Volume 7 Number 1 Issue 54 8 10 14 16 47 48
Editor’s Letter A new hope. Meet The Staff Finally we give you all the information you need to stalk and murder your favourite ION employee. Of The Month Movies about crazy French tightrope walkers, video games that star Prince, money saving fashion tips and a cat named Water. ION the Street Watch yourself! Horoscopes Comedian Adam Pateman is this first of Ought Nine to offer up his own special and life affirming version of the horoscopes for your reading pleasure. Cartoons
FASHION 18 28
Millburn It’s kind of like Obey. Except instead of Andre the Giant and Obama, you get owls and the designer’s face. People Don’t Dance No More... Fashion editorial shot by Andre Pinces and styled by Vanessa Leigh
ART 28 34
Camilla d’Errico In Ought Nine, wearing a cephalopod as a hat will be all the rage. Vantage Art Projects It’s about time you took those posters you got from Blockbuster for free off your walls and at least pretend to be a little more sophisticated. .
MUSIC 36 40 42 44 46
The Pains of Being Pure At Heart Oddly enthusiastic about you pirating their album. Ladyhawke Introverted Kiwi by day. Radiant disco princess on Modular by night! The Band Name Book Bootsauce are on page 177. Album Reviews Poster Art: Lil Tuffy There must be something in the poutine that makes people from Montreal great at making rock posters.
ABOUT THE ION MOBILE GUIDE This year ION is introducing a fun new mobile component that will help enhance your experience with the magazine. Keep your eyes peeled for the ION Mobile Flag on pages where there is further mobile content available. For music related mobile content simply text IONMUSIC to 82442. You’ll immediately receive a text back with a link to a mobile website. If your phone is compatible with iTunes, you’ll be able to preview and purchase all the music featured in the current issue of ION. In future issues we’ll start recommending a few choice tracks you should consider purchasing. For fashion related mobile content text IONFASHION to 82442. For this you’ll be directed to a website that lists where you can purchase all the clothing featured in the current issue. To make it easy for you, there will be Google Map links for all the stores. Some of our advertisements will also feature mobile content. In this issue you can text BENSHERMAN to 82442. You’ll then be directed to a website where you can enter to win a fabulous Ben Sherman Mod chair. This is still all really new for us so expect a lot of exciting new mobile features to be added in the future. And apologies in advance, we don’t plan on accommodating people who still only own a pager.
I 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9
* * Standard text messaging charging apply
Vanessa Leigh email@example.com
Editor in Chief Creative Director Art Director Music Editor Fashion Editor Designer Copy Editor Editorial Interns
Michael Mann firstname.lastname@example.org Danny Fazio email@example.com Tyler Quarles firstname.lastname@example.org Trevor Risk email@example.com Toyo Tsuchiya firstname.lastname@example.org Leslie Ma email@example.com Steven Evans Samantha Langdorf, Patricia Matos
Office Manager Advertising
Natasha Neale firstname.lastname@example.org Paul Ellis email@example.com Jenny Goodman firstname.lastname@example.org
Writers Troy Sebastian Alden, Nojan Aminosharei, Bix Brecht, Gloria Chik, Stefana Fratila, Hayz Fisher, Shallom Johnson, Sharon Ko, Samantha Langdorf, Danielle Munro, Adam Pateman, Kellen Powell, Natalie Vermeer Photographers and Artists Ronnie Abelada, Toby Marie Bannister, Jenny Kanavaros, Hubert Kang, Kalen Knauf, Kris Krüg, Brenndan Laird, Kate McLaren, Natahsa Ndlovu, Rebecca Padgett, Mahsa Pazhouh, Andre Pinces, Jessica Steblyk
ABOUT OUR COVER PERSONALITY CIRCLESQUARE
On our cover this month is Circlesquare. Currently a resident of Berlin by way of Vancouver, he made time for us while in town shooting a music video for his latest album Songs About Dancing and Drugs. He certainly knows about dancing. Circlesquare produces ethereal electronic soundscapes that are enjoyed on dancefloors around the world and he’s also been known to DJ the occasional ION party. As for drugs? Well he knows about that too. Not only an accomplished musician, Circlesquare lives a dual life as Jeremy Shaw, an extremely successful and subversive artist. One of his more noteworthy stunts involved drugging his friends with DMT, a powerful hallucinogen your brain releases when you’re born and when you die, then recording the results for an 8-monitor installation. This has been shown in major art centres around the world (he offers this tip if you’re wondering where you can purchase DMT from, “Drug dealers.”). 2009 is going to be a busy year for Circlesquare as he’ll be touring the eastcoast, Europe and Japan. On the gallery side of things, he’ll be taking part in a year-long public poster project for the Olympics which resurrects old imagery from Expo 86.
ION is printed 10 times a year by the ION Publishing Group. No parts of ION Magazine may be reproduced in any form by any means without prior written consent from the publisher. ION welcomes submissions but accepts no responsibility for the return of unsolicited materials. All content © Copyright ION Magazine 2009 Hey PR people, publicists, brand managers and label friends, send us stuff. High-resolution jpegs are nifty and all, but they’re no substitute for the real thing. Clothing, liquor, PS3s, CDs, vinyl, DVDs, video games, and an iPhone can be sent to the address below. Songs About Dancing And Drugs is out now and is reviewed on page 44 in this issue. [www.songsaboutdancinganddrugs.com]
New Address #303, 505 Hamilton Street. Vancouver, BC, Canada. V6B 2R1 Office 604.696.9466 Fax: 604.696.9411 email@example.com
Cover Credits Photographer: Brenndan Laird. Photographer’s Assistant: Ronnie Abelada. Styling: Toyo Tsuchiya. Makeup: Jenny Kanavaros [Judy Inc} Circlesquare is wearing blue cardigan with coloured piping [Modern Amusement from Holt Renfrew], and a yellow button-up shirt [Paul Smith from Holt Renfrew.]
MICHAeL MANN First issue of the most exciting year for ION yet! We have some awesome new staff. We have an awesome new look. We have an awesome new office. We have some awesome new mobile technology that’ll enhance your experience with the magazine. Guess how this year is going to be for us? However all is not well in the world today. To paraphrase economists, “2009 is going to fucking suck.” For good measure, I’ll throw in a quote from a friend of mine about the problems the world is facing as well, “I fear for the likes of a lot of people once Peak Oil, food riots and hand-to-hand street combat finally arrive. Not sure how you dance, snort and Facebook your way out of that one.” I’ve dismissed my paranoid friend’s rants for years. However, he is starting to make sense as it would seem the world is
Hungry or Broke by Toby Marie Bannister
gradually taking a step closer to becoming one of my all-time favourite movies, The Road Warrior. My advice for coping with these difficult economic times is to learn some new skills. Not useless ones like being really really good at marketing or knowing a lot about various laws. Learn to make fire, set a broken bone or which berries are poisonous and which are delicious. These will all be useful skills to have when we have to burn all our money to keep warm at night and we’re reduced to an economy based on the bartering of skills and useful goods. I for one welcome a return to a system of bartering. “You take this arrow out of my arm and cauterize the wound. In return, I will build you a device that can turn your urine into fresh drinking water.” That’s makes a lot more sense to me than trading money for stock in a company.
