RANDY PLOESSER LOUIE BARLETTA • JOEY PEPPER
RANDY PLOESSER • DEREK FUKUHARA • JOHN LUPFER • ROBERT LIM www.ezekielusa.com
GET ION MAGAZINE ANYWHERE ION MOBILE
Volume 7 Number 4 Issue 57 10 16 18 47 48
Editor’s Letter Screw you guys, I quit. ION the Street Kick it. Of The Month TV shows about vampires, videos games where you have a bionic arm, a deceased cat and a book about the most awesome person on the planet. Horoscopes Fraser MacLean makes music with a keyboard from Value Village and writes horoscopes on a typewriter from Hell. Cartoons
CULTURE 20 22
Cody Cochrane Guess whose daughter she is? Show and Tell Gallery Now the cops know where to find the people responsible for all the vandalism in Toronto.
The Mountains Are Calling Toby Marie Bannister hits the road with Black Mountain.
FASHION 30 32
The Song of The Shirt Cuz getting a bitchin’ shirt is a lot less painful than tattoos. Perfect Day This issue’s fashion editorial. Shot by Justin Borberly, styled Claire Edmondson, and featuring Max from Slim Twig and Anna from Foxfire.
MUSIC 40 42 44 46
Dinosaur Jr A joke about all these guys being dinosaurs now is just too obvious. Lady Sovereign Our intrepid high school writer Stefana interviewed Lady Sov from her high school librarian’s office. Adorable! Album Reviews Poster Art: Gregg Gordon The extra g is for gawdhemakesgreatrockposters. That’s a word. Don’t bother looking it up.
I 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9
This year ION is introducing a fun new mobile component that will help enhance your experience with the magazine. Keep your eyes peeled for the ION Mobile Flag on pages where there is further mobile content available. For music-related mobile content, simply text IONMUSIC to 82442. You’ll immediately receive a text with a link to a mobile website. If your phone is compatible with iTunes, you’ll be able to preview and purchase all the music featured in the current issue of ION. In future issues, we’ll start recommending a few choice tracks you should consider purchasing. For fashion related mobile content, text IONFASHION to 82442. You’ll be directed to a website that lists where you can purchase all the clothing featured in the current issue. To make it easy for you, there will be Google Map links for all the stores. This is still all really new for us so expect a lot of exciting new mobile features to be added in the future. And apologies in advance, we don’t plan on accommodating people who still only own a pager.
We thought this whole internet thing was a quick passing fad. Turns out we were wrong. So we went and made ourselves a pretty new website.As awesome as a physical magaze is, there are certain constraints to it. On the new ION website, not only is all the magazine’s content on there, you’ll also find lots of web exclusive content and contests. Be sure to check out www.ionmagazine.ca
* Standard text messaging charges apply
Vanessa Leigh email@example.com
Editor in Chief Creative Director Art Director Music Editor Fashion Editor Designer Copy Editor Editorial Intern Design Interns
Michael Mann firstname.lastname@example.org Danny Fazio email@example.com Tyler Quarles firstname.lastname@example.org Trevor Risk email@example.com Toyo Tsuchiya firstname.lastname@example.org Leslie Ma email@example.com Steven Evans Joni McKervey Katie Edmunds, Sara Prestley
Office Manager Office Intern Advertising
Natasha Neale firstname.lastname@example.org Chloe Shubert-Harbison Jenny Goodman email@example.com
Writers Troy Sebastien Alden, Bismarck Willhelm Von Brecht, Tyler Fedchuk, Hayz Fisher, Stefana Fratila, Zia Hirji, Shallom Johnson, Sharon Ko, Samantha Langdorf, Fraser Maclean, Joni McKervey, Jules Moore, Natalie Vermeer Photographers and Artists Toby Marie Bannister, Justin Borbely, Taylor Borris, Claire Edmondson, David Ellingsen, Jon Hennessey, Geoffrey Knott, Kris Krüg, Tim McCready, David Macgillivray, Krista Seller, Sonia Leal-Serafim, Natalina Percival, Sabrina Rinaldi, Meghan Rennie, Linda Zhuo
ABOUT OUR COVER PERSONALITY a-TRAK
Alain Macklovitch, aka A-TRAK, bridges the gap between this and that. He is a bridger of gaps. Turntable battlefield champion, Singaporean super-club sweatmaster, Dirty South Dance Party architect, Kanye’s tour DJ, record label executive; no sweat. A-TRAK has been blowing minds and ringing heads for well over a decade, since he became the youngest and first Canadian to win the DMC World DJ Championship in 1997. In recent years his Fool’s Gold label has represented some of the best in dance, featuring releases from the likes of Kid Sister, Kavinsky, and Jokers of the Scene. Mr. A has been known throughout his career for his ability to wow crate heads and shake rumps alike, and his latest mix, Infinity +1delivers on all fronts. Plus, he might just be the only white Canadian DJ to decline a tour gig with Jay-Z. Come to think of it, he might be the only white Canadian DJ to get asked in the first place. Fool’s gold? Nah, this guy is the real thing.
ION is printed 10 times a year by the ION Publishing Group. No parts of ION Magazine may be reproduced in any form by any means without prior written consent from the publisher. ION welcomes submissions but accepts no responsibility for the return of unsolicited materials. All content © Copyright ION Magazine 2009 Hey PR people, publicists, brand managers and label friends, send us stuff. High-resolution jpegs are nifty and all, but they’re no substitute for the real thing. Clothing, liquor, PS3s, CDs, vinyl, DVDs, video games, and an iPhone can be sent to the address below. New Address #303, 505 Hamilton Street. Vancouver, BC, Canada. V6B 2R1 Office 604.696.9466 Fax: 604.696.9411 firstname.lastname@example.org
A-Trak’s newest mix CD Infinity+1 is out now on Thrive Records Cover Credits Photography: Geoffrey Knott, Styling: Claire Edmondson, Hair and Makeup: Taylor Borris Clothing credits: Shirt - Nom de Guerre, Jeans - APC, Jacket - Acne
CONTRIBUTORS PHOTOGRAPHER [GEOFFREY KNOTT]
WRITER [JULES MOORE]
ILLUSTRATOR [NATALINA PERCIVAL]
MODEL [SLIM TWIG]
Geoffrey Knott shot the covers for our last two issues. He is an artist and photographer from Toronto who got into more commercial work after graduating from the OCAD a little while back. More recently he’s been developing his nascent agency, The Business In The Front, shooting for an upcoming book of personal work, and exhibiting here and there. Pictured here aboard a Jeanneau Sun Odyssey 49, Geoffrey often immerses himself in sailing, cycling and competitive tennis as reprieve from his long workdays, his trainwreck of a personal life and his residency in a building “not technically” zoned for residential use situated directly across from the most active fire station in the city. [www.geoffreyknott.com]
Jules Moore interviewed Lou Barlow in this issue. She’s a recurring album reviewer for Ion, where she places the bulk, if not all, of her hate mail to Lady Gaga. In addition to being a regular freelancer, Jules is an Associate Editor at Hobo magazine and the owner/operator of a 24-hour cereal bar laundromat (opening of locations outside Jules’ melon TBA). She also works at OB1 Enterprises, so whiskey and sandwiches if you’re ever in the Railtown neighbourood of Vancouver. Jules is hard to locate on land, but can always be found on SPIN Earth, where she posts video nuggets dug up from Vancouver’s bounteous music scene. If you get references to McNally Robinson, Portage and Main, and Bar Italia, you might be from Jules’ hometown. And, psst-Jules likes Bob Dylan. Pass it on.
