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NO DIRECTION 0.2


CONTENT 03 第一期读后感 酱油小空 06 血 痂 木子草明 08 我读三毛 小鸡仔 11 Thai 多 fun-小猪和香姣的奇妙旅程 Thornbird 12 红衣蓝颜 忍者穿白衣 22 斗蚊 小鸡仔 23 褪色 Muy Blanca 24 膜拜朴赞郁之复仇三部曲 酱油小空 29 Tarot Reader——Chapter2 Muy Blanca 36 我的宇宙情结 木笔 39 弟弟 酱油小空 41 阴道·吐槽 空空儿

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第一期读后感 酱油小空

“来波士顿 4、5 天,前一顿一直忙着期末论文,准备手续,刚刚品读了第一期 No Direction,粗糙的心突然安静细腻了一样,很感动,好喜欢。”(Fancy)

从邮箱里面摘来了 Fancy 的留言,加上群里面看到童鞋们的讨论,发现关 于 No Direction 的几个关键词是 感动,安静,喜欢。除了这些关键词外,我想 就是“心潮澎湃”了。 先是被 Thornbird 同学《旅行的意义》带到天南海北,回想起不一样的旅程 和心情。对“梦幻”, “挑战”, “静谧”,“肆意”的旅程心向往之。在风雨里漂泊,有“偶 遇”,有“懂得”,有“无限可能”。我们客旅寄居在这个世界上,是所有值得珍惜的人 和风景,让旅途充满浪漫。 从天涯海角到《缘来是你》里面的家乡,好像来到木笔家的菜园子(不知有 木有。。=p),她已经沏好了一壶茉莉花茶,招待疲惫不堪的旅客。亲情、友情、 爱情,这些浓得化不开的情谊,总是因为太美,让人害怕失去。好在,这样的害 怕让我们确信,在心里有一块柔软的角落,是拿什么也不愿换,是任时光流逝也 不会老的。 在美国的时候,被朋友带去一家台湾餐馆。店很小,只有三个店员,做寿司 的男生脸上常常带着微笑,两个女服务生,一个娇小可爱,一个高大冷艳。大概 是厨师会把好心情储藏在饭菜里,寿司吃起来香酥可口,每一粒米又很有嚼劲, 3


从此被台湾美食抓住了胃。看到《台北捷运》的时候,真可谓是心神荡漾。棕、 红、橘、蓝、绿、黄,彩色的地铁线路,标示的可爱配图,贴心的夜间候车区, 热闹非凡的站点,读起来虽然未到台北,感觉已经胜似在捷运的线路上“悠游”了。 读 Tarot Reader 的时候,不止一次被”I”的主动震撼,主动得去经营店铺的 人气,主动缓解第一位客户 the housewife 紧张的心情,主动观察 the housewife 对塔罗牌解读的反应,比如这个主动的偷看 “I peeked swiftly at her, who now was stumbled. I knew, I had grasped her mind, and moving forward wouldn't be a tough case.” “I” 看起来是个古灵精怪又爱主动掌控局势的主,很想接着读 下去! “文学,我指的是真正意义上的文学,可能是不现实的,但必定是真实的。 《是 ” 谁撒了谎》 对现实和真实的讨论,读起来好像在凛冽清泉里游泳似的,让人对 现实和真实,有了一个清醒的瞬间。 “现实是什么?现实是一日三餐,柴米油盐这 些琐碎的生活,可也同样是充斥着谎言、欺骗和伪装的所谓“生存法则”。这些现 实就像浮尘一样弥漫在世间,迷蒙了许多人的眼,看不穿或根本看不见掩盖于尘 埃底层的本真。” 谎言、欺骗和伪装是现实的一部分,即便是最亲近的人之间,或 许都存在着难以察觉的假象。 经历过苦难洗礼的人们,用一颗诚恳纯净的心, 呈现真实。 看到《睡不着怪枕头》,被小妮责怪枕头的种种深深的萌到。失过眠的孩子 们大概都体会的到其中的寂寞无奈甚至是无助。实在拿失眠没有办法,就幽它一 默,在精神上藐视它,坐等和睡不着斗争胜利的一天。 《温暖过我的你们·书籍》 ,书的故事和自己的故事交织在一起,书里五味杂 陈的感情和书外心弦的和鸣。书里书外,因着彼此十几年如一日的依恋,跨越时 4


空交汇了目光。 从夏天的宵夜熏肉大饼,烤肉,广场上跳最炫民族风的大妈,到澳洲的半碗 苹果块儿,衣柜,百叶窗,《夏天的风》从回忆里的热闹、到眼前的静寂,让人 缅怀曾经小小的幸福和快乐,用心珍藏。 旅行途中,成长路上,一大乐事是邂逅心中的等待,比如热爱 Billy Elliot 电 影的大空遇到了 Billy 的舞台版。人生的“艰辛”,“不易”在舞台剧里带给人的感动, 让人在艰辛面前加增了勇气。感谢大空带我们领略舞台剧里的这份感动、信念和 不一样的风采。

期待和大家第二期的重逢啦。\(^o^)/~

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血 痂 木子草明

她爱我吗? 我生着病,无力地躺在床上,脑海里一直盘旋着这个问题,久久不去。于是, 我努力地搜索脑海中那些与她相关的记忆,只希望能从中找到她爱我的证据。可 是,我找不到。 记忆中的她,总是一副凶巴巴的样子,拉着脸,命令我们做这做那。要是有 她不顺眼的,等着我们的就是无边的斥责。她那双充满怒火的眼睛就像被激怒的 火龙的双眼,令人恐惧,记忆犹新。她,好像没有温柔过。跟她一起的记忆里充 满的是生气,赌气,还有冷战,让她身边的难受。我这病大概就是这样磨出来的。 所以每次回家,不到一月就想离开。我只是心疼爸爸,还有他被气出的胃病。 我正感到委屈,突然房间门开了,是她。 “感觉好些了吗?”她边说边压紧了我四周的被子,丝毫的冷风都被拒之被 外。 “嗯” “想吃点什么?我去给你做。喝点粥好不好?都大半天没吃过东西了。 ” 我没说话。她走了。我心里并不那么好受。 …… 过了一会儿,见她又进来了。我有些意外地瞪着她,只见手里拿了一杯水。 “来,喝点水。” 我头歪一边,躺在床上一动不动,“我不喝。” 她皱了皱眉。我感到她的眼睛盯着我,“那我放着,你渴了就起来喝点啊。” 6