Armed with this knowledge, and coping with an office move over the holidays, we put a bulk lot of a thousand promo CDs that no staff member wanted on Craigslist. We didn’t want it taking up space at our lovely new office and no one would pay money for all this dreck (stores can’t seem to sell CDs and we wouldn’t fare much better). So the catch was we stated we were only after interesting trades. We got about 50 responses in a week. The offers ranged from the creative “I will come into the office, and let everyone draw additional stuff on my arm tattoos. That’s right. Imagine making the dead Asian snake lady on my arm saying ‘IM A STUPID,’” to the extremely depressing: “I had to leave an abusive husband who I am now in court divorcing. This whole thing has crushed me. I feel old. I feel broken… I cannot offer you
much as a trade because most of my stuff is tied up in court, so I can offer you… two empty fish bowls that are of no use to me because I keep buying companion fish and they keep dying.” In the end we accepted the generous offer of a three-litre bottle of Jack Daniels and two really creepy paintings, as getting really drunk and enjoying some art is a great way to take your mind off the economic turmoil (see the paintings on page 14 and 15). So fill up a shopping cart full of guns, water, gasoline, canned food and gold, then head for your bunker in the hills to ride it out. No matter how fucked the world gets you will still be able to get drunk so long as you’re resourceful. Unless we’re reduced to eating each other. If that happens, I’d recommend staying sober.
CONTRIBUTORS MEET THE 2009 TEAM
 Vanessa Leigh—Publisher  Trevor Risk—Music Editor  Toyo Tsuchiya—Fashion Editor  Leslie Ma—Designer  Paul Ellis—Advertising
 Tyler Quarles—Art Director  Michael Mann—Editor-in-Chief  Kris Krüg—Online Editor  Natasha Neale—Office Manager  Danny Fazio—Creative Director [MIA] Jenny Goodman—Advertising
Photography: Kris Krüg [staticphotography.com]
ION THE PRIZE Wrighteous Designs
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TEXT “IONTHEPRIZE” TO 82442
Photography: Hubert Kang. Styling: Toyo Tsuchiya. Hair: Jenny Kanavaros [Judy Inc.] Makeup: Rebecca Padgett. Models: Lorenzo [Liz Bell] and Kelly [Jett Models]
The prize this month hums its way into your heart courtesy of Wrighteous Designs (www.wrighteousdesigns.com). These eclectic and gorgeous hand-crafted rosaries are made from Swarovski crystals and glass beads custom made to your liking. All come with a double-sided religious center, a mini bible locket and the world’s smallest harmonica in the key of C. No two rosaries are alike just like you. So hop, skip and jump your way into Sunday mass and drop to your knees. The world’s holiest accessory has arrived. To enter text IONTHEPRIZE to 82442 or go to www.ionmagazine.ca
U O Y E V HA HEARD?
r the fo p o h s p to s e n is the o oof. r e n o r e d n u ll a latest trends, February 17–19, 2009 — 9am-6pm | Las Vegas Convention Center — C5 Entrance Register now at www.pooltradeshow.com
OF THE MONTH We Have A New Address Tough Economic Times Tips [DVD] Sukiyaki Western Django [Art Show] The Love Letters Show [Game] Prince of Persia 
 We Have A New Address Hello people who send us creepy letters and promotional companies that send us crappy CDs. Over the holidays ION has relocated to a lovely new office in a charmingly cruddy area of town. Our new address is Suite 303, 505 Hamilton Street. Vancouver, BC V6B 2R1. Update your mailing list and send us office-warming gifts. Nothing under $100 in value please.  Tough Economic Times Tips Have you heard the economy is in the shitter? It is apparently. 2009 is all about saving money wherever you can. Every month we’ll give you some great and fashionable ways to save money as you’re probably about to lose your job. Our first tip of 2009 is to rock a flask of delicious liquor with you wherever you go. Your friends may mock you hitting a flask but they’ll have one the following week because not only is it an awesome look, this will help you save money in two ways. Firstly, you’ll be spending less money on booze. Secondly, it will keep you out of nightclubs that charge the most for alcohol when your flask is empty because they have metal detectors. You could always use a leather tear-shaped bota bag, but those are tough to hide in your pocket.  DVD—Sukiyaki Western Django Takashi Miike is insane. Not just for the content of his films and that he never takes off his sunglasses, but also for the ridiculous rate at which he cranks them. By the time you’ve finished reading this magazine, Miike will have already made three new
movies. Sukiyaki is Miike’s take on the Spaghetti Western genre (however they’re called Macaroni Westerns in Japan, seriously). Watch a bunch of way too pretty Japanese cowboys who don’t speak English attempt to deliver all their lines in English between over-the-top sword and gunplay. There’s even a fun cameo from Quentin Tarantino. If you’re a real keener, you should rent the original Django before viewing. Watch out for the surprise in the coffin.  ART SHOW—The Love Letters Show There are going to be a lot of pissed-off former lovers come this February, The Love Letters Show will be presented by grace-gallery at 1898 Main street in Vancouver in conjunction with Queen & Shaw, a newly opened gallery in Toronto at 107 Shaw Street. The show will consist of love letters that have been squirreled away in shoe boxes for years. The end result of this show will likely be you drunkenly looking up all your exes on Facebook and friending them. Don’t do it! www.grace-gallery.com www.queenandshaw.com  GAME—Prince of Persia The Prince is back. Rich with gold and riding a donkey in the desert, a sandstorm blows him into a canyon. There he unwittingly stumbles into a battle of good versus evil where he has to heal a tree of life. Didn’t all this happen on a Peter Gabriel album? Jump, hop, climb, swing and stab your way through exquisite landscapes in a massive open world. The Prince has a new look this time round as the
[DVD] Man On Wire [PET] Water I Am Unlimited 
game uses a fun new illustrative art style. He also has a new magical girlfriend named Elika who saves your ass with magic when your ass inevitably falls into a pit. One of the best games of 2008.  DVD—Man On Wire Impossible, entirely. Inspiring, without a doubt. 2008 documentary Man on the Wire directed by James Marsh outlines the artistic display of high wire rope walker Philippe Petit’s passionate dream to walk on a high-wire strung between the two World Trade center towers. Filled with the gumption of a criminal about to perform a legendary bank heist, Petit gathers together a team of friends, family and misfits that are inspired by the challenge. Through various successful attempts at rigging high wires to structures around the world and meticulous observation of the WTC inside and out, the team perfects the strategy of their ultimate day of imaginative fruition. Witnessed by unsuspecting bystanders in the WTC and on the busy morning streets of NYC on August 7, 1974, this single act of defiance and art changed lives around the world for planting the seed that once in awhile, the impossible can happen.  PET—Water He will steal your soul, your heart and your ankles all in one fell swoop. This kitten is a relentless snacker and attacker, yet was caught here in a vulnerable act of relaxation. Perhaps it’s because his name is Water (the vet thinks it is Walter, which is more ridiculous) or perhaps it’s because three seconds after this
