Recently Divorced or Widowed. They can make wonderful spouses, but the issue here is how recently those events happened. If such traumas are still fresh, they may cause anger or a sense of loss. Thus, as such people might not be ready for a new relationship, it’s better to wait until more time has passed. Habitual Divorcers. This type, which marries only for pleasure, easily find faults in others, even with the smallest of issues. They have no resilience or staying power to see the marriage through difficult times, and so might marry for the wrong reasons. Ungodly People. They have little or no connection with God, for what interests them is this world. Their lack of faith has a negative impact on the family members’ religious practice and sets a poor example for the children. Mama’s Boy or Girl. Spouses who are MANY UNMARRIED INDIVIDUALS IN THEIR 30S influenced and controlled by their parents ARE SELF-CONSCIOUS AND START TO THINK will never escape the multiple conflicts that THAT SOMETHING IS WRONG WITH THEM. THEY will inevitably arise. When newly married couples are forced to live with either set of FEEL PRESSURED TO MAKE A HASTY DECISION, parents, who will make the financial and ESPECIALLY WHEN FAMILY AND FRIENDS START other important decisions for the new family is often a source of continual tension. Such PRESSURING THEM WITH SARCASTIC JABS AND acrimony can easily subvert the Quranic SUBTLE SUGGESTIONS. understanding of marriage: the union of a man and a woman legally united to fulfill each other’s sexual and emotional needs: Players. These people don’t respect the sanctity “Glory to God, Who created in pairs all things that the earth produces, as well of a monogamous relationship and thus become as their own kind and (other) things of which they have no knowledge" (36:36). involved with other people. They undermine trust and feelings of marital intimacy and hurt the mar- POSITIVE APPROACH riage’s foundation. The Quran enjoins Muslims to select good and pure (tayyib) spouses: “… and Debtors. Financially irresponsible people buy women of purity are for men of purity, and men of purity are for women of things unnecessarily, carry debt, don’t pay bills on purity…” (24:26). People wanting to get married have different criteria, ranging from the supertime and frequently borrow money from financial institutions or family and friends. They may also use ficial (e.g., looks, beauty, wealth, status, hijab or not, beard or not) to the more this money for items or activities that the spouse would serious (e.g., religion, character, compatibility and outlook on relationships, find objectionable. domestic violence, anger, finance, children and personal habits). We recommend that people set three types of standards and qualities: • Core standards that shouldn’t be compromised, such as religion, spirituality, morality and character. • Peripheral standards, like age difference, the same culture, profession, status and physical features. • Bad and questionable qualities, all of which should cause you to reject the person. We also strongly recommend enrolling in a good premarital course. Doing so will help intending spouses create a harmonious and tranquil family, practice patience and show our best character while overcoming life’s challenges. As the Quran says: “Among His Signs is this, that He created for you mates from among yourselves, that you may dwell in tranquility with them, and He has put love and mercy between your (hearts). Verily, in that are Signs for those who reflect" (30:21). “There is no greater happiness for you approaching the door of your home at the end of a day knowing someone on the other side of that door is waiting for the sound of your footsteps.” This quote, attributed to Ronald Reagan by https://quotefancy.com/, has meant so much to me during these 50 years of my married life. ih us to look for a number of things in a spouse, but especially deen and good character. We recommend that you avoid getting involved with the types of people listed below. Addicts. All types of addiction negatively affect healthy relationships. Such people are often prone to inconsistent and unpredictable behavior, outbursts of anger and violence, irresponsibility, emotional emptiness, lack of sexual desire and bad moods. As a result, the relationship will be full of ups and downs.
Khalid Iqbal, a mechanical engineer and founder of Rahmaa Institute, created the institute because of his passion for working with nonprofits dealing with marriage, conflict resolution, divorce, domestic violence and anger prevention. The author of “Anger and Domestic Violence Prevention Guide for the Muslim Community”(2016) and a speaker on family and marital issues, he has developed a comprehensive eight-hour premarital counseling course. He can be contacted at: Rahmaa.Institute@gmail.com.
NOVEMBER/DECEMBER 2021 ISLAMIC HORIZONS 21