Natalina Percival did the illustration for Dinosaur Jr. She’s a communication designer and illustrator from Vancouver. She is available—and excited—to take on more freelance projects. Natalina currently volunteers for the Vancouver International Centre for Contemporary Asian Art and Beauty Night Society. You will find her this summer lurking at the beach, hiking up mountains and exploring new ways to save money for her upcoming six-month romp through Asia and India. [email@example.com]
Slim Twig was a model in our fashion editorial this issue. He’s a primitive songsculptor and reclusive cave dweller. Perpetually obsessed with capturing gasps from drum machines, or wheezes from his Sixties farfisa, he has been cultivating a personal top 40 for a half-decade. Armed with little else but a sampler and a silver sheath, he has fashioned a Wu-Tang worshipping, Elvis impressing, howler of an LP on Contempt!, his latest collection. Fond of burning barns, raising roofs and generally tearing houses down (not always literally), you may catch him preaching junk gospel live in a town near you. Other stuff this demon-exorcizer digs: pointy shoes, Camus, Camembert, chuckin’ rocks, David Lynch, the Neptunes and makin’ yer mama shuffle. [www.slimtwig.com]
“Common Ground, Boston Ma” by Meghan Rennie
Michael Mann I’ve got some pretty serious news I need to relay. Consider yourself lucky that you get to read it here first before the major news networks inevitably run with it. This is going to be my last issue with ION and I’m leaving to pursue my true passion: DJing. There are heaps of people with no qualifications doing this for crazy cash so I figure I might as well join them. Who knows, I may be able to use DJing as a way to launch a clothing line and finally get this rock opera I wrote produced (if you’re wondering, it’s about a group of singing bohemian dogs who have the clap). I may have to move to LA if I want that to happen though. This is not to say I don’t respect DJs or think
what they do is easy. Hell, the best one in the city is our music editor and most of the runners up have written for this magazine at some point. Being good takes talent. I’ve seen DJs magically fill an empty dancefloor with one song. A rather impressive feat to behold (I’ve also witnessed DJs empty a dancefloor with one song, too). There’s also something to be said for being able to play music that other people, not just you, enjoy after 10-15 shots of Jack Daniels. My taste in music would be universally regarded as awful when I hit that point. Seriously, I just want to play “Poker Face” by Lady Gaga when I can’t see straight. DJs also stay on top of new music, which is a serious pain in the ass. I am so thankful there
are people at the magazine, who aren’t me, to do this. You should be thankful to as they’re more qualified for the job. I tried to keep on top of it all for a year once and it nearly killed me. I ended up hating music by the end of it. Ever since, I’ve been lobbying to get music banned from the magazine entirely but the rest of the ION team keep throwing the “uhh, people kind of like reading about music more than they like reading your angry tirades” argument back in my face. Mutinous jerks. Hopefully this doesn’t come across as smug, but I think success as a DJ will come pretty quickly for me. I’ll make sure I have a well-oiled, media-savvy, hype machine behind me so I don’t really need any talent. Who knows, if things pick
up I may tour from town to town. Maybe when I finish my set I’ll go to an after party in a stuffy office and edit a magazine in front of people. Full disclosure: 90% of this live magazine editing performance will be me replying to emails while I drink coffee with no pants on. I’ll want to be taken seriously, though, so I may even do what the world’s most successful living artists like Banksy, Jeff Koons, Damien Hirst and Takashi Murakami do... pay other people to do my art for me as I supervise. If it tastes good, it doesn’t matter how it’s made. I may have to get better looking though. Does anyone know a good plastic surgeon who can make me look more like Jared Leto?
[BLANK] Up for grabs is a pair of jeans courtesy of [Blank], which will save the day when you’re standing at your closet in your ginch. Coming from the team that brought us ODYN Denim, [Blank] offer multiple styles ranging from bold to acid wash colours, studded pockets to zip up legs and the ever so popular skinny to the trendy high-waisted flare. Don’t fret about what to match with your top because you won’t feel so blank on the bottom. [www.blanknyc.com] To enter text IONTHEPRIZE to 82442 or visit www.ionmagazine.ca
ION MOBILE TEXT “IONTHEPRIZE” TO 82442 [IT’S FREE]
Photographer: David Macgillivray Stylist: Toyo Tsuchiya Styling assistant: Linda Zhuo Model: Karie @ Carrie Wheeler Management
ION THE PRIZE
w w w . f o xD E L U x E . c A
ION THE PRIZE SPARROW GUITARS Get ready to become a Guitar Hero with this axe courtesy of Sparrow Guitars. Established in Vancouver in 2004, Sparrow strives to make high-quality guitars affordable for kids high on rock ‘n’ roll spirit but low on g-notes. They feature custom hand-painted finishes in anything from decorative flourishes and flames to roaring cougar heads and cobwebs, and classic Fifties-era designs that will have you greasing up your pompadour and stray cat prowling all over town. Don’t delay, join the ever growing cadre of rock legends-to-be who wield Sparrows on stage and in their mom’s basement today.
To enter text IONTHEPRIZE to 82442 or visit www.ionmagazine.ca
ION MOBILE TEXT “IONTHEPRIZE” TO 82442 [IT’S FREE]
Photographer: David Macgillivray Stylist: Toyo Tsuchiya Hair & Makeup Jon Hennessey for TRESemmé Hair Care/NOBASURA Styling assistant: Linda Zhuo Model: Sam from Crooks and Gunn
Sneakers are definitely invading our closets more so than we expected. Here are few that have caught our eye and not to worry it’s cool to wear velcro now!  Keep Company - The Elias  Alife - Afghan Everybody  Macbeth - Wallister  KangaROOS - Magnolia  Alexander McQueen for Puma
ION 16 ION MOBILE
TEXT “IONFASHION” TO 82442 [IT’S FREE]
Photography: Tyler Quarles. Stylist: Toyo Tsuchiya. Models: Stephi and Wayne
ION THE STREET
watch them form. watch them unravel.