picture was taken he threw an upside down peace sign at the camera. Whatever it may be, this kitty rocks. We smell a LOLcat post in the near future for this frisky feline. Send pictures of your cute critters to firstname.lastname@example.org to have them immortalized in print.  I Am Unlimited Marc Ecko is at the forefront of promoting soical activism through the arts. The company is utilizing Marc Ecko Watches as a platform to showcase individuals and projects from around the world that are personally changing the lives of global communities. These individuals will be highlighted in 30second viral commercials with the tagline “I AM UNLIMITED.” Ecko distributors will be encouraged to highlight activists and artists from their areas for future “I AM UNLIMITED” video spots. The entirety of these video presentations will be shown in Spain in 2009. The first installment in the series features the Canadian social activist Gavin Sheppard and his organization The Remix Project, which encourages youths to get involved in urban arts. [www.marceckotime.ca] [www.theremixproject.blogspot.com]
Photography: Brenndan Laird. Stylist: Toyo Tsuchiya. Styling Assistant: Mahsa Pazhouh. Hair and Makeup: Jenny Kanavaros [Judy Inc] Models: Florent and Siouxsie
ION THE STREET
‘WATCH’ YOURSELF Watches are no longer time pieces, but key staples of your outfit. We’ve noticed the trend on the street is to have a big, colourful, conceptual watch on your wrist. Here are some watches we think you should add to your wrist and if you need the time, check your cell phone.  The Elite - Marc Ecko  The Deavaux - Nixon  Skull by Marc - Marc Jacobs  Star Performer - Tokyo Flash  Neon Plasteramic Collection - Toy Watch  The Tribella - Nixon  Rosewood - Vestal
16 ION MOBILE
TEXT “IONFASHION” TO 82442
chew them up. spit them out.
STENCILS AND STYLE Words: Gloria Chik
Photography: Natasha Ndlovu
Who said that Canada doesn’t have an emerging streetwear offering? Millburn by Owen Milburn is set to change that notion. Owen brings garments to life with hand printed graphics, paint-splattered effects, vibrant colours, an abundance of personality… oh, and an owl. Owen’s background stems from the hip-hop scene in Victoria. He went on to study Interactive Art at Simon Fraser University in Vancouver. There he pushed his creative boundaries, focusing largely on installation and new media art. His talents are evident in his new media art works, most recently as part of an installation for Evan Biddell’s afterparty at L’Oreal Fashion Week. After launching the short-lived but fashion-forward clothing line A.D.D., Owen relocated to Toronto. Being the entrepreneurial soul, he rebranded his designs in a rather ironic way – this line had no name, but instead boasted a stenciled image of his face as the logo. Owen launched this project in the best way he saw possible – out of Kensington Market, a community known to foster and grow local talent organically. Renting space in the front yard of a Kensington shop one summer, he made stenciled t-shirts with paint rollers
Styling: Toyo Tsuchiya
and a propane heater. Owen was a portable artist, carrying his business home in a backpack when he was done. His current line in the making, Millburn, is geared to launch in Spring/Summer 2009. With it, he intermingles urban culture and Canadiana themes like wildlife imagery and First Nations influences. The line incorporates organic fibres as well as environmentally friendly paints and dyes, keeping in tune with the sustainable clothing movement. There’s a touch of Owen in each item of clothing as they are hand stenciled with love. So what is it about Toronto that appealed to this young designer and what is it that keeps him there? “There’s something unapologetic about Toronto that I like. I think Toronto’s fashion sense is really underrated, but it’s interesting. Local stores are really open to supporting local designers and I’ve seen some good success with boutiques in Toronto.” A strong work ethic blended with a creative mind is sure to see Owen Milburn to great successes – watch out world, here comes the owl. [Look out for the launch of the new line at www.millburn.ca]
Hair and Makeup:Jenny Kanavaros [Judy Inc]
ION 19 Models: Rob[Rad Kids] Lauren[Liz Bell] and Tyler [Richardâ€™s]. On Rob:Tee-Millburn, Dark denim jeans-Models own, Lime Watch-Curtis & Co. On Lauren: Tee-Millburn, Yellow cardigan-BB Dakota, Peach acid wash jeans-Blank NYC, Multi coloured bangle-H&M, Silver earrings-H&M. On Tyler:Tee shirt-Millburn,Grey jeans-Domino Jeans
People Don’t Dance No More They Just StaNd There Like This
PHOTOGRAPHY BY ANDRE PINCES [NOBASURA] STYLING BY VANESSA LEIGH Styling Assistant: Mahsa Pazhouh. Hair and Makeup: Jessica Steblyk [Judy Inc.] Models: Robyn and Bronwyn [Richard’s]
Red dress, Malicious Manor. | Blue dress, Malicious Manor-Grey dress, Guido and Mary
Dress - BB Dakota, Cardigan - Alternative Apparel Orange Label, Necklace -Aldo Accessories
Shirt - Pubic Library, Jacket - Matix, Skirt - Matix
ION MOBILE TEXT “IONFASHION” TO 82442 Shirt - Ed Hardy, Jacket - Fenchurch, Jeans - Rivet De Cru
The Artwork of Camilla d’Errico
FACTORY GIRL Words: Shallom Johnson
Camilla d’Errico is an art factory. This girl’s got an output like Andy, minus the minions. Think wide-eyed girls in futuristic cephalopod headgear, instead of Ms. Monroe and Campbell’s soup. This prolific Vancouver-based artist spends practically every moment of every day creating, or thinking about creating. Her body of work spans many genres and mediums, and has taken the form of video games, anime, comic books, graphic novels, fine art, vinyl and plushie toys, clothing, handbags and anything else that she can get her hands on. She and her older sister/manager AdaPia
Photography: Kris Krüg
make a formidable team, combining their talents to make the most of each other’s strengths. Camilla credits AdaPia with helping ease the load, managing her many projects and organizing her time, taking on the business aspects of her ever-expanding art empire. After many years of taking every job that came her way - paid or not - Camilla has reached that enviable point in a successful artist’s career where she can pick and choose which projects she takes on. “If I ever did a 9-5 job it would destroy me,” she says with a sigh, when I ask how it feels to be
making a living from her art. It turns out that - through a combination of hard work, luck and stubbornness - Camilla has always found some way of working in a creative field. And, like many whose lives lead down imaginative paths, she thrives on variety, treating each aspect of her artistic practice as a new adventure. Working in a variety of mediums and genres serves as one of her many tools for overcoming artists’ block. As a last resort, she browses through photography magazines, looking for striking visuals that just might inspire her current work or send her spiralling off in a new direction.
