quickly blurted out, "I don’t give a fuck what he doing next to you as far as I’m concerned, When me and Bryan meet & do what We do & It isn’t your right to search through his phone when you aren’t his bitch & He's going to continue to send me pics and receive mines, & by the way you sounding, It seems like your a cutty buddy & That right there has no position to ask why he has me in his phone & has my picture as his wallpaper. Now if you don’t mind, I’m a dead this conversation and Go back to my Dreams that you Completely interrupted by this bullshit!". I hit the end button. Man What The fuck is up with you bitches man? I hate to call any female that because I think it's wrong, but What the fuck man? If you are a cutty buddy, You are nothing more and nothing less than a goddamn cutty buddy. Why are you searching through a man that isn't your's phone? Just because you are his bitch for a Jennifer Hudson. (A "One Night Only" for you slow fucks) doesn't mean you wifey. If the only commitment you have is fucking him and receiving money from time to time and he doesn't brand you his wife then you are what you are good for at the moment. A fuck friend with benefits. Want to get mad because you see my pics set as a nigga's wallpaper and in his gallery? Some nude and clear clean shots. I’m not fucking him on the regular, if that's what you want to know. I’m not even going to thrill you with how we do it and WHEN we do it. I hope some of you hood rat bitches learn something from this Chapter. Just because A nigga might talk or see or break you off from time to time but it doesn't give you the right to go fight a bitch 'cause what he doing is the same shit he doing for her. Don't get on that bitch case cuz’ she getting her's from the same nigga you think love you. You can't knock chick because she fucking him right and getting his pockets too. Respect the game. Applaud that bitch. Just go to the nigga and be like if you fucking me and her, we going to have to use a condom by any means. Ya Dig? I’m 18 and I’m trynna teach you bitches something. Lay your ass down and take that dick and fall asleep & pick up your life the next day and carry on. Rule No.1 "Do not let your feelings attach to something you don’t have mentally or emotionally.” Man I’m done. Its been 2 days in a row and Chicks calling me about what


the fuck I’m doing with a dude that isn't with them "in that way" or "Lying to them" when I’m not with either one". Rule No. 2. Another thing. "The chicks that say they don’t lay down for money,” ok I understand that but don't knock a bitch that will. Its plenty of jobs for women to get money and to not lay down and spread their legs, I understand that too. But don't knock a bitches hustle. If it works for them, then so be it. If it don’t work for you then so be it, don’t gossip on someone phone about what chick down the road did for some money to pay this and that bill. One more thing. For you broads that know you messing with someone man, please don’t get caught. Please don’t let the man be someone's of you know. It makes you look like a trick receiving no treats. He doesn't love you. If he keeps saying he'll leave her, and its been innumerable months and he hasn’t, something should tell you, go on 'bout ya damn business. A Mistress is a Mistress. Do shit discreetly is all I’m saying." Rule No.3. "Get money" You don’t need a nigga to get none of your shit done that you cant get done for yourself. Yeah, the extra money is hella beautiful but don’t depend on a nigga sweetheart if the ends aint coming to your pockets. Shit only going to get you broken promises love. I’m Ghost for the vent session.

Chapter 30. FOOLISH

FOR YAMANI.

I Basically grew up beside your side. I grew up maturing as in my mentality. I grew up becoming an add-on to your life. I watched you develop into something educated & talented. I placed you amongst the 3 important men in my life. You being 4th. 4th to my Brother. My Uncle & My Father. You was the only one there when them "so-called" niggas said they'll never leave me. You was there. You've been in my life since I found out what Loving another human being outside my family world felt like. You heard me cry. You heard me pout. You KNEW me. In your world I was accepted as myself. I could no longer pretend with the false pictures because of the Love that was growing so greatly that i had for you. We have become inseparable with no physical contact. Neither one of us Is at any moment making an effort to see one another anytime SOON. I Cant live another year without seeing you. Its been too long. With that being in sighted in my mind, I have came to the conclusion to We have been in each other's lives for too long & just don’t want to let each other go. You don’t Rep me Like I rep you. You don’t love me like I love you. You don’t care for me Like I do you. Maybe its time for each of us to let each other go. Were not getting anywhere. Each day we grow apart. Each year We fade, too cowardly to mention it, but we feel it. We'll never amount to


