synchronize our watches, and on a set time we would all shop in slow motion. A woman is capable of shopping in one store for hours. Knowing this I reconciled myself that it may be sometime before we leave. So what can a man do to entertain himself while waiting for his wife? As a kid we would set all of the alarm clocks to ring at the same time at McCrory’s Five and Dime store in Plant City. Can’t do that any more, because times have changed and all the clocks are electric. Maybe I could create some excitement if I went to the sporting goods department, picked up a shotgun and ask the clerk if he knows where the antidepressants are. Or, go into a fitting room, close the door and wait a minute; then yell loudly, “Hey, somebody! I need some toilet paper in here!”
I didn’t score any points when I told them on the way back to the house that the next time they would not have to spend an hour getting all dressed up if they went to the Dollar Store instead of Wal-Mart. I guess men just don’t understand that women like to browse while shopping. Erma Bombeck said it best, “Shopping is a woman thing. It’s a contact sport like football. Women enjoy the scrimmage, the noisy crowds, the danger of being trampled to death, and the ecstasy of the purchase.” As for me, the next time they want to go shopping I’ll hand them the car keys and say, ‘Have fun. Where’s the flipper, it’s almost game time.’
Getting restless, I walked back to the women’s department and there they were. I didn’t ask where they had been because their shopping cart gave the answer. They spent about 30-minutes in the grocery department shopping for potato chips and a few odds and ends. I spent the next 30-minutes waiting for Patsy and Cynthia in the chair by the exit. Out of the corner of my eye I could see them in line emptying the shopping cart. That one pair of jeans turned out to be four pair, a couple of sweaters, three pair of socks, two bras, four slips, and a pair of wool gloves. If that makes her happy that’s fine with me.
INTHEFIELD MAGAZINE
April
2019
23
PAGE
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