The Artwork of Camilla d’Errico
AdaPia is not the only d’Errico sister to six-issue manga series called Camilla be involved - all three of Camilla’s sisters d’Errico’s BURN, a project that (like almost are the inspirations for The POOKS, a new all of her work) is multifaceted. Officially set of cute little characters who could launched at the 2008 Emerald City Comic very well be the next Hello Kitty. Named Con, BURN is slated for publishing in Poe, Kamel, Bean and Gawn-o, each one 2009 as a graphic novel, with publisher is based on a sister’s unique personality. Arcana Studio currently negotiating for As well there is a fourth “unofficial” sister, the series to be further developed into opera singer Morgan Strickland, who’s an animation, a motion picture and a been an essential part of the d’Errico video game. Her first collaboration family since they were kids. Camilla is with Hellboy writer Joshua Dysart came also collaborating with younger sister in 2007 for a two-part miniseries called Bianca on one of her “passion projects,” Avril Lavigne’s Make5 Wishes. She is again Tanpopo, a unique graphic novel series collaborating with Dysart to develop that takes advantage of what Camilla a graphic novel series based on her sees as a huge opportunity for innovation signature Helmetgirls characters. “Joshua – merging two genres that typically don’t has created a beautiful world, inspired by mix - classical literature and comics. what I wanted my girls to be,” she says. Written by her sister and illustrated by An epic story set in a post-apocalyptic Camilla, Volume I was based on Faust and world, this series is poetic and elegant Volume II will draw inspiration from The while also dirty, grimy and full of strange Rime of the Ancient Mariner. technology. The two are meeting again in As is to be expected, Camilla has New York in February to continue work always loved “drawing, doodling and on the series. Camilla says that she feels watching TV, especially cartoons.” Her “truly honoured” that her artwork has been journey into the comic book world got able to “inspire and excite a writer like a kick-start back in 1998, when she Dysart who has been in the industry for attended Comic Con International. “Most so long.” In addition to her work with people never find that thing that clicks,” comics and video games, a large part of she says with a grin, “and that clicked Camilla’s current artistic practice falls for me.” While attending Emily Carr she under the umbrella of Pop Surrealism, worked for a small press company called a rapidly growing art movement which Committed Comics and found various is gaining acceptance in the fine arts commercial illustration gigs. As always, community at large. Her doorway into the gaining experience outside of school LA market and into fine arts in general makes a world of difference - since then, came as somewhat of a surprise. She her career in comic books has taken off credits collector-turned-art-rep David and shows no signs of slowing down. Freeman as providing the springboard In 2004 she began development on a that launched this aspect of her career. A
phone call out of the blue led to a threehour conversation about the gallery scene, which in turn led to her first ever solo show at Gallery 1988 in San Francisco that completely sold out before opening night. Since then, the growth of this genre has widened her fanbase. Feedback from new audiences ranges from “pure enjoyment” to some rather strange and twisted interpretations, and often helps Camilla to see her own work in a new light. When asked for a “weird fan story,” she tells of a guy who frequents comic conventions asking his favourite artists to add to his erotic “chocolate and fairies” black book. “Some artists go crazy,” she says, “A lot of the artwork is so explicit, it’s shocking!” When he first approached, black book in hand, Camilla was “terrified” – but eventually she succumbed, adding her own page into his fantasy fairy world. Looking forward, Camilla will continue the trend of bringing Pop Surrealists to new audiences, and will be walking in good company. She joins contemporaries Ron English, Lori Early and Sas Christian in having landed permanent representation by Opera Gallery, one of the most prestigious galleries in the world. With branches in Singapore, Hong Kong and Dubai, as well as closer to home in New York and London, Opera juxtaposes classic and contemporary works by artists from many different periods in one space, encouraging fans of more traditional art forms to see the value in a genre that they may have previously discounted. Having finished off 2008 with a showing at Art Basel and her “last
Vancouver show for a while” at El Kartel, 2009 will be a year of transitions, as she settles into her new representation at Opera. Along with a March show at Gallery 1988, she is planning a “final, goodbye show” at LA’s Thinkspace Gallery before she moves on to tackle the international art scene. Also upcoming, she will be included in numerous art books, notably the 4th edition of Grafuck by Gallery Nucleus, as well as Thinkspace’s Untitled Love Project - in which her artwork is accompanied by some cheeky answers to a shockingly personal questionnaire about love and relationships. Camilla is also excited about the upcoming launch of her own art book, which will include fan favourites as well as some never before seen works - sketches from works in development, video games and movies - that give old and new fans a true look behind the scenes at her artistic process, past and present. She’s traveled a long and eventful road since that first day at ComiCon, and she is nowhere close to slowing down. As we sit drinking coffee and talking about what lies ahead, Camilla’s whole being practically sparkles with excitement. With seemingly boundless energy and a strong family support system, it won’t be long before this cheerful, charming artist wins over the rest of the world.
“If I ever did a 9-5 job it would destroy me”
Redbeard Rides a House Grave of Green and Yellow by Sandra Lopuch and Ben Edmiston
Vantage Art Projects
THE ART-VANTAGE Words: Samantha Langdorf
During my first year of university my dorm room
navigate, for both artists and art lovers alike.
are two groups of people, content providers
art print series available in three sizes which
looked like an Ikea catalogue photo, complete
There are lots of people who love art and who
and infrastructure providers,” says Jen. “And
range in price from $45 to $1,450. The website
with the framed print of Vincent Van Gogh’s
are interested in collecting it. There are also lots
if you’re not creating art, or providing content,
also features artist bios as well as links to their
“Café Terrace at Night.” At three feet by four
of people who make art and are interested in
then it’s your role to provide the infrastructure
feet, it was the largest and most impressive
selling it, but sometimes it can be hard for these
that’s necessary for the art world to grow.”
piece of “art” I had ever owned, and I figured it
two groups of people to come together and do
Vantage has a unique approach to providing
to provide something that was immediately
would give my dorm mates the impression that
business. Sherri Kajiwara and Jennifer Mawby
this infrastructure within the art world. Its
accessible, but still met fine art standards,”
I was arty. Thankfully, my tastes have evolved
were concerned about this and decided to
online presence serves as a forum where
since then and that Van Gogh print now lives
create a way to increase the exchange between
emerging artists can showcase their work and
The desire for accessibility is definitely
in my parents’ basement. However, despite the
artists and art lovers. In October of 2008, they
establish contacts, while art lovers can discover
a driving factor behind all of Vantage’s
fact that my interest in art has grown over the
launched Vantage Art Projects with the motto
new artists and begin building a collection of
goals. After many years of working in the
years my knowledge is still fairly limited.
that “art is an essential service.”
affordable pieces. Twice a month, Vantage’s
fine art gallery world, both Sherri and Jen
“Fresh Picks” releases a limited edition fine
acknowledge how exclusive it can be. “In the
The art world can be a difficult place to
“I believe that within the art world there
“Our goal for the ‘Fresh Picks’ series was
Meander by Angela Grossmann
Phone Home at Midnight by Mark De Long
end, it’s a luxury retail business,” says Sherri.
print-on-demand process that eliminates
with a lack of education rather than a lack
are a number of similar international models,
“You have to sell expensive art in order to
the need for storage of excess prints. It also
such as Visionaire and Jen Bekman’s 20x200,
keep the doors open.”
reduces the financial risk that artists often take
Sherri and Jen envision Vantage as a way
on when making prints of their work.