她放下水杯,走了。 我听见了门关上的声音,静静地感受眼角温热的珍珠滚过。我不知道那是难 受的泪水,还是惊喜的泪珠。我似乎看见了她关切的眼神,看见了她担忧的表情, 看见了她对我的爱。但我又不敢承认。她的爱是那么不经意,微妙地很容易让人 忽略。好像只有通过次次受伤,她才会表现出她的温柔,她的关心,她的母爱就 在其中。我们老是斗嘴、赌气,最后两败俱伤。伤在心上,痛在心里。从我伤口 流出和她体内同样的血,结成血痂,待到伤口愈合,血痂便作废物,扔掉。于是, 后来每次看到伤痕,想起的只有痛苦,而忽略了那让伤口愈合又被扔掉的血痂, 由我们相同的血液结成的痂,那里面有她对我浓浓的母爱。 她老是抱怨我不像别的女孩那样叫她“妈妈”,只叫她“妈”。其实,我只是不习 惯那样的叫法。 妈妈是爱我的,只是我从来都只记住了痛,而忽视了她的爱,甚至扔掉,当 作从未拥有过,从未存在过。

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我读三毛 小鸡仔 1. 万水千山走遍,读到墨西哥的行纪一小段,竟然看到“自杀神”的文字。 “世上无论哪一种宗教都不允许人自杀,只有在墨西哥发现了这么一个书上都不 提起的小神。我倒觉得这种宗教给了人类最大的尊重和意志自由,居然还创出一 个如此的神,是非常有趣别具意义的。” 荷西走后,三毛显然对这个世界失去了兴趣,尽管她还有爱她无比的家人,有钦 慕她的约根,和无数关心她的朋友,但都比不上荷西。 一直不理解,在撒哈拉中,三毛是那么乐观向上,在那么艰难的环境中,她的文 字透露的是对生活的热爱,在一望无际的沙漠中,我放佛也能欣赏那里的明月, 星星和独特的撒哈拉人。可是荷西走后,她一个人生活在西班牙,后来辗转到自 己的家乡台湾,她再也开心不起来了,看到的是对生活的游离,竭力想让自己生 活在众人之外,只想一个人静静地消瘦、孤单和寂寞。我能感觉到她的强颜欢笑, 在人群退去后的悲伤。 有人不懂三毛的结局,然而她前后的矛盾越是能体现出她的执着,一个人能爱很 多人,那是因为爱得不够,而三毛的生命里只有唯一的荷西。 所以读她的撒哈拉故事,是多彩的;而读万水千山,是消沉的。

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但是我爱三毛,喜欢她传奇的一生,喜欢她带给我的撒哈拉,西班牙,还有她的 荷西。 2. “谁喜欢做一个永远漂泊的旅人呢?如果手里有一天捏着属于自己的泥土,看见 青禾在晴空下微风里缓缓生长,算计着一年的收获,那份踏实的心情,对我,便 是余生最后的答案了。” 三毛是一个如此简单的人,她说自己前生是印第安女人,因为自己长得像印第安 人,每到中美洲各个国家,总会被认为自己人,她可以很快融入那个集体。“我 注视着这些纯血的族人,心里禁不住涌出一阵认同的狂喜,他们长得多么好看啊! 三毛在南美的旅行,不管是大暴雨、地震、难吃的玉米饼还是脏乱的下榻房间, 她叙述得平静,我惊讶她平和的文字,没有太多戾气,只是在字里行间去说那个 事实,到底是好是坏让别人自己去评价吧,想起最近看过的一点柴静的博客和她 的采访,她的平和和语调的平淡让我觉得她不是一个记者,就是坐在对面的一个 朋友,而正是在这柔和的询问中,她得到她要的信息。她也不评价,她提供给观 众信息,让观众自己去思考。 “最令人为难的就是朋友太过于好意,接受别人的招待亦是于心难安的,以我这 么紧张的个性来说,其实是单独行动比较轻松自在的。”—三毛 我的性情最是孤僻,见到生人更是拘束,这一点外表也许看不出来,可是内心实 在是那样的。-Bolivia 9


我喜欢三毛的率直,也同意她笔下的单独行动,喜欢和某几个朋友去旅行,因为 大家都是无拘无束的人,可以不用在乎很多细节,也不怕得罪人,而和不太熟悉 的朋友一起的时候,总会觉得过于麻烦他人,例如,自己想停下来的时候却不知 道是否别人也愿意。 其实对于三毛的印象一直是一个非常敢爱敢恨的人,好像她到哪里都有朋友,而 且朋友都非常喜欢她,原来她也是一个“拘束”的人,我以为我了解,但其实没有, 读最开始的撒哈拉的故事,雨季不再来,觉得这个人特别真诚,单纯,而看到梦 里花落知多少和万水千山走遍,读到的是她的寂寞,而对于她后来做出的决定, 我觉得我是理解的。 “除了这十天的相处之外,我们之间一无所知,是一场空白。我们都是有过极大 创伤的人,只是你的,已经融化到与它共生共存,而我的伤痕,却是在慢慢习惯, 因为它毕竟还是新的。” 这个伤口最终没有愈合,而是不断恶化,所以三毛的离开是一种必然,倒也不觉 得惋惜,或者觉得她是一个轻生的人,只是理解,当心里很难受的时候,为什么 不能有这个权利去做自己最后一个决定。

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Thai 多 fun-小猪和香姣的奇妙旅程 <普吉和皮皮> Thronbird

一大早飞去普吉岛,坐上大型号 minibus,绕 着起起伏伏腰带状条形马路,奔赴即将下榻的 yaya hotel。hotel 就在海边,远远地就闻到了 海水味儿,混杂着旁边 massage 店的精油味 儿。虽然脑袋里还残存有赶路的困意,但是充 满阳光和盐粒的海滨路不知怎么的就给身体 充满了氧气。取出比基尼,涂满高倍防晒就忍 不住满心的激动,于是催促香姣快快开路,恨 不得立马跳进海水池里去。

俩人带好全副装备,兴冲冲像找松露的小猪一样顺着大海沿路走去,半途上竟然给 我们发现一个四面佛样子的白色神龛!香烟袅袅中跪着一位赤着脚的白衣少女,双 手合十祷告着。这边的祈祷新鲜的如同手镯花束,艳丽的梅红、鹅黄色,简单却包 裹着香氛。

过了路口就是拍着浪花的海岸,迫不及待脱掉鞋子踩上细细的沙滩,打望着各式各 样的外国身体。有人在小跑,有人肌肤松弛,有人身材姣好,有人长满了黄褐斑。 我像小鸟一样欢快地在细沙上印着脚印,再看着它们被浪花铺平,乐此不疲。香姣 穿着粉色泳衣,dahling 色指甲油在脚趾上格外的耀眼。 11


