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NOVEMBER 2012
From Page 18 Her 9-year-old, John, has autism. “It has been difficult,” she said. “My 19-year-old, when she was in high school, I let some things slip.” Speech therapy for the youngest one took precedence over homework assignments or the grades or the moods of her oldest one, Gordon said. “If I wasn’t so focused on speech therapy or attending the needs of her little brother, maybe she would have been better adjusted in high school,” Gordon said. “She did have friends, but we were new to Washington, so she probably could have used a little more one-on-one time.” Even if at the time her two oldest children would say to her they did not want one-onone time, Gordon said she should have insisted instead of acquiescing. “I kind of took advantage of that, but I
should have said, ‘I’m going to be a parent, I’m going to that school function,’” she said. Meyer wrote in a list he titled “What Siblings Would Like Parents and Service Providers to Know” that brothers and sisters often get left “in the literal and figurative waiting rooms of service delivery systems” and they deserve better. Oneon-one time yields a message to siblings that the parents are there for them, he added. “One child’s special needs should not overshadow other children’s milestones and achievements,” he wrote. At the time, Gordon’s oldest child, Mackenzie, “dreaded” attending functions where the whole family attended, for fear of John throwing a tantrum. “But now that he’s 9, we don’t have those anymore,” Gordon noted. Now that Mackenzie is 19, she has become John’s protector, she added. “But when she was 13
“By gathering more information, I feel like I can be a better parent to my son with autism, but also to the other two.”
Becky Gordon or 14,” Gordon remembered, “it was kind of embarrassing.” Meyer wrote that brothers and sisters face issues that are uniquely theirs, such as resentment, peer issues, embarrassment and pressure to achieve. He recommended learning how to be a good listener, so when a child is unhappy, he or she can voice concerns. “Brothers and sisters share many of the concerns that parents of children with special needs experience,” he wrote, “including isolation, a need for information, guilt, concerns about the future and caregiving demands.” John was diagnosed late, when he was 7. By
Contributed
Tim, John and Mackenzie Gordon visit Pacific Science Center in Seattle. John has autism. Growing up while understanding their sibling’s struggles wasn’t easy for Mackenzie and Tim, but now they have become his protector, their mom said. the time the children learned that he had autism, they were better equipped to understand it. “I have heard him tell his friends, ‘It’s no big deal, my brother has autism.’ It’s just a matter of fact now,” Gordon said of her middle child Tim, 14. “If John
is doing something that might be embarrassing, they deal with it.” So has Gordon, from the start. “It never occurred to me not to seek a solution,” she said, adding that she has networked with parents in the same situation as hers. Knowing and learning from parents whose children face the same challenges has been comforting, Gordon added, particularly parents with children older than hers. “Just to see how they do it,” she said. “How they adjusted to it, what the setbacks were and what I had to look forward to. By gathering more information, I feel like I can be a better parent to my son with autism, but also to the other two.” Siblings also need ageappropriate information
on what’s going on with their brother or sister, said Meyer, whose Sibling Project has sired peer support groups for siblings of children with disabilities called “Sib Shops” and who has authored a collection of stories from siblings of children with disabilities called “Views from Our Shoes.” People must never forget that siblings are possibly the longest relationship a person with a disability will have, as they will probably outlive and outlast parents, grandparents and special caregivers, Meyer wrote. “If they are provided with support and information, they can help their siblings live dignified lives from childhood to their senior years,” he wrote.
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