For now, Vantage remains in its introductory
which have experienced noteworthy success
phase but there are many plans for future
in the last year. Considering that Vantage
of rethinking the gallery experience. “We want
As Vantage continues to grow, Sherri and
growth. Sherri and Jen are currently working
is only four months old, Sherri and Jen are
it to be accessible, but in the right way,” Sherri
Jen see many opportunities for reducing the
on developing the Art Press, which is the
excited to see how Vantage will grow during
explains. “We’re not dumbing down art, we’re
financial gaps, as well as the educational gaps,
publishing division of Vantage. Art Press books
the next year, and they anticipate that it is
just figuring out a way to offer high-quality
that exist within the art world. “We want to
will serve as exhibitions in print, and they will
going to be a busy one.
pieces that are still affordable.”
make it easier for people to collect art,” Sherri
showcase the work of new artists. In addition
One of the ways in which this is
says. “It’s not unrealistic for people to spend
to publishing the work of artists within the
accomplished is through their printing method.
thousands of dollars on their homes, but then
Vantage network, there will also be open calls
All of the “Fresh Picks” editions are printed on
decorate the walls with ten dollar posters. For
for submissions through the website.
archival paper by a fine art printer. It’s a digital,
a lot of people I think this has more to do
While Vantage is unique to Canada, there
The Pains Of Being Pure At Heart
GROWING PAINS Words: Trevor Risk
“Good bands will find a way to make it work,” says an excited Kip Berman on the telephone from his self-proclaimed “dirty” home in Brooklyn. Kip is the kind of young man you would dream about as a teenager in the Nineties who would swoop into your town with his collection of Sonic Youth cassettes and his love of all things precious. His band The Pains of Being Pure at Heart is the kind of band you wished existed your entire life, and he feels the same. “I don’t ever want to be that guy in a band who loves his music too much but I’m probably like, the world’s biggest Pains of
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Photography: Toby Marie Bannister
Being Pure at Heart fan. If I wasn’t in this band, this would be the band that I love. This is the band that I would have loved in high school when I was sitting around with my friends (and we were sort of goth) sitting in all night diners and talking about anarchy all the time. This would have been the band that I was totally in love with. So it’s really cool to hear people respond really positively. But I don’t want to say how much I love my guitar sound because I don’t want to be like that guy from the Killers who got in trouble for saying that he made the greatest album of all time.”
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But it’s quite possible that he did. He found a way to make it work. Drums heavy on the fills, bass guitar that drives with straight time, pretty keyboard pads, pretty girl keyboard player, male/female vocals, a guitar sound that’s a simple, punchy Fender Jaguar referencing early jangle pop from the UK (but with more definition) and perfectly placed mini-solos. To a select few, The Pains of Being Pure at Heart DID make the greatest album of all time, and Kip Berman knows who these people are. “We started as kind of a joke, and we played our first show at this warehouse
party and this dude who was a little older came to it and he used to work A&R at Elektra and he walked up afterwards and was like ‘So.... do you guys wanna get famous?’ and we were like ‘To twelve people, yeah!’ and he was like ‘Then have fun!’ and chuckled to himself. Our only goal was, and still is, to be really important to a few people. Given the choice between being kind of well liked by a lot of people or really loved by a couple of people we always choose the couple because that relationship is so special to me.” “We’re a pop band and we write pop songs,” our hero continues, “and even though it’s easy to cite influences that we have and different bands that we like a lot (and that’s totally valid), you have to point out that at it’s core it’s just pop music and it’s not like this super heavy and elaborate shoegaze stuff. I mean we rip off really early My Bloody Valentine rather than later My Bloody Valentine. What do all these Brooklyn bands have in common? Well, they all sound different but they all draw on similar inspirations and we all have similar record collections at home but they kind of take it in different places. We don’t
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really sound like Black Tambourine, but we like Black Tambourine a lot so I can’t help but think that there’s got to be some element of their music in ours.” Which of course makes it no surprise that Mike Schulman, the drummer of Black Tambourine and co-founder of Slumberland Records gobbled up The Pains of Being Pure at Heart pretty damn quickly. “It’s really cool because other bands on the label are bands we’re fans of, so it actually feels like the label means something. Slumberland has its own aesthetic, it’s really strongly associated with a type of music. Mike Schulman, who some people refer to just as Mike Slumberland, is really great. We’ll say ‘Can we do a seven inch from the album?’ and he’s like ‘Yeah...’ ‘Can we put it on blue vinyl?’ and he’s like ‘Yeah.’ ‘Can we do another one on red vinyl... like blue and red???’ and he’s like ‘YEAH!’ He’s really supportive and he’s really excited about us and he’s not sitting there and trying to cut every corner.” Good bands may always find a way to make it work, but that may involve finding an audience outside their home base. The Pains of Being Pure at Heart have found
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open arms of joy amongst the populations of the UK and Sweden (not unlike Canadian acts Martha and the Muffins and Danko Jones respectively). Listen to Kip Berman’s band and it will take only a few moments to realize why. Fresh off tours of both countries, Kip explains the journey. “Sweden is such a bizarrely alternate universe for pop music. Like, it’s actually popular. The music we make is the music there that normal people listen to and not just what weird dirty people listen to. It’s culturally receptive to The Pains of Being Pure at Heart. It’s really cool that there’s a place on earth where cool kids in clubs go out dancing to Orange Juice instead of Justice. Literally you’d go to a club and everyone there is like 19 and cool and amazing looking and totally stylish and they’re dancing to like Orange Juice or something like that. Not like what people would dance to in Vancouver or New York. The biggest show we’ve ever played was in Stockholm. We’ve never played in front of that many people before. It’s really shocking to go halfway around the world and find more of your fans than you would 20 minutes from your house. It’s really cool
how the internet allows people to find out about stuff and helps bands that obviously don’t have the resources to go out and tour the world. It’s wonderful that people can hear our music without having to special order us or write us and ask us to make a tape of it or something. Metallica gives a hard time to people with the idea of downloading music for free and depriving musicians of whatever, but it’s totally the opposite for a band like us. It enables such a wider audience of people to enjoy us and pass along the music to their friends. It’s been really helpful to us that people even care enough about us to leak our album. One of my friends when we were over in England was like ‘Your album leaked’ and I was like ‘Coool!’ Someone cares enough to actually leak our album!” You heard the man. Get it, rip it, share it, and love it with all your...er... heart. [Catch The Pains of Being Pure at Heart February 12th in Toronto at Neutral and February 13th in Montreal at Il Motore and then soundtrack your St. Valentine’s Day with their self titled debut album out now on Slumberland Records]
SHE’S SO UNUSUAL Words: Nojan Aminosharei