红衣蓝颜 忍着穿白衣

三月烽火绕城巅,乱世皆叹凄凉天。

曾记江东总角连,煮酒论剑年少间。

今忆霸王离别言,憾催赤壁化火烟。

来世君若可相见,红衣蓝颜倚窗边。

细雨·初见

初见是在寿春,那时节正赶上细雨绵绵,本是准备随母亲拜访一家大户,却 因这恼人的天气而作罢。站在回廊往外瞧,那丝丝细线打湿了青石板,模糊了院 中的一汪碧绿。 风雨凄凄,鸡鸣喈喈,既见君子,云胡不夷。轻吟出口,幼年时每逢雨天, 母亲便会诵出这首风雨。 问门仆要了把油纸伞,撑了出门。 寿春城自是与舒县不同,就字面上来看,舒县给人宁静舒缓之感,而寿春则 显得生机盎然,即便是在这雨纷之时也不减那明媚一分。走在街道上故意踏起水 花,从清晨起便萦绕于心的烦闷意外的慢慢消散了,倒也不负这城中光景。 透过淅沥的雨声,远处传来清脆的马蹄响,正是朝这条街而来,微微抬起伞, 12


街道的尽头闪出一匹栗色骏马,隐约可见那马上之人,着深红色衣服。驰马而过, 只是匆匆一眼——应是同龄,只是那凌厉的侧颜还不曾见过。 转了身,见那人消失在远处,不禁想到那句力拔山兮气盖世,暗笑定是这连 天的雨露,直教人乱了思绪,这才断了继续前行的念头,还是回去小憩,屋内听 落雨,最是好眠时。

明媚·总角之交

再次来寿春已过了束发之年,眼前正侃侃而谈的人也拉长了一截,眉眼间的 英气更重了一层,已经不似初见时那一瞥。 谈及当时的偶遇,他居然知晓。 那日本打算出门给权和香儿买那城东的烧鹅,怎奈跑出去就开始落雨,只好 掉头,没成想在街边那人是你,当时我还纳闷街上都没有人买卖,怎么这娃娃还 举个伞瞎晃悠,哈哈哈哈…… 他爱笑,举止豪迈,却让人倍感自然。 伯符,你可知,当年初见你我想的是什么。 别又是些让人又气又笑的东西,公瑾我就觉得你最喜欢打趣我。 力拔山兮气盖世,伯符,我当时脑海中只有这样一句。 西楚霸王? 如今与你畅谈,才觉你有过之而无不及。 这不像公瑾你会说的话。 伯符,我周瑜愿助你成就千秋霸业。 不,我只愿与你比肩共看天下,生死契阔。 13


风吹落了片片梨花,飘到斟满茶水的杯中,相视而笑。

雾霾·分别

第二年,他留了封信后便离开了舒县,去安葬他的父亲。 正直槐月,本打算和他一起去赏花,却又碰到阴雨连绵,母亲曾看着屋外厚 重的云摇头叹气,不吉利。 几天后便传来孙将军战死的噩耗,那天天气意外的阳光灿烂。 他跌了茶杯,把信递了过来。 公瑾,这几天我身体不适,可能看差了,你再看看。 节哀。 黄祖贼人! 他怒喝一声便往屋外冲,马上跟上去扯住他。 伯符,这不该是你的样子,去做你应该做的事情,大仇未报,你怎能只身送 死! 他没有作声,只是别过头。 手腕几乎被他捏碎,疼,却定比不上他蚀骨的心痛。 他没有落泪,轻声句——最深的悲痛,便再也哭不出来了。 不能感同身受,只能尽力理解他的话,看着他的背影,觉得忽然他褪去了年 ���的一切印记。

骄阳·江东之主

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初平二年至建安四年,九年之间,两次分别,从助他平定江东到成为他帐下 中护军。与之对面相谈却寥寥无几。 攻打庐江定在十日之后,连日的站前准备确实有些乏了,正思量着微酌几杯, 近侍走了进来,一拱手。 大人,主公有请。 放下手中的粮草图,看来是该歇歇了。出了军帐朝主帐走去,远远就见那人 立于帐前。 走近了。 夜色宜人,主公好雅兴。 公瑾,你又调侃我。 那主公便是在这月下等人,怕是也学后羿思慕月宫中的嫦娥罢。 嫦娥哪里比得上江东美周郎。 一时噎得说不出话,脸上微热,何时这人也变得这般伶牙俐齿。 罢了,眉毛都拧到一起了,就许你打趣我,不许我也捉弄捉弄你? 听他这番笑言仿佛孩童般,心下无奈至极,不作声,只是转身就走。 刚迈一步,便被他扯住衣摆。 好好好,以后只有公瑾大人嬉笑我的份,莫生气,莫生气。 主公,君无戏言。 不戏,不戏。 转了身,看着他。九年,算不上长,却又给彼此带来了很多的变化,那眸中 的神色更加坚定沉稳了许多。 公瑾,喝酒? 15


随主公高兴便是。 他进了帐又拿着酒坛出来,打开来,先饮了一口,这豪迈的性子还是没变。 公瑾,以后没人时就还唤我伯符罢,主公主公的怪别扭。 接过递过来的酒坛,也灌了一口,站到他身旁。 伯符,宛城上的灯火可看得清。 十日后你我便在那宛城之中,一起点那城楼灯火。 好。 至此便不再言语。

十日后,宛城之役,势如破竹,并不费力。 按照之前约定,确与他一同来到城楼点起灯火。 还是你我二人联手才痛快,所以以后你可不能又跑了。 不跑了。 他笑了笑,一掌拍过来。 伯符,接下来便是庐江了。 拿下庐江,就离我们当年的约定近了一步。 侧头看去,他也正侧头看来。 公瑾莫不是忘了。 比肩共看天下。 生死契阔。 他说了后半句,笑的很大声。

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皓月·二乔

庐江攻了下来,全军休整三日。 策马来到郊外,躺在草地上看云,心松下来,整个人就有些犯困。 半梦半醒之间就觉有东西跑到脸上,努力睁开眼睛。 美周郎醒了? 不用想,定是这厮拿了草叶搞的鬼,起身抓起一把草叶直直扔到他脸上,只 见他一脸惊讶,头发上都是草叶,看起来有点狼狈。 江东小霸王现下也是美得紧。 那也比不上美周郎! 两只蹭了泥土的手直奔脸侧,冷不防被蹭了一脸。 好你个孙伯符,今日便让你成为黑炭! 打累了,也就都安分下了。 伯符,你可知这二乔。 举世无双的美人,乔公昨日来访,谈及这双姐妹,意欲结亲。 还有这样的好事,那伯符你可是有福气了。 你又消遣我,乔公可是想将那小乔嫁与周郎,就是不知这二乔能否能和美周 郎一比。 嘁!你这厮若再将我与女子相比,休怪我翻脸。 一个翻身起来,怒目而视。 说真的,公瑾,以后你就一直穿红衣罢,好看。 你穿也好看。