anything that our minds wished us to futuristically be. We might dream and fantasize but I think we both know It'll never be reality. We see it and feel it but don't want to come clean, just afraid to let each other go because we've been in each other's lives for so long. Your the only one that’s making my life miserable. I’m afraid to love. Why because of how one person, that I never seen before in life.. has an outstanding indescribable affect on my Love Life. I can love, but not fully enough. Because why? You have been here since day & no matter how much I can love another, It’ll never amount to how much I love you, & that’s bad, because If I do decide to love another & It doesn’t work out, guess what? You'll still be here. I've been using how the condition we are in affect my life in any nature. Its time for me to grow up & Let it be for what it is. I Love you, Dangerously in Love with you. I would have been a fool for getting your name tatted on me. Now someone is replacing me. I might be your Number one on here but never could I be in your life. The only chick your chicks knew about like all my male friends know about you right?. It hurts to see a love that once was built as in childhood fade away as we got older. It should have been growing stronger than ever. But it hasn’t. We still talk about what could be instead of growing a spine TOGETHER and seeing shit actually falls through. I’m done with the phone calls. I’m last to talk to you. LAST to hear your voice. LAST to them other bitches that really don’t have a relevance to come before me. I was here before them, but its time to not be here when they are gone. Lets give us a break. A couple of months to see where WE stand with each other and lets not lifejacket to 7 years to as of why We cant stop talking. If that’s the reason. I will let myself drown. I don’t see or feel where I stand with you honestly. You say you love me but I doubt that you do and don’t. If we achieve something with each other in future life its going to be because we actually believe and know we love each other if not then 7 years was a waste of time. Waste of hanging on to something that will never be. Yamani I will always love you in my heart...But to you honestly I'll only be Lady No.1... Chaneke Ball. I'll always be someone you can call when that someone wouldn’t answer the phone. But I truthfully don’t think you Love me enough to grow some balls & tell the chicks In you life What I am to you. To represent me Like I do for you. To Concrete in their mind, That I will always be Thee Mrs. to you whether their there & gone, & lately you haven’t been showing them or telling them that. Probably haven't in the 7 years of knowing each other. & that hurts more than you'll ever know. I cant erase you from my life, nor am I trying too. I understand I cant be there for you physically. But you cant be for me either and that doesn’t stop me from Claiming you are my Number one. I let my heart speak for


me, and you haven’t been letting yours. Are you scared if you tell them, you wont get ya dick sucked? A quick nut?. Yeah, Maybe that’s what it is & that Aint cutting it. I vowed to spend the rest of my life with you & you cant even mention my name in a conversation. You cant even let, "I’m Single, But I love someone and she aint going nowhere so either you can still talk to me or not cuz she will be here when you gone just like she was here before you". Too much pride? Too much riding on ya game to hurt you pussy rate. I understand you might need me there when I cant possibly be. But all I ask is for you to Claim me like I do you regardless of who I’m fucking or loving, they know OF your name, and you cant do the same, & that just isn’t good enough for me. I’ve been going through some shit in my life right now minus the great opportunities in my life & you cant even be there? Maybe its time to let go. I used to be the person you confided with. I used to be your diary. Now When I need a diary, you cant even be with the person YOU SAID you was getting tatted on you. Words cant describe how incredibly I’m HURT right now. I’m not asking for a fight, a argument. I’m just asking you release me for how many months it might take. Don’t call 'cause I wont answer. Take some time to absorb all of this in. Take how much time you need. If you come back I know its because you love me. If you think that you've thought it thru because of the 7 year foundation we built, then don’t even attempt to call me. I hate the fact that we are riding on 7 years of why we cant let each other go. Call me, email me, mail me hell, if you got your mind right and honestly have a TRUE spot in your life for me minus the years we've had with each other. I don’t need an immediate response. I Love you and it'll never end but I need to see where I stand with you just not going by what you say. Think it through. If you Love me but not quite enough to actually show me and rep me then I know you wont call. But if you love me and YOU ARE ready to get matching tattoos.. at the same time.. You'll call at the end of the month/time span you needed to take out to think this through, & actually make plans to where I will actually smell you. Feel you.. touch you.. for the first time in life..& Neither one of us has an excuse but if not.. Its ok If you never call again. I just know we just loved each other to the point where neither one of us wanted to let go because of the history we have/had to where we never lived out the life our minds dreamt of having.