OF THE MONTH Twitter [Game] Bionic Commando Tough Economic Times [DVD] Skins Season 2 
 Twitter We are going to keep hammering this home in the magazine until we have more friends than this bloody hot dog stand in Vancouver called Japadog. Okay, in defense of the hot dog stand, they make a mean dog, but c’mon, what they can possibly have to let you know about? Our Twitter account let’s you know about timely ION articles, upcoming ION events and hella great contests. At press time we have 503 followers, a freaking hotdog stand has 1235. We’re not looking for Ashton Kutcher-type numbers, just more than the hot dog stand. [www.twitter.com/ionmagazine]  Game-Bionic Commando Bionic Commando was one of the greatest Nintendo Entertainment Systems games ever made for two reasons. One: you had a bionic arm that you could use to swing off things like Tarzan. Two: at the end of the game you got to fire a bazooka at Hitler and make his face explode. That’s pretty tough to top so it’s no wonder it’s taken over 20 years for a new one. In this one, terrorists have built an earthquake machine and leveled Ascension City. The only way to save the day is to send the Bionic Commando in behind the lines. No 8-bit graphics this time. Instead you’re thrust into a massive 3D environment of buildings and canyons that you must traverse by swinging and scaling. Unfortunately, it’s unlikely that you will get to kill Hitler again. Bin Laden perhaps?  Tough Economic Times Your work just went out of business and you’re now unemployed. It’s time to start exploiting loopholes in other businesses and drag them down into the abyss with you. We’re going to let you in on the secret
that cafes don’t want you to know! As it gets warmer nothing hits the spot better than an iced latte. But did you know you can purchase an iced americano for substantially less? Order one of these without water. After purchasing, smugly trot on over to the sugar stand and fill that bad boy up with free milk. What you hold in your hands is called a ghetto latte and you just saved yourself a dollar. You’re welcome!  DVD—Skins Season 2 Bristol, the sleepy British port town that gave us Trip Hop and Banksy, is where this fun and edgy teen drama takes place. Season One ended in a complete clusterfuck, which included one of the kids suffering brain damage after being hit by a bus. This season sees the cast deal with stalkers, homosexuality, death, dysfunction, drugs, drama, booze, oh, and just a little bit of sex. One thing is certain, the kids in Skins have a lot more sex than we ever did in high school. Aside from Dev Patel (Slumdog Millionaire) being a cast member, this season also features appearances by Crystal Castles and Born Ruffians... which is possibly cooler than when Cibo Matto appeared on Buffy The Vampire Slayer.  DVD—True Blood Season 1 What the hell is up with vampires these days? They’re everywhere. Ironically, that is also the premise of True Blood, an HBO show from Alan Ball (the guy who created Six Feet Under and wrote American Beauty). The show is set in the fictional town of Bon Temps, Louisiana which is situated in a fictional world where vampires are real and trying to become productive members of society. Instead of knocking out humans, they’re now knocking back a synthetic human blood beverage, called True Blood,
OF THE MONTH [DVD] True Blood Season 1 [Pet] Salem [Book] Jeff Koons [Book] Supply and Demand 
developed by the Japanese and available at better convenience stores and bars. However, Joe Sixpack is still skeptical that vamps have stopped their murdering ways. This doesn’t stop Sookie (Anna Paquin), a smalltown waitress who can read people’s thoughts, from being the first girl in her town to have an open relationship with a vampire named Bill. It’s hilarious, smart, well-made and actually tackles some serious issues like racism and homophobia. Basically it is everything that Twilight is not.  Pet—Salem We are suckers for sad cat news. In Salem’s owner Janice’s own words, “Just minutes after I sent you the pic of Salem, I received a call that he had been hit by a car and was dead. The girl who called was super nice to have stood by him until I had arrived. I finally got around to sending you the pic... and well, he is now on my balcony stiff as a board. I cried all day... he was a funny cat. Always making me laugh. Of my five cats, Salem was my favourite.” Everyone at the magazine is sorry for your loss. Salem, you will be missed! To have your pet featured in the magazine, send pictures to firstname.lastname@example.org  Book—Jeff Koons: The Post-Pop Superstar We’ll just come right out and say it: Jeff Koons is one of the most awesome people on the planet. It’s often said that the best thing about his large-scale reproductions of everyday objects is that they actually exist. This much is true. Rather than merely blowing up a big balloon of a dog, sticking it in a gallery and calling it a day, he’ll spend years overseeing the production of a massive steel dog that has been intricately painted to look like it is a balloon. Or how about the time he released a series of sculptures of himself having explicit sex with his wife? The most awesome part is he doesn’t physically
make his art—he has a whole factory filled with art-school grads doing it for him. He’s more of a brand managing publicity magnet than an artisan. That’s how the art world works in the 21st century. This book from Taschen has put together the most complete collection of Jeff Koons’ work ever assembled. Nearly 600 pages that has the balloon dogs, the Nike ads, the Incredible Hulks and yeah, those sculptures of him having anal sex with his (now) ex-wife. Keep your eyes peeled for his upcoming sculpture for The Tate Modern in Britain: a full scale locomotive that will be dangling from a crane.  Book - Supply and Demand 20th Anniversary Edition Has any artist in the history of time had a bigger year than Shepard Fairey did in 2008? We think not! Seriously, this guy was everywhere. How he plans on ever topping his Barack Obama Hope poster is beyond us. With all that went on for him in 2008, it only seems fitting that the reissue of his book Supply and Demand includes all of his exploits from 2008 (and it comes with a free print!). It also commemorates Shepard Fairey’s 20-year career as a vandal and his first ever museum show at The Institute of Contemporary Art in Boston. Fittingly, Shepard was arrested on the way to the opening.