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几日之后,共同迎娶二乔,高头大马之上,互相道喜。 席间多喝了几杯,有些醉意。 公瑾,你看我就说你匡我,我穿这大红的衣服可是不如你。 醉眼朦胧,这厮居然谈起衣服。 伯符你喝多了,等下子春宵一刻可别醉死过去。 你啊,就咒我罢。 我可担待不起这罪名。 我说,公瑾,我们是总角之交罢。 是。 醉了的人,话也特别多。 那我和你说,假若一天需要你来奔丧,穿红衣来。 嘁,别乱说! 听到没有! 看他不依不饶只好应下,估计也只有他敢在大喜之日说这种不吉利的话了。 谁知道却一语成谶。

黑夜·奔丧

破了黄祖,报了深仇,一年间江东之主越来越有样子了。 怎奈说了不跑,却又镇守庐陵,每每汇报政事,回信定是一堆抱怨。 转眼建安五年,一日入夜,久久不能眠,总觉得有些心神不宁。 起身推开窗,这夜黑的吓人,没有明月,更无星光。突然门外响起叫门声。 大人,出大事了,主公辞世了。 18


头一晕,眼前有些发花,定了定神,胡乱的穿起衣服,出房。早已备好马匹, 上马飞奔而去。 待到宫内,只见大乔身着丧服怀抱孩子站在一旁。 一时竟说不上话来。 他说,待公瑾回来一定不能让他再跑了,权弟需要他的辅佐,只可惜不能同 他一道观天下了。 切莫说了,公瑾都知道了,定会照做。 听他的吩咐,给大人备了红衣,还请换上。 接过红衣,直披在身上,步入房内。床榻上的人俊容已毁,看起来却很平和。 伯符,我穿的是你准备的红衣,他们都说好看,唯独你看不到不觉得遗憾吗, 睁开眼来看看。好,我知道你生我的气,说好了不再跑了,却连你最后一面都没 见到,但这次你放心,我再也不走了,我们的约定我会完成。 说了这些后,便觉得胸口堵得厉害,悲从心中来,却流不出一滴泪。 伯符,我终于明白当年你的话了。 大人! 只听惊呼,便没了知觉。

焚风·火烧赤壁

建安十三年,曹军的战船开到了赤壁前,远远望去气势磅礴。 诸葛亮确实厉害,三日内便得曹军十万支箭,若是伯符还在也一定会连声称 赞罢。 大都督,亮自去祭台借那东风,前方就看都督的了。 19


不必担心,待到东风起,定让曹贼有去无回。 虽这样说着,心中却忐忑,这样的时节,如何来得东风。 战事打响,也容不得再多疑虑,如若胜,天下便指日可待,如若败,便战死 沙场,到那黄泉路上与伯符谢罪罢。 东风如神助般刮来,欣喜若狂,这场战斗胜负已分,伯符,东吴的根基保住 了。 站在观战台,火矢如雨,飞向曹军战船,看那江上一条火龙将其吞没,哀嚎 声喊杀声震天响。 火光照亮了半边天,仿佛骄阳俯照。 伯符,距你离世已经十年光景,这赤壁的火光你可喜欢,待陪你观完这热闹 景色,便去诛杀了那诸葛亮。他虽一代奇才,不能为我东吴所用,便不可留。 暗自说着,带了笑容,已经很久没有笑了。

黄昏·红衣蓝颜

建安十五年,出兵取蜀。连日来身子沉重,脑子也不太清醒,暂驻巴陵。 许是日夜劳累,长途行军,这一夜多梦。 梦中回到了初遇伯符的雨天,雨天转晴,与他一同策马,畅游天地,无忧无 虑。 转而又梦到那个无月的黑夜,病榻上冰冷的身躯,突然那人醒来,笑呵呵的 说着话——公瑾,来生再见,你还着红衣,你我还是…… 顿时惊醒,虽然十几年过去,每每想起,痛感不减。 又过了三日,竟病况缠身,想起梦中伯符的话,也许是冥冥之中注定的,喊 20


了人将床铺移到窗子边。 自知时日无多,待安排好一切,差走他人,独自倚着窗棂,看向窗外。 斜阳晚照,一片金色洒在地上,煞是好看。从来都是追寻耀眼的骄阳,不曾 留意着余辉,原来黄昏也有别样的风情。 伯符,你我的约定怕是要等到来世了,不过此生能与你相识,能与你一同在 这乱世中走一遭,公瑾无憾了。我累了,想睡了,那这一次说定了,来生若能相 见,红衣蓝颜倚窗边。

尾声

一代名将周瑜在夕阳的余辉中闭上了眼睛,终其一生为东吴孙氏立下丰功伟 绩,享年 36 岁。 周瑜之于孙策,孙策之于周瑜,二人之间称其蓝颜,私以为并不为过,历史 便应由后人评说。

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斗蚊 小鸡仔

一蚊藏于帐内三日有余,昼伏夜出,狡猾之至,每到夜深人尽之时,嗡嗡耳边, 余音绕梁三日不绝,四肢皆受其累,无奈乎,棉被包之,惹之不起,然躲不起? 漫漫长 夜,扰我睡眠,虽不胜其烦,念吾慈悲心肠,留之后路,冀蚊自我醒悟, 饱后早日撤退,然此蚊固执,更甚者,光明正大飞之舞之,怒火中烧,痛下杀心。 终于今日 清晨,此蚊叮我脸,是可忍孰不可忍,环顾四周,见其肥硕身躯,赐 铁砂掌,顿时血溅白帐,心疼吾之鲜血,唉,终杀之。

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褪 褪色 色 Muy Blanca

深夜里,谁未眠,谁低声吟唱,谁喃喃自语 没有限制的灵魂栖息在谁的身旁。 而你,是否触摸得到? 看着你恬静安详的睡容,不忍打扰 只愿在你额头轻轻一吻,换得你眉间颦蹙。 屏幕前空灵的乐章演奏这碎离的心事 唱着永远不能表达的爱意 能够宽恕我的人是你,能够救赎我的人是你 不管我曾是如何淘气, 当我寻觅着回到了你的身边, 还是能看见你眼中淡隐的微笑。 多想, 你能接受我这颗卑微的心 藏身于你的影子里, 纵使 纵使在你的世界里, 我已变成渐渐褪色的回忆。

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膜拜朴赞郁之复仇三部曲 (推荐给有兴趣并具备相当承受能力的朋友哈) 酱油小空 直至昨日终于把朴赞郁的复仇三部曲全部看完,第一部“我要复仇”,第二部“老 男孩”,第三部“亲切的金子”。阴差阳错地倒着顺序看,却隐隐觉得第一部浓 浓的悲伤才应该是整个复仇曲的最终章。 第三部:亲切的金子