Chapter 31. THE ATLANTA CHURCH CONVENTION. After arriving in Atlanta on December 20th, 2007 the excitement I once felt had died down. Roaming the streets didn’t seem appealing anymore. Chasing niggas wasn’t part of my plan anymore. Playing with the Bullet


Shaped elevators wasn’t worth my time anymore. Increasing my phone book capacity didn't even allure me this year, even though I grossed a total of 14 new niggas and numbers into my phone. Who knows how many got my number, too many to count & too many got the Fire Department number also. Yeah It was dirty but damn all them niggas in downtown wanted a brawd number so the fuck I look like having multiple niggas calling me and not having an ounce of memory to who the fuck and when I met him. Too much shit to remember. Every day that Me, Redd & Sunshine hit the strip to wander the malls and streets a whole new crowd of niggas swarmed us Lovely Looking Ladies We Arrive at the Hyatt around something or 2 something I can’t remember. We was on the 19th floor. 1902 to be exact. When Me & Redd entered the hotel I was hissed at by Black N Mild, An old flame from last year's convention I had met. We hugged and exchanged all that shit you do when you haven't seen a person you talk to on the phone on a regular basis in such a long time. Me & Redd pissed and headed back to the lobby. I was informed that I didn’t have enough money to pay for my room, meaning I had to bunk with George & Rita, and of course Redd. I was pissed as hell but things happen for a reason, whatever. We all got dressed & headed to do what we do best, repp Florida & The Dyme Squad while we strut our shit downtown. We had hit up Sports Profile just in time when my Homie came into check in for work Jay a.k.a My Jazze Pha. I call him that because he looks exactly like him. When I left him last year he had dreads to his ass, now he got beginner's dreads. We hugged and all of that, and of course exchanged numbers. We then walked towards the Underground in view. We was "psss" at innumerable times. We ain't shop just looked & walked & got a laugh at the pedestrians & bums that were roaming the streets. I ranned into alotta people I met last year. Mark which was one of them. Juvenile, I call him that cuz he remind me of that particular rapper. Big Sexy, a big dude that was sexy & kept his attire fresh. Sherman & Teddy ( I call him that). Taurus. A host of other muthafuckas I See on the every year basis. Then I caught eyes with Ren.. Light skinned Cute ass nigga with Braces. He was talking to Redd last year but she told me nothing Serious. After me & Ren engaged in a conversation, I felt somewhat interested. We conversed about his ex & covered each other's interest & all of that shit you talk about when "first" meeting each other. I later that night got intrigued by another Young Fella, by the name of Will. The conversation was fresh, meaning it was similar to like a breath of fresh air. He was a complete gentleman but humorous. We made each other laugh and then


connected from there. I was interrupted several times by Black N Mild texting me. I needed to get away from Will, I felt bad but I had to end some shit with Bryan. I didn't love Bryan the way I guess I told him. Shit wasn’t vibing right, I fucked him once last time. After getting His brother and Taurus to leave. We went at it. He slipped the Magnum on and kissed me and slid it in. I Admit his dick is good & ranking like No. 2 on my list but I had to make him feel worth while since he really ain't know it would be the last time he would get any from me. As usual I cant take his dick. Magnum's I can take but Its just the deep stroking he has. He hurted me a little too much that I couldn’t even pee without flinching my eyes. I think he jabbed an organ that wasn’t suppose to be touched. He talks to me knowing I like to be talked too. Who want's a quiet fuck? He took me in many different positions that night that I fell tired early. It takes him a little minute to cum but hey who want's a minute man. He can last, boy can he last. . . a good minute too. He wanted more but little did he know Thursday night pussy getting was the last of mines he would ever feel. I detached myself from him. Not answering calls nor texts the next day. After walking back up to the hotel in fucking heels, Me & Redd & Sunshine was tired. We had explored the whole goddamn street and downtown in heels! We was laughed at & was the center of attention by the way we was walking like the Heels couldn’t hold us. Someone was yelling from the right side of this big tall building. A Light skinned brother from a far. He had told me Something funny about all of us in our heels that I stopped to catch my breath and to joke back and yelled to him to give me a piggy back ride. Yes A fucking piggy back ride. My feet were hurting & I was tired!. Without hesitation he hurried to my rescue. He picked me up and started walking. He held on to me to what have seemed like days. He handled me aggressively as I kept sliding off his back to put me back in place. He was handsome. I gave him a kiss on the cheek & said thank you. A lot of people in their vehicles watched him carry me across Ellis Street, but who gave a fuck. Not I, I was getting the best ride of my life. The more he shifted me up, the more wet I became. The penetration from his back was rubbing against my clit. He made me horny. He handled me like I was lighter than a Fly, & we all know that’s a Lie. I didn’t want him to let me go but I told him to put me down at McDonalds, a couple feet from Hooters. We exchanged numbers & That was it. The Dyme Squad made it safely into the hotel that night. I was practically all over Will. I became drawn to him in such little time. I was


