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In Search of Surrender By Invincible Victoria

Reflections of painful transformation and the beauty within when you surrender and simply become the person you were always meant to be.

Copyright Invincible Victoria 2014 Published by Invincible Victoria, LLC

DEDICATION: This book is dedicated to women (and men) living in toxic relationships and/or of domestic violence and marital abuse and the children they affect. No one deserves to be told who they are, how to act, or have to make decisions based on someone else’s consistent fluctuating behaviors. If you have to ask for permission to take the kids out, if you are threatened verbally or physically with any kind of punishment, if you are not “allowed” and discouraged from seeing friends, if you don’t have access to your finances (even marital finances if you stay home), ask yourself: Would you treat someone this way? Victims of abuse are made to believe there is something wrong with them (most often psychologically). And there is – we stayed for far longer than we should have. We make excuses and play pretend. No more. No more double- thinking because you have to think about their thoughts and your thoughts and what response will give which reaction. Those who’ve lived it know the torment and the hurt. Those scared by it, time will heal it… …but only once you leave the chaos. This is for you. From one heart to another. These are my writings and reflections found in journals over the years stuffed away living someone else’s life. They are also a collection of expression reflecting on leaving that life and become whole again. In God’s eternal love….you are His princess (prince)… Why would a father want you to suffer anymore? He wouldn’t. (I*V) Invincible Victoria

Dear Reader, The spaces in this book are intentional and designed for you to draw on your thoughts, prayers, and pleas to God. May Peace. Love. Mercy. Be with you always. I*V

Surrender There's a beautiful life after surrender full of adventure, love, mercy, and grace. The hard part comes first: Letting go and giving in to not knowing the plans He's made for you; Then the follow through comes natural after walking out of the fire... let the path wind as it may and let Him lead you back to YOU, who you were always created to be, before life's distractions led you astray. Surrender is not giving up or giving in. Surrender is getting you back on the journey to where you always belonged.

Fight the Good Fight Dear God, Please fight the good fight for me. I don't want to fight. I never did. I thought this would end but, it hasn't. I'm tired and worn. I surrender. I surrender to You. I surrender the battles in my mind regarding the injustice served to me and the desire to move forward but I'm getting caught in the pain instead. I surrender my hope, my fear. I surrender the vision of the future I had for me and the hurt of my past. I surrender my pride and my ego to You (what little I ever had). I surrender and will find comfort in You and only You. For I know You have plans for me. Plans to prosper me and not to harm me. Plans to give me hope and a future. I surrender. But, please God..fight the Good fight for me... and let it be won soon.

"For I know the plans I have for you,� declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. (NIV version - Jeremiah 29:11)

On the Road to Where I'm Going One day when I'm long gone on the road to where I'm going I will look back and say, "Thank You, God for all you've allowed to happen in my life and for all I've endured. You certainly have made me strong." Endurance and Strength is something I once prayed for, and NEVER will again :) Like they say, careful what you wish for? Careful what you pray for too! I probably shouldn't have prayed for the two together. A lifetime of heartache is certainly a strengthening tool. But this circumstance? This is something I never imagined or expected. Things are getting better day by day but, even still, for every hopeful opportunity or movement forward, there's been a cold blow trying hard to knock me down. I'm not falling that easily anymore, even if I do have my moments. I admit I do still think on things I cannot change and that's not good for anyone so I change the channel in my mind and think about how sometimes unanswered prayers are the ones we need to thank God most for. Even if it turns out badly in the end. When it comes to God's hand in my strengthening, I must say I never thought I'd be able to stand up for myself. I never truly thought I would ever be strong. I once crippled under criticism and was full of self-doubt. I spent years trying to prove myself to a family who was never going to accept me for who I was anyway. (Not my family.) I spent so much time asking for permission from the world, from a husband, even from a church asking if it was okay to just be who I am; I kept asking the world "Will you accept me?" When I should have been saying, "Here I am world, I am me, and free to be who I am meant to be." As long as I'm walking with Christ, I'm walking in love and others can take it or leave it. I am who I am. I'll be who I was created to be. I'll be the me calling out from within and no one from the moment on is going to take that away from me... I do long for the day when the pain of today's circumstance ends and I find new life. But right now, I just need to get through the grieving process of lost hopes, of losing a foundation, of the feelings of worthlessness in my own home, a home I knitted together with love, forgiveness, and grace. And when I'm all done with that, when I rest in the Lord and He begins fulfilling His promises to me, when I get to simply focus on my hopes and dreams again I will say: "Thank You, Lord for all I endured. It was all part of the path to get me where I always wanted to be. The place you've created for me."