CULTURE Cody Cochrane
diablo cody Words: Samantha Langdorf
Cody Cochrane finds inspiration where many only see the mundane. For example, she has collected enough Catholic art over the years to fill her apartment. She likes the garishness of it, an element that she transfers to her paintings. Her work reflects a diverse array of influences, ranging from mythology and religion to sword fights and Super Mario. These elements combine to create powerful, layered pieces that are enhanced by bright colours and intricate details. Cody approaches all of her work with a sense of humour and a desire to entertain her viewers, a fact that is evident in the playfulness of her paintings. “I’ve always admired artists that I can look at their work and be blown away by the technical aspect, but also find a lot of humour in it,” she says. “I think it’s best if people can, if nothing else, get a kick out of what you’re doing.” Cody grew up in Toronto where she developed a love of art at an early age. She studied printmaking for three years at the Ontario College of Art & Design before deciding that art school wasn’t really her scene. She left Canada in search of an entirely different scene and ended up in Glasgow as one half of the design duo Whitehaus. “We had a guerilla-
style poster company that we set up out of our flat,” Cody explains. She spent two and a half years using her printmaking skills to design posters for bands like Mogwai, Low and Arab Strap. After returning to Canada she became interested in developing a method of painting that reflected her love of printmaking and silk screening. She started working with gouache, which is a highly pigmented watercolour that can be incredibly finicky. “I love it,” she says. “The colours are really vibrant and you can do beautiful layering effects that resemble the aesthetic to printmaking.” Cody’s style of painting shares similarities with artists such as Richard Colman and Maya Hayuk. Some of these similarities were recently called into question by Californiabased art blogger, Eric Trine. In April, Eric posted an article that accused Cody’s work of being too similar to Colman. Within a matter of weeks, Trine received close to 1000 hits on the topic with online critics everywhere chiming in to voice their opinions. Cody herself even commented on the article. The discussion that followed Eric’s post evolved into a debate that was about far more than just Cody’s work. Many of the comments addressed the issue of
ownership in art, with the ultimate question being: can anyone really own an idea? Cody was surprised by how many people responded to the article but she was more than happy to address the debate. “I think that the dialogue between artists and the viewing public should be open. People should be able to voice their opinions and not feel like it’s some sort of exclusive club,” she says. The issue of originality within art is a topic of constant scrutiny, which even established artists, such as Shepard Fairey, are incapable of avoiding. Cody acknowledges that this is part of the growing process for an artist and in order to maintain a dialogue between artists and viewers she’s willing to take a few knocks along the way. With the growth of an online art community there is also an increasing number of online art critics, many of whom are anonymous. “I think that the problem with the cyber critics is that they’re faceless. They don’t have to be held accountable so they can just say, ‘You suck’ and not back it up with anything,” she says. “A lot of the time it’s just people being angry and you don’t know if it’s because they had a shitty day or if it’s because you’re shit.” For the most part, Cody tries to avoid all
of the negativity that can arise amongst the online critics. The light-hearted approach that she takes to her work also infuses the other avenues of her life. “I think that taking yourself too seriously is one of the worst things for your mind, body and spirit,” she says. “And if you can’t laugh at yourself you’re kind of doomed.” For the time being, Cody has a few projects on the go including a solo show at the 107 Shaw Gallery in Toronto. The show, titled Our Forgotten Ancestors, will open in August and feature an array of new work. The show’s opening will coincide with a mural painting jam in the alley outside of the gallery. Cody will be organizing and designing the mural, which she will then paint with the help of a few friends. In addition to painting a number of new pieces for the show, Cody is also planning on creating an installation piece. “This is the first time I’m really going to utilize the space, so I’m pretty excited about the prospect of decking out that space.” [www.codycochrane.com]
Show & Tell Gallery
freaks from the streets Words: Shallom Johnson
Show & Tell Gallery has had a huge impact on Toronto’s contemporary art scene in the short time since it opened its doors. What began as an online venture quickly grew in supply and demand after its November 2008 involvement in the City Renewal Project, an installation work by street artists fauxreel and Specter. One in a handful of galleries in Toronto focusing on edgy contemporary art, Show & Tell is “striving to do something different.” With an exhibition space, project area and in-house framing and retail services, they are well equipped to promote often disregarded Canadian and international artists, while encouraging a whole new generation of art collectors and appreciators—those coming of age with the rise of the lowbrow pop-surrealism and street artwork.
Photography: Tim McCready
Twenty-six year old owner Simon Cole grew up surrounded by the graffiti scene – a writer turned art collector who has along the way developed a very talented network of artists to draw from. His friend Vladimir Kato’s solo show Don’t Fight the Feeling just opened on April 17 to a huge response, landing the artist and his work on the pages of Juxtapoz—a magazine that reads like a who’s who in the young contemporary art scene. With an array of affordable original paintings as well as a screen print edition (each signed, numbered, and hand-touched by Vlad himself and priced at just $50), Show & Tell Gallery is constantly working to make contemporary art available, affordable and appealing to a crowd of younger and older art buyers alike. The concept isn’t necessarily new, but in this
case it’s proving very effective—Show & Tell is booked solid for the next two years of exhibits, has been written up in every national newspaper in Canada and is drawing attention from emerging and established artists around the globe. Summer standouts include a group show with Steve Powers aka ESPO, Greg Lamarche and Greg Gossel. Then in November the gallery welcomes international stencil legends C215 and Logan Hicks, both of whom will be in attendance on opening night. Adding to the excitement for collectors and street artists around the globe, it will mark the artists’ first show together and will feature their collaborative works. 2010 is also shaping up to be a big year, as Simon has scheduled a solo show by Australia’s Anthony Lister, whose work has been featured in numerous print and online
publications and is generating a buzz worldwide. When asked which artists he’s got on his radar, Simon lists a variety of names that are already well known along with a good mix of artists who aren’t household names yet, but have the talent and drive to get there fast. From established artists like Powers and Lister to emerging artists such as Ryan Dineen and Brian Donnelly, audiences in Toronto and those watching from around the world have a lot to look forward to from Show & Tell. This gallery promises, like the emerging artists it supports, to be going big places—sooner rather than later. [www.showandtellgallery.com]
