The Fairer Sex by Andrew Pearson
Intelligentsia Films HK: 852-5184-2660 Macau: 853-6265-5885 US: 1-310-890-2360 www.the-fairer-sex.com Andrew@qlx.com US Copyright Office: Txu 1-700-609
"When one is in love, one always begins by deceiving oneself, and one always ends by deceiving others. That is what the world calls a romance." -- Oscar Wilde
FADE IN: 1
INT. AUDITORIUM - NIGHT
Packed to the rafters with an exclusively MALE AUDIENCE; it’s an eclectic mixture of MEN accessorized in such quirky oddities as orange eyeglasses, feather boas and red felt fedoras crammed besides bespectacled NERDS and, well, geeky-looking GEEKS. The atmosphere: one of a raunchy fraternity party tapping its ninth keg. The expectant crowd hangs on every word uttered by the man on stage, their hero and relationship guru-du-jour, GUY WOELFFER. In his early thirties, a sharply but casually dressed Guy commands the stage with his infectious personality and unwavering confidence that has his audience enraptured. Guy is a man who could only be upstaged by himself and, in this case, he is because he is dwarfed by a largerthan-life poster of himself on the cover of his latest book -- The Man-ual: Unleashing the Sexual Wolf in You. GUY "To love woman is to hate life" -Friedrich Nieztsche once said that. And, you know what, he was right. Love is a deception created by those who have an agenda, whether that be a religious agenda, a social agenda, or a female agenda. Love, my friends, is a fairy tale, a fraudulent myth, a Disneyesque fable. It is a tale told by a starry-eyed idiot, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing. And it’s one of the biggest scams ever pulled on man-kind. 2
INT. BACK OF THE AUDITORIUM - NIGHT Amidst the row upon row upon row upon row of charged up MEN, there’s something suspicious about the mustached and baseball-capped person sitting on the edge of the last row. A closer inspection reveals soft ruby cheeks and a hairless chest; suspiciously feminine traits. This is SADIE FAIRLEIGH, a thirty-something woman, who is there in disguise so that she can witness an honest and unadulterated male reaction to Guy’s misogynistic lecturing.
The Fairer Sex
Sadie tries to mimic the fawning adoration that fills the faces of the MEN around her, but her heart just isn’t in it. Her smile is disingenuous at best. GUY (O.S.) Women are cunning, conniving, crafty, scheming, wily, devious and deceitful creatures -- and that’s just with each other. Hysterical LAUGHTER fills the hall. GUY (O.S.) (CONT’D) You know, the Journal of Abnormal Psychology did a study that found beauty standards come not from men or from society, but -- get this -- from women. Apparently, women are concerned about their beauty not to compete for men, but to compete against each other. A skeptical Sadie accidentally guffaws halfheartedly and her reaction gains a questioning look from her nearest neighbor, DEATH METAL ‘T -- a burly MAN in his midthirties, scruffily dressed in a holey Megadeath T-shirt. GUY (O.S.) (CONT’D) Tell me that ain’t messed up. Sensing Death Metal ‘T’s probing eyes, Sadie pulls her baseball cap further down her head, while scrunching into her seat to avoid his inquisitive stare. 3
INT. AUDITORIUM STAGE - NIGHT While stalking across the stage, Guy points at FRANK LEONG, a suave, sharply dressed, Asian man in his latetwenties, watching intently from the third row. GUY Tell me, how would you pick-up a hot chick? Frank ponders for a moment, like an actor waiting for just the right moment to make the most dramatic impact, then answers with a question of his own: FRANK Give her a clever pick-up line? GUY Trust me, she’s hot, she’s heard every line in the book.