Pip Brown is sitting in her hotel room in Melbourne, waiting for another call. Today the girl known as Ladyhawke is more like Rapunzel. She waits for the phone to ring, and for a voice to appear on the other end of the line, from the other end of the world, and for it to ask the same questions that until months ago, the bashful singer had grappled to answer. When Pip released her self-titled debut album, in September, she lit up the music industry’s radar. The more she was labeled The One to Watch, the more she became the one to talk to. Her music, bombastic 80s-inspired pop, has the confidence of a rock chick and the playfulness of a pop princess. It’s this duality that earned her the attention of both Courtney Love and Kylie Minogue after the release of “Paris is Burning,” a forceful dance single that Pip wrote after a romp through the Paris nightlife. The dramatic synthesizers, the dance beats, the catchy guitar hooks – all of which she records by herself before enlisting the help of a band for live appearances – betray Pip’s meek personal manner. In person, she speaks softly – and a little adorably – in her native New Zealand accent. She punctuates her answers with the occasional nervous chuckle, which makes you feel like maybe she’s telling you a secret. But when Pip laughs lightly, it’s not coquettish. When she hesitates or struggles before an
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Illustration: Kate McLaren [www.kate-mclaren.com]
answer, she’s not being demure. Pip is just shy – genuinely, painfully shy. In September, she revealed to The Guardian that she had recently been diagnosed with Asperger’s syndrome, an autism spectrum disorder. It was a revelation that helped her understand her lifelong awkwardness. And at first her awkwardness may look like a hipster affectation. It makes her look like she’s scowling in every press photo, or desultorily slouching in every music video. But in person, it’s surprisingly endearing, precisely because it isn’t a belabored affectation, but a normal and relatable reaction to her sudden rise from obscurity. A self-declared introvert, Pip, 27, says she’s been waiting years to build the “air of confidence” needed to be pop artist. Luckily, She is nothing if not patient. When Pip was eight years old, she would play her mother’s old Beatles record on a broken record player, spinning the record patiently with her finger to play her favourite songs over and over. After her stepfather, a drum teacher at her school, introduced her to the drums when she was 11, Pip started taking lessons. From there, Pip says, “I played in a grunge band, I played in a garage rock band, and I played in a hardcore band.” As part of the hard rock band Two Lane Blacktop, Pip caught the attention of Nick Littlemore, an Australian music producer and one half of both the dance music duo Pnau,
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and the electronic music duo Empire of the Sun. When her band broke up two days prior to a gig at South By Southwest, Pip made the uncharacteristically impulsive decision to relocate from Wellington, New Zealand to Melbourne. “There’s only one thing in my life that will make me move, and that’s music,” says Pip, who admits to being otherwise homey and unadventurous. “It was just something that I felt needed to be done.” Once Nick heard that Pip had come to Australia, he asked her to join him in Sydney for a pet project he called Teenager. Just as she is today with the press attention she receives, Pip was flummoxed that Nick had even heard of her. Flattered, she agreed to join Nick’s project, and the two played together from two years, the timid Pip alongside the eccentric and captivating Nick. But for those two years, Pip furtively developed her own work. “Teenager was Nick’s project, his baby, and I felt like I wasn’t doing what I wanted to do, which was my own music,” says Pip, who avoided pitching her new songs for Teenager. “I didn’t want them to be Nick’s, I wanted them to be mine.” When she did play her solo songs for Nick, he encouraged her to develop them, and helped her record a demo. Slowly, starting in 2005, Pip started developing her work under the moniker Ladyhawke, after the 1985 fantasy film. “It’s not like I was inspired by the mov-
ie, I just thought the name was really cool,” Pip laughs, adding, “I wanted to have a name that sounded empowered and a little bit, I don’t know, magical.” In 2005, Pip was compelled to island hop once more, moving to London, where her music was getting more attention than it was in Australia. “But that’s changed now,” she says, with her album topping at #16 in Australia and #47 in the UK. Reviewers in both hemispheres have sung her praises and compared her to Eighties chart-toppers like Pat Benatar, Kim Wilde, and Cyndi Lauper, although the last one, says Pip, bemuses her. “I love Cyndi Lauper’s music and I think she’s great, but I can honestly say I can’t see the similarity.” With a chuckle, she adds, “And that’s the one that everyone quotes!” So who would she want to be compared to? “I don’t see any reason other than I really admire her, but I’d say Patti Smith.” With her blonde mop of hair, and penchant for boy’s clothes, Pip’s pick doesn’t come as much of a surprise. Neither is it a surprise that the timid Pip would admire the commanding Godmother of Punk. “If there’s anyone I’d love to be like, it’s her.” She adds with a chirp, “So, uh, yeah.”
The Band Name Book
THE NAME GAME Words: Kellen Powell
The Band Name Book by Noel Hudson is exactly what it sounds like. The book breaks its self up into several categories like, “animals” or “death stuff”* and then lists the bands that the author found relevant in that category with a short blurb. I found that if I scanned for a band I wanted to know more about I’d usually see something I wanted to know about before finding what I was originally looking for. From there I’d generally see something else funny and once I exhausted one train of thought it was easy to move onto another one. The book advertises on Amazon as being a reference book where you can have the origins of every band at your fingertips. After spending some time with it however, it’s clear that Noel would rather regale you with
Illustration: Calen Knauf
the thousands of stupid and often hilarious names of bands you’ve never heard of, than actually give you any substantial history on the ones you know. Although I was disappointed when bands I wanted to know about were missing, to the book’s credit, there was usually something amusing listed alphabetically where “Pop Will Eat Itself” or “Atari Teenage Riot” should have been Although it’s disappointing and frustrating to see that your favourite bands have been missed, it’s also really clear that the author doesn’t care. He’s way more psyched about “Fake Shark Real Zombie” or “Crack Horse” (because Crack Horse sounds like “crack whores”) than he is about writing music history. So maybe the best way of describing the book accurately would be to say what it
isn’t, and it isn’t one of those Rolling Stone compilation books or a companion to rock documentaries. It’s not using band names as an excuse to talk about the bands, it’s actually about band names. There is an art to band names that I never fully appreciated until I spent time with this book. The author is a Canadian who takes pride in having been in weirdly named bands since he was 16, and is arguably more enthusiastic about band names than he is about music. A lot of the bands listed will probably never be heard from in any significant pop culture capacity, but certainly deserve to have their names go on record. The Band Name Book is available for about twenty bucks after shipping on Amazon and if you’re the kind of person who
likes to read the local music papers when you’re visiting other cities, or you spend time browsing MySpace for new bands and are generally amused by indie music scenes and music culture this book will be a good thing to have kicking around. It’s nice to pick up while you transit or to browse while you eat your cereal or take shits or when and wherever it is you do your casual reading (you’re probably there right now reading this magazine!).