GREG LAMARCHE KNOW HOPE GREG GOSSEL
MUSIC On The Road With Black Mountain
THE MOUNTAINS ARE CALLING Photography: Toby Marie Bannister
FASHION Finale Designs FINN cultured+cured and Lloyd Hoffman
THE SONG OF THE SHIRT Words: Sharon Ko
Photography: David Ellingsen @Theyrep.com
Who wears white t-shirts anymore? It’s all about the message you send to the world and if you’re gonna say it out loud you might as well scream it from your chest. So many to choose from; so many designs to wear. How can you possibly choose from amongst them all? You can never have enough, and luckily brands such as Finale Designs, FINN cultured+cured and Lloyd Hoffman have helped to expand our closets that much further. After all, what’s another t-shirt? Vancouver based Finale Designs was established by two Vancouverites in their very own basement. Designers Vincent Chan and Matthew Miyagawa were both involved in the local street scene and wanted to add something to the fashion industry. The result was a collection of graphic tees that are humourous, tongue-in-cheek, rugged and sexual, set against an array of distinct colours and shapes. Some of the designs include references to hip hop culture, throwbacks to the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air and even a shirt with 30 R&B female artists noting “Dreams of Fucking an R&B Bitch.” Brilliant. Co-founder Matt states, “Our inspiration comes from everything that surrounds us. Pop culture, girls, comics, cartoons, music, film and our friends around us.” Ironically Matt’s favourite t-shirt is a plain white v-neck. Go figure. Meanwhile, FINN cultured+cured is keeping us in the Eighties with their Spring/Summer 09 collection of slim fitting tees and eclectic combinations of neon blue, pinks and yellows. This Montreal-based company prides itself as a lifestyle brand for today’s media- and design-obsessed youth. Designer Vicky Kelechian and Tony Iannone note “We like to create pieces that
Styling: Toyo Tsuchiya
blur subcultures yet still remain true to the original inspiration. We’re giving you an idea; it’s up to the wearer to take it and make it their own and create their own unique look…and why not even another subculture? Inspiration is infectious. We feed off each other.” Each piece in FINN’s men’s collection is unique in its design and each graphic is organically splattered on the front and back. Each is a statement on its own. The women’s collection finds sophistication yet playfulness in the new and original shapes it explores including references to old school shoulder pads and original graphic tees. The epitome of street wear. Hell, the epitome of Montreal and straight up coolness. And then we’ve got Lloyd Hoffman: “a vibrant and graphic collection of shirts featuring images of all the people and places that shaped his life.” Johnny Cash, Bob Dylan, Janice Joplin, Roy Orbison, Lou Reed and Miles Davis are just some of the faces you’ll find on the shirts of the designer. As a child raised in New York, he worked alongside his father, and quickly became immersed in the world od music, art and fashion. Now Lloyd has created a vast collection of all the places and people he has seen and encountered. Designs are vintageinspired throwbacks to the late artists that inspired him. Lloyd Hoffman has hundreds of tees to choose from and he has not made it easy to pick just one. [www.finaledesign.com] [www.finnbrand.com] [www.lloydhoffman.net]
Hair & Makeup: Sonia Leal-Serafim for TRESemmé Hair Care/ Theyrep.com Models: Tuesday @ Lizbell, Matthew G and Cameron @ Richard’s
PHOTOGRAPHY BY JUSTIN BORBERLY STYLING BY CLAIRE EDMONDSON Hair + Make-up: Sabrina Rinaldi using TRESemme, Judy Inc Artist Models: [Singer] Slim Twig and Anna [from the band ‘Foxfire’]
Above: Shirt - Rodebjer, Jeans - 1921, Shoes - 69 Vintage Right: Anna Mesh Shirt - Rodebjer Boots - Doctor Martens. Slim Jeans - Cheap Monday, Shirt - Stylist’s Own
Slim Jacket - Fifth Avenue Shoe Repair Jeans - April 77 Boots - Doctor Marten Anna Shirt - Pink Cobra, Shorts - H&M Shoes - 69 Vintage
Below: T-Shirt - Stylist’s own, Jean Shorts - 69 Vintage Right: Slim Jacket - Evan Bidell, Jeans Cheap Monday Anna Jacket Stylist’s own
MUSIC Dinosaur Jr
JUNIOR, THE LAST DINOSAUR Words: Jules Moore
One way to understand the story of Dinosaur Jr. is to consider the way of the mighty albatross. They learn to fly together, but inevitably break apart, returning to their roots only when they’ve reached maturity. Sound familiar? The band’s bassist, Lou Barlow, declares, “I wouldn’t be in this band, I wouldn’t be working as Dinosaur Jr. right now if I hadn’t gotten better at picking my battles.” The mysterious process of Dinosaur began in 1984. Together, the three warlocks of folk, metal and noise rock released three albums over four years: Dinosaur, You’re Living all Over Me and Bug. Despite the success of Bug in particular, creative differences prompted the dismissal of Barlow in 1988. While J and Murph moved forward, Lou brought his experience to other creative colonies such as Sebadoh and The Folk Implosion, returning home to Dinosaur in 2005, more the wise and less the wise-ass. “I just think that every situation has its idiosyncrasies and you have to kind of adjust. Sometimes I’ve really misjudged situations,” laughs Lou. “I don’t know if honesty is the best policy, but I’m always trying to figure that one out.” Now, after nearly 20 years apart, the original lineup of J Mascis, Lou Barlow and Murph is back with a new album on Jagjaguwar. A classic Dina-sour stew of sludgy instrumentals, sweet melodies and some of the most perfect guitar riffs ever written, Farm is a faithful follow-up to last year’s reunion album, Beyond. “There’s a musical
Illustration: Natalina Percival
chemistry we have that’s just there,” says Lou. “When we got back together it immediately just snapped right back in. I mean J doesn’t really change paths between the Fog and Dinosaur. He’s been doing the same thing for years so when I see that kind of consistency I look at it and know exactly how I fit in.” But no matter how potent the chemistry, the key seems to be good ol’ fashioned polygamy, keeping a few pots simmering just in case. “I think just creatively it’s really important to work with other people,” says Lou. “Play other instruments and collaborate whenever you can; that’s necessary for me, and I mean it’s just healthy.” One of the differences now is that everyone accepts that Dinosaur is, at the core, J’s deal. And while each individual has proven more than capable of going solo, they recognize the group’s power imbalance not as a case against staying together, but rather a requirement for it. Lou has never shied away from expressing the challenges of Dinosaur’s dynamic, which include his and J’s opposite approaches to work. “J’s very singleminded about his songwriting. I guess when I write I want to collaborate a little bit and that’s just more of a challenge I guess.” Out of the 10 new tracks, Lou wrote two: “Your Weather” and “Imagination Blind.” “I try to do something I haven’t really done,” boasts Lou. “Looking back on the stuff I’ve done there’s nothing with really layered vocals on it so I went for that approach in
ION MOBILE TEXT “IONMUSIC” TO 82442 [ITS FREE!]