intended to make up for lost time when I regretfully bailed out on him for contributing to Black N Mild's Needs. We kissed & took pictures at the same time getting to know each other. We both stepping into each other's lives Friday night. I was just getting ready to go back to my room when I saw him laying on the bed. Flirtatious as I am. I climbed on top of him. I practically hunched him. I winded & grinded on him. I could feel my pussy muscles tighten through my boxers. He lifted up my shirt and took each breast in his mouth gently while taking his time. He handled me soft but needingly. I felt my thighs weaken & boy shorts beginning to soak. I know my shit so it was telling me to get up and go clean yourself. Play fucking with Will made me catch a nut in just that lick of time. Straddling upon him with clothes on while gyrating my thighs and hips on him made me nut. I couldn’t believe it until I looked into the seat of my boy shorts while going back to my room to pee. There, I looked down at the evidence. I had creamed from the top of my pussy folds til’ the crack of my ass. My phat friend was throbbing for Will but I couldn't fuck him. Knowing I could have & Knowing me, I don’t give a rats ass If we met and fucked on the same night as meeting each other, long as you got to condom or we'll find one we can get to it, but Will was different. It felt like it would have been to early, that’s the urge that came over me to hurry to get out that room because if I would have let my pussy speak for me that night, Will would have went back home to Polk County, well satisfyingly broke off. If you know what I mean. I met a lot of new & interesting friends this trip. Like Nate, aka Young Lloyd. Dezi aka The Young Cute Singer. Mike aka TAME, he was such a gentleman to me being a year younger than I. Eric from Last year. Dex, Wendi's old man & So many more niggas I met from the years before that I'll probably keep seeing. I hate coming home that following Sunday, because its always Long & boring. Something just feels incomplete when coming home. I took a last look at the Downtown Atlanta scenery & popped in my mp3 player & zoned the conversation that was going on in the car & world out. I awoke around something to 1pm to arrive back in my city, my air, my family & everything.

Chapter 32. THE

BISEXUAL MODEL.

When first started conversing with her, I knew of her. I knew of her face & Knew of what she did to a close friend of mines. We talked in our my space mail & urban chat mail. We exchanged numbers and began talking on a Thursday. She was at work. I found the time to get to know her & see


where her head was at. We made a date that night. She had got off at 5 & was soon to be on my end in a couple of hours. She arrived a little after 9 and we hopped on 48 and began to head to Leesburg. We decided to go to a movie. Alien Vs. Predator "Requiem". We held hands while she was under my jacket because she was cold. I got manner's. That movie was whack, sorry to say. I ate McDonalds while she at Steak & Shake. I offered to pay but she pleaded. I was like well damn, I ain’t got to pay for shit?. She was short. Seductive eyes. Soft lips. Long Weave. Nice sized breasts. She appeared just like the pictures I’ve seen and designed for her. We ended up at the Super 8 Motel. I took a quick shower & We laid in the bed together watching the rest of Coach Carter that was on TV. We played a little foreplay with the kissing & shit, but sooner got to the big shit. She fondled with my breasts while I sucked on her thighs. I aggressively motioned her ass to my face. We assumed the 69 position. You know how you spit sometimes and all of your saliva don’t make it to the ground and leaves that trail back to your mouth? She was just that wet. I sticked my tongue in her and leaned back and her cum was trailing up to my mouth. We sucked and ate each other for what it felt like hours. She leaned her head up and stated that she was dizzy and couldn't further her mission upside down. So she buried her head between my legs. The head was good, don’t get me wrong but It took me a little time to cum because of the technique she used. With one foot on the wall and my hands cuffing my breasts, I released. She kissed my inner thighs with those soft lips of her's and entered the bathroom. We fell asleep with our back turned to each other. She woke me up early that following morning and took me home. I haven't talked to her since in that nature. We tweet from time to time on twitter, hell I even designed her latest twitter background, but she’ll always be my baby & be very special to me.

Chapter 33. THE

ZOE.

Where We met is invalid but what are we determine to accomplish is completely up to us. He one of the few men that has came into my life and has my high level of interest. His Intelligence and Achievements is out of this world. He has A Degree & trying to make a name for himself, & that excites the hell out of me. He's not like the other's like becoming