[*ION stole the book back from me before I finished writing this article so this probably isn’t an actual category but you get the idea.]
MUSIC REVIEWS 
Animal Collective [Merriweather Post Pavilion] Circlesquare [Songs About Dancing and Drugs] Cut Off Your Hands [You And I] Faunts [Feel.Love.Thinking.Of]
 Animal Collective Merriweather Post Pavilion Domino By now you’ve probably read half a dozen 331 – 1,009 word reviews about this record. Including those very accurate word counts, I want to be specific. Beginning with the cover art: its intensity will have you tripping balls from any distance (computer screen or otherwise). The thumping bass will break the plates on your walls and the teeth in your mouth. My friend hallucinated while listening to this record, although his notion of hallucinations is slightly askew, you might also! On “My Girls,” Animal Collective responds to Madonna’s truthful reasoning that “we are living in a material world.” This response is creating poppy pop with reflective lyrics like “I don’t mean to seem like I care about material things… I just want four walls and adobe slabs for my girls.” Cute! Now that Panda Bear has a family, it is interesting to hear a remarkably produced, more mature, yet still experimental record. This is the one for 2009. And you knew that. So, things to do: attend a listening party, strike up a situation in which you dance with a certain someone and smile and say, “I like this song…” Then, buy a record player and the vinyl because it will, I promise, take you on at least one unforgettable trip. 5/5 - Stefana Fratila  Circlesquare Songs About Dancing and Drugs Boompa I’ve never liked dancing and I’m finished with drugs, but Circlesquare’s Songs About Dancing and Drugs is tempting me to do both. They’ve encouraged me down this dark path with the addition of guitarist Trevor Lawson and drummer Dale Butterfield. The duo pulls Circlesquare away from the electronic lockstep of previous releases taking the album toward a humanized avalanche of sound. This shines through on songs like “Dancers” and “Hey You Guys.” Guitar parts start awkwardly, building toward something you’re not quite sure of, until it all comes together with that single missing snare hit. Jeremy Shaw’s coolly detached vocals ride the edge of mechanical goosestepping and human emotion, with the tendency toward the emotional in songs like “Timely” and “Music for Satellites.” While listening I kept finding myself singing along with Jeremy’s nah nahs and doot doos,
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so much so that I was soon singing along without even knowing the words. Circlesquare has convinced me to start snorting ones and zeros and grinding with guitar feedback. 4/5 -Troy Sebastian Alden  Cut Off Your Hands You And I Universal Cut Off Your Hands’ debut album You and I is boring. This is the first album I have had trouble reviewing because it’s just so… middling? Usually I can find something either outstandingly good or bad to write about, but not so in this case. This album is fine for what it is; an example of how, in a post-everything culture, it’s okay to reach back 20 years, pick out an already bland style of music and bland it down some more so as to not appear retro. Lead singer Nick Johnston sometimes sounds like he’s channeling Rick Astley, sometimes Robert Smith, but mostly he’s channeling straight formulaic whatever-the-hell kind of music this is. Okay, seriously, I am listening to the album right now as I type this and it just really inspires no response whatsoever and that might be all you need to know about Cut Off Your Hands. 1/5 -Bix Brecht  Faunts Feel.Love.Thinking.Of Friendly Fire Recordings There are advantages to being a band in Edmonton, Alberta. You don’t get pigeonholed with your sound, you get to be remixed by Cadence Weapon (if you’re lucky/any good) and you get to sound like the bleak winters (the sound of a bleak winter being the only advantage to living through a bleak winter). Faunts’ third album doesn’t sound like anywhere though and that’s what its first hook is. Taking shoegaze to a weird contemporary place is difficult, and sometimes Feel.Love.Thinking.Of misses, but the record eventually finds a perfect place to live; somewhere between an overcast November day and a poignant scene in a Darren Aronofsky feature. The more adventurous listener will put it on for a late evening lovemaking session, and the casual listener can at the very least appreciate the wide production. Add in that the standout track “It Hurts Me All The Time” sounds like a perfect amalgam of a Lilys song, a Sega Genesis game and the Eric’s Trip tune “Happens
Guns N’ Roses [Chinese Democracy] Love is All [A Hundred Things Keep Me Up At Night] Mr. Oizo [Lambs Anger] A.C. Newman [Get Guilty]
All the Time” and you’re left with an album that hits, misses, but comes out the of tunnel with a trophy in hand. 3/5 -Trevor Risk  Guns N’ Roses Chinese Democracy Universal Axl Rose kept the world waiting sixteen whole years for the follow-up to Use Your Illusion I/II. Considering it took Guns N’ Roses my entire lifespan to create this mindfully-titled record, I was expecting something a little better. Although when the 45-second intro of actors and actresses ‘excitedly speaking about nothing’ came on, I wasn’t really that surprised. For weeks, my friend told me how pumped his customers were about the anticipated release, answering the phone with “Welcome to the Jungle! Guns N’ Roses out on November 23rd!” At that point, I didn’t know very much about them (except that they existed). I actually told someone I was reviewing Guns N’ Moses... a reference to my Civilization homework, right? No? Well, I ultimately asked myself “Who is going to buy this?” and I realized it could only be two particular groups of people: those guys with ‘cahraaazy’ belt buckles and the parents of those teenagers that make out at steamy house parties (all the time). Just like those parties you don’t go to anymore (but remember vividly because of their cheap strobe lighting that got to your head), that’s what Chinese Democracy feels like. 0/5 - Stefana Fratila  Love is All A Hundred Things Keep Me Up At Night What’s Your Rupture? It’s not hard to smile, you don’t even need an excuse most of the time. Well, if you bought stock in Circuit City or you work (worked) for GM or you’re getting generally fucked by the world you might. Or maybe you’re just not a very happy person. Hey, some people aren’t. You might take drugs to make you think that you’re happy, but they don’t work. Just a side effect to mask a symptom. You’re really better off removing all of the stuff in your life that makes you unhappy like hate and violence and money and greed and Stephen Harper. Then what? Then you’re just an empty shell that used to be filled with shitty shit. Now you need LOVE... and that will make you smile for sure. Now if Poly Steyrene’s voice didn’t make me want to stick sharp pencils in my ears I would compare Love is All to Xray Spex, but the sax is the only real similarity. Oh well, I’m going