Perhaps this hurt and sorrow is but simple suffering for the abounding blessings God is waiting for the right time to pour out on my children and me. I wonder if the pain of today may just be the grace of tomorrow.

Fall on Your Knees and Let Your Voice Be Heard Oh what a tangled web we weave The sins of man I fall on my knees Death do not forsake me Heaven awaits Keep arms outstretched before you Be not afraid to pray God hears the cries of your heart And does not wish to part From the place deep within Where life fell apart A heart of stone can not relinquish the pain you have endured But life anew comes shinning through Let your voice be heard To you I say, as I did for me, Fall on your knees once more pray for your heart's desire, pray for all you pray... fix a wrong, to end a hurt, to walk through fire unscathed.. no matter what you are asking, God hears...God saves..He reigns

Rain Rain is a blessing, often overlooked... Rain is time to reflect; to drink in serenity Rain is a moment to wonder, to be still, to breathe Rain is a chance to renew. I once hated rainy days. They were horrid and unproductive and just another day I couldn't run and play. What I see now is that beauty and growth come from moments spent in the rain. That the moments where we are forced to stay inside, and perhaps those days and times in our lives when we are forced to stay locked inside ourselves, is when we are drinking in the strength that the water gives us. Water to us, as Christians, is Christ's love. May you be blessed this day that during the rain you will remember God's blessing. And after the rain come fruitful blooms, stronger roots, and a more plentiful glow of all that is within you. God's peace and love and blessings for you always.

A Pretty Flower A pretty flower just for you To know God's love is always true You're a beautiful gift to the world above Hold out hope for a strangers love... is with you now ‌ and forever more‌ You will glow again when you walk out the door And find within, the peace you crave Of no more bitterness or hurt, or the pain you save Free you will be, to be who you are No longer contained, or confined as you are Trust in the Lord, but let yourself go And watch you transform and bloom what's been sowed The beauty within you will find there inside When you see your life unfold and no longer must hide To be who you are who you were always meant to be You will live a better life a life where you are Free.

Life after death All death, be it physical, spiritual, or the death of a relationship, leads to new life. Learn to surrender today and watch how a loving Creator, God The Father, takes you into the beauty of tomorrow when you lay it all down and allow Him to take you there.

Faithful One Christ will allow us to walk through the fire but, when we trust in Him, we come out unscathed! May you find comfort and surrender laying all your burdens at the feet of Jesus and may God grant you a Fruit of the Spirit - Peace this day. Amen.

Going into the Deep Shining bright as the moonlit sky a somber sun sets over the land her smile turns to dust The strength once within absorbed into sand I am paralyzed in pain once again Afraid to let go, afraid to move on Afraid to live in the torment that be And when it's over the covers pulled tight Day and night, day and night, My body paralyzed in a bed once almost never touched Will I glow again? Will the sun rise in my heart? Will I ever see the stars move across a night sky? I am contained, trapped in my own skin. Life ...stopped. I hope to find it and glow once again. ~ This is a poem written years ago before the process of losing oneself was even recognizable. Losing oneself by giving your taker all the little pieces of you is a very slow and long process.. pay attention to the thoughts and words you write and take time to reflect instead of simply ignoring what your heart is trying to say.

Take Comfort; You are Not Alone In all the trouble, throughout the storm, God has been my source; my strength. Yesterday I learned faith itself is a spiritual gift. While some must consciously try to remind themselves of Christ's love for them and to place their cares on the Lord, others have received the gift. Simply without burden their expectation is that God the Father is taking their load and carrying it for them. That He has the final say and is taking care of the injustice in our lives - with or without our consent or knowledge. In my life, especially now in my distress, I find I have made Christ Jesus and God above my hope and confidence (Jeremiah 17:7-8 NLT). I refuse to worry and instead look forward to the rest of my life knowing God planted in me seeds that will bear beautiful fruit. Although I do have two beautiful children and do hope to have more, the seeds I speak of are not the gift of children but gifts of love, kindness, joy, peace - things of comfort that will help others to know the love of Jesus Christ and that in your circumstance you are not alone. When we get help, the help we need, we can choose to accept or reject it. Often Christian people invite the sufferer to continue unjust suffering because Christ suffered. I urge you to ask God and pray. Men and women need not stay in abusive relationships because it's "a Christian duty" or "the cross they bear" but, must stand strong in the Light knowing God equipped each of us with the ability to protect our children and ourselves. He is not a condemning and angry God but, a loving and just God. When you turn to Him your stains are washed away. So, what are you waiting for? Walk away from the toxicity and find new life in Him.