The Fairer Sex
Guy points at another person in the audience -- AUDIENCE MEMBER TWO -- a goofy looking man in his early twenties, who, strangely enough, wears a feather boa around his skinny neck. AUDIENCE MEMBER TWO Buy her flowers? GUY Freud says that when a man offers a woman flowers, he is offering up the blooming part of himself. That’s right -- his sex. So don’t bring flowers unless you think there’s a high likelihood you’re going to get some sex. She invites you to dinner at her apartment, buy her flowers. Otherwise, save your money. Guy motions at AUDIENCE MEMBER THREE, a comely-looking man in his early-thirties, whose eyes flicker about nervously. AUDIENCE MEMBER THREE Compliment her? GUY Now you’re one of fifteen guys who told her how hot she looked today. Well done, way to stand out from the crowd, loser. AUDIENCE MEMBER THREE Buy her a drink? GUY Every other loser in the bar wants to buy her a drink; the wolf makes her buy him a drink and she loves him for it. A self-assured Guy stops pacing and looks out at the audience. GUY (CONT’D) What you’ve stated is what you’ve been led to believe by your mothers, your sisters, your grandmothers and every other female in your life; treat a woman nicely, take her to dinner, buy her flowers, compliment her and then you’ll win her heart, and maybe, just maybe, she’ll let you screw her. Right? Guy glances at the Audience, taking in the many nodding heads.
The Fairer Sex
GUY (CONT’D) Well, that’s bad advice. Ironically, that’s not even what she really wants. Subconsciously, she hopes beyond hope that you are different. That you are the one man who challenges her to be a real woman because you are a real man. The auditorium lights dim. Several STAGE-HANDS scurry out and quickly set up a bar scene. A STEADICAM OPERATOR -- solidly built Mexican man in his thirties -- appears from the edge of the stage, followed by a young, cord-carrying MALE ASSISTANT. Five statuesque BEAUTIES strut out onto the stage as if they were models working a runway. The Steadicam Operator is exceptionally agile as he glides up the stage, filming the women as they take seats at a makeshift bar. Five casually attired MEN of nondescript looks saunter onto the stage and approach the women in silence. Guy strides over to the closest Woman, a twenty-year-old Eastern European BRUNETTE. She pretends to converse with the Man standing before her. GUY (CONT’D) Typical bar, typical scene, typical Saturday night and, typically, some guys will go home with a woman, while others will spend another night at home. Alone. But it doesn’t have to be that way. What you have to realize is that in the flirting game, two-thirds of the time the woman starts the flirtation cycle. And there are fifty-two different nonverbal cues a woman uses to catch your attention. Guy steps up to the stunning BRUNETTE, who does an exaggerated raising of both of her eyebrows for a few moments. Guy points to the eyebrows. GUY (CONT’D) The 'Eyebrow Flash.' Guy moves onto the next woman, a LEGGY BLONDE, whose beautiful, middle-American features could easily land her on the pages of Playboy as the quintessential girl-nextdoor type.
The Fairer Sex
The Leggy Blonde offers up her neck in an exaggerated way to an Eastern-European MAN lingering beside her. Guy points at her slender neck. GUY (CONT’D) The 'Exaggerated Neck Stretch.' Guy moves onto the next woman, a sultry 20-year-old LATINA with beestung lips. On cue, the woman slowly draws her tongue along her plump, ruby lips. GUY (CONT’D) The 'Tip Tongue Lip Draw.' Guy’s eyebrow raise as if to say “How hot is that?” He then moves onto the next woman, a DIRTY BLONDE. 4
INT. BACK ROW OF THE AUDITORIUM - NIGHT A skeptical yet somewhat intrigued Sadie watches Guy step over to the dirty BLONDE, who is in her early-twenties. Guy points at her face as she drops her head and coyly averts her gaze. GUY 'The Coy Smile With a Tilting of the Head Downward.' All of these are flirting behaviors that are hard-wired into a woman’s brain and they are signals which scream out, "I’m interested in you, come talk to me." Understand them and you’ll be picking and choosing who you want to take home. A dubious Sadie shakes her head derisively. Sadie’s neighbor -- Death Metal ‘T’ -- looks over at her and he seems to notice something suspicious about her hairless but rather full chest. Her mustache is a little too perfectly trimmed as well. Death Metal ‘T’ fakes a stretch and tips the hat off Sadie’s head. Sadie’s long and lustrous black tresses cascade down her face and neck, revealing her in all of her feminine glory, which, even without makeup to accentuate her face’s very symmetrical bone structure and full, pouty lips, is a distinctly smoldering beauty. A shocked Sadie jumps to her feet, while trying to cover her face.