曾经有看过的心理素质有点欠的朋友评价金子为“变态”,但我要说她只是一个 有决心的人。从白老师以女儿的性命作要挟时,她就埋下了复仇的决心,不管是 24


代替白老师入狱时再现犯罪现场,在狱中用肥皂水毒死巫婆,还是出狱后遭暗算, 到最后放倒仇人,她从容冷静,精心布置了 13 年的计划从未动摇,这样的决心, 把复仇推向预料中的轨道,直至最后的宣泄。 这似乎是黑色幽默元素最多的一部,开头出狱时砸豆腐骂脏话,“you have no mother"变成"you have mother", ”以“我改信佛教了”拒绝牧师的纠缠,在 梦中崩了人头狗身的白老师,以及最后的集体复仇活动分发手套和塑料衣,我看 得挺愉悦。 另外,李英爱惨白乖巧的脸,血红色的眼影,以及低低细细的声调,让我深深地 觉得,还是 cult 电影出传奇啊。

第二部:老男孩

这一部应该是获誉最高的。想起当年在宿舍看完此片,随着雪地里一句“我爱你”, 吴大秀倒映在玻璃窗上的表情不明的脸让我深深震撼。因舌头被害死的深爱的姐 25


姐,因设计结合的父女,不断被挑战的道德底线和血腥味十足的仇恨让人喘不过 气来。 "笑,全世界赔你一起笑;哭,只有你一个人哭。" 世上最难过的事是什么?爱上不该爱的人,还是爱上以后轻易就放手?“当然是 后者。”老男孩在阴暗的角落看着我,不屑的说。 不管你接受与否,爱本没有错。 看完后,对一袭红裙,如鬼魅般忽隐忽现的美女催眠师肃然起敬,也更激发了朋 友学习这一门技术的决心。

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第一部:我要复仇

看之前朋友介绍说画面很血腥要做好心理准备,我拿出看“天生杀人狂”的觉悟 点了开始,但解剖时器械与血肉的碰撞声,喷射的大动脉,被挖了肾脏的尸体, 受电刑时凄厉的叫声,还有最后当过激派像贴广告一样把复仇信插入东劲心脏, 然后他在喃喃中死去的时候,肠胃还是闹腾了很久。果然这种过于现实的拍摄冲 击力还是不可小觑的。

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看前两部的时候伴随的复仇的快感,到了这里仿佛被压抑。很喜欢这一部的色调, 暗暗的绿色,普遍观念中代表着生机活力希望的绿色在此却成了绝望与悲伤的载 体。聋哑的弟弟,病重的姐姐,反革命的女友,黑心的器官贩子,丧女的父亲, 从被怂恿绑架女孩开始,结局注定是一个接一个地悲惨地死去,“我知道你是个 好人,但你知道我为什么要杀你么?”当最后父亲站在女儿死去的河水中面对一 头绿发的凶手,悲伤仿佛如被斩断的脚踝中流出的血一样弥漫了整条河,整个世 界。

最后膜拜下朴赞郁,以及崔植岷,宋康昊,申河均,都具有强大的演技。

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Tarot Reader——Chapter2 Muy Blanca 1 People came and went every day. And I was still waiting something new. My tarot seemed to gain a little reputation among those teenagers who were sensible of unnamed trend pertaining to divination, but few of them would be caught by the whim of being a querent involved in a certain question hard to escape, for fear that even though they came to the tarot for a direction, it would only make the state quo worse and practical method would never be attained. What could prove the authenticity of tarot ? Only future could say. A curiosity then drove one of those students to my bar one night. The brave spectacled boy, in a ruffled silky suit of the No.1 school uniform that looked as if the cheap cover of an second-class airplane seat, must have just finished his night classes and had no time to change his stupid uniform for a better dressing to intrude more elegantly into my holy temple. Oh, maybe a cheap divination is too alluring. “I’ve heard it before,” the boy spoke in a voice of a bit excitement, “that you helped a woman to find her happiness. She is my neighbours in the same apartment.” “Is she? What a surprise! She must have explained in great length of that.” “ Yeah, she did so. So I want to see how the tarot works. The thing it attracts me most is that I won’t pay any price, neither in material nor spiritual form. I can take it easy.” He said so easily. “Well, boy. I have to say that you’re wrong. Tarot costs spiritual price. It asks for your soul.” I was a bit unpleasant for his ostensible contempt. “Come~ Don’t take it seriously. I’m young. I know nothing of it.” Maybe his hypersensitive mind detected out the detesting solemnity suppressed in my tone. “Ok. I forgave you. So what do you want to know?’ “Actually, I am near the college entrance examination. But I’m confused of what I should do next.” “What do you mean by that?” “Ah… I have something else want to do, but I dare not.” “Something else?” I couldn’t believe a boy should have such an outrageous mind before his most important exam during his whole life. “Not the road my parents and teachers ask me to go. Instead, I want to be a movie director. But I never got a chance to be trained before.” “So..?” “So I want to know what if I choose to go to the art schools instead of following external ideas. What will it be?” “Boy, I think there is a spread adapting for you very 29


much.——Alternation Response Spread.” I explained then, “ it’s a spread intended for choices. When you are faced with two choices or more, hesitated to decide which one is better, the spread will show you what the situation would be like in the future of both sides. It offers you visible possibility, and help you to evaluate. But the final decision is still made by yourself.” “ It sounds cool!” His cynical face beamed. “ I guess this is what I want.” “Yes. Five cards will tell you what you should do.” “Shall we begin now?” “ As you wish.” I smiled. 2 The divination began. Before I washed tarot, I asked him , “There are two choices——A and B. Which of your choice will be put into Side A?” “Taking my parents advice.” “ So Side B is seen as ‘ following your own heart’, am I right ?” “Yes.” He answered, pursing his lips, somewhat a bit timid——this countenance wasn’t what he presented to me before. He then followed all the steps well, which seemed to have been learned from my first querent. He waited my washing silently, replied the deck and drew five cards from it as I instructed him.

4

5 2

3 1

Then these cards faced down in a tidy shape of “V”. “I gonna turn up all these cards one by one. Attention, please” I announced detachedly, and maybe, cruelly. The first card in the root of the spread was the reversed Temperance. In this card, a person, a red winged angel is pouring liquid from one receptacle into another, with one foot on water and one foot on land.

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The second card on the left was the Moon. This card is presented with two large, foreboding pillars on both margins, a wolf and a dog howling at the moon, a crayfish appearing in the water, and the moon of a frowned, displeasure-reflected expression shedding the moisture of fertilizing dew in great drops.

The third card on the right was the Death. It depicts a skeleton riding a horse. Surronding it are dead and dying people from all classes, including kings, bishops and commoners. The skeleton carries a black standard emblazoned with white flower. In the background the sun is rising.

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The fourth card on the top left was the Sun. In this card, an infant rides a white horse under the anthropomorphized sun, with sunclowers in the background. The child of life holds a red flag while a smiling sun shines down on him.