my songs. When it’s time to record, J comes in with the drums and guitar almost fully composed, and then Murph and I try to figure out what to play on it.” He explains, “J doesn’t write the vocals until the very end so I have to be extremely cautious and write bass lines that won’t interfere with whatever he MAY do on vocals later. It’s a pretty interesting way of working.” He laughs and adds, “It’s when the songs are done and we can hit the road, I get really into that, and so the live stuff is where I get my enjoyment from.” To see Dinosaur Jr. live is the ultimate sensory overload. J’s long silver locks blow like curtains in the wind and his lackadaisical voice dribbles lyrics that are easy to grasp and hard to forget. While touring Beyond in 2007, they played for a packed Commodore Ballroom in Vancouver, the only show where I’ve been handed a pair of earplugs upon entry. “It’s a physical thing,” Lou declares. “So much of what we do is based on how it feels to us. When I first met J he used to play drums so when he switched to guitar he was on this path to find the right kind of amplification, a way to get that same kind of visceral feeling that you get with drums. J kind of set the bar like, ‘Okay this is gonna be really loud,’ so Murph and I kind of forged our style around that too, like trying to be heard, trying to be felt.” When asked about music he’s into, Lou is as generous as can be with his likes and dislikes, always quick to shun the garbage and share the
goods. “I got really into the Black Lips recently. They remind me a lot of the Sixties garage music I listen to anyway.” He pauses a while and adds, “I like the idea of these younger kids taking music and instead of totally imitating, they’re really loving it and bringing out songs that sound like they were recorded in 1966 but somehow totally modern.” Aside from playing in Dinosaur Jr., Lou is releasing a solo album in August. “My best days on tour consist of playing acoustically in the day and then have a Dinosaur show at night. I really love having both close together; to me it’s so satisfying.” Lou adds, “Even when Sebadoh started I wanted to bring some of the aggression and volume of Dinosaur Jr. and mix it in with the more sort of intimate acoustic stuff.” As for the future of Dinosaur Jr., Lou chuckles, “I see J on stage wearing bizarre coloured clothing, playing really loud lead guitar with a really horrible hat on. As far as Murph and I, we’re…I dunno. I’d love to just go out and play for 100 people, have everybody tell me how great I am and then go to another town and play for 50 more people, then home to bed and do it again. To do that with my kids in tow, that’d be alright… yeah, that’d be fantastic.” Farm is out June 23 on Jagjaguwar
MUSIC Lady Sovereign
MAKE IT REIGN Words: Stefana Fratila
Lady Sovereign, a young midgetesque female Briton, raps in a manner that you can relate to. Although at first listen her music may not seem catchy enough, it quickly causes your mind to forget about priorities and your formal behaviour turns into an informal dance of the body. On the surface, lyrically, Lady Sovereign doesn’t seem to offer very much that you can relate to. But relating one thing to another happens with a string of inevitability, because we do wake up late in the morning, and we do go out, and we are improper. Lady Sovereign lives in a reality that is her own but the general atmosphere she builds with her superlatively spoken raps can bring a smile to anyone’s face. Lady Sov embodies female masculinity—wearing solid pinks and aqua blues—with straightened hair and front teeth in angles that make her words come out like “yaa, yaa, so huuuuman.” She looks pretty, but with a sensible dose of attitude. I ask her why she likes monkeys so much. Or what she’s like. Or what something good is like. It’s all, “Wild!” The word comes into play as a description of her behaviour, her experiences, and as an adjective to express almost any moment. When she speaks, she is excitable and it reminds me of her lyric “I’m a funky little monkey with the tiniest ears.” She tells me it’s true. She is a monkey and she always has been one and she’d love to always be around them, especially squirrel monkeys because “those are the cutest.”
Photographs: Kris Krüg
I ask her if she liked being a teenager. She says, “Not as much as other people do. I see others enjoying it more.” I wonder if she means me. I wonder if she always resembled a pixie. “I was a little too private and introverted back then.” It’s difficult to imagine a person who has so much energy and is so outspoken as ever committing reclusive actions. But, children grow into something and I guess a shy little girl grew into Lady Sov. She looks like a pixie and she speaks as fast as a bottle rocket. With the release of her second album, Jigsaw, she’s made it. Running her own label, Midget Records, (remember her line: “officially the biggest midget in the game”?) and making all the choices in regards to her music is partly why she’s so confident on the record. Although, I think she’s confident in her music regardless. “I want more fans and to be heard. But, I think they come together,” she says. It might take an album released made up screamo showtunes to get her a lot of attention and money, but no matter what, she’s already done everything on her own accord and it’s added up. So what does Lady Sov spend her time in London doing? “Getting wasted,” she laughs, Maybe in the oldest of days London was the greatest city on earth (and no one would dispute the fact) but it seems that, in this era, it carries a small number of offerings. For Lady Sovereign the offerings are solid: good friends,
ION MOBILE TEXT “IONMUSIC” TO 82442 [ITS FREE!]
pub roof tops for climbing and salvia. She is a monkey with time to share amongst friends and, in her own way, the world. What does Sovereign mean? “To me, it means a ring and a box of cigarettes.” I grin, remembering that she got her stage name from a large sovereign ring she wore when she was younger. “I cannot answer what it means to someone else. What does it mean to you?” Soveriegn says the songs off Jigsaw are reminders of the days she’s lived, and maybe never meant to be forgotten. This statement stands in a confusing manner next to the fact that after almost every question I ask, Lady Sov says “I don’t know” or “I can’t remember.” I doubt it’s drugs that prevent her from telling me too much—but I do think it’s possibly that she’s just grown accustomed to her chill lifestyling. She’s in it and it’s a snug place to be and she doesn’t have time to waste...unless it’s with the intention of getting wasted, when she remarks, “I am uncontrollable! Haha!” Upon hearing her new album and seeing press photos, I noticed she looks more ornamented, more feminine. And although the video for her single “So Human” still focuses on her being a different kind of ‘Lady’, like much of Public Warning! didn’t, Jigsaw enters a different realm of sensibility. It is interesting to hear a dancier record with a little more maturity. By maturity, I mean there are no samples of burps and
farts in the background of her rapping like on “Love Me or Hate Me.” On Jigsaw, she also sings. So it’s a little bit different, though necessarily better. “I wouldn’t mind doing a country album or something. I’m always thinking about what to do next,” she says. I feel like if Lady Sovereign wanted to become big fast, she could. And there was a time at the beginning of all the buzz when she was getting interviewed excessively and she just didn’t want to deal with it. So now, things are happening how she wants them to and at the pace she wants them to. Running a label is part of it. “I’m still in touch with reality and not swamped with money and bling, I don’t talk about those things. I’m grounded. I’m a unique performer others can’t touch. My parents always gave me the freedom to do what I want, and I still do!” There it is, she does as she pleases. Jigsaw is out now on Midget Records