a rapper, out in the streets, lazy, etc. I came to him & ever since then I've been attached. We might of conversed one of two times before actually meeting each other. I got dressed in some Johnny Girl Capri’s with a white tee & some silver flip flops. The jeans had silver in them so I was trying to accessorize a little, ya know. Put on the matching white pearl bracelet and matching silver earrings & headed out. He arrived in a Impala and I hopped in. He was wearing some red basketball shorts & Black tee. He had his dreads down and he look over to me with those eyes that I've only fallen in love with from the pictures I seen him in and he smiled. We got to know each other more while driving back on the turnpike to his place. I was introduced to his brother and his nephews. They were so adorable & they had his eyes!. I’m a eye person & him and his brother and his kids all had them eyes. I cant explain it but they shaped different. We relaxed in his bed. He rest his head against my chest while we talked. Then he made his move. He began to lick and kiss my breasts, I’m not a female that get excited over her breasts being sucked but he changed my mind quick. He handled me soft not rough but aggressively enough to turn me on. He slid off my jeans and my boy shorts followed. I gave him head to get him hard enough and then he entered me. It kind of felt like my first time, shit actually hurted. He found his rhythm and our bodies in twined and since he wasn’t too rough or too gentle and was grinding in the right positions he made my eyes roll back in my head. My toes curled just a little. It was different but in a good way shall I say. We watched the Redskins vs. Cowboy game that Sunday. HOW ABOUT THOSE SKINS!!?? ‘Chea it was 26-6, ya dig!. We Fucked another time that night before he took me home. Nigga A Nympho!. We vibed on the way while taking me home. I was feeling him ya know and I can see it was likewise. He gave me advice about school & wanted to know more about him. He fed me before turning on C.R 48 to take me home. We kissed before I exited the car & That was it. He's anticipating my book because I told him I would make him an addition to the Sex Chronicles. He's A Charming & Intelligent & Knows how to fuck type of Haitian. A Total Knock out...


Chapter 34. CORY. As we lay in your bed with me sleeping soundly and you snoring in my ear while I’m snuggled up in your arms, I awake. I can't move, I can't open my eyes. All I know is that I got to piss. You move your arm from around me and exit the bedroom while closing the door. I get up from under the covers and head straight to the bathroom. The bathroom smelled of the Sweet Pea body wash we both used last night while showering. I used up all of your soap so you had to resort into using the girly body wash. I wipe myself and wash my hands and climb back into the bed we shared. We met on a vibe line. You was heavily interested and I was heavily flattered. We talked for hours before ending the phone conversation. We met on a Wednesday night & ever since then its been nothing but pure happiness. Soon as I arrived to you and your brother's 4 Bedroom townhouse we had to take Quint home. A Dude that I was familiar with, whom I used to talk too but never got far. We hopped in your Mercury on 22's that you soon will up to 4's. The music was hooked up & every time you increased the volume it made me harder to breathe. We bend the blocks after dropping Quint off and you took me through your neighborhood. I met several of ya cousins & your charming father. I looked nice in your passenger seat. Being that Classy Chick on your arm. We both has on brown attire. You had on Coogi Jeans with a Brown tall tee. Brown & White & Black pumas. I had on Brown Capri's with a Brown Dressy Type shirt with Gold Trimmings with gold heels. I had the brown earrings to match with gold accessories. We didn't know each one of us were going to have the same color on. We sat and chilled with your cousin, Ced. You brought me two nickel bags of weed. I only used one bag for the cigarillo. I got high and slightly tipsy off the Cognac & Sprite in your cup. You made me feel comfortable around you. You practically babied me. You fed me what I wanted, Sonics. You dined me like I've never been dined before. We got back to your place, your brother was sleep on the couch and then we showered. I laid under your arm and my memory recalled you liked your nipples sucked on. I began to swirl my tongue on your left nipple and your breathing became heavy. I must've been doing something right. Kudos for me. I sucked on your ears also and began trailing my hand to your dick. Precum oozed out of the tip in my hand like a puddle. I licked my fingers and your fingers too, because they too had my juices on them. I was


anxious to taste you so I just went for it. Having to pause to take off your shorts. Sucking the head starvingly you moaned and breathed heavy. That was your weak spot. Precum was shooting out of your dick as I sucked on it. Hearing you groan and get worked up make me smile. You flipped on top of me and widen my legs and began to suck on my clitoris. It make me jerk and bite the pillows. I was moaning your name from the pleasure you sent up and down my body. Just you sucking on my nipples made me wet. Normally I don’t like my titties sucked but you made an impact on me tonight. The way you licked and sucked my titties made me immediately cum on myself. The way you do this technique on my breasts made me dream of it being used on my pussy, and then my pussy moistened. We fucked that night. You was hurting me and I was running. You kept chasing and I kept on running. You came on top of me. We was strapped up, no doubt, but I could feel it inside of me. We washed ourselves up and climbed back into bed talking to each other until we both fell asleep. We aint make a future together even though I would have loved too. Charge it to the game for what it was and could have been.

Chapter 35. 2

MEN, 1 HEART.