Sometimes Sometimes part of the surrender is simply to just be who you are. Who you were created to be. Not who you think yourself to be but, to allow your mind to process and wonder and go through all the motions of your many different sides in your thoughts instead of simply stuffing them out. Just be you. I've learned more about myself in three weeks of not being who I think myself to be and just being the me I am in my natural state than in the last four months of trying to fit into the little boxes I contain myself in to separate out where each little piece of me goes. Where my faith box goes when I'm in the midst of pain. Where my love box goes when my heart is bleeding. Where my morals go when my sex-drive kicks into gear after years of marriage and now going without. Sometimes Christianity doesn't fit into our world view because our world view needs to fit through the lenses of Christianity; Rather Christ. Christ died so we could be free. Free in Him. To love Him. To forgive others and most importantly and often, ourselves by being good to ourselves and making better thought through choices. The guilt from things that are a natural part of life needs to not take root but be harvested and replanted with the willpower of faith and a moral compass that commits one's Spirit to Christ. Even when we make mistakes or when someone hurts us in a capacity we are unable to resolve or control, we can surrender. Repeat after me: God, I just want to be me. Whoever me is. Please find me where I'm at. Love me as I am. All the little pieces that make me uniquely me as you created me to be. Christ loves us as we are. All the little things that drive us crazy about one another He somehow is able to look over and embrace anyway hanging onto us saying, "I love you. God, The Father, created you. You are Mine." That alone should be enough for all of us to lay down the burden and fall into His arms. Begin again in prayer today and say enough is enough. I'm just gonna be me again: The good, the bad, or the ugly. But, when I am, I will try and think of You, God, and make better choices this time around. Amen.

Acceptance & Forgiveness Allowing people to continue to sin against you (such has happened in my own family with people very close to me) is not what God asks of us. We don't reward our children for bad behavior, thus why would God ask us to reward those who continue to sin against Him? He doesn't. God wants us to defend Him and hold our Christian counterparts (our brothers and sisters in Christ) accountable. Yet instead, we lump forgiveness into acceptance and say we did something good for Christ when in fact, we haven't. There is a difference between offering a blessing when wronged, something we’ve biblically been instructed to do, and inviting the perpetrator to enter into our lives on a regular basis. Again, forgiveness is grossly misunderstood. To forgive a perpetrator when no change has been made is noble only when we understand and establish our faith permits us a “biblical right” to set up a boundary from that point forward. We can accept and acknowledge the facts that yes, harm, hurt, and pain was inflicted but we can do so without accepting that as part of our daily life. We can acknowledge wrongs against us without accepting excuses for sin. We can also accept it’s not up to ourselves to change a person and we can’t change the facts of the injustice dealt in our lives. If we can’t change those two crucial facts, then it’s useless to drum up anger and/or harbor resentment, which is the very point of both forgiveness and acceptance to begin with. It's for your own healing. Not the healing of your perpetrator. It’s up to the person to seek God and find resolve in their life for their misdeeds. It's not up to you to be responsible for such knowledge. It is not your cross to bear. It is the job of the Holy Spirit to guide them. It’s also up to that person to let the Holy Spirit lead. In Christ's love, May you hold strong and be granted both the courage to walk away from sin and humility to grant forgiveness with the beating of your heart and find healing this day.

For a Daughter of the King Beautiful, from the inside out Full of love, life, and grace without a doubt The world might not see the beauty deep within, until it finds your heart and love wrapped in Him More precious than a gem, you are... To me you are the moon, reflections of the Son A Heavenly Treasure, not an earthly one So, if a day comes and in the mirror you can't see, beauty beyond physics beyond the physical that be Take a look again, but deeper into your heart, Find your innocence within, find the beating of your heart Know that you were born in special love and grace Created of compassion to live among this race For purpose beyond what the eye can see, The most beautiful precious princess my eyes have ever seen.