to compare them anyways. The Xray Spex make me hurt (in a good way) some of the time, Love is All makes me not hurt (in a better way) all of the time. 5/5 Hayz Fisher  Mr. Oizo Lambs Anger Ed Banger I can’t stop listening to this album… Mr. Oizo is electronic club music for people who like their electronic club music goofy and weird. The only problem with his discography up until this point was that there weren’t enough solid dance songs or party anthems. Even though Mr. Oizo pretty much conquered mainstream dancefloors on his first try when he released “Flat Beat” 10 years ago, he never really followed it up with any other bangers (unless you count “Stunt” which is a little too intense for most parties.) But now we have Lamb’s Anger and it’s filled to the brim with the dumbest, silliest rave anthems and party jams imaginable. Dear Mr. Oizo, “Bruce Willis is Dead” is so awesome that I forgive you for producing Uffie. My only fear is that I’ve preached the greatness of this album in print, when it was supposed to be some sort of treat designed especially for my brain. This is my favourite collection of Oizo’s work so far and I hope he keeps going in this direction. 5/5 Kellen Powell  A.C. Newman Get Guilty Last Gang Records It’s hard to find fault in a Carl Newman-styled pop song. He knows just what to do to make a song catchy and somehow, I always feel inspired when I listen. It also helps that I feel like I’m listening to a new New Pornographers record. The album starts off with “There are Maybe Ten or Twelve”, a similar song to the Peter Bjorn and John Writer’s Block album opener. Make of that what you will! As you listen, you will subconsciously add kazoo on “The Heartbreak Rides”, start chopstick coffee table drumming on “Like a Hitman, Like a Dancer” and “la la la la” along on “Submarines of Stockholm.” Just sayin. I adore the closer, “You All of My Days and All of My Days Off,” as it confirms that a clever title can prove a song wonderful too. Like Miranda July having a short film entitled “Are You the Favourite Person of Anybody?” - obviously it’s going to be precious. Or, at the very least, perfect to write on a mixtape tracklisting for someone you love. 4.5/5 -Natalie Vermeer
POSTER ART LIL TUFFY
LIL TUFFY Holy moly we’ve found such a gem in Lil Tuffy this issue. Montreal has a reputation (mostly due to Leonard Cohen stories) of being more stylish than the rest of the country and we will now solidify that idea. If there were a Billboard chart for poster artistry, Lil Tuffy would be the equivalent of Rumours. “My style is something that is constantly changing. I don’t want to make the same thing over and over again so I am constantly experimenting. But there are some common elements in the bulk of my work. A lot of my work focuses on what you can’t see by utilizing negative space and placing only a portion of an image on the poster. I usually work with a very limited palette.” Be certain to check out http://lil-tuffy.com for more graphic perfection.
HOROSCOPES THIS MONTH: ADAM PATEMAN Adam Pateman is a comedian based in Vancouver. For more articles, videos, art, and upcoming show info, go to www.adampateman.com.
Pisces: Everything is about to go batshit crazy, Pisces. Tomorrow morning, a section of your torso will be missing and gravity will have no effect on your body between 3:30 and 5pm. This week you will witness the seas part and there on the exposed ocean floor will be the original cast members of Saved By The Bell nude and on fire. A ghost will appear in a saucepan and convince you to join a pyramid scheme, and Louis Riel will arm wrestle Cap’n Crunch in your bathtub. Get a disposable camera.
Get a job with health benefits or stop only eating food that comes from gas stations.
Taurus: Everything you do is flawless and brings us all toward a social Utopia that will end world hunger and obliterate awkward situations where you have to introduce someone to a person who’s name you can’t remember. All the other signs are shit. Gemini is a sell-out, Sagittarius smells his fingers on the bus and Cancer keeps burning erasers in the attic with his “friends”. You rule, Taurus. This is not a biased reading, I promise. Sagittarius: There has got to be a reason why your inner thighs smell like mushroom soup, Sagittarius. It’s time to go to a clinic. And if liquid that you don’t recognize comes out of your body , it’s never a positive thing.
deliberately rear-ended a car because it had a bumper sticker that read “My honour roll student entitles me to boast publicly.”
Go ahead and eat Ravioli out of the can with a hair comb. You can do what you want, because you are an independent woman.
Leo: Don’t listen to that meth dealer. There are better ways to motivate yourself to clean your house. Put on some upbeat music and dance while you mop, or smoke a few crack rocks and cast away your worries of cleanliness and replace them with manic motor skills and crippling paranoia.
Scorpio: Drinking “the hair of the dog that bit you” only works for hangovers. Don’t take this literally. It does not cure rabies if you were actually bitten by a dog and then drink it’s fur. However, drinking a double Jack and Coke at 11 in the morning will also not cure the fact that you are an alcoholic.
Gemini: Yelling “Bingo!” is only appropriate in one place and under one circumstance. You are confusing everyone at the bank. Although I can see how you could mistake “B44” with the triplet boy band, I do not understand why every time you see a picture of Fred Savage you punch the nearest person and take your clothes off before singing “Eye of The Tiger.” You are an enigma.
Capricorn: Stop wearing ironic T-shirts, tight pants, vintage pump-up high tops and neck bandanas. You are wearing a uniform for pretentiousness. And quit collecting black velvet paintings and rare vinyl records before going to coffee shops with your fake friends to make loud belittling comments on how they should watch indie films that you like. No one likes you anymore. You are an empty husk of self-congratulation.
Aquarius: Hey Aquarius, it’s me, Adam. Why haven’t you replied to any of my messages on Friendster? Have you found a new socially unifying website? And why don’t I see you on ICQ anymore? Get back to me and hopefully we can hang out in a chat room or share song files on Napster. Also, please send help. I am somehow trapped in 2002.
Virgo: The tables of road rage will turn this week when you accidentally jerk the steering wheel and end up in a TGIFridays full of schizophrenics who will think you are a time traveler who wants to steal their hair. They will be much more hostile than you when you
Libra: Here are some life tips, Libra: 1) Cheese tastes great with wine, but cheese does not taste great in wine. 2) If you run out of clean plates, simply turn them upside down and pretend it’s a pedestal for your meal. There is nothing wrong with being creative.
Aries: Remember when you would flirtatiously chase someone you liked around the schoolyard, and the pain you felt when they didn’t reciprocate the flirtation, and instead screamed and told on you? It wasn’t because they thought you were ugly. It’s because they were eight years old. And you were 26. But you ARE ugly. And you will die alone.
Cancer: I will tell you exactly why you have crabs. It’s not because that’s your astrological animal. It’s because your astrological symbol is a sideways 69. And that sexual position is what caused this. Any time you get pubic lice from someone’s face, you know they are trouble. I already talked to Sagittarius. We’ve made an appointment at the clinic.
DINOSAUR COMICS BY RYAN NORTH
www . qwantz . com