“Growing up, my parents always called me a monkey” ION 43
REVIEWS Camera Obscura [My Maudlin Career] Dirty Projectors [Bitte Orca] Jeffrey Lewis [‘Em Are I] Passion Pit [Manners]
 Camera Obscura My Maudlin Career 4AD These songs make me disregard my movements entirely; they enter and stay inside the channels of my mind. And, you’ll think I’m such a girl, but maybe you’ve run into the video for the first single off the record, “French Navy,” and maybe you felt a little bit like me? Did you swoon at its super editingto-drum beat proficiency, or think the model boyfriend looked like a douche, or just smiled because the band looked really fucking cool? The video is an example of what Gwen Stefani’s “Cool” tried to be. Find your ex-lovers, gather them in your room and show them David Lynch cartoons they’ve never seen and grin. That is the closest I can come to explaining My Maudlin Career in a decree as swift as hitting your head against your lover’s forehead. - Stefana Fratila  Dirty Projectors Bitte Orca Domino It’s been nearly two years since I was floored by a video of the Dirty Projectors performing their somewhat delicate version of Black Flag’s “Rise Above” live at Death By Audio. I haven’t been able to shake the tune since, constantly shortlisting it for thoughtful occasions and dreamy playlists for lazy Sundays. The album, Rise Above was released in September 2007, as an attempt by lead Projector Dave Longstreth to remember and re-interperit the classic Black Flag album Damaged after not hearing it for nearly 15 years. Though I was completely unaware of the Dirty Projectors before accidentally discovering Rise Above, I have been anticipating a new release ever since. Following the success of Rise Above, Bitte Orca continues along a similar sonic pathway. It’s certainly the most pop-oriented release the Dirty Projectors have put out,
sometimes even skirting around R&B on the most accessible track “Stillness Is The Move.” Don’t get me wrong, this is not a pop album and the Dirty Projectors are not an R&B group. Just comparatively speaking, Longstreth’s compositions up till now have been typically lo-fi and fairly experimental. Bitte Orca seems richer than previous outings, with lush catchy arrangements, a very distinct kick drum and a move to push the guitar and bass players’ stunning vocals into the foreground. Bright, catchy, indie art rock from Brooklyn flirting with pop and R&B. No doubt Bitte Orca will make it to every year-end list on the planet, and it should. -Tyler Fedchuk  Jeffrey Lewis ‘Em Are I Rough Trade While researching (googling) Jeffrey Lewis’s new album ‘Em Are I, I found out a few interesting things about Mr. Lewis I would like to share. Firstly, he is supposedly the reigning king of New York’s anti-folk scene. This leads me to believe that the anti-folk scene has some obsession with twee mid-Ninties indie rock (Pavement). So much so that it’s necessary to have a dude like J Mascis come in and do his thing on one of your songs. Secondly, Jeff draws comics while he isn’t making music. This explains why so many of his songs are full of characters like glowing pigs and zombies telling you secrets and hippie chicks from the future melting your psyche with their powers. His lyrics follow suit, being funny and clever while simultaneously sad and self-defeating. I can just picture the ghost of Charlie Brown over Jeff’s shoulder saying “good grief.” ‘Em Are I is a fitting title for the disc (MRI, brain scan, get it?). This super personal glimpse into Jeff’s head is fun,
44 ION MOBILE TEXT “IONMUSIC” TO 82442 [ITS FREE!]
but I’m glad I don’t live there. Seems like the anti-folk kingdom is a place I have been before, not inspiring, but not uncomfortable. -Troy Sebastian Alden  Passion Pit Manners Frenchkiss According to rumour, Passion Pit started when frontman and keyboardist Michael Angelakos wrote and recorded an EP as a Saint Valentine’s Day present for his girlfriend while attending Emerson College. Yeah, and if you believe that then you probably also believe that Belle & Sebastian were formed when Stuart Murdoch hung out in an all night coffee shop in Glasgow waiting for just the right cast of characters to enter and recruited them for his project. Turns out, B&S were all just on the dole and took a music recording course together. The more probable scenario for Passion Pit is that Angelakos just wanted chicks to dig him singing and playing keyboards at the same time because he was really into this girl in his American History class who was really into Steve Bays from Hot Hot Heat (who performs the musical double duty on stage with fab panache). New bands, can we get a little more myth with our creation stories? Here’s how the next band I’m in will have been created according to me: One day, Trevor Risk was piloting his hover-moose to the moon in search of the secret keys to his Father’s wondrous, glowing tool box of secrecy. Along the way, he met Jeremy, a French Teddy bear who swings on stars and spy satellites. Jeremy introduced Trevor to an army of doe-eyed shoegaze sirens, who blessed his fingertips with reverse feedback and gave to him a magic Bigsby tailpiece with which to destroy the hearts of all who listened. The
Rick Ross [Deeper Than Rap] Super Furry Animals [Dark Days / Light Years] The Venture Bros [The Music of JG Thirlwell] Years [S/T] 
sirens became his backing band in a kind of post-modern Robert Palmer kind of thing. And that’s how Trevor Risk and The Blush were conceived. Bam. That’s how it’s done, Passion Pit. It should be mentioned though that Manners is the best album that’s been released thus far this year. -Trevor Risk  Rick Ross Deeper Than Rap Def Jam Did you know Rick Ross and 50 Cent have beef? No? It’s probably because the year isn’t 1999 and rap beef doesn’t matter anymore. Did you know that 50 Cent got one of his goons to make a sex tape with one of Ross’s baby’s mothers in retaliation for said beef? No? Did you know Rick Ross just made an amazing album and all the previous bullshit doesn’t really matter? You do now. Although the lyrical content is mostly the same as his previous work (see the track “Rich off Cocaine”), Ross has made an album that can only be described as classy. Ditching synthesizers for soul samples and an improved flow make Deeper Than Rap his best effort yet. A few standout tracks are “Maybach Music 2,” which features Kanye West, T-Pain and Lil Wayne, all sans auto-tune, and the opening track, “Mafia Music,” which can only be described as having a huge beat with Ross going hard and you forgetting that there’s a recession. Deeper Than Rap is easily one of the best releases of the year thus far. Did I mention Rick Ross owns a racehorse? -Zia Hirji  Super Furry Animals Dark Days / Light Years Rough Trade So this album starts with people talking and I’m not sure how I’m going to handle “Crazy Naked Girls” until there’s singing and then I think the song is over because there is cheering and I worry for a split-second