When I am Free When I am free, I will be me Full of hope, full of love, full of happy memories Back to the beginning I go, yet changed in a way with more power, more self-love and awareness in my day To be who I am without persecution, To stand up and speak aloud without reservation To act out the call of my heart, To laugh, and play, and be one with art... When I am free, my children will see a much healthier, happier version of me. The time is coming, I can feel it draw near, to live life out loud without any fear The time is coming when I get to be free To live, to love, to be who God created me to be!

Learning to Surrender Often we don't recognize we're still moving in our own direction when we're trying anxiously to lay our burdens down. Learn to be still in the midst of surrender.

Sit quietly. Don't run. Don't rush. Don't panic. Sit and rest a while. Let your mind run through all its million things and then stop. Be silent. Be still; And know God is with you. Jesus has not forsaken you. He is simply waiting for you to surrender your motives, blame, hurt, pride, ego, righteousness, and burdens to Him so He can sit with you, quietly holding you, to tell you, "It will be okay...I have a perfect plan for you. Let Me be God while you sit still. Rest while I make my perfect plan complete."

Finding Ourselves Astray In our Christian faith, the Holy Spirit we often overlook, is the One inside, asking us to take a look. To listen and tend to feelings that come from deep inside. To help one another, without ever taking pride. When we listen we can hear, and when we hear we make a choice. In choosing to follow, we do so and rejoice. But when we choose to turn away, each and every day, the Good News becomes forgotten, and we find ourselves astray. By committing love to action, we hear the echos of our heart, Pouring out in love, such as God’s done from the start. Do unto others and share what is Above. May the Holy Spirit lead you, to follow in His love.

Losing Love & Finding It Every now and again, losing love is what helps us find it. Losing self-love takes us places we don't want to be. That's where God finds us. When we're on our knees begging to get out of the circumstances we got ourselves into. In this we find our humility. But finding Jesus' loves builds us from the ground up, igniting in us a passion so deep it can never be taken from us without our consent. That we are loved by Him first and in Him made whole in who we are. That's what matters most in this world. Everything else is secondary. When self-love and God's love are in communion, true love finds its way to you.

Breaking Ties that Bind It's true we can't choose our bloodline, the family from which we come. But, we do have the freedom to make our own decisions and follow where Christ calls us to follow without reservation. No matter if we are proud of our heritage or ashamed, we have an identity outside the scope of family walls. An identity in who we were uniquely created to be. Christ does not ask us to follow in the worldly success of our parents or in the sins of our fathers but asks us to break-free and persevere and be the change in our family we wish to see; To not bear the burden of inherited stains but to live an exemplary life in Christ and to follow His lead. To find love and hold it tight, no matter how prominent or shameful your family line. Remember always that you stand free in Christ's love and belong to Him first. You have a family ready to welcome you when your family no longer accepts your progress in transformation seeking TRUTH, righteousness, mercy, and grace for all that's been done. A family who accepts who you've become when your own family no longer can identify with the stains Jesus washed away. A family in Christ.

Living in Denial Living in denial of who you were created to be is one way to live. Being who you are and moving forward in your own skin is another. I encourage anyone this day to do the latter. Be who you were uniquely created to be and don't surrender to human perspective of who the world wants you to become; Surrender blame, hurt, failures, hardships, feelings of worthlessness and inferiority and move into the freedom of Christ's love for you. His acceptance of you and of your natural abilities, talents, and strengths which He created in you before He created the Heavens and the Earth and begin this day - Your unique journey in love.

The Power of Prayer Maybe it’s time to pray before you leap. It worked for me. It can work for you. You call. He answers. That's the power of prayer. "I hear your heart and know your desires. Your prayers are not in vain; they have been heard, and I tell you that I am not a God without power to perform My word. Nothing is impossible for Me, says the Lord. My will is being perfectly executed in your life and in your circumstances as you exercise faith and trust Me. You are My greatly loved and chosen vessels. Rest in the assurance that I am with you always."

