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encapsulate an e-book by Iris Karuna Š 2012


start I have a lot of memories from early childhood I’m not sure if that means something I don’t really have an exceptional memory otherwise I forget anything I don’t care deeply about but maybe it’s because I have a terrible sense of time my memories collapse no longer linear but instead interconnected as if u drew lines between all of the stars in the night sky over some deep green field that isn’t toronto because there are only ever a few stars visible in the sky over toronto … initiate on my first day of day care the biting kid bit me right on the joint of my jaw below my right ear some kind of initiation I guess since he went back to his biting cloth directly afterward they gave me a chocolate popsicle which was more than enough to console me seeing as I’d never even heard of one much less tasted it’s sickly-sweetness and distinct flavour of artificiality …


status I’ve been writing for u lately endless poems expressing every aspect of our complicated relationship status? it’s complicated but why not elaborate status? ‘we were fucking but then we stopped-started-stopped-but now we’ve started again but I keep fucking it up because I love u and I don’t want u to know because I’m sure that when I eventually have to tell u that you’ll just ignore me because u already told me u aren’t looking for love and u aren’t looking for my love and u aren’t looking for me’ huh. seems pretty damn straightforward when u lay it all out like that doesn’t it? status? unrequited. … wheels I want to experience the romance of the Century but it’s hard to imagine two Buicks fucking. I didn’t know there was a limit to my imagination but I can’t imagine any cars fucking. I wonder if cars masturbate in the womb. I want to move on but I don’t believe in love anymore. I want to move on but I’m afraid of other people. I want to move on but my love is of the unrequited variety. My love will be unrequited forever. I saw it in a premonition. I read it in an online horoscope. I want to have my palms read: maybe that will settle it. …


patterns u need to tell me when to stop I can’t stop until u tell me to stop I push and push until u tell me this is intrinsic to my personality u need to tell me when to stop the symbol for Aries is a ram I will push my horns in2 u I will bury my love deep in ur heart I will burrow until I move through u I will create a hole in ur centre I will climb inside ur chest I will build a nest in there ur body will accept me like a transplanted organ as an organ I’ll have no thoughts of my own I will stay as if I’d always been there I will help ur body live I will live in u I will die with u I can’t leave until ur through with me (I can’t know if ur uncomfortable u need to tell me when to stop) …


crush when I was 5, I had a crush on Paul Cameron he was in my class at school he was my family doctor’s son he wrote ‘fuck’ on the blackboard and got in a lot of trouble I tried to tell my mom I liked someone but she teased me about it incessantly and I stopped talking about love for almost the entire rest of my life when I was 9, I had a crush on John Malcolm he was in my class at school his locker was next to mine he would cry when the fire alarm went off he would tell me about his pokemon cards he once said ‘I’m a Taurus’ and then charged at me fingers curled into tiny horns and it scared me but I also liked it when I was 17, I had a crush on Wes Taylor he was in my class at school his father was a minister we skipped out together and went to pizza pizza or wandered the ravine near school we used to flirt a lot and I finally told him I liked him but he had another girl in mind I was just a practice run for a while in university he used to write me letters detailing the minutia of his daily life I never really figured out what he wanted to get from that …


fear Yesterday when you hugged me goodbye I wanted to kiss your neck right below your ear where your jaw hinges but it seemed inappropriate so I pressed my cheek into you as if I was never going to move held on ‘til you righted me propping me up by my waist sending me off into the vast and unknowable future and reminding me again that I can find my way without you just as you can always find yours … between the lines I just realized I kept saying ‘let’s fuck’ when in reality I meant ‘please love me’ why didn’t u call me on my bullshit? I think u knew I just scrolled thru okcupid yes no yes no no no no why didn’t u call me on my bullshit? I think u knew (I’m sorry) (I’m sorry I don’t know my own mind) …


encapsulate I wish there was some way to perfectly package these feelings a shoebox wrapped in brown paper and string and buried deep under the grass to be unearthed later when the cultural contexts have changed I said I wanted to be ur friend forever and I haven’t changed my mind I just need some space a trip to mars and back just me and Rover to straighten out my feelings u r so good to me paying attention when I’m being respectful minding ur own needs when I’m not I want to be ur friend not someone who uses u for sex and for kindness because she can’t find it elsewhere u are so good for me I want to be good for u too not just a tiny burr velcro-ing itself to ur shirtsleeves teaching u about hooks and loops but still prickly, and unwanted

encapsulate  

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