The fifth card, the last card on the top right, was the reversed Hanged Man. The figure in it is hanging upside-down by one foot, suspended from a living wooden beam (with leaved thereon) as gallows. But his expression is clam and entranced, without any sign of suffering.

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Seeing those cards, I was a bit stumbled. I didn’t know how to start. I was not saying that I didn’t know what the cards had told, but I was afraid that this kid, after my interpretation, would become worse. But the reality was here——no one could deny it. 3 “Boy, do you really want to know it?” I asked him for sure. “Yes. Please. Or I will die.” His tone was firm but his eyes were flickering. I sighed, pointed at the first card and said, “ This refers to your situation now, the reversed temperance. The right position means ‘control’. When it is reversed, it shows that you’re in a chaos that is aggravating your reckless mind, consequently you can’t hold back the emotion that will lower you down, or compromise in a dilemma…which may have already encroach into your life and affect you a lot. So the moderation is required in some aspects of your life. Otherwise you can’t go on to any of your choices. Boy, is that true?” He smiled wanly, burying his head deep “ You know, I’m in the life of divergence. It’s hard… Please tell what if I choose to follow the stupid convention?” “Well, it looks extreme gloomy at the beginning,” I fingered at the Moon, “ but it will develop well into the Sun, a very promising card.” “ More specific?” “ See, the Moon tells you that, if you take your parents’ suggestion, you’ll feel uncertain ,confused, and sometimes moody, occupied by fear and fantasy for what you have lost. It will impede you if you don’t see clearly the real situation. But things seems to turn good when you calm down. You will find people around you are really care about you. They will instruct you a lot 33


in the study and life. I guess following this, you will be admitted to a very good university.” “I always do well in exams, but I don’t like it. Only film, the transition between light and shadow, the contradict of human sin and benevolence, the reflection of personal right and the government regiment, make me one of the great missionaries from the real world remains to be noticed by the common people…So please tell me, what gonna be if I choose to do the thing I like.” He lifted up his head, looking into my eyes directly for more courage. What unblemished and shining eyes he owned, hidden beneath the reflecting glasses! How I wished they would never go dark even if the hope had gone! I hesitated, but still unveiled the bloody truth. “If… if you choose to go to the art school. The upcoming waiting for you is——‘death’.” 4 He was as if stricken by the electric shock, but not such a catastrophic shock that he could still sit on the chair. “I see that card. I should have known it’s not a good omen…” “Yes. you’re right. It’s.. not a good card. But the Death means the end. Maybe it tells you that if you decide to take your own way, you have to say good-bye to the past, to the hard work you have made on the irrelevant direction…the Chinese, the maths, the physics,the English.. All those you must give up for a field of unfamiliar professional knowledge .You must know, what you will face is a world you never see before.” “I know.” “It can never be easy. Have you seen this card?” I tapped the reversed Hanged Man, “What you will gain and what you have sacrificed is not equal. You will try hard, but the result is unacceptable, for you are liable to do worthless things that hard to get something in return…That’t what the card says.” “Even though it’s hopeless...I never think I will give up my dream!” He cried out. I must led him to the right way, or at last stopped his treacherous illusion against the parental expectation. So I pretended to be more compelling, “looks at the result, boy. See? A promising future and a seldom-gaining torment, which one will you choose? Boy, you are not a utilitarian, but you shouldn’t ignore the reality, the bloody reality. Everyone has to give up something after growing up, a hobby, a dream or even the beloved that is cherished most… people think they would die in the life without the thing that they are get used to, but finally they survive to find something new.” He was still struggling. “ Will the result change if I try?” His eyes were a bit tear-drenched, staring at me like a puppy begging for something. I felt guilty myself to throw a boy who still had dream into 34


despair. I felt a slumbering monster in my deep was about to revive and roar. I felt a penetrated but sewed heart start to leak blood of distress. I suddenly visualized an inculpable girl collapsed on the ground, stretching out her powerless hand, straining to catch the last light of a retreating figure. But it still missed in the dark, and the girl died. No! I couldn’t let the same thing happen! “If you try…You must lay aside your fear first, and then, you can make a decision. In this case, if you try then, try hard to the degree that you could never image before, go on your way to the length that you could never march before, believe yourselves to the last day that you could never live before, and you will get the thing you want. Can you?” “Of course I can. I can do anything to realise it! Once it is gone, I’m not myself anymore! What a life it would be if I abandon my heart! It’s a dark and hopeless world!” “ I hope you will, my boy.” I answered, calm and released. The near-waking monster then slept heavily again. And he grined widely, in the way I used to when I was at his age. It was very late when he went out. I stood out, and saw off his retreating back, whose stupid uniform turned out to be shining under the languid yellow street lights, but eventually vanished in the shadowy distance. . “If she could really die, how lucky is she.” I leaned against the spottedly-rotten wooden doorframe, murmured myself.

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我的宇宙情结 木笔

喜欢微信的开机图片:深黑的背景下,偌大星球斑驳闪耀,而小小的“我” 站立其前,似抬头瞻仰,似默声膜拜,却又仿佛透着一股尊严。星球很大,大至 满屏,“我”很小,小得只有一笔黑影。但星球再大,也越不过无边的深黑背景, “我” 再小,也存在着这样一个“我”。 从小爱做这样的幻梦:孤身一人,坐在茫茫宇宙中微小的一颗星球上,环 抱双膝,在无声的黑暗中远眺目之所及遥无尽头的尽头。周遭很静很静,只有远 远近近或疏或密的星球,它们和我一样,闪烁着一点光,缓缓浮于大而无边的宇 宙之中。在万籁俱静的无声与黑暗中,我的内心充满敬畏,有一些惶恐,但异常 沉静。 人类害怕黑暗,也忌惮无声的绝静。害怕黑暗,因为黑暗神秘无边,衬得 自己小得如同一粒尘埃,连存在都显得怯怯;忌惮绝静,因为绝静让人直面自我, 存在感中没有别人,只有一个“我”。 我对宇宙的想象,让我即看不见自己,又只看见自己。惶惑中带着点诱惑, 怎能不引得我一次又一次做这样的幻梦? 但幻梦如纱,终归朦胧,内心体验到的多为修饰后的感受。然而,今年夏 天的一次雨夜航班让我彻底感受了一回来自宇宙的强烈冲击和震撼。 因暴风雨延误几个小时的航班终于在午夜起飞。我靠着座椅,在昏暗的机 舱里合眼休息。也不知过了多久,我睁开眼,随意向窗外看去。只这一瞬、这一 眼,就让我猛地震住,心像哽咽一般堵在胸口,瑟瑟缩缩地震颤。适应了黑暗的 36