Behold, the LORD'S hand is not shortened, that it cannot save; nor His ear heavy, that it cannot hear. (NIV Isaiah 59:)

Inadvertently Rejecting the Help of God Sometimes we believe in our faith so strongly that we inadvertently reject the help God sends. While in the midst of trial and pain, often we hyper focus on seeking God and Him alone through prayer or meditation or healing rituals and we turn away the help He’s put in front of us to answer our prayers. (This is the case for many who've faced long term positions of isolation and who've been told through their local church serious problems inside a marriage or a heart must stay within the confines of God and marriage or God and their heart.) Open your senses today to the people around you who've a proven track record of caring for people. People with a “commitment” to helping and caring for others. Then pray and ask Christ to place in front of you or lead you to the people who can help you understand or view what you are going through. Always remember, Christians are never asked to break the laws of the Bible. God will never ask you to commit adultery, lie, or break His commands to get you out of your hurt. However, if you surrender to Him this day, you will allow Him to work on your behalf His way so you can move forward into the person He created you to be.

Unwanted Feelings Need Resolve...But How? Today I will choose to stand up and put on the Armor of God; that the battle in my mind is between me and my hurt. That in this circumstance, it does not call for resolution but for resolve from the Lord, that I can reject the unwanted feelings of sadness and pain in my mind and know that God has a better plan for me.

Do Not Worry Not much in my life has changed except for the reemergence of self. Day to day surrender for the things I can not control helps me along the way. I begin to worry about where to live, how to provide, how to buy gas, and clothes that have outgrown me (as my children have been blessed mightily with clothes and things), but then I remember the love of The Father. That He says, "Do Not Worry," (Matthew 6:26). Penniless I've been before. This is nothing new to me. Without a home I've been before and even then I refused to live in misery. Christ lifts us from the ashes and seats us in His family to tend and care for one another as I so often have tended to others and as others have so often cared for me. I will not give up my hope - that Thy will be done, His kingdom come - On Earth as it is in Heaven. I am to remain holy and blameless as Christ works on my behalf. As I wait, I will rest in the Lord and remember: His grace can not be taken from me. His hand provides. His strength endures. His love is everlasting.

“Do Not Worry” - Matthew 6:25-34 New International Version - Christian Bible 25 “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? 26 Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? 27 Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life[e]? 28 “And why do you worry about clothes? See how the flowers of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. 29 Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. 30 If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you—you of little faith? 31 So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ 32 For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. 33 But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. 34 Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.”

Today Marks the Dawn of New Life Today marks the dawn of new life. What would have been seven years after saying "I do" I return to the life my Father gave me free reign to live. After holding on to Him so tight, I finally "let go" and surrendered to Him that walking away was His idea, and He guided me to those who could help me clearly see the circumstance my children and I were living in. That God, Jesus, grants permission for those in terrible circumstances of abuse and doesn't ask us to surrender to our abuser, but gave us the ability to get help, to press forward, and to be the person He created us to be - able to stand up for ourselves by walking away and getting children to safety. Today, I return to the self I always was but, wasn't allowed to be. I am at peace, and it's been a long time coming. No longer living in fear, or anxious for the next beckoning chore or phone call demand or "hunny-do". No longer living in fear for the next argument, the next broken heart of one of my children I will have to mend, the next trip we can't afford leaving us in a worse predicament than any trip is worth. My fairytale happily-ever-after finally begins; And it begins today. A new day full of love - genuine love - with friends and family; family he tried to persuade me to not love, family he tried to take away from me and isolate me from. But, I got them back. Welcomed with open arms to the family that still loves me...and the family I never stopped loving. I have my life back and you will too when you take a leap of faith and surrender that perfection is not what the Christian life expects but protection for the temple that God created, protection for you and any children God placed in your care (as He did mine) is an important first step to the rest of your life. May you know this day you don't walk alone in your circumstance and there is someone out there who understands the pain, the hurt, the grief, and the confusion of all who have suffered abuse in this way. And that person is me. I leave this excerpt with one thought today: 80% of all incarcerated persons are a product of domestic violence. Think about it and weigh the responsibility of raising healthy wholesome children versus the safety net of financial circumstance that changes any given day. Help is out there.. Take a step forward and lay it at the feet of Jesus today.