Fell for the both of you in the same month. One of you I been met a month before. You are so intelligent and attractive. You saw me biting and had to rail me in. Every time they see me I’m always on the phone with you. We've gotten so close over the past 2 months & a half. I could just imagine a life with you, something beautiful. You've intrigued me so much in such a short time, its happening so fast that I’m afraid that if I may blink it might be gone. Your like a breath of fresh air that I haven't inhaled in a long, long, long time. Now the attention towards you has been cut short. The drama in my household has been the cause, and someone else. Arguing with my Aunt, trying to make a new life on my own. I want to branch out. In due time, I Will. Now I've met you. Your making me ignore his calls but Miss him. You've introduced me to a life that I can have only if I share it with you. Your making me laugh, even smile through the ordeal that I’m going through at home. Talking for long hours on the phone giving me all of you and me the same. I held back alot because of him. I’m attached to him & your invading what we have. Why? Because I’m letting


you, even though I’m doing and going about this all wrong. I’m Lost. I’m in a maze that I can't seem to get out. Then its you. You wonder what’s Up with me, & why we seem so distant. I want to scream "Its Him!, Its Him!" but I can't bring myself to say it. Tears fill my eyes when I want to tell you what’s wrong with me. You only know the half, but not the full story. You neglect me. You told me dreams. You swept me in what I call a Fairy Tale. My hopes came to a height that only you brought up. I began to lose interest in your aspects & your "so-called" future with me in it. Your ego with me by your side fell short in my eyes.. I finally realized that you were the epitome of what I hated.. FLAW.. You couldn't even be man enough to tell me.. admit.. fill me in.. Now I’m not talking to you like always. No morning phone call, What’s going on? My heart is made up to whom I admire and will soon come to adore. Then I realize that some people are just in your life temporarily.. Which one is whom? or are they both? Now I’m alone. My phone doesn't ring, & quite frankly I’m enjoying it. Nothing's going on in the Fascinating world of Jaidah B... 2 Men, 1 Heart... My minds made up as well as for my heart.. 1 Young Woman. 1 Heart. 1 Me..

Chapter 36. REFLECTIONS. "Dear World, You Should see my view". I’m sitting on these clouds, almost bumped into the stars a few minutes ago. Into a little spotlight shining on the life of I, Jaidah B. In the words of Ice Cube, Today was a Good day. Lets take a deep breath. Pause. Exhale. Whew. I’m at the end of my road with this one. This book is about my life and promiscuous lifestyle. It'll never stop unless I find the right one to make it come to a hault. I can be faithful but the promiscuous lifestyle will continue to flow through my veins. I wasn’t ashamed of letting anyone taking a view on my life, whether the feedback is negative or positive. Its my life that I live and no one can tell me what I should have done or How I could have avoided any situation I went through and discussed in this book because at the end of the day Its The Diary & Sex Chronicles of Me, Jaidah B. There's nothing you can do about it, get over yourself. You might have read some disturbing information about me which made


you take a different look of me, but I don’t eat anything to make you shit so save that "Oh Jaidah A Hoe" shit for someone that'll listen. My Shit still good & My HIV RESULTS came back ALL Non-Reactive. How many of you have gotten tested while reading my book? Or before? Just because you ladies seen the dude put on the condom doesn't mean its a safe risking ride. Just because you fellas are hypnotized by a cute ass face and a body to die for doesn't mean she isn't burning. I keep a list of who I had sex with & not ashamed to say. Its a nice list. What You say? How many Jai? I Laugh. You'll say WOW & Your eyes will get wider if I admitted the total count. Its that many that My shit still good & I’m HIV Free, trust. Some people didn’t want to be in my book but are in it anyhow, but hey? I can’t be sued. I Laugh harder. All the people that are mentioned in here that knows their Chapter, thank you. Some of You have made a memorable experience not in my life but also in my heart. Its been a long ass road for me and my keyboard & computer but I accomplished a book. Maybe not a full paperback or hardcopy maybe a short story, but still. Its a book no matter how you choose to categorize it. I have no regrets only determination. I’m a Rookie Graphic designer. Singer/Songwriter. Lake County's Songstress. Poet, & Most Important of all your Author. Thanks for Reading, but this isn't the last of me, I'll guarantee you that. -Throws Up My 3's. "Carpe Diem " -Jai.

Chapter 37. SLEEPING

WITH A MARRIED MAN.