双眼将窗外的一切看得真切。我的眼下是一片推挤得绵绵密密厚重的深色,深色 一地铺开,那就是一个世界。那个世界里没有一个生命存在,只有沉重的、压抑 的深黑色,团团簇簇,簇簇团团。深黑、浓密、死寂。天是黑的,地也是黑的, 我佛看见了我自己,被抛弃在这一片黑色的绝望之中。 飞机不停往前飞,但窗外的世界丝毫未变,囊天括地全是沉重的绝境。我 一动不动地怔在那里,整个心神只回荡着一个声音:就是这样! 我的宇宙情结,是儿时幻梦中神秘的浪漫,轻轻浮在想象的天空,也是那 一片窗景,压抑得叫人惊恐。当然,还是那一夜的草原月夜,博大、温柔、包容。 经过午后盛怒般的暴风骤雨后,草原在夕阳温暖慈爱的暮色中渐渐平心静 气,一点一点接纳黑夜。白日里,草原的主角是惊叫着骑马、兴奋得喧笑的游客。 然而夜来了,我只看见他缓缓罩下的黑色衣袍,而白日的主角则淡成背景,微不 足道得如同他黑色衣袍里的几粒尘埃。我这粒小尘埃中的小尘埃,在草地湿气泛 起的寒意里抱紧自己,静静地看着沉郁的夜,望着天边离自己很近很近的月。 眼前是浓得化不开的夜,分不清哪里是天,哪里是草原。身后简陋的音箱 在放着震耳的音乐,几串霓虹彩灯在撑杆上忽闪忽灭,游客们围着篝火,在悠远 的马头琴声里欢歌起舞。 每隔不久,天边就会闪现一束亮光。我知道,那是和我所在之处相同的驿 站。那里有和我们一样欢腾的游客,也在围着篝火起舞,也在空中绽放烟花。我 想起导游的话,牧民们没有其他收入,一年的开支全靠这几个月旅游季的收入支 撑。 再抬头望月,没有霓虹干扰、没有高楼阻隔,她离我是那样近,像在温柔 地对我笑。她笑圆了脸,满脸是温和的灿灿金黄。明月邀约暗夜、星子,与草原 37


一道闲闲地聊着天,并不介怀我们的喧闹影响了他们的交谈,微笑着包容我们张 扬的笑声与烟花的震响划破了宁静的月夜。他们对我们并不言语,但他们一定知 道我们所有的欢愉,也能看见世间的一切无奈。 我退出喧闹的人群,努力仰头望天,奢望也能加入明月暗夜的对话之中。 我一步一步退离人群,一步一步向草原更深处走去。总觉得离喧嚣远一些,就能 离空灵的宇宙更近一点。但无论我如何靠近,也只是一个被忽略在一旁的孩童, 只能努力仰着头,满脸的羡慕和渴望。 此刻的宇宙离我是这样近,它紧紧环抱着我,却又离我那样远,无法触及。 我不禁要问:宇宙究竟在哪里?在儿时的幻梦里,在密封的机窗之外,还 是在笼罩着我的草原月夜里?我不能说“我心即宇宙”的狂语,只能说,我的心里 有一个宇宙。 我心存宇宙,故我看见了绝境,听到了明月与暗夜的对话,既觉得自己渺 小,又不能轻易地轻视自己。

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弟弟 酱油小空

一桌女人加上 8 岁的弟弟给小玉妹过生日。作为唯一的男生,弟弟从开始就是大 家倍加关注的对象。

“来,拍一张! 万绿丛中一点红。”没等珍大妈拿出相机,弟弟就从椅子上蹬着小 腿儿,屁股蹭着凳子够到地面上,往桌子底下钻,隔着桌面只听到弟弟很坚决的 声音:“我不要!“

“好啦好啦 我不拍啦,粗来了啦!” 珍从台湾嫁到大陆, 已经十几年了,除了喜欢 学北方人说“咋了”, “啥”,说话还是浓浓的台南风味。

珍虽然收了相机,可是其他女人们还是不依不饶,伺机偷拍。谁知道弟弟镜头敏 感度极高,每回都能化害羞为力量,溜到桌子下面。等大家慢慢进入三个女人一 台戏的聊天模式,弟弟已经吃饱喝足,跑到旁边玩汽车模型了。大家不知怎么地, 纷纷抖搂出了自己过去最能吃的时候。

“我长身体的时候印象最深的是有一次打篮球回来,吃了 8 个这么大个儿的肉包 子。” 琳一边说着,一边比划了个壮汉拳头一般大的包子。在座的大眼瞪小眼, 大概都觉得这个数目算是无法超越了,纷纷从别的领域突破。 “我最高的记录是一顿喝了 10 碗粥。” 39


“想当年回家,一顿吃了 27 个我妈包的饺子。”

不知不觉,锅里已经下了好多菜。刚才大家还很能吃的样子,这会儿已经力不从 心了。饭局到了尾声,一桌女人开始闪烁着贤妻良母的光辉,忙着收拾起来。小 鱼不一会儿就收了一摞碗和碟子端去厨房。阿姣拿了抹布,三下并做两下就擦净 了桌上的酱汁油汁老干妈。眼看桌子就要收拾利落,剩下了锅和电磁炉。小鱼拿 来了垃圾袋正要倒剩饭在里面,只听我一声叹息: “小鱼,你这就要倒了它么,大 家把它吃完吧!” 可是看一眼锅里,发现深不可测,远超大家的承受范围。正觉 得骑虎难下,突然发现弟弟不知道什么时候已经跑到桌子跟前,夹起了红肠就往 嘴里送,小小的手拿筷子,都快捉到了筷子尖,小嘴巴一口一口吃得不亦乐乎。 没过一会儿,锅里的牛肉红肠鱼丸子,萝卜青菜鹌鹑蛋,都被弟弟消灭了。

“原来弟弟才是真的能吃啊! ” “他是不愿意剩饭吧,这个要拍下来。” 珍的相机咔嚓几下,弟弟一言不发,也不 往桌子下头钻,只管带劲吃,不一会儿锅就见底了。后来珍发给我了那张照片, 弟弟站着在餐桌边上,右手挥舞着筷子,左手还捏着他的小汽车。

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阴道·吐槽 空空儿

鉴于这两期童鞋们写的都是比较淡雅人文的系列,我就来个略重口味的吧。

一日朋友说起一位奇葩的班长,不用卫生巾用卫生棉条,还满世界嚷嚷托人 从国外带,好。奇。葩。朋友说,那怎么用?怎么放进去?不会把膜戳破嘛?走 路不是会有感觉?朋友说她男朋友也认为班长奇葩,他说这姑娘是不是有点欠 X。。。。

我听了有点生气,不,是很生气。用卫生棉条怎么是欠 X,好吧是不是有人 不太明白,用卫生棉条怎么是欠-操-呢?还有关于“欠”这个字我听过欠打、欠揍、 欠收拾的,难道操也和打、揍、收拾这种暴力行为属于一类嘛?如果属于一类的 话,那女生找对象找男朋友就是为了找个人来打、揍、收拾自己嘛?如果属于一 类的话,怎么给孩子解释。孩子问,妈妈妈妈,我是怎么到世界上来的?你说, 妈妈被爸爸打、揍、收拾了一顿,就怀上了你。这合适吗?不会对下一代的两性、 婚恋概念造成毁灭性的影响嘛?