Breaking the Chains that Bind The grief and loss in my life is nearly unbearable except that there is a Savior, a loving God, who knows my pain and hears me when I cry. Total surrender would be much easier if I had not to worry about everyday life yet, He says, “Do not worry,” and so I will try harder to heed His Almighty instruction. I’m no less me today than I was before but, I did get a bit lost along the way through the struggle of my torment between God’s willing me to leave and my own will to stay in an environment not only harmful to me, but to the precious children whom God entrusted me. I left placing my trust in Him and the violence and emotional torment has ended for but a moment. Although life is less than perfect and each day yields a new circumstance to battle, I’m breaking free from the chains that bind me and will live in loves grace all the rest of my days. Forever and ever. Amen.

Hope Surrender is where the pain of yesterday meets the Hope of tomorrow. If you are living in pain, in torment of a circumstance you can't seem to change or control, if you are unable to see the hope and life you were created to live and stuck in the darkness of unknowing, I say to you, give away your pain this day and know that Hope is on its way. Lay it at the feet of Jesus and give all that paralyzes you to the One who cares and loves you more than you are able to recognize or know. The love of a Father. A Father who doesn't leave or disappoint. The love of a Father that doesn't hurt or abuse. The love of a Father who will never ask you to do things you know are wrong or that contradict his love. A Father that lifts you up and esteems you when you can no longer seem to sustain the very thought of breathing. Surrender. This minute, right now. If you are ready, surrender. Pray. Pray: God, if you're there, if you're out there and care at all...if you love me, show me in some way. Let me know if I've done something wrong or reveal Your love to me if you exist. Lord, Jesus, I beg of you to love me and keep me from myself and/or from the injury of others. Please send a word spoken through someone or something to give me hope that in my life, I will be okay. Please be with me so that one day I will look back and say, it was all worth it if it meant finding you. Amen.

Love All I am sure of is this: I wouldn’t be who I am today if I hadn’t truly taken the time to find the love I’d been searching for all along. A love that comes from within.

The Imperfections of Self The imperfections that exist within us exist for a purpose; to bring about some sense of calamity which will cause us to grow in Christ. We are sinners and that doesn’t mean we are imperfect with an excuse to sin, it means we are sinners who’ve been made perfect in Christ with obstacles in dealing with the unique imperfections of ourselves.

One More Day If I can make it one more day, just one more day, God, perhaps then I will see the plans that You have made. The struggle of not knowing sometimes envelopes me and this is the part of surrender I have to let go of. It's just that it's incredibly hard when I can't see where I'm going. I drift through the dark sea of unknowing calling out for my Father's voice so I may go where He leads...but I don't yet hear an answer. How much longer must I call out? One more day in surrender; I press forward. One more day acknowledging that what will be will be, and what is done is done. That each rejection that lingers in the past is only a gateway leading to the thresh hold of a new beginning. Perseverance is never easy in the midst of great battles. If I allow myself to fear, then I am not living in the Promise Christ gave to me, and to all of us, who rely on Him. Living in the knowledge of Him while unknowing how my life will continue to unfold is certainly something worth surrendering to. How many more days, months, years, before I am who you created me to be? How long, God until all I've surrender makes me into the person you created me to be?

How long until you surrender to the person you were created to be?

A Heart in Waiting I have found no joy, nor comfort, nor peace in the knowing of my circumstance other than it seems to me to be the call of my Father's asking. That the very thing that seems to have brought so much death has in fact brought new life - and it is good. It seems this reality has been but only a small portion of a long process taking place unrealized until this moment. Letting go of self and learning who I am asked to be is bitterly painful, except in the knowing it is for my own becoming - in who He's created me to be. There's comfort that a heart in waiting is a heart growing in love through painful trials and brutal acceptance of the reality of the circumstance itself, and more importantly, that there is indeed purpose to it all.

Know This Day: The pain of today may be God's grace for tomorrow.

The Pain of Today Herein lies my Hope; That the pain of today is but simple suffering for the good of who I am being called to be for Tomorrow. Although I do wonder how much more one should take, in my anger I will choose not to sin, and in my sorrow I will rely on the Lord, and in my fear I will lean on Him and His words, and in my humility I will accept that I am able to reject others (unwillingly and unknowingly) as they have rejected me (unwillingly and unknowingly) and as such, will do my best to try and see the face of Jesus in all I meet.

Time Spent with God If a parent’s love is satisfied through time spent together bonding as a family unit, and our children's needs are met through time spent together, then how does God feel about how much time we spend together with Him? I wonder. Does God get lonely or sad when we only come to Him because we need Him to fix us? How does He know us if we haven’t taken the time to get to know Him?