(BONUS CHAPTER) He stands about 6 feet, but short enough to kiss me. His 6 pack gleaming from sweat from his daily workout. His wife was out of town and I was over twice this week. We knew what we were doing was wrong but the ecstasy we both felt while kissing on each other was too hard to ignore to do right about the issue. I reached in his refrigerator for a water bottle to give to him so he could cool off, he stroke my face. The side where I always put


my Aaliyah-Like bang & asked me "How was your day babe?" "The same as always, thanks for rescuing me from Rita. I just get so tired of arguing with her" I Told him. "Well If you get yourself a job & car or maybe work on getting your license I'll fund your living and hook you up Jai". The words were like fire to me but he was right. I was 18 and still living and pacifying under my Aunt & Uncle. I was determined to get out on my own but I just needed time. I loved how he was blunt but also understanding to my needs. He patted on the weight bench for me to sit down. I slid off my heels & sat down. He look directly in my eyes & I felt myself blush. He smiled. The sun had came into the patio screen and made his T-Boy tattoo glisten. He had just got it done. He was 29 and Was very built for his age. His health and appearance was beautiful for man his age. He was still young though. My phone vibrated. A Chain text from Jae had appeared on my screen. "Who's that? One of your little boyfriends huh?" He chuckled while taking a long sip of his water. "No punkass, Its my cousin texting me SEE!" I waved the phone in front of his eyes to see. He waved it down. I Laughed. I got up and he caught my thigh with one of his freed hands and caressed my thigh. He lifted up my skirt & my red boy shorts was in his face view. He pulled me closer to his face and sniffed. He loved my smell as well of my taste. "What soap did you use today?" He asked me while looking up at me. "Some new body wash Jae just got for Christmas" I answered. "Smells Good" he replied. "I Know" Cockily I responded back. He got up and palmed my ass and kissed me deeply like his tongue was sliding down my throat. He walked me into his fully racked kitchen, his wife obviously decorated. He let me go and Walked ahead of me to his "his & her" bathroom. I felt guilty about being in a room let alone this house where he shares it with her. He ranned the shower and undressed me. "I know and can smell you showered but join me Bae" He asked with those puppy eyes. I nodded. I slid off his gym shorts and looked down at his well equipped manhood standing at attention. My mouth watered. I wanted him to wash first. I honestly don’t feel like having a mouth full of salty nuts. We wasn’t in love for goodness sake so what the hell. He slid back the shower see through glass and I followed. My hair got wet instantly but I didn't care. He liked it wet. Trust me. We rubbed his hands all over my body. My Shoulders first. Then my back, my hips. My thighs.. my freshly shaven legs.. He took my face in both hands and kissed me hungrily. I wrapped my hands around his brown


sugar complexioned back. I ranned my manicured nails up his back and around his neck. He took one ear in his mouth and made me slightly collapse under the shower head but he held on to me. I was moaning, He knew it was my spot. I licked the side of his face struggling to get to his left ear. With many attempts of failure he nodded his head in the right direction enough for me to nibble on his ear. His wife left a hicky on the other side so I went for the left. He shivered & tried to pry away for my grip but failed. I sucked on his neck. His collar bone area and the top of his shoulders where his tattoos were in scripted. He backed back and took one of my breasts into his warm mouth while he fingered my other breast nipple. I rubbed the back of his neck. He placed both of my breasts together and began to lick and suck each repeatedly. I moaned. He guided his tongue down my chest and into my navel. He circled it and sucked around it. He trailed his tongue down to my throbbing clit and teased me by licking my inner thighs before devouring what he call's his Sweet Lunch. He lifted one of my legs on the shower wall where the soap suppose to be. He opened my lips and kissed each throbbing corner of each one of them. He circled my clit while he gently sucked around it. I grabbed the back of his head. "Not yet Baby" He whispered while getting up and kissing me. I tasted my juices that he savored purposely to feed me while kissing me. No big deal, I’m sweet. For all you tricks that don’t do that kissing a nigga because he ate you out then something wrong with you. That’s like you don’t even like to taste the pussy you grew up with. Its like you don’t want to taste your damn self. I’m saying it aint shit so why the fuck say “eww” if you knew or know for a fact you got some nasty smelling tasting pussy. I laugh at you remedial bitches. He washed me & I washed him and he led me to the guest bedroom. He knows I don’t like fucking in the bed him and his wife shared. There goes the picture of them in the hallway. Mr. & Mrs. Taurin Caldwell. They looked happy, yeah whatever. He picked me up and through me on the bed. We both laughed. He took one of my toes which were manicured by the way into his mouth. "Oooh Taurin" I screamed. He licked my inner foot and sucked on my heel. He took the other foot & entered each crease in between my toes with his tongue while massaging both at the same time. He climbed on the Super King Sized bed, & I mean super. Its big enough for like 6 people & licked up my legs while sucking the back of my calves & kneecaps. He made me squeezed one of the pillows his wife hand sowed.