that this is a live album and then the song continues in its panic and indecision. AHH! Think of your impatience with my long, confusing sentence there and you’ll know a bit of SFA’s ninth album’s opener. The second song, “Mt.” wins me over in a “Mellow Yellow” kind of way. But then the next song is too mellow for me to listen all the way through. “Inaugural Trams” is a lot more fun, in a “(Drawing) Rings Around the World” way. I had a flashback to the movie Run Lola Run when a German rap breaks out in the middle of the song. A guy from Franz Ferdinand is responsible for that. I love Neil Diamond, so having a song called “The Very Best of Neil Diamond” is enough for me. “Helium Hearts” sounds like the Welsh boys are shaking car keys at a four-year-old’s birthday party. This song will be on all of my mixes this summer. Okay, I really have to go outside now. -Natalie Vermeer  The Venture Bros The Music of JG Thirlwell Williams Street This album will make your life more exciting. That’s a rare and a bold statement and it’s true. It happened for me, all you have to do is put it on your MP3 player and hop on the streetcar; all of a sudden the guy in the back seems intriguing, if not a little suspiscious. There’s no time for that; a seat just became free. You spring into action and in two bounds snag the seat. Phew, that was close! The streetcar lunges forward and she walks on, the sultry red head from two stops after yours. You’re just about to make your move when the communication watch goes off; it’s Rusty Venture, your stop is next and it’s time for work. The rare alterless ego of James George Thirlwell brings tightly knit orchestration and a keen sense of genre to The Venture Bros
score; adventure, sex, violence, emotions and cartoonishness made music. It reminds me of all my favourite parts of Mr. Bungle songs and all my favourite parts of The Venture Bros. The fact of the matter is that this album is exactly what it says it is and it delivers perfectly. What more can a guy ask for? -Bismarck Willhelm Von Brecht  Years S/T Years Music There are so many familiar sounds that clamor over each other on this record that a ramble about their derivation would be endless and surely pointless. It is a cloud of influence that parts to reveal a clearer picture into a mind that drives Do Make Say Think and who contributes, likely more than a small piece, to the Broken Social Scene. The mind of Ohad Benchetrit. Years has a singular orchestrated flow, an expected characteristic of a true solo record void of jamming sludge or dick licking compromise, but amazingly it’s also clever and interesting from start to finish, rarely meandering on a theme longer than is tasteful. Between polished edits there are moments of very human un-edited guitar—a satisfying dose of reality that reminds the listener of the living person that is making these epic sounds. Ohad Benchetrit has conjured a record that is moving and special. -Hayz Fisher
POSTER ART Gregg Gordon Gregg Gordon’s first poster was for Ozzfest, a make-money scheme created by Sharon Osbourne in which she actually charged bands thousands of dollars to open for a tired, water bucket-wielding version of her husband. Still, it’s not a bad project to get thrown your way when you begin making concert merchandise for Sony. As the years went by, Gregg decided to go solo, creating his company GIGART. Functioning as GIGART, Gregg was contacted by The Fillmore in San Francisco to design posters for their venue, and he’s had a stranglehold on the industry ever since. Gregg took a minute to describe his style. “I like that I have many different styles; if you were to look at my work, you might not think they were all created by the same person. I guess my illustration styles would range from really clean sharp line work to having a rough hand drawn feel. I also like to collage, using many different photos and illustrations and distressing them to get that worn, trashed feel. I am always trying different techniques. It keeps me interested and challenged.” Find Gregg at [www.gigart.com]
HOROSCOPES THIS MONTH: Fraser MacLean Fraser MacLean is a Vancouver-based solo “musician” who plays a Value Village-based “toy” keyboard. [www. myspace.com/frasergm]
Aquarius: This month, seemingly universal rejection will awaken in you a renewed sense of self-confidence. You feel reborn, purified in the fires of your own blazing inefficacy. Rock bottom provides a solid foundation on which to construct yet another towering failure. Pisces: Happiness takes the form of transcending the invisible social barriers between yourself and fellow commuters. Make a habit of staring at drivers in adjacent vehicles while stopped at red lights. While on the bus, continually brush your hands against those of other passengers. Take pride in the knowledge that these unexpected instances of human contact are possibly the most memorable part of their otherwise grey, trance-like workday. Taurus: It is probably your birthday this month. Late one summer, many years ago, your parents made love in the waning light of a sherbet-red sunset, the stereo of a bruised Camaro serenading their gasps of electric ecstasy. Out of 400 million contenders, you alone survived, and it was with that initial victory that you earned the right to life. High five! Aries: A chance hand-brushing incident with
a stranger on a bus leads to an afternoon of surprises. You share a meal, accompanied by anecdotes about near-death experiences and hilarious critiques of fellow passers-by. The day will conclude with an act that you previously deemed reprehensible: your reaction to it will determine whether you are audited this year. Gemini: You’re feeling cloistered. This month, take steps to reduce the soul-deflating feelings of confinement brought about by your sterile work-and-living spaces. Take a tip from hotel lobbies and tiny restaurants the world over, and cover opposing walls with mirrors to create a sense of infinite space.
visitors from Switzerland (where trans fats are already banned), will be overcome with gratitude, and will write your name down for easy Facebooking later.
by a neighbouring patient possessing a formidable jolie laide aesthetic. Love blossoms from this encounter, and (with patience) you will go on to have several average-looking children.
Virgo: This month, strengthen the bonds between old friends you haven’t really talked to since that dumb night last August. Invite them over for an evening of looking at gross things on your laptop, followed by 40 consecutive minutes of digging things out of each others ears. Take pictures of what you find, so that you can contribute to the online grossness.
Sagittarius: Things were looking good for Sags until the newly discovered planet Gliese 581-c put the celestial kibosh on you. Astrology’s logarithms have been off for 6,000 years, but now that we’ve got that fucker pegged I think we’re back on track. Recommend that you stay indoors this month and get reacquainted with the daily habits of your neighbourhood’s marsupials.
Cancer: This month, take time to reconcile the fact that you are your parents’ child: all of their personal failings will, to some degree, manifest in your own life. With this in mind, forgive them, and forgive yourself for all that which has yet to come to fruition.
Libra: Once again, you will be reassured by your doctor that the growth on your thigh is not cancerous, but is, in fact, a cyst. This news will embolden your significant other to reattempt removal, utilizing all the hallmarks of amateur surgery at its finest: an X-Acto blade, beer, and a digital camera to capture the proceedings. YouTube notoriety awaits.
Leo: Your vigilance in avoiding foods containing trans fats will be rewarded this month. While in a grocery store, recommend that some fellow shoppers refrain from purchasing the Ore Ida Frozen Tater Tots (3 grams, seriously?). They,
Scorpio: A mishap involving an estranged friend will land you in the emergency ward with a pierced eardrum. To prevent the pooling of blood, you will be required to lay on your side. From this position, your attention is commanded
Capricorn: Time to get smarter about love. Guys, resolve to no longer fall for textiled feminine trickery: graphic tees bearing sexual innuendo are likely misleading. Women: uhh, skinny, pale and blonde are, uhh, good signs. Musicians are usually a bad bet, but if he doesn’t play an instrument that has strings or skins, he’s probably ok.... oh, and lucky numbers this month are 604, 323, and 4876.
DINOSAUR COMICS BY RYAN NORTH
www . qwantz . com