The Fairer Sex
But her shock pales in comparison to Death Metal ‘T’s surprise. With mouth agape, he points at her as if she were the Elephant Man. DEATH METAL ‘T’ Jesus! It’s a woman! Momentarily stunned, Sadie stands in motionless shock as the eyes of every Man in the audience turn around and glare at her with murderous contempt. Instinctively, she darts for the back door. The Crowd goes wild, WHOOPING, HOLLERING and CATCALLING like drunken frat boys on a wild night at a strip joint. On stage, a confused Guy glances at the Audience in the front row. What is it?
AUDIENCE MEMBER THREE I think it’s a woman. In here? I think.
GUY AUDIENCE MEMBER THREE
Guy laughs to himself. GUY See. I warned you they were deceitful creatures. For God’s sake, there was one hiding amongst us. On stage, a disbelieving Guy chuckles to himself, all the while exuding a cool, calm confidence. 5
EXT. AUDITORIUM - NIGHT
Stumbling down the front steps, Sadie grabs a railing to steady herself, then runs by a sign that reads: ‘by passing this sign, you consent to be filmed.’ Then she races away from the building, passing a five foot tall image of the cover of Guy’s book posted on the wall. MATCH CUT TO: CLOSE SHOT: GUY’S SMILING FACE ON THE COVER OF HIS BOOK. PULL BACK TO REVEAL:
INT. ASK WOMEN MAGAZINE - HARRIET STAUNTON’S OFFICE - DAY CLOSE SHOT: THE BOOK SLAMS ONTO THE GLASS DESK OF... ...HARRIET STAUNTON, who is an alluring woman in her midforties. Harriet’s expert use of makeup has actually made her into somewhat of a stunner and her stylistic flare adds to her bewitching sex appeal. A bespectacled Sadie paces impatiently before Harriet, while pointing at Guy’s book on the desk. SADIE This charlatan’s my next story. Harriet looks the book over with neither engagement nor detachment, but rather a look that could best be described as ‘neutral, yet open.’ SADIE (CONT’D) One of the leaders of the puerile cult of sexual conquest, he teaches two-thousanddollars-a-head ‘Seduction bootcamps’ to fools who think they can learn how to bed any women they want. HARRIET So he’s another pickup artist bilking lonely losers out of their hard-earned cash? They’re a dime a dozen. SADIE Not all of them are shooting a pilot with Telepictures. This news piques Harriet’s interest and she turns to eye Sadie seriously. INT. CHASERS BAR - ANOTHER ANGLE - DAY Guy, Jim, Antolino and Jonah sit at a prominent corner booth that has a ‘Reserved’ sign on it. A gorgeous Mexican BRUNETTE, with a curvy and voluptuous hourglass figure, sweeps past the group, silencing the words poised on Guy’s tongue. The Brunette walks on by, oblivious to the attention coming her way, leaving a trial of rosy perfume and lusting hormones in her wake. Guy’s eyes latch onto the Brunette’s beautiful derriere, as do the eyes of every one of Jim, Antolino and Jonah.
GUY Believe it or not, evolution can even explain why we can't take our eyes off of that. The waist-hip ratio is a great indicator of health. When the beautiful derriere disappears into the CROWD, Guy glances at Jim, who looks at him questioningly. GUY (CONT’D) Hourglass-shaped women are more fertile than their slimmer-hipped counterparts. Really?
GUY Yes. My techniques -- which come from years of research not only in the ivory towers of UCLA, but also in no less a scientific laboratory than my local bar -can help you tap into the flirting plan that is hard-wired into every woman’s brain. How?
GUY Ever heard of Professor Irenaus EiblEibesfeldt? Antolino, Jim and Jonah all shake their heads. GUY (CONT’D) He wrote a book called Human Ethology. In it, he concluded that flirting is a silent language of elaborate visual gestures that solves the problem every creature faces in a world full of potential mates -- how do I choose the one that’s right for me? Eibesfeldt discovered that people in dozens of cultures -- from African primitives to sophisticated Cosmo-reading, red-bloodied American women -- all use strikingly similar nonverbal clues to demonstrate their interest. ANTOLINO But, how do you go from these cerebral concepts to actually picking someone up?