He laid comfortable letting me know its time to eat. He cuff his hands under my ass and lift me up to his mouth and sucked my juices that were dripping onto the side of his hands. He took a minute to suck his fingers. I was that wet. He tongue fucked me. The noises echoed into the quiet room. All that was heard was my pussy juices being slurped into his Pussy Eating Champion of a mouth and my moans filled the air. He flipped me over and began eating my ass. Not saying its a bad thing but Shit don’t feel right for some reason. He sucked on the part of my body where my thigh met the bottom of my ass. I moaned into the pillow faced down. He played with my ass while going back to his entree'. I threw it back in his face and he was enjoying it. "That’s right baby, throw it back on Daddy face. Give it to me baby". He sucked harder and faster while I pumped my ass into his face while stretching up to catch air. His face fucking from behind was wearing me out but I can last with the big boys. I wasn’t even coming yet but he sent chills throughout my spine that I collapse while his face did so as well. He lifted me up while he changed his position. My pussy laid on top of his face as he locked my thighs on his chest and began to bury his head in my pussy. My juices were dripping all over his neck tats and chin. He devoured my pussy in his mouth. Then I felt that climaxing state rising. I quickly got up and out his locking grip and assume the 69 position. His dick was wet from precum. Eating pussy got him off good. I licked the tip of his dick and massaged his nuts with my fingers, he moaned my name. I smiled. I took the length in my mouth and soaked every inch of his penis with my mouth liquids. Keeping one hand on his dick. I found his nuts and placed my mouth on his whole sack. He leaned up. He couldn’t take his nuts sucked on and that made him wanted to run, but nope I kept him down. He pulled my hair a little too hard but that didn’t stop me. I juggled his nuts in my mouth. Sucking on one while the other soaked up saliva from within my mouth walls. He moaned my name again and pulled my hair even harder. I leaned up this time, shit was hurting now. "Taurin quit, take it like a man" I joked with him but in a serious tone. "I’m sorry Jai but that shit feel good man, you know I aint built for that type of pleasure yet boo" he told me gasping for breath. "Well am I hurting you papi?" "No...It just feels sooooo fucking good. I’m about to nut" I Laughed. I Sucked a little bit longer on his nuts until he got mad and flipped me


over. He broke open a Magnum. Ladies if he ain’t a magnum then he aint packing. Trojans are fine but anything lesser than a Trojan, he whack. He slid his dick into me. He looked deep into my eyes while his eyes lit up with pleasure. I blushed because I knew tightening my pussy muscles was the reason he shuddered. I always knew the little simplest shit to get him off. Sadly, we couldn't be together the way we should because of his marriage but he was the type to make shit work just because of the kids but she wasn’t clearly satisfying him sexually. He collapse top of me and gripped my ass and squeezed it. He must be coming, I thought. He bit my shoulder while I was running tongue exercises around his earlobes. His sweat dripping on me and our bodies clashed together like the waves on South Beach, Florida. His strokes was long and deep. My body cried out but my mouth formed no sound. He was dicking me down faster and faster. He digged my insides deep with that enormous dick that he owned. He was hurting me and he knew it so he back off a little and slow grinded in me. He kissed me. He sucked on my lips. He sucked on my neck. Then he fastened his pace again and I was Cumming. I was choked up, I was so dry throated I couldn’t scream. He felt my pussy muscles sucking on his dick so automatically he held me in his arms and He whispered while nibbling on my ear that he was Cumming too. I digged my nails in his back ignoring the heavy amount of sweat he had worked up. We came together. He collapse on top of me breathing heavily. We always was a good fuck. Nothing boring. Always something refreshing and new. He kissed my neck. . .my chest. . .my breasts. He fondled with my pussy. He knew it was burning with fire so he sent his Water Hose of a tongue and became my Fire Fighter and came to my rescue. I was sensitive to his licking, I was completely squirming. Again, I was getting wet. His eating technique never failed. He put his whole face in it & drinked me. I was Cumming & he was sucking me dry. That kind of shit makes me even hornier. A nigga that eats it sloppy like he aint afraid to get his face drowned with a woman's juices make me cum faster. I was Cumming He knew it too. He locked his face in my legs and wrapped his legs around my trembling thighs and sucked me so hard my head started spinning' like I was going in circles like his tongue around my clitoris. Just as a I was Cumming .Rita burst in my room and announced that it was time to take the trash to the road. Damn! I got up annoyed that I was 10 something in the morning, knowing it was too early to wake me up. My daily awakening schedule was like 2 in the afternoon. I got up and went straight to the bathroom. I had a wet


dream. A Wet dream about sleeping with a married man that only I knew of from My space & never met. It was slowly dripping down my leg like I pissed the bed. I was soaked. I got myself together and headed to collect everyone's trash to take it to the road.


Diary, Intimate Chronicles