Becoming Becoming is an art-form. A journey. A transformation that takes place over time.

Perfection God’s idea of perfection was to create us uniquely imperfect so that during our time on this Earth, through our trials, pain, hardships, and wonder, we could at some point surrender to Him, bring pleasure to Him, find Him, and love Him. God does not make mistakes. We do. We have been made perfect with imperfections. God has done so with purpose. Think about your imperfections today and ask God to show you what He needs you to know to draw you closer to Him.

Progress While here on Earth, we are a work in progress; progress bringing us into being as the person God created you and I to be – His design for our lives before He ever created the moon, the sun, and the stars.

It is time to surrender that you are loved far more than the depths of the seas or the stars in the Universe. As any parent love's their child. It's time to surrender your past, not to look back, and step towards your future. In God's love, you've found the place within your soul in search of surrender.

A Letter of Love for You A loving God does not ask us to sacrifice who we are, who He created us to be, for the pleasure of others. A loving God whose son died on a cross for us to be part of His family so that we may join him in His eternal Kingdom of Heaven, does not ask us to live life in pain for the sake of His name. (At some point most of us have fallen victim to that philosophy.) We are not to crucify ourselves out of guilt that a loving God sent His son to save us. We simply are who He created us to be. Not martyrs to cower down in the sight of those displeased with us, but strong-willed with a Spirit of Endurance to stand-up for ourselves and to be who we are in our natural state. Losing our sense of self through altering our personalities to live more comfortably with those who never understood us is not pleasing to God. Don't allow yourself to believe that being anyone other than who you were before you met someone savvy enough to change you over time - breaking you down, making you feel bad about who you are, belittling your every thought or being demeaning towards your decision-making/reasoning skills - don't buy in that this is acceptable to God. Because no matter who you’ve had to become or how much better a person you believe yourself to be now than who you were (or whichever excuse you give yourself to find liberation in this new sense of self) it is not okay. It is not acceptable to God. Don't reason with yourself that God loves you better this way or that. God loves you regardless. Love is not earned. It is freely granted. Especially the love of a Creator. Unconditional love is what Jesus offers. You must learn to have unconditional love for yourself and ONLY yourself and lean on Him along the way.. Forgive the mistakes you've made and know there is a better way to live than the current circumstance you are in. So please, if you are still trying to earn a man's love or earn God's love by staying in a relationship where you are not free to think and reason and be who you are without judgment... find a way out. If all you desire and ask for in your relationships, no matter who they are with, comes with a string attached... that is not love. If what you seek for your life and to fulfill your dreams of who you believe is in you to be, who you were created to be, and the passion within your heart is not respected or encouraged...that too is not love. You are a not a dog to be played with when desired and ignored the rest of the day. You are not someone to be a beck-and-call to another in this life so that their life is easier than what they desired for themselves. You are not a slave. You are free. Free to chose. Free to be. Free to find who you are. Free to laugh again. Free to disagree. Free to not be belittled. Or made fun of. Or disrespected. Or made insecure. All you have to do is cross the threshold and walk away from toxicity and into new life.. a life not based on salvation. A life based on finding who a loving Creator knows you have in you to be. A good person full of passion, commitment to self, and heart, and soul. Sins are sins. We all have them. That makes us all equal. So, if we don't have to earn stripes... then why would we have to stay in loveless relationships where we aren't free to be who we are?

You always have choices. Even when it seems there are none. God's peace be with you always. Because He sees. And with that, here is love from a stranger who knows how hard a journey it is to leave but how rewarding it is to find yourself. To laugh again. To have friends come back into your life and tell you how much they missed the part of you they once knew and that it is back, now. So alive. Human beings are really good at breaking one another down. But, we are who we are and when the negativity in our life subsides, smiles arise... tears flow.. and in the end.. we are who we are and we find what we've been searching so long for. We are never truly lost... just tucked away inside ourselves hoping for a brand new day.

“Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland. The wild animals honor me, the jackals and the owls, because I provide water in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland, to give drink to my people, my chosen, the people I formed for myself that they may proclaim my praise,� Isaiah 43:18

In Search of Surrender  

Spiritual Reflections: Reflections of painful transformation and the beauty within when you surrender and simply become the person you were...

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