Guy casually cases the joint, on the lookout for any sign of female interest amongst the CROWD surrounding them. INT. HARRIET’S OFFICE - DAY Harriet eyes Sadie with heightened interest. SADIE It’d be a piece warning woman how to spot not just pickup artists like him, but also his legion of minions. Is the guy hitting on you wearing something slightly ridiculous? Does he seem brasher than most? Feels entitled to reach out and touch you? Or is he pulling scripted routines like the ‘negs’? The ‘negs’?
SADIE See, reason enough for me to write the article -- you don’t even know what they are. HARRIET Please, enlighten me. SADIE The ‘negs’ are techniques where men strategically criticize the women they're trying to pickup. Really?
SADIE Trust me, there are enough code words and acronyms in this subculture to rival the military. An intrigued Harriet silently mulls over the story idea. INT. CHASERS BAR - DAY After a short while, Guy catches sight of a couple of women sitting at the bar glancing their way. They are:
SUJEAN OH, an attractive thirty-year-old woman, whose perfectly proportioned body comes from the gifted hands of a plastic surgeon rather than mother nature’s kind caresses. SUJEAN’S FRIEND, AMY TEMPEST, a button-cute brunette of the same age, with middle-America features. Guy catches Sujean eyeing Jim. GUY Jim, see that Asian woman at the bar? Jim looks around and spots Sujean, mumbling agreement. GUY (CONT’D) She just gave you ‘The gaze.’ The what?
GUY ‘The gaze’ -- it’s the first step in the six-step flirtation process -- gaze, approach, talk, turn, touch, synchronize. Get someone to notice you and you’re halfway home. Sujean looks over at Jim and sees him smiling at her. They exchange several flirtatious glances, then, as if on cue, Sujean does an exaggerated raising of both of her eyebrows for a few fleeting moments. Guy spots the signal and elbows Jim surreptitiously. GUY (CONT’D) There it is, the ‘Eyebrow Flash,’ which, without words says, “I'm interested, come talk to me.” JIM Really? I didn’t see anything. GUY Trust me, you get that and you’re halfway home. And smile. It says, “I've noticed you and noticing you makes me smile.” JIM You sure she gave me ‘the gaze?’ GUY Yeah, Jim, I’m sure. Trust in me and my techniques and you’ll have her number before the night’s over. Guy rises from the table, looks down at Jim.
GUY (CONT’D) Come on, let’s go meet her. Jim glances up at Guy, his face filled with reluctance. INT. HARRIET’S OFFICE - DAY Sensing a weakened opponent in Harriet, Sadie goes in for the kill: SADIE What he’s doing is wholly dehumanizing to women. What’s more important than finding out if your boyfriend’s only using you for sex? Dating’s hard enough as it is without having to fend off jerks like him. HARRIET And his legions of minions. SADIE Exactly. And readers love these kinds of stories. HARRIET So what’s your plan, cause I know you’ve got one? SADIE I’ll seduce him and make him think I’m falling for him, while I’m cataloging his every move. I’ll rope him in, tug on his heartstrings, then eventually wrap those heartstrings tightly around his neck. HARRIET So what’s the next move? Harriet looks over at Sadie questioningly. EXT. THIRD STREET PROMENADE - NIGHT CLOSE SHOT OF THE FILM POSTER FOR HITCHCOCK’S ‘VERTIGO’ -IT’S THE ICONIC IMAGE OF TWO STYLIZED FIGURES GETTING SUCKED INTO THE NUCLEUS OF A SPIRAL VORTEX NEXT TO A REDTINTED PICTURE OF THE STAR-CROSSED LOVERS IN A REFLECTIVE EMBRACE, COMPLETELY UNAWARE OF THE TRAGEDY ABOUT TO BEFALL THEM. SADIE (O.S.) Boy meets girl.
Published on Aug 13, 2012