我还以为到了 21 世纪,女性终于获得了最起码的尊严和尊重。现在看来, 如果认为用卫生棉条就是欠操,那白瞎了,女人你还想有尊严想平等,做梦吧, 连身体都不是你的!

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女性的阴道除了生孩子、排除日常分泌物之外,还有一个重重重要“功能”, 那就是被男人“搞”。记住���“被搞”,而且是“被男人-搞”。这些话羞得说不出口嘛? 说出来淫荡嘛?说出来就是无下限的坏女人嘛?我想不通男人的逻辑,既然认为 “男人搞女人”是天经地义的,为什么又不许女人堂而皇之地在大庭广众说道这件 事,实在是强盗逻辑。不仅身体的所有权不是你的(你的阴道只容许你的男人暗 访),连“阴道”这个词汇的所有权也不是你的(交流很少提到,必要时候一般都 是意会而非言传)。

美国女权社会活动家 Eve Ensler 创作的脱口秀式剧目《阴道独白》,以不 同年龄、背景、境遇的女性身份讲述女性身体、性意识、阴道在社会种种大环境 中相似却不同的遭遇,涉及包括性、爱、强奸、月经、自慰、生产和性高潮等话 题。以下是维基百科介绍的部分剧目内容: • •

• •

I Was Twelve, My Mother Slapped Me: a chorus describing many young women's and girls' first menstrual period. My Angry Vagina, in which a woman humorously rants about injustices wrought against the vagina, such as tampons,douches, and the tools used by OB/GYNs. My Vagina Was My Village, a monologue compiled from the testimonies of Bosnian women subjected to rape camps. The Little Coochie Snorcher That Could, in which a woman recalls memories of traumatic sexual experiences in her childhood and a self-described "positive healing" sexual experience in her adolescent years with an older woman. This particular skit has sparked outrage, numerous controversies and criticisms due to its content, among which the most famous is the Robert Swope controversy (see below). In the original version, she is 13, but later versions would change her age to 16. It also originally included the line, "If it was rape, it was a good rape." which was removed from later versions.

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Reclaiming Cunt, a piece narrated by a woman who illustrates that the word "cunt" itself is a lovely word despite its disconcerting connotations. The Woman Who Loved to Make Vaginas Happy, in which a sex worker for women discusses the intriguing details of her career and her love of giving women pleasure. In several performances it often comes at the end of the play, literally climaxing with a vocal demonstration of a "triple orgasm". Because He Liked to Look At It, in which a woman describes how she had thought her vagina was ugly and had been embarrassed to even think about it, but changed her mind because of a sexual experience with a man named Bob who liked to spend hours looking at it. I Was There In The Room, a monologue in which Eve Ensler describes the birth of her granddaughter.

最后附上《阴道独白》第二章 My Angry Vagina 的文稿, 给自己气愤的吐槽 做以总结。

MY ANGRY VAGINA* (*This title is normally not read aloud) My vagina’s angry. It is. It’s pissed off. My vagina’s furious and it needs to talk. It needs to talk a bout all this shit. It needs to talk to you. I mean what’s the deal – an army of people out there thinking up ways to torture my poor-ass, gentle, loving vagina. Spending their days constructing psycho products, and nasty ideas to undermine my pussy. Vagina Motherfuckers. All this shit they’re constantly trying to shove up us, clean us up – stuff us up, make it go away. Well, my vagina’s not going away. It’s pissed off and it’s staying right here. Like tampons – what the hell is that? A wad of dry fucking cotton stuffed up there. Why can’t they find a way to subtly lubricate the tampon? As soon as my vagina sees it, it goes into shock. It says forget it. It closes up. You need to work with the vagina, introduce it to things, prepare the way. That’s what foreplay’s all about. You got to convince my vagina, seduce my vagina, engage my vagina’s trust. You can’t do that with a dry wad of fucking cotton. Stop shoving things up me. Stop shoving and stop cleaning it up. My vagina doesn’t need to be cleaned up. It smells good already. Don’t try to decorate. Don’t believe them when he tells you it smells like rose petals when it’s 43


supposed to smell like pussy. That’s what they’re doing, trying to clean it up, make it smell like bathroom spray or a garden. All those douche sprays, floral, berry, rain. I don’t want my pussy to smell like rain. All cleaned up like washing a fish after you cook it. I want to taste the fish. That’s why I ordered it. Then there’s those exams. Who thought them up? There’s got to be a better way to do those exams. Why the scary paper dress that scratches your tits and crunches when you lie down so you feel like a wad of paper someone threw away. Why the rubber gloves? Why the flashlight all up there like Nancy Drew working against gravity, why the Nazi* (optional) steel stirrups, the mean cold duck lips they shove inside you? What’s that? My vagina’s angry about those visits. It gets defended weeks in advance. It won’t go out of the house. Then you get there. Don’t you hate that? “Scoot down. Relax your vagina.” Why? So you can shove mean cold duck lips inside it. I don’t think so. Why can’t they find some nice delicious purple velvet and wrap it around me, lay me down on some feathery cotton spread, put on some nice friendly pink or blue gloves, and rest my feet in some fur covered stirrups? Warm up the duck lips. Work with my vagina. Vagina’s supposed to be loose and wide, not held together. That’s why girdles are so bad. We need to move and spread and talk and talk. Vaginas need comfort. Make something like that. Something to give them pleasure. No, of course they won’t do that. Hate to see a woman having pleasure, particularly sexual pleasure. I mean make a nice pair of soft cotton underwear with a French tickler built in. Women would be coming all day long, coming in the super market, coming on the subway, coming happy vaginas. They wouldn’t be able to stand it. Seeing all those energized, not taking shit, hot, happy vaginas. If my vagina could talk it would talk about itself like me, it would talk about other vaginas, it would do vagina impressions. It would wear Harry Winston diamonds, no clothing, just there all draped in diamonds. My vagina helped release a giant baby. It thought it would be doing more of that. It’s not. Now, it wants to travel, doesn’t want a lot of company. It wants to read and know things and get out more. It wants sex. It loves sex. It wants to go deeper. It’s hungry for depth. It wants kindness. It wants change. It wants silence and freedom and gentle kisses and warm liquids and deep touch. It wants chocolate. It wants to scream. It wants to stop being angry. It 44


wants to come. It wants to want. It wants. My vagina, my vagina. Wellâ&#x20AC;Ś